I don't think this is going to work. I can't handle the emotional distance. I know I said I could and I thought I could but I can't. I tried though. I still want to be your friend. I want you in my life as much as possible. I just can't put up with feeling like I'm not important enough for your time. I know you don't mean to make me feel that way. It's silly of me, and I try to ignore it, but it's still the way I feel. I know you're busy, I understand and respect that. I admire what you do. I wish you the best and if you ever need anything, I'll do what I can to help you. I hope you know that. I don't think either you or I are in the place right now, to make this work, and i can't keep putting all this emotion into you, knowing I'm not going to get it back. I should've known better than to get all emotional in the first place, that's my fault, and I'll deal with it. I guess what I'm the most afraid of is that I'm not sure if we'll be able to be friends now. That would hurt me, if we couldn't be. I'm not going to ramble. I'm just going to say that I don't want to end this, whatever this is that we're doing, but I can't see any other way. If you've got any suggestions, let me know.

XOXO
-A.

I actually sent that. And he read it. And responded. And now we're trying to talk. Like, yenno, as friends. It's awkward. On one hand I want to take it back. Maybe I was too quick on the draw (disregarding that I've felt like this for months), maybe I should've tried harder. I keep thinking I could've done something. That's a thing I do (that I'll talk about like, a paragraph from now). On the other hand, I'm proud of myself. I said it. I did it. I didn't have someone do it for me. I didn't pretend I didn't feel it (for too long, anyway), I told him. And I kinda want to think that I should feel better. But I know that I'm not going to.

You see, I've got this way of taking things so personally. If something I'm involved with doesn't work out, it's my fault. I could've worked harder. There was something more I should've done. There's some trick I was too lazy to try. I'm like this with everything. So nevermind that maybe we aren't right for each other, or maybe it's just the wrong time. It didn't work. It's my fault. My heart hurts. It's ridiculous. I know.

Be prepared for the poetry blog to flood with all things melancholy and rhyming. That's just the place I'm in right now.

He told me from jump he was busy. On top of that, he told me he was emotionally distant. I told him I could handle it. He asked me if I was sure. I told him I wasn't, but I could try.

He never said he'd try.

And here I am, with my feelings hurt, wondering why I'm giving so much and he's giving nothing. Just like those whiny females I hate, and talk shit about all the time.

Because he never said he'd compromise for me. He never said he'd sacrifice for me. And he shouldn't have to. I offered to compromise. I offered to sacrifice. That's exactly what's happening. And if I can't handle that, I should just (wo)man up and let it go.

The difference between me and the whiny females I hate and talk shit about all the time, is that I'm not mad he's not trying. I'm not trying to make him change. I mean, I do think he could try, and I do think it'd do him good to change, but it's not about him. I'm mad I agreed to some shit that I couldn't handle, knowing I couldn't handle it, just hoping somehow it'd work out.

I'm not holding out on the hope he'll change. I'm holding out on the hope that I will. That maybe I can be stronger than I have been, and need less, and then it'll work.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

So, there was a fiasco. Wanna hear it? Here it goes:

A couple days ago I wrote a poem, I posted it on my tumblr. When I came to post it on my poetry blog, I was informed that my blogs had been disabled. Both of them. Well, technically I'm a cocontributer on like twelve, but the point is, I couldn't access any of them! I was beyond sad. I'm emailing blogger and google all willy nilly, trying not to cry and things of the nature, because, well yenno, my shit was gone!

So google emails me back and says they're sorry but they're not sure that I am who I say I am and I own the accounts I say I own so they can't reinstate my blogs. I really did cry for about six minutes after I got that email. I kept the email open for like two days.

Anyway, the whole time, the part of me that was in denial kept refreshing the page that my blog should've been on, hoping that it would magically come back, and one day, it did!! I don't know how it happened. I'm not asking a multitude of questions about it. I'm just taking advantage of this space I have to breathe. Being on tumblr exclusively for a few days has most definitely shown me how lucky I am to have this blog.

See, on tumblr, everything you say is open for debate. Everything can be a conversation starter. That damn reblog button is ruining people, I promise. But here? I can ramble. I can be deep, or insightful, or insecure, and its fine. I can just write without the stigma of "what if my tumblarity drops" or "what if someone decides to debate me on this." It's lovely. And I remember now why when the masses fled to Tumblr, I stayed on blogspot. And I hope I'll remain this unknown when thte masses come back, as it's becoming inevitable that they will.

Till next time: Positive energy, high hopes, love♥;