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I want my bathroom back. I want my living room back. I want to go back to eating junk food, because your bribery gourmet cooking makes me want to puke. I want to go back to only having one prepubescent child in the house, because I have no obligations to your fucking four year old son, and the next time he gets bored and asks me for something to do I'm going to tell him to go see what an outlet tastes like. I want to go back to not having to have on pants to go from my room to the bathroom. I want to be able to walk into my house after work and turn on the kitchen light without feeling like an asshole because you're asleep in the living room. I want to be able to talk shit about you in my own damn house, which I can't do, because you're live here. I want to continue happily pretending you never fucking existed. I want to not have to listen to your criticisms on EVERYTHING. I want to not have to listen to your sarcasm regarding me and the way I live my life (uhm, cus YOU'RE doing so great at life YOU and YOUR CHILD have to sleep on MY COUCH. Choke on it, dude, really).

Like, I'm beyond sick of this situation. Ugh.

I'm envious of girls born with fathers to tell them how beautiful they are. They grow up knowing, believing, and so when they're told by others, their "thank you" is one of gracious modesty. It's all a game to them. There was no great compliment spoken, just a statement of fact.

The only person to tell me was my mother. And I always believed she told me more to make me feel better, and less because it was true. Like when I slept on the bottom bunk, she told me spiders stayed on the ceilings, and when I slept on the top bunk, she told me they stayed on the floors. Beautiful was a goal for me. Not something I was, but something I could be, maybe, if I prayed, and brushed my teeth every day.

And then I thought beauty was clear skin. And then I thought beauty was long hair. And then I thought beauty was straight teeth. And I had none of those things, so I couldn't be beautiful.

And then I thought beauty was big breasts. And then I thought beauty was being light skinned, like my mother. And then I thought beauty was being care free, like my little sister. And I had none of those things, so I couldn't be beautiful.

It's my struggle, to wake up every day and feel like I'm competing. To not see any beauty in myself, no matter how hard I try. To wonder why I'm still trying, when nobody cares. It's a struggle for me.

I look in the mirror sometimes, and tell myself I'm beautiful. I feel like I'm lying. That's not the way it's supposed to be.

Hey blogger. I know, I know, I've been AWOL. Life's been crazy. New job. Busy, busy, busy. 40 hrs a week and things of the nature. I'm pleased with the job, and the people. I mean, on the first day, our trainer was like, "the call center is a lot like high school." I failed miserably at high school, so hopefully this will be better.

I could lie and say I haven't been blogging because I haven't had much to blog about, but that's probably a lie. I'm kind of like starting this whole new stage of my life. I'm shopping more. Which, I know sounds kind of trivial, but really, that's major for me. I'm going to change my hair this month or next month probably. Weave, or at least some tracks. I'm going to see about my braces in October when my insurance kicks in. I'm going to get new frames for my glasses around the same time. My drivers permit expired, so I'm going to get another one, and then mom's gonna go half on driving school so I can hurry up and get my license, and I'm saving for a car. I'm thinking about signing up for a self defense class, half because I'm in terrible shape, and half because I only have a theoretical idea as to how to defend myself if anything were to ever go wrong. I'm also going to sign up for an SAT prep course, so I can take that damn thing, and then I plan on applying to colleges for real this year.

I'm also involved. I'm not in a relationship, technically, but I'm very much involved. You've heard me talk about him before. He's the kind I have to write poems about. I don't know about him really. I adore him, but I honestly don't know if it's adoration because I've found someone worth adoring, or adoration because I haven't adored someone in so long I just wanted to see if I was still capable. Sometimes we're not compatible. He's been hurt before, and I kind of feel like he's not over that, and so I'm taking the blame for whatever's in his past. And then I kind of feel like he's not trying to get over it, like thats just the way he's decided to be, and that's not fair to me, yenno? But, eh. I mean, I've been hurt before, probably worse than him. I just bounce back faster, and know better than to take it out on the next person. I don't blame him for the way he is though. He's his own person. We're just feeling it out.

I decided not to get my tattoo. Why? Cus I was at the nail shop with my mom, and we were talking about the tattoo parlor, because she was going to drive me down there to get a quote, and the nail lady (Ms. Gracie, who is actually probably more of an honorary aunt than just "the nail lady"), pulls out a bible and directs me to the scripture that very literally says "don't get tattoos" (Leviticus 19:28 "Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor print any marks upon you: I am the LORD") Yeah, like, in a real way. Jesus said no tattoos. I can't very well go to the tattoo parlor and get the tattoo knowing good and well Jesus told me not to. That's just disobedient. I mean, I do enough stuff Jesus tells me not to every day. I don't need to go adding insult to injury.

I'm trying to think of anything else I wanted to talk about. Not really. Job? Check. Weave? Check. Braces? Check. Glasses? Check. Boo? Check. License? Check. Self defense? Check. Sat & college stuff? Check. Tattoo? Check. Okay then. So I think I'm done. Well, no, there's more, but I don't really want to get into it now. This is long enough.

Anyway, if you were for any reaason, wondering what's going on in my life, that's it.
Till next time: Positive energy, high hopes, & love♥;