I haven't been in this blog like I used to be. The layout isn't even satisfying me. The colors just don't pop like I want. I might have to change them.

I don't want to talk about 2008. Its over, lets keep it moving. I don't want to talk about my plans for 2009. Watch and know you're learning something, don't listen and think you know. I don't want to talk, I don't want to think, I don't want to plan. If you've learned nothing of me in the time you've been reading this blog, you'll know that talking, thinking, and planning are the things I'm best at in the world. I mean, what's the point of having a blog if you don't like to talk, think, or plan?

Which, I guess, is why I've been neglecting this blog. I don't want to reflect on my past, or gush out my hopes of the future. Honestly? I've been doing that every year for eighteen years now, and I don't want to. I just want to be. I just want to go to sleep, and wake up, and breathe my way through the day. I want to make plans last minute, and then break them if I decide I feel like doing something else. I don't want to be the me I've been for the past eighteen years. That me never does anything, because she's too busy planning to do it. Well okay, not the last eighteen, because since Summer 07 I've made some major leaps and bounds, and I've been more pleased with myself than I ever thought I could be. Let me break it down for you.

My name is Ashley Reina-Pearl Bennett. I've always hated that my name was Ashley, there were so many, they were all the same. I hated when someone with my name was in a class with me, was in a room with me, because I knew I wasn't like them. No offense to Ashleys, there's nothing wrong with the name. But, I think you should have a name that suits you. Ashleys are common. They're normal. There's nothing wrong with being common and normal. But there is something wrong with being called common and normal when you're not, and every fiber of your being screams that you're not, and every time somebody calls your name and you turn just to find they aren't talking to you, you feel like you lose a little bit of yourself.

Reina's been my alter ego since I was ten. 5th grade. She got me through for a while. I went through some things, when I was younger, if you don't know, you don't need to. And letting Reina, letting that part of me, take over was the only way I could breathe for a long time. Cus Reina didn't give a shit about your feelings, Reina looked out for us. Just us. Not mom, she'd let us down. Not Ree, she's the reason we were in this mess. Not Jon, because Jon belonged to him and she sure as hell didn't give a shit about him. Reina was mean. Reina was fast. Reina punched dudes in the face when they talked shit. Reina made bitches cry when they got in her way. Reina got me suspended from school six times. They didn't expel me because I tested well and they needed good test takers in the district. And I guarantee you, thats the only reason. Time passed, and I knew I shouldn't be angry anymore, that I should be healed, but Reina was still so mad. And I saw that it was hurting my family, and I saw what they wanted me to do, so I did that, I did what they wanted me to do. I became what they needed, not what I needed. I let them have Ashley, and put Reina under wraps, and she's been mad ever since.

Because I didn't look out for us like Reina would've. I looked out for everybody else. I did what everybody wanted me to do, and never did what I wanted to do, and never stood up for what I wanted, just bended to what everyone else thought was okay. And I spent countless hours on myspace, trying to perfect the image they'd see when they stepped on my page, knowing that I should've been studying, working, so that it wouldn't be an image they saw, it would be me, and that would be enough. Reina was pissed when I let somebody come back into my life and hurt me like that again. Cus thats what it felt like, in summer 07, it felt like somebody had come in and taken the most precious thing I had, all over again, and Reina couldn't let that happen twice.

I'm trying to work on it, trying to work on finding a balance. I don't know whether to be fake and respectful or real and rude as hell. I tried fake and respectful for a long time, so I guess I'll try real and rude as hell for a while now, and see where that takes me.

And even though I'm trying not to let her take control entirely, she's gonna have a major say in how 2009 rolls out. I've neglected her for too long, and now she's back, and pissed the hell off, so, I'll just be dealing with that. And honestly, if it comes down to me choosing between neglecting this blog or neglecting her (which I'm almost sure it will) I'll let the blog sit here, unused for a while, with a layout thats not even bomb like I want it to be. Because she's me. And I've gotta look out for me, right?

-A.

Ps. (yeah, I'm fully aware that sounded more than a little bit crazy, and you're definitely within your rights to revoke your friendship card now. If you can't handle it, I don't need you)