A while ago, like months, I was talking to Ace da Vinci about my blog. He told me he reads it sometimes. I was like, oh really? && He's like yeah, but I don't comment. & I said something like I didn't write things that were very commentable, && he told me that he didn't comment because he didn't want my temperament to change. He said I blogged differently than a lot of the bloggers that get a lot of attention, because I blogged under the assumption that no one was reading. He said I'd blog differently if I knew I had readers.

I understood at the time, I mean, it made sense, but I didn't think that was really going to happen to me. I mean, why would I change the way I blog? But I did, did you notice? This blog used to be...I mean, I don't know. I spend a lot of time trying to sound mature now, because people with huge ass vocabularies are reading this. I guess I'm trying to prove my intelligence to my audience or some shit like that. It's bothering me. As usual, Mr. da Vinci was right, cus I really did start blogging differently.

A part of my brain says it's not that I'm blogging differently because I'm trying to impress readers, it says I'm blogging differently because I'm trying to come into my own, to be the intelligent woman that I am. Everything I do should reflect that intelligence, right? I think that's true actually, I really do. I am an intelligent woman, and I shouldn't use the fact that this is my blog to talk like a damn idiot just because I know I can. I'm so out of the habit now, I couldn't go back to the way I used to type if I tried lmao. I'd feel like a hick. But a lot of it is exactly what Ace said it was. I figured out I have a [very small] following, and my temperament changed. And that makes me so unbelievably sad.

I don't think I can go back to the way things were, and I know no ones going to go through the damn near three hundred blogs I've posted to see what I was like before. Which makes me sad again, because I remember when I wrote this blog for me, and when my only wish for people reading it was so that people could get to know me, the me I don't show very often, the softer, more vulnerable, hella stupider, easily amused side of me that found something to laugh at every day. And now you won't see that. I don't feel like anybody sees that anymore. They just see this reserved girl who's got a good head on her shoulders. You don't see that I'm scared, and I'm lonely, and I cry a lot, and I wish I could trust somebody enough to tell them why I cry, but I can't, because none of you know more than half of me. How sad is that?

I spend a lot of time trying to reconcile these two very different people running around in my head, but neither of them play nice. I know I sound hella crazy when I say it that way, but it's the only way I know how to describe it. Like to people that don't know me well, I come off as really shy, and quiet. But I'm not. At all. I'm loud, and stupid, and funny, and if it gets quiet, I'll fill those empty spaces. I'll talk for days. But a lot of times, if I don't know you well, I won't show you that, because I think you'll think less of me, and not talk to me anymore. I'm like twelve years old in this part of my head, and even though, listening to what I'm typing right now, I know I'm being impossible, I can't shake it. I just want people to think the best of me. I always have.

I was going through old blogs today, a lot of them actually, and I stumbled upon one, that normally I would link you to but I won't right now because I don't really want your pity. But I read it, and before...I would've cried, so much. But when I read it, it was just like a little twinge in my heart, and then I kept going. I have changed, a lot. I have grown, a lot. But I'm still working. I'm not done, I don't know if I ever will be.

But I think the change in my temperament is why I haven't been blogging as much anymore. I used to look forward to it, I used to want to tell funny stories, to make my friends laugh. It used to be like performing on stage. Now its like an animal in a zoo. It hurts, man. But anyway. I think I'll try to blog more. Slow, steady, until the reason I started doing this makes sense to me again, because I'm sure it will.

Sorry this was so long and sad sounding. They'll get better from here, kay? =]

-A.

I was feeling the need to blog, even though I don't have much to say. My godfather pissed me off the other day. He always tells this story, about how one summer, he wrote this book about everything he believed in and everything he wanted to be, and then at the end of the summer, he burned the book, because he realized the person he was at the beginning of the summer wasn't who he was anymore, and he wanted to move on. He calls that the best summer of his life, because he discovered who he really was.

Then he tells me that he's always though I was so sure of myself and who I was, and he wonders if I've ever taken the time to analyze who I am, and what I want in life. And I tell him I do it all the time. He doesn't believe me.

And then he tells me that my blog is an idiotic waste of time.

Yeah, that's what I said.

In other news, I'm hella quoting Transformers line for line right now, and wishing I had some Olive Garden breadsticks. That would make life borderline perfect right now.

I lost my O key last night. That bring the grand total to: A, D, E, R, && O. My S && I are wobbly too now. Ol dude that was supposed to replace my shit for me hasn't come through. This is a problem that needs to be fixed. I type all extra slow now. It's ridiculous. My family teases me about how slow I type. Seriously? You try to type with half your vital consonants and vowels missing, living in fear if you hit enter too hard that shits gonna snap off, then come see about me. Assholes.

The baby is on the floor right now. He's so sleepy he doesn't know what to do, so very now and then he just hits the ground, and lays there for a minute. Then he gets back up, its cute. I wish he'd just let me put him down for a nap, but nooooo, he's gotta be difficult.

Tomorrow's my day off, whoo! I don't know what I'm going to do with it. I'll probably just sleep all day, and then stay up all night. Sounds great, right? Yeah.

I think I'm done rambling now. I'm still not sure if I want to come back to blogging. Like, I don't know. You know how things run their course? I think this may have. Whatever. I'm out.

-A.

I don't know if I'm going to be back to blogging regularly && shit, but there's a lot going on right now and I kind of wanted to inform you.

A) I graduated from high school finally. Like I'm actually and officially done. It makes me happy. I don't know. I half feel like a failure because I was supposed to graduate with class of 08, but then at the same time it doesn't because I skipped the seventh grade, so fuck ever.

B) I've decided to get my certificate to be a paralegal when I go back to school in April. My godfather's pissed about that. He wants me to live the dream. Do what I've got to do at PCC, then go to university, discover the world, and be broke while I'm doing that. I'm trying to explain to him that we have the exact same plan. I'm going to finish my GE and get my certificate from PCC, and then I'll go to university and live the dream, I'll just have a job that pays better. He thinks I'll get so caught up in working, I won't go back to school. It's a viable fear. He got mad at me when I told him that I'd made my decision and nothing he could do would change it. He thinks I'm going to end up like mom.

C) Speaking of my mom, she got a job! She started today. Twenty an hour, forty hrs a week. I'm happy for her. It's a good job. Her boss is a good dude. I hope this works out for her.

D) I'm pretty sure I let you guys know of the situation, but my mom had been watching goddaddy and aunty isha's baby (aka munchka) and in return they were paying our rent while mom was out of work (That way they could spend the money they'd budgeted on day care on the rent). Mom didn't start work till this week, so she's not going to be able to pay the feb rent by herself, but goddaddy can't afford to pay it because he's going to have to put munchka in daycare because moms at work? Solution? I cut my availability at my job, so now I only work weekends. Now I can watch munchka while moms at work so the rent can still be paid. Resulting problem? Now I'm broke, cus I'm not working. Uncool. But whatever, family first and all that other shit.

E) Since I read the Twilight series, I've been writing a lot. Little stories from the Twilight Universe. It's dorky, I know, but I'm completely caught up in it. I haven't written like this in a really long time, so I guess it's good. If you're addicted to all things twilight like I am (yeah Shani, I'm talking to you) hit me up && I'll let you read some of the stories maybe.

F) I'm back to crushing on niggas I shouldn't. Except for, in the past, I'd let my mind wander off without me, start imagining a nigga leaving his girl for little ol me. I'm passed all that. I wouldn't want a man that would leave a happy home for me, cus whats going to stop the next bitch from doing the same thing? It lessens their credibility, which makes me want them less, so then I can pull myself from the unrequited wanting stage. This is different from that, cus I know he won't leave anybody for me, he actually isn't with anybody right now, but it's still all wrong and I shouldn't want it like I do, so I'm going to stop. Remind me that I said that.

G) Ace da Vinci's productional prowess never ceases to amaze me. [go look] So seriously, it doesn't even make any sense. My favorite? Open Book, hands down. Even though he just told me it was old, and said "ew" a lot. Fuck that nigga. Didn't nobody ask him what he thought. :-J

H) I just deleted a cool 234 words. Jay Adams, when you read this, get in touch with me. I would just get at you, but I need your full attention, and only you know when I'll be able to get that. So yeah, I've got a bone to pick with you && shit... =/

-A.

I'm taking a break. No, I'm not going to sneak off and start a new blog. I've learned from that mistake. If I feel like blogging again, I'll come back. Right now, however, I just...don't. I don't at all feel about talking about the minute details in my life. And if I do have some ephiphany, I'd rather act on it in my life than reflect on it here. So, until said time comes that I feel the need to do so again, this will be my last blog. That's not to say I won't be checking yours, because I will. Uhm...the end?

-A.

I haven't been in this blog like I used to be. The layout isn't even satisfying me. The colors just don't pop like I want. I might have to change them.

I don't want to talk about 2008. Its over, lets keep it moving. I don't want to talk about my plans for 2009. Watch and know you're learning something, don't listen and think you know. I don't want to talk, I don't want to think, I don't want to plan. If you've learned nothing of me in the time you've been reading this blog, you'll know that talking, thinking, and planning are the things I'm best at in the world. I mean, what's the point of having a blog if you don't like to talk, think, or plan?

Which, I guess, is why I've been neglecting this blog. I don't want to reflect on my past, or gush out my hopes of the future. Honestly? I've been doing that every year for eighteen years now, and I don't want to. I just want to be. I just want to go to sleep, and wake up, and breathe my way through the day. I want to make plans last minute, and then break them if I decide I feel like doing something else. I don't want to be the me I've been for the past eighteen years. That me never does anything, because she's too busy planning to do it. Well okay, not the last eighteen, because since Summer 07 I've made some major leaps and bounds, and I've been more pleased with myself than I ever thought I could be. Let me break it down for you.

My name is Ashley Reina-Pearl Bennett. I've always hated that my name was Ashley, there were so many, they were all the same. I hated when someone with my name was in a class with me, was in a room with me, because I knew I wasn't like them. No offense to Ashleys, there's nothing wrong with the name. But, I think you should have a name that suits you. Ashleys are common. They're normal. There's nothing wrong with being common and normal. But there is something wrong with being called common and normal when you're not, and every fiber of your being screams that you're not, and every time somebody calls your name and you turn just to find they aren't talking to you, you feel like you lose a little bit of yourself.

Reina's been my alter ego since I was ten. 5th grade. She got me through for a while. I went through some things, when I was younger, if you don't know, you don't need to. And letting Reina, letting that part of me, take over was the only way I could breathe for a long time. Cus Reina didn't give a shit about your feelings, Reina looked out for us. Just us. Not mom, she'd let us down. Not Ree, she's the reason we were in this mess. Not Jon, because Jon belonged to him and she sure as hell didn't give a shit about him. Reina was mean. Reina was fast. Reina punched dudes in the face when they talked shit. Reina made bitches cry when they got in her way. Reina got me suspended from school six times. They didn't expel me because I tested well and they needed good test takers in the district. And I guarantee you, thats the only reason. Time passed, and I knew I shouldn't be angry anymore, that I should be healed, but Reina was still so mad. And I saw that it was hurting my family, and I saw what they wanted me to do, so I did that, I did what they wanted me to do. I became what they needed, not what I needed. I let them have Ashley, and put Reina under wraps, and she's been mad ever since.

Because I didn't look out for us like Reina would've. I looked out for everybody else. I did what everybody wanted me to do, and never did what I wanted to do, and never stood up for what I wanted, just bended to what everyone else thought was okay. And I spent countless hours on myspace, trying to perfect the image they'd see when they stepped on my page, knowing that I should've been studying, working, so that it wouldn't be an image they saw, it would be me, and that would be enough. Reina was pissed when I let somebody come back into my life and hurt me like that again. Cus thats what it felt like, in summer 07, it felt like somebody had come in and taken the most precious thing I had, all over again, and Reina couldn't let that happen twice.

I'm trying to work on it, trying to work on finding a balance. I don't know whether to be fake and respectful or real and rude as hell. I tried fake and respectful for a long time, so I guess I'll try real and rude as hell for a while now, and see where that takes me.

And even though I'm trying not to let her take control entirely, she's gonna have a major say in how 2009 rolls out. I've neglected her for too long, and now she's back, and pissed the hell off, so, I'll just be dealing with that. And honestly, if it comes down to me choosing between neglecting this blog or neglecting her (which I'm almost sure it will) I'll let the blog sit here, unused for a while, with a layout thats not even bomb like I want it to be. Because she's me. And I've gotta look out for me, right?

-A.

Ps. (yeah, I'm fully aware that sounded more than a little bit crazy, and you're definitely within your rights to revoke your friendship card now. If you can't handle it, I don't need you)

Okay, Lets talk about new years eve. Ol girl I was supposed to go clubbing with? Text me Wednesday morning and said she was broke and that she "didn't wanna go tonight anyway cus it was New Years Eve so it would be hella crowded." Silly me for thinking that was kinda the point. So anyway. I was at work Wednesday afternoon/evening, but I was pissed cus I didn't wanna spend my first legal New Years Eve sitting at the house watching Fly Me to the Moon with my little brother and my mom like we do every fucking year. That shit was most definitely irking me. So I started sending texts out, && guess who came through? That's right, my good ol bottom bitch Monica. Love that kid. I called my mom to tell her I was going out && that it would make more sense if I just stayed the night. SHe said that was fine && she'd see me later. I'm thinking damn, this eighteen thing is not a joke, she's never said no shit like that before. I was kinda pumped about it.

I got off work at 9, they were in the parking lot waiting. They took me home to change, we hit the party at ten. It was mad lame, white people and their fucking music, yo. It was monstrous. This girl got like a 20oz coke bottle full of gin && shit like that was gonna last anybody. Everybody just kinda stared at her. Shit was boring so me && Monica started talking shit to liven it up. By the time we left everybody was laughing and having a good old fashioned time, but that didn't make it any less of a lame ass party.

So Monica's mom picks us up, && we went to Taco Bell cus they were like the only place open, we got our little food, && then they swung by the condos they're gonna move into cus they're down the street from my job && shit. Okay. I text my mom on some extra late happy new year type stuff. She asks me when I'm coming home, I'm like tomorrow, before the baby's party. SHe freaks out && calls me. I'm like huh? Apparently there was a misunderstanding, she thought i'd be coming home late/early, not that I wouldn't be coming home at all. I was trying to calm her down, like okay mom, its cool. I'll come home. I was about to tell Ms. Cynthia, Monica's mom, that I needed to go home, when my mother proceeded to get a lil attitude with me, talkin bout some damn "No, there's no way for you to get home now, the buses aren't running and I'm not coming to get you from anywhere so whatever Ashley do what you want I"ll see you in the morning." And she hung up on me! Pshhhhh okay! So we went back to Monica's where I changed into my PJS. It was warm in the house so I was just wearing some shorts && a tank. We were sitting in front of the couch drinking smirnoff ices, when Amanda, MOnica's sister called. She was hella drunk, && needed us to go get her. All good. I didn't feel like putting my clothes back on so I grabbed a blanket && some house slippers && we were gone.

Manda was stoooopid drunk. Like...she tried to open the door while the car was still moving drunk. Like talking in all caps drunk. "MAMA I WASN'T TRYNA GET OUT I JUS WANTED TO SEEE WHAT'D HAPPPENNNNNN!!!" She was sooooo funny. SHe rolled the window down && was tryna flirt with the cops....across the street. Loud ass. && She spent the whole ride complainin about how somebody spilled red wine all over her hoodie and there was NO WINE anywhere on her. lol then she was hungry, so we pulled into Shari's (its like Denny's but the foods not as good. BUt its 24 hrs) across the street from Monica's house. I had to pee so me, Monica & Manda went in && Ms. Cynthia stayed out front with the car. Now, I'm ghetto as hell so I took my blanket with me into the establishment, and we were pretty much acting a fool coming out of the bathroom and there, sitting in that awkward ass booth directly across from the women's bathroom door, was Pablo. Do y'all remember Pablo? I switch dudes so fast I wouldn't be surprised if you didn't. Just know, he was once one of my dudes. I thought he was in arkansas. I mean, not that I'd have expected to see him in Shari's across the street from MOnica's either way but....wow.

Lucky for me, I was drunk enough to not be embarrassed, but not drunk enough to be embarrassing. I said hi, smiled, we made small talk for a minute, && then I took my ass back to the car while MOnica && MAnda ordered the food. He then starts texting me, while he's talking to Monica (Me && Ms. Cynthia can see him through the window, we're talking about how cute he is) and then MOnica starts texting me telling me that he's asking about me. Okay? And THEN! Manda drunk ass comes out of nowhere looking evil "WHO ARE YOUUUUUUUUUU??? NO NO NO YOU NEEDA MOVE UP OF MY SISTER THOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" He laughs it off, she's drunk. That was awkward enough to last the night, so we get back in the car, he knocks on the window and tells me goodnight or whatever. Okay. Fuck outta here.

(Keep in mind this nigga just came from church, so he's all suited, and I'm in my pjs and a damn Dallas Cowboys blanket, I was heated)

Manda gets in the car and all the sudden starts giggling uncontrollably. "ASHLEY!!!! HE IS CUTEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! YOU SHOULDA TOLD ME ABOUT HIM. HE'S SEXY. I NEED ME ONE OF THOSE!" We're like, Manda you && Kenny have been together for four years. She's like "YEAH, YEAH, BUT I NEED ME ONE OF THOSEEEEEEEEEEEE"

And that was the end of the night. Nothing at all interesting has happened since then. MY eyes are hella struggling with this whole staying open thing. I'm going to take my leave now children. School's back tomorrow. Son of a bitch. AND! Effectively adding insult to injury, its STILL motherfucking snowing. Not the business in any way shape or form.

Okay but I'm leaving forreal.

Happy New Year
-A.