"There is little more brave than an honest, personal blogger with no apologies." -Dori (I found out today, her name is actually Dorinae. How cute is that?! lol Hi, Dori)

I am....

sometimes clingy, a lot of the times overemotional, sensitive, and scared of anything that makes me feel too much. Feelings scare the shit out of me, and I have a lot of them, so I spend a lot of my time scared. I'm a little insecure. Not to the point of being psycho, like some females I know, but it's there. And if I value your opinion, and you insult me? I take that to heart. Don't tell me to shake it off. Don't tell me to grow up. Don't tell me to get over it. That's not what I need to hear. Tell me it's okay, and that I've got nothing to worry about. Tell me you'll protect me. What you see is not what you get when it comes to me. I'm a multifaceted individual. People that are transparent are generally one of three things 1) stupid 2) overconfident 3) hiding something. Sometimes, you'll get some fucked mixture of the three. I've been hurt. I don't want to be that girl that's so jaded from her past that she doesn't want to try again, but sometimes, that girl is all I know how to be. I'm not an open book. I am, however, a book, and if you take the time to open me, to read me, to pay a little bit of attention, I'll be everything you need me to be, to the best of my ability, in any case. I don't always make the right decisions. I don't always say the right things. I require patience, firm rules, and boundaries. Sometimes, I try so hard not to let people see the naturally rude part of me, that I come off as fake. Other times, I try so hard not to come off as fake, that I come off as rude. I haven't found the happy medium yet. I'm still looking. I talk a lot, all the time. If I'm not talking, it's because I'm afraid you don't want to hear it. Encourage me. I cry easily. It doesn't always mean I'm sad. Sometimes, it just means I'm nervous, and I need a hug, lol. I need a lot. I know that. I own that. I'm not ashamed. To be a part of my life takes work, and I don't fault anyone who doesn't want that, or doesn't have time for it. However, I'd greatly appreciate it if you wouldn't waste my time. I forgive easily in general, but I never forget anything. Don't lie to me, it's not worth it, I always know. Last, but definitely not least, I'm a work in progress. I'll get better, I just feel like I don't have any support, and if I'm going to be alone anyway, why bother?

.....And I just thought you should know all that.

Till next time: positive energy, high hopes, and love♥

"There is little more brave than an honest, personal blogger with no apologies." -Dori

Y'all thought I was playing when I said I was going to keep putting it up there. I don't play about my blog now, I thought you knew.

Anyway. I know a couple months back I said I didn't like teen pregnancy, or that might've seemed like it was what I was saying, but it actually wasn't. I don't like immature teen mothers. Scratch that, I don't like immature mothers at all. It makes me really mad to see people that get pregnant and continue to go about their life like it's still about them. That's what bothers me about teen pregnancy, and that's what the pregnancy blog was about.

With that said, the only thing that makes me more upset than immature teen mothers, is people that hate on mature teen mothers. The one's who do it right, and make the right decisions for their children. That shit's commendable. They need a hand clap, and some fucking support. And if you are going to give them praise for doing what's right, dont' qualify it. Say "good job." Don't say, "Good job (butyoustillshouldn'thavehadababy)." That's disgusting. And they don't need that from you, they've got a hard enough time as it is.

Plus why is it we feel the need to be in other people's business anyway? I mean, when I was talking about pregnancy last time, all the people I spoke on were people who came to me, and asked me for advice, they involved me personally. But unless you're deeply concerned for the child's safety, what business is it of yours how they raise their child? That's them. How bout you go do you? How bout that?

Blah, but really though. If there's any teen mothers reading this right now, congratulations for making it this far, however far you are. I'm sure God's blessed you with everything you need to be the best mother you know how.

Moving on, I'm making a list of things that irritate the shit out of me. I have reasons though.
1) Twitter (see the previous post)
2) People's obsession with Keri Hilson - note that I did not say Keri Hilson. I love me some Keri Hilson. And I like the video (even though it's OD strange to see ugmo ass Kanye West playing sexy ass Keri Hilson's love interest. Throw peanut head ass Ne-Yo in there and you find yourself asking what the fuck the world is coming to), but why on Earth does everybody have to hop on the same song at the same time? Really? Is it necessary? Calm down on Keri Hilson.

If you remember, I had this same problem with Drake a couple weeks ago. Y'all just hop from one to another, shit's confusing as fuck.

In other news, I'm legally changing my name two weeks from now, but I don't give a shit what y'all call me, cus it's the internet.

So yeah, thats all.

Till next time, I offer you positive energy, high hopes for the future, and love.

Blah. I was thinking, and then, all the sudden, I was looking at the white blogger box, and I started typing. Don't ask me how these things happen. I'ma change the color scheme again, too. This was a mistake, it's too pale.

1) I am not a very forgiving person. Nor am I a very patient person, which I understand is a bad look but I don't really care. Fact of the matter is, if you tell me you're going to do something, and you don't do it, I no longer trust you. This only has to happen once, that's it, I'm through. And if you tell me you're going to do something, and don't, and we've established that I no longer trust you, then I don't want to continue talking to you. Fuck you. You had your chance. Go find somebody else to bother.

2) I'm naturally nosy. I want to know everything. I have a good memory. Once I know something, I tend to remember it. That does not make you special. Just because I asked you your birthday, and then remembered your birthday, even though we haven't talked in a while, does not mean I've been harboring romantic feelings for you since the last time we spoke. Grow the fuck up, like seriously? Just because I read your blog once does not mean I want to "jock your style". Are we being forreal right now? Who jocks somebody's blog style? Who? Please tell me, so I can go point and laugh.

3) I'm scared to death of that damn L word. So, let's say...we've been talking, you know, for a while, and you've decided that you want to throw the L word out. You will be all by yourself professing that shit. I will tell you that I care about you, and that you're important to me, but the L word? No sir. I don't do that. The L word is a thing that happens years in the making for me, if it ever happens at all.

4) I very rarely say what I'm actually thinking, because I don't trust you. Not like, in the I think you'll do me dirty if I tell you kind of way, not at all. I don't trust you to understand, or, I don't trust you take it the right way, or I don't trust you to look at me the same way. Mostly, I'm an intellectual snob and I figure if I told you what I was really thinking, you'd be afraid of my intelligence and not talk to me anymore. Which is fucked up on a multitude of levels, I'm aware. I overestimate myself and underestimate the majority of people that I talk to (there are three people to which this does not apply. Guess).

That's all I'm going to say for now. I might do more later though. I officially stopped watching the baby yesterday, so I get to go back to my regular boring ass life now. I'll be with Monica all this weekend. I get my new phone next week. I decided to go with the BlackBerry Bold [ click it ]. Then the week after that I start school, and the week after that I go back to work. Yeah, I'm feeling good about that. Anyways.

Till Next Time,
-A. (who holds no relation to the infamous -AdV)

I'ma change this blog layout in a minute. OCD, I know, but this purple is starting to bother me. Purple, orange, and gray? What was I thinking? Every time I look at it I feel like someone's gonna shout trick or treat. smh. That's not what I came to blog about though.

I finally got my hair did which allows me to take pictures. I can't take picures raggedy you know, that's against all the rules. Anyway, y'all know how I get once I get on my picture taking mode, so expect about a million by...tomorrow. I might even go back to using my Flickr. Y'all ain't even know I had one of those, did you? That's not what I came to blog about, either.

The reason I got all dolled up & everything was 'cus my friends Monica and Angelica both shared a birthday yesterday, so they decided to go out together. They both have a strange fascination with strip clubs, so we were gonna hit one, & then we were gonna go to a dance club, & then get some food & go home, the usual. Angelica's mom got her a limo. That's cool. Okay. Whatever. So I get dressed & go to Monica's, & then we drive over to where Angelica said the limo would be. It was just me, Monica, & this mixed girl Kristen (who was unbelievably fucking pretty, by the way). Of course Angelica invited like 59 people, but it's her birthday, and her limo, so who cares, right? Her friends brought drinks, so we're all just chilling in the limo, waiting for everybody to show up so we can go. It was chill. I mean, it was as cool as it can be being the only people of color surrounded by approximately twelve white people.

Sidebar: Funniest part of the evening was when this kid Jordan got his iPod and decided to prove to me that he knew "what hip-hop is". Not only was nothing current, it was all mainstream and like...you know, the poppy hip hop, the kind white people listen to to feel good about themselves. It was totally expected. Anyway, back to the story.

So we spend like an hour waiting for everybody to get in the limo, then we had to go pick this one girl up, then people decided they wanted to pick up snacks, so we hit McDonalds. Monica's ole silly self forgot her ID, so Angelica said we could wait for her mom to bring it to her. Monica's a really sensitive person though, and she felt like she was just tagging along on somebody elses party, and she didn't really feel welcome. So when her mom got there she was like nevermind, I just want to go home. And she told me & Kristen we could go, but Kristen doesn't know any of them, and even though I know Angelica from school, I figured it'd be kinda shady to come with Monica and then just ditch her when she obviously felt like nobody wanted her around.

Anyway, while we're talking about this, Angelica calls me over and asks me what's wrong with Monica, so I tell her that she's feeling left out and kind of unwelcome. Now, instead of being a good fucking person, and saying something along the lines of, "Of course you're welcome. It's your birthday too, now lets go." This bitch strolls over to an already upset Monica and goes, "Well, if you feel uncomfortable, don't let me stop you from leaving."

Stupid bitch.

Making an already long story a little bit shorter, we went back to Monica's house. That is, after we picked up mass quantites of junkfood, && my entire alcohol stash. Then we ordered pizza and talked shit and passed out.

In the end, it was a waste of a perfectly good outfit. And that, my friends, is what I came to blog about.

Here are the four pictures from yesterday that I deem worthy of the public eye:
http://i40.tinypic.com/bhzkvd.jpg
http://i43.tinypic.com/2co1o95.jpg
http://i40.tinypic.com/5d56py.jpg
http://i42.tinypic.com/2ewdykm.jpg

So I'm doing my usual blog lurking, right? And my iTunes, which is on shuffle, decides it really likes Drake in this particular moment, so it starts on a little marathon. I don't mind. This nigga punchlines make me giggle, so sure. But somebody tell me why every single blog I've been on today had a Drake song playing? Uptown, Sooner Than Later, fucking Best I Ever Had is about to make me insane, The Calm, Successful...Okay, okay, nigga, we get it. I mean yeah, okay, he's good, but calm the hell down people. He's not even that good. Like really, I was gonna put Houstalantavegas on my Blogger playlist and now I hella don't want to. I hate predictability. Don't you hate predictability?

*Do Not Read The Following*

I've been thinking. Well, I was reading a book. I was reading Angels & Demons by Dan Brown, the same dude that wrote Da Vinci Code if you didn't know, the movie's coming out soon, so I was reading it. Anyway, the book was talking a lot about antimatter, and how its like a billion times more powerful than regular, good old fashioned matter, but scientists have no idea why.

And so you know, being me, that got my little mind working. 'Cause, I mean, isn't it like that with everything? I mean, maybe not scientifically, like with antimatter, but think about it. The things you don't say will always have more power than the things you say, simply because you don't say them. Which is why when people say something, or do something, completely out of character, it's taken seriously, because it's not normal. So why would it be any different with matter. I mean, if we're all made up of matter, like, everything, then why would our interactions as matter based organisms differ any of the interactions of actual raw particles of matter?

Okay. I'm done being a dork. It's just been on my mind, since I finished the book.

*You May Continue Reading*

So, we joined a new church today. We being me, mom, Ree, & Jon. The old one just didn't feel right. I don't expect anybody to understand that. A lot of people think church is supposed to feel uncomfortable, which isn't true. Not for me anyway. If I'm in the right church, I've always been able to feel at home there. Like myself. I'm not one of those people that acts totally different in church than I do on the street. I'm pretty much the same in both places. I dont' know if that means I'm bad in church or good on the street, but whatever.

The reason I brought it up is 'cause their choir is awful. The poor babies. I like, cringe when they go up to sing on Sundays. My big brother Mike's new fiance* (remind me to talk about that later) is the choir director, so she like, attacked me after church today, like "Ashley! We need you! Tuesday night at seven!" And because I'm semi known in this city, it's no suddenly pretending like I can't sing. It's not that I want to say no, I love singing. Especially in choirs. And it's not even that the choir's bad, really. I don't mind that. They're a small choir, and all the need is good guidance. That's what bothers me. They don't have good guidance. And I'll be damned if they expect me to come in there and be their good guidance. I don't like assuming leadership positions around people I don't know like that. Does that make any sense?

This is getting long, isn't it?

Okay, last thing. My big brother Mike proposed to his girlfriend Dauvia two weeks ago. Mike's 20, his birthday's in May. Dauvi's 19, her birthday's in June. They've already got a date set for late August.

Does anybody remember the pregnancy blog? I feel kinda the same way about marriage out here. People get married madd young. Like, I don't know, it's probably the way I was raised, but I know how to be in a relationship without having to get married. I'd have no problem living with a dude for some years without even thinking about marriage. Don't get me wrong, I do want to get married, but when I'm older. Maybe 26 or 27. 24 is honestly the earliest I'd even consider it. I think people get married so early out here 'cus there's nothing else to do. That's me and moms theory.

Okay! I'ma shuttup. I've got more to say, but y'all ain't even listenin anymore, so what's the point. I think I'm going to take some initiative && go do the educated guess blog. Don't ask, you'll see.

Till Then,
-A.

I had the bombest dream last night. Only problem being, I thought I was awake. That's the worst kind of feeling to have, man. 'Cause it wasn't one of those impossible type situations. It would have made perfect sense. The reason I couldn't tell I was dreaming was because it would've made perfect sense. And then I opened my eyes, and it was like....*sigh*. And then I just gave up and went to sleep. I was dreaming again, but at least this time I knew I was, so it sucked less when I woke up.

I know I was supposed to write something from my soul, but I don't have any right now. Soul, that is. I feel like I'm in jail. Like, all the body parts are in working order. Heart's beating, blood's circulating. Breath in, breath out, but there's nothing there. Dramatic sounding, but it's what I feel. That's from my soul. Real talk.

The electricity went off at our house today. Even if it hadn't, the cable, internet, and phones went off. I feel awful. Like, I've done the math. In the past month I've made enough to pay the rent for two months, and if I work for the rest of this month, it will next month too, which we don't need them to pay, which means that money should be coming to me, or given to my mom to cover any expenses she can't get to. So please explain to me why the electricty is off at my house. The fuck am I over here for? Please, somebody please make this make sense to me. What, they think they're just paying the bare minimum and if there's anything left over they can just...keep it? While all the food in my house goes bad cus there's no power? Excuse me?

So mom throws a little fit, goddaddy gives her enough to pay the power. So tell me why he's mad? Mad for what? This is what he's paying for. And he's getting off cheap. He's paying me minimum wage for this. At amounts of time that aren't even legal in this state, and no fucking breaks. So why is he mad that he had to pay the electricity? Why does that upset him? I don't understand. I thought this was the plan. I thought this was what was supposed to be happening.

Eh. Somebody's home, so...I'm just gonna shut the fuck up. That's my soul.

Till Next Time,
-A.

"And I wish that I could be with you tonight. You give me butterflies, inside...inside, and I..."

This song is madd old! Lol, it's starting to make me think of someone though, it's been in my head for a minute. But whatever!

This is the obligatory "I just changed my layout" blog post. I stumbled upon this purple on accident while I was playing with Javascript tutorials && decided that I needed to do something with it. I know, I know, that's random. But I mean come on, if you haven't figured it out by now.

It's 5:01am PST and I should be asleep. My y! status says I'm asleep and everything. Yet I'm not. I'm up, fucking with Javascript tutorials && changing my blogger layout. I might have to start taking those pills for this insomnia cus it's totally not okay.

I'm just now starting to yawn. How fucking dumb is that though, really? I'm going to search my soul for some more important shit to blog about because I'm tired of A) not having a life, and B) subjecting y'all to the fact that I don't have a life. So yeah, the next time you speak to me, remind me that I'm supposed to be searching my soul.

Till Then,
-A.