But then other times I'm like fuck that. I mean, I wasn't built for normal. God didn't make me for normal. I wasn't meant to blend in. Which is why I don't. Its just that standing out's so damn uncomfortable. I don't like it really. I mean, I want the people who know me to love me. And thats it. I don't like new things, I don't like new people, I'm really cool wit my tiny ass little circle cus they're all approved. I trust them. I know if the shit hits the fan them niggas ain't gone scramble. && seriously its very few people I can say that about. Cus mosta yall is on && off like light switches && shit. && where I used to trust everyone, now I don't trust anyone. I'm not gone take the risk of you turning out to be a fake bitch and fuckin my life up. No that stage is gone.
But I wish it wasn't. Shit I liked that stage. Being able to say whatever I wanted to whoever I wanted && not be ashamed of it. I have a theory. If you can't talk about some shit that happened in your past, then you aren't over it. And so when I officially get over some shit, I like to broadcast it. Just cus I can. Just cus, so the fuck what? Like Hi I'm Ashley, I was raped by my mother's boyfriend when I was nine and got pregnant. I was forced to have an abortion because I was too small to carry the baby to term. And then 6 months after my abortion my mom gave birth to my little brother, who has the same father. And my mom never acknowledges that the shit ever happened. I can say that. No tears. Not even hella emo sadness like I used to get. I'm over it. Really. I'm not gonna spend the rest of my life hating men because Karl raped me. I'm not gonna resent my little brother cus he's not my baby. I'm not gonna resent my mother because she just can't take the fact that she allowed a man to come into her home and take advantage of her first born. They're forgiven. I gave it to God.
I said all that to say, that I used to be able to trust people enough to say that. To anybody. I'd just say it. I'd be completely okay with that. Now i can't. I'ma leave it up because this blog might as well be private the way nobodyyyy reads it, but in the real world, like with friends from school, I couldn't say that. Cus that shit might come back to bite me in the ass. Cus you never know. && blah blah blah. I hate that. Not being able to trust people. I like trusting people. I like to expect the best from people. It generally actually does bring out the best in them.
Yuck. I need new people to talk to late at night. Somebody deep enough to just go there with me and stay there with me and then bring me out when I get too emo. Or someone to go there with and stay there with and bring out when they get too emo. Or somebody to just....chill with. Somebody that's cool when I say I need to talk about it, && equally cool when I say i need to forget about it. Where are those people at? I got a few of em. But i know there's more. I feel like everybody gets exposed to this surface, random ditzy goofy slow ass Ashley thats nowhere near who I am. I mean I'm partly that. But I'm not all that. Whatever.
I'm pretty sure I should stop typing now. Nobody's gonna read this but Sam && Kris so whats the point really? It didn't make me feel better. It just passed some time. So yea. I'm out.
o0o0ooh yea && i almost forgot:
Duecesz
=]
