"This here is on some truthful shit, it seems like everything he does I'm used to it"

But who says that's such a bad thing? I mean, no, my blood doesn't boil in his presence anymore; and no, I don't get the shivers when he touches me, but he's steady. There's something to be said for steady, isn't there? I mean, I've changed drastically over the passed few years, and so has he, but he's always been there. Yes, the majority of the time, thats irritating. And yes, my every experience with him is similar to a roller coaster you've been on for far too long, but its still a ride, is it not? Wouldn't I rather be on it, than standing on the ground, watching?

Ehh, so much for metaphors. Lets be honest. I don't want to be alone. I'll repeat that its not that I don't know how, or that I'm afraid to be, its just that I'd rather not. And since he's standing there, and insists on standing there, no matter how much I try to push him away, why not let him stand there? His presence is usually more comforting than it is annoying.....usually. And when he gets tired of standing there, and decides to move, let him. Let the chips fall where they may, right? Then it'll be sink or swim time, and those of you who think I can't handle being alone will see that I can handle it just fine. Till then, it makes him feel important to stand there, and it makes me feel good to know he's standing there. Its still a win win situation.

How can he expect me to take him seriously, anyway? He dropped out of school! High school! Just left, because he didn't feel like it anymore. He still lives with his mother. He's two months from being 20 years old. Almost twenty years old: No house, no car, not even a license, no high school diploma, no job. And apparently he doesn't have his dignity either because he continuously allows me to treat him like this. Maybe he thinks he's punishing himself for being a failure. Suits me just fine, since he is one. I'd prefer he punish himself for being a failure by making himself a success. No cure for laziness like hard work, if you ask me. It'd be different, if he were trying. I can appreciate trying. But its been three years. Two and a half since I left, and he's gone more downhill every time I see him.

Do you know what he told me the other night? He told me that he was glad he wasn't the man he was when I met him. Said that man was weak, because he fell in love with me, and allowed my leaving to break him. But let me tell you about that man, let me tell you about the man I fell in love with. Because the man I fell in love with had a job, and multiple side hustles. The man I fell in love with had art displayed in the Los Angeles Museum of Ethnic Arts. The man I fell in love with had the fourth highest SAT score in Los Angeles County. That's the man I fell in love with. The man I fell in love with told me I was going to love him. Told me, can you imagine? And now he's become an angry little brat with no ambition, no drive, and no intention of doing anything other than what he's doing right now. An angry little creature with pride enough to tell me he's not going to be the man I want, but not enough pride to tell me he's leaving. And he expects respect? How can I? Could you? I very unapologetically (Firefox tells me unapologetically isn't a word, but unapologetic is.....strange) tell you that I cannot. Respect is earned, and he's nowhere near it.

But, as I said, I'll allow him to stand there, until he decides to leave. Maybe watching me conquer the world one useless nigga at a time will knock the sense into him. One can only hope.

"This here is something personal, I highly doubt this feeling is reversible"