To Whom It May Concern:


I don't know what this is, or where it's coming from. It's never been this bad before. I know, that was shit as explanations go, and a really bad first sentence to anything, but really, let me try to make sense of this. The only reason I can come up with as to why this is so hard for me now is the fact that I'd just set you up on the pedastle of impossibility from the moment I'd met you. Sure, I wanted you, but you were with her, and that was that. I hated on your relationship, but in the same knowledgeless spectating way that you hate on famous people's relationships. Without having any idea what's really going on with the two if you. I made my judgements without knowing if she was really good for you, or if you were really good for her, I just knew that, in the same way I want Trey Songz, I want you. And that worked for me, keeping you at that impossible level. I could compartmentalize better that way. I could speak to you without feeling like this. I could think about you without feeling like this. And, yes, while a secret part of me still got butterflies when we spoke, I could keep it under control. It was managable.


The problem is that one night, you very calmly took yourself off the pedastle of impossibility. You strolled down into my world, human, flawed, horny, and most importantly, without her. And the walls that had been holding me together came down. And now all I can do is try to run and catch the emotion and gather it all back, and hold it while I try to put the walls back up. And it's not working. Every day a bit more of that emotion runs out into the daylight and it's glaring and obvious and I'm sure you and the rest of the world knows, but there's nothing I can do but try to get the walls back up. Some nights, I speak to you and I'm angry, just angry at the fact that I won't even get the opportunity to explore what could be. Other nights I have yo berate myself to keep from crying. I want to know why it can't just be me. Why can't it just be me? Pathetic, I know. But it haunts me at the strangest hours. And other nights, like tonight, I start off angry, and then I want to cry. And then I'm just tired. And I just can't fight anymore, and I can't remember why I'm building these walls or keeping these emotions in check. And I wonder how I got this way. How I let it get this far. And I kick my stupid heart for being silly, because I'm aware that in the best of circumstances, this would probably never work. And in these much less than perfect circumstances, the most likely possibility is that I'm going to lose a very good friend.


In any event, I'm sorry for the mass of emotion I just dumped on you. I'm sorry for bring crazy and attaching myself so easily. I'm sorry for making the awkward. I wish there was some way for me to fix it, but I honestly don't have the energy to try anymore.