I honestly feel like getting rid of every fucking body in my life right now. Except twin. I mean, this is a normal thing for me. Once the novelty wears off, I could give a goddamn, really. I don't want to talk to you. I don't want to hear about your day. I don't want to tell you about mine. I don't to exchange witty banter with you. You can go to hell. Right now is not the right time to play the random question game with me, or ask me to do you a favor. If you are insecure about ANYTHING, right now is not the right time to come to me to calm your frazzled nerves.

Yes, your ass looks fat in that dress.
Yes, your tracks are showing.
Yes, she's probably cheating on you.
Yes, this will happen in every relationship you'll ever be in.
No, it's not your significant other, it's you.
No, things won't get better.
No, people don't change.
No, the third time is not the fucking charm.
Yes, fucking his best friend will make you feel better.
As will slitting your wrists afterward.
Are we finished?
Get the fuck away from me.

But because I know this is a stage I go through, a completely personal problem, I don't ignore people when they talk to me (I won't start a conversation with you, but I'll allow you to talk to me). Then, I get irritated with them, because they're talking to me, and it just turns into a lot of resentment, which makes me want, even more, for them to stop talking to me.

Right about now, my acquaintances are my best friends, because those muhfuckas know when to GO THE HELL AWAY.

Yes, I'm aware I'm unstable.

kthxbye.

I'm so mad I hit the enter button, and so that shit posted, with no content, just the damn title. Which perfectly corresponds with the title, cus that really is some shit that would happen when you let me stay awake too long.

It's 3:20am. My alarm clock goes off in less than three hours, and, as is the rule, I'ma turn that bitch off and go back to sleep. If I ever get to sleep. Anyway.

Hi! I'm Ashley, and I'm going to regale you with some interesting facts about myself.

I'm almost 100% certain nobody reads this anymore, so I write this for my own entertainment.

I'm an attention whore. Like to the fullest. I want your attention. All the time. Like, come see about me. However, I have no desire to do anything to be attention getting. Like, that shit takes too much work. So basically, I want to sit in my room, and be lazy as shit, and still have you care about what it is that I'm doing, even though I've been doing the same nothing since you met me. It's a contradiction, I'm aware. Thanks.

The reason I don't let people in is because I don't actually like people. I mean, they're madd entertaining to have around, for when I feel like laughing at somebody, or don't want to go see a movie by myself or some shit like that, but in all actuality, most of the time I want y'all to go away. See, once people get all into your life and emotions and stuff, they feel all extra entitled to ignore you when you say stuff like, I don't want to be bothered. That whole "I'm your friend so I don't give a fuck if you don't want to be bothered, I want to know what's wrong." That'll get your ass kicked, fuckin around with me. Ion care. That's why the creation of internet friends was so bomb for me. I love y'all. I talk to you when I feel like it. And when I don't feel like it, I don't, and you're okay with that. A beautiful thing, internet friends are.

99% of the time, I'm mad at myself. Like, really. Why? You might ask. Because, well, and I mean this in no conceited way, but like, no! I've got the perfect analogy. I'm like the Los Angeles Lakers. I've got all the potential to be the fucking shit. Like, I've got skills, shit other people don't even...man, it's crazy. Problem is, I know that. So I don't be feeling the need to.....ya know, try? Like most people do. It took me five years to get out of high school. That shit is gonna haunt me for the rest of my life. Why did it take me five years to gradaute high school? Cus I knew I could do the shit, so it didn't really occur to me that it might take, i don't know, like, effort, or some shit. I'm like that with everything. The more confident I am that I can do something, the less effort I put into doing it. I can sing. Dammit, y'all I swear I can sing. So, why are all my youtube videos shitty? And I'm mad, because people think some of the ones that're up now are good. How fucking dare you? All of those are awful. I'm better than that shit. And yeah, I've got a studio quality mic. My mom spent 1000 on Logic Pro 7. LOGIC PRO 7, people. Like, niggas would KILL for Logic Pro 7. I never use it. I think I deleted it. Oops? I'm awful. It upsets me. I want to be better. But I guess the pain to change hasn't become as great as the pain of staying the same? Who said that? Cus I use it all the time, and I"m pretty sure I didn't come up with that.

I'm so sick of....myself though. Like, I'm so sick of being this person that I am, and seeing this person that I want to be, and having them be so drastically far away from each other. I don't know. Maybe the pain of saying the same has become as great as the pain of changing, because this shit is hurting my heart. It gets to the point where I don't even want to introduce myself to people anymore. I don't even want to talk. Because I don't feel like I have anything to offer. I'm 50% percent sarcasm and 50% hot air. Like, there's nothing to me. At least, that's what I feel like sometimes.

But that's not true. 'Cause there is. There's so much. And basically I just want to prove that I'm not a waste of space, and be a productive member of the planet and shit, but I've spent so much time slacking off, basking in the essence of my potential greatness, that the greatness has remained potential, and in reality, I'm just another Ashley, commonly confused with every other Ashley you know, and unable to break out of the mold, because I don't even know where to start now. That had to be a run on sentence. My brain is working like it's on speed right now, for the record, this is how I get at quarter to four in the morning.

I have insomnia. The actual kind, not the "oh, I have the ability to stay awake later than two am so I must have a disorder" kind. I fucking hate people with fake insomnia. Off subject though. Let's start that paragraph over.

I have insomnia, and sometimes I feel like it's a blessing in disguise. When everyone else is asleep, I'm awake, which gives me more time to catch up to where other people my age are.

I just had a revalation. I don't talk to one single person that's my age. No, scratch, I talk to twin. That's it. Everybody else I talk to is older than me. So let me correct.

When everyone else is asleep, I'm awake, which gives me more time to catch up to where the people I talk to are. I'm made to do big things, and I really think it's about time I started doing them.

I know I've said this before, and I've tried before, but I think the problem is I've tried to start being perfect at everything at once, and it just doesn't work that way for me, so I'm going to have to take this one step at a time.

I think step one will be being responsible enoug to at least try to go to sleep, so that I can be semi halfway useful at work in the morning.

And somewhere along the line, this turned into a blog of substance. Who'da thunk?

Till next time: Positive energy, high hopes, and love♥;

PS: This is what I meant to post in this blog. I wasn't supposed to say anything after that. I fucking know, right? I'm a disaster once I start talking.....

New layout. Bright as shit, ain't it? Ion curr. lmao, I like it. I'm in kind of something like a good mood. Can't figure why, but I'm not trying to mess with it. You know, how you start over thinking about why you're so happy when you have so much to be sad about, and then you end up sad? I know somebody's done that before. Yeah, it irritates me. So, we're going to skip it.

Question: So, Ashley, what have you come to blog about today? Answer: Not a damn thing. This is the obligatory, "I just changed my blog layout so now I've gotta post something" post. Y'all know the one. But I really don't have much to say.

I'm keeping the iPhone, I don't know if I informed you, the blog readers, of that decision. However, I'm not upgrading to the 3g this month like I thought I was. I'm not paying for the new phone, my godfather is, so I figure I'll give him time to save up for the new one that drops this summer, and then I'll just upgrade to that. Yup, that's the plan.

Erm....is the music on the music player playing? Somebody tell me. Oh shit! I forgot to add the comment link to this layout. I'll do that when I'm done. How i'ma tell you to comment me and there's no comment button? Lame.

Anyway. I'm gonna go take a nap, or watch a movie I've seen a million times, or something, cus I really don't feel like being active in the real world right now. I hope y'all are having a blessed day, I hope the mothers had lovely mother's days and that the children were good to their mothers on mother's day.

Till Next Time: Positive energy, high hopes, & love♥;

My mom used to be abusive. It happened. It's over. It drastically changed the dynamic of our relationship. I get away with things that other children can't, because my mother still feels guilty. It also changed the way I treat people, the way I deal with people. Your mother is supposed to be your first true example of real, unconditional love. Mine was beating the shit out of me. It was confusing, as I'm sure you can imagine.

That confusion stayed with me for a long time. I was fifteen before I realized that the reason I was drawn to men that treated me like shit, and the reason I was convinced I was in love with these men, was because that was the image I had of love. Someone who did you wrong, but hugged you and told you they loved you after. I couldn't trust good men, the ones you said they'd never do me wrong. I didn't believe them. Everyone that loved me, hurt me, so these niggas had to be full of shit, right?

Yeah, I figured it out at fifteen, but I couldn't break the cycle. I couldn't have a man that was too nice, he couldn't be soft, he couldn't be lenient. I needed a father, I see that now, but then, I needed a man with, what we would now call "swag", I still look for that in a man. That little push, almost bordering on cruelty but with enough of a playful edge that I can pretend I'm not being disrespected. I went looking for that, and I figured the perfect way to find it. I became as disrespectful as I could. All I wanted was somebody who would shut me up, but no one did. I've got a slick mouth when I choose to use it. I embarrased people. I slapped the shit outta dudes half a foot taller than me cus I felt like it. Nobody stood up to me. I was looking for the one that would.

Bruce stayed around so long because he almost fit that criteria. Almost. He wouldn't let me play him. In public. He'd act real big and bad around people. However, he would let me play him in private, and he let me kick his emotions around all over the place. I'd see a cute dude in the mall and be like, "we're gonna have to not be together for a minute," and then go get his number and come back. And he tolerated that. Ain't it sad? I know, I know, it's worse that I did it. But, I don't know. If someone's going to allow me to fuck with them, I'ma do it. And he did, for three years. We didn't stop talking because he stopped letting me fuck with him, we stopped talking because it stopped being fun for me. Like, who wants a man in their life with absolutely no backbone?

Summer 2007 I got played. However, the stakes of the game were higher than I anticipated. I got everything taken from me. Heartbreak I can deal with. This was more like bankruptcy. I don't want to talk about that in too much detail, but it turned a light on for me.

I still don't know what love is. My vision of it has been obscured by past relationships, but I want it. I think, when I find it, it'll be something like a partnership, like having a best friend that I also have an overwhelming desire to sleep with. Lmao, ignore that last. I wrote this blog because I felt like I had to. And I guess I do feel a little better. I didn't get into the sex aspect as much as I wanted but, I guess another blog for another time? If I continue blogging, that is.

Meh.

Till next time: Positive energy, high hopes, love♥;