Ugh. I'm really upset right now and I cannot for the life of me put my finger on why. Like this shit is just irkin me, honestly. I was talking to my sweetie pie Nicole, and as usual, we ended up in a sexual conversation. Well, okay, to be fair, we started in a sexual conversation, so there was no "ending up" but yea. && it hit me like, I'm a freak. I mean, not like I didn't know that but, I started to think like if other people could see it too, or if I was just doing such a great acting job.

So I ask my best friend like hey, do random people on the street think I'm a freak? Like can they tell? No I was expecting her to say something sensical like "Ashley, I don't know" but instead she says yea. She's like people at CATCH (thats the school we went to together) used to call you a freak all the time, they said it was cus of the way you walked.

Excuse Me?

Now, it hit me as soon as she said it that the shit waas probably true, cus people have been saying it my entire life. Niggas have dated me simply because of the way I've walked through the mall. Females have started fights with me simply because of the way I walked pass they ass in the lunch line. I'm talking since forever. Females have been mad at it since about fifth grade. Niggas didn't start trippin till 7/8th. But I mean, it never occurred to me. Like I thought they were all just on crack. Until today.

Cus I'm asking people who've actually like met me in reality, && they're like, Ashley, you walk like you know you're the shit. For one thing, anybody who's read this blog for more than a month, knows that I know no such thing (that was convoluted, you get a cookie if you followed it). I've never thought I was better than anybody. Especially not in the looks department. Yea, I might've thought I was smarter than you, no lie, cus I usually am, but better? no. Just different. Gawsh. I've always walked fast, cus people used to pick on me for being smart all the time, && I had to move quick to get the fuck away from them. I took modeling classes when I was little. I can do the whole down stairs in six inch heels with an encyclopedia on my head thing, but thats just good posture. Fuck out of here? You're telling me modeling classes and being genuinely terrified that someone was going to stop and ask me to talk to them has turned into "walking like a freak"?

You have got to be fucking kidding me.

And I know, I promise that you will not be the first person to tell me that I shouldn't be letting this get to me, and that I'm overreacting, and that I need to calm down. People talk. People judge. People make hair brained ass decisions off zero evidence all the fucking time, so I shouldn't be upset.

But gotdamnit I am. How dare you? How dare anybody decide who I am, or what I do behind closed doors because I walk a little different from the average bitch? I guarantee you, I do everything a little different from the average bitch. I throw temper tantrums a little different than the average bitch. I'm so far from the average bitch once you see me you forget what an average bitch looks like.

So excuse me if I walk like a mother fucking boss.

Ugh.

PS: I took modeling classes because my mother made me. I have no interest in walking down a runway, ever. She thought it'd be good for my self esteem. RIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT. Cus being 8 and 4'11, watching 14 year old 5'8 real model looking bitches stroll around did WONDERS for my self image. I came out of there straight GLOWING. =|

and to add insult to injury...my D key just officially came off. I fucking hate yall. All of you, really.

-A.