So I'm listening to classical right? Cello, to be exact. I don't know. You know how people say music moves them, and stuff like that? I don't see how they can possibly mean it, and be talking about the stuff we shove in our ears these days. There's nothing emotional about the music. Even the emotional music is fake. Written without any real emotion, just by people who know what to say. By people who're paid to know what to say. And they tell us that they're torn, or that they remember when they're heart broke, or that its just another sad love song, but its not there. Its never there. Classical and gospel are the only to forms of music that've ever touched me really. Hip hop is a rhythm to live to, its the drum beat the my heart beats to, but classical is my aspiration. Its what keeps me pushing to be more. Its the reason my heart beats. And gospel....well, thats God at his purest. Thats God in place where words can't even get to. Have you ever been to a place where words can't even get to? Thats when everything else takes over. Thats where art starts, where music starts, where sights and sounds begin, in that place where words can't reach. Several of my favorite teachers have told me that language is the main thing seperating us from the animals, and that if we couldn't communicate verbally, we wouldn't be as sophisticated a race as we are. But if we couldn't communicate verbally, would we still be able to communicate like [this]? Because if we could, well I think we'd be okay being lumped in with the animals? Give me a word thats more sophisticated than the sound of that. Give me a phrase that moves you as much as that does. It doesn't exist. If a picture is worth a thousand words, than the three minutes and thirty one seconds of that song is a lifetime of conversation. I know I'm rambling and being really....artsy, but I can't hold it. Its so, like, even though I've sadi repeatedly that words can't touch it, I'm scrambling to find the right ones, so that I can capture it and hold it, and remember it. But music is meant to be lived, not captured, nor held. So I'll let that go.

I got paid today. The check wasn't enough to do everything I wanted done. That was bothering me earlier, but I guess I'll just have to make some sacrifices. You guys tell me, am I heartless? I could spend the money to get myself all dolled up for my birthday and take pictures with my mom, as was the plan, or I could spend the money on presents, and look bummy for my birthday and Christmas, as was definitely not the plan. A very large part of me is selfish. I'd only be buying presents for the kids, and the fuck do they need presents for? They got birthdays. My mother told me today that my birthday is going to be virtually non existent. The money just isn't there. They have to buy gifts for everyone, fair or not, because the day after is Christmas. So, either I give myself a good birthday, or I have another sucky one, but give everyone else a good Christmas.

Giving is better than receving. But my mother always told me that if you didn't keep something for yourself every now and again, you wouldn't have anything left to give. I'm getting there. I'm really starting to get there. But I'm going shopping tomorrow, and we'll see how it works out. I need to make my appointments first thing in the morning. Remind me. And let the chips fall where they may from there.

In other news, I just realized today, that two weeks before I leave, I have to put in my two weeks at Regal. If I'm actually leaving, because now they're saying they're going to let Nana stay at her house, which means I might not have anywhere to live again. Thats six weeks left at Regal. I mean, I havent' even informed most of them that I'm planning on leaving. I havent' even told Goddaddy and Aunty Isha that I'm planning on leaving. I didn't want it to turn into a big fuss, especially if it turned out I didn't have any place to stay, so I just ended up staying. However, putting in my two weeks at regal means it can't just be a last minute thing. By January 15, I HAVE to have a place to live, or I'm not leaving. My mother also hasn't filled out my FAFSA, stupid lazy individual. I'm mad at her, she gets attitudes to quickly and she needs to calm the hell down. But anyway, I need to get that taken care of too. Blergh. Whatever.

Shani! I read New Moon in a three hour time period spent in Barnes && Noble. Addicted? Possibly, but don't tell anybody. It made me very very sad to read that book. And I'm realizing I'm not as hungry for the third as I was for the second. But then....I'd read some spoilers on the second so I was anxious to see how it worked out. You know when Stephanie Meyers sent out the first copies of the books, you know to her exclusive readers or whatever, she made everybody read it twice. She said she knew everyone would be so distraught with Edward's leaving that they'd be not really paying attention to the story, just making sure he came back. Then, once they knew he came back, she asked them to read it the second time. Since I've read Twilight going on four times now (Okay yea, addicted might be the word), reading New Moon a second time wouldn't really be an issue.

Okay, shutting up now.

-A.