My mom used to be abusive. It happened. It's over. It drastically changed the dynamic of our relationship. I get away with things that other children can't, because my mother still feels guilty. It also changed the way I treat people, the way I deal with people. Your mother is supposed to be your first true example of real, unconditional love. Mine was beating the shit out of me. It was confusing, as I'm sure you can imagine.

That confusion stayed with me for a long time. I was fifteen before I realized that the reason I was drawn to men that treated me like shit, and the reason I was convinced I was in love with these men, was because that was the image I had of love. Someone who did you wrong, but hugged you and told you they loved you after. I couldn't trust good men, the ones you said they'd never do me wrong. I didn't believe them. Everyone that loved me, hurt me, so these niggas had to be full of shit, right?

Yeah, I figured it out at fifteen, but I couldn't break the cycle. I couldn't have a man that was too nice, he couldn't be soft, he couldn't be lenient. I needed a father, I see that now, but then, I needed a man with, what we would now call "swag", I still look for that in a man. That little push, almost bordering on cruelty but with enough of a playful edge that I can pretend I'm not being disrespected. I went looking for that, and I figured the perfect way to find it. I became as disrespectful as I could. All I wanted was somebody who would shut me up, but no one did. I've got a slick mouth when I choose to use it. I embarrased people. I slapped the shit outta dudes half a foot taller than me cus I felt like it. Nobody stood up to me. I was looking for the one that would.

Bruce stayed around so long because he almost fit that criteria. Almost. He wouldn't let me play him. In public. He'd act real big and bad around people. However, he would let me play him in private, and he let me kick his emotions around all over the place. I'd see a cute dude in the mall and be like, "we're gonna have to not be together for a minute," and then go get his number and come back. And he tolerated that. Ain't it sad? I know, I know, it's worse that I did it. But, I don't know. If someone's going to allow me to fuck with them, I'ma do it. And he did, for three years. We didn't stop talking because he stopped letting me fuck with him, we stopped talking because it stopped being fun for me. Like, who wants a man in their life with absolutely no backbone?

Summer 2007 I got played. However, the stakes of the game were higher than I anticipated. I got everything taken from me. Heartbreak I can deal with. This was more like bankruptcy. I don't want to talk about that in too much detail, but it turned a light on for me.

I still don't know what love is. My vision of it has been obscured by past relationships, but I want it. I think, when I find it, it'll be something like a partnership, like having a best friend that I also have an overwhelming desire to sleep with. Lmao, ignore that last. I wrote this blog because I felt like I had to. And I guess I do feel a little better. I didn't get into the sex aspect as much as I wanted but, I guess another blog for another time? If I continue blogging, that is.

Meh.

Till next time: Positive energy, high hopes, love♥;