It's been a long time.

I don't know when I fell in love with him. It's always been impossible. Always been that thing I only wanted so bad cus I couldn't have it. For the longest I'd convinced myself that I wasn't really in love with him, just what I'd made him out to be in my head -- but as time goes on, as I know him longer, I'm not finding any aspects that I don't adore. There's no pet peeves that I have to make excuses for. No matter though. I feel like such an idiot lol. Here I am, pregnant, pushing a good man away because I'm in love with someone who's been in a relationship with the same person for as long as I've known him, who doesn't see me that way at all, and lives about a thousand miles away. And I'm supposed to be the smart one. Psh.

I've kept this fantasy love in the back of my head, in the back of my heart, since it first manifested. It's impossible. Every now and then, it worms it's way to the surface, and I have to write it out so I can go back to functioning normally. So I've done that. But I just can't shake the feeling that it'll always be him for me.