My mom is into those relationship ads people put on Craigslist. One day, she was browsing them, and she ran across this black man, who claimed he didn't date black women because he thought they were crazy, and he had a daughter by a white woman, so what would it say to her if he started dating black women now?

I admit, I suffer from the typical "another good one lost" syndrome when I see a fine black man with a white woman. But I've noticed, that that's only since I've moved up here. Oregon is less then 10% African American. There are no black people here, and so it irritates me to no end to see that black men won't even date black women, because they've been so brain washed, falling for what "beauty" is, in the media's eyes. White women with blond hair and blue eyes. The shit's not fair.

You know why they say they don't want to date black women? Answers I've actually heard? We're ugly. Crazy. Disgusting. What am I supposed to say to that? What am I supposed to do with that? That's why I don't date up here. I don't discriminate. I've dated white guys, hispanic guys, asian guys, but there's nothing more beautiful to me than a black man.

So what am I supposed to do when black men call me disgusting without having ever met me? I get pissed off. I know there are probably more rational responses, but that's the first one that comes up.

But, what would you expect, I'm a crazy, emotional, black woman.

In other news, my second interview with Wells Fargo is on Thursday afternoon. I'm madd pumped about that. I get to go shopping for it tomorrow. I'm even more excited for that. It hit 109 today. Which is absolutely infuckingsane, because I live in Oregon. It rains 8.5 months out of the year here. For it to be in the triple digits at all is insanity.

I didn't really have anything to blog about. I'm done. But erm

Till Next Time: Positive energy, high hopes, & love♥;

Hey guise!

Lmao, I love how I talk like somebody reads this shit anymore. Sorry I haven't been posting regular, tumblr's got all my attention. I'm not good at like....tumblring though. That shit requires skill. A skill. A small, inconsequential skill, that I don't have, and am pretty sure I don't wanna have.

I'm much better at blogging.

And you know what's weird? That everybody says that like tumblr because it's more than twitter but less than blogger, but then they get mad when nobody listens to anything they have to say. Like, my nigga you don't even wanna listen to the shit you have to say. I hate when niggas post long entries on tumblr, and then apologize multiple times, or preface it with some "I know you're not gonna read this" type stuff. Like stop! You should expect that from people. Start expecting it. Is whatever you have to say so trivial that you don't think the people that follow you will read it? Step up the standards for the people that you associate with, and who you allow to associate with you. Write what you feel, and if somebody unfollows you for that, good. You've got that out of the way, move on. Now you know who's really listening when you talk.

I guess that's the generation we're living in though. People don't take themselves seriously enough. Like, people get mad at me, because they think I take things too seriously, but that's actually not the case. I listen to what people say, and I take that as what they mean. If you're a female, and you're calling yourself a bitch every other minute, you don't get to be upset when somebody calls you a bitch. Females all like: "A bitch needs some new clothes." "A bitch needs a new man" but if I tell you a bitch needs to shut up, I'm wrong. Aight then, bitch, whatever.

People don't think their own words have power anymore. They don't think people are listening to the shit they say. So they just talk, at random, just bullshit. But heaven forbid somebody call them on it. Then it's "Ashley, why you gotta take everything so seriously all the time? I was just joking!" Okay. I get it. So I'm supposed to ignore everything you say that sounds serious. Because you're joking. All the time. Got it.

But now you're feelings are hurt because something terrible has happened to you and you're mad, because nobody's taking you seriously.

Bitches need to get their shit together.

Which is TOTALLY not what I came to blog about. I be off on tangents in this bitch. Anyway!

I'm pumped!! I've got an interview tomorrow afternoon with Wells Fargo's collection agency. My nigga if I get this job!! We're talking 11.25/hr 40hrs a week guaranteed. My Jesus. Realize that I'm currently working (3) part time minimum wage jobs. No more! No, sir, massah. I will be making official, legal, government taxed money. It'll be like my first "real" job & shit. And my mom can no longer say I'm not doing anything with my life. In other news,

I've got a person (Person = Below a boyfriend, but above a boo). & I think I love this nigga. I keep wanting to tell him that but....too soon. I know. So I'm just gonna, yenno, shut up for a while on that. Cus really? This niggas not even a boyfriend. How dare I tell him anything more than I like him? That shits ridiculous. I'll lose my player card for some shit like that. Speaking of which,

I've got a date tomorrow evening. Not with the person though, obviously.

I think that's gonna be all for now. I'll let y'all know how the interview goes. And how the date goes. And how....life....goes. Yeah, cus that is the whole purpose of the blog, ain't it?

Till next time: Positive energy, high hopes, & love♥;

At this point, I understand that I only continue to involve myself with you because of my own foolish pride. I told you once, at a very early stage in our....whatever this is, that there was no such thing as opening up too slowly when it came to emotions. I told you that as long as you were trying, everything would work out, and you should never let a female make you feel guilty for not being as open with your emotions as they would have you be.

Now, I don't know if you're trying or not. It doesn't seem like you are, but, it'd be unfair of me to make that assumption, so I'm just going to say I don't know. I hope you are. I hope that this is a priority to you, being able to communicate with people emotionally. I don't think it is, but I hope it is, and I hope you're trying to fix it.

In any event, I feel like if I were to leave you alone, because you're not emotionally open enough for me, that'd be hypocritical. I also feel like you wouldn't take my advice. You'd start thinking there was something wrong with you and never try to open up again. I understand I may be giving myself a little bit too much credit right now, but it is the way that I feel.

And so, I continue to talk to you, or to try, anyway, even though there's no gain for me, because I hope that it can be something good for you. Meanwhile, I go get something for me somewhere else, and keep any thoughts of the "r" word with you at a distance, because then I would be cheating.

You know you're not the only person I talk to. He knows about you. And yet I still manage to feel guilty. And this whole thing is pretty retarded, when I think about it. I should probably just leave you alone.

But in typical female fashion, I pray that you'll change, that overnight you'll magically transform into the perfect man, so we can commence with our happily ever after. You know the one. The one that happens in all the movies, the one that's completely impractical, yet somehow always manages to work anyway. That's what I'm waiting for.

Looking at all that with a critical eye, I'm forced to ask myself who it's benefitting though, really. It's not fair to you, it's not fair to me, and it's not fair to him. So what on earth is the point?

Erm, so there's two guys I talk to. And, I'm actually not the type to be as into multiple people as I am into the two of them. I'm conflicted about it, like it's really bothering me. Right now, I'm on the phone with one and texting the other. And like, I don't know. It's kind of irritating.

The issue is that, I'm finally starting to recognize number two as a viable option. For the longest (I've known him for two years) I've just been like, oh yeah, that's Dre. He's always been into me, and I've always....idk, allowed him to be into me. Like, I fed it just enough that he'd stay around, but it was no more or less than that. Now, I'm really looking at him, and the other dude I talk to, and I'm trying to force myself to make a decision.

And I wish that these weren't both long distance relationships, because if I could just like....date the two of them, it'd be madd easier, don't you think. I kinda wanna take a trip out to visit both of them, go on a date with each, and then come home and think about it. Like an audition. One lives in Brooklyn, the other in Ft. Wayne, Indiana.

I think I should challenge them. Like, I should make it a competition. But I wouldn't do that, because it's kinda childish, and I'm pretty sure one of em would just be like, "nah, I'm good, if you want old dude, do what you do." I can hear that clear as day, actually.

I'm on the phone with one of these niggas right now, by the way. We're not talking, because....I don't talk on the phone. So, I swear this nigga called just to hear me breathe. Lmao, anyway.

Good morning/night.

Temper tantrums are never good for the first page of blogger, lol. We save those for the second page, once we've gotten to know each other a little better.

You wanna talk about last night? Lets talk about last night.

If I was the type that got hangovers, I would have a hangover right now. Thank God I'm not, but sometimes I wish I was, 'cause I think one good hangover one time would get me to stop drinking so much. Like, I was texting Davon, & he asked me why I drink so much? Why must I get drunk every time? When he asked me, I was drunk, so I'm thinking this shit makes perfect sense:

"Cus it takes a lot for me to feel it. & I figure if I'm not gonna feel it, then what's the point of drinking in the first place?"

& I mean, in a way, it still does kinda make sense, but at the same time, if it makes so much sense, why doesn't everybody drink just to get drunk? Like, people all over the world just have one glass of wine at dinner. I wouldn't even take a glass of wine at dinner. I'd think it was stupid. Wine and champagne both irritate the shit out of me, I only drink hard liquor, which is a bit of a digression, anyway...

I think this might be something I might have to work on. But at the same time, I feel like I'm entitled to it. I've NEVER drunk this much in such a close period of time. Like, last time I was drunk was June 20th, & this is like 2 weeks later that I'm drinking again, so I don't see how gives me a problem. Before June 20th, I hadn't been drunk since last summer.

I'm gonna end this blog now, cus it's rambly and irritating me, but I kinda wanna post the stats lmfao.

June 20th I had: A personal bottle of Jack Daniels, a personal bottle of grey goose in Cranberry juice, and like four shots of E&J, & A Bacardi & Lemonade before we left the house.

Last night I had: 4 shots of Vodka (in stupidly rapid succession), & then 2 shots of coconut rum, followed by a glass of coconut rum with Dr. Pepper (which is the single most delicious shit you've never tried). OH! And two wine coolers, but those shits don't even count anymore, cus they taste like koolaid.

Looking at it, it looks like a lot. More last time than this time though.

Well dammit.

See, it's interesting, because this evening, I was gonna let you off the hook. I'm not meant for long distance shit, and I've told every nigga I've ever messed with before that he couldn't expect a faithful relationship from me, with us living in two entirely different states & shit. I need too much attention. Attention that you can't give. And that shit is so obvious, like honestly, I don't even know why I was trying to pretend like it would be any different with you. That's a testament to how much I adore you. Not only would it be hard as hell for me, because of the distance, and my natural tendency to flirt, coupled with my need to be close to people, but it wouldn't even occur to you to make it easier for me, to even remind me of your presence in your life. You would just keep doing you and expect me to sit around and wait. Which would be fine, if it wasn't long distance, but since it is, that's the easiest way to get your ass cheated on.

And I'm seeing this, as clear as day I'm seeing that this is exactly the way it's gonna go. So I was gonna let you off the hook. Let's just be friends. That way, you won't feel obligated to speak to me. That way, I won't be obligated to not flirt with other people. That way, I can keep you in my life, and you can keep me in yours, but on a less demanding basis, and if we ever meet, well we can take it from there, on good terms. That's what I was going to do tonight.

You were at a party when I got off work. I asked you to hit me up when you got home. It was a win/win, cus it gave me time to figure out how in the fuck I was gonna word this shit in the first place. I'd have liked it to sound more logical and rational, and less bitchy and temper tantrum-ish, which is what it's coming off as now, I'm sure.

You're home now. But you haven't hit me up. Not through any of the multiple forms of communication we have. I know you're home, 'cause you're on twitter, tinychatting with your lil buddies. Great. Why won't I just hit you up? Why should I? You obviously don't want to speak to me, or you would, so nevermind. You go do you. That's fine.

And that hook I was going to let you off of? Well, it's apparent you never gave a shit about the hook anyway, so let's just pretend that bitch was never even there, how bout that?

The cold part is, by the time you do get around to hitting me up, I'ma pretend like I don't even feel like this. Ain't that bout a gotdamn bitch?

I was going to write this extra long pity blog, but I don't see the purpose. I'm not in a happy place right now. I suppose that's all you need to know. I may write some more after I've updated this blog layout, cus its mad bright, and bothering me.

Edit* Layout's done. I feel better. So, I'm extra hormonal, and that's the reason for my emotional distress right now. Logically, I know that, but it doesn't make me feel any better.

I deleted my tumblr a few minutes ago. Probably an irrational thing to do. Ehh. I'm irrational sometimes, that's something you should know about me.

I'm thirsty. So this is the end. Till next time

High hopes, positive energy, & love ♥;

I don't like it when my brother goes to visit his father. I don't like it at all. Not even on weekends. If you know me well, you know I have issue's with his father (who's name is Karl), and that I raised my little brother for the majority of his younger life (like 0-4). It feels like I"m sending my own child off to slaughter when I send him out there.

The feeling is completely irrational, of course, Karl's never done anything wrong to Jon, or any of his biological children. He loves them. He's perfect with them. Jon loves his dad, and I don't want to mess that up with my personal issues. Idk it just...it makes me nervous to have him out there.

Anyway, normally he goes for a week or two during the summer. During that week I try to stay as busy as possible, so I don't think about where he is. This summer he's going for a month. An entire month. Like, I know you guys don't get it, it probably seems like I just have some retarded attachment to my little brother, but...

Nevermind. This blog is so purposeless, cus it's not even making me feel any better, I'm just working myself up more. I think I'm just gonna go to sleep.

=[