"Unsure of what the balance held, I touched my belly, overwhelmed, by what I had been chosen to perform"

Lol, now that I've backspaced the bullshit, let me try to explain logically why this is bothering me. Okay, deep breath:

I'm seventeen years old. I'll be eighteen next month. I'm excited. I've felt like I've been grown for a long time, and so my family members (evil geniuses they are) told me that they'd consider me grown when I could come up with a reasonable definition of it, outside of "old enough to buy cigarettes". I thought about it, for a long time, and when I was fourteen I told my mother that being grown was having the presence of mind to know that just because you could do something, didn't mean you needed to do it. I've been grown in the eyes of my family ever since. That's when my mother started fronting her ID for my alcohol, lol. Different blog, but the point is:

It seems that people around my age are getting pregnant really quickly. I know I've discussed this before, but its really irking me. It seems foolish. I mean, I don't know. My mom was old enough to have me, she was twenty one, that's respectable. But she wasn't in the financial position to have a baby. It would of been fine, if she'd have stopped with me, but she kept going, and only with Jonathan was she in the financial position to support three kids. Growing up in that, seeing how it effected not just us, but her, I decided that I wasn't going to have a baby until I was old enough to financially support one. I vowed that when I was ten, the day my mom told me she was pregnant with my little brother.

When I was twelve I'd had really bad periods, and so we put me on birth control. That's when we discovered that I was allergic. That was a major set back to my sex having plans, let me tell you. Lol, I mean, condoms are all good and well, but my mom used condoms and birth control with all three of her kids....so uhm, you see why I was hesitant. Plus, we could only afford the cheap ones, and I'll be damned if I spend four dollars on some condoms just to have them bitches rip and get pregnant anyway (twelve year old mentality, mind you), so I held off on sex. Time went by, realized, didn't need to be having sex with the dudes that I would've been having sex with anyway. And, in general, I'm pretty okay with my non sex having lifestyle. Occasionally my hormones flare up and I wish I could be a hoe for five minutes, but in general, I'm satisfied.

Fast forward to 2008 and every bitch you've known since the sixth grade, who's birthday is two weeks before, or two weeks after, yours is pregnant. And pleased with this. Not even feeling like a failure. Bold about their pregnancy. All over myspace and on the phone and in text messages "Oh, I'm having a baby!" Bitch do you realize you're broke, your baby daddy's broke, shit, your moms still broke, she hasn't recovered from your punk ass yet. Do you realize you haven't made it out of high school, your baby daddy never made it out of high school, and your mom has so little school that, at 39, she's still working two jobs to keep a roof over your head. Do you realize that by the time the baby's born, you probably won't even like the father, so forget wanting to spend the rest of your life with him. Do you realize that your baby is going to be as lost, misguided, confused, stubborn, and sometimes downright stupid as you? Have you thought about any of these things? I know you haven't. 'Cause if you had, you wouldn't be anywhere near as proud. I just want to grab these girls and shake them. You're not grown! The fact that you think you can conquer the world at eighteen is a testament to how not grown you are! [ insert growl here ] drives me insane, I tell you.

But more than that, honestly, more than being angry at stupid little kids who think they're grown, I'm scared. Scared because I realize that eventually, the stupid little girl getting pregnant is going to be me. I mean, I don't know what you think this is, but I won't be a virgin forever. And I'm scared. What if I get pregnant and I'm not ready? What if I'm not in a financial position to have a baby and I have one? What if I'm broke? If I haven't made it out of school? If I don't like the baby's father? What would I do? I know its dumb that I freak myself out about things that haven't happened yet, but I realized a long time ago that thinking about what could happen generally prevents it from happening. Which is a blessing and a curse (once again, diffferent blog), I'm just saying, I'm ridiculously scared.

Completely off topic: My house is making rather frightening, and completely uncharacteristic noises. I have the base of a broken lamp for protection. I will kick a muhfucka's ass in here tonight, don't doubt me

"But then an angel came one day, told me to kneel down and pray, for unto me a man child would be born"

-A.