I signed on yesterday, prepared to write about what a tumultuous (great use of vocab word there) day it was, only to discover that Blogger has locked my blog, because its under suspicion of being a spam blog. A SPAM blog! ME!!! Can you imagine how insulting that was? They said my blog would be deleted within twenty days unless I requested a review. So I immediately requested a review. That "deleted" word scares me. I can't get my url back if they delete me. And we all know how I feel about this url. That would just.....hurt. Anyway, they haven't gotten back to me yet. I thought locked meant I couldn't post anything, but its letting me type....I just have to do this irritating word verification so they can make sure I'm a real person. It makes my heart hurt that blogger doesn't trust me. After all we've been through? Come on now blogger.

Anyway, on to what a tumultuous day yesterday was. It was actually fine. Completely normal day. Until Kallie, another employee, and her mom came in to see a movie. Kallie and I have the same birthday. We all know I have mixed feelings about my birthday, but in general I plan to make this particular one flawless so we were discussing birthdays and how we felt and blah. I told Mrs. Ross (Kallie's mom) the truth, that I had a love/hate relationship with it, because there were some years where we spent my birthday putting the finishing touches on Christmas. To which Mrs. Ross replied:

"I think thats why Kallie loves her birthday so much, because we try so hard to make it special for her. She never gets together gifts. We never wrap her presents in Christmas paper. We never celebrate in the same room as the tree. At our house, December 24th isn't Christmas eve, its Kallie's birthday."

I smiled at her. I mean, it bothered me a little, but it was fine. It didn't start making me cry till I was damn near home. The only thing that'd kept me going, kept me thinking everything would be alright, was the fact that everybody who's birthday was Christmas Eve went through the same thing I went through. They don't. This is specific to me. Great. Like, I don't know. Its hard to have the one day thats supposed to be about you, be about everybody else. Its hard to be told they couldn't afford your birthday presents because they had to buy somebody elses Christmas presents. If that makes any sense. In general, your birthday is the time when people spend money on you. Unfortunately, my birthday is the time when people spend money on everybody. So instead of feeling special, most of the times I just feel like a bother. My birthday usually depresses the shit out of me. I'm trying to overcome that.

I cried a lot yesterday. I stood outside my house for five minutes trying to compose myself so my mom wouldn't see me crying when I came in. She wasn't really paying attention, but she did start screaming at me about some bullshit flat iron that she specifically told me I could borrow while she was keeping her hair curly. I tried to explain that to her, in calm tones, but that whole conversation ended with, "what do you have a job for if you're still taking all my stuff?" Yea. That ruined the whole composure thing. Went in the bathroom and cried some more. Like a typical teenager, I went in my room and played my music too loud till I'd calmed down. Then I got dressed and we went to this gospel concert, where I pretty much cried the entire time. The only thing I love about crying in church situations is that nobody asks you whats wrong. Ever. They want a reaction, and if you cry, they figure they've gotten one, so they assume Jesus has entered your heart, and leave you alone. They may occasionally hug you, and give you some tissue, but nobody asks you whats wrong, and nobody tells you to shuttup, and nobody looks at you funny. And if any of those things happen to you when you're at church, let me be the first to tell you, you're at the wrong church.

I was supposed to go this morning but my mom figured I'd been through enough last night, so she didn't wake me up, she just freaking left me lol. Its all good though. I need to clean my room and get some homework done.

I'm sorry this blog was depressing. I'll try to make the next one more fun. That is, of course, if they don't delete my blog for being spam. =|

-A.