I had this strange inclination to blog, even though I know I don't have anything to say. I'll ramble. I like rambling, &+ you can't even lie, y'all like it when I ramble. I mean yeah, I'd prefer to have a point, you know, that'd be cool, but, seeing as I don't, &+ I'm typing anyway, I guess we're all just gonna have to deal with it, aren't we?

Question: If there's two people I'm into, one of them being long distance and one of them not, and the long distance doesn't want to take things any further, but the local one does, is the long distance one allowed to get mad? I've been wondering about that.

I deleted seven hundred songs out of my iTunes last week. Seriously. you wanna know the sad part? I've still got 1300 songs on this bitch. I'm a mess. But I'm always open to new music. What's your favorite song right now? Tell me in comments =]

I'm in my closet at goddaddy && aunty isha's. I've taken to just staying here instead of going home, cus it be cold by the time I can go home, && its cold when I gotta get here in the morning, so why not just stay? I mean, I've got a bed in their closet. This closet is hella fuckin huge. I can't even explain it. Without all the clothes and shoes in it. Man, I can't even...like wow. One day, I'll take pictures, so you can understand. I like this closet though. I like it cus theres no windows. I like real darkness. Like, you can't see your hand when its three inches in front of your face type dark. That's the best kind. It makes things less real. Like, if you can't see yourself, are you really there? I go to sleep easier when it's dark, cus I can't tell if my eyes are open or not. I know, that didn't make sense, but it works for me, so whatever.

Uhm, I'm currently talking to people on yahoo, but I'm about to watch a movie and go to sleep. Aunty Isha's going to San Fransisco tomorrow, which means I won't get my Friday off, which is hella fucking gay. Moms gonna help me, she says. She's off work tomorrow && Friday. I just need somebody to run me down && pick up my last check. My bank accounts 35$ overdrawn && that is not the business. Plus I'm tryna buy some shoes. Yeah, my priorities are straight. Not that I asked for y'all opinion in the first place.

Erm....that's it. G'night
-A.

I'm feelin' some kind of way about my life right now, I guess. I've just been so out of it. Like, watching the baby is fucking with my priorities. More than that, though, its fucking with regular day to day functioning. Like, I only know today is Monday because it's the end of my weekend. Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, generally get kind of lost. I remember Friday because that's usually the only time in the week I get out of the house for non work related reasons, because I usually work Saturday and Sunday too. That's over now, but, I mean, you get it. This past weekend was the first weekend in a month that I haven't had to work, or get out of the house, and I literally slept almost all weekend. I slept from 1am-2pm Saturday. Then of course I was up all night Saturday night, then I slept from 7am-5pm Sunday, and was up until 5:30 this morning. I took an hour nap, and then I went back to work. It's insane. And I'm not even complaining, like, I'm doing what needs to be done for my fam, so whatever, I'm just saying like, the intensity of never doing anything but working and sleeping, it's kind of crazy.

My financial aid hasn't come through yet, and I'm supposed to start school the end of March. I'm getting a little nervous about that. If I don't go back to school, I'm gonna get a little stir crazy, I swear. I miss doing something that bettered me as a person. I don't know if the word bettered made sense in that sentence but don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about. Sidebar: My yahoo is fucking spazzing, it keeps signing me in and out && the shit's irritating. End Sidebar. Like I was saying, I like school. I like learning. I like the challenge of it, and the forced discipline. Plus, I like meeting people, and talking to people. Do you guys realize how little I've actually spoken in the past month? I'm either texting, or im'ing, or talking to the one year old. It's awful. No wonder my voice isn't all the way back yet. (I'm really starting to think it's never going to come back).

I don't know. If you couldn't tell, this is forced blogging, to get back into the habit, but, as you can see, my life's boring, and I don't have anything to say. My twin hit me up today, asking to borrow sixty dollars that I'm ashamed to say I don't have. How I work two jobs and don't have sixty dollars? That shit is terminally depressing, like you have no idea.

There's only a few bright spots in my world right now. They know who they are, and they're enough for me. The rest of y'all will magically reappear when life's good again, and that's cool too, cus it's some of y'all I just can't deal with unless I'm in a happy place. I just be itchin to tell you to shut the fuck up and solve your own problems. Yeah, I know, that's not very nice.

Mkay, well I'm done talking now. I'm going to go back to drinking tea and listening to my music too loud. See yall the next time I decide to grace this whole blogspot thing with my presence.

Till Then,

-A.

I'm so glad yall don't take the time to actually figure out what's going on in my head. If you did, I don't know if you could even stomach what you saw. You ever wonder what's behind all the smiles and hugs and rainbows? All the pet names and perceptiveness and good advice and pep talks? Nothing. There's nothing there. It's hollow. I honestly don't even have it in me to care about half the shit you say to me. Y'all steady talking, and it's cute to me because you seem to think I'm really listening. Why would I do that? Please tell me why I would take the time out of my life to give half a flying fuck whats the matter with you? You don't know anything about me. You're shit to me. The responses you get from me are automatic. A product of good training. It's genius actually. 'Cause you thought I cared. That's just precious, really. I'm wearing a mask for yall. And I keep it on so long I can't remember what my face looks like under it. But that's okay, cus it's not like anybody's inviting me to take it off. It's not like yall really give a shit. You get your sunshine and rainbows and I get nothing. And thats okay.

And one day I'll just disappear, and you'll find someone else to give you smiles and hugs and rainbows. Good advice and pep talks. And thats okay too.

-A.

Okay, so....this is my 301st blog entry, and it's the second anniversary of me being on blogger. Not of this particular blog, but fuck ever, I'm counting this as the anniversary. I deleted the original blog, which is why even though I started blogging in Feb, the first blog you'll see is from Dec.

Anywaysz, in an idea pretty much straight stolen from Jay, I figured I'd highlight a couple of my favorite blog from the blogging experience. So uhm....yeah. =]

1) The first blog - Actually, its not the first blog. I deleted the first blog because it's top secret information, and at the time I was being stalked, && I ain't need people in my business. But this is the first blog you'll see for all intents and purposes. Funny story. I used to talk to this girl named Chey, who like always had a boyfriend, && one had broken up with her, && she wanted me to try to talk to him to get them back together. So I went to talk to him and well, I'm a bad friend cus me && Marq talked for a long ass time. He was sexy, && a cam hoe, so sure, why not. We stopped talking shortly after after I posted this blog, cus he wouldn't leave me the hell alone. Sam used to tease me about this blog though. "You're so metaphorical." I know. IGNORE THE WAY I USED TO TYPE! I was young, && easily influenced by fucking Myspacers....

2) My first daytime blog - This is actually seriously the first blog I ever posted when the sun was up. There's only been a few more since then. I'm either too busy during the day, or nothing's happened yet. I remember my happiness in this blog though. And I think I really did try to turn my life around after this. This blog is important cus this is what started the pic of the day idea, which then turned into like, news article of the day, && song of the day, && thing that made me giggle, and then I got lazy and stopped. lol

3) She Used to be the Sweetest Girl - I was on this song for a long time. Only that last verse. Cus it fit me. I was so mad. I still am sometimes. Like, a lot of yall reading now didn't know me before. Actually, I don't think any of you knew me before because I stopped fucking with just about anybody I'd been fucking with at the time. Summer 2007 changed my life so deeply, I really did used to be so sweet and now like, I can't connect with people like that anymore. Either I don't talk to you at all, cus I'm too scared, or I treat you like shit, cus I'm scared. Very few people even know anything about me anymore. Like yeah, I tell you shit, but you don't know me. Makes me sad, actually.

4) Me && Sam in action - OH MY FUCKING GOD! Sammy, you remember this one? So at first, I was mad, but then mom made me happy again, talkin shit about Earnest on accident. oh my gosh. I almost didn't link this one cus all the smileys && everything got taken off tinypic so it looks mad ghetto but who cares. Ahh, this post makes me happy.

5) The Fremont Bridge Blog - Can I just say that to this day this is one of my favorite blogs ever? Like, every time we drive over the Fremont Bridge, I look at mom like, "&& if you just woulda let us stay && watch bad boys two that one time..." You should read this one, I want everybody to know this fucking story, lmao.

6) Bruce's Blog - Lawwd. Lmao, && I had to spell it that way cus thats exactly the way I said it. If you have ever heard me mention Bruce Wright, or just wanna be nosy about the intense emotional three year long ass roller coaster I went on with this nigga, go ahead && read that one. Jesus.


7) Uhm - I read this blog a couple days ago && it hit me that the worst thing thats ever happened to me, doesn't even really bother me too much anymore. Like yeah, it still majorly affects shit I do, but it doesn't break me like it used to everytime I thought about it. I can be reminded of it now and still go on with my day. How weird is that? I don't know.

8) Post It Notes - Ace da Vinci's favorite poem I've ever wrote. How fucking cool is that?


9) 100 - This was my 100th blog. Figured I'd throw it in there.

10) Whisperings of Hip Hop - Who remembers this? Go read it. No, seriously. This ranks number 2.75 of my list of favorite articles I've ever written. I love this. I got an A on it, did I ever tell yall that? Anyway. This definitely needed to be on my list of favorites.

11) Entanglement - Still one of the dopest concepts I've ever come upon in my eighteen years of life.

12) Milkshakes - A) this was the beginning of Eden, which makes it noteworthy, but that's not why it's on the list. It's on the list because of that conversation with Maxie about milkshakes. That makes me laugh every time I think about it.

13) 200 - This was my 200th blog, which was infinitely more pointless than my 100th blog, but still, I felt the need to put it up.

14) I ramble - Don't read this. Honestly. Even the blog says don't read it. It's long as hell and just...awful. Really. However, that was the best blog layout I ever fucking had. I was silly for ever changing. It was the green/blue/purple eye. The one that I can never find anywhere anymore cus if I could I'd run back to that layout. Man, that was sexy.

15) The Main Three - I like this blog because it made me take the time out to see whats really important to me. =] Its something everybody should do.

16) Brand New pt 1 && pt 2 - I wrote these as a little series when I broke up with Bruce for the last time. Lmfao @ for the last time. You'd be shocked if you realized how much we actually break up. Real talk but uhm, I personally think they're well written. They captured the moment & stuff.

17) Pregnancy - This blog is real as hell okay? Thats all I can even say about it. I'm proud of this blog. lmao, I'm proud I could take my head out of my ass long enough to write some shit that would change something for somebody, and this one did. I know, cus they told me.

18) The most recent - Anybody reading the blog now probably read temperament. It's weird how quickly blog readers change. Like, do Sam & Daniel still read this? Kris? Shani? Ace? The world may never know. It's okay though.

So......thats it. My favorite blogs over the past year && however many months. Its okay if you didn't read everything. This took me damn near two hours to put together && shit so I'd completely understand if you fell asleep on it. Currently I'm sick as hell, but I'm about to go watch Madagascar 2 with my brother while eating Saltine Crackers to calm my stomach. && maybe talk to some people.

Hope you're having wonderful nights && stuff.

-A.

OK, so this is my 300th blog post. I wanted to make it special or whatever, but I honestly don't have the energy to put anything special together. I was going to put it off until I had enough energy to do something special , but who the hell does that, really? Wanna know something else? February 8th will be my two year anniversary of blogging. So I should really do something special, but I can't find it in me to change the layout to something pretty. And a day when I don't feel like changing my blog layout? Well, as you know, that's a weird day for me. Maybe Sunday I'll do a special anniversary blog. Probably not, but its a possibility I guess.

I lost my voice. My throats been sore for a couple days, I thought it was just allergies. I've been drinking tea && resting and stuff. This happens about once a year usually, the sore throat anyway. Except usually it happens in fall. So I was kinda thrown off when it popped up in February, like uhm...buddy, you've got the wrong season. But I wrote it off, allergies. Then this morning, I woke up, && I couldn't talk. Like at all. I figured it was just because, you know, it was early and stuff. But then, as the day went on, I realized it wasn't getting better. Fuck out of here, yo. What do you mean I can't talk? I discovered that if I spent ten minutes clearing my throat && coughing && shit before I tried to speak, I could manage to just sound sick, instead of nonexistent, so I've been doing that all day. This fucking sucks.

AND THEN, man, okay, no, cus this what really upset me. I'm in the shower, and I go to sing along with my music playing, && it was okay, && then I got to this high note, & my voice completely went out. At least I thought it did. Then I hear this extra high pitched, like dog whistle, stupid high keening noise. I'm thinking its the shower head, or the pipes, or some piece of hidden machinery in the bathroom. Then I stopped singing to investigate, and the sound stopped. IT WAS ME YALL!!! I almost broke down crying in the shower. Not being able to talk, well, thats whatever. But not being able to sing?? Its like missing an appendage. Its hella awkward.

Mkay, sweetheart is sleep now, so I'm going too. I'm wayyyyyyyyy too attached to this individual. And worse, he knows that. Ugh.

-A.

Edit: He's not sleep. So I guess I'll just talk to him till he is.

Hey world. I hurt. Like a lot. There's obviously something very wrong with me. I'll give you three guesses as to what it might be. I've been asleep for about 70% of the day. Number one way to tell if there's something wrong with me? Watch how much I sleep. Normally I can live off four or five hours && be fine. If I'm sick I need somewhere between twelve and sixteen. It's ridiculous. I couldn't even watch the baby. Elmo had to stay home from school. I feel like a failure. This is all I have to do now, just watch the damn baby for twelve hours, && then I'm done, && I couldn't even do that. Even after all the pain pills (and I do mean all: one vicodin, one valium, four ibuprofen) my legs were still cramping so bad I couldn't move. That's not even to get started on my stomach, or my back. Goddaddy's like, "why haven't you gone to the doctor?" Uhm...because nobody can take me, and the doctor happens to be in the middle of fucking nowhere, that's why. Plus, all the doctor can do is give me prescription pain pills, which I take anyway, no luck there. But whatever. That isn't what this blog was supposed to be about.

This blog was supposed to be about stupid ass Arvon Barker. But I don't even wanna talk about him anymore, cus he upset me. Oh look, he just texted me. Smh.

I don't feel like blogging anymore. My fingers are tired. I think I'm going to go back to sleep. Seriously, how pathetic is that?

-A.

Did you know I fall asleep at night with a smile on my face, because I think about you?

Anyways, the fucking superbowls tomorrow!! =] Steelers, It's gonna be the Steelers. Fuck what you think, listen to what I say. Steelers. Now that we've got that out the way.

Man y'all remember like last year when I used to go to my TT's house after church on Sundays && fuck with arvon? Lol tomorrow we're going over there for a superbowl party, && its gonna be my first time seeing him since then. I honestly haven't seen Arvon in almost a year. I used to be so gone off that boy. Maybe if he wasn't so damn sexy...

Moving on.

Bruce called me tonight, he needed me to revise a paper he wrote or something. I was in the middle of something, seriously, like I wasn't even just blowing him off, so I told him to call me back in half an hour. He didn't, so I guess it wasn't that important. Hope he doesn't call me tomorrow cus I'm hella not answering the phone.

Speaking of revising papers, today, my best friend sent off her last college app. Spelman. If she gets in anywhere, I'm going to feel a personal sense of accomplishment. And no, not that "my friend got into college" sense of pride. Real, deep, personal accomplishment. Why? 'Cause I wrote every single one of her personal statements, && every last scholarship essay. University is going to be a breeze after dealing with this bitch. I always find it amazing how many people I've gotten through high school and into college, but it took me four and a half years to get out of high school my damn self. Backwards, maybe? Possibly? I think so, yeah.

So my friend Kenston, from work, he was talking to me today about how he's never had real fried chicken, && he was wondering how it was different from like Kentucky Fried Chicken. I don't know what came over me, but I couldn't have it. I called my mom, && told her to get him a chicken dinner from the church, cus we're doing a fundraiser. So I brought it back up to the theater after I got off work, && left it in the fridge for him. He sent me a text awhile ago like Kentucky ain't even in the same range as that. I tried to tell him. lmao, KFC forreal? Come on now.

Work fucking sucked. I think I'm coming down with something. I'm so sleepy all the damn time. Like I can't keep a though for more than a few minutes, which makes it really hard to work. But whatever. I'm done talking. My fingers are tired && shit.

-A.