Honestly

Impossible

2010-05-15T17:31:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time.

I don't know when I fell in love with him. It's always been impossible. Always been that thing I only wanted so bad cus I couldn't have it. For the longest I'd convinced myself that I wasn't really in love with him, just what I'd made him out to be in my head -- but as time goes on, as I know him longer, I'm not finding any aspects that I don't adore. There's no pet peeves that I have to make excuses for. No matter though. I feel like such an idiot lol. Here I am, pregnant, pushing a good man away because I'm in love with someone who's been in a relationship with the same person for as long as I've known him, who doesn't see me that way at all, and lives about a thousand miles away. And I'm supposed to be the smart one. Psh.

I've kept this fantasy love in the back of my head, in the back of my heart, since it first manifested. It's impossible. Every now and then, it worms it's way to the surface, and I have to write it out so I can go back to functioning normally. So I've done that. But I just can't shake the feeling that it'll always be him for me.

2009-12-03T02:13:00.000-08:00

To Whom It May Concern:

I don't know what this is, or where it's coming from. It's never been this bad before. I know, that was shit as explanations go, and a really bad first sentence to anything, but really, let me try to make sense of this. The only reason I can come up with as to why this is so hard for me now is the fact that I'd just set you up on the pedastle of impossibility from the moment I'd met you. Sure, I wanted you, but you were with her, and that was that. I hated on your relationship, but in the same knowledgeless spectating way that you hate on famous people's relationships. Without having any idea what's really going on with the two if you. I made my judgements without knowing if she was really good for you, or if you were really good for her, I just knew that, in the same way I want Trey Songz, I want you. And that worked for me, keeping you at that impossible level. I could compartmentalize better that way. I could speak to you without feeling like this. I could think about you without feeling like this. And, yes, while a secret part of me still got butterflies when we spoke, I could keep it under control. It was managable.

The problem is that one night, you very calmly took yourself off the pedastle of impossibility. You strolled down into my world, human, flawed, horny, and most importantly, without her. And the walls that had been holding me together came down. And now all I can do is try to run and catch the emotion and gather it all back, and hold it while I try to put the walls back up. And it's not working. Every day a bit more of that emotion runs out into the daylight and it's glaring and obvious and I'm sure you and the rest of the world knows, but there's nothing I can do but try to get the walls back up. Some nights, I speak to you and I'm angry, just angry at the fact that I won't even get the opportunity to explore what could be. Other nights I have yo berate myself to keep from crying. I want to know why it can't just be me. Why can't it just be me? Pathetic, I know. But it haunts me at the strangest hours. And other nights, like tonight, I start off angry, and then I want to cry. And then I'm just tired. And I just can't fight anymore, and I can't remember why I'm building these walls or keeping these emotions in check. And I wonder how I got this way. How I let it get this far. And I kick my stupid heart for being silly, because I'm aware that in the best of circumstances, this would probably never work. And in these much less than perfect circumstances, the most likely possibility is that I'm going to lose a very good friend.

In any event, I'm sorry for the mass of emotion I just dumped on you. I'm sorry for bring crazy and attaching myself so easily. I'm sorry for making the awkward. I wish there was some way for me to fix it, but I honestly don't have the energy to try anymore.

2009-12-01T23:30:00.001-08:00

You'll probably call me selfish.

The company my mother works for owes over a million dollars in back taxes. They paid it today, officially obliterating their 2010 budget. She doesn’t have enough to pay the bills this month. She’s not sure she’ll have enough to cover rent next month. And Christmas? Well, once again, Christmas will be just a day. It won’t even be about family bonding, or celebrating the birth of Christ, because she’ll be ashamed that she couldn’t make it a big deal for us, and therefore she’ll be pissy, and everybody will just end up in a pretty bad mood.

She hasn’t asked yet. I don’t think she’s going to. I think she’s going to wait for me to offer. Which I will. Of course I will. She’s my mother. This is my family. But I need to vent about it first.

Because it happens every single fucking time.

She can never keep a job. She never has enough. She lives outside her means. And something always falls through. She can’t blame the economy. This has been happening forever. She never has enough. And she always finds a way to get it from me. Whether it be my college fund (which is gone), or my tiny inheritence from my Nana last year (which is gone), or my measley movie theatre paycheck, she always finds a way to take it from me. And it’s not that I wouldn’t give it to her. I always give it to her. And I try really hard not to complain. This is my mother, remember? This is my family, remember? Of course, of course I’ll take care of them. It’s the least I can do to repay her for everything she’s done for me, right? That’s what you’re thinking. Because, in general, mother’s do things for their children. So you’re thinking I owe her. You’re thinking she gave me life, and I owe her.

But I honestly can’t remember her doing that much for me. You want to know what I remember?

I remember her boyfriend holding me underwater in a bathtub and raping me. I remember her not believing me when I told her. I remember her staying with him. I remember her beating the shit out of me for years after he left her. Claiming that it was my fault. I remember when she wouldn’t watch her children, when she would leave for hours, for days, and I’d just have her kids. I remember thinking that she was my mother. That she gave me life, that this was me repaying her. I remember the first time she stole from me. I remember her telling me her life would be so much better without me. I remember her making me clean the entire house with a toothbrush. I remember her calling me from my bedroom to the kitchen, where she was sitting, to have me make her a sandwhich. I remember her finding God, and apologizing. I remember forgiving her. Or at least, trying really hard to forgive her. I guess it didn’t work as well as I thought. I remember us coming into some money and her trying to kiss it and make it better with a laptop. That doesn’t work now, by the way, I’m on the house computer.

And now here it is, happening all over again. She needs money. And she’s not going to ask. She’s just expecting me to give it to her. Because I always do.

And you know what? I will. I’m going to hit “create post”, and I’m going to reread this once, and then I’m going to delete it, because I can’t stand having my business out in the street like this. I just need to type it. And then I’m going to go in her room and tell her we’ll just pull the money from my savings. That we’ll make everything work. That everything will be alright.

Because she’s my mother. This is my family. She gave me life. I owe her, right?

You know what's not okay?

2009-11-26T22:42:00.000-08:00

And I mean, by any stretch of the imagination is at in any way okay?

For you to call me, knowing full well I don't want to talk on the phone, and leave me some sappy "Oh, hey baby I was just calling cus I wanted to hear your voice and I miss you" type message, and then seventeen seconds later, be all on the internet about how much you miss your ex. How y'all still talk and hold hands and call each other baby and she's the only person you've ever truly loved (never mind you're claiming you love me), and how you wish you could've seen her today but you restrained yourself because you know you would've called in to work for the opportunity to spend more time with her.

Ok. So, let's make something clear. I am a greedy, selfish, moody, difficult person. I've never made any claims otherwise. Sometimes I'm lonely, and sometimes I need some attention from the opposite sex, but I am in no way desperate, and I'm sure as hell not desperate enough to be your distraction. Your "since I can't have what I want, I'll go holler at her" broad. Your rebound. I will not be anything other than numero uno, the alpha and omega, first and last thing on your mind all the gotdamned time. If I'm gonna come second to something, it'd better be business or family. Not the next bitch and most definitely not the last one.

And if I can't have that, then I don't want anything.

So yeah, this is over. Have a nice night.

Sidebar.

2009-11-02T10:39:00.000-08:00

For uhm.....a little over a year now, there's been this guy. He's always been there. Just the prototype of perfect. Unattainable, and I probably wouldn't want him as much if I had him, but I always wanted him. He's been in a relationship pretty much since I met him, and while if any man was worth home wrecking, it'd be him, I restrained my homewrecking tendencies, I kept a respectable distance, and I never tripped when his extra paranoid and insecure girlfriend acted an ass. I couldn't really be mad at her for being paranoid and insecure when I was plotting all the ways I could take her man, that's not really fair, now is it? And I never even considered whether I was right for this man, or whether he was right for me. I've just always been inexplicably drawn to everything about him. It's been hard for me to do the just friends thing, so much that when we lost touch, I was kind of relieved. At the same time I was just hating on his fucking girlfriend that was entirely undeserving of this miracle she had (and that statement is completely unfounded, cus I've never had a conversation with that female, and I don't know what she is or is not deserving of, and I've tried soooo hard not to be a fucking hater, but the shit has never worked, I can't stand that little girl).

Except for she just ruined it. She hurt him and I want to find and STRANGLE that little bitch like you don't even understand.

I can't even type about this anymore. Get your head together Ashley. There's a time and place and this is neither.

2009-10-21T22:15:00.000-07:00

So I have a new person. Dare I say a better person? Too soon to be sure. Things always start out well, first impressions and all. I think the largest difference between this person and the old person is that this person is willing to put aside time to furthering our relationship, where with the old person I always felt like I was hindering him in so man ways. I'm trying to find something I dislike about the new person. I'm sure there's something there. I don't really wanna go looking for it, because I'm sure I'll find it. For now I'm just enjoying the glow of it all. I still get the warm fuzzy feeling, and I miss it.

The weird thing about it, is that normally I'm the one rushing headlong into the relationship. He's a couple steps ahead of me. I'm trying to learn how to take it slow, but it's kinda hard when you're dealing with someone so eager. You wanna know the incredibly stupid part that's gonna make you think I'm a delusional "in love with love" type teenage girl? It's been three days. Lmao. Infatuation is a BITCH! I'll tell you.

Our schedules are madd inconvenient though. Notttttt even going there.

I'm concerned about the future though. Not like, any extended period of time. I'm not letting myself think that far ahead. I'm talking like two weeks from now. When the getting to know you stage is over? What then? That's when everything gets stagnant and it's like "well what did you eat for breakfast today?" I'd never ever want it to get that bad. I'd rather we just stop talking.

In other news. SAT two Saturdays from now. Applying to Pace, Paine, PSU, DePauls, & probably Cheyney. The end.

Till next time, well....you know the rest.

In the interest of transparency

2009-10-19T22:24:00.000-07:00

Let me tell you the truth. People I care about? If they're hurting in any way, I want to know why. I want to know every single detail. If I see someone hurting, I will pep talk the shit out of them. We'll talk about what God put you on this Earth to accomplish. We'll talk about all the wonderful things you've accomplished already. I'll remind you that there are people that love you, and that the only thing permanent in life is change, so anything bad is bound to get better eventually. I'm good at that.

But don't catch me on a bad day. Please God, don't drag your sorry ass to me and expect me to tell you what a beautiful life it is on a bad day. Don't expect me to baby you and take pity on your problems. Fact of the matter is, I don't care. I'm good at taking care of your problems as a defense mechanism. It keeps me from worrying about mine. So what you see as me being giving and selfless? It's a front. It's denial. It's selfish.

I'm selfish. Anything I do is for my own gain, believe me. If I'm telling you I believe in you as an artist and I really think you're going to go far, I'm not lying to you. I'm saying it because I really believe in you as an artist and I want you to go far......so that you can remember all the late night pep talks and loan me some money. Everything I do is about me. Which I actually think is perfectly normal, because it's my life, so who the hell else would it be about?

I've strayed from the moral of the story, which is:

If I'm aware that there's something wrong with you (which I almost always am), and I haven't made any move to pry the truth out of you? I just don't care about you that much. I'm saying this because I don't want there to be any misunderstandings, and I don't want anyone bitching about ulterior motives later.

And anything else I had to say is no longer relevant. G'night.

Temper Tantrum

2009-09-25T22:24:00.000-07:00

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I want my bathroom back. I want my living room back. I want to go back to eating junk food, because your bribery gourmet cooking makes me want to puke. I want to go back to only having one prepubescent child in the house, because I have no obligations to your fucking four year old son, and the next time he gets bored and asks me for something to do I'm going to tell him to go see what an outlet tastes like. I want to go back to not having to have on pants to go from my room to the bathroom. I want to be able to walk into my house after work and turn on the kitchen light without feeling like an asshole because you're asleep in the living room. I want to be able to talk shit about you in my own damn house, which I can't do, because you're live here. I want to continue happily pretending you never fucking existed. I want to not have to listen to your criticisms on EVERYTHING. I want to not have to listen to your sarcasm regarding me and the way I live my life (uhm, cus YOU'RE doing so great at life YOU and YOUR CHILD have to sleep on MY COUCH. Choke on it, dude, really).

Like, I'm beyond sick of this situation. Ugh.

2009-09-08T00:05:00.001-07:00

I'm envious of girls born with fathers to tell them how beautiful they are. They grow up knowing, believing, and so when they're told by others, their "thank you" is one of gracious modesty. It's all a game to them. There was no great compliment spoken, just a statement of fact.

The only person to tell me was my mother. And I always believed she told me more to make me feel better, and less because it was true. Like when I slept on the bottom bunk, she told me spiders stayed on the ceilings, and when I slept on the top bunk, she told me they stayed on the floors. Beautiful was a goal for me. Not something I was, but something I could be, maybe, if I prayed, and brushed my teeth every day.

And then I thought beauty was clear skin. And then I thought beauty was long hair. And then I thought beauty was straight teeth. And I had none of those things, so I couldn't be beautiful.

And then I thought beauty was big breasts. And then I thought beauty was being light skinned, like my mother. And then I thought beauty was being care free, like my little sister. And I had none of those things, so I couldn't be beautiful.

It's my struggle, to wake up every day and feel like I'm competing. To not see any beauty in myself, no matter how hard I try. To wonder why I'm still trying, when nobody cares. It's a struggle for me.

I look in the mirror sometimes, and tell myself I'm beautiful. I feel like I'm lying. That's not the way it's supposed to be.

Remnants of a Long Forgotten Insanity.

2009-09-02T21:13:00.001-07:00

Hey blogger. I know, I know, I've been AWOL. Life's been crazy. New job. Busy, busy, busy. 40 hrs a week and things of the nature. I'm pleased with the job, and the people. I mean, on the first day, our trainer was like, "the call center is a lot like high school." I failed miserably at high school, so hopefully this will be better.

I could lie and say I haven't been blogging because I haven't had much to blog about, but that's probably a lie. I'm kind of like starting this whole new stage of my life. I'm shopping more. Which, I know sounds kind of trivial, but really, that's major for me. I'm going to change my hair this month or next month probably. Weave, or at least some tracks. I'm going to see about my braces in October when my insurance kicks in. I'm going to get new frames for my glasses around the same time. My drivers permit expired, so I'm going to get another one, and then mom's gonna go half on driving school so I can hurry up and get my license, and I'm saving for a car. I'm thinking about signing up for a self defense class, half because I'm in terrible shape, and half because I only have a theoretical idea as to how to defend myself if anything were to ever go wrong. I'm also going to sign up for an SAT prep course, so I can take that damn thing, and then I plan on applying to colleges for real this year.

I'm also involved. I'm not in a relationship, technically, but I'm very much involved. You've heard me talk about him before. He's the kind I have to write poems about. I don't know about him really. I adore him, but I honestly don't know if it's adoration because I've found someone worth adoring, or adoration because I haven't adored someone in so long I just wanted to see if I was still capable. Sometimes we're not compatible. He's been hurt before, and I kind of feel like he's not over that, and so I'm taking the blame for whatever's in his past. And then I kind of feel like he's not trying to get over it, like thats just the way he's decided to be, and that's not fair to me, yenno? But, eh. I mean, I've been hurt before, probably worse than him. I just bounce back faster, and know better than to take it out on the next person. I don't blame him for the way he is though. He's his own person. We're just feeling it out.

I decided not to get my tattoo. Why? Cus I was at the nail shop with my mom, and we were talking about the tattoo parlor, because she was going to drive me down there to get a quote, and the nail lady (Ms. Gracie, who is actually probably more of an honorary aunt than just "the nail lady"), pulls out a bible and directs me to the scripture that very literally says "don't get tattoos" (Leviticus 19:28 "Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor print any marks upon you: I am the LORD") Yeah, like, in a real way. Jesus said no tattoos. I can't very well go to the tattoo parlor and get the tattoo knowing good and well Jesus told me not to. That's just disobedient. I mean, I do enough stuff Jesus tells me not to every day. I don't need to go adding insult to injury.

I'm trying to think of anything else I wanted to talk about. Not really. Job? Check. Weave? Check. Braces? Check. Glasses? Check. Boo? Check. License? Check. Self defense? Check. Sat & college stuff? Check. Tattoo? Check. Okay then. So I think I'm done. Well, no, there's more, but I don't really want to get into it now. This is long enough.

Anyway, if you were for any reaason, wondering what's going on in my life, that's it.
Till next time: Positive energy, high hopes, & love♥;

Who's Gonna Save My Soul Now?

2009-08-17T20:59:00.000-07:00

I don't think this is going to work. I can't handle the emotional distance. I know I said I could and I thought I could but I can't. I tried though. I still want to be your friend. I want you in my life as much as possible. I just can't put up with feeling like I'm not important enough for your time. I know you don't mean to make me feel that way. It's silly of me, and I try to ignore it, but it's still the way I feel. I know you're busy, I understand and respect that. I admire what you do. I wish you the best and if you ever need anything, I'll do what I can to help you. I hope you know that. I don't think either you or I are in the place right now, to make this work, and i can't keep putting all this emotion into you, knowing I'm not going to get it back. I should've known better than to get all emotional in the first place, that's my fault, and I'll deal with it. I guess what I'm the most afraid of is that I'm not sure if we'll be able to be friends now. That would hurt me, if we couldn't be. I'm not going to ramble. I'm just going to say that I don't want to end this, whatever this is that we're doing, but I can't see any other way. If you've got any suggestions, let me know.

XOXO
-A.

I actually sent that. And he read it. And responded. And now we're trying to talk. Like, yenno, as friends. It's awkward. On one hand I want to take it back. Maybe I was too quick on the draw (disregarding that I've felt like this for months), maybe I should've tried harder. I keep thinking I could've done something. That's a thing I do (that I'll talk about like, a paragraph from now). On the other hand, I'm proud of myself. I said it. I did it. I didn't have someone do it for me. I didn't pretend I didn't feel it (for too long, anyway), I told him. And I kinda want to think that I should feel better. But I know that I'm not going to.

You see, I've got this way of taking things so personally. If something I'm involved with doesn't work out, it's my fault. I could've worked harder. There was something more I should've done. There's some trick I was too lazy to try. I'm like this with everything. So nevermind that maybe we aren't right for each other, or maybe it's just the wrong time. It didn't work. It's my fault. My heart hurts. It's ridiculous. I know.

Be prepared for the poetry blog to flood with all things melancholy and rhyming. That's just the place I'm in right now.

Don't read this.

2009-08-11T22:33:00.000-07:00

He told me from jump he was busy. On top of that, he told me he was emotionally distant. I told him I could handle it. He asked me if I was sure. I told him I wasn't, but I could try.

He never said he'd try.

And here I am, with my feelings hurt, wondering why I'm giving so much and he's giving nothing. Just like those whiny females I hate, and talk shit about all the time.

Because he never said he'd compromise for me. He never said he'd sacrifice for me. And he shouldn't have to. I offered to compromise. I offered to sacrifice. That's exactly what's happening. And if I can't handle that, I should just (wo)man up and let it go.

The difference between me and the whiny females I hate and talk shit about all the time, is that I'm not mad he's not trying. I'm not trying to make him change. I mean, I do think he could try, and I do think it'd do him good to change, but it's not about him. I'm mad I agreed to some shit that I couldn't handle, knowing I couldn't handle it, just hoping somehow it'd work out.

I'm not holding out on the hope he'll change. I'm holding out on the hope that I will. That maybe I can be stronger than I have been, and need less, and then it'll work.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

2009-08-04T15:20:00.000-07:00

So, there was a fiasco. Wanna hear it? Here it goes:

A couple days ago I wrote a poem, I posted it on my tumblr. When I came to post it on my poetry blog, I was informed that my blogs had been disabled. Both of them. Well, technically I'm a cocontributer on like twelve, but the point is, I couldn't access any of them! I was beyond sad. I'm emailing blogger and google all willy nilly, trying not to cry and things of the nature, because, well yenno, my shit was gone!

So google emails me back and says they're sorry but they're not sure that I am who I say I am and I own the accounts I say I own so they can't reinstate my blogs. I really did cry for about six minutes after I got that email. I kept the email open for like two days.

Anyway, the whole time, the part of me that was in denial kept refreshing the page that my blog should've been on, hoping that it would magically come back, and one day, it did!! I don't know how it happened. I'm not asking a multitude of questions about it. I'm just taking advantage of this space I have to breathe. Being on tumblr exclusively for a few days has most definitely shown me how lucky I am to have this blog.

See, on tumblr, everything you say is open for debate. Everything can be a conversation starter. That damn reblog button is ruining people, I promise. But here? I can ramble. I can be deep, or insightful, or insecure, and its fine. I can just write without the stigma of "what if my tumblarity drops" or "what if someone decides to debate me on this." It's lovely. And I remember now why when the masses fled to Tumblr, I stayed on blogspot. And I hope I'll remain this unknown when thte masses come back, as it's becoming inevitable that they will.

Till next time: Positive energy, high hopes, love♥;

2009-07-27T21:06:00.000-07:00

My mom is into those relationship ads people put on Craigslist. One day, she was browsing them, and she ran across this black man, who claimed he didn't date black women because he thought they were crazy, and he had a daughter by a white woman, so what would it say to her if he started dating black women now?

I admit, I suffer from the typical "another good one lost" syndrome when I see a fine black man with a white woman. But I've noticed, that that's only since I've moved up here. Oregon is less then 10% African American. There are no black people here, and so it irritates me to no end to see that black men won't even date black women, because they've been so brain washed, falling for what "beauty" is, in the media's eyes. White women with blond hair and blue eyes. The shit's not fair.

You know why they say they don't want to date black women? Answers I've actually heard? We're ugly. Crazy. Disgusting. What am I supposed to say to that? What am I supposed to do with that? That's why I don't date up here. I don't discriminate. I've dated white guys, hispanic guys, asian guys, but there's nothing more beautiful to me than a black man.

So what am I supposed to do when black men call me disgusting without having ever met me? I get pissed off. I know there are probably more rational responses, but that's the first one that comes up.

But, what would you expect, I'm a crazy, emotional, black woman.

In other news, my second interview with Wells Fargo is on Thursday afternoon. I'm madd pumped about that. I get to go shopping for it tomorrow. I'm even more excited for that. It hit 109 today. Which is absolutely infuckingsane, because I live in Oregon. It rains 8.5 months out of the year here. For it to be in the triple digits at all is insanity.

I didn't really have anything to blog about. I'm done. But erm

Till Next Time: Positive energy, high hopes, & love♥;

Update thingy I guess?

2009-07-22T22:17:00.000-07:00

Hey guise!

Lmao, I love how I talk like somebody reads this shit anymore. Sorry I haven't been posting regular, tumblr's got all my attention. I'm not good at like....tumblring though. That shit requires skill. A skill. A small, inconsequential skill, that I don't have, and am pretty sure I don't wanna have.

I'm much better at blogging.

And you know what's weird? That everybody says that like tumblr because it's more than twitter but less than blogger, but then they get mad when nobody listens to anything they have to say. Like, my nigga you don't even wanna listen to the shit you have to say. I hate when niggas post long entries on tumblr, and then apologize multiple times, or preface it with some "I know you're not gonna read this" type stuff. Like stop! You should expect that from people. Start expecting it. Is whatever you have to say so trivial that you don't think the people that follow you will read it? Step up the standards for the people that you associate with, and who you allow to associate with you. Write what you feel, and if somebody unfollows you for that, good. You've got that out of the way, move on. Now you know who's really listening when you talk.

I guess that's the generation we're living in though. People don't take themselves seriously enough. Like, people get mad at me, because they think I take things too seriously, but that's actually not the case. I listen to what people say, and I take that as what they mean. If you're a female, and you're calling yourself a bitch every other minute, you don't get to be upset when somebody calls you a bitch. Females all like: "A bitch needs some new clothes." "A bitch needs a new man" but if I tell you a bitch needs to shut up, I'm wrong. Aight then, bitch, whatever.

People don't think their own words have power anymore. They don't think people are listening to the shit they say. So they just talk, at random, just bullshit. But heaven forbid somebody call them on it. Then it's "Ashley, why you gotta take everything so seriously all the time? I was just joking!" Okay. I get it. So I'm supposed to ignore everything you say that sounds serious. Because you're joking. All the time. Got it.

But now you're feelings are hurt because something terrible has happened to you and you're mad, because nobody's taking you seriously.

Bitches need to get their shit together.

Which is TOTALLY not what I came to blog about. I be off on tangents in this bitch. Anyway!

I'm pumped!! I've got an interview tomorrow afternoon with Wells Fargo's collection agency. My nigga if I get this job!! We're talking 11.25/hr 40hrs a week guaranteed. My Jesus. Realize that I'm currently working (3) part time minimum wage jobs. No more! No, sir, massah. I will be making official, legal, government taxed money. It'll be like my first "real" job & shit. And my mom can no longer say I'm not doing anything with my life. In other news,

I've got a person (Person = Below a boyfriend, but above a boo). & I think I love this nigga. I keep wanting to tell him that but....too soon. I know. So I'm just gonna, yenno, shut up for a while on that. Cus really? This niggas not even a boyfriend. How dare I tell him anything more than I like him? That shits ridiculous. I'll lose my player card for some shit like that. Speaking of which,

I've got a date tomorrow evening. Not with the person though, obviously.

I think that's gonna be all for now. I'll let y'all know how the interview goes. And how the date goes. And how....life....goes. Yeah, cus that is the whole purpose of the blog, ain't it?

Till next time: Positive energy, high hopes, & love♥;

2009-07-14T22:56:00.000-07:00

At this point, I understand that I only continue to involve myself with you because of my own foolish pride. I told you once, at a very early stage in our....whatever this is, that there was no such thing as opening up too slowly when it came to emotions. I told you that as long as you were trying, everything would work out, and you should never let a female make you feel guilty for not being as open with your emotions as they would have you be.

Now, I don't know if you're trying or not. It doesn't seem like you are, but, it'd be unfair of me to make that assumption, so I'm just going to say I don't know. I hope you are. I hope that this is a priority to you, being able to communicate with people emotionally. I don't think it is, but I hope it is, and I hope you're trying to fix it.

In any event, I feel like if I were to leave you alone, because you're not emotionally open enough for me, that'd be hypocritical. I also feel like you wouldn't take my advice. You'd start thinking there was something wrong with you and never try to open up again. I understand I may be giving myself a little bit too much credit right now, but it is the way that I feel.

And so, I continue to talk to you, or to try, anyway, even though there's no gain for me, because I hope that it can be something good for you. Meanwhile, I go get something for me somewhere else, and keep any thoughts of the "r" word with you at a distance, because then I would be cheating.

You know you're not the only person I talk to. He knows about you. And yet I still manage to feel guilty. And this whole thing is pretty retarded, when I think about it. I should probably just leave you alone.

But in typical female fashion, I pray that you'll change, that overnight you'll magically transform into the perfect man, so we can commence with our happily ever after. You know the one. The one that happens in all the movies, the one that's completely impractical, yet somehow always manages to work anyway. That's what I'm waiting for.

Looking at all that with a critical eye, I'm forced to ask myself who it's benefitting though, really. It's not fair to you, it's not fair to me, and it's not fair to him. So what on earth is the point?

2009-07-11T03:27:00.000-07:00

Erm, so there's two guys I talk to. And, I'm actually not the type to be as into multiple people as I am into the two of them. I'm conflicted about it, like it's really bothering me. Right now, I'm on the phone with one and texting the other. And like, I don't know. It's kind of irritating.

The issue is that, I'm finally starting to recognize number two as a viable option. For the longest (I've known him for two years) I've just been like, oh yeah, that's Dre. He's always been into me, and I've always....idk, allowed him to be into me. Like, I fed it just enough that he'd stay around, but it was no more or less than that. Now, I'm really looking at him, and the other dude I talk to, and I'm trying to force myself to make a decision.

And I wish that these weren't both long distance relationships, because if I could just like....date the two of them, it'd be madd easier, don't you think. I kinda wanna take a trip out to visit both of them, go on a date with each, and then come home and think about it. Like an audition. One lives in Brooklyn, the other in Ft. Wayne, Indiana.

I think I should challenge them. Like, I should make it a competition. But I wouldn't do that, because it's kinda childish, and I'm pretty sure one of em would just be like, "nah, I'm good, if you want old dude, do what you do." I can hear that clear as day, actually.

I'm on the phone with one of these niggas right now, by the way. We're not talking, because....I don't talk on the phone. So, I swear this nigga called just to hear me breathe. Lmao, anyway.

Good morning/night.

2009-07-05T10:01:00.000-07:00

Temper tantrums are never good for the first page of blogger, lol. We save those for the second page, once we've gotten to know each other a little better.

You wanna talk about last night? Lets talk about last night.

If I was the type that got hangovers, I would have a hangover right now. Thank God I'm not, but sometimes I wish I was, 'cause I think one good hangover one time would get me to stop drinking so much. Like, I was texting Davon, & he asked me why I drink so much? Why must I get drunk every time? When he asked me, I was drunk, so I'm thinking this shit makes perfect sense:

"Cus it takes a lot for me to feel it. & I figure if I'm not gonna feel it, then what's the point of drinking in the first place?"

& I mean, in a way, it still does kinda make sense, but at the same time, if it makes so much sense, why doesn't everybody drink just to get drunk? Like, people all over the world just have one glass of wine at dinner. I wouldn't even take a glass of wine at dinner. I'd think it was stupid. Wine and champagne both irritate the shit out of me, I only drink hard liquor, which is a bit of a digression, anyway...

I think this might be something I might have to work on. But at the same time, I feel like I'm entitled to it. I've NEVER drunk this much in such a close period of time. Like, last time I was drunk was June 20th, & this is like 2 weeks later that I'm drinking again, so I don't see how gives me a problem. Before June 20th, I hadn't been drunk since last summer.

I'm gonna end this blog now, cus it's rambly and irritating me, but I kinda wanna post the stats lmfao.

June 20th I had: A personal bottle of Jack Daniels, a personal bottle of grey goose in Cranberry juice, and like four shots of E&J, & A Bacardi & Lemonade before we left the house.

Last night I had: 4 shots of Vodka (in stupidly rapid succession), & then 2 shots of coconut rum, followed by a glass of coconut rum with Dr. Pepper (which is the single most delicious shit you've never tried). OH! And two wine coolers, but those shits don't even count anymore, cus they taste like koolaid.

Looking at it, it looks like a lot. More last time than this time though.

2009-07-04T00:44:00.000-07:00

Well dammit.

See, it's interesting, because this evening, I was gonna let you off the hook. I'm not meant for long distance shit, and I've told every nigga I've ever messed with before that he couldn't expect a faithful relationship from me, with us living in two entirely different states & shit. I need too much attention. Attention that you can't give. And that shit is so obvious, like honestly, I don't even know why I was trying to pretend like it would be any different with you. That's a testament to how much I adore you. Not only would it be hard as hell for me, because of the distance, and my natural tendency to flirt, coupled with my need to be close to people, but it wouldn't even occur to you to make it easier for me, to even remind me of your presence in your life. You would just keep doing you and expect me to sit around and wait. Which would be fine, if it wasn't long distance, but since it is, that's the easiest way to get your ass cheated on.

And I'm seeing this, as clear as day I'm seeing that this is exactly the way it's gonna go. So I was gonna let you off the hook. Let's just be friends. That way, you won't feel obligated to speak to me. That way, I won't be obligated to not flirt with other people. That way, I can keep you in my life, and you can keep me in yours, but on a less demanding basis, and if we ever meet, well we can take it from there, on good terms. That's what I was going to do tonight.

You were at a party when I got off work. I asked you to hit me up when you got home. It was a win/win, cus it gave me time to figure out how in the fuck I was gonna word this shit in the first place. I'd have liked it to sound more logical and rational, and less bitchy and temper tantrum-ish, which is what it's coming off as now, I'm sure.

You're home now. But you haven't hit me up. Not through any of the multiple forms of communication we have. I know you're home, 'cause you're on twitter, tinychatting with your lil buddies. Great. Why won't I just hit you up? Why should I? You obviously don't want to speak to me, or you would, so nevermind. You go do you. That's fine.

And that hook I was going to let you off of? Well, it's apparent you never gave a shit about the hook anyway, so let's just pretend that bitch was never even there, how bout that?

The cold part is, by the time you do get around to hitting me up, I'ma pretend like I don't even feel like this. Ain't that bout a gotdamn bitch?

2009-07-03T00:19:00.000-07:00

I was going to write this extra long pity blog, but I don't see the purpose. I'm not in a happy place right now. I suppose that's all you need to know. I may write some more after I've updated this blog layout, cus its mad bright, and bothering me.

Edit* Layout's done. I feel better. So, I'm extra hormonal, and that's the reason for my emotional distress right now. Logically, I know that, but it doesn't make me feel any better.

I deleted my tumblr a few minutes ago. Probably an irrational thing to do. Ehh. I'm irrational sometimes, that's something you should know about me.

I'm thirsty. So this is the end. Till next time

High hopes, positive energy, & love ♥;

2009-07-02T01:28:00.000-07:00

I don't like it when my brother goes to visit his father. I don't like it at all. Not even on weekends. If you know me well, you know I have issue's with his father (who's name is Karl), and that I raised my little brother for the majority of his younger life (like 0-4). It feels like I"m sending my own child off to slaughter when I send him out there.

The feeling is completely irrational, of course, Karl's never done anything wrong to Jon, or any of his biological children. He loves them. He's perfect with them. Jon loves his dad, and I don't want to mess that up with my personal issues. Idk it just...it makes me nervous to have him out there.

Anyway, normally he goes for a week or two during the summer. During that week I try to stay as busy as possible, so I don't think about where he is. This summer he's going for a month. An entire month. Like, I know you guys don't get it, it probably seems like I just have some retarded attachment to my little brother, but...

Nevermind. This blog is so purposeless, cus it's not even making me feel any better, I'm just working myself up more. I think I'm just gonna go to sleep.

=[

Woah

2009-06-23T16:40:00.001-07:00

So uhm...Sunday night/Monday morning (it was like 2:30 my time, 5:30 his, so yeah), I'm talking to Daddy, playing the random question game. And this nigga threw me for a loop. Like, he really showed me how serious he is about this whole little situation we have going. I felt awful. Like, honestly, I'm so into him I spend 95% of my time tryna act like I'm not. So I've been out, acting a fool, doing me, and talking to him when he has the time or whatever. 'Cause he's extra busy, and I don't wanna nag him for attention, so I just go get it from somewhere else.

No more. This nigga almost hurt my feelings that night, I promise you. Like, I don't know. We were on different pages. I see that now. So now I gotta hurry up and get on his.

Aww, he just text me. And I'm wearing my fucking I love my boyfriend tank top that I bought with this nigga in mind.

Do you see why I have to actively try to not look so damn open?

I'm leaving.

Till next time: Positive energy, high hopes, ♥

Truth.com

2009-06-05T22:12:00.000-07:00

Haven't blogged in a second. Don't know why I'm doing it now. Got the urge.

I need to be needed. Men in the past have called me dependent. Which isn't the case at all, at least, not in the traditional sense of the word. I don't need a man to take care of me, I don't need a man to provide for me, but I do need to know, all the time, that he needs me in his life. I need to be told that, shown that. I need it. Because if I can't see that he needs me, I don't feel secure in the relationship anymore. He could be fucking with anybody if he doesn't need me. That's the root of it, honestly, insecurity. Yeah, it's something I'm working on, but it's me. If that makes me "dependent" by anyone's definition, then so be it. That's who I am.

Which brings me to the point of females who lie. And I'm not talking about any old lying, cus that's a blog ion eem feel like typing honestly. I'm talking specifically about females who lie in relationships because they don't want to seem a way they actually are. Females that say shit like:

"I don't want to call him, cus I don't want to seem possessive."
"I don't want him to think I'm the jealous type, so I'm not gonna say anything about it."

Bitch? Like...if you are possessive, then be that shit. Flaunt it. If that's you. And if it's something you're ashamed of, or don't like about yourself, fix it. But even in the process of fixing it, you can't be in denial about it. It's extra hard to fix something when you're trying to act like it doesn't even exist. Plus now, you're keeping all this shit bottled up inside, which never works. Eventually, you're gonna snap, and start spoutin off at the mouth about some shit from two and a half months ago, and this niggas gonna be like "omg, she's lost her mind" and leave you cus he thinks you're fucking crazy, which (fortunately for you) is the one thing you're actually not.

And now you've wasted (insert amount of time here) trying not to be something you are, when you could've been finding somebody who appreciated you for all of it. Even your more psycho tendencies. Shame on you.

Which brings me around to this individual I've been talking to for a while. I feel like at this point we're just dancing around some shit that's inevitable. Eventually, it's gonna happen. Even if we both figured out right now that it would never work, I think we're in too deep to walk away. Could you walk away? I couldn't. Just like....stop? I don't think you could. Forgive me if that sounded cocky, but I don't.

Till next time (whenever in the hell that may be)
-A.

Ughhhh

2009-05-22T18:38:00.000-07:00

I honestly feel like getting rid of every fucking body in my life right now. Except twin. I mean, this is a normal thing for me. Once the novelty wears off, I could give a goddamn, really. I don't want to talk to you. I don't want to hear about your day. I don't want to tell you about mine. I don't to exchange witty banter with you. You can go to hell. Right now is not the right time to play the random question game with me, or ask me to do you a favor. If you are insecure about ANYTHING, right now is not the right time to come to me to calm your frazzled nerves.

Yes, your ass looks fat in that dress.
Yes, your tracks are showing.
Yes, she's probably cheating on you.
Yes, this will happen in every relationship you'll ever be in.
No, it's not your significant other, it's you.
No, things won't get better.
No, people don't change.
No, the third time is not the fucking charm.
Yes, fucking his best friend will make you feel better.
As will slitting your wrists afterward.
Are we finished?
Get the fuck away from me.

But because I know this is a stage I go through, a completely personal problem, I don't ignore people when they talk to me (I won't start a conversation with you, but I'll allow you to talk to me). Then, I get irritated with them, because they're talking to me, and it just turns into a lot of resentment, which makes me want, even more, for them to stop talking to me.

Right about now, my acquaintances are my best friends, because those muhfuckas know when to GO THE HELL AWAY.

Yes, I'm aware I'm unstable.

kthxbye.

This is what happens when you let me stay awake too long

2009-05-13T03:20:00.001-07:00

I'm so mad I hit the enter button, and so that shit posted, with no content, just the damn title. Which perfectly corresponds with the title, cus that really is some shit that would happen when you let me stay awake too long.

It's 3:20am. My alarm clock goes off in less than three hours, and, as is the rule, I'ma turn that bitch off and go back to sleep. If I ever get to sleep. Anyway.

Hi! I'm Ashley, and I'm going to regale you with some interesting facts about myself.

I'm almost 100% certain nobody reads this anymore, so I write this for my own entertainment.

I'm an attention whore. Like to the fullest. I want your attention. All the time. Like, come see about me. However, I have no desire to do anything to be attention getting. Like, that shit takes too much work. So basically, I want to sit in my room, and be lazy as shit, and still have you care about what it is that I'm doing, even though I've been doing the same nothing since you met me. It's a contradiction, I'm aware. Thanks.

The reason I don't let people in is because I don't actually like people. I mean, they're madd entertaining to have around, for when I feel like laughing at somebody, or don't want to go see a movie by myself or some shit like that, but in all actuality, most of the time I want y'all to go away. See, once people get all into your life and emotions and stuff, they feel all extra entitled to ignore you when you say stuff like, I don't want to be bothered. That whole "I'm your friend so I don't give a fuck if you don't want to be bothered, I want to know what's wrong." That'll get your ass kicked, fuckin around with me. Ion care. That's why the creation of internet friends was so bomb for me. I love y'all. I talk to you when I feel like it. And when I don't feel like it, I don't, and you're okay with that. A beautiful thing, internet friends are.

99% of the time, I'm mad at myself. Like, really. Why? You might ask. Because, well, and I mean this in no conceited way, but like, no! I've got the perfect analogy. I'm like the Los Angeles Lakers. I've got all the potential to be the fucking shit. Like, I've got skills, shit other people don't even...man, it's crazy. Problem is, I know that. So I don't be feeling the need to.....ya know, try? Like most people do. It took me five years to get out of high school. That shit is gonna haunt me for the rest of my life. Why did it take me five years to gradaute high school? Cus I knew I could do the shit, so it didn't really occur to me that it might take, i don't know, like, effort, or some shit. I'm like that with everything. The more confident I am that I can do something, the less effort I put into doing it. I can sing. Dammit, y'all I swear I can sing. So, why are all my youtube videos shitty? And I'm mad, because people think some of the ones that're up now are good. How fucking dare you? All of those are awful. I'm better than that shit. And yeah, I've got a studio quality mic. My mom spent 1000 on Logic Pro 7. LOGIC PRO 7, people. Like, niggas would KILL for Logic Pro 7. I never use it. I think I deleted it. Oops? I'm awful. It upsets me. I want to be better. But I guess the pain to change hasn't become as great as the pain of staying the same? Who said that? Cus I use it all the time, and I"m pretty sure I didn't come up with that.

I'm so sick of....myself though. Like, I'm so sick of being this person that I am, and seeing this person that I want to be, and having them be so drastically far away from each other. I don't know. Maybe the pain of saying the same has become as great as the pain of changing, because this shit is hurting my heart. It gets to the point where I don't even want to introduce myself to people anymore. I don't even want to talk. Because I don't feel like I have anything to offer. I'm 50% percent sarcasm and 50% hot air. Like, there's nothing to me. At least, that's what I feel like sometimes.

But that's not true. 'Cause there is. There's so much. And basically I just want to prove that I'm not a waste of space, and be a productive member of the planet and shit, but I've spent so much time slacking off, basking in the essence of my potential greatness, that the greatness has remained potential, and in reality, I'm just another Ashley, commonly confused with every other Ashley you know, and unable to break out of the mold, because I don't even know where to start now. That had to be a run on sentence. My brain is working like it's on speed right now, for the record, this is how I get at quarter to four in the morning.

I have insomnia. The actual kind, not the "oh, I have the ability to stay awake later than two am so I must have a disorder" kind. I fucking hate people with fake insomnia. Off subject though. Let's start that paragraph over.

I have insomnia, and sometimes I feel like it's a blessing in disguise. When everyone else is asleep, I'm awake, which gives me more time to catch up to where other people my age are.

I just had a revalation. I don't talk to one single person that's my age. No, scratch, I talk to twin. That's it. Everybody else I talk to is older than me. So let me correct.

When everyone else is asleep, I'm awake, which gives me more time to catch up to where the people I talk to are. I'm made to do big things, and I really think it's about time I started doing them.

I know I've said this before, and I've tried before, but I think the problem is I've tried to start being perfect at everything at once, and it just doesn't work that way for me, so I'm going to have to take this one step at a time.

I think step one will be being responsible enoug to at least try to go to sleep, so that I can be semi halfway useful at work in the morning.

And somewhere along the line, this turned into a blog of substance. Who'da thunk?

Till next time: Positive energy, high hopes, and love♥;

PS: This is what I meant to post in this blog. I wasn't supposed to say anything after that. I fucking know, right? I'm a disaster once I start talking.....

Can We Start Over?

2009-05-11T14:18:00.001-07:00

New layout. Bright as shit, ain't it? Ion curr. lmao, I like it. I'm in kind of something like a good mood. Can't figure why, but I'm not trying to mess with it. You know, how you start over thinking about why you're so happy when you have so much to be sad about, and then you end up sad? I know somebody's done that before. Yeah, it irritates me. So, we're going to skip it.

Question: So, Ashley, what have you come to blog about today? Answer: Not a damn thing. This is the obligatory, "I just changed my blog layout so now I've gotta post something" post. Y'all know the one. But I really don't have much to say.

I'm keeping the iPhone, I don't know if I informed you, the blog readers, of that decision. However, I'm not upgrading to the 3g this month like I thought I was. I'm not paying for the new phone, my godfather is, so I figure I'll give him time to save up for the new one that drops this summer, and then I'll just upgrade to that. Yup, that's the plan.

Erm....is the music on the music player playing? Somebody tell me. Oh shit! I forgot to add the comment link to this layout. I'll do that when I'm done. How i'ma tell you to comment me and there's no comment button? Lame.

Anyway. I'm gonna go take a nap, or watch a movie I've seen a million times, or something, cus I really don't feel like being active in the real world right now. I hope y'all are having a blessed day, I hope the mothers had lovely mother's days and that the children were good to their mothers on mother's day.

Till Next Time: Positive energy, high hopes, & love♥;

Love, Sex, Pain

2009-05-04T18:23:00.000-07:00

My mom used to be abusive. It happened. It's over. It drastically changed the dynamic of our relationship. I get away with things that other children can't, because my mother still feels guilty. It also changed the way I treat people, the way I deal with people. Your mother is supposed to be your first true example of real, unconditional love. Mine was beating the shit out of me. It was confusing, as I'm sure you can imagine.

That confusion stayed with me for a long time. I was fifteen before I realized that the reason I was drawn to men that treated me like shit, and the reason I was convinced I was in love with these men, was because that was the image I had of love. Someone who did you wrong, but hugged you and told you they loved you after. I couldn't trust good men, the ones you said they'd never do me wrong. I didn't believe them. Everyone that loved me, hurt me, so these niggas had to be full of shit, right?

Yeah, I figured it out at fifteen, but I couldn't break the cycle. I couldn't have a man that was too nice, he couldn't be soft, he couldn't be lenient. I needed a father, I see that now, but then, I needed a man with, what we would now call "swag", I still look for that in a man. That little push, almost bordering on cruelty but with enough of a playful edge that I can pretend I'm not being disrespected. I went looking for that, and I figured the perfect way to find it. I became as disrespectful as I could. All I wanted was somebody who would shut me up, but no one did. I've got a slick mouth when I choose to use it. I embarrased people. I slapped the shit outta dudes half a foot taller than me cus I felt like it. Nobody stood up to me. I was looking for the one that would.

Bruce stayed around so long because he almost fit that criteria. Almost. He wouldn't let me play him. In public. He'd act real big and bad around people. However, he would let me play him in private, and he let me kick his emotions around all over the place. I'd see a cute dude in the mall and be like, "we're gonna have to not be together for a minute," and then go get his number and come back. And he tolerated that. Ain't it sad? I know, I know, it's worse that I did it. But, I don't know. If someone's going to allow me to fuck with them, I'ma do it. And he did, for three years. We didn't stop talking because he stopped letting me fuck with him, we stopped talking because it stopped being fun for me. Like, who wants a man in their life with absolutely no backbone?

Summer 2007 I got played. However, the stakes of the game were higher than I anticipated. I got everything taken from me. Heartbreak I can deal with. This was more like bankruptcy. I don't want to talk about that in too much detail, but it turned a light on for me.

I still don't know what love is. My vision of it has been obscured by past relationships, but I want it. I think, when I find it, it'll be something like a partnership, like having a best friend that I also have an overwhelming desire to sleep with. Lmao, ignore that last. I wrote this blog because I felt like I had to. And I guess I do feel a little better. I didn't get into the sex aspect as much as I wanted but, I guess another blog for another time? If I continue blogging, that is.

Meh.

Till next time: Positive energy, high hopes, love♥;

Let's talk about my love life

2009-04-23T00:03:00.000-07:00

Hey! Uhm, hows y'all doin this evening? Ion really care. It's my blog, and tonight, we're gonna talk about meeeeeee, and my niggas. I collect them. I can't find one to be everything I want, so I get like six, that together would make the perfect man, and I just pick and choose what I want from who at what time. I've decided I'd like these people to remain nameless, but I'm going to pull a Flava Flave(©) and give them nicknames. There's 4(and a half kinda?) that are in the mix right now. These will be their names forever more, so pay attention.

The first is, obviously, Daddy. You've heard me talk about him, you probably know who he is, you just don't know who he is to me. As you may have guessed from his name, he's my favorite ♥;. I mean, I don't like him enough to not mess with other people. I mean, psh. If he were to get jealous once though, that'd be sexy. Lmao. Nah really, when this nigga is ready to be with me, I'ma stop what I'm doing and be with him. In the mean time, meet the rest of the cast:

Sugar. I've known him the longest, he's the oldest. This nigga is forever tryna buy me something. Actually, I should have a deposit coming through from him in the morning. I'm not a golddigger. I just don't look a gift horse in the mouth. You just mad nobody's sending you money. This nigga would be cool, decent conversation, 'cept for he was watching MTB4 instead of the playoffs. You fucking kidding me? Nah. But his dickkkkkk though! My fucking gosh. I mean, I can't help it, I'm nasty, and THIS NIGGA, whooo! Anyway. Lmao. I had a moment. Pleaseeee do not highlight over the large white space there. You'd think less of me, and I'd hate that, really.

Cutie. My Portland Boo. This is my video game buddy. My scream on the phone during the game buddy. My basketball in the park buddy. My "if you run into my go kart ONE MORE MUHFUCKIN TIME" buddy. Lol. He's a friends with benefits kinda situation. He stood me up tonight (pouts) but its cool. I'ma get his ass later. And....that's all you needa know about him.

Nasty. If the name don't say it all, you need your eyes checked. This nigga ain't no fuckin body. He just scratches and itch (thatfacedownassuptalkdirtytomebabyohgawwwwwwwwwwwd itch, you got one of those, right?). I haven't decided if I like him or not, cus we don't really talk. Y'all know how that goes.

Now, y'all wanna hear about my mysterious half a nigga? 'Cause I did say there were four and a half. Terrence. AKA beanpole. Aka twin's boyfriend. Because this bitch really said I should have sex with him, and ever since then I can't shake him. This nigga calls me EVERY DAY. Sometimes more than once, and we allllll know I don't this phone conversation bullshit. Who do I talk on the phone with?!?!? Daddy calls me every night, we say about six words, and then we go to sleep. PERIOD. I aint' tryna talk on the phone with you nigga. Fuck outta here. I do be havin a good time though. Like, I answer the phone when he calls, every time, so yeah.

Anyway, the reason I brought it up at all is cus I spoke to all four (and a half?) of them today, and it was weird. Emotional rollercoaster && shit. Terrence first, of course, telling me to have a beautiful day, followed my Sugar telling me the deposit should clear tomorrow morning, followed by Nasty asking me...well, nevermind what he asked me. Followed by an off and on convo w/ Daddy. Followed by a phone call w/ Terrence. Followed by the "sorry, some stuff came up, I'll hit you later, keep my side warm for me," text from Cutie. Now I'm talking to Daddy. I'm scared he fell asleep without me though =[

Okay, he didnt.

Anyway, I've totally lost the purpose of this blog. Really. I'll get at y'all later.

Till Next Time: High hopes, positive energy, love♥;

iPhone vs Blackberry Bold

2009-04-21T12:32:00.000-07:00

The Situation:

Okay, so basically, my old trusty Blackberry Pearl died. Straight fell apart. It was a nightmare. I couldn't do anything with it. It'd been hobbling along for a while, but when the trackball started to come apart I told my godfather, "You've got until this trackball comes out, and then you're getting me a new phone," to which he agreed. I told him I wanted the Blackberry Bold, and that if he bought it all properly, he could pull it off for 150 dollars. He said okay. We went to the AT&T store on Sunday, to pick up the phone, we discovered that the price I'd researched was only available online, and because I couldn't go without a phone for the three to five days that it would take for the phone to arrive, my godfather agreed to temporarily activate on the of the older (first generation) iPhone's they have laying around. They're an iPhone family, all three of them have one, and they keep asking me why I don't want one.

Anyway, I accepted, and, after giving in to pressure from my family, the AT&T sales guy, and Jay (who didn't even really pressure me, I've just never seen him so excited over anything, ever), I decided that we'd hold off on the ordering of the Blackberry, and I'd take a week to explore the iPhone, and see how I felt about it.

So, what's wrong with the iPhone?:
There's nothing wrong with the iPhone. I've stated and maintained from day one that this is a damn cool piece of machinery. Just hella handy to have around. It does everything. Absolutely everything. And anything it doesn't do, it's about to be able to do, give it a week. My first problem with the iPhone is that I don't like touch screen phones in general. AT&T guy: The phone is so convenient in every other aspect that you'll quickly get over that. =| okay AT&T guy, you're sexy and all, but don't get too cocky about all this, nah.

Anyway, I've had the iPhone for two days. It's fine. I'm not in love with it. It's bigger than I'm used to, but the Bold is bigger than I'm used to, too. My biggest fear really, is that I'm going to get the Bold and be like, "Damn, I want the iPhone back."
However, the iPhone wasn't doing anything but sitting in the house before, so if I do decide to get the iPhone back, I'll just go get the iPhone back.

The Politics:
There is a thick ass, firm, solid line drawn between Blackberry and iPhone users, a silent competition as to who's the better business phone. The Sidekick (which also does everything) would've been in this fight, if it's primary buying market wasn't twelve year old little girls. I'm afraid the G1 will suffer the same fate, plus the touch screen on the G1 is too sensitive, so yeah. Blackberry being the old money in this competition, you wanted a business phone before the iPhone came out? You got a Blackberry. Period. It was respectable. People saw you on it, they knew you had shit to do. It catered to all the business needs of it's owners, and if it's owners decided they needed something else, Blackberry worked their ass off to provide it. The iPhone, on the other hand, just does everything. Everything you need, everything you don't need, everything you never even thought of having access to on your phone. Lol, it's a little overwhelming.

All in all, I don't think this is the phone for me, not out of any fault on it's part, just because it's not the phone for me. But, it's got a couple days left to win me over.

The Joke:
When I first got the phone, this is what popped into my head:

I just need to talk

2009-04-14T13:59:00.000-07:00

The little white blogger box listens better than most. Mood music? Uhm, nothing's coming to mind. I'll post something at the end, maybe. Alright, here we go:

So, I've been flighty lately, which is totally unlike me, you should know. I don't do flighty. Flighty people irritate the hell out of me. I'm very much a firm decision making type of person. I decide what I'm going to do, and I do it. I'm also ridiculously stubborn. If I make a decision, and figure out halfway through that it was the wrong one, I will not change my mind. That's not what I wanted to talk about, though.

I've been trying to make some changes in my life: do things a little differently, be a little more open, a little less shy, let people see me, you know? Most people don't see me, they see what I show them. I'm not sure who that female is that I show y'all, but I'm not sure if I like her anymore, so, I think I'll just revert back to plain ol' me, if you don't mind. Anyway, even though I'm trying to change, habits are a bitch. And so I find myself becoming flighty. Maybe flighty's the wrong word. Wishy-washy is more like it, but I don't think that's really a word at all. Y'all get the point. I'll decide I'm going to do something, and then at the last second, my old habits will rear up and I'll go back to doing the exact same thing that I was doing before. But then I realize I'm doing the same thing I was doing before, and I try to start doing the new thing again. It makes me seem confused, and while I understand confusion is a normal part of life, I'd rather not appear to be confused, to the outside world. My composure is my only defense. I try desperately not to let people see how upset life makes me. I think it works, most times. Everybody has moments.

However, this confusion, in the aspect of relationships (not just romantic, platonic as well), is making it very hard for me to interact socially. I'm naturally a very shy person. I'm absolutely awful at "making friends." How does one even do that? Like, if I see a person's blog who I think is cool, do I just leave a comment like, "Hey, I'm Ashley, I think you're a cool person. We should be friends." Is that okay? Or does that look desperate? See, I don't know, and (as Jay Adams can attest), if I don't know, I won't do anything. I will continue to read said cool person's blog, for a year, and tell all my current friends (who happen to know said cool person) how cool I think they are, until someone forcibly introduces us. Yes, they usually have to hold a gun to my head to make me add you on yahoo messenger, and then, once you're added, I'll say hi once, and then fade into the background of your internet life. I need people to make the first move. Which is bad. Very bad. I need to be able to make the first move. I'm a strong, independent black woman, right? I should be able to introduce myself to people without feeling like a complete idiot, right? Yes, I should.

Yet, somehow, that shit never works.

So, my mission (along with remembering my grammar and proper punctuation, which I think I'm doing fairly well), is to be more assertive in my relationships, and to not be afraid of acknowledging what I need. Also, I need to do whatever it takes to make myself feel like less of an idiot when introducing myself to other people. They need to see my cool. LOL. 'Cause I'm cool, gotdammit!

When I'm not being lame, like in the previous sentence. Lmao. I think that was a very successful pep talk. How come y'all can't be that helpful? Shame. I still love you.

Till Next Time: Positive energy, high hopes, love♥

P.S.: Cassie's bone structure is fucking perfect so she can pull off whatever haircut she wants, physically. My question is, does she have the attitude to pull it off? Only time will tell.

Sigh

2009-04-14T00:01:00.000-07:00

This is the part where I push you away. Get stupid and mean and generally unattentive, until you can't recall what you saw in me, and don't know why you're still trying. I'm gonna make you leave. You actually don't have any say in the matter.

And even though I see this happening, and even though I want you in my life, I think I'd rather you leave then get hurt anymore. So goodbye in advance. It was fun.

Smokinggun.mp3 just reminded me how fucked up I am. Am I wrong for feeling like I deserve to be by myself? Whatever. I'm going to sleep now I think.

Hook
Jasmine sullivan:
You're the only one i love
Jadakiss: uh huh
The only man i know that i can trust
Jadakiss: yup
And if i ever should need u
I know you'd come
Jadakiss: yea
Ready to kill with a smoking gun
Echo: (with a smoking gun)

Verse 1
Jadakiss:
Yo shawty is courageous
Going through the stages
Of where her body is more mature
Than her age is
Far from the daddy's little girl type
Can't even imagine what her world's like
It all started off as a youngin
Stepfather used to touch her
And she couldn't say nothing
The more she held in the pain
It kept coming
Eventually it scarred her for life as a woman
And then he just kept touching her
Inside that was crushing her
I got something to discuss with her
I'm coming with the tech
With the ear holes and the mufflers.
(blaw)

Hook:
Jasmine sullivan:you're the only one i love
The only man i know that i can trust
And if i ever should need u
I know you'd come
Ready to kill with a smoking gun
Echo: (with a smoking gun)
Ahh ahh
With a smoking gun
Ahh ahh
With a smoking gun
Ahh ahh
I know you'd come
Ready to kill
With a smoking gun

Sounds faded:
Girl: through
A long road
Jadakiss: uh huh
Girl: i'll come
Jadakiss: yup
Jasmine sullivan:
I know u'll run
Ready to kill
With a smoking gun

Verse 2
Jadakiss:
Yo now she really stressed bad
Baby by her step dad
Her and lil man
All alone up in westhave
Tough road
And without a car
It's a tough walk
Worse part about it
Is her mom think its her fault
Word get around yall
Know how the town talk
Baby girl is innocent
Labeled ah the town whore
Suicidial thoughts on her mind
Even now more
First the abuse
Now she gotta raise her child poor
And that's why i feel for you
That's why i'm ready to kill for you
That's a black girl lost for ya
Call me
I'm come through and let it off for ya.

Hook:
Jasmine sullivan:
You're the only one i love
The only man i know that i can trust
And if i ever should need u
I know you'd come
Ready to kill with a smoking gun
Echo: (with a smoking gun)
Ahh ahh
With a smoking gun
Ahh ahh
With a smoking gun
Ahh ahh
I know you'd come
Ready to kill
With a smoking gun
Jadakiss:
Uh
Sounds faded:
Girl: through
Jadakiss: uh huh
A long road
Jadakiss: yea
Girl: i'll come
Jadakiss: yup
Jasmine sullivan:
I know u'll run
Jadakiss: yup
Ready to kill
Jadakiss: yup
With a smoking gun

Verse 3
Jadakiss:
It aint your fault boo
I'm always here for you to talk to
Hold your head high when you walk through
Sometimes the devil's temptation would force you
One thing about the lord
He'd never cross you
Look at all the bad things that they tried to do to you
And you're still queen of this earth and you're beautiful
Everything happens for a reason
If you ever need me
Call me
I'm coming through squeezing.
(blaw)

Hook:
Jasmine sullivan:
You're the only one i love
The only man i know that i can trust
And if i ever should need u
I know you'd come
Ready to kill with a smoking gun
Echo: (with a smoking gun)
Ahh ahh
With a smoking gun
Ahh ahh
With a smoking gun
Ahh ahh
I know you'd come
Ready to kill
With a smoking gun

Sounds faded:
Girl: through
A long road
I'll come
Jasmine sullivan:
I know u'll run
Ready to kill
With a smoking gun.

Smoking Gun feat. Jazmine Sullivan - Jadakiss

Till next time: positive energy, high hopes, love♥;

L is for the way you....

2009-04-11T23:23:00.000-07:00

Uhm....'sup bloggers. Y'all wanna know what I did today? I worked. Then I came home &+ we was supposed to do my hair but Chrissy was trippin so now we're gonna do it in the morning, cus what if she oversleeps, or I oversleep, or we both oversleep? I mean, I know y'all know how black Easter Sundays work. I can't be lookin raggedy. That's against all the rules. If everything works out, I'ma take hella pictures. You'll see && stuffs.

So uhm, yesterday (Friday) one of my dogs died. It was grimey, cus my aunt just took him to the vet and had him put down, and she didn't tell anybody till after. Well no, I can't say that, that makes it sound grimier than it actually was. Last summer, the dog (Dempsey), bit my little brother last summer. We still don't know what happened, cus Jon wouldn't say anything (which leads me to believe it wasn't entirely the dog's fault), but the parents weren't having it. The dog bit one of the babies, he had to go. Of course, they didn't immediately just jump to have him put down, they were looking for a home for him, but he was a pit bull/dalmation mix with a history of aggressive behavior, and all the homes said they couldn't take him. They basically said that the only people who would take him would probably be Mexicans who'd use him in dog fights. So our options were pretty much to have him put down at the vet, or to send him to torture.

Anyway, we were stalling, 'cus nobody wanted to put him down. But, as you may or may not know, once aggressive behavior starts in pits, it doesn't stop. He started getting aggressive towards the baby, growling at people for no apparent reason, just being downright mean. So, the other day, my aunt decided we couldn't wait anymore, and she took him to the vet, and just did it.

That's not the part that gets to me though. The other dog, Darwin, he's the younger, and the furthest thing from a fighter you've ever seen. Though you wouldn't know it to look at him, that dog is fucking huge, we swear he's part horse, with this deep ass baritone bark and fucking fangs for teeth, but he's nothing but a big puppy. And he's just fucking lost with Dempsey. Like, he keeps looking around the house for him. Tonight I took him out for his walk, and he just kept howling and barking, like Dempsey's just lost somewhere, and Darwin's trying to find him. It's breaking my heart, really.

Which leads me to another thing I've been thinking about: Isn't it funny how love doesn't stop when the thing that you love stops? Like, I hate being at funerals and hearing people say shit like, "you must have loved him very much." Have loved? Past tense? It didn't shut off. It didn't go anywhere. Like, I know it might not make logical sense, but y'all all know what I mean. When a person dies, you continue loving them the same way you did, because the emotion was too big and uncontrollable to shut be stopped. So I think, instead of hate, grief is the opposite of love, I think grief is what happens when love figures out the thing it loves is never coming back. It's just as big and uncontrollable, and it hurts.

Anyway, this is starting to depress me, and that wasn't the purpose of this blog at all. Lol, I'ma go bother Cody, maybe finish this book. I need to go to sleep, so I don't have to look like a poodle at church tomorrow.

Till next time: positive energy, high hopes, love♥

I love you Samantha

2009-04-09T23:36:00.000-07:00

She needed to hear that. Or read it, or whatever.

My "oh shit" reflex just kicked in justtttttt now. I was waiting on it though. I knew it'd come. This is how I get. I enjoy the cuddly warm feeling that comes with talking to a guy for a short period of time, but don't let me actually start to like the nigga. No, that's against the rules. Don't let me lose control of my emotions at all, even the slightest bit. That's when it's time to stop. Take a couple steps back. Like four steps, or twelve steps, or all the steps. How bout we start at the beginning? I'm Ashley, and you?

In the last three minutes I've come up with about thirty reasons to let this shit go and just pretend like it never happened, seriously. It's not even so much that I mind relinquishing the control, it's who I'm relinquishing the control to, and what they plan on doing with it. In this particular case it feels like it'd just be floating out in the middle of nowhere, because the person I'd give it to (and I'd give it, in case you were wondering, I really would), doesn't seem to want it. I guess I'm supposed to be confident in the fact that he does want me (I mean, why wouldn't he, right?) but I hate that, 'cause confidence has gotten me in trouble far too many times. What if he doesn't? See? That shit there is far to scary for me to fuck with right now. So I should just let it go, right? Right. You see what I'm talking about. I knew you'd understand.

My fucking head is a mess right now. I'm beyond sleepy, but I don't want to sleep. Being in the dark and quiet leaves too much room for thinking. Ehh.

"I've been changed and rearranged and it's not like it was before"

OH! and by the way, this is not subliminal, this is for you. And just because I'm not throwing your name around, doesn't mean it's not for you. So, yeah.

Till next time: Positive energy, high hopes, love♥

Mushy as I wanna be

2009-04-08T01:54:00.000-07:00

Real talk? Daddy said he's been having nightmares since we stopped sleeping together, and that shit made me think. I honestly haven't gotten more than four hours of sleep at all since the last time I slept with him. Last night I went to sleep a little after 8, woke up at twelve. Same for the night before that, and the night before that. I think the last time I slept forreal was like...Friday night, or Saturday. Now, it's fucking two in the morning, I haven't so much as yawned. Me, twin, and her boyfriend are up talking (despite the previous post, her boyfriend actually really is a good friend of mine, like, that's my buddy). But, you know how it is, they're a couple, and I"m just me. So, in case you were wondering at all, I miss you too Daddy.

Anyways, now that the love letter section of the blog is over (I disgust my fucking self with this bullshit), lets talk about my day. I got to sing a lot. Like, its amazing to me how many damn musicians I know. But anyway, I told my old high school band I'd help them out with a performance they're doing tomorrow. So today I went to a rehearsal with them. It was cool. I got to see a lot of my old buddies. And a lot of my old haters, which made me giggle. But the highlight was my white boy Cody. Y'all know I gotta keep a white boy. That's my boo. He broke the rules though. He got taller when I wasn't looking. Now I gotta feel all inadequate. Swear he was 5'9 when I left in Jan, and this lil kid got the nerve to be 6'1 now. FUCK OUTTA HERE CODY. At least now the muhfucka could change my light bulbs or some shit.

Anyways, we did our rehearsal, and had our run through, and that was cool, and then I had to hop the bus to go to my actual choir rehearsal. I'm pretty sure I mentioned last week that I'd been having trouble, and I'd like to thank everyone, if anyone, who prayed for me, because it worked. Maybe it was just the amount that I prayed for myself. Tonight was a great rehearsal, and I feel like we came along way towards establishing a new structure. I mean, tonight's rehearsal was special, because Easter is on Sunday (and guess who has nothing to wear and no money?) but still, I think things will get better from here.

Anyway, tomorrow is the band's performance, so I'm gonna be there pretty much all day prepping and setting up. It's cool though. I love them, really. However, it's gonna be really fun trying to sing all day with the beginnings of a cold and absolutely NO FUCKING SLEEP. Sorry, y'all know how I get with the caps lock when I'm irritated.

Oh, and by the way, I need new friends, cus y'all fucking suck. (but not you, Dori).

Till Next Time: Positive energy, high hopes, love♥

God only knows what I'd be without you...

2009-04-07T05:17:00.000-07:00

All is quiet on the western front. Lol. Now that everybody and their dog has moved to tumblr, I feel like I've got air to speak. Nobody's paying little old me any attention, right? Yeah, let me dream, okay?

So, rewind. The school year was 05-06. I was a sophomore at Crenshaw Arts and Technical Charter High School. We will lovingly (psh) call it CATCH for the remainder of the blog. During my sixth period health class, when we were introducing ourselves (name, age, && zodiac sign, because Mr. Jones was a freak, a Scorpio himself), I introduced myself as Ashley, 14, Capricorn. The girl in front of me introduced herself as Jill, 14, Capricorn. She then turned around and asked me if I'd gone to Baldwin Hills Elementary school, which I had, and so it began.

We were the same height, almost the same skin color, she had herself convinced we wore the same bra size (which we don't. She's a cup size bigger than me, always has been, but you can't tell nothing to delusional bitches, so I let it go), we thought alike, if you asked us both the same question at the same time on opposite sides of the school, we almost always gave the same answer, and if one of us were in a room, and said "wow, I was X were here," the other tended to pop up within a few minutes. Most importantly, however, we were both Capricorns, and both the kind of people to which being a Capricorn mattered. Those types that ask you your sign right after they ask you if you have any illegitimate children in the "getting to know you" conversation, and actually take your answer into heavy consideration when we determine how seriously we're going to fuck with you. We were the Capricorn Twins.

Above that even, we were both virgins. Though that shouldn't be such a marvel at 14, at CATCH, it was a novelty that got us followed around just about all year. The Virgin Capricorn Twins. Promise you, we were the only two bitches at that school not having sex. That weren't having sex on the first day, and still hadn't by the last. It was only us.

I tell you all that so you can have at least a small understanding in the magnitude of the fact that my twin lost said virginity. And, as most hormone driven teenagers get, she's been completely and totally sex obsessed since it happened. Now, though equally virginal in the technical sense, I've never been quite as....pure, as Jill. I was exposed to a lot, and I was exposed to it early, so I knew how to get a man and keep him, without having to resort to sex. Jill, however, is just now venturing into said dark arts, and has taken it upon herself to learn from a master: me. She's very interested in how it is a woman can bring herself to go down on a man (pipe cleaning, as Daddy so eloquently put it. Am I the only female that can say sucking dick with a straight face? Like, how many names do y'all have for the shit? Say it. Sucking dick. Out loud. There, didn't that feel good?) Sorry, I got a little off track there.

Anyway, as is the way with teenage girls, the conversation on giving head then spiraled into a conversation on a multitude of other things, including the enormous crush I had on her when we were in school together (I like my women thick, with nice breasts, and some fucking sense. She fits the bill to a T, to this day, but I didn't tell her all that). As soon as she figured this out, she started probing me on how I felt about her boyfriend. Did I think he was cute? (he's alright) Did I think he was fuckable? (Ehh, if I was drunk, possibly) Did I think he'd make a good first time? (Well, he made a good first time for you, and that's all that matters.....right?)

I have a sneaking suspicion. I'm about three quarters into her brain, and I know where this bullshit is going. I fully intend to stop it before it gets there. I'm not going to blog my suspicions though, only facts. So for now, thats it.

The title has nothing to do with the blog, the song is just stuck in my head.

Till Next Time: Positive energy, high hopes, and love♥;

Am I the only one who thinks its an impossible task?

2009-04-03T23:30:00.000-07:00

"There is little more brave than a honest, personal blogger with no apologies." -Dori.

Had to bring that back. Though I think this may count as an apology, a lot of this is my period talking, so you can overlook the stuff that's just excessively depressing. I probably won't mean it next week.

I want somebody to touch me. And I'm beyond sick of people who can't. Like, do you know how long it's been since I've been touched, by someone outside of my family, in any way other than the platonic? Months. Five of them, actually. Almost exactly. It was October 30th, 2008. Bruce. Ladera Park, CA. I hated it, honestly. He gave me a fucking hickey. I hate hickeys so much. Actually, he gave me too, && then I had to go hide them shits so people wouldn't think I was attacked by a fucking vampire. Though, if I'd played it up, I probably could've pulled it off, ya know, with Halloween the next day. I got off track there for a second.

I'm a physical person. I need a fucking hug. And I need somebody to touch me. Just for the pleasure of touching me. Whatever happened to that? I honestly want to cry right now. Don't tell me that shit's ridiculous, I know, thank you. I'm allowed to be a little ridiculous right now. I'm in pain and I'm tired and I'm irrational and I'm out of fucking cookies, so don't fuck with me, alright?

smh @ me.

I'm done talking. I'ma go curl up in bed with Walter, the only man (kinda) who's never let me down.

Till next time: all that shit I normally say, but at the moment, can't bring myself to mean.

So Lemme Tell Y'all What Happened...

2009-04-02T22:35:00.000-07:00

So, yesterday, I was kinda cute, so I took to taking pictures on the webcam. I only took like four. I think four is like, the limit of pictures I allow the world to see at a time. Like, I'll take like fifteen, and then decide four are absolutely perfect and need to be posted. That's what happened this time. Anyway, y'all want an example of the extent of my fucking OCD? Here it is:

I took the pictures, and I went to post them, but my myspace layout at the time was blue, and in the pics I was wearing red. So I changed my myspace layout to something red, so that I could upload the pictures. Crazy right? That's only half of it. Then, I got upset because the blog was still the same when the myspace had so obviously upgraded, so I decided I needed to change this too. Ain't that picture pretty? I like it.

That's the end of the OCD example. Update? Update.

I go back to work tomorrow. I should have my new phone Saturday. My financial aid didn't come through, so I'm not going back to school this term. I signed up to volunteer at the library and the hospital in my free time. I bet y'all didn't know your girl did community service like that. I like to, when I can. I haven't had much time, of late. I've been having a really hard time adjusting to the choir at my new church. It's because I'm spoiled, among other things. New paragraph.

Only musicians will know what I mean when I say I have perfect pitch. I was singing harmony before I knew what harmony was. I thought it was some secret thing only I knew how to do. I thought it was my secret power, lmao. If you play a C, I can tell you it's C with my eyes closed. Same for D, E, F, G, A, & B. As well as all the sharps and flats. I have perfect pitch. I expect my choir director to have perfect pitch, or at least pretty damn good pitch, and, in the past, all my choir directors have. So it's killing me that this one doesn't. This is probably the least professional choir I've ever been involved with, & its eating me up. I was so frustrated last rehearsal I was in tears. Like, seriously crying, 'cus I was so mad. I wouldn't even talk, the rest of the night. It was lowkey ridiculous, but whatever. All I'm saying is, pray for me, if that ever crosses your mind, because no matter how petty it seems, I really am having a hard time.

I don't have much else to say. I'm really mad Jay got me stuck on playing Monopoly and two days later they tell me the service is down for macs. =[! Well, that's just unfortunate. I will leave you with the pictures that inspired the blog changes.

http://i44.tinypic.com/2moutuh.jpg
http://i41.tinypic.com/2vrzza9.jpg
http://i44.tinypic.com/sdpf7m.jpg
http://i44.tinypic.com/291j7ee.jpg

Oh, and what song should I put on here? The silence is deafening.

Till next time: positive energy, high hopes, & love♥

I don't know about tomorrow...

2009-03-27T20:04:00.000-07:00

"There is little more brave than an honest, personal blogger with no apologies." -Dori (I found out today, her name is actually Dorinae. How cute is that?! lol Hi, Dori)

I am....

sometimes clingy, a lot of the times overemotional, sensitive, and scared of anything that makes me feel too much. Feelings scare the shit out of me, and I have a lot of them, so I spend a lot of my time scared. I'm a little insecure. Not to the point of being psycho, like some females I know, but it's there. And if I value your opinion, and you insult me? I take that to heart. Don't tell me to shake it off. Don't tell me to grow up. Don't tell me to get over it. That's not what I need to hear. Tell me it's okay, and that I've got nothing to worry about. Tell me you'll protect me. What you see is not what you get when it comes to me. I'm a multifaceted individual. People that are transparent are generally one of three things 1) stupid 2) overconfident 3) hiding something. Sometimes, you'll get some fucked mixture of the three. I've been hurt. I don't want to be that girl that's so jaded from her past that she doesn't want to try again, but sometimes, that girl is all I know how to be. I'm not an open book. I am, however, a book, and if you take the time to open me, to read me, to pay a little bit of attention, I'll be everything you need me to be, to the best of my ability, in any case. I don't always make the right decisions. I don't always say the right things. I require patience, firm rules, and boundaries. Sometimes, I try so hard not to let people see the naturally rude part of me, that I come off as fake. Other times, I try so hard not to come off as fake, that I come off as rude. I haven't found the happy medium yet. I'm still looking. I talk a lot, all the time. If I'm not talking, it's because I'm afraid you don't want to hear it. Encourage me. I cry easily. It doesn't always mean I'm sad. Sometimes, it just means I'm nervous, and I need a hug, lol. I need a lot. I know that. I own that. I'm not ashamed. To be a part of my life takes work, and I don't fault anyone who doesn't want that, or doesn't have time for it. However, I'd greatly appreciate it if you wouldn't waste my time. I forgive easily in general, but I never forget anything. Don't lie to me, it's not worth it, I always know. Last, but definitely not least, I'm a work in progress. I'll get better, I just feel like I don't have any support, and if I'm going to be alone anyway, why bother?

.....And I just thought you should know all that.

Till next time: positive energy, high hopes, and love♥

A little bit of a retraction.

2009-03-26T14:41:00.000-07:00

"There is little more brave than an honest, personal blogger with no apologies." -Dori

Y'all thought I was playing when I said I was going to keep putting it up there. I don't play about my blog now, I thought you knew.

Anyway. I know a couple months back I said I didn't like teen pregnancy, or that might've seemed like it was what I was saying, but it actually wasn't. I don't like immature teen mothers. Scratch that, I don't like immature mothers at all. It makes me really mad to see people that get pregnant and continue to go about their life like it's still about them. That's what bothers me about teen pregnancy, and that's what the pregnancy blog was about.

With that said, the only thing that makes me more upset than immature teen mothers, is people that hate on mature teen mothers. The one's who do it right, and make the right decisions for their children. That shit's commendable. They need a hand clap, and some fucking support. And if you are going to give them praise for doing what's right, dont' qualify it. Say "good job." Don't say, "Good job (butyoustillshouldn'thavehadababy)." That's disgusting. And they don't need that from you, they've got a hard enough time as it is.

Plus why is it we feel the need to be in other people's business anyway? I mean, when I was talking about pregnancy last time, all the people I spoke on were people who came to me, and asked me for advice, they involved me personally. But unless you're deeply concerned for the child's safety, what business is it of yours how they raise their child? That's them. How bout you go do you? How bout that?

Blah, but really though. If there's any teen mothers reading this right now, congratulations for making it this far, however far you are. I'm sure God's blessed you with everything you need to be the best mother you know how.

Moving on, I'm making a list of things that irritate the shit out of me. I have reasons though.
1) Twitter (see the previous post)
2) People's obsession with Keri Hilson - note that I did not say Keri Hilson. I love me some Keri Hilson. And I like the video (even though it's OD strange to see ugmo ass Kanye West playing sexy ass Keri Hilson's love interest. Throw peanut head ass Ne-Yo in there and you find yourself asking what the fuck the world is coming to), but why on Earth does everybody have to hop on the same song at the same time? Really? Is it necessary? Calm down on Keri Hilson.

If you remember, I had this same problem with Drake a couple weeks ago. Y'all just hop from one to another, shit's confusing as fuck.

In other news, I'm legally changing my name two weeks from now, but I don't give a shit what y'all call me, cus it's the internet.

So yeah, thats all.

Till next time, I offer you positive energy, high hopes for the future, and love.

Twiddle Dee....Twiddle Dumb.

2009-03-22T18:34:00.000-07:00

"There is little more brave than a honest, personal blogger with no apologies." -Dori

I will no longer acknowledge this individuals presence in my life, seeing as I can't seem to get the same acknowledgment.

TMI: I've been madd horny for like three days and it's starting to make me a little insane. [/tmi] Lmao, I really needed to say that. Like, that was therapeutic as hell for me, so yeah, now that that's out of the way.

I was really going to blog about something important, but I don't have anything to say anymore. I really don't like twitter, it seems kind of pointless, used in conjuction with the seven other social networks these niggas have. Like, every single one of them has an updates "tell me what you're doing right now" type section, but nobody uses it, no, they go to an entirellyyyyyy other site, so they can go tell their little friends what they're up to. Okay, sure.

Just my opinion: Y'all and your fucking networks are getting a little out of hand. Just a bit.

I mean, plus, it's all starting to double back on itself. Like, the dude that created FollowWatch, ya know, the site that shows you who you gained and lost and processes information on your followers && stuff? He's the same dude that created Crushspot. Did you know that? Like, he made crushspot, crushspot got popular, he sold crushspot, but instead of going to sit down on an island somewhere with a pina colada and a fat bootied Brazilian bitch, this dude said, "Nah, it's still people glued to their fucking computers that I can take advantage of." And he went back to work. Why are we allowing these people to make so much money? I mean really? And THEN!! When somebody we ACTUALLY KNOW creates on of these social networks, nobody wants to join? Like, even when they're begging. The fuck kind of sense does that make? And you know what y'alls hairbrained ass excuse is when they ask you why you won't join their site?

"Oh, well that'd be too many."

GET.THE.FUCK.OUT.OF.HERE. You wake up in the morning, log into aim, yahoo, myspace, blogspot, tumblr, and twitter, and you mad cus somebody asked you to add [insertlameasssocialntworknamehere] to the list? Y'all worry me. I'm afriad this particular brand of retardation is contagious.

That's not even what I wanted to blog about, it was just heavy on my brain, so I had to, you know, have that little rant, so that, you know, I could feel better, which I do now, thanks much.

Oh, that quote at the top? That's my new blog mantra lmao. I'm just going to continue to post it at the top of my blogs, until it gets through my head. Butteruhm....I'ma go get something to drink. All that ranting made me thirsty.

Till Next Time,
-A. (who still holds no relation to the infamous -AdV)

Random Facts About Moi.

2009-03-20T16:40:00.000-07:00

Blah. I was thinking, and then, all the sudden, I was looking at the white blogger box, and I started typing. Don't ask me how these things happen. I'ma change the color scheme again, too. This was a mistake, it's too pale.

1) I am not a very forgiving person. Nor am I a very patient person, which I understand is a bad look but I don't really care. Fact of the matter is, if you tell me you're going to do something, and you don't do it, I no longer trust you. This only has to happen once, that's it, I'm through. And if you tell me you're going to do something, and don't, and we've established that I no longer trust you, then I don't want to continue talking to you. Fuck you. You had your chance. Go find somebody else to bother.

2) I'm naturally nosy. I want to know everything. I have a good memory. Once I know something, I tend to remember it. That does not make you special. Just because I asked you your birthday, and then remembered your birthday, even though we haven't talked in a while, does not mean I've been harboring romantic feelings for you since the last time we spoke. Grow the fuck up, like seriously? Just because I read your blog once does not mean I want to "jock your style". Are we being forreal right now? Who jocks somebody's blog style? Who? Please tell me, so I can go point and laugh.

3) I'm scared to death of that damn L word. So, let's say...we've been talking, you know, for a while, and you've decided that you want to throw the L word out. You will be all by yourself professing that shit. I will tell you that I care about you, and that you're important to me, but the L word? No sir. I don't do that. The L word is a thing that happens years in the making for me, if it ever happens at all.

4) I very rarely say what I'm actually thinking, because I don't trust you. Not like, in the I think you'll do me dirty if I tell you kind of way, not at all. I don't trust you to understand, or, I don't trust you take it the right way, or I don't trust you to look at me the same way. Mostly, I'm an intellectual snob and I figure if I told you what I was really thinking, you'd be afraid of my intelligence and not talk to me anymore. Which is fucked up on a multitude of levels, I'm aware. I overestimate myself and underestimate the majority of people that I talk to (there are three people to which this does not apply. Guess).

That's all I'm going to say for now. I might do more later though. I officially stopped watching the baby yesterday, so I get to go back to my regular boring ass life now. I'll be with Monica all this weekend. I get my new phone next week. I decided to go with the BlackBerry Bold [ click it ]. Then the week after that I start school, and the week after that I go back to work. Yeah, I'm feeling good about that. Anyways.

Till Next Time,
-A. (who holds no relation to the infamous -AdV)

He likes when I call him Daddy <3

2009-03-15T17:48:00.000-07:00

I'ma change this blog layout in a minute. OCD, I know, but this purple is starting to bother me. Purple, orange, and gray? What was I thinking? Every time I look at it I feel like someone's gonna shout trick or treat. smh. That's not what I came to blog about though.

I finally got my hair did which allows me to take pictures. I can't take picures raggedy you know, that's against all the rules. Anyway, y'all know how I get once I get on my picture taking mode, so expect about a million by...tomorrow. I might even go back to using my Flickr. Y'all ain't even know I had one of those, did you? That's not what I came to blog about, either.

The reason I got all dolled up & everything was 'cus my friends Monica and Angelica both shared a birthday yesterday, so they decided to go out together. They both have a strange fascination with strip clubs, so we were gonna hit one, & then we were gonna go to a dance club, & then get some food & go home, the usual. Angelica's mom got her a limo. That's cool. Okay. Whatever. So I get dressed & go to Monica's, & then we drive over to where Angelica said the limo would be. It was just me, Monica, & this mixed girl Kristen (who was unbelievably fucking pretty, by the way). Of course Angelica invited like 59 people, but it's her birthday, and her limo, so who cares, right? Her friends brought drinks, so we're all just chilling in the limo, waiting for everybody to show up so we can go. It was chill. I mean, it was as cool as it can be being the only people of color surrounded by approximately twelve white people.

Sidebar: Funniest part of the evening was when this kid Jordan got his iPod and decided to prove to me that he knew "what hip-hop is". Not only was nothing current, it was all mainstream and like...you know, the poppy hip hop, the kind white people listen to to feel good about themselves. It was totally expected. Anyway, back to the story.

So we spend like an hour waiting for everybody to get in the limo, then we had to go pick this one girl up, then people decided they wanted to pick up snacks, so we hit McDonalds. Monica's ole silly self forgot her ID, so Angelica said we could wait for her mom to bring it to her. Monica's a really sensitive person though, and she felt like she was just tagging along on somebody elses party, and she didn't really feel welcome. So when her mom got there she was like nevermind, I just want to go home. And she told me & Kristen we could go, but Kristen doesn't know any of them, and even though I know Angelica from school, I figured it'd be kinda shady to come with Monica and then just ditch her when she obviously felt like nobody wanted her around.

Anyway, while we're talking about this, Angelica calls me over and asks me what's wrong with Monica, so I tell her that she's feeling left out and kind of unwelcome. Now, instead of being a good fucking person, and saying something along the lines of, "Of course you're welcome. It's your birthday too, now lets go." This bitch strolls over to an already upset Monica and goes, "Well, if you feel uncomfortable, don't let me stop you from leaving."

Stupid bitch.

Making an already long story a little bit shorter, we went back to Monica's house. That is, after we picked up mass quantites of junkfood, && my entire alcohol stash. Then we ordered pizza and talked shit and passed out.

In the end, it was a waste of a perfectly good outfit. And that, my friends, is what I came to blog about.

Here are the four pictures from yesterday that I deem worthy of the public eye:
http://i40.tinypic.com/bhzkvd.jpg
http://i43.tinypic.com/2co1o95.jpg
http://i40.tinypic.com/5d56py.jpg
http://i42.tinypic.com/2ewdykm.jpg

He Ain't Even That Far Gone Though...

2009-03-08T23:25:00.000-07:00

So I'm doing my usual blog lurking, right? And my iTunes, which is on shuffle, decides it really likes Drake in this particular moment, so it starts on a little marathon. I don't mind. This nigga punchlines make me giggle, so sure. But somebody tell me why every single blog I've been on today had a Drake song playing? Uptown, Sooner Than Later, fucking Best I Ever Had is about to make me insane, The Calm, Successful...Okay, okay, nigga, we get it. I mean yeah, okay, he's good, but calm the hell down people. He's not even that good. Like really, I was gonna put Houstalantavegas on my Blogger playlist and now I hella don't want to. I hate predictability. Don't you hate predictability?

*Do Not Read The Following*

I've been thinking. Well, I was reading a book. I was reading Angels & Demons by Dan Brown, the same dude that wrote Da Vinci Code if you didn't know, the movie's coming out soon, so I was reading it. Anyway, the book was talking a lot about antimatter, and how its like a billion times more powerful than regular, good old fashioned matter, but scientists have no idea why.

And so you know, being me, that got my little mind working. 'Cause, I mean, isn't it like that with everything? I mean, maybe not scientifically, like with antimatter, but think about it. The things you don't say will always have more power than the things you say, simply because you don't say them. Which is why when people say something, or do something, completely out of character, it's taken seriously, because it's not normal. So why would it be any different with matter. I mean, if we're all made up of matter, like, everything, then why would our interactions as matter based organisms differ any of the interactions of actual raw particles of matter?

Okay. I'm done being a dork. It's just been on my mind, since I finished the book.

*You May Continue Reading*

So, we joined a new church today. We being me, mom, Ree, & Jon. The old one just didn't feel right. I don't expect anybody to understand that. A lot of people think church is supposed to feel uncomfortable, which isn't true. Not for me anyway. If I'm in the right church, I've always been able to feel at home there. Like myself. I'm not one of those people that acts totally different in church than I do on the street. I'm pretty much the same in both places. I dont' know if that means I'm bad in church or good on the street, but whatever.

The reason I brought it up is 'cause their choir is awful. The poor babies. I like, cringe when they go up to sing on Sundays. My big brother Mike's new fiance* (remind me to talk about that later) is the choir director, so she like, attacked me after church today, like "Ashley! We need you! Tuesday night at seven!" And because I'm semi known in this city, it's no suddenly pretending like I can't sing. It's not that I want to say no, I love singing. Especially in choirs. And it's not even that the choir's bad, really. I don't mind that. They're a small choir, and all the need is good guidance. That's what bothers me. They don't have good guidance. And I'll be damned if they expect me to come in there and be their good guidance. I don't like assuming leadership positions around people I don't know like that. Does that make any sense?

This is getting long, isn't it?

Okay, last thing. My big brother Mike proposed to his girlfriend Dauvia two weeks ago. Mike's 20, his birthday's in May. Dauvi's 19, her birthday's in June. They've already got a date set for late August.

Does anybody remember the pregnancy blog? I feel kinda the same way about marriage out here. People get married madd young. Like, I don't know, it's probably the way I was raised, but I know how to be in a relationship without having to get married. I'd have no problem living with a dude for some years without even thinking about marriage. Don't get me wrong, I do want to get married, but when I'm older. Maybe 26 or 27. 24 is honestly the earliest I'd even consider it. I think people get married so early out here 'cus there's nothing else to do. That's me and moms theory.

Okay! I'ma shuttup. I've got more to say, but y'all ain't even listenin anymore, so what's the point. I think I'm going to take some initiative && go do the educated guess blog. Don't ask, you'll see.

Till Then,
-A.

From My Soul?

2009-03-04T11:58:00.000-08:00

I had the bombest dream last night. Only problem being, I thought I was awake. That's the worst kind of feeling to have, man. 'Cause it wasn't one of those impossible type situations. It would have made perfect sense. The reason I couldn't tell I was dreaming was because it would've made perfect sense. And then I opened my eyes, and it was like....*sigh*. And then I just gave up and went to sleep. I was dreaming again, but at least this time I knew I was, so it sucked less when I woke up.

I know I was supposed to write something from my soul, but I don't have any right now. Soul, that is. I feel like I'm in jail. Like, all the body parts are in working order. Heart's beating, blood's circulating. Breath in, breath out, but there's nothing there. Dramatic sounding, but it's what I feel. That's from my soul. Real talk.

The electricity went off at our house today. Even if it hadn't, the cable, internet, and phones went off. I feel awful. Like, I've done the math. In the past month I've made enough to pay the rent for two months, and if I work for the rest of this month, it will next month too, which we don't need them to pay, which means that money should be coming to me, or given to my mom to cover any expenses she can't get to. So please explain to me why the electricty is off at my house. The fuck am I over here for? Please, somebody please make this make sense to me. What, they think they're just paying the bare minimum and if there's anything left over they can just...keep it? While all the food in my house goes bad cus there's no power? Excuse me?

So mom throws a little fit, goddaddy gives her enough to pay the power. So tell me why he's mad? Mad for what? This is what he's paying for. And he's getting off cheap. He's paying me minimum wage for this. At amounts of time that aren't even legal in this state, and no fucking breaks. So why is he mad that he had to pay the electricity? Why does that upset him? I don't understand. I thought this was the plan. I thought this was what was supposed to be happening.

Eh. Somebody's home, so...I'm just gonna shut the fuck up. That's my soul.

Till Next Time,
-A.

Erm...hi =]

2009-03-01T04:56:00.000-08:00

"And I wish that I could be with you tonight. You give me butterflies, inside...inside, and I..."

This song is madd old! Lol, it's starting to make me think of someone though, it's been in my head for a minute. But whatever!

This is the obligatory "I just changed my layout" blog post. I stumbled upon this purple on accident while I was playing with Javascript tutorials && decided that I needed to do something with it. I know, I know, that's random. But I mean come on, if you haven't figured it out by now.

It's 5:01am PST and I should be asleep. My y! status says I'm asleep and everything. Yet I'm not. I'm up, fucking with Javascript tutorials && changing my blogger layout. I might have to start taking those pills for this insomnia cus it's totally not okay.

I'm just now starting to yawn. How fucking dumb is that though, really? I'm going to search my soul for some more important shit to blog about because I'm tired of A) not having a life, and B) subjecting y'all to the fact that I don't have a life. So yeah, the next time you speak to me, remind me that I'm supposed to be searching my soul.

Till Then,
-A.

Inclination

2009-02-25T23:41:00.001-08:00

I had this strange inclination to blog, even though I know I don't have anything to say. I'll ramble. I like rambling, &+ you can't even lie, y'all like it when I ramble. I mean yeah, I'd prefer to have a point, you know, that'd be cool, but, seeing as I don't, &+ I'm typing anyway, I guess we're all just gonna have to deal with it, aren't we?

Question: If there's two people I'm into, one of them being long distance and one of them not, and the long distance doesn't want to take things any further, but the local one does, is the long distance one allowed to get mad? I've been wondering about that.

I deleted seven hundred songs out of my iTunes last week. Seriously. you wanna know the sad part? I've still got 1300 songs on this bitch. I'm a mess. But I'm always open to new music. What's your favorite song right now? Tell me in comments =]

I'm in my closet at goddaddy && aunty isha's. I've taken to just staying here instead of going home, cus it be cold by the time I can go home, && its cold when I gotta get here in the morning, so why not just stay? I mean, I've got a bed in their closet. This closet is hella fuckin huge. I can't even explain it. Without all the clothes and shoes in it. Man, I can't even...like wow. One day, I'll take pictures, so you can understand. I like this closet though. I like it cus theres no windows. I like real darkness. Like, you can't see your hand when its three inches in front of your face type dark. That's the best kind. It makes things less real. Like, if you can't see yourself, are you really there? I go to sleep easier when it's dark, cus I can't tell if my eyes are open or not. I know, that didn't make sense, but it works for me, so whatever.

Uhm, I'm currently talking to people on yahoo, but I'm about to watch a movie and go to sleep. Aunty Isha's going to San Fransisco tomorrow, which means I won't get my Friday off, which is hella fucking gay. Moms gonna help me, she says. She's off work tomorrow && Friday. I just need somebody to run me down && pick up my last check. My bank accounts 35$ overdrawn && that is not the business. Plus I'm tryna buy some shoes. Yeah, my priorities are straight. Not that I asked for y'all opinion in the first place.

Erm....that's it. G'night
-A.

Awkward

2009-02-23T20:06:00.000-08:00

I'm feelin' some kind of way about my life right now, I guess. I've just been so out of it. Like, watching the baby is fucking with my priorities. More than that, though, its fucking with regular day to day functioning. Like, I only know today is Monday because it's the end of my weekend. Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, generally get kind of lost. I remember Friday because that's usually the only time in the week I get out of the house for non work related reasons, because I usually work Saturday and Sunday too. That's over now, but, I mean, you get it. This past weekend was the first weekend in a month that I haven't had to work, or get out of the house, and I literally slept almost all weekend. I slept from 1am-2pm Saturday. Then of course I was up all night Saturday night, then I slept from 7am-5pm Sunday, and was up until 5:30 this morning. I took an hour nap, and then I went back to work. It's insane. And I'm not even complaining, like, I'm doing what needs to be done for my fam, so whatever, I'm just saying like, the intensity of never doing anything but working and sleeping, it's kind of crazy.

My financial aid hasn't come through yet, and I'm supposed to start school the end of March. I'm getting a little nervous about that. If I don't go back to school, I'm gonna get a little stir crazy, I swear. I miss doing something that bettered me as a person. I don't know if the word bettered made sense in that sentence but don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about. Sidebar: My yahoo is fucking spazzing, it keeps signing me in and out && the shit's irritating. End Sidebar. Like I was saying, I like school. I like learning. I like the challenge of it, and the forced discipline. Plus, I like meeting people, and talking to people. Do you guys realize how little I've actually spoken in the past month? I'm either texting, or im'ing, or talking to the one year old. It's awful. No wonder my voice isn't all the way back yet. (I'm really starting to think it's never going to come back).

I don't know. If you couldn't tell, this is forced blogging, to get back into the habit, but, as you can see, my life's boring, and I don't have anything to say. My twin hit me up today, asking to borrow sixty dollars that I'm ashamed to say I don't have. How I work two jobs and don't have sixty dollars? That shit is terminally depressing, like you have no idea.

There's only a few bright spots in my world right now. They know who they are, and they're enough for me. The rest of y'all will magically reappear when life's good again, and that's cool too, cus it's some of y'all I just can't deal with unless I'm in a happy place. I just be itchin to tell you to shut the fuck up and solve your own problems. Yeah, I know, that's not very nice.

Mkay, well I'm done talking now. I'm going to go back to drinking tea and listening to my music too loud. See yall the next time I decide to grace this whole blogspot thing with my presence.

Till Then,

-A.

2009-02-09T20:32:00.000-08:00

I'm so glad yall don't take the time to actually figure out what's going on in my head. If you did, I don't know if you could even stomach what you saw. You ever wonder what's behind all the smiles and hugs and rainbows? All the pet names and perceptiveness and good advice and pep talks? Nothing. There's nothing there. It's hollow. I honestly don't even have it in me to care about half the shit you say to me. Y'all steady talking, and it's cute to me because you seem to think I'm really listening. Why would I do that? Please tell me why I would take the time out of my life to give half a flying fuck whats the matter with you? You don't know anything about me. You're shit to me. The responses you get from me are automatic. A product of good training. It's genius actually. 'Cause you thought I cared. That's just precious, really. I'm wearing a mask for yall. And I keep it on so long I can't remember what my face looks like under it. But that's okay, cus it's not like anybody's inviting me to take it off. It's not like yall really give a shit. You get your sunshine and rainbows and I get nothing. And thats okay.

And one day I'll just disappear, and you'll find someone else to give you smiles and hugs and rainbows. Good advice and pep talks. And thats okay too.

-A.

Anniversary

2009-02-08T20:02:00.000-08:00

Okay, so....this is my 301st blog entry, and it's the second anniversary of me being on blogger. Not of this particular blog, but fuck ever, I'm counting this as the anniversary. I deleted the original blog, which is why even though I started blogging in Feb, the first blog you'll see is from Dec.

Anywaysz, in an idea pretty much straight stolen from Jay, I figured I'd highlight a couple of my favorite blog from the blogging experience. So uhm....yeah. =]

1) The first blog - Actually, its not the first blog. I deleted the first blog because it's top secret information, and at the time I was being stalked, && I ain't need people in my business. But this is the first blog you'll see for all intents and purposes. Funny story. I used to talk to this girl named Chey, who like always had a boyfriend, && one had broken up with her, && she wanted me to try to talk to him to get them back together. So I went to talk to him and well, I'm a bad friend cus me && Marq talked for a long ass time. He was sexy, && a cam hoe, so sure, why not. We stopped talking shortly after after I posted this blog, cus he wouldn't leave me the hell alone. Sam used to tease me about this blog though. "You're so metaphorical." I know. IGNORE THE WAY I USED TO TYPE! I was young, && easily influenced by fucking Myspacers....

2) My first daytime blog - This is actually seriously the first blog I ever posted when the sun was up. There's only been a few more since then. I'm either too busy during the day, or nothing's happened yet. I remember my happiness in this blog though. And I think I really did try to turn my life around after this. This blog is important cus this is what started the pic of the day idea, which then turned into like, news article of the day, && song of the day, && thing that made me giggle, and then I got lazy and stopped. lol

3) She Used to be the Sweetest Girl - I was on this song for a long time. Only that last verse. Cus it fit me. I was so mad. I still am sometimes. Like, a lot of yall reading now didn't know me before. Actually, I don't think any of you knew me before because I stopped fucking with just about anybody I'd been fucking with at the time. Summer 2007 changed my life so deeply, I really did used to be so sweet and now like, I can't connect with people like that anymore. Either I don't talk to you at all, cus I'm too scared, or I treat you like shit, cus I'm scared. Very few people even know anything about me anymore. Like yeah, I tell you shit, but you don't know me. Makes me sad, actually.

4) Me && Sam in action - OH MY FUCKING GOD! Sammy, you remember this one? So at first, I was mad, but then mom made me happy again, talkin shit about Earnest on accident. oh my gosh. I almost didn't link this one cus all the smileys && everything got taken off tinypic so it looks mad ghetto but who cares. Ahh, this post makes me happy.

5) The Fremont Bridge Blog - Can I just say that to this day this is one of my favorite blogs ever? Like, every time we drive over the Fremont Bridge, I look at mom like, "&& if you just woulda let us stay && watch bad boys two that one time..." You should read this one, I want everybody to know this fucking story, lmao.

6) Bruce's Blog - Lawwd. Lmao, && I had to spell it that way cus thats exactly the way I said it. If you have ever heard me mention Bruce Wright, or just wanna be nosy about the intense emotional three year long ass roller coaster I went on with this nigga, go ahead && read that one. Jesus.

7) Uhm - I read this blog a couple days ago && it hit me that the worst thing thats ever happened to me, doesn't even really bother me too much anymore. Like yeah, it still majorly affects shit I do, but it doesn't break me like it used to everytime I thought about it. I can be reminded of it now and still go on with my day. How weird is that? I don't know.

8) Post It Notes - Ace da Vinci's favorite poem I've ever wrote. How fucking cool is that?

9) 100 - This was my 100th blog. Figured I'd throw it in there.

10) Whisperings of Hip Hop - Who remembers this? Go read it. No, seriously. This ranks number 2.75 of my list of favorite articles I've ever written. I love this. I got an A on it, did I ever tell yall that? Anyway. This definitely needed to be on my list of favorites.

11) Entanglement - Still one of the dopest concepts I've ever come upon in my eighteen years of life.

12) Milkshakes - A) this was the beginning of Eden, which makes it noteworthy, but that's not why it's on the list. It's on the list because of that conversation with Maxie about milkshakes. That makes me laugh every time I think about it.

13) 200 - This was my 200th blog, which was infinitely more pointless than my 100th blog, but still, I felt the need to put it up.

14) I ramble - Don't read this. Honestly. Even the blog says don't read it. It's long as hell and just...awful. Really. However, that was the best blog layout I ever fucking had. I was silly for ever changing. It was the green/blue/purple eye. The one that I can never find anywhere anymore cus if I could I'd run back to that layout. Man, that was sexy.

15) The Main Three - I like this blog because it made me take the time out to see whats really important to me. =] Its something everybody should do.

16) Brand New pt 1 && pt 2 - I wrote these as a little series when I broke up with Bruce for the last time. Lmfao @ for the last time. You'd be shocked if you realized how much we actually break up. Real talk but uhm, I personally think they're well written. They captured the moment & stuff.

17) Pregnancy - This blog is real as hell okay? Thats all I can even say about it. I'm proud of this blog. lmao, I'm proud I could take my head out of my ass long enough to write some shit that would change something for somebody, and this one did. I know, cus they told me.

18) The most recent - Anybody reading the blog now probably read temperament. It's weird how quickly blog readers change. Like, do Sam & Daniel still read this? Kris? Shani? Ace? The world may never know. It's okay though.

So......thats it. My favorite blogs over the past year && however many months. Its okay if you didn't read everything. This took me damn near two hours to put together && shit so I'd completely understand if you fell asleep on it. Currently I'm sick as hell, but I'm about to go watch Madagascar 2 with my brother while eating Saltine Crackers to calm my stomach. && maybe talk to some people.

Hope you're having wonderful nights && stuff.

-A.

300

2009-02-03T23:43:00.000-08:00

OK, so this is my 300th blog post. I wanted to make it special or whatever, but I honestly don't have the energy to put anything special together. I was going to put it off until I had enough energy to do something special , but who the hell does that, really? Wanna know something else? February 8th will be my two year anniversary of blogging. So I should really do something special, but I can't find it in me to change the layout to something pretty. And a day when I don't feel like changing my blog layout? Well, as you know, that's a weird day for me. Maybe Sunday I'll do a special anniversary blog. Probably not, but its a possibility I guess.

I lost my voice. My throats been sore for a couple days, I thought it was just allergies. I've been drinking tea && resting and stuff. This happens about once a year usually, the sore throat anyway. Except usually it happens in fall. So I was kinda thrown off when it popped up in February, like uhm...buddy, you've got the wrong season. But I wrote it off, allergies. Then this morning, I woke up, && I couldn't talk. Like at all. I figured it was just because, you know, it was early and stuff. But then, as the day went on, I realized it wasn't getting better. Fuck out of here, yo. What do you mean I can't talk? I discovered that if I spent ten minutes clearing my throat && coughing && shit before I tried to speak, I could manage to just sound sick, instead of nonexistent, so I've been doing that all day. This fucking sucks.

AND THEN, man, okay, no, cus this what really upset me. I'm in the shower, and I go to sing along with my music playing, && it was okay, && then I got to this high note, & my voice completely went out. At least I thought it did. Then I hear this extra high pitched, like dog whistle, stupid high keening noise. I'm thinking its the shower head, or the pipes, or some piece of hidden machinery in the bathroom. Then I stopped singing to investigate, and the sound stopped. IT WAS ME YALL!!! I almost broke down crying in the shower. Not being able to talk, well, thats whatever. But not being able to sing?? Its like missing an appendage. Its hella awkward.

Mkay, sweetheart is sleep now, so I'm going too. I'm wayyyyyyyyy too attached to this individual. And worse, he knows that. Ugh.

-A.

Edit: He's not sleep. So I guess I'll just talk to him till he is.

I guess.

2009-02-02T18:28:00.000-08:00

Hey world. I hurt. Like a lot. There's obviously something very wrong with me. I'll give you three guesses as to what it might be. I've been asleep for about 70% of the day. Number one way to tell if there's something wrong with me? Watch how much I sleep. Normally I can live off four or five hours && be fine. If I'm sick I need somewhere between twelve and sixteen. It's ridiculous. I couldn't even watch the baby. Elmo had to stay home from school. I feel like a failure. This is all I have to do now, just watch the damn baby for twelve hours, && then I'm done, && I couldn't even do that. Even after all the pain pills (and I do mean all: one vicodin, one valium, four ibuprofen) my legs were still cramping so bad I couldn't move. That's not even to get started on my stomach, or my back. Goddaddy's like, "why haven't you gone to the doctor?" Uhm...because nobody can take me, and the doctor happens to be in the middle of fucking nowhere, that's why. Plus, all the doctor can do is give me prescription pain pills, which I take anyway, no luck there. But whatever. That isn't what this blog was supposed to be about.

This blog was supposed to be about stupid ass Arvon Barker. But I don't even wanna talk about him anymore, cus he upset me. Oh look, he just texted me. Smh.

I don't feel like blogging anymore. My fingers are tired. I think I'm going to go back to sleep. Seriously, how pathetic is that?

-A.

Late at night when all the world is sleeping.

2009-02-01T00:12:00.000-08:00

Did you know I fall asleep at night with a smile on my face, because I think about you?

Anyways, the fucking superbowls tomorrow!! =] Steelers, It's gonna be the Steelers. Fuck what you think, listen to what I say. Steelers. Now that we've got that out the way.

Man y'all remember like last year when I used to go to my TT's house after church on Sundays && fuck with arvon? Lol tomorrow we're going over there for a superbowl party, && its gonna be my first time seeing him since then. I honestly haven't seen Arvon in almost a year. I used to be so gone off that boy. Maybe if he wasn't so damn sexy...

Moving on.

Bruce called me tonight, he needed me to revise a paper he wrote or something. I was in the middle of something, seriously, like I wasn't even just blowing him off, so I told him to call me back in half an hour. He didn't, so I guess it wasn't that important. Hope he doesn't call me tomorrow cus I'm hella not answering the phone.

Speaking of revising papers, today, my best friend sent off her last college app. Spelman. If she gets in anywhere, I'm going to feel a personal sense of accomplishment. And no, not that "my friend got into college" sense of pride. Real, deep, personal accomplishment. Why? 'Cause I wrote every single one of her personal statements, && every last scholarship essay. University is going to be a breeze after dealing with this bitch. I always find it amazing how many people I've gotten through high school and into college, but it took me four and a half years to get out of high school my damn self. Backwards, maybe? Possibly? I think so, yeah.

So my friend Kenston, from work, he was talking to me today about how he's never had real fried chicken, && he was wondering how it was different from like Kentucky Fried Chicken. I don't know what came over me, but I couldn't have it. I called my mom, && told her to get him a chicken dinner from the church, cus we're doing a fundraiser. So I brought it back up to the theater after I got off work, && left it in the fridge for him. He sent me a text awhile ago like Kentucky ain't even in the same range as that. I tried to tell him. lmao, KFC forreal? Come on now.

Work fucking sucked. I think I'm coming down with something. I'm so sleepy all the damn time. Like I can't keep a though for more than a few minutes, which makes it really hard to work. But whatever. I'm done talking. My fingers are tired && shit.

-A.

Temperament

2009-01-30T23:48:00.000-08:00

A while ago, like months, I was talking to Ace da Vinci about my blog. He told me he reads it sometimes. I was like, oh really? && He's like yeah, but I don't comment. & I said something like I didn't write things that were very commentable, && he told me that he didn't comment because he didn't want my temperament to change. He said I blogged differently than a lot of the bloggers that get a lot of attention, because I blogged under the assumption that no one was reading. He said I'd blog differently if I knew I had readers.

I understood at the time, I mean, it made sense, but I didn't think that was really going to happen to me. I mean, why would I change the way I blog? But I did, did you notice? This blog used to be...I mean, I don't know. I spend a lot of time trying to sound mature now, because people with huge ass vocabularies are reading this. I guess I'm trying to prove my intelligence to my audience or some shit like that. It's bothering me. As usual, Mr. da Vinci was right, cus I really did start blogging differently.

A part of my brain says it's not that I'm blogging differently because I'm trying to impress readers, it says I'm blogging differently because I'm trying to come into my own, to be the intelligent woman that I am. Everything I do should reflect that intelligence, right? I think that's true actually, I really do. I am an intelligent woman, and I shouldn't use the fact that this is my blog to talk like a damn idiot just because I know I can. I'm so out of the habit now, I couldn't go back to the way I used to type if I tried lmao. I'd feel like a hick. But a lot of it is exactly what Ace said it was. I figured out I have a [very small] following, and my temperament changed. And that makes me so unbelievably sad.

I don't think I can go back to the way things were, and I know no ones going to go through the damn near three hundred blogs I've posted to see what I was like before. Which makes me sad again, because I remember when I wrote this blog for me, and when my only wish for people reading it was so that people could get to know me, the me I don't show very often, the softer, more vulnerable, hella stupider, easily amused side of me that found something to laugh at every day. And now you won't see that. I don't feel like anybody sees that anymore. They just see this reserved girl who's got a good head on her shoulders. You don't see that I'm scared, and I'm lonely, and I cry a lot, and I wish I could trust somebody enough to tell them why I cry, but I can't, because none of you know more than half of me. How sad is that?

I spend a lot of time trying to reconcile these two very different people running around in my head, but neither of them play nice. I know I sound hella crazy when I say it that way, but it's the only way I know how to describe it. Like to people that don't know me well, I come off as really shy, and quiet. But I'm not. At all. I'm loud, and stupid, and funny, and if it gets quiet, I'll fill those empty spaces. I'll talk for days. But a lot of times, if I don't know you well, I won't show you that, because I think you'll think less of me, and not talk to me anymore. I'm like twelve years old in this part of my head, and even though, listening to what I'm typing right now, I know I'm being impossible, I can't shake it. I just want people to think the best of me. I always have.

I was going through old blogs today, a lot of them actually, and I stumbled upon one, that normally I would link you to but I won't right now because I don't really want your pity. But I read it, and before...I would've cried, so much. But when I read it, it was just like a little twinge in my heart, and then I kept going. I have changed, a lot. I have grown, a lot. But I'm still working. I'm not done, I don't know if I ever will be.

But I think the change in my temperament is why I haven't been blogging as much anymore. I used to look forward to it, I used to want to tell funny stories, to make my friends laugh. It used to be like performing on stage. Now its like an animal in a zoo. It hurts, man. But anyway. I think I'll try to blog more. Slow, steady, until the reason I started doing this makes sense to me again, because I'm sure it will.

Sorry this was so long and sad sounding. They'll get better from here, kay? =]

-A.

Who Knows?

2009-01-29T12:50:00.000-08:00

I was feeling the need to blog, even though I don't have much to say. My godfather pissed me off the other day. He always tells this story, about how one summer, he wrote this book about everything he believed in and everything he wanted to be, and then at the end of the summer, he burned the book, because he realized the person he was at the beginning of the summer wasn't who he was anymore, and he wanted to move on. He calls that the best summer of his life, because he discovered who he really was.

Then he tells me that he's always though I was so sure of myself and who I was, and he wonders if I've ever taken the time to analyze who I am, and what I want in life. And I tell him I do it all the time. He doesn't believe me.

And then he tells me that my blog is an idiotic waste of time.

Yeah, that's what I said.

In other news, I'm hella quoting Transformers line for line right now, and wishing I had some Olive Garden breadsticks. That would make life borderline perfect right now.

I lost my O key last night. That bring the grand total to: A, D, E, R, && O. My S && I are wobbly too now. Ol dude that was supposed to replace my shit for me hasn't come through. This is a problem that needs to be fixed. I type all extra slow now. It's ridiculous. My family teases me about how slow I type. Seriously? You try to type with half your vital consonants and vowels missing, living in fear if you hit enter too hard that shits gonna snap off, then come see about me. Assholes.

The baby is on the floor right now. He's so sleepy he doesn't know what to do, so very now and then he just hits the ground, and lays there for a minute. Then he gets back up, its cute. I wish he'd just let me put him down for a nap, but nooooo, he's gotta be difficult.

Tomorrow's my day off, whoo! I don't know what I'm going to do with it. I'll probably just sleep all day, and then stay up all night. Sounds great, right? Yeah.

I think I'm done rambling now. I'm still not sure if I want to come back to blogging. Like, I don't know. You know how things run their course? I think this may have. Whatever. I'm out.

-A.

Update.

2009-01-26T19:37:00.000-08:00

I don't know if I'm going to be back to blogging regularly && shit, but there's a lot going on right now and I kind of wanted to inform you.

A) I graduated from high school finally. Like I'm actually and officially done. It makes me happy. I don't know. I half feel like a failure because I was supposed to graduate with class of 08, but then at the same time it doesn't because I skipped the seventh grade, so fuck ever.

B) I've decided to get my certificate to be a paralegal when I go back to school in April. My godfather's pissed about that. He wants me to live the dream. Do what I've got to do at PCC, then go to university, discover the world, and be broke while I'm doing that. I'm trying to explain to him that we have the exact same plan. I'm going to finish my GE and get my certificate from PCC, and then I'll go to university and live the dream, I'll just have a job that pays better. He thinks I'll get so caught up in working, I won't go back to school. It's a viable fear. He got mad at me when I told him that I'd made my decision and nothing he could do would change it. He thinks I'm going to end up like mom.

C) Speaking of my mom, she got a job! She started today. Twenty an hour, forty hrs a week. I'm happy for her. It's a good job. Her boss is a good dude. I hope this works out for her.

D) I'm pretty sure I let you guys know of the situation, but my mom had been watching goddaddy and aunty isha's baby (aka munchka) and in return they were paying our rent while mom was out of work (That way they could spend the money they'd budgeted on day care on the rent). Mom didn't start work till this week, so she's not going to be able to pay the feb rent by herself, but goddaddy can't afford to pay it because he's going to have to put munchka in daycare because moms at work? Solution? I cut my availability at my job, so now I only work weekends. Now I can watch munchka while moms at work so the rent can still be paid. Resulting problem? Now I'm broke, cus I'm not working. Uncool. But whatever, family first and all that other shit.

E) Since I read the Twilight series, I've been writing a lot. Little stories from the Twilight Universe. It's dorky, I know, but I'm completely caught up in it. I haven't written like this in a really long time, so I guess it's good. If you're addicted to all things twilight like I am (yeah Shani, I'm talking to you) hit me up && I'll let you read some of the stories maybe.

F) I'm back to crushing on niggas I shouldn't. Except for, in the past, I'd let my mind wander off without me, start imagining a nigga leaving his girl for little ol me. I'm passed all that. I wouldn't want a man that would leave a happy home for me, cus whats going to stop the next bitch from doing the same thing? It lessens their credibility, which makes me want them less, so then I can pull myself from the unrequited wanting stage. This is different from that, cus I know he won't leave anybody for me, he actually isn't with anybody right now, but it's still all wrong and I shouldn't want it like I do, so I'm going to stop. Remind me that I said that.

G) Ace da Vinci's productional prowess never ceases to amaze me. [go look] So seriously, it doesn't even make any sense. My favorite? Open Book, hands down. Even though he just told me it was old, and said "ew" a lot. Fuck that nigga. Didn't nobody ask him what he thought. :-J

H) I just deleted a cool 234 words. Jay Adams, when you read this, get in touch with me. I would just get at you, but I need your full attention, and only you know when I'll be able to get that. So yeah, I've got a bone to pick with you && shit... =/

-A.

I'm hoping this is obvious

2009-01-14T23:54:00.000-08:00

I'm taking a break. No, I'm not going to sneak off and start a new blog. I've learned from that mistake. If I feel like blogging again, I'll come back. Right now, however, I just...don't. I don't at all feel about talking about the minute details in my life. And if I do have some ephiphany, I'd rather act on it in my life than reflect on it here. So, until said time comes that I feel the need to do so again, this will be my last blog. That's not to say I won't be checking yours, because I will. Uhm...the end?

-A.

Neglect.

2009-01-07T00:03:00.001-08:00

I haven't been in this blog like I used to be. The layout isn't even satisfying me. The colors just don't pop like I want. I might have to change them.

I don't want to talk about 2008. Its over, lets keep it moving. I don't want to talk about my plans for 2009. Watch and know you're learning something, don't listen and think you know. I don't want to talk, I don't want to think, I don't want to plan. If you've learned nothing of me in the time you've been reading this blog, you'll know that talking, thinking, and planning are the things I'm best at in the world. I mean, what's the point of having a blog if you don't like to talk, think, or plan?

Which, I guess, is why I've been neglecting this blog. I don't want to reflect on my past, or gush out my hopes of the future. Honestly? I've been doing that every year for eighteen years now, and I don't want to. I just want to be. I just want to go to sleep, and wake up, and breathe my way through the day. I want to make plans last minute, and then break them if I decide I feel like doing something else. I don't want to be the me I've been for the past eighteen years. That me never does anything, because she's too busy planning to do it. Well okay, not the last eighteen, because since Summer 07 I've made some major leaps and bounds, and I've been more pleased with myself than I ever thought I could be. Let me break it down for you.

My name is Ashley Reina-Pearl Bennett. I've always hated that my name was Ashley, there were so many, they were all the same. I hated when someone with my name was in a class with me, was in a room with me, because I knew I wasn't like them. No offense to Ashleys, there's nothing wrong with the name. But, I think you should have a name that suits you. Ashleys are common. They're normal. There's nothing wrong with being common and normal. But there is something wrong with being called common and normal when you're not, and every fiber of your being screams that you're not, and every time somebody calls your name and you turn just to find they aren't talking to you, you feel like you lose a little bit of yourself.

Reina's been my alter ego since I was ten. 5th grade. She got me through for a while. I went through some things, when I was younger, if you don't know, you don't need to. And letting Reina, letting that part of me, take over was the only way I could breathe for a long time. Cus Reina didn't give a shit about your feelings, Reina looked out for us. Just us. Not mom, she'd let us down. Not Ree, she's the reason we were in this mess. Not Jon, because Jon belonged to him and she sure as hell didn't give a shit about him. Reina was mean. Reina was fast. Reina punched dudes in the face when they talked shit. Reina made bitches cry when they got in her way. Reina got me suspended from school six times. They didn't expel me because I tested well and they needed good test takers in the district. And I guarantee you, thats the only reason. Time passed, and I knew I shouldn't be angry anymore, that I should be healed, but Reina was still so mad. And I saw that it was hurting my family, and I saw what they wanted me to do, so I did that, I did what they wanted me to do. I became what they needed, not what I needed. I let them have Ashley, and put Reina under wraps, and she's been mad ever since.

Because I didn't look out for us like Reina would've. I looked out for everybody else. I did what everybody wanted me to do, and never did what I wanted to do, and never stood up for what I wanted, just bended to what everyone else thought was okay. And I spent countless hours on myspace, trying to perfect the image they'd see when they stepped on my page, knowing that I should've been studying, working, so that it wouldn't be an image they saw, it would be me, and that would be enough. Reina was pissed when I let somebody come back into my life and hurt me like that again. Cus thats what it felt like, in summer 07, it felt like somebody had come in and taken the most precious thing I had, all over again, and Reina couldn't let that happen twice.

I'm trying to work on it, trying to work on finding a balance. I don't know whether to be fake and respectful or real and rude as hell. I tried fake and respectful for a long time, so I guess I'll try real and rude as hell for a while now, and see where that takes me.

And even though I'm trying not to let her take control entirely, she's gonna have a major say in how 2009 rolls out. I've neglected her for too long, and now she's back, and pissed the hell off, so, I'll just be dealing with that. And honestly, if it comes down to me choosing between neglecting this blog or neglecting her (which I'm almost sure it will) I'll let the blog sit here, unused for a while, with a layout thats not even bomb like I want it to be. Because she's me. And I've gotta look out for me, right?

-A.

Ps. (yeah, I'm fully aware that sounded more than a little bit crazy, and you're definitely within your rights to revoke your friendship card now. If you can't handle it, I don't need you)

Erm.....

2009-01-05T01:11:00.000-08:00

Okay, Lets talk about new years eve. Ol girl I was supposed to go clubbing with? Text me Wednesday morning and said she was broke and that she "didn't wanna go tonight anyway cus it was New Years Eve so it would be hella crowded." Silly me for thinking that was kinda the point. So anyway. I was at work Wednesday afternoon/evening, but I was pissed cus I didn't wanna spend my first legal New Years Eve sitting at the house watching Fly Me to the Moon with my little brother and my mom like we do every fucking year. That shit was most definitely irking me. So I started sending texts out, && guess who came through? That's right, my good ol bottom bitch Monica. Love that kid. I called my mom to tell her I was going out && that it would make more sense if I just stayed the night. SHe said that was fine && she'd see me later. I'm thinking damn, this eighteen thing is not a joke, she's never said no shit like that before. I was kinda pumped about it.

I got off work at 9, they were in the parking lot waiting. They took me home to change, we hit the party at ten. It was mad lame, white people and their fucking music, yo. It was monstrous. This girl got like a 20oz coke bottle full of gin && shit like that was gonna last anybody. Everybody just kinda stared at her. Shit was boring so me && Monica started talking shit to liven it up. By the time we left everybody was laughing and having a good old fashioned time, but that didn't make it any less of a lame ass party.

So Monica's mom picks us up, && we went to Taco Bell cus they were like the only place open, we got our little food, && then they swung by the condos they're gonna move into cus they're down the street from my job && shit. Okay. I text my mom on some extra late happy new year type stuff. She asks me when I'm coming home, I'm like tomorrow, before the baby's party. SHe freaks out && calls me. I'm like huh? Apparently there was a misunderstanding, she thought i'd be coming home late/early, not that I wouldn't be coming home at all. I was trying to calm her down, like okay mom, its cool. I'll come home. I was about to tell Ms. Cynthia, Monica's mom, that I needed to go home, when my mother proceeded to get a lil attitude with me, talkin bout some damn "No, there's no way for you to get home now, the buses aren't running and I'm not coming to get you from anywhere so whatever Ashley do what you want I"ll see you in the morning." And she hung up on me! Pshhhhh okay! So we went back to Monica's where I changed into my PJS. It was warm in the house so I was just wearing some shorts && a tank. We were sitting in front of the couch drinking smirnoff ices, when Amanda, MOnica's sister called. She was hella drunk, && needed us to go get her. All good. I didn't feel like putting my clothes back on so I grabbed a blanket && some house slippers && we were gone.

Manda was stoooopid drunk. Like...she tried to open the door while the car was still moving drunk. Like talking in all caps drunk. "MAMA I WASN'T TRYNA GET OUT I JUS WANTED TO SEEE WHAT'D HAPPPENNNNNN!!!" She was sooooo funny. SHe rolled the window down && was tryna flirt with the cops....across the street. Loud ass. && She spent the whole ride complainin about how somebody spilled red wine all over her hoodie and there was NO WINE anywhere on her. lol then she was hungry, so we pulled into Shari's (its like Denny's but the foods not as good. BUt its 24 hrs) across the street from Monica's house. I had to pee so me, Monica & Manda went in && Ms. Cynthia stayed out front with the car. Now, I'm ghetto as hell so I took my blanket with me into the establishment, and we were pretty much acting a fool coming out of the bathroom and there, sitting in that awkward ass booth directly across from the women's bathroom door, was Pablo. Do y'all remember Pablo? I switch dudes so fast I wouldn't be surprised if you didn't. Just know, he was once one of my dudes. I thought he was in arkansas. I mean, not that I'd have expected to see him in Shari's across the street from MOnica's either way but....wow.

Lucky for me, I was drunk enough to not be embarrassed, but not drunk enough to be embarrassing. I said hi, smiled, we made small talk for a minute, && then I took my ass back to the car while MOnica && MAnda ordered the food. He then starts texting me, while he's talking to Monica (Me && Ms. Cynthia can see him through the window, we're talking about how cute he is) and then MOnica starts texting me telling me that he's asking about me. Okay? And THEN! Manda drunk ass comes out of nowhere looking evil "WHO ARE YOUUUUUUUUUU??? NO NO NO YOU NEEDA MOVE UP OF MY SISTER THOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" He laughs it off, she's drunk. That was awkward enough to last the night, so we get back in the car, he knocks on the window and tells me goodnight or whatever. Okay. Fuck outta here.

(Keep in mind this nigga just came from church, so he's all suited, and I'm in my pjs and a damn Dallas Cowboys blanket, I was heated)

Manda gets in the car and all the sudden starts giggling uncontrollably. "ASHLEY!!!! HE IS CUTEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! YOU SHOULDA TOLD ME ABOUT HIM. HE'S SEXY. I NEED ME ONE OF THOSE!" We're like, Manda you && Kenny have been together for four years. She's like "YEAH, YEAH, BUT I NEED ME ONE OF THOSEEEEEEEEEEEE"

And that was the end of the night. Nothing at all interesting has happened since then. MY eyes are hella struggling with this whole staying open thing. I'm going to take my leave now children. School's back tomorrow. Son of a bitch. AND! Effectively adding insult to injury, its STILL motherfucking snowing. Not the business in any way shape or form.

Okay but I'm leaving forreal.

Happy New Year
-A.

Woah, Recap Anyone?

2008-12-29T14:33:00.000-08:00

I'm trippin' yall, seriously. I haven't even been thinking about this blog. I went on Jay's to comment && complained that he hadn't blogged since the 22nd. That was yesterday. It got me to thinking, I I haven't blogged since the 22nd. And I actually had things to talk about! Weird right? I changed the layouts on both my myspace and here, kept it simple. Yes, thats classical you're hearing. Soothing. Close your eyes, count to ten, then come back. I like the atmosphere in my blog to be good, ya know?

Where to begin, where to begin? Uhm...my birthday? Okay. It started at midnight. I got a new iHome (my favorite color) to go with the iPod I asked for but they hadn't given me yet. Then they tried to freak out and pretend like they didn't get me the iPod at all. Okay. And I got the most beautiful strand of freshwater cultured pearls. And a twenty five dollar iTunes card (but they wanted me to believe they hadn't gotten me the iPod). I didn't sleep the night of my birthday, just kind of chilled. When the sun was up, Me and my mom trekked through the snow to get to Ruby Tuesdays (of, "She said she want diamonds, I took her to..." fame). We usually go to IHOP but, completely snowed in. It was freezing but we got there, talked about this year and what we liked and disliked about it, started throwing out game plans for next year. All in all, it was a cool 18th. Nothing groundbreaking. Me and my friend NIcole vowed to go clubbing for New Years, so I have to go shopping, seeing as I have absolutely nothing to wear. The list of people who said happy birthday was staggering. Almost as staggering as the list of people who didn't. Oh well, new year. Tides turning and stuff.

Next came Christmas. I got the iPod. I didn't doubt them for a moment. I got some other cutesy jewelry and Godfather wrote me a check for fifty bucks. Aww, how cute. I didn't get the infamous graduation money. Nana, in her new dementia, decided I wasn't worthy. Its okay though. I've still got a couple last minute presents on the way from Indiana. A very good friend of mine is buying me a new Coach (Coach is my addiction, this will be my 5th. Well, 6th but I gave one away, plus I wear the perfume) plus he's giving me the money to repair my keyboard. Woot? Woot.

Christmas was cool because it was the baby's first so we went all out. It was good, really.

On Saturday, the snow was finally melted enough for me to go back to work. I was so freaking happy to see everybody! I discovered that Chase (y'all remember him, right?) and my good friend Keely are together now, which I think is absolutely fucking adorable. It was cool just being there again. I missed it. My check was terrible, but its all good.

Uhm....I work again tomorrow, and wednesday, and Thursday, which is going to be interesting since I'm going clubbing wednesday night and working Thursday morning. Whoo. Only time will tell. Mom's probably gonna say no, but I'm going to flex that new 18 year oldness on her and see how it goes.

I've also very recently become involved with the Jay Adams project, which has become my pet. I'll give you guys the link to it in case anybody wants to get involved. I'm really excited about that. From what I've gathered from the few people that are actually working on it, its going to be a big deal. I can't wait to really dive in and start making it happen. I live for stuff like this, so its going to be really fun for me.

There also might be a new guy in the picture. You all know I normally move to fast and get stupid and crazy, so I'm not going to push it. I'm just going to tell you that I'm thinking about it.

And, because of the lack of graduation money caused by Nana's new dementia, moving has been postponed indefinitely. The economy's bad enough as it is, without me running off to one of the most expensive cities in the country with no money. No car, no new phone. Thank God Dre's giving me the money for the keyboard or I'd be fucked.

However, its still the season to be jolly. I realize I've made a lot of changes this year, but we'll talk about that more on New Years. This one's getting kind of long.

I hope you guys had wonderful Christmases, and that your New Years are the beginnings of bright new futures for you.

To find out more about the Jay Adams Project, please click [here] and get in touch with him. Its going to be a blast, and exceptionally rewarding for everyone involved, so if you're interested, do get in touch.

This has been a long one, I missed yall. Tell me how your christmases were && such.

-A.

And by the way I adore you.....in frightening, dangerous ways....

2008-12-22T07:41:00.000-08:00

One day, I'm going to say that to somebody. Like you have no idea. Cute celebrity quote?

"I don't really care if people say I'm a bad actor, I can like work on that, but if they just say that he's ugly that's just like "oh.. really?" -I'm not telling you.

You'd have to see the look on his face when he said really though. It was priceless. Celebrity interviews are full of little treasures like that.

My next youtube video (yeah, I know I haven't done one in a while) will be I Would Rather Go Blind. The Etta James version, but I doubt I'll get through it without letting some of the Beyonce slip through. And I'm pretty sure I'm gonna cry. It'll be perfect.

This whole blog is just mindless babble because its almost 8 in the morning and I haven't slept. I'm so awake that I've cleaned my room, and read the entire Twilight saga. And I'm still just sitting here. Its impossible.

Did I tell you guys I imported all the blogs from the original literary-romance over to this blog? They're all here now. You can click older posts till your little fingers fall off. I used to be a hell of a follower. You can see it in the way I typed. If you don't believe me, seriously, go look.

I typed liike thiis. I hate bitches that type like that. Honestly, and I always have. I just did it cus everyone else did. You know what I hate now? Random misplaced capitalization. sHit LiKe ThiS. For what? Man, people are so fucking slow. Lol.

My twin is upsetting me. She thinks that I'm going to get back with Bruce because we're speaking again. I still haven't told him I plan to move. I'm pretty sure he knows though. His new plan seems to be involving a whole hell of a lot of El Camino. Whatever. Que Sera && things of the nature. But like I was saying about twin, she thinks he's going to turn his life around and all the sudden be worthy. I was like, I might get back with him then. && Then she was like no, I think you're going to get back with him sooner than that. I think you're just going to wait for him to get it right. Why in good God's name would I do some shit like that?......again? I mean yeah, if he gets it together, and still wants me after he does, Bruce may have a shot. But why would I get with him before that? YOu know Einstein's definition of insanity right?

Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over, yet expecting different results

I'm a little crazy, but I'm not insane. When something changes, Bruce and I can talk, till then, we can't, and fuck anybody assuming that I don't have enough respect for myself to know that he's not good for me. Cause thats exactly what you're saying when you tell me that you think I'm going to put myself in a relationship, knowing its against my better interests. Thats insulting. Your intentions don't matter. Still insulting.

Now that I'm done with that rant. Today is December 22, technically. I mean, the sun is up, so I guess it is officially. Weird I've been up all night doing nothing. My birthday is in two days. Go to american greetings and get me a sick ass ECard. Something interactive. Those make me giggle.

I'm going to put the tagboard section back on this blog (yuck) and use it as a promotions area. Jay Adams, Ace da Vinci, Socialvibe, Artists I'm into, Music I'm into, graphic designers I'm following. You get the drift. I think it could be put to good use if done properly. I'll do that when I wake up though, cus the little white blogger box is making me hella sleepy.

"Tell me that you love me, and everything will be alright. Are you thinking of me? Then come with me tonight. You know I need you, just like you need me. Can't stop. Won't stop. I must be dreaming. Can't stop. Won't stop. I must be dreaming."

-A.

Well Apparently I Walk Like A Mother Fucking Boss

2008-12-16T23:38:00.000-08:00

Ugh. I'm really upset right now and I cannot for the life of me put my finger on why. Like this shit is just irkin me, honestly. I was talking to my sweetie pie Nicole, and as usual, we ended up in a sexual conversation. Well, okay, to be fair, we started in a sexual conversation, so there was no "ending up" but yea. && it hit me like, I'm a freak. I mean, not like I didn't know that but, I started to think like if other people could see it too, or if I was just doing such a great acting job.

So I ask my best friend like hey, do random people on the street think I'm a freak? Like can they tell? No I was expecting her to say something sensical like "Ashley, I don't know" but instead she says yea. She's like people at CATCH (thats the school we went to together) used to call you a freak all the time, they said it was cus of the way you walked.

Excuse Me?

Now, it hit me as soon as she said it that the shit waas probably true, cus people have been saying it my entire life. Niggas have dated me simply because of the way I've walked through the mall. Females have started fights with me simply because of the way I walked pass they ass in the lunch line. I'm talking since forever. Females have been mad at it since about fifth grade. Niggas didn't start trippin till 7/8th. But I mean, it never occurred to me. Like I thought they were all just on crack. Until today.

Cus I'm asking people who've actually like met me in reality, && they're like, Ashley, you walk like you know you're the shit. For one thing, anybody who's read this blog for more than a month, knows that I know no such thing (that was convoluted, you get a cookie if you followed it). I've never thought I was better than anybody. Especially not in the looks department. Yea, I might've thought I was smarter than you, no lie, cus I usually am, but better? no. Just different. Gawsh. I've always walked fast, cus people used to pick on me for being smart all the time, && I had to move quick to get the fuck away from them. I took modeling classes when I was little. I can do the whole down stairs in six inch heels with an encyclopedia on my head thing, but thats just good posture. Fuck out of here? You're telling me modeling classes and being genuinely terrified that someone was going to stop and ask me to talk to them has turned into "walking like a freak"?

You have got to be fucking kidding me.

And I know, I promise that you will not be the first person to tell me that I shouldn't be letting this get to me, and that I'm overreacting, and that I need to calm down. People talk. People judge. People make hair brained ass decisions off zero evidence all the fucking time, so I shouldn't be upset.

But gotdamnit I am. How dare you? How dare anybody decide who I am, or what I do behind closed doors because I walk a little different from the average bitch? I guarantee you, I do everything a little different from the average bitch. I throw temper tantrums a little different than the average bitch. I'm so far from the average bitch once you see me you forget what an average bitch looks like.

So excuse me if I walk like a mother fucking boss.

Ugh.

PS: I took modeling classes because my mother made me. I have no interest in walking down a runway, ever. She thought it'd be good for my self esteem. RIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT. Cus being 8 and 4'11, watching 14 year old 5'8 real model looking bitches stroll around did WONDERS for my self image. I came out of there straight GLOWING. =|

and to add insult to injury...my D key just officially came off. I fucking hate yall. All of you, really.

-A.

Renesmee

2008-12-16T00:46:00.000-08:00

Honestly. The fact that she named that child Renesmee bothered me more than anything else the book had to offer. I was pissed when Jacob imprinted, but like the book said (approximately) you can't really be mad at that kind of love and adoration. I don't know. Like....I don't know. Lol, I feel like I've been separated from something. Its over. It happened different than I thought. I'm glad Bella finally got a talent. So now I'll be just another one of those angry fans when the movie comes out, nitpicking on everything they did wrong. However, I understand why they chose Kristen Stewart for Bella now. It always pissed me off before, that they made her look so damn normal. Google kristen stewart, especially the blonde kristen stewart. She's fucking gorgeous. However, vampire Bella....that'll be more Kristen Stewart. I'm done talking about that. Really I am.

In other news, today mom tried to burn down the house. See, we have a fireplace that we've never had any reason to use before, but we figured we'd give it a work out today. Well, apparently there's a switch, that you have to pull to open a hatch so that the smoke actually gets through the chimney or whatever, that my mom didn't know about it. So we're all chillin....looking at the fire...taking pictures of it like dorks....until we realize that the house is unnaturally filling with smoke. Then the smoke detectors go off, we've got to open all the windows and the back door ( its 12 fucking degrees outside, so you're aware) and hold fans below the smoke detectors so they'd calm the hell down. We've got to wait for the fire to go out naturally before we can open the hatch....so we're just chilling in our rooms, as far away from the fireplace as possible. Mom, being the glutton for punishment that she is, googled the amount of people that die from smoke inhalation yearly versus those that freeze to death, and now she's in her room, sulking and generally feeling like a bad mother. Which is pretty silly of her, because Jon and I pretty much watched our house fill with smoke and giggled maniacally, shouting "COOL!!!" Yea, we're loser, so what?

You ever notice I blog differently after reading a book? Reading makes me want to write. And my style of writing depends on the style of writing in the book. I've always been good at that, mimicking I guess. I'll stop now. Well, I'll stop talking about it anyway, I don't know if I'll stop doing it.

Did you know that under 20 is too cold for it to snow? Its 12 now, I think I said that before, which is too cold for snow. If anything falls from the sky, it'll be hail. But whatever. Fact of the matter is, we've got a snow day again tomorrow, but there will be no snow. Everything is just so ridiculously iced over that nobody's gonna drive. There are plants outside my window that havent' moved in two days, no lie. Coolest thing though? The plants don't die. They just thaw out and keep pushing. Gangster at its most base form.

We got a little miniature tree!! We decorated it && everything before we realized we were all gonna die from carbon monoxide poisoning. Wanna see? I call it our little monster. Let me see if I have a picture. [13 minutes later] the SD card on the Nikon and my computer are having an argument. I'll have to get you the pictuer of the monster later. It'll happen though.

I was very likely going to say something else, but I can't for the life of me remember what it was, so I'm pretty sure I'm going to shuttup now. Feelin pretty optimistic. Kind of daring. Thinking of changing my page around, was gonna wait till New Years (yes, I plan these things, its a sickness) but I'm not so much feelin the wait anymore, we'll see what happens. Thinking about what color scheme I'll run with for the blog after Christmas. Red and white does get very boring. Okay. I'm done.

"Mama say mama sa mama ku sa. Don't make sense but admit it, its kinda hot"
Charles Hamilton, you silly boy.

-A.

Strictly To Prevent Rambling In Shani's Comments.....

2008-12-14T01:25:00.000-08:00

Didn't do much today. We're expecting a snow storm tonight, I havent' looked outside to see if its snowing yet, I should. BRB. Nope, no snow yet. But there was supposed to be a big storm, and the clouds were looking pretty damned threatening, so I ran some errands just in case we get snowed in for the rest of the weekend (only in fucking Oregon.....). Anyway, I put the finishing touches on my birthday outfit (I bought theee most adorable red peacoat), and did some pricing on some other items that need to be paid for. 250 to replace my keyboard, joy. 340 for twins new frames. That'll be a pleasure though. I'd gladly waste a paycheck on that kid.

I also bought books two and three of the twilight series. I don't know why I bought two and three instead of three and four, or two, three, and four. Seeing as I've actually already read two, I didn't really need to actually pay for it. And seeing as I haven't read four, and (as is the case with most series') after I read three, I'd want to read four....well, I should've bought four. But I didn't. I only bought three. And so now, since it doesn't look like its going to snow, tomorrow I'm going to have to go spend twenty more dollars (hard back books are heartbreakingly expensive) to buy four because I feel like I'm not going to be able to sleep until I know how this madness end. Jake left. That hurt my heart. Only because, had I been Bella, I would've chosen Jake. Instantaneously. My only concern would've been the Cullens letting me go, seeing as I knew so much. But they would. Ehh. Whatever, I'll stop being a geek for a moment. Fact of the matter, I need to go buy the fourth.

Its a little after one thirty in the morning. I guess I could be tired, but not so much. I think I'm going to get started on these papers. I've got 16 of them do by Jan 22. Yea, you heard right. Sixteen four page papers due by Jan 22. Two papers per book, 8 books, or I don't graduate. Thats added to my classes, the extention I have to take in my science class (which is, ironically enough, to read another book, and write another paper), writing a stupid essay on the fact that I work a lot, and producing pay stubs to prove that I work a lot, and this weird career packet, which I assume will be talking about.....careers? Ehh, who knows. But I do need to start writing. I mean....Yea.

Its always seemed so weird to me that I can write a cool fifteen hundred word blog like its nothing. Just rambling. But not even rambling, like I can put together 800 well placed words on one topic in this blog. I can write a well written essay, with key points and good sentence structure, and adequate use of my vocabulary. And be writing about real issues, about relationships and psychology and family and music. But when that gotdamn word document opens....its like its teasing me. Its like its saying "Okay, but now it counts, so do something" and I never can. Everything comes out forced, even when its bomb, like the hip hop essay from a while back, its forced. There's always some nasty prerequisite I have to adhere to. Its disgusting. It makes my head hurt to be so focused lol. I like to let my brain scramble around and find the right word for what I'm feeling. Its more natural that way. I like to just keep typing until the words flow easily, and I'm not scrambling for them anymore, thats the best part, when the words start to come easily. Almost like the difference between thinking about the words to a song, and humming them. If that makes any sense.

This is why I always try to blog before I write anything formal. Its like a warm up, like now my fingers are used to flying across the keys and keeping up with my thoughts (even though my poor abused keyboard is having trouble) and I feel like I might be able to knock out a paper or two before the sun comes up. Wish me luck && stuff. Shani, check your email if you haven't already.

-A.

Who Has Time For Titles?

2008-12-12T21:45:00.000-08:00

So I'm listening to classical right? Cello, to be exact. I don't know. You know how people say music moves them, and stuff like that? I don't see how they can possibly mean it, and be talking about the stuff we shove in our ears these days. There's nothing emotional about the music. Even the emotional music is fake. Written without any real emotion, just by people who know what to say. By people who're paid to know what to say. And they tell us that they're torn, or that they remember when they're heart broke, or that its just another sad love song, but its not there. Its never there. Classical and gospel are the only to forms of music that've ever touched me really. Hip hop is a rhythm to live to, its the drum beat the my heart beats to, but classical is my aspiration. Its what keeps me pushing to be more. Its the reason my heart beats. And gospel....well, thats God at his purest. Thats God in place where words can't even get to. Have you ever been to a place where words can't even get to? Thats when everything else takes over. Thats where art starts, where music starts, where sights and sounds begin, in that place where words can't reach. Several of my favorite teachers have told me that language is the main thing seperating us from the animals, and that if we couldn't communicate verbally, we wouldn't be as sophisticated a race as we are. But if we couldn't communicate verbally, would we still be able to communicate like [this]? Because if we could, well I think we'd be okay being lumped in with the animals? Give me a word thats more sophisticated than the sound of that. Give me a phrase that moves you as much as that does. It doesn't exist. If a picture is worth a thousand words, than the three minutes and thirty one seconds of that song is a lifetime of conversation. I know I'm rambling and being really....artsy, but I can't hold it. Its so, like, even though I've sadi repeatedly that words can't touch it, I'm scrambling to find the right ones, so that I can capture it and hold it, and remember it. But music is meant to be lived, not captured, nor held. So I'll let that go.

I got paid today. The check wasn't enough to do everything I wanted done. That was bothering me earlier, but I guess I'll just have to make some sacrifices. You guys tell me, am I heartless? I could spend the money to get myself all dolled up for my birthday and take pictures with my mom, as was the plan, or I could spend the money on presents, and look bummy for my birthday and Christmas, as was definitely not the plan. A very large part of me is selfish. I'd only be buying presents for the kids, and the fuck do they need presents for? They got birthdays. My mother told me today that my birthday is going to be virtually non existent. The money just isn't there. They have to buy gifts for everyone, fair or not, because the day after is Christmas. So, either I give myself a good birthday, or I have another sucky one, but give everyone else a good Christmas.

Giving is better than receving. But my mother always told me that if you didn't keep something for yourself every now and again, you wouldn't have anything left to give. I'm getting there. I'm really starting to get there. But I'm going shopping tomorrow, and we'll see how it works out. I need to make my appointments first thing in the morning. Remind me. And let the chips fall where they may from there.

In other news, I just realized today, that two weeks before I leave, I have to put in my two weeks at Regal. If I'm actually leaving, because now they're saying they're going to let Nana stay at her house, which means I might not have anywhere to live again. Thats six weeks left at Regal. I mean, I havent' even informed most of them that I'm planning on leaving. I havent' even told Goddaddy and Aunty Isha that I'm planning on leaving. I didn't want it to turn into a big fuss, especially if it turned out I didn't have any place to stay, so I just ended up staying. However, putting in my two weeks at regal means it can't just be a last minute thing. By January 15, I HAVE to have a place to live, or I'm not leaving. My mother also hasn't filled out my FAFSA, stupid lazy individual. I'm mad at her, she gets attitudes to quickly and she needs to calm the hell down. But anyway, I need to get that taken care of too. Blergh. Whatever.

Shani! I read New Moon in a three hour time period spent in Barnes && Noble. Addicted? Possibly, but don't tell anybody. It made me very very sad to read that book. And I'm realizing I'm not as hungry for the third as I was for the second. But then....I'd read some spoilers on the second so I was anxious to see how it worked out. You know when Stephanie Meyers sent out the first copies of the books, you know to her exclusive readers or whatever, she made everybody read it twice. She said she knew everyone would be so distraught with Edward's leaving that they'd be not really paying attention to the story, just making sure he came back. Then, once they knew he came back, she asked them to read it the second time. Since I've read Twilight going on four times now (Okay yea, addicted might be the word), reading New Moon a second time wouldn't really be an issue.

Okay, shutting up now.

-A.

Refuge (Pretty Much Stolen From Jay....)

2008-12-10T23:22:00.000-08:00

1. Put Your iTunes on Shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. You must write down the name of the song no matter how silly it sounds!
4. Put any comments in brackets after the song name.
5. Tag at least 10 friends.
6. Anyone tagged has to do the same, because fun pointlessness spreads like a virus.

If someone says, “Are you okay?” you say?
- "The Good, The Bad, The Ugly" - Consequence ft. Kanye West
Lol, well thats pretty self explanatory. Am I okay? Depends on whether its the good, the bad, or the ugly.

How would you describe yourself?
- "Sex With My Ex" - Ne-Yo
Yeah, not trying to have sex with my exes anytime soon. So thats a miss.

What do you like in a guy/girl?
- "Cash Rulez" - Cassidy, Eve, && Bone Thugs
"I'ma tell you like a nigga told me...." Maybe cash should rule everything around him?

How do you feel today?
- "The Way That I Love You Remix" - Promise
"She won't though she's a beast, loco, she's like the old old stone cold Steve with the choke hold" Pretty much.

What is your life’s purpose?
- "Brainstorm" - Ace da Vinci
To be a better MC than AdV. lmfao

What is your motto?
- "Get Your Back Off The Wall" - Family Force 5
This song is my shit!! Though I've always pretty much kept my back on the wall....so its not really fitting as a motto.

What do your friends think of you?
- "Lovers in Japan" - Coldplay
"Just be patient && don't worry" I say that a lot.

What do you think of your parents?
- "To The Sky" - Robin Thicke
...."Will I be rich? Have everything I want? I stop myself, and look the sky"

What do you think about very often?
- "Speak to Me" - Mary Mary
Pretty Much. Whenever I don't know which way to go, which is often, I ask God to tell me.

What is 2 + 2?
- "S on my Chest" - Lil Wayne
I'm so upset this song is in my itunes. Leftover from Whitney. Who's favorite number was four, no fabrication.

What do you think of your best friend?
- "Just Be A Man About It" - Toni Braxton
LMFAO.....yeah.

What do you think of the person you like?
- "Sex For Your Stereo" - Trey Songz
No comment

What is your life story?
- "Make It Rain Remix" - Wayne & them
"Make moves like a young tycoon. Come through like a young typhoon. Category 3, don't be category'n me with these niggas like they get a better salary than me." lol idk

What do you want to be when you grow up?
- "Yesterday" - MaryMary
I want yo have decided that I cried my last tear yesterday.

What do you think of when you see the person you like?
- "Hey Mama" - Kanye West
LMFAO.......no incest:|

What will you dance to at your wedding?
- "Take You Home" - B.O.B. ft. Pretty Ricky
Downloaded a mixtape, never listened to this song......but....I guess I'd be taking him home...so...yea.

What will they play at your funeral?
- "Gone" - Kanye, COnsequence, && Cam'ron
LOL. well that one was easy.

What is your hobby/interest?
- "Barry Bonds" - Kanye && Lil Wayne
Baseball. :|

What is your biggest fear?
- "Hope" - Twista && Faith Evans
That I won't be able to take the music and use it, let it tame me away. Very real fear.

What is your biggest secret?
- "Ditch That...." - The Dream
LOL, the biggest secret I ever kept from him was how badly I wanted to ditch him. He took care of that for me though.

What do you think of your friends?
- "Sweet Love" - Anita Baker
With all my heart I love you baby, stay with me and you will see my arms will hold you baby, never leave, cus I believe in this love.

What will you post this as?
- "Refuge (When Its Cold Outside)" - John Legend
Cus Life is so burdensome when every days a rainy one. =]

-A.

If your brain were like a tootsie pop...

2008-12-09T21:00:00.000-08:00

Yea, I'd completely forgotten that I'd ended my last blog with that spam blog situation, you guys were probably like "OHSHITHERBLOGGOTDELETED!" nah, I'm still here. That whole thing got cleared up the same day I posted it. Me, a spam blog. Laughable. Ha ha ha.

Now that that's over. We might have an answer to my living situation in Los Angeles. You guys might think I'm being greedy and overly opportunistic (thats what my mom thinks), but hear me out. You remember my nana I was telling you about, like two posts ago? The one who fell and was in the hospital? Well she's still there. They're saying she had a mild stroke, which we figured, but she's had two MRI's && they were both radically different, so they're thinking she might've had an anyuerism [OMGSH 16 POINTS FOR ME SPELLING THAT WORD RIGHT THE FIRST TIME!], && she still doesn't have her memory all the way back. They're bringing her up here because she doesn't have enough family taking care of her in LA && everything. So....she'll be up here next week....and when I move down next month....her house....which is paid for.....is completely unoccupied. Perfect right?! Thats what I was thinking. Two bedrooms, one bath. Washer && Dryer in the unit. and, my favorite part: PAID FOR!?!?!? I'd have to pay utilities, and cable && internet && put food in it && buy soap && shit. Which would be a lot, understandable. Plus I'd have to pay my phone and my car insurance && put gas in my little piece of shit. Plus I'd wanna have some money on hand for social events && things of the nature, plus I'd wanna keep up my gym membership, plus my hair && nails && random shit like that. Which, yes, is a lot of money, but I could do it you guys. I promise I could. Gosh. Nobody'll give me a chance.

Anyway, my mother had herself a very bad day. She washed her camera. You think I'm a camera whore. Christie has problems. And today, she put her Canon Powershot in the washing machine, and now the screen won't work. Her SD card is good, she's just cameraless. Even with Christmas coming, nobody has enough to get her a new one. Oops? In her depression she (the DIABETIC, mind you) ate a quart of peppermint bark ice cream. Now she's got diahhrea, which you didn't need to know, but its what her punk ass gets, our insurance doesn't cover self inflicted diabetic comas && shit Christie, get your shit together. So now she's in a little state, mad at the world. I wasn't here, can't blame shit on me.

So if I save up every single dime between now and Jan 31st (the projected move date) I might have enough to keep myself afloat in Cali for maybe two months, which should be long enough for me to pick up two minimum wage jobs, that would keep me afloat until I could get one decent job, and then everything would be good? This is why they don't want me to go, they don't think I can take the pressure. Between me and you? I'm not all that sure I can either, but I'd rather the change, the challange, than the same old fucking same. I can't swim, but....sink or swim? lol ignore that analogy, it didn't work like I wanted.

Somebody remind me that I really do need to get my keyboard replaced. My A, S, && D are gone. My Shift is well.....shifty....if My F or Caps Lock goes, I'm going to fucking cry. && could you imagine typing without a space bar? Myyyyyy nigga, that would suck.

Goodnight.
-A.

A Sad Day Has Come

2008-12-07T10:54:00.000-08:00

I signed on yesterday, prepared to write about what a tumultuous (great use of vocab word there) day it was, only to discover that Blogger has locked my blog, because its under suspicion of being a spam blog. A SPAM blog! ME!!! Can you imagine how insulting that was? They said my blog would be deleted within twenty days unless I requested a review. So I immediately requested a review. That "deleted" word scares me. I can't get my url back if they delete me. And we all know how I feel about this url. That would just.....hurt. Anyway, they haven't gotten back to me yet. I thought locked meant I couldn't post anything, but its letting me type....I just have to do this irritating word verification so they can make sure I'm a real person. It makes my heart hurt that blogger doesn't trust me. After all we've been through? Come on now blogger.

Anyway, on to what a tumultuous day yesterday was. It was actually fine. Completely normal day. Until Kallie, another employee, and her mom came in to see a movie. Kallie and I have the same birthday. We all know I have mixed feelings about my birthday, but in general I plan to make this particular one flawless so we were discussing birthdays and how we felt and blah. I told Mrs. Ross (Kallie's mom) the truth, that I had a love/hate relationship with it, because there were some years where we spent my birthday putting the finishing touches on Christmas. To which Mrs. Ross replied:

"I think thats why Kallie loves her birthday so much, because we try so hard to make it special for her. She never gets together gifts. We never wrap her presents in Christmas paper. We never celebrate in the same room as the tree. At our house, December 24th isn't Christmas eve, its Kallie's birthday."

I smiled at her. I mean, it bothered me a little, but it was fine. It didn't start making me cry till I was damn near home. The only thing that'd kept me going, kept me thinking everything would be alright, was the fact that everybody who's birthday was Christmas Eve went through the same thing I went through. They don't. This is specific to me. Great. Like, I don't know. Its hard to have the one day thats supposed to be about you, be about everybody else. Its hard to be told they couldn't afford your birthday presents because they had to buy somebody elses Christmas presents. If that makes any sense. In general, your birthday is the time when people spend money on you. Unfortunately, my birthday is the time when people spend money on everybody. So instead of feeling special, most of the times I just feel like a bother. My birthday usually depresses the shit out of me. I'm trying to overcome that.

I cried a lot yesterday. I stood outside my house for five minutes trying to compose myself so my mom wouldn't see me crying when I came in. She wasn't really paying attention, but she did start screaming at me about some bullshit flat iron that she specifically told me I could borrow while she was keeping her hair curly. I tried to explain that to her, in calm tones, but that whole conversation ended with, "what do you have a job for if you're still taking all my stuff?" Yea. That ruined the whole composure thing. Went in the bathroom and cried some more. Like a typical teenager, I went in my room and played my music too loud till I'd calmed down. Then I got dressed and we went to this gospel concert, where I pretty much cried the entire time. The only thing I love about crying in church situations is that nobody asks you whats wrong. Ever. They want a reaction, and if you cry, they figure they've gotten one, so they assume Jesus has entered your heart, and leave you alone. They may occasionally hug you, and give you some tissue, but nobody asks you whats wrong, and nobody tells you to shuttup, and nobody looks at you funny. And if any of those things happen to you when you're at church, let me be the first to tell you, you're at the wrong church.

I was supposed to go this morning but my mom figured I'd been through enough last night, so she didn't wake me up, she just freaking left me lol. Its all good though. I need to clean my room and get some homework done.

I'm sorry this blog was depressing. I'll try to make the next one more fun. That is, of course, if they don't delete my blog for being spam. =|

-A.

The Madness Has Begun

2008-12-05T00:51:00.000-08:00

You like it? I love it. Just hush and let Ella sing. Oh yea, Ella Fitzgerald is what you're hearing right now. I let the classics sing the classics. Brittany Spears and them can go to hell. Fuck the bullshit. Today I was struck with the overwhelming urge to not let Jay Adams be the only person with a ridiculously sexy ass Christmas blog. Especially since he's decided to be all anti this year (Nutmeg was my shit though, no lie) Anyways! For obvious reasons (check the profile section if the reasons aren't quite that obvious) a get just a little psycho come Christmas time. In the good way though. I just love it. And doesn't this layout make you want hot chocolate with marshmallows and one of those dorky little hats? I'm all for the dorky hats like you have no idea. I'll dress up for Christmas more readily than I'll dress up for Halloween. Its a gotdamn sickness I tell you. I love it to death.

So today I sat through the entire Twilight movie with my little ray of sunshine, Belinda. It was rushed, but cutesy. Robert Pattinson did a wonderful job of looking tortured, but not looking like much of anything else, which upset the hell out of me. Edward was a multifaceted individual. Robert Pattinson was just pale and confused looking. Nikki Reed looks terrible as a blonde, she played Rosalie, but you guys probably don't care. Emmett was good. Alice was perfect. Jasper, like Robert Patinson, just looked tortured. In the book Jasper cracked jokes. If they turn the second book into a movie though, you'll see why he's like that. Plus there's this huge back story on Alice that nobody talks about. But I guess. It was cute for what it was. I'll stick to the books in the future though.

Okay now, are we ready to take it down a notch? You know, nothing can be good without something being bad. My nana's in the hospital? Yea, you know, the coldhearted one that calls me a fat crackhead and then pops out of nowhere with 1500 worth of graduation money? Her. She fell. We don't know how long she was on the ground. By the time Royal (a cousin. Yes, thats really his name) got home, well, we don't know how long she'd been there. Royal called an ambulance, and they took her to the hospital, but nobody knows whats wrong. Sometimes she's fine. Other times she doesn't know where she is, what day it is, she doesn't know her name, or the names of her children. Its weird. Its really disconcerting and scary. Running family joke is that old bird will outlive us all. I mean yea, she complains of aches and pains every now and then (aka allthefuckingtime) but we always figured she had too much fun complaining to die. I know, that sounded awful but....its funny what you hang on to when you're scared, don't you think?

• Graduation: Jan 22, 2009
• Official Move: Still undecided. I don't have a place to live yet. Yipee.
• My three day vacation is officially over. Tomorrow its back to work. Four day straight. Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday.
• If my paychecks not fantabulous, I quit.

OH! I almost forgot! Wait, let me find it....[ click it! ]. No seriously, click it. Its so fun. I almost didn't finish this layout cus I was playing with that thing.

Have yourselves very happy holidays my dears
-A.

//Edit!// Last Night, God blessed me. Bruce broke up with me. It was fabulous. I was on the phone with my twin for about four and a half hours. A miracle, if you know me, and he called me three times while I was on the phone. The first two pretty much went like this.

Me: Hello?
Him: Hey
Me: I'm on the other line
Him: Oh okay, Bye.
Me: Bye.

But the third time, well now the third time was interesting. Twin had said something funny, so when I clicked over I was laughing. And the third time turned out something like this:

Me: (laughing) Hello?
Him: Does the nigga you're on the phone with know you have a man?
Me: (honestly confused) Excuse me?
Him: Can I ask you a quick question?
Me: .....sure....
Him: Are we exclusive?
Me: ....uhm.....
Him: You're taking too long to answer.
Me: So what does that mean?
Him: That we shouldn't be together anymore.
Me: (Laughing again) Okay.
Him: Okay bye.

I know I know. I'm terrible. I wanna do the victory dance now that its over though. (VICTORY!)

Its Better Than Nothing.

2008-12-01T23:10:00.000-08:00

I'm gonna stop following your pathetic ass blogs. Why? You don't blog enough. I know your blog isn't about me but shit. I never have anything to read =[. I get on blogger, all excited, and there's nothing. OR! On some D'Angelo/Zula Bell type shit, it'll say there's something, but by the time I get there its been deleted. Raising my hopes for not a gotdamn thing. So I'm through following you. Absolutely through.

• Shani, I haven't gotten to the second book yet, no one will loan me a copy.

• Its looking like LA between the first and second weeks of January.

• there's a 50% chance I'll be voted employee of the month for the month of November

• Me and my twin are ridiculously excited about our new plan.

• I think I'm developing an unhealthy addiction to pornography.

• (no, you didn't actually read that, you just think you did)

• I'm going to FORCE myself to clean my room now.

Thats it.

-A.

This Damn Guitar

2008-12-01T00:01:00.000-08:00

Elliott Smith was a killer. This damn giutar. Shame he's dead. Anyway. Let me tell you what happened: I redid the blog layout, right? All good and well. Then I went to sleep. Woke up && came to blog, and realized that the blog layout hadn't changed. Now, I don't know if you saw it, but there's not that big a difference. It just upset the shit out of me. So I couldn't blog till I had my temper under control. Don't ask me why that would upset me that much, I've been pissy lately.

Twilight. I had no interest in it at all till I saw thirty minutes of the movie. Then I was like, "okay that looks interesting." I'd always much rather read a book then watch a movie, so I asked my little sister if I could borrow the first book from her. I devoured it. Its a big book. Two hours. Its a good book. I have a feeling that, though the movie will be good, it'll be nothing on the book. I've gotta get my hands on the second one. I'm a fiend when it comes to reading. I'm reading something I jacked from my mom now. Historical fiction about lost artifacts. I love stuff like that. Da Vinci Code type stuff. Makes you believe in magic, plus all of its completely possible.

I thought about God a lot today. Not quite ready to speak on that though. I've got to mash the thoughts up so that they're tolerable for your weak systems. Wouldn't want you getting sick or anything. What a shame that would be.

Jay Adams thinks he's gonna steal my Christmas. Psh fucking Ka. He can have it if he reimburses me. Wait, what was that? Didn't think so.

I've also worked everyday, for eight hours, since Thursday. My insomnia's kicking up, so I'll get about three hours of sleep, then about 8 hours of work. Do that for five days straight, and then try to spell the hardest word you can think of without spell check. Its a pain in the fucking ass. Apparently I can sell popcorn in my sleep though, cus I don't remember a damn thing about being at work, and they told me I had the highest sales of the day. Woot?

I clean better at night. At like two in the morning, when I'm starting to think about getting tired. It calms my mind down. I get to run all those random last minute thoughts out of my head, so when I lay down I can try to focus on actually being tired. I'm a slob in the day time, but I'm actually a neat freak at night. I have to straighten up everything. And it has to be perfect, or I'll mess the shit up again so I can try over tomorrow. I know, its a sickness. I'm actually a perfectionist, and thats my biggest weakness.

My moms friend is here from San Fran. She's sick, poor lamb. I can call her poor lamb cus she's 4'11. She's 41 years old, but she's 4'11, so I can call her whatever pet name I want. I've been taller than that woman since I was nine. However, she's flawless. Rolled into my lowly apartment with three pieces of Louis Vuitton luggage and shit, made me want to step my game up. Didn't feel so bad when she passed the fuck out. That was at 4 pm. Its 12:10 and my mom said she could wake up at any time, so I'm cowering in my room, trying not to play my music too loud.

I don't think there's anything else to say. Me and my twin are starting a challenge tomorrow. She doesn't know it yet. I'ma tell her when she wakes up lol. One day a week, you've got to wear heels out of the house, for absolutely no reason. Just to be bomb for a day. You've gotta post a picture, to prove that you've done it. lol, thats some shit we would both completely do. We're terrible. I love and miss her.

I had a dream that I moved to LA and lived there for three years without ever telling Bruce I was in the city. In that dream, I was so happy. Thats terrible.

"No ones going to fool around with us. No one's going to fool around with us. So glad to meet you, Angeles"

-A.

Gotta Be Feelin Some Kinda Way About It.

2008-11-28T02:04:00.000-08:00

Its 2 o clock in the morning, so forgive me if I ramble, or misspell words, or have bad grammar. Keep in mind that I don't actually have anything important to say, depending of course on your definition of important, so if you've never been a fan of the rambling blogs, you should probably skip this one.

Whats up Shani? You & Zula have become like, my two most faithful blog readers. Don't trip Danny, Sam, I know yall still around. You just show it differently. Zula & Shani comment. Daniel turns some shit from my blog into his stat on Y! like a black person. The duck wasn't even that good, by the way. Thats gay, right? Yeah, son, thats what I said. The rest of it was bomb though.

I'm moving back to California in the beginning of February. I start school out there on Valentines. Made this decision without consulting my mom, so she's kind of in a tizzy. Oops? I wasn't thinking when I made the arrangements. I know that sounds impossible, but it was really, impulsive. I did it all last night. Almost exactly twenty four hours ago actually. I just...did it. Its not hard. An online application here, a well placed email there, & boom. She's registered for school start February 14 2009. She's got a place to stay, financial aid, and a job.

I bet you're wondering, if its that easy, why the hell I've been out here for so long. The answer being, my family found my weak spot & pushed on that shit. Thats what sucks about having geniuses as family members. These motherfuckers told me my happiness and success didn't have anything to do with where I was, it was just me. I was just unhappy. I was just unsuccessful. Oh. They told me when I could be happy and successful where I was, then I could be happy and successful anywhere, and they'd let me go.

But, approximately twenty four hours ago, something hit me. The word "let". Hold the fuck up. I pay bills around here. You don't let me do shit. I do what I want. I mean that in the least temper tantrum throwing way humanly possible. I do what my mother asks out of respect for her. Not because she deserves it (sounds harsh, but its true), not because I'm scared of her, not because I'm afraid she'll kick me out. I do what she says because theres no reason for me not to. It makes life easier, everybody's pleased, so why not.

But the fact of the matter is, I'm not happy here. Its not me. Its here. When I was flat broke in LA, I was happy. I had friends, I had good grades, I had a hustle, I had my city. I was happy. Broke as hell and happy. I got out here and started fucking up. Nothing to do. Nowhere to go. No one who understood. And I'm not happy here. And why should I try to force myself to be happy here, when I know I could be happy there? Souds bullshitty to me. How bout you?

So I'm moving. At least thats the plan as of *looks at watch* now. And thats the most groundbreaking event in my life. Anything ground breaking going on in your life? You should tell me about it.

Oh, and randomly, I'd like to let you all know, that since Thanksgiving has officially passed, I start my birthday countdown on Monday, December 1st. So if you start to see random numbers in my stats, or in the blog somewhere, thats what that is, and so you'll have absolutely no excuse not to tell me happy birthday.

The end.

-A.

You're All I Need To Get By.

2008-11-24T23:00:00.000-08:00

Uhm....what's good lil white blogger box? Long time. And hey, all you nondescript, blog lurking individuals who read my blog without ever taking the time out to let me know you read my blog. How've yall been? My relationships with yall have also been lacking. The worlds been gray lately. Conversation suffers first in a gray world. Nobody wants to talk about much, cus nobody wants to complain. And the people that do talk a lot are complaining, so no one wants to talk to them. Shame, right? Welp, thats the way the cookie crumbles. Oooh, cookies. Moving on.

Thanksgiving on Thursday. What? What?! Anybody else getting hungry just thinking about it? I am, for diggity damn sure. Macaroni and cheese. My mom bought duck this year. Turkey, ham, and duck. The white people are starting to get to her, cus I told her I don't know not one nigga [in all of niggadom] who had duck for Thanksgiving. But its cool. I have to work Thanksgiving morning. You may think thats lame, but I'm cool with it. All I do on Thanksgiving is wake up early and wait six hours for the food to be ready anyway. Now, during that six hours I'd normally be desperately hungry and browsing myspace, I'll be feeding greedy fat white people mass quantities of popcorn, and can anyone say time and a half? Oh yes. Life is good in the hood.

Bruce just called me. No bluetooth and its hard to talk and type at the same time, but I just put him on speaker so I"m back. All sorts of sixteen minutes later. What was I saying? Oh yea.

I really thought I was big pimping when I went on my LA trip. I've been broke as a gotdamn joke since I've been back. my bank account is overdrawn forty two dollars and I have about 77 cents to my name. I get paid this Friday. So now you see why I'm picking up every available shift at my job. I can't take that poorness. Being broke is not in my genetic make up. Selling off my Coach purses in the meantime. I have four. Three of them are up for sale. Anybody interested? I'm selling em hella cheap. I'll charge you shipping though. Nothings free in this world my loves.

There is nothing else for me to say except that I'm no longer pleased with this blog layout. I know! I know! I said this was going to be the last one, but I honestly don't think any of you read that blog, because I covered it up so quickly, and no matter how many times you click the older posts button, you'll never find it [oooh, solve that riddle] anyway, because nobody read the blog that said I wasn't going to change the layout again after this one, there's no one to hold me to it. So there! I win. I think I'm going to bring back those lips. So it'll be the same layout, in essence, just different color scheme. Zula liked the lips. I'm always happy if Zula likes it. Or if theres another sexy eye, I'll change it to that. I don't think I'm going to do it tonight thought [which of course, means I am] I need to finish these job applications and go to sleep. I've got work and school tomorrow. But yea, I'm trying to work two jobs through the holidays. Cus the time and a half for the holiday shifts at regal, plus supplementary income from job to, plus the 1400 I'm gonna get for my birthday, plus the fact that I won't be in school from Mid January to the beginning of April means I should have a car, a decent one, by this summer. Especially if I get a better job in April, like one that pays more than minimum wage. A bitch is sick of minimum wage.

At some point I probably should've turned that into a new paragraph, but I couldn't think of where I'd do it sooooo....goodbye lovers.

-A.

Fear

2008-11-18T01:09:00.000-08:00

Listen && Understand

		http://www.mp3lyrics.org/dPvT

Jazmine Sullivan Fear Lyrics: I'm scared to try cause I'm scared to fail I'm scared to die cause I'm scared of hell I'm scared to kiss scared to hug I'm scared of sex cause I'm scared to touch I'm scared to lok cause I'm scared to see I'm scared of you cause I'm scared of me I'm scared to fly cause I'm scared to crash I'm scared to move on so I live in the past I'm scared to fight cause I'm scared to bleed I'm scared of love cause I'm scared he'll live I'm scared of drugs I'm scared to drink I'm scared to swim cause I'm scared to sink I'm scared to learn cause I'm scared of truth Don't wanna gain weight cause I'm scared of food I'm scared to think that the label dropped me I'm scared to think of my album floppin This may sound silly but it's true So don't pretend it ain't you too We all afraid of something here Cause you ain't human with out fear I'm scared to start cause I'm scared I'll quit I'm scared that people won't like my shit I'm scared of fame and paparatzi Rumors startin and people watching Scared to grow up cause I'm scared to grow old Scared of the dark and beign alone I'm scared of war I'm scared of jail Scared to share a secret cause I'm scared you'll tell This may sound silly but it's true So don't pretend it ain't you too We all afraid of something here Cause you ain't human with out fear

Basically, for my song lyric for today I was going to do a quote from that song, but I couldn't think of just one. So yea.

-A.

Pregnancy

2008-11-16T22:13:00.000-08:00

"Unsure of what the balance held, I touched my belly, overwhelmed, by what I had been chosen to perform"

Lol, now that I've backspaced the bullshit, let me try to explain logically why this is bothering me. Okay, deep breath:

I'm seventeen years old. I'll be eighteen next month. I'm excited. I've felt like I've been grown for a long time, and so my family members (evil geniuses they are) told me that they'd consider me grown when I could come up with a reasonable definition of it, outside of "old enough to buy cigarettes". I thought about it, for a long time, and when I was fourteen I told my mother that being grown was having the presence of mind to know that just because you could do something, didn't mean you needed to do it. I've been grown in the eyes of my family ever since. That's when my mother started fronting her ID for my alcohol, lol. Different blog, but the point is:

It seems that people around my age are getting pregnant really quickly. I know I've discussed this before, but its really irking me. It seems foolish. I mean, I don't know. My mom was old enough to have me, she was twenty one, that's respectable. But she wasn't in the financial position to have a baby. It would of been fine, if she'd have stopped with me, but she kept going, and only with Jonathan was she in the financial position to support three kids. Growing up in that, seeing how it effected not just us, but her, I decided that I wasn't going to have a baby until I was old enough to financially support one. I vowed that when I was ten, the day my mom told me she was pregnant with my little brother.

When I was twelve I'd had really bad periods, and so we put me on birth control. That's when we discovered that I was allergic. That was a major set back to my sex having plans, let me tell you. Lol, I mean, condoms are all good and well, but my mom used condoms and birth control with all three of her kids....so uhm, you see why I was hesitant. Plus, we could only afford the cheap ones, and I'll be damned if I spend four dollars on some condoms just to have them bitches rip and get pregnant anyway (twelve year old mentality, mind you), so I held off on sex. Time went by, realized, didn't need to be having sex with the dudes that I would've been having sex with anyway. And, in general, I'm pretty okay with my non sex having lifestyle. Occasionally my hormones flare up and I wish I could be a hoe for five minutes, but in general, I'm satisfied.

Fast forward to 2008 and every bitch you've known since the sixth grade, who's birthday is two weeks before, or two weeks after, yours is pregnant. And pleased with this. Not even feeling like a failure. Bold about their pregnancy. All over myspace and on the phone and in text messages "Oh, I'm having a baby!" Bitch do you realize you're broke, your baby daddy's broke, shit, your moms still broke, she hasn't recovered from your punk ass yet. Do you realize you haven't made it out of high school, your baby daddy never made it out of high school, and your mom has so little school that, at 39, she's still working two jobs to keep a roof over your head. Do you realize that by the time the baby's born, you probably won't even like the father, so forget wanting to spend the rest of your life with him. Do you realize that your baby is going to be as lost, misguided, confused, stubborn, and sometimes downright stupid as you? Have you thought about any of these things? I know you haven't. 'Cause if you had, you wouldn't be anywhere near as proud. I just want to grab these girls and shake them. You're not grown! The fact that you think you can conquer the world at eighteen is a testament to how not grown you are! [ insert growl here ] drives me insane, I tell you.

But more than that, honestly, more than being angry at stupid little kids who think they're grown, I'm scared. Scared because I realize that eventually, the stupid little girl getting pregnant is going to be me. I mean, I don't know what you think this is, but I won't be a virgin forever. And I'm scared. What if I get pregnant and I'm not ready? What if I'm not in a financial position to have a baby and I have one? What if I'm broke? If I haven't made it out of school? If I don't like the baby's father? What would I do? I know its dumb that I freak myself out about things that haven't happened yet, but I realized a long time ago that thinking about what could happen generally prevents it from happening. Which is a blessing and a curse (once again, diffferent blog), I'm just saying, I'm ridiculously scared.

Completely off topic: My house is making rather frightening, and completely uncharacteristic noises. I have the base of a broken lamp for protection. I will kick a muhfucka's ass in here tonight, don't doubt me

"But then an angel came one day, told me to kneel down and pray, for unto me a man child would be born"

-A.

pt 2

2008-11-15T02:48:00.000-08:00

"This here is on some truthful shit, it seems like everything he does I'm used to it"

But who says that's such a bad thing? I mean, no, my blood doesn't boil in his presence anymore; and no, I don't get the shivers when he touches me, but he's steady. There's something to be said for steady, isn't there? I mean, I've changed drastically over the passed few years, and so has he, but he's always been there. Yes, the majority of the time, thats irritating. And yes, my every experience with him is similar to a roller coaster you've been on for far too long, but its still a ride, is it not? Wouldn't I rather be on it, than standing on the ground, watching?

Ehh, so much for metaphors. Lets be honest. I don't want to be alone. I'll repeat that its not that I don't know how, or that I'm afraid to be, its just that I'd rather not. And since he's standing there, and insists on standing there, no matter how much I try to push him away, why not let him stand there? His presence is usually more comforting than it is annoying.....usually. And when he gets tired of standing there, and decides to move, let him. Let the chips fall where they may, right? Then it'll be sink or swim time, and those of you who think I can't handle being alone will see that I can handle it just fine. Till then, it makes him feel important to stand there, and it makes me feel good to know he's standing there. Its still a win win situation.

How can he expect me to take him seriously, anyway? He dropped out of school! High school! Just left, because he didn't feel like it anymore. He still lives with his mother. He's two months from being 20 years old. Almost twenty years old: No house, no car, not even a license, no high school diploma, no job. And apparently he doesn't have his dignity either because he continuously allows me to treat him like this. Maybe he thinks he's punishing himself for being a failure. Suits me just fine, since he is one. I'd prefer he punish himself for being a failure by making himself a success. No cure for laziness like hard work, if you ask me. It'd be different, if he were trying. I can appreciate trying. But its been three years. Two and a half since I left, and he's gone more downhill every time I see him.

Do you know what he told me the other night? He told me that he was glad he wasn't the man he was when I met him. Said that man was weak, because he fell in love with me, and allowed my leaving to break him. But let me tell you about that man, let me tell you about the man I fell in love with. Because the man I fell in love with had a job, and multiple side hustles. The man I fell in love with had art displayed in the Los Angeles Museum of Ethnic Arts. The man I fell in love with had the fourth highest SAT score in Los Angeles County. That's the man I fell in love with. The man I fell in love with told me I was going to love him. Told me, can you imagine? And now he's become an angry little brat with no ambition, no drive, and no intention of doing anything other than what he's doing right now. An angry little creature with pride enough to tell me he's not going to be the man I want, but not enough pride to tell me he's leaving. And he expects respect? How can I? Could you? I very unapologetically (Firefox tells me unapologetically isn't a word, but unapologetic is.....strange) tell you that I cannot. Respect is earned, and he's nowhere near it.

But, as I said, I'll allow him to stand there, until he decides to leave. Maybe watching me conquer the world one useless nigga at a time will knock the sense into him. One can only hope.

"This here is something personal, I highly doubt this feeling is reversible"

Brand New

2008-11-14T00:21:00.000-08:00

"I can't even find the perfect brush so I can paint whats going through my mind"

I have a headache. I call them the "no way out" headaches. Its when your head hurts so bad you want to cry, but you don't cry to avoid that nasty headache you get after you cry, so the tears build up right behind your eyes till its so much pressure that you feel like you're going to explode. Yea, its one of those.

When you've been with somebody for three years, the Drake song Brand New takes on new meaning. Because its no longer a question. You know for a fact nothing that you're doing is brand new. But what if you've been scraping right at the border of acceptability for those three years? What if, for three years, you knew she wasn't really happy, but she was holding on because she knew you were trying, and all of the sudden, it feels like she doesn't wanna hold on anymore. That'd be kinda terrifying, don't you think?

So what do you do? You've only got a couple options. Actually, you don't really have any. You have to sit back and wait for her to end it. Every time you try to talk to her, to sort things out, she closes up. She doesn't talk when you call her, she never calls you, you don't know what to do. You start to get that cold feeling in your heart, bracing against the hurt, waiting for that final blow, then it can be over, and you can move on.

But it never comes. She just keeps playing. One day she loves you, the next she doesn't. And everything in you wants to just be whats she wants, do what she wants so that she'll come back to you, but she's been running you around, playing games with you for years, and you know that she doesn't want you to let her do it anymore. So you don't, you refuse to be the person she wants. You refuse to budge. You stay true to yourself.

And you end up in a relationship all by yourself. She doesn't speak, she doesn't try, she dares you to leave her, without ever saying a word. Eventually you will. You'll show her that you can. You prove your point. But your worst fear is that she really doesn't care. That she'll applaud you for finally growing some balls, and go on living her life - happier now that you're officially in the rearview.

So what do you do? When nothing that you're doings brand new...

"Racing against myself, but I'm a couple steps behind"

This, of course, is written from his point of view. Except for the part about the headache. I really do have a headache.

-A.

If You Don't Know Me By Now....

2008-11-12T21:59:00.000-08:00

"The way we live, the way we die, what a tragedy, I'm so terrified"

So....the blogs done. For pretty much the last time. I've officially lost the battle with the older posts button. The thing about this blog (yes, you've seen the layout before, we'll get to that later) is that in the [exits] section, it'll give you the last ten older posts. A little less convenient, I'm sure, however, rooting around in the history of my blog shouldn't be easy...now should it?

As far as where you've seen it before, this is the same layout as the Jellybeans one. If I'd been smart, thats the layout I'd have stuck with. That one or the eye. Two of my best, I tell you. But they're both gone, and so this is all I could do. Its not bad. Simply complex. I hope it doesn't confuse anyone...but I've been doing navigations for so long that if you don't get it by now there's not hope for you anyway.

I should've never left the old blog, and started this one. Thats another foolish thing I should've never done. But whatever, its done now. However, I'm not going to acknowledge the change anymore. This is actually my 273rd blog. Ha. When I get to 300, the recap will be a combination of the two.

My F key is broken, and I can't afford to have it fixed.

My birthdays coming, and we probably won't do anything.

I don't know whats wrong with singingbox, but I have no music =[

I'm going away now....far...far...away.

"Daydreamers, please wake up. We can't sleep no more."

-A.

5:56

2008-11-11T05:56:00.000-08:00

Okay, for one thing, I need you to understand that its six o clock in the morning and I haven't been to sleep yet. I've been up all night, fiddling around with this blog. Now, you're insane if you think it took me all night to come up with what you're looking at now. I was trying to get the iFrame to work, which its kind of doing now, in a really ghetto, roundabout kind of way. All of this is related to my story, I'm just kind of rambling because I'm exhausted.

The blog you're looking at and the blog you're reading aren't the same blog. As we all know, I have three. Literary-romance, the one you're looking at, writtenobsession, the poetry blog, and x0x0shy, the tester blog, which is the one you're actually reading right now. See, I couldn't get the iFrame to just link to another part of the page, so for now, just so I could see how it looks, its linked to the tester.

Why? Because I wanted a real older posts button, and I wanted the music to continue playing when you clicked the older posts button. Yes, there are more straightforward ways of doing that, but they involve learning new code. Not finding new code, not trying new code, familiarizing myself with an entirely new language. Not up for it tonight.

Anyway, if you've been with the blog for a while, you'll know that x0x0shy, the tester blog, was actually the original literary-romance. I changed blogs sometime during the summer, when the blog title was syllable seduction. I took literary-romance back a couple months after. It doesn't feel right if I'm not blogging here. I really am trying to stay on topic, hold on.

Okay but anyway, because the blog finally has a real older posts button & everything, I was clicking it. You should too if, like I said before, you've been following the blog for a while. There's some oldies but goodies on here. Like damn, I used to blog. Fuck the bullshit, like, some of the stuff I was reading while I was clicking through here had me almost in tears. And I wondered when I'd stopped blogging like that. Then I figured it out.

I stopped blogging like that when I started to care more about what the blog looked like then what the blog said. I mean yea, I have become a little obsessive about my layouts. I've had some pretty good ones, that I should've just stuck with, but I'm silly, so I changed them. Always looking for something better, more advanced. And it never occured to me that I was sacrificing content for appearence. Not till now. And when it did....well I mean, wow. Color me stupid. I just kind of....stopped. & stared at the screen for a while. I'd been looking at backgrounds for the blog. I was changing the color scheme. It was going to be black & green. It probably still will be but, when I realized what I'd been doing, I had to stop, and come back here, to the original literary-romance, and talk for a little while. Cus now that I think about it, I've been doing some shit that I never did when I blogged here. I've been lying to my blog. Lying to an inanimate web page. How fucking stupid am I? Who tells a computer screen what they think it wants to hear? Isn't that silly? Gosh. Lol, I don't know.

When I finish this layout (which I have to now, its going to bother me for years if I don't), its going to be the last one I have for a while. I'm not saying its going to be a long while...I do have OCD when it comes to this shit....its kind of compulsive, but...I don't know. Can I ask for you guys' help? When I start to sound like a raving lunatic, but my layout is bomb, can you please steer me in a more sane direction? It doesn't take much. Just something along the lines of

"You're doing it again."

Would probably be enough to get me back on track. Think we can try that? Thank you.

Until then, or, until I get this layout fixed, don't hit the archives button in the "links" section. Its a mess, trust me.

Love Yall
-A.

Teeheehee

2008-11-10T21:25:00.000-08:00

Fuck that last blog, it was thirsty. Oh, shit, I forgot my song lyric.

"I was born by the river, in a little tent"

Had a bomb day today. Chilled with my friend Monica. We had a ball doing absolutely nothing. We watched like a movie & a half & did art projects & shit. Good times. She's trying to hook me up with this dude, that happens to know my old classmate Nicole, so now they've teamed up. Whatever, another blog for another day.

"Oh and just like the river, I've been running ever since"

Samantha! =[ I miss you, loser. You better be reading this. See, this is the problem. You don't have a phone, mine is tripping, you're never on yahoo or myspace, so we can't talk. Thats not whats up. We need to fix this. You & Zula used to be like my heart. Now....its broken! -tear. Fuck ever. I need to speak with you. I still have that MMS you & dasia sent me [:">], i listen to it before I go to sleep sometims. Lemme stop before I get mushy. Tell Mr. Pinion I said hello as well.

"Its been a long, long time coming"

This blog layout is beginning to irritate me. I think I'm going to go back to a template. But....I really really....do want an older posts button. I guess I'll have to fiddle with it till it works. I'm doing youtube videos tomorrow. Multiple I think. We'll see. Whatever.

"But I know a change gone come..."

-A.

SMH

2008-11-09T20:22:00.000-08:00

"Open up your heart and see like me"

I'm bedridden. Cramps are a bitch. Periods in general are a bitch. I've only left this bed today so I could pee and puke. Yes, I'm fully aware that was too much information, but I'm PMS'ing pretty heavily right now, so you might either want to skip this blog entirely, or shut the fuck up. -_-

I'm also upset at fucking myspace jockers. I put my little slideshow up with my pictures a couple days ago. No, scratch, a couple weeks ago, and realize today, that two bitches have stolen my exact idea. Now normally I'd put it in the great minds think alike category, but not with these two. Because both of them have stolen shit from me before. But here, I'll show you.

Here's my page

(click for a bigger picture)

Here's Girl numero Uno's page

She gets on my nerves the most, cus she didn't even size the pics right, like...come on now.

Girl numero Dos' page

Her slideshow is actually the cutest except for...oh shit! If you look to your left, you'll discover a secondary slideshow, full of people she loves. Also stolen from me. See:

Are you starting to feel that strange feeling? You know, the one where you think people are stalking your page, just to see what you're putting on it? Whatever.

If you're wondering what Jamelah stole from me, she's got almost every song from my playlist on hers, which doesn't bother me as much, cus people in Oregon need to listen to better music.

Whoo! That just took damn near all my energy. I'm going back to my pseudo sleep now, I just had to get that off my chest. It was irking me.

Why am I the only person besides Jay who still blogs daily? =[

"Open up your plans and, damn, you're free"

-A.

& another one

2008-11-07T01:52:00.000-08:00

I blogged earlier, but I had another thought, so I'm back.

I lie. To myself mostly. I just want...I don't know. I want so much. And I feel like I deserve so much, till I feel like I shouldn't have to survive without the things I want. So I make them up. I satisfy myself and I move on. Thing about being a liar is, you generally know when someone's lying. Especially when you're doing it to yourself. It was easy to convince myself I was in love with Bruce when I didn't have him. Now that I do I'm trying to figure out what the hell I was thinking. I don't like that little boy. I do love him. But I'm not in love with him. The love I have for him is obligatory. I don't want anything to happen to him, but not for him. Its such a selfish feeling. I want him to sit in a corner, and be there, whenever I have one of those moments where I need him to be there. But I don't want him to touch me. Or talk to me. Or talk to anyone else about the fact that I told him I loved him. Just....sit there. Don't move. Don't touch anything. Don't fuck up the life I'm building for myself, and I might just let you stay around. As long as you're "staying around" over there.

My second to last day in LA, he asked me why I treated him so bad. I told him because he let me, & because he could take it. I'd always figured that one day he'd man up, and make me act like I had some sense. I don't want to be dominated, damn all you people that think that. However, I do want a dude that could dominate me, if we wanted to. I want a man, not some little kid I could play mind games with for three years, and still have trailing around after me, skipping school and ditching his job to spend mass quantities of time with me whenever I come into town. I'd have more respect for a man that told me he was sorry, but he couldn't see me, cus he had shit to do. That's sexy. But when Bruce told me he wasn't going to allow me to treat him this way anymore, I didn't even hear him. I wasn't even listening to him. I was thinking about Starbucks, honestly. Because I don't believe him. I believe he's all talk. And even if he was to be dead serious, I still don't think I'd let him be the man I keep around. I think I'd let him go. "Oh, you don't want to play the game anymore? Well thank you so much for your services, I hope you have a wonderful life." And thats how its pretty much been with every individual I've involved myself with since I began involving myself with individuals in that way.

The only reason I continue coming back to Bruce, is out of fear. Its a completely irrational fear for a seventeen year old to have, mind you. What if nobody else will tolerate me? Bruce is the only one who's stuck around this long. So even though I respect him the least, for not standing up for himself at all, I need him the most. If he were to stop loving me, that'd be it. I'd be truly unwanted. And who's to say if I'll ever get that back? Irrational, I know, I've got the rest of my life and blah, blah, blah. But fear isn't supposed to make sense, and this one most definitely doesn't. More than anything else, I couldn't take saying that there was nobody in the world who'd want to marry me someday, who'd want me to have their children. Who'd want me to love them. I....in a world where everyone falls in love so readily, and allows themselves to be so happy, so easily....I wouldn't want to be alone. Couldn't bear it really (is that bear or bare?). So I keep Bruce around. Just when he's about to get sick of me, I give him something, I confession of undying love. A sappy blog about what an idiot I am, so he'll stay (he reads this, btw. Wonder how that's gonna go....). And he always does, he always stays, because I think he harbors the same irrational fear that I do. But once he's agreed to stay, I always push him away, put him on a diet of maybe two or three "I love you"'s a week, and hope he dies from lack of attention, or shuffles off to find a better deal. Saying that he left me is just easier to swallow. Why? Because nobody would believe it.

Didn't expect you to understand that last part. Blah.

I'm too worried about my future to live in the now, I guess. I don't talk to people I don't see potential in. No need to waste my time. But I'm seventeen. I've got nothing but time, to waste. Even if I met the perfect man, right now, he wouldn't marry me. I'm seventeen. We wouldn't immediately start having babies. I'm seventeeen. And yes, I tell myself this all the time. That I should just live in the moment but I can't. Its not how I'm built. Plus, living in the moment is how I met Bruce in the first place, and why the hell would I want to do some shit like that again?

Plus, I think I'm unapproachable. Something about intelligence being intimidating. Oops? Maybe the kind of man I'm looking for doesn't exist yet. Maybe I should become a scientist so I could create him -scratches chin.

I'm going to sleep so I can dream up the prototype. G'night.

-A.

2008-11-06T21:25:00.000-08:00

"No matter how I think we grow, you always seem to let me know it ain't workin'"

Today was eventful. Well, actually not so much. I don't know how to describe today, actually. One of the requirements of me being accepted into my night school program was that I sing in their little production they were putting on at the end of the term, & today was our last show. It went well, twas all good. To celebrate, a bunch of us were going to go see Saw V, (which I've seen already, but no biggie) since I've got got the hook up it was gonna be like five out of six of us free. Good deal, right? So I call in to make sure I can actually get that many people in with me,, and Lisa, one of the managers, informs me that actually, I've been placed on suspension, because I missed two shifts, and technically that's job abandonment.

I must've read the schedule wrong, cus she said I was supposed to work on this past Tuesday and I had no idea. I honestly probably just read it wrong. The other shift they're saying I missed though, was entirely their fault. I was still on the train back to Oregon during this shift. I wasn't even in the state, and yes, I told them I was going to be gone. Plus, when I was running late the for Tuesday shift, they should've called me. Nobody called me. If they'd have called me like, Ashley, aren't you coming in for your shift today? I woulda been like oh shit I'll be there in twenty minutes. No big deal. Whatever. I've gotta go fight that out with them tomorrow. I'm gonna be massively pissed if I lose my job.

So, since the movies was out, we decided we were gonna go to my friend Monica's & just chill. Once we figured out that we weren't going to the movies, Kassy & Angelica were like, oh, I've got to go home and uuhhh....change. But uhm....I'll call you. I'm like, whatever. Halfway to Monica's, we change our mind, && decided to go over to my godfathers. Bigger TV, plus the Wii && the XBOX360. Pool/Air Hockey table. Jenga. Arcade games, piano. We had a ball. We ate pizza and talked shit && it was cool or whatever. Kassy texts me like, I'm sorry I left you with that lame party. No response to that. None at all.

Blah. But that's pretty much all thats been up with me. What about you, whats been up with you?

"And when I try to walk away, you hurt yourself to make me stay. This is crazy"

-A.

You Already Know.

2008-11-04T21:27:00.000-08:00

"If there is anyone out there who doubts that America is a place where anything is possible, who still wonders if the dream of our founders is alive in our time, who still questions the power of our democracy, tonight is your answer"

Man. I can't even breathe. This is so amazing. I hadn't wanted to get my hopes up, just to have them shot down. Tonight I find myself hopeful, but afraid. I'm ridiculously proud that our nation has come so far as to elect an African American man as the forty fourth president of The United States of America, but at the same time, I wonder if we've come so far as to let him stay there. I'm afraid for him, and of what will happen to our country if something happens to him. But we won't talk about that tonight. Tonight, we'll bask in the glory that we've worked so hard for. Tonight, we'll enjoy.

"It’s been a long time coming, but tonight, because of what we did on this day, in this election, at this defining moment, change has come to America,"

-A.

PS: + Kris re opened her blog?! My life doesn't get any better than it is right now. It really actually doesn't.

Back.

2008-11-03T21:30:00.000-08:00

"I'm just a little bit caught in the middle. Life is a maze, and love is a riddle"

I've been gone for a minute but now I'm back. Do me a favor and pretend you missed me, yea? I had a ball on my little vacation. I missed my city. It was nice to go back. I've never had more fun being hit on by homeless people and choking every forty seven seconds because the air was so dirty. However, I'm never taking the train again. I was delayed two hours getting into the city, and four coming back. Not good at all.

Its weird though, cus when I got back, nobody missed me. I mean, not the people that I thought would. There was nobody at the train station when I got home. They didn't know where it was. They didn't mapquest it or anything until I got there. It was kinda depressing. Goddaddy seemed kind of irritated that he had to stop doing whatever he was doing to come pick me up, Aunty Isha was too busy being on the phone to be excited I was back, they told me they think the baby forgot who I was. Great. Elmo was in the bathroom when I got there and after that she went straight to sleep. She didn't even say anything to me. Wow. And mom, well, I mean. Whatever, we won't even go there. Ree & Jon where happy to see me. That made me happy.

I guess it only threw me off because it was so much the opposite of what happened in LA. Like I got there and everybody was at the train station to greet me, like not outside waiting, they were at the gate. The whole time, I don't know, I mean, they took care of me. I felt loved. I guess its cause they don't deal with me everyday? Like, maybe if I lived there again they wouldn't be so attentive? Probably. Absence makes the heart grow fonder & such. But that still doesn't explain whats up with my freaking family. I mean, I've been gone for a week and these niggas are acting like they wish I would've stayed gone. Its.....I don't know. Disconcerting.

On the other hand, people at school were glad I was back. They hugged me and screamed like white people have a tendency to do. It was cool. It made me feel hella better after the reception I got at home.

Anyway, I'm gonna stop talking really now. I hope you guys had a great week, and you were enjoying yourselves while I was gone.

"I'm just a little girl lost in the moment. I'm so scared, but I won't show it"
-A.

Jitters.

2008-10-24T11:36:00.001-07:00

Re-did the blog. You like, you like? I'm okay with it. Thats all that matters anyway. Erm. I leave in about twenty minutes for the train station. Mom got her license suspended last night (whooo! long story) anyway, she can't drive, so I'm on the bus. And so is she. So she's not gonna be seeing me off, or anything. =[ I want my freaking mommy yo! But moving on. Did I ever tell you guys about my airport fiasco a couple years ago? If I can handle that, this'll be a piece of cake.

Lalalalala

Life's a trip, you know? Crazy how one moment, you're a kid, cuddling under your mommy cus you had a bad dream, and the next, yall are both taking off in your separate directions, waving at each other even though you're not sure if the other person is still standing there, trying your hardest not to cry. We consider this a practice run. If we can live through this one, then we're pretty sure we can handle me going out of state for college.

Did I blog last night? lol I remember typing it, but I'm pretty sure I deleted it. I was highhhhhh. lol no I wasn't. I was hooka'd. It doesn't actually get you high, but my head was all light && I was gigglier than shit. lol. I don't think it would've been in my best interest to blog. I'm only blogging now because I need to kill some time before my bus gets here. 62 to Milikan Way Max Station then the Blue Line to Old Town. Remind me.

This would've been better as a video blog, but I packed the camera's, so there goes that. Plus I'm so utterly unglamorous, that I'd probably regret it as soon as it was posted. Ehh.

Its 11:45 now. Am I wrong for feeling like a hobo because I have to take the train with all my luggage && shit. I don't want people to think I'm a hobo. Then the logical side of my brain kicks in and says, Ashley, you won't look like a hobo. You'll look like someone going on a trip, without a car. lol. I see people on the train coming to and from the airport all the time. I never think they're hobos. I think they're people going on or coming from trips, without a car.

Thanks for helping me clear that up.

Just remembered there's no music on this blog, but thats okay, cus yall never listen to it anyway. Everybody like, pauses the blog music and then continues listening to theirs. Except for me, of course. I seem to be the only person in the blog universe that thinks the music on the blog makes the blog. And you can tell, a lot of times, what tone someone is actually taking from the music on their blog. Plus, I can read and listen to music at the same time, which I've been told is a rare skill. Whatever.

OKay, I think I've wasted about as much time as I can afford to waste. Wish me luck, yea? I'll take pictures. Blehhh, I don't wanna go without my mommy. =/

there will never be two things that go together better, than you and me
-A.

The Fight of my Life

2008-10-22T23:42:00.000-07:00

I totally intended on blogging, then got to this screen, you know what this screen looks like, &+ didn't have anything to say. Sucks right? I was thinking, I'll be at 100 posts on this blog soon. So I was gonna do a Jay Adams recap of my first 100 posts, so I was reading over them all, seeing which one I would choose. And now that I'm done with that, I've realized that I've never let not having anything to say stop me from blogging. Lol, some of my best blogs have started with "I don't really have anything to say" and ended with "Hella done pretending I have something to say". I'm just amazing that way.

I was on the phone with Bruce until 3 in the morning. We slept on the phone together. He hung up at around five thirty, but then we woke up at six. Or we were supposed to. But I actually got up at 7:30, but whatever. Hair appointment, school, a bunch of us went for ice cream after, I came back home, chilled for a minute, then hopped over to GD&A's for ANTM. They sent Joclyn home. Pretty sure I spelled her name wrong. Poor thing, though. They always send the girls home for the same reasons. There's always the one gorgeous girl that gets sent home because she has no personality, and the girl that gets sent home because she lets the competition get to her too much, and so on. The predictability is kind of upsetting. But anyway, the girls go abroad every season, and this season they're going to Amsterdam. I almost choked when Tyra said that. "High as a muhfucka, flyyy as a muhfucka" lol I don't know.

I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to go back to an old blog layout. Which one? You remember the black and purple and blue and green with the eye? Yea. That was like the height of my blog excellence. I'm going back to that. Plus, I finally figured out how to put an older posts button in a div layout, so I'm going to try that out, & it'll be pretty perfect.

Anyway, full day tomorrow, plus I leave Friday, so I wanna finish packing some stuff and cleaning some stuff up for the final trip. Like I've said before, I don't know what my internet situation is going to be while I'm out there, so I'll probably blog early Friday morning, or something. I wanna talk to y'all again before I go. For now, I'm just going to try to make this layout as perfect as it was before, seeing as I don't save the codes after I change them. Yea, this is going to be fun.

I'm sick off my ass, by the way. Anyway, I hope you're having as wonderful of a life as I am.

-A.

I pretty much just love him.

2008-10-20T23:15:00.000-07:00

Lets get right to it, shall we?

I've never loved anybody but him. There have been people that made me feel comfortable. There have been people who boosted my ego, people that told me all the things I wanted to hear. But there's never been anyone like him. Anyone who took my heart and twisted, just to show me that he could, almost until I hated him, just so he could kiss it and make it better, just to show me that he could. Just to show me that he could make me feel completely better, and make me love him more than anybody else ever could.

So does it come as a surprise to you that a fourteen year old ran from that feeling? Ran as far and as fast as she could? Did everything she could do hurt him because she didn't want anyone to have that much control over her? I was fourteen! I was scared, I was convinced that he wouldn't do anything but hurt me, because if I had that power over someone, thats what I'd do. Coincidentally, I did have that power over him, and thats what I did. But thats not the point.

All this little excursion has shown me is that I pretty much can't do without him. Except for now, I've gotta remind him that he pretty much can't do without me, either. It would suck a whole lot if now that I've finally figured it out, he's over it. But wouldn't that just be life? lol. I can sense that he's very close to being through with me completely.

Blah. My pride doesn't want to have to work for it. Ya know? My pride says, well if he's done, let him be done, I'll find another. My heart doesn't say that. My hearts never said that. I've been listening to my pride for three years, and I think its time for my heart to have a say. I guess its time to put it all on the line. And if it doesn't work out, it'll be because it didn't work out, not because I was too scared to try.

Ehh. I've gotta go pack. I leave Friday. And this whole trip has just become the "go get Bruce back" experiment. Fuck. I'm scared now. No other word. Wish me luck, yea?

In other news: If you take the Can't Believe It video, put it on acid, and give it brighter colors, it becomes the Chopped & Skrewed video. And I've gotta admit, I like chopped & Skrewed better than Can't Believe it.

Goodnight yall
-A.

Mirrors.

2008-10-20T00:04:00.000-07:00

There's so much in my head right now that I've willed myself into believing there's nothing. Have you ever done that? I need a drink. I thought we had alcohol in the house, but I opened the fridge to pour a glass && it was gone. Like an alcoholic, I woke my mother up to ask her where it was. She said she didn't think I needed to drink anymore. She picked now to come to that excellent conclusion. Now, when I need a drink.

Wanna know something funny? I don't drink when we're in a crisis. I thrive on that. I feel like I have something to do. Like I have a reason to wake up in the morning. Like I have a conflict to resolve. I feel needed. I feel productive. Only when something catastrophic is going to happen, do I feel as though life is worth my time. I try my hardest not to start any unnecessary drama though. I'm not a drama starter, I'm not a drama queen. I just enjoy it. I enjoy fixing things when they're broken. But I don't break them. I'm not that bad yet.

Anyway, all the times when my life are good? I drink then. Out of boredom. What the hell is there to do when life is good. Enjoy it? For what? Its just gonna come crashing down in another five minutes. Its not like theres any permanence to life. I'd rather not get attached to the illusion. I'd rather stay in a half drunk haze during the good times, and be fully sober during the bad ones. The bad times make me stronger. I don't really see the point in the good ones.

Wow. That sounded bad. I'd be more cheerful if I had a fucking drink.

Blah. Why did I start blogging? I totally could have skipped this, could've left this spot empty and allowed yall to keep looking at the previous blog (whatever the hell that said, I can't recall) until I had something chipper, and happy to say. But blogs aren't about that, now are they? My blog is about me talking about what I feel.

And I feel like I need a fucking drink.

Its funny how guys are always the ones who tell me to stop drinking. Guys who smoke ALL THE FUCKING TIME. They're the ones that warn me about kidney, or liver, or whatever the hell the alcohol damages, problems. The one on yahoo who's stat is "I'm high as fuck" has the nerve to get mad at me, cus I had a drink. or two. or seven. fuck difference does it make? Somebody out there is smoking a black right now, and itching to tell me that I could do something more productive with my life if I didn't drink so much. Hypocritical to the fucking bone. I hope you get lung cancer.

Ehh. Yea, I really didn't need to start typing. This was a bad idea. I think I'm going to go watch porn and pretend I had something alcoholic to keep me company.

Unless you wanna buy me a drink? ;]
-A.

She would always look in the mirror and she told herself, instead of pointing the finger at other people she would look in the mirror, and she would scold herself, its her fault that her life ain't easy. She would look in the mirror, and compose herself, if she ever needed help in her life she would look in the mirror, and she would hold herself down, so everything would get done right."

And I Know Just to Going to it, Could Never Amount to Going Through it.

2008-10-16T23:06:00.000-07:00

"Our circumstances are not an accurate reflection of God's goodness. Whether life is good or bad, God's goodness, rooted in His character,, is the same." -Helen Grace Lescheid.

So, we passed our housing inspection. We're not being kicked out, we're not moving away, life isn't coming to an end. Life's going pretty well or whatever, now that I'm not afraid for my life as I know it. Schools pretty steady. Works pretty steady. Life's pretty steady. Chillin with friends Sunday. You know the last time I've "chilled with friends"? Last time I had friends to chill with. Lmao. Whatever though. I'm feeling good.

I'm getting my grades back from when I screwed up last spring, so next spring I'll be able to return to PCC, && get all my transfer credits for university. Feels good to have a plan, you know? I can see it happening. The vision is the best part.

Honestly, life is just so chill at this particular moment in time. There's nothing for me to bitch to yall about. Its 11:15, I'ma make some soup, watch a movie, &+ go to bed. Work tomorrow (plus its payday), work Saturday, that whole "Chill" thing Sunday. If I don't sleep over at Monica's, I'll be at Zilly's Monday, then school. I'm rambling. I know you don't need an itenerary.

Goodnight =]
-A.

Quotes!

2008-10-14T21:44:00.000-07:00

Found this sick book with all these wonderful quotes in it. They're mostly religious. You'll love em. Read with me.

"Where there is faith, there is love; Where there is love, there is peace; Where there is peace, there is God; And where there is God, there is no need." -Leo Tolstoy

"There is a deep peace that grows out of illness and loneliness and a sense of failure. God cannot get close when everything is delightful. He seems to need these darker hours, these empty-hearted hours, to mean the most to people." -Frank C. Laubach

"God our of life, there are days when the burdens we carry chafe our shoulders and weigh us down; when the road seems dreary and endless, the skies grey and threatening; when our lives have no music in them, and our hearts are lonely, and our souls have lost their courage. Flood the path with light, run our eyes to where the skies are full of promise; tune our hearts to brave music; give us the sense of comradeship with heroes and saints of every age; and so quicken our spirits that we may be able to encourage the should of all who journey with us on the road of life, to Your honor and glory." St. Augustine.

"When circumstances seem impossible, when all signs of grace in you seem at their lowest ebb, when temptation is fiercest, when love and joy and hope seem well-nigh extinguished from your heart, then rest, without feeling and without emotion, in the Father's faithfulness." -David Tryon

"I will trust Him. Whatever, wherever I am, I can never be thrown away. If I am in sickness, my sickness may serve Him; in perplexity, my perplexity may serve Him; if I am in sorrow, my sorrow may serve Him. My sickness, or perplexity, or sorrow may be necessary causes of some great end, which is quite beyond us. He does nothing in vain." -John Henry Newman.

"A certain amount of opposition is of great help to a man. Kites rise against, not with, the wind." -John Neal

"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing, and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares." -Henri J.M. Nouwen

"One thing we may be sure of, however: For the believer all pain has meaning; all adversity is profitable. There is no question that adversity is difficult. It usually takes us by surprise and seems to strike where we are most vulnerable. To us it often appears completely senseless and irrational, but to God none of it is either senseless or irrational. He has a purpose in every pain He brings or allows in our lives. We can be sure that in some way He intends it for our profit and His glory." -Unknown

"The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quiet, alone with the heavens, nature and God. Because only ten does one feel that all is as it should be and that God wishes to see people happy, amidst the simple beauty of nature. " -Anne Frank

I'm done typing. So seriously. These made me hecka happy after a really bad day. This is a really bad time for me, and if you pray, I'm going to ask you to pray for me. If you don't, please just keep me in your thoughts, I need all the positive energy I can get.

Till then, Love Yall.
Stay up.
-A.

This too shall pass

2008-10-13T21:53:00.000-07:00

Okay. So lets talk about it. I'm ready to talk about it. Are you ready to talk about it? Doesn't matter, we're talking about it. Here's whats up.

We had a housing inspection about a week ago, they do that before your one year lease is up, just to make sure you haven't been fucking shit up extensively while you've been living there. I'm not gonna lie to yall, it was a surprise inspection (I was butt naked, hiding in the bathroom when I heard them walk in, real talk, had it been a robbery, that'd have been the last of me), so the house wasn't exactly clean. But thats not what they took issue with. They took issue with the amount and size of the furniture we had in the aparment, and the fact that the way some of it was placed made it a fire hazard. They said they'd be back in a week, and if it wasn't fixed, they'd be forced to evict us.

We did all we could do. Fixed that fire hazard shit with a quickness, cleaned everything spotless (by spotless, I mean to the best of our ability with the cleaning supplies and appliances on hand), and moved everything we weren't actively using into goddaddy & aunty isha's garage. The follow up inspection was today. We twiddled our thumbs and waited.

No go.

Still too much stuff, arranged poorly, its cluttered, they don't like it. The manager is being "kind" and giving us two days to try again. Today being day one of that two days. Tomorrow being day two. I skipped school today to help mom clean. The more we understand what they want us to do, the more we realize it can't be done. Especially since there's not gonna be anyone here to help her tomorrow. I've got work and school, & I can't miss again. They will fail me. & we already know how the high school diploma situation is going, so we can't have that. So basically, we're looking and eviction.

And not just eviction. No, not just eviction. We failed a housing inspection twice, therefore, they can use something they like to call "special circumstances eviction" which will have us evicted in two weeks.

We can't afford to move. We can't stay. Go ahead and ask me what the fuck we're going to do.

I haven't the slightest. I haven't talked about it with mom yet. She's not ready to deal with it realistically. She's still saying "It'll all work out". I know it will. It has to. But how? Here's what I'm thinking: we're going to have to split up.

AnnMarie pretty much already lives with goddaddy & aunty isha. She's got her own room && a tv && she's pretty happy there. Mom's considering going back to LA, taking Jon with her. They'd get a spare room with one of her friends. The two of them could pull that off.

And me? Well, I've got options. I've got a job here. Plus, when I turn 18, I'll get that money, so I'm not gonna be too bad off anywhere. But here are my options:

If I stay here:
I could live with Alyssea, get a transfer out to her neighborhood, finish school, & decide what I'm going to do from there. Downside? The chances of me remaning a relatively good human being at Alyssea's are about [..] this big.

I could live with Mike, get a transfer out to his neighborhood, finish school, & decide what I'm going to do from there. There is no downside. Mike's amazing. He'd have high expectations though.

Third option, and the most conventional: I could move in with goddaddy and unty isha as well. Same as living anywhere else out here, minus the transfer. Life'd be better. They're a little more liberal with money. They were buying elmo Ed Hardy sneakers when she couldn't walk (THE FUCK DID YOU NEED SHOES FOR ELMO?) but okay. Downside? They work my fucking nerves. I'd probably go insane.

I could move to LA, live with any number of people. I'd be back home. I'd have my friends back. I'd have my life back. I'd have my mom, but I wouldn't be living with her. Job transfer, finish school, decide what I'm gonna do from there.

Or I could move to Rockford. Stay with my uncle perry & aunt Shirley. They've got plenty of room. No job transfer, I'd have to get a new one. New school, new people, fresh start entirely. No mom. No anybody. It'd be creepy.

Those are my options. I don't know. You know, as young adults, we all reach that point where you have to leave the nest, the safety and security of the blah, blah, blah. Never thought it would happen quite like this.

But nothing in life, bad or good, ever lasts. Remember child, that this too shall pass.
-A.

When October Goes....

2008-10-13T12:22:00.000-07:00

Neither the height of your intelligence, nor the depth of your conversation are going to save me from the hole I'm in right now. I do believe that this is rock bottom. There's no lower for me to go. I don't care anymore. I don't care. I don't put the effort into saying what I should, or doing what I should, like I used to. I'm sitting at the bottom of the well, water lapping around my hips, in the dark, and I feel like I'm running out of clean air to breathe, and I'm waiting for the walls to close in around me, so I won't feel cold and scared anymore. I'd rather feel nothing. I'm tired of feeling cold and scared.

Optimistic as always, I think of the benefits of being numb. After this hurt, after all the hurts that I've experienced and overcome, what could ever hurt me again? I listen to others complain about things that are so damn trivial. And before, I would have remembered that its not my place to judge someone else' struggles. Whats hard for me might not be hard for them, and whats hard for them might not be hard for me, but that doesn't make it less hard. That's what I lived by before. That's what I lived by before I was at the bottom of the well. But who gives a shit now, really? You complain about bullshit. About broken phones and gas prices, and parents who just don't understand. You blame it on the recession. You blame it on the economy. You blame it on the government. And then you don't vote. You don't get a job. You just complain. Complaints without action are empty and fucking irritating. And now when you complain about things that don't matter, I'll laugh. I'll laugh in your face because who gives a fuck? Right, your internet friendship means so much to me that I couldn't survive if I didn't have it. Be real.

I want to not give a fuck. To be icy and cold all the time and not care about the feelings and emotions of other people, I want to be so far gone that space and time and drama don't effect me. I want to drown in a sea of alcohol and float on a cloud of smoke and die a thousand little deaths until pain and I are on a first name basis. I don't want to remember names or places, or the same old faces that would've consoled me before. I don't want to be consoled anymore. I want to be angry till anger runs out and there's nothing in life to be angry about. And then I want to die.

Don't wanna be myself no more, I wanna be somebody else.

-A.

Better Bring Your Cape, Cus I'm Bringing That Kryptonite.....

2008-10-12T17:27:00.000-07:00

I'm bothered, & I can't really put my finger on why.

In reference to the last post, I only know I've changed when I talk to people I used to talk to, and I realize that the conversation that used to flow so easily dries up around the time its my turn to speak. Or, more specifically, around the time they have to respond to what I've said. They can't catch up anymore. Or maybe its incomparable. Maybe we're not even talking about the same things anymore. Can't figure it out. Don't need to.

It bothers me that people like to play the hypothetical "what if I was where you are" game over the internet. Doesn't matter. Cus you're not. And you're making no moves to be. No plans to be. You just wanna know what I'm going to say. Then get mad when I'm not in the mood to play the game. What good does it do me to tell you that if you came out here I'd stop my entire life to spend two to three days in complete and total bliss with you? No nigga. If you came out here, you'd realize there wasn't shit to do, so all you'd want to do is fuck. And I'm not fucking you. If you didn't get the memo, I'm not fucking anybody. But if you came all the way out here from pittscataway, new jersey, you'd expect something in return right? Well, you can keep that shit where you're at. I don't have time for it. Niggas exhaust me with the bullshit.

And understand something, there's a difference between friendships and internet friendships. I go see people I'm actually friends with. Note the ticket to Los Angeles, the trip thats already been planned. The next trip is to STL to see Sam && Danny, soon as they get moved && settled, & no, I haven't discussed that with them yet, but I don't have to, cus thats family. And we're not gonna play the "what would we do if you were here" game. I'ma say, "hey, is it cool if I come out there && spend a couple days with yall?" && their gonna say "hell yea, when you comin?" We'll figure the rest of the shit out when I get there, cus when you're doing things, you don't have time to plan what you would be doing, if you were doing something. And yes, I know that shit made sense, so if you didn't catch it, you're reading the wrong blog.

Can't yall sense the bitchiness in me today though? I'm trippin cus there's no reason for it. Like, I have no reason not to be incredibly happy. I'm just not. If you give me time to sit and stew in my thoughts, I'll piss myself off over nothing. But if I'm talking toooooo somebody I'm all smiles. Psycho right? Yea.

Done talking now. I'll prolly blog again later, seeing as I don't feel like this one really counts.

-A.

Circle.mp3

2008-10-10T21:39:00.001-07:00

Zula doesn't like it. See? Thats why I was waiting on her opinion. Honestly? I don't either. Blah. I'll end up changing. Probably taking it back to something simpler? Dumb thing about blogger layouts it that if you're layouts a div, its impossible to have and older posts button. Ehh, I'll figure something out. On to the actual blog.

Have I changed? I wonder. Sometimes I feel like I have. Sometimes I feel like I've matured immensely, like the things that hurt me once couldn't hurt me again. You know, I look back on the way I "used" to be, and the things I "used" to do, and I feel so above them. I chalk all my mistakes up to being young, and tell myself I'm older now. Those stumbling blocks that tripped me then? My legs are too long to be caught up in such trifles now. lol, sometimes, I'm on top of the world.

But then there's other times, when I laugh at myself. I laugh at my insecurity. I laugh at my moments of "fake it till you make it" confidence. I give myself the facts. If I've grown, I couldn't have grown to much, cus I still post the same damn blog almost monthly when I feel like I don't have any real friends, when I feel like no one cares about me, when I can't imagine anyone ever loving me. I put out the same all call, daring one person to tell me that I'm wrong, that I'm worthy of being loved, and cared for, and that I have friends. But no one ever does. And knowing why they don't, I still let that plunge me into another spell of depression, so how much could I have changed?

My godfather tells me its like trying to watch a plant grow. If you're looking at it all the time, you'll never see the centimeters that creep into its lengthy frame. You'll never see the hues of green that make it more beautiful than it was the day before. But if you take a look, then leave for a while, and come back, you can see the real growth, and appreciate it. But I can't stop looking. This blog is nothing but a big mirror. It doesn't tell me about myself as much as it makes me wonder about myself. What am I doing? Where am I going? And wait, tell me again what I'm doing? But blogging keeps me sane, it keeps me stable, so I guess I'll just always have to wonder if I've grown or not. I guess this is another one of those conversations I'll keep having.

Maybe I'm good the way I am? A tad too trusting, a tad too loving, a tad too giving, a little insecure, given to complaining, but never about the big things, and to be so in love with love, that I see it everywhere, even when its actually just the desire for sex.

Maybe I'm good that way?

-A.

2008-10-09T23:44:00.000-07:00

So.....its like quarter to midnight. I'm hella tired. Leaking & shit. Not the business. I'm goin to sleep soon as I finish typin this here shit out. Y'all like the change? I don't. Shit would not cooperate with me. and I forgot to transfer the counter code over. genius right? lol its still not finished. I might alter the colors a bit. && if you look close you can see the singing box code && a little bit of the javascript floating around, but all & all, its alright I guess.

No, I'm truly never satisfied with anything I do. Its cool though, cus thats how everything I do ends up a step above everything you do. You should try it.

I lost my wallet. I think. All I know is I don't know where it is. Bullshit. Man. I lose more wallets than any other person you know. Keys? Those too. I always find em though. But I lose wallets in public places && shit. I hate that about myself. Man. How I'm supposed to save money if I'm always fucking losing something? Explain that to me.

I don't have anything to say really. Sleepy. I was reading this book last night? Cried my fucking eyes out. It wasn't the saddest thing either, just the way it was written was bomb. When most people write about sadness, they try to use the big words, and the big ideas, and the big comparisons, you know? They try to make the pain as big as they can, but that generally makes it so unrelatable, that even though you know its sad, it doesn't quite click for you (apparently, unrelatable isn't a word). This wasn't like that though. It was so raw, and the words, and comparisons were so real, so relatable, that I couldn't help but cry (apparently, relatable isn't a word either? How the fuck do you put relate in the active tense then? Relate, related, relation...whatever). Anyway, cried. Went to sleep. Beautiful thing. I slept with Walter<3. =]

BLOG MORE BITCHES! I need something to read. Night.
-A.

Do You Have A Little Time?

2008-10-08T22:16:00.000-07:00

You know what sucks worse than losing? Winning. You're expecting to lose. In most cases, you're expecting to lose, you know how to lose, you've lost before. But winning? Well now, thats a different case entirely. If you'd lost, you'd have gone on with your life, the same way you had before, but winning? You can't just continue being a content loser after you've won. Why, the world just doesn't work that way.

Jazmine Sullivan picks the winner of the Fearless Lyric Contest a week from today, and I'm so honestly hoping its not me. I'm not ready for all that.

Date situation went well. You know you were dying for me to tell you that.

Do y'all remember Jesse? White boy, with the fiance that would not quit from last spring? He's back. Well no, let me amend that. He's not back for shit. But he wants to be back. He planned this immaculate ass scheme to get back in my life today. Somethin like this:

Text message received: Jenny:
Jesse has your sweater. Can I give him your number?

Me (thinking): Watch this nigga just wants an excuse to call me. But wait, I did lose my red & black sweater. And WAIT! that is the sweater we used in our performance...okay

Text message sent: I guess.

Turns out, he just wanted an excuse to call me. Said I wouldn't have agreed to give him my number if I didn't wanna talk to him. Nigga I was concerned about my mother fucking sweater. You and your fat ass insecure stupid bitch of a fiance can hit the ground runnin with the bullshit. Fuck off my phone. That shit upset me all fucking day.

And if you're wondering why the hostility at his fiance, cus that bitch pissed me off! And almost made me want to take her fucking man all this time ago. On some "Ashley, you're worried about people thinking there's something going on between you and Jesse, please don't. I've already told everyone, you're not his type at all! He likes his women more.....mature." She's 24. He's 21. They're both full of shit. Her more than him. He's just a dog. She's running the kennel - letting the dog shit all over her, and loving it.

Sorry. Feeling a little pent up aggression there.

My head really hurts.

I'm putting the new layout up as soon as I talk to Zula about it. Which will be never again, so it'll look like this forever. Not a bad way to go, if I do say so myself. I am changing the playlist though. Now. =]

-A.

//edit// I FIGURED IT OUT!! I FIGURED OUT WHY NO MATTER WHAT I DO, I CAN'T MAKE THE NEW BLOG SEXY! lol. Okay. I'll put it up tomorrow. Omgsh, I'm so dumb. I see the light now! I see it! Really!! Don't you see it?

Lol. Its not gonna be a big change, but you guys will love it. Guaranteed.

2008-10-07T22:34:00.000-07:00

I don't really feel like blogging. I'ma go hop in the shower, wash my hair && shit. I've got a date type situation tomorrow, so I gotta be all extra'd. =] Yall wanna know the details? Yea well, fuck that. Through my own personal experience and observation I've learned that to blog about a perspective relationship is to doom said relationship before it even has a chance to blossom. Leaves too much room for over analysis. So I'm not telling yall shit until something becomes something. And this way, if it doesn't, I don't feel like I have to explain myself to you. Moving on.

Sam && Danny's blogs are officially back open. You have no idea how happy that makes me. I missed the shit out of them. They're both linked, if you wanna be nosy. Hadda one of those semi long random talks with Sam today. I miss those. Where we talk for a decent amount of time about absolutely nothing. Don't you love that? I showed her the upcoming blog layout. I know yall wish I'd stop talking about it and just put it up already. I know you wish that. I know. She likes it. The more I look at it though, the less I like it. The more I think it could be more....I don't know. I feel like for all the time and energy I put into it, it could be better than it is. I'm my own worst critic. When I put it up, comment, & tell me its pretty, yea? Everybody who sees it, comment, && tell me its pretty. That'd just make my day.

I'm itching. I haven't taken pictures in a while. lol yall have no idea the extent of my cam whoreness. I get hella antsy after a little while.

Off topic: My room is a fucking pressure cooker right now. Its so hot. I like the heat though. But I like sauna type heat, this is middle of the desert, dry, anti humidity type heat. Whatever. back on topic.

I'ma take pictures soon. Stay tuned for em & stuff.

Had a long talk with my twin today. Well, technically, we've paused the talk, cus I'ma get in the shower, but we're talking about her boy problems. You wanna know what her problem is? She doesn't know who to choose. She's got like seven dudes waiting around for her to choose them, and she doesn't wanna choose the wrong one, so she's not choosing at all.

I look at her, and I look at me, and I wonder how she's got like twelve people struggling to be in her life, and I'm trippin of tryna catch one. But I know what it is. My twin is so content. She doesn't need much. She just needs a man thats going to try, and thats going to support her while she's trying. Thats all. Its so peaceful, and admirable. I know any relationship she enters into is going to be a steady one, because she's just that kind of person.

Me, on the other hand, I need a boss nigga. lmfao. I need a lot of attention, and a lot of time. I need you to prove to me that you give a shit, all the time, && if you can't, you're cut off. I need text messages in the middle of the day that say "I was just thinking about you." Like some girls are like, oh that'd be nice. No, thats necessary. Without stuff like that, I'd be lost. I'd be wondering what he was doing that had him not thinking about texting me. lol. OKay, I see it clearly now. I'm insecure, & a little psycho. Where as my twin, she's very secure, and very much not psycho. That makes much more sense.

Like I was saying. Shower, wash my hair, watch Dream Girls while I talk to my twin, && then I'm going to bed. Need my beauty rest & stuff.

Night All.
-A.

Revolution.

2008-10-06T22:39:00.001-07:00

You know whats lame? Following your own blog. I think following blogs is gay anyway. lol I mean, in theory. It turns everything into a popularity contest. Oh! I've got five followers && you've got none. Seriously? I don't think thats what bloggings about. Why is it that all websites are getting hella myspace-y? Like, okay, Facebook. I fucking hate Facebook, no doubt about it, but I respected Facebook, for the fact that Facebook was not Myspace. It was nothing like myspace, which made it cool. Then, it went & added all the applications to make it just like Myspace. So now, not only is it irritating, its unoriginal. No points for Facebook.

And has anybody noticed myspace is reaching a new high on the lameness meter? The new myspace music almost had my mom in tears this afternoon. "Ashley! I put the song on, cus, I like it, but now its telling me I can only put on ten songs, and I wanna take it off, but it won't let me!!"

Speaking of MySpace, this girl in my philosophy class tonight didn't know who Sarah Palin was. & we're like, you don't read magazines? The paper? Watch the news? Open Yahoo.com & see her face in the election section? & then my friend Angelica pointed out that MySpace has made it completely socially unacceptable to not know whats going on. There's an election button on Myspace. They stream the debates live. So theres really no reason for you to not be up on your candidates.

I can't vote, so my opinion doesn't matter, but honestly, neither one of em seem to amazing to me.

Moving on. I walked home from school tonight. It took me like an hour. It was beautiful out. In a fall kinda way. A little chilly, but mostly just beautiful. Have I told yall that I love how rain smells? Cus I really do. Picked up some food on my way home, & now I'm watching Flashdance. Well, I've got Flashdance on pause, its like 15 minutes from the end. Whatever.

Another thing that hit me today? There's nothing new about our generation. Step up came out & we freaked the fuck out like that was just our new shit. Have you ever seen Fame? There is nothing new about step up. Nothing at all.

Another thing that was brought up in my philosophy class was how a lot of philosophers struck out to live on their own at age 17. And why it is that the people of the past, who I seriously believe are so much smarter than we are now, did so much on so little, and we, the new generation, do so little with so much? Basically the philosopher we're studying (who's name is French, so I won't bother myself with trying to spell it) says that living with our parents shelters ourselves. Not saying that anything in our lives actually changes. Basically like your parents are a safety net that doesn't actually exist. A placebo, if you will, for your well being. You think you're safer because they're around, when in reality, they can't protect you from anything. He says the moment we strike out on our own, stop taking the sugar pill, we gain new knowledge about ourselves and the worlds around us.

Why do we do what society tells us to when we all so openly hate society? We all hate trends and fads that make us all the same, yet hating the trends has become the trend, so we're right where society wants us, now aren't we? Why doesn't anybody do anything new? Anything different? Anything ground breaking? Anything completely and utterly fucking stupid? Why do we all just do nothing? Sit here in front of our computers, blog about our pasts, our presents, our futures, our hopes, are dreams, all the things we want to do, but we don't ever actually do anything? I'm sick of it. Is it because its never occurred to us to do something different? Be something different? Is it because we don't think we could? Is it fear? What is it, so we can get passed it. This generation is going to make a difference. The question really is, what kind of difference is it going to be.

I don't want to sit in front of a computer anymore and tell yall about what I"m going to do. I want to tell you what I've done. I want to show you where I've been. I honestly wish you all could experience it with me. Wouldn't that be cool? Just like, some people, in a van, on the road, going to anywhere? I want that so much right now.

Blah. I'm rambling.
Bye.

Whoo!!

2008-10-06T00:39:00.001-07:00

Its been a long day of doing absolutely nothing. I'm appropriately tired && ready to take my black ass to bed. To see a movie tomorrow or not to see a movie tomorrow? That is the question...

Downloaded that 'You're Fired' by AdV this evenin. If you haven't yet, you should. Gimme a minute, I'll provide a link [clickit]. Right, like my blog gets soo much traffic that I'm allowed to promote. [/sarcasm] oh! Speaking of traffic, did yall notice my counter? Course you didn't. I'm discreet that way.

Anyway, I brought up the AdV project because one of the songs gave the idea for the finishing touches on the new blog layout. I'm gonna tweak a few more things but I'm pretty sure its done. I just don't want to put it up yet. Its so sick. You guys truly aren't ready. *giggles maniacally*

Sam said she's coming back to blogging!! Danny too. I can't fuck with yall, yall don't blog consistently. Its irritating as fuck.

Speaking of inconsistency, Elmo deleted her blog. =[ she was my only follower. Now my blog is cold and lonely again. Follow me?

Erm. My head has hurt all fucking day. I don't even wanna look at this screen anymore. I'm going to bed.

-A.

Still Just A Tester

2008-10-04T10:47:00.000-07:00

What is it that you should do on the eve of a layoff? What files do you panic to send yourself from the company email that you KNEW you should not use for personal things - such as bashing exes, flirting with the next, downloading music, trashing bosses, and the rest of the thousand inappropriate ways you frittered away your time on the company dime? But, screw 'em. You were loyal to them... and they in turned dumped you like they had a hotter, younger and smarter one waiting in the wings. They don't of course. But you still feel like you gave them the best years of your life. This, is a lie. Not the best - it was a paycheck and not your life's ambition. And yet, you feel like they broke up with you, and, you, in turn look at them incredulously like "YOU are breaking up with ME?"

-Taken from some random blog I stumbled across.

Come visit forreal @ literary.romance@blogspot.com