"I can't even find the perfect brush so I can paint whats going through my mind"

I have a headache. I call them the "no way out" headaches. Its when your head hurts so bad you want to cry, but you don't cry to avoid that nasty headache you get after you cry, so the tears build up right behind your eyes till its so much pressure that you feel like you're going to explode. Yea, its one of those.

When you've been with somebody for three years, the Drake song Brand New takes on new meaning. Because its no longer a question. You know for a fact nothing that you're doing is brand new. But what if you've been scraping right at the border of acceptability for those three years? What if, for three years, you knew she wasn't really happy, but she was holding on because she knew you were trying, and all of the sudden, it feels like she doesn't wanna hold on anymore. That'd be kinda terrifying, don't you think?

So what do you do? You've only got a couple options. Actually, you don't really have any. You have to sit back and wait for her to end it. Every time you try to talk to her, to sort things out, she closes up. She doesn't talk when you call her, she never calls you, you don't know what to do. You start to get that cold feeling in your heart, bracing against the hurt, waiting for that final blow, then it can be over, and you can move on.

But it never comes. She just keeps playing. One day she loves you, the next she doesn't. And everything in you wants to just be whats she wants, do what she wants so that she'll come back to you, but she's been running you around, playing games with you for years, and you know that she doesn't want you to let her do it anymore. So you don't, you refuse to be the person she wants. You refuse to budge. You stay true to yourself.

And you end up in a relationship all by yourself. She doesn't speak, she doesn't try, she dares you to leave her, without ever saying a word. Eventually you will. You'll show her that you can. You prove your point. But your worst fear is that she really doesn't care. That she'll applaud you for finally growing some balls, and go on living her life - happier now that you're officially in the rearview.

So what do you do? When nothing that you're doings brand new...

"Racing against myself, but I'm a couple steps behind"

This, of course, is written from his point of view. Except for the part about the headache. I really do have a headache.

-A.