A while ago, like months, I was talking to Ace da Vinci about my blog. He told me he reads it sometimes. I was like, oh really? && He's like yeah, but I don't comment. & I said something like I didn't write things that were very commentable, && he told me that he didn't comment because he didn't want my temperament to change. He said I blogged differently than a lot of the bloggers that get a lot of attention, because I blogged under the assumption that no one was reading. He said I'd blog differently if I knew I had readers.

I understood at the time, I mean, it made sense, but I didn't think that was really going to happen to me. I mean, why would I change the way I blog? But I did, did you notice? This blog used to be...I mean, I don't know. I spend a lot of time trying to sound mature now, because people with huge ass vocabularies are reading this. I guess I'm trying to prove my intelligence to my audience or some shit like that. It's bothering me. As usual, Mr. da Vinci was right, cus I really did start blogging differently.

A part of my brain says it's not that I'm blogging differently because I'm trying to impress readers, it says I'm blogging differently because I'm trying to come into my own, to be the intelligent woman that I am. Everything I do should reflect that intelligence, right? I think that's true actually, I really do. I am an intelligent woman, and I shouldn't use the fact that this is my blog to talk like a damn idiot just because I know I can. I'm so out of the habit now, I couldn't go back to the way I used to type if I tried lmao. I'd feel like a hick. But a lot of it is exactly what Ace said it was. I figured out I have a [very small] following, and my temperament changed. And that makes me so unbelievably sad.

I don't think I can go back to the way things were, and I know no ones going to go through the damn near three hundred blogs I've posted to see what I was like before. Which makes me sad again, because I remember when I wrote this blog for me, and when my only wish for people reading it was so that people could get to know me, the me I don't show very often, the softer, more vulnerable, hella stupider, easily amused side of me that found something to laugh at every day. And now you won't see that. I don't feel like anybody sees that anymore. They just see this reserved girl who's got a good head on her shoulders. You don't see that I'm scared, and I'm lonely, and I cry a lot, and I wish I could trust somebody enough to tell them why I cry, but I can't, because none of you know more than half of me. How sad is that?

I spend a lot of time trying to reconcile these two very different people running around in my head, but neither of them play nice. I know I sound hella crazy when I say it that way, but it's the only way I know how to describe it. Like to people that don't know me well, I come off as really shy, and quiet. But I'm not. At all. I'm loud, and stupid, and funny, and if it gets quiet, I'll fill those empty spaces. I'll talk for days. But a lot of times, if I don't know you well, I won't show you that, because I think you'll think less of me, and not talk to me anymore. I'm like twelve years old in this part of my head, and even though, listening to what I'm typing right now, I know I'm being impossible, I can't shake it. I just want people to think the best of me. I always have.

I was going through old blogs today, a lot of them actually, and I stumbled upon one, that normally I would link you to but I won't right now because I don't really want your pity. But I read it, and before...I would've cried, so much. But when I read it, it was just like a little twinge in my heart, and then I kept going. I have changed, a lot. I have grown, a lot. But I'm still working. I'm not done, I don't know if I ever will be.

But I think the change in my temperament is why I haven't been blogging as much anymore. I used to look forward to it, I used to want to tell funny stories, to make my friends laugh. It used to be like performing on stage. Now its like an animal in a zoo. It hurts, man. But anyway. I think I'll try to blog more. Slow, steady, until the reason I started doing this makes sense to me again, because I'm sure it will.

Sorry this was so long and sad sounding. They'll get better from here, kay? =]

-A.