I'm trippin' yall, seriously. I haven't even been thinking about this blog. I went on Jay's to comment && complained that he hadn't blogged since the 22nd. That was yesterday. It got me to thinking, I I haven't blogged since the 22nd. And I actually had things to talk about! Weird right? I changed the layouts on both my myspace and here, kept it simple. Yes, thats classical you're hearing. Soothing. Close your eyes, count to ten, then come back. I like the atmosphere in my blog to be good, ya know?

Where to begin, where to begin? Uhm...my birthday? Okay. It started at midnight. I got a new iHome (my favorite color) to go with the iPod I asked for but they hadn't given me yet. Then they tried to freak out and pretend like they didn't get me the iPod at all. Okay. And I got the most beautiful strand of freshwater cultured pearls. And a twenty five dollar iTunes card (but they wanted me to believe they hadn't gotten me the iPod). I didn't sleep the night of my birthday, just kind of chilled. When the sun was up, Me and my mom trekked through the snow to get to Ruby Tuesdays (of, "She said she want diamonds, I took her to..." fame). We usually go to IHOP but, completely snowed in. It was freezing but we got there, talked about this year and what we liked and disliked about it, started throwing out game plans for next year. All in all, it was a cool 18th. Nothing groundbreaking. Me and my friend NIcole vowed to go clubbing for New Years, so I have to go shopping, seeing as I have absolutely nothing to wear. The list of people who said happy birthday was staggering. Almost as staggering as the list of people who didn't. Oh well, new year. Tides turning and stuff.

Next came Christmas. I got the iPod. I didn't doubt them for a moment. I got some other cutesy jewelry and Godfather wrote me a check for fifty bucks. Aww, how cute. I didn't get the infamous graduation money. Nana, in her new dementia, decided I wasn't worthy. Its okay though. I've still got a couple last minute presents on the way from Indiana. A very good friend of mine is buying me a new Coach (Coach is my addiction, this will be my 5th. Well, 6th but I gave one away, plus I wear the perfume) plus he's giving me the money to repair my keyboard. Woot? Woot.

Christmas was cool because it was the baby's first so we went all out. It was good, really.

On Saturday, the snow was finally melted enough for me to go back to work. I was so freaking happy to see everybody! I discovered that Chase (y'all remember him, right?) and my good friend Keely are together now, which I think is absolutely fucking adorable. It was cool just being there again. I missed it. My check was terrible, but its all good.

Uhm....I work again tomorrow, and wednesday, and Thursday, which is going to be interesting since I'm going clubbing wednesday night and working Thursday morning. Whoo. Only time will tell. Mom's probably gonna say no, but I'm going to flex that new 18 year oldness on her and see how it goes.

I've also very recently become involved with the Jay Adams project, which has become my pet. I'll give you guys the link to it in case anybody wants to get involved. I'm really excited about that. From what I've gathered from the few people that are actually working on it, its going to be a big deal. I can't wait to really dive in and start making it happen. I live for stuff like this, so its going to be really fun for me.

There also might be a new guy in the picture. You all know I normally move to fast and get stupid and crazy, so I'm not going to push it. I'm just going to tell you that I'm thinking about it.

And, because of the lack of graduation money caused by Nana's new dementia, moving has been postponed indefinitely. The economy's bad enough as it is, without me running off to one of the most expensive cities in the country with no money. No car, no new phone. Thank God Dre's giving me the money for the keyboard or I'd be fucked.

However, its still the season to be jolly. I realize I've made a lot of changes this year, but we'll talk about that more on New Years. This one's getting kind of long.

I hope you guys had wonderful Christmases, and that your New Years are the beginnings of bright new futures for you.

To find out more about the Jay Adams Project, please click [here] and get in touch with him. Its going to be a blast, and exceptionally rewarding for everyone involved, so if you're interested, do get in touch.

This has been a long one, I missed yall. Tell me how your christmases were && such.

-A.

One day, I'm going to say that to somebody. Like you have no idea. Cute celebrity quote?

"I don't really care if people say I'm a bad actor, I can like work on that, but if they just say that he's ugly that's just like "oh.. really?" -I'm not telling you.

You'd have to see the look on his face when he said really though. It was priceless. Celebrity interviews are full of little treasures like that.

My next youtube video (yeah, I know I haven't done one in a while) will be I Would Rather Go Blind. The Etta James version, but I doubt I'll get through it without letting some of the Beyonce slip through. And I'm pretty sure I'm gonna cry. It'll be perfect.

This whole blog is just mindless babble because its almost 8 in the morning and I haven't slept. I'm so awake that I've cleaned my room, and read the entire Twilight saga. And I'm still just sitting here. Its impossible.

Did I tell you guys I imported all the blogs from the original literary-romance over to this blog? They're all here now. You can click older posts till your little fingers fall off. I used to be a hell of a follower. You can see it in the way I typed. If you don't believe me, seriously, go look.

I typed liike thiis. I hate bitches that type like that. Honestly, and I always have. I just did it cus everyone else did. You know what I hate now? Random misplaced capitalization. sHit LiKe ThiS. For what? Man, people are so fucking slow. Lol.

My twin is upsetting me. She thinks that I'm going to get back with Bruce because we're speaking again. I still haven't told him I plan to move. I'm pretty sure he knows though. His new plan seems to be involving a whole hell of a lot of El Camino. Whatever. Que Sera && things of the nature. But like I was saying about twin, she thinks he's going to turn his life around and all the sudden be worthy. I was like, I might get back with him then. && Then she was like no, I think you're going to get back with him sooner than that. I think you're just going to wait for him to get it right. Why in good God's name would I do some shit like that?......again? I mean yeah, if he gets it together, and still wants me after he does, Bruce may have a shot. But why would I get with him before that? YOu know Einstein's definition of insanity right?

Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over, yet expecting different results

I'm a little crazy, but I'm not insane. When something changes, Bruce and I can talk, till then, we can't, and fuck anybody assuming that I don't have enough respect for myself to know that he's not good for me. Cause thats exactly what you're saying when you tell me that you think I'm going to put myself in a relationship, knowing its against my better interests. Thats insulting. Your intentions don't matter. Still insulting.

Now that I'm done with that rant. Today is December 22, technically. I mean, the sun is up, so I guess it is officially. Weird I've been up all night doing nothing. My birthday is in two days. Go to american greetings and get me a sick ass ECard. Something interactive. Those make me giggle.

I'm going to put the tagboard section back on this blog (yuck) and use it as a promotions area. Jay Adams, Ace da Vinci, Socialvibe, Artists I'm into, Music I'm into, graphic designers I'm following. You get the drift. I think it could be put to good use if done properly. I'll do that when I wake up though, cus the little white blogger box is making me hella sleepy.

"Tell me that you love me, and everything will be alright. Are you thinking of me? Then come with me tonight. You know I need you, just like you need me. Can't stop. Won't stop. I must be dreaming. Can't stop. Won't stop. I must be dreaming."

-A.

Ugh. I'm really upset right now and I cannot for the life of me put my finger on why. Like this shit is just irkin me, honestly. I was talking to my sweetie pie Nicole, and as usual, we ended up in a sexual conversation. Well, okay, to be fair, we started in a sexual conversation, so there was no "ending up" but yea. && it hit me like, I'm a freak. I mean, not like I didn't know that but, I started to think like if other people could see it too, or if I was just doing such a great acting job.

So I ask my best friend like hey, do random people on the street think I'm a freak? Like can they tell? No I was expecting her to say something sensical like "Ashley, I don't know" but instead she says yea. She's like people at CATCH (thats the school we went to together) used to call you a freak all the time, they said it was cus of the way you walked.

Excuse Me?

Now, it hit me as soon as she said it that the shit waas probably true, cus people have been saying it my entire life. Niggas have dated me simply because of the way I've walked through the mall. Females have started fights with me simply because of the way I walked pass they ass in the lunch line. I'm talking since forever. Females have been mad at it since about fifth grade. Niggas didn't start trippin till 7/8th. But I mean, it never occurred to me. Like I thought they were all just on crack. Until today.

Cus I'm asking people who've actually like met me in reality, && they're like, Ashley, you walk like you know you're the shit. For one thing, anybody who's read this blog for more than a month, knows that I know no such thing (that was convoluted, you get a cookie if you followed it). I've never thought I was better than anybody. Especially not in the looks department. Yea, I might've thought I was smarter than you, no lie, cus I usually am, but better? no. Just different. Gawsh. I've always walked fast, cus people used to pick on me for being smart all the time, && I had to move quick to get the fuck away from them. I took modeling classes when I was little. I can do the whole down stairs in six inch heels with an encyclopedia on my head thing, but thats just good posture. Fuck out of here? You're telling me modeling classes and being genuinely terrified that someone was going to stop and ask me to talk to them has turned into "walking like a freak"?

You have got to be fucking kidding me.

And I know, I promise that you will not be the first person to tell me that I shouldn't be letting this get to me, and that I'm overreacting, and that I need to calm down. People talk. People judge. People make hair brained ass decisions off zero evidence all the fucking time, so I shouldn't be upset.

But gotdamnit I am. How dare you? How dare anybody decide who I am, or what I do behind closed doors because I walk a little different from the average bitch? I guarantee you, I do everything a little different from the average bitch. I throw temper tantrums a little different than the average bitch. I'm so far from the average bitch once you see me you forget what an average bitch looks like.

So excuse me if I walk like a mother fucking boss.

Ugh.

PS: I took modeling classes because my mother made me. I have no interest in walking down a runway, ever. She thought it'd be good for my self esteem. RIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT. Cus being 8 and 4'11, watching 14 year old 5'8 real model looking bitches stroll around did WONDERS for my self image. I came out of there straight GLOWING. =|

and to add insult to injury...my D key just officially came off. I fucking hate yall. All of you, really.

-A.

Honestly. The fact that she named that child Renesmee bothered me more than anything else the book had to offer. I was pissed when Jacob imprinted, but like the book said (approximately) you can't really be mad at that kind of love and adoration. I don't know. Like....I don't know. Lol, I feel like I've been separated from something. Its over. It happened different than I thought. I'm glad Bella finally got a talent. So now I'll be just another one of those angry fans when the movie comes out, nitpicking on everything they did wrong. However, I understand why they chose Kristen Stewart for Bella now. It always pissed me off before, that they made her look so damn normal. Google kristen stewart, especially the blonde kristen stewart. She's fucking gorgeous. However, vampire Bella....that'll be more Kristen Stewart. I'm done talking about that. Really I am.

In other news, today mom tried to burn down the house. See, we have a fireplace that we've never had any reason to use before, but we figured we'd give it a work out today. Well, apparently there's a switch, that you have to pull to open a hatch so that the smoke actually gets through the chimney or whatever, that my mom didn't know about it. So we're all chillin....looking at the fire...taking pictures of it like dorks....until we realize that the house is unnaturally filling with smoke. Then the smoke detectors go off, we've got to open all the windows and the back door ( its 12 fucking degrees outside, so you're aware) and hold fans below the smoke detectors so they'd calm the hell down. We've got to wait for the fire to go out naturally before we can open the hatch....so we're just chilling in our rooms, as far away from the fireplace as possible. Mom, being the glutton for punishment that she is, googled the amount of people that die from smoke inhalation yearly versus those that freeze to death, and now she's in her room, sulking and generally feeling like a bad mother. Which is pretty silly of her, because Jon and I pretty much watched our house fill with smoke and giggled maniacally, shouting "COOL!!!" Yea, we're loser, so what?

You ever notice I blog differently after reading a book? Reading makes me want to write. And my style of writing depends on the style of writing in the book. I've always been good at that, mimicking I guess. I'll stop now. Well, I'll stop talking about it anyway, I don't know if I'll stop doing it.

Did you know that under 20 is too cold for it to snow? Its 12 now, I think I said that before, which is too cold for snow. If anything falls from the sky, it'll be hail. But whatever. Fact of the matter is, we've got a snow day again tomorrow, but there will be no snow. Everything is just so ridiculously iced over that nobody's gonna drive. There are plants outside my window that havent' moved in two days, no lie. Coolest thing though? The plants don't die. They just thaw out and keep pushing. Gangster at its most base form.

We got a little miniature tree!! We decorated it && everything before we realized we were all gonna die from carbon monoxide poisoning. Wanna see? I call it our little monster. Let me see if I have a picture. [13 minutes later] the SD card on the Nikon and my computer are having an argument. I'll have to get you the pictuer of the monster later. It'll happen though.

I was very likely going to say something else, but I can't for the life of me remember what it was, so I'm pretty sure I'm going to shuttup now. Feelin pretty optimistic. Kind of daring. Thinking of changing my page around, was gonna wait till New Years (yes, I plan these things, its a sickness) but I'm not so much feelin the wait anymore, we'll see what happens. Thinking about what color scheme I'll run with for the blog after Christmas. Red and white does get very boring. Okay. I'm done.

"Mama say mama sa mama ku sa. Don't make sense but admit it, its kinda hot"
Charles Hamilton, you silly boy.

-A.

Didn't do much today. We're expecting a snow storm tonight, I havent' looked outside to see if its snowing yet, I should. BRB. Nope, no snow yet. But there was supposed to be a big storm, and the clouds were looking pretty damned threatening, so I ran some errands just in case we get snowed in for the rest of the weekend (only in fucking Oregon.....). Anyway, I put the finishing touches on my birthday outfit (I bought theee most adorable red peacoat), and did some pricing on some other items that need to be paid for. 250 to replace my keyboard, joy. 340 for twins new frames. That'll be a pleasure though. I'd gladly waste a paycheck on that kid.

I also bought books two and three of the twilight series. I don't know why I bought two and three instead of three and four, or two, three, and four. Seeing as I've actually already read two, I didn't really need to actually pay for it. And seeing as I haven't read four, and (as is the case with most series') after I read three, I'd want to read four....well, I should've bought four. But I didn't. I only bought three. And so now, since it doesn't look like its going to snow, tomorrow I'm going to have to go spend twenty more dollars (hard back books are heartbreakingly expensive) to buy four because I feel like I'm not going to be able to sleep until I know how this madness end. Jake left. That hurt my heart. Only because, had I been Bella, I would've chosen Jake. Instantaneously. My only concern would've been the Cullens letting me go, seeing as I knew so much. But they would. Ehh. Whatever, I'll stop being a geek for a moment. Fact of the matter, I need to go buy the fourth.

Its a little after one thirty in the morning. I guess I could be tired, but not so much. I think I'm going to get started on these papers. I've got 16 of them do by Jan 22. Yea, you heard right. Sixteen four page papers due by Jan 22. Two papers per book, 8 books, or I don't graduate. Thats added to my classes, the extention I have to take in my science class (which is, ironically enough, to read another book, and write another paper), writing a stupid essay on the fact that I work a lot, and producing pay stubs to prove that I work a lot, and this weird career packet, which I assume will be talking about.....careers? Ehh, who knows. But I do need to start writing. I mean....Yea.

Its always seemed so weird to me that I can write a cool fifteen hundred word blog like its nothing. Just rambling. But not even rambling, like I can put together 800 well placed words on one topic in this blog. I can write a well written essay, with key points and good sentence structure, and adequate use of my vocabulary. And be writing about real issues, about relationships and psychology and family and music. But when that gotdamn word document opens....its like its teasing me. Its like its saying "Okay, but now it counts, so do something" and I never can. Everything comes out forced, even when its bomb, like the hip hop essay from a while back, its forced. There's always some nasty prerequisite I have to adhere to. Its disgusting. It makes my head hurt to be so focused lol. I like to let my brain scramble around and find the right word for what I'm feeling. Its more natural that way. I like to just keep typing until the words flow easily, and I'm not scrambling for them anymore, thats the best part, when the words start to come easily. Almost like the difference between thinking about the words to a song, and humming them. If that makes any sense.

This is why I always try to blog before I write anything formal. Its like a warm up, like now my fingers are used to flying across the keys and keeping up with my thoughts (even though my poor abused keyboard is having trouble) and I feel like I might be able to knock out a paper or two before the sun comes up. Wish me luck && stuff. Shani, check your email if you haven't already.

-A.

So I'm listening to classical right? Cello, to be exact. I don't know. You know how people say music moves them, and stuff like that? I don't see how they can possibly mean it, and be talking about the stuff we shove in our ears these days. There's nothing emotional about the music. Even the emotional music is fake. Written without any real emotion, just by people who know what to say. By people who're paid to know what to say. And they tell us that they're torn, or that they remember when they're heart broke, or that its just another sad love song, but its not there. Its never there. Classical and gospel are the only to forms of music that've ever touched me really. Hip hop is a rhythm to live to, its the drum beat the my heart beats to, but classical is my aspiration. Its what keeps me pushing to be more. Its the reason my heart beats. And gospel....well, thats God at his purest. Thats God in place where words can't even get to. Have you ever been to a place where words can't even get to? Thats when everything else takes over. Thats where art starts, where music starts, where sights and sounds begin, in that place where words can't reach. Several of my favorite teachers have told me that language is the main thing seperating us from the animals, and that if we couldn't communicate verbally, we wouldn't be as sophisticated a race as we are. But if we couldn't communicate verbally, would we still be able to communicate like [this]? Because if we could, well I think we'd be okay being lumped in with the animals? Give me a word thats more sophisticated than the sound of that. Give me a phrase that moves you as much as that does. It doesn't exist. If a picture is worth a thousand words, than the three minutes and thirty one seconds of that song is a lifetime of conversation. I know I'm rambling and being really....artsy, but I can't hold it. Its so, like, even though I've sadi repeatedly that words can't touch it, I'm scrambling to find the right ones, so that I can capture it and hold it, and remember it. But music is meant to be lived, not captured, nor held. So I'll let that go.

I got paid today. The check wasn't enough to do everything I wanted done. That was bothering me earlier, but I guess I'll just have to make some sacrifices. You guys tell me, am I heartless? I could spend the money to get myself all dolled up for my birthday and take pictures with my mom, as was the plan, or I could spend the money on presents, and look bummy for my birthday and Christmas, as was definitely not the plan. A very large part of me is selfish. I'd only be buying presents for the kids, and the fuck do they need presents for? They got birthdays. My mother told me today that my birthday is going to be virtually non existent. The money just isn't there. They have to buy gifts for everyone, fair or not, because the day after is Christmas. So, either I give myself a good birthday, or I have another sucky one, but give everyone else a good Christmas.

Giving is better than receving. But my mother always told me that if you didn't keep something for yourself every now and again, you wouldn't have anything left to give. I'm getting there. I'm really starting to get there. But I'm going shopping tomorrow, and we'll see how it works out. I need to make my appointments first thing in the morning. Remind me. And let the chips fall where they may from there.

In other news, I just realized today, that two weeks before I leave, I have to put in my two weeks at Regal. If I'm actually leaving, because now they're saying they're going to let Nana stay at her house, which means I might not have anywhere to live again. Thats six weeks left at Regal. I mean, I havent' even informed most of them that I'm planning on leaving. I havent' even told Goddaddy and Aunty Isha that I'm planning on leaving. I didn't want it to turn into a big fuss, especially if it turned out I didn't have any place to stay, so I just ended up staying. However, putting in my two weeks at regal means it can't just be a last minute thing. By January 15, I HAVE to have a place to live, or I'm not leaving. My mother also hasn't filled out my FAFSA, stupid lazy individual. I'm mad at her, she gets attitudes to quickly and she needs to calm the hell down. But anyway, I need to get that taken care of too. Blergh. Whatever.

Shani! I read New Moon in a three hour time period spent in Barnes && Noble. Addicted? Possibly, but don't tell anybody. It made me very very sad to read that book. And I'm realizing I'm not as hungry for the third as I was for the second. But then....I'd read some spoilers on the second so I was anxious to see how it worked out. You know when Stephanie Meyers sent out the first copies of the books, you know to her exclusive readers or whatever, she made everybody read it twice. She said she knew everyone would be so distraught with Edward's leaving that they'd be not really paying attention to the story, just making sure he came back. Then, once they knew he came back, she asked them to read it the second time. Since I've read Twilight going on four times now (Okay yea, addicted might be the word), reading New Moon a second time wouldn't really be an issue.

Okay, shutting up now.

-A.

1. Put Your iTunes on Shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. You must write down the name of the song no matter how silly it sounds!
4. Put any comments in brackets after the song name.
5. Tag at least 10 friends.
6. Anyone tagged has to do the same, because fun pointlessness spreads like a virus.

If someone says, “Are you okay?” you say?
- "The Good, The Bad, The Ugly" - Consequence ft. Kanye West
Lol, well thats pretty self explanatory. Am I okay? Depends on whether its the good, the bad, or the ugly.

How would you describe yourself?
- "Sex With My Ex" - Ne-Yo
Yeah, not trying to have sex with my exes anytime soon. So thats a miss.

What do you like in a guy/girl?
- "Cash Rulez" - Cassidy, Eve, && Bone Thugs
"I'ma tell you like a nigga told me...." Maybe cash should rule everything around him?

How do you feel today?
- "The Way That I Love You Remix" - Promise
"She won't though she's a beast, loco, she's like the old old stone cold Steve with the choke hold" Pretty much.

What is your life’s purpose?
- "Brainstorm" - Ace da Vinci
To be a better MC than AdV. lmfao

What is your motto?
- "Get Your Back Off The Wall" - Family Force 5
This song is my shit!! Though I've always pretty much kept my back on the wall....so its not really fitting as a motto.

What do your friends think of you?
- "Lovers in Japan" - Coldplay
"Just be patient && don't worry" I say that a lot.

What do you think of your parents?
- "To The Sky" - Robin Thicke
...."Will I be rich? Have everything I want? I stop myself, and look the sky"

What do you think about very often?
- "Speak to Me" - Mary Mary
Pretty Much. Whenever I don't know which way to go, which is often, I ask God to tell me.

What is 2 + 2?
- "S on my Chest" - Lil Wayne
I'm so upset this song is in my itunes. Leftover from Whitney. Who's favorite number was four, no fabrication.

What do you think of your best friend?
- "Just Be A Man About It" - Toni Braxton
LMFAO.....yeah.

What do you think of the person you like?
- "Sex For Your Stereo" - Trey Songz
No comment

What is your life story?
- "Make It Rain Remix" - Wayne & them
"Make moves like a young tycoon. Come through like a young typhoon. Category 3, don't be category'n me with these niggas like they get a better salary than me." lol idk

What do you want to be when you grow up?
- "Yesterday" - MaryMary
I want yo have decided that I cried my last tear yesterday.

What do you think of when you see the person you like?
- "Hey Mama" - Kanye West
LMFAO.......no incest:|

What will you dance to at your wedding?
- "Take You Home" - B.O.B. ft. Pretty Ricky
Downloaded a mixtape, never listened to this song......but....I guess I'd be taking him home...so...yea.

What will they play at your funeral?
- "Gone" - Kanye, COnsequence, && Cam'ron
LOL. well that one was easy.

What is your hobby/interest?
- "Barry Bonds" - Kanye && Lil Wayne
Baseball. :|

What is your biggest fear?
- "Hope" - Twista && Faith Evans
That I won't be able to take the music and use it, let it tame me away. Very real fear.

What is your biggest secret?
- "Ditch That...." - The Dream
LOL, the biggest secret I ever kept from him was how badly I wanted to ditch him. He took care of that for me though.

What do you think of your friends?
- "Sweet Love" - Anita Baker
With all my heart I love you baby, stay with me and you will see my arms will hold you baby, never leave, cus I believe in this love.

What will you post this as?
- "Refuge (When Its Cold Outside)" - John Legend
Cus Life is so burdensome when every days a rainy one. =]

-A.

Yea, I'd completely forgotten that I'd ended my last blog with that spam blog situation, you guys were probably like "OHSHITHERBLOGGOTDELETED!" nah, I'm still here. That whole thing got cleared up the same day I posted it. Me, a spam blog. Laughable. Ha ha ha.

Now that that's over. We might have an answer to my living situation in Los Angeles. You guys might think I'm being greedy and overly opportunistic (thats what my mom thinks), but hear me out. You remember my nana I was telling you about, like two posts ago? The one who fell and was in the hospital? Well she's still there. They're saying she had a mild stroke, which we figured, but she's had two MRI's && they were both radically different, so they're thinking she might've had an anyuerism [OMGSH 16 POINTS FOR ME SPELLING THAT WORD RIGHT THE FIRST TIME!], && she still doesn't have her memory all the way back. They're bringing her up here because she doesn't have enough family taking care of her in LA && everything. So....she'll be up here next week....and when I move down next month....her house....which is paid for.....is completely unoccupied. Perfect right?! Thats what I was thinking. Two bedrooms, one bath. Washer && Dryer in the unit. and, my favorite part: PAID FOR!?!?!? I'd have to pay utilities, and cable && internet && put food in it && buy soap && shit. Which would be a lot, understandable. Plus I'd have to pay my phone and my car insurance && put gas in my little piece of shit. Plus I'd wanna have some money on hand for social events && things of the nature, plus I'd wanna keep up my gym membership, plus my hair && nails && random shit like that. Which, yes, is a lot of money, but I could do it you guys. I promise I could. Gosh. Nobody'll give me a chance.

Anyway, my mother had herself a very bad day. She washed her camera. You think I'm a camera whore. Christie has problems. And today, she put her Canon Powershot in the washing machine, and now the screen won't work. Her SD card is good, she's just cameraless. Even with Christmas coming, nobody has enough to get her a new one. Oops? In her depression she (the DIABETIC, mind you) ate a quart of peppermint bark ice cream. Now she's got diahhrea, which you didn't need to know, but its what her punk ass gets, our insurance doesn't cover self inflicted diabetic comas && shit Christie, get your shit together. So now she's in a little state, mad at the world. I wasn't here, can't blame shit on me.

So if I save up every single dime between now and Jan 31st (the projected move date) I might have enough to keep myself afloat in Cali for maybe two months, which should be long enough for me to pick up two minimum wage jobs, that would keep me afloat until I could get one decent job, and then everything would be good? This is why they don't want me to go, they don't think I can take the pressure. Between me and you? I'm not all that sure I can either, but I'd rather the change, the challange, than the same old fucking same. I can't swim, but....sink or swim? lol ignore that analogy, it didn't work like I wanted.

Somebody remind me that I really do need to get my keyboard replaced. My A, S, && D are gone. My Shift is well.....shifty....if My F or Caps Lock goes, I'm going to fucking cry. && could you imagine typing without a space bar? Myyyyyy nigga, that would suck.

Goodnight.
-A.

I signed on yesterday, prepared to write about what a tumultuous (great use of vocab word there) day it was, only to discover that Blogger has locked my blog, because its under suspicion of being a spam blog. A SPAM blog! ME!!! Can you imagine how insulting that was? They said my blog would be deleted within twenty days unless I requested a review. So I immediately requested a review. That "deleted" word scares me. I can't get my url back if they delete me. And we all know how I feel about this url. That would just.....hurt. Anyway, they haven't gotten back to me yet. I thought locked meant I couldn't post anything, but its letting me type....I just have to do this irritating word verification so they can make sure I'm a real person. It makes my heart hurt that blogger doesn't trust me. After all we've been through? Come on now blogger.

Anyway, on to what a tumultuous day yesterday was. It was actually fine. Completely normal day. Until Kallie, another employee, and her mom came in to see a movie. Kallie and I have the same birthday. We all know I have mixed feelings about my birthday, but in general I plan to make this particular one flawless so we were discussing birthdays and how we felt and blah. I told Mrs. Ross (Kallie's mom) the truth, that I had a love/hate relationship with it, because there were some years where we spent my birthday putting the finishing touches on Christmas. To which Mrs. Ross replied:

"I think thats why Kallie loves her birthday so much, because we try so hard to make it special for her. She never gets together gifts. We never wrap her presents in Christmas paper. We never celebrate in the same room as the tree. At our house, December 24th isn't Christmas eve, its Kallie's birthday."

I smiled at her. I mean, it bothered me a little, but it was fine. It didn't start making me cry till I was damn near home. The only thing that'd kept me going, kept me thinking everything would be alright, was the fact that everybody who's birthday was Christmas Eve went through the same thing I went through. They don't. This is specific to me. Great. Like, I don't know. Its hard to have the one day thats supposed to be about you, be about everybody else. Its hard to be told they couldn't afford your birthday presents because they had to buy somebody elses Christmas presents. If that makes any sense. In general, your birthday is the time when people spend money on you. Unfortunately, my birthday is the time when people spend money on everybody. So instead of feeling special, most of the times I just feel like a bother. My birthday usually depresses the shit out of me. I'm trying to overcome that.

I cried a lot yesterday. I stood outside my house for five minutes trying to compose myself so my mom wouldn't see me crying when I came in. She wasn't really paying attention, but she did start screaming at me about some bullshit flat iron that she specifically told me I could borrow while she was keeping her hair curly. I tried to explain that to her, in calm tones, but that whole conversation ended with, "what do you have a job for if you're still taking all my stuff?" Yea. That ruined the whole composure thing. Went in the bathroom and cried some more. Like a typical teenager, I went in my room and played my music too loud till I'd calmed down. Then I got dressed and we went to this gospel concert, where I pretty much cried the entire time. The only thing I love about crying in church situations is that nobody asks you whats wrong. Ever. They want a reaction, and if you cry, they figure they've gotten one, so they assume Jesus has entered your heart, and leave you alone. They may occasionally hug you, and give you some tissue, but nobody asks you whats wrong, and nobody tells you to shuttup, and nobody looks at you funny. And if any of those things happen to you when you're at church, let me be the first to tell you, you're at the wrong church.

I was supposed to go this morning but my mom figured I'd been through enough last night, so she didn't wake me up, she just freaking left me lol. Its all good though. I need to clean my room and get some homework done.

I'm sorry this blog was depressing. I'll try to make the next one more fun. That is, of course, if they don't delete my blog for being spam. =|

-A.

You like it? I love it. Just hush and let Ella sing. Oh yea, Ella Fitzgerald is what you're hearing right now. I let the classics sing the classics. Brittany Spears and them can go to hell. Fuck the bullshit. Today I was struck with the overwhelming urge to not let Jay Adams be the only person with a ridiculously sexy ass Christmas blog. Especially since he's decided to be all anti this year (Nutmeg was my shit though, no lie) Anyways! For obvious reasons (check the profile section if the reasons aren't quite that obvious) a get just a little psycho come Christmas time. In the good way though. I just love it. And doesn't this layout make you want hot chocolate with marshmallows and one of those dorky little hats? I'm all for the dorky hats like you have no idea. I'll dress up for Christmas more readily than I'll dress up for Halloween. Its a gotdamn sickness I tell you. I love it to death.

So today I sat through the entire Twilight movie with my little ray of sunshine, Belinda. It was rushed, but cutesy. Robert Pattinson did a wonderful job of looking tortured, but not looking like much of anything else, which upset the hell out of me. Edward was a multifaceted individual. Robert Pattinson was just pale and confused looking. Nikki Reed looks terrible as a blonde, she played Rosalie, but you guys probably don't care. Emmett was good. Alice was perfect. Jasper, like Robert Patinson, just looked tortured. In the book Jasper cracked jokes. If they turn the second book into a movie though, you'll see why he's like that. Plus there's this huge back story on Alice that nobody talks about. But I guess. It was cute for what it was. I'll stick to the books in the future though.

Okay now, are we ready to take it down a notch? You know, nothing can be good without something being bad. My nana's in the hospital? Yea, you know, the coldhearted one that calls me a fat crackhead and then pops out of nowhere with 1500 worth of graduation money? Her. She fell. We don't know how long she was on the ground. By the time Royal (a cousin. Yes, thats really his name) got home, well, we don't know how long she'd been there. Royal called an ambulance, and they took her to the hospital, but nobody knows whats wrong. Sometimes she's fine. Other times she doesn't know where she is, what day it is, she doesn't know her name, or the names of her children. Its weird. Its really disconcerting and scary. Running family joke is that old bird will outlive us all. I mean yea, she complains of aches and pains every now and then (aka allthefuckingtime) but we always figured she had too much fun complaining to die. I know, that sounded awful but....its funny what you hang on to when you're scared, don't you think?

• Graduation: Jan 22, 2009
• Official Move: Still undecided. I don't have a place to live yet. Yipee.
• My three day vacation is officially over. Tomorrow its back to work. Four day straight. Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday.
• If my paychecks not fantabulous, I quit.

OH! I almost forgot! Wait, let me find it....[ click it! ]. No seriously, click it. Its so fun. I almost didn't finish this layout cus I was playing with that thing.

Have yourselves very happy holidays my dears
-A.

//Edit!// Last Night, God blessed me. Bruce broke up with me. It was fabulous. I was on the phone with my twin for about four and a half hours. A miracle, if you know me, and he called me three times while I was on the phone. The first two pretty much went like this.

Me: Hello?
Him: Hey
Me: I'm on the other line
Him: Oh okay, Bye.
Me: Bye.

But the third time, well now the third time was interesting. Twin had said something funny, so when I clicked over I was laughing. And the third time turned out something like this:

Me: (laughing) Hello?
Him: Does the nigga you're on the phone with know you have a man?
Me: (honestly confused) Excuse me?
Him: Can I ask you a quick question?
Me: .....sure....
Him: Are we exclusive?
Me: ....uhm.....
Him: You're taking too long to answer.
Me: So what does that mean?
Him: That we shouldn't be together anymore.
Me: (Laughing again) Okay.
Him: Okay bye.

I know I know. I'm terrible. I wanna do the victory dance now that its over though. (VICTORY!)

I'm gonna stop following your pathetic ass blogs. Why? You don't blog enough. I know your blog isn't about me but shit. I never have anything to read =[. I get on blogger, all excited, and there's nothing. OR! On some D'Angelo/Zula Bell type shit, it'll say there's something, but by the time I get there its been deleted. Raising my hopes for not a gotdamn thing. So I'm through following you. Absolutely through.

• Shani, I haven't gotten to the second book yet, no one will loan me a copy.

• Its looking like LA between the first and second weeks of January.

• there's a 50% chance I'll be voted employee of the month for the month of November

• Me and my twin are ridiculously excited about our new plan.

• I think I'm developing an unhealthy addiction to pornography.

• (no, you didn't actually read that, you just think you did)

• I'm going to FORCE myself to clean my room now.

Thats it.

-A.

Elliott Smith was a killer. This damn giutar. Shame he's dead. Anyway. Let me tell you what happened: I redid the blog layout, right? All good and well. Then I went to sleep. Woke up && came to blog, and realized that the blog layout hadn't changed. Now, I don't know if you saw it, but there's not that big a difference. It just upset the shit out of me. So I couldn't blog till I had my temper under control. Don't ask me why that would upset me that much, I've been pissy lately.

Twilight. I had no interest in it at all till I saw thirty minutes of the movie. Then I was like, "okay that looks interesting." I'd always much rather read a book then watch a movie, so I asked my little sister if I could borrow the first book from her. I devoured it. Its a big book. Two hours. Its a good book. I have a feeling that, though the movie will be good, it'll be nothing on the book. I've gotta get my hands on the second one. I'm a fiend when it comes to reading. I'm reading something I jacked from my mom now. Historical fiction about lost artifacts. I love stuff like that. Da Vinci Code type stuff. Makes you believe in magic, plus all of its completely possible.

I thought about God a lot today. Not quite ready to speak on that though. I've got to mash the thoughts up so that they're tolerable for your weak systems. Wouldn't want you getting sick or anything. What a shame that would be.

Jay Adams thinks he's gonna steal my Christmas. Psh fucking Ka. He can have it if he reimburses me. Wait, what was that? Didn't think so.

I've also worked everyday, for eight hours, since Thursday. My insomnia's kicking up, so I'll get about three hours of sleep, then about 8 hours of work. Do that for five days straight, and then try to spell the hardest word you can think of without spell check. Its a pain in the fucking ass. Apparently I can sell popcorn in my sleep though, cus I don't remember a damn thing about being at work, and they told me I had the highest sales of the day. Woot?

I clean better at night. At like two in the morning, when I'm starting to think about getting tired. It calms my mind down. I get to run all those random last minute thoughts out of my head, so when I lay down I can try to focus on actually being tired. I'm a slob in the day time, but I'm actually a neat freak at night. I have to straighten up everything. And it has to be perfect, or I'll mess the shit up again so I can try over tomorrow. I know, its a sickness. I'm actually a perfectionist, and thats my biggest weakness.

My moms friend is here from San Fran. She's sick, poor lamb. I can call her poor lamb cus she's 4'11. She's 41 years old, but she's 4'11, so I can call her whatever pet name I want. I've been taller than that woman since I was nine. However, she's flawless. Rolled into my lowly apartment with three pieces of Louis Vuitton luggage and shit, made me want to step my game up. Didn't feel so bad when she passed the fuck out. That was at 4 pm. Its 12:10 and my mom said she could wake up at any time, so I'm cowering in my room, trying not to play my music too loud.

I don't think there's anything else to say. Me and my twin are starting a challenge tomorrow. She doesn't know it yet. I'ma tell her when she wakes up lol. One day a week, you've got to wear heels out of the house, for absolutely no reason. Just to be bomb for a day. You've gotta post a picture, to prove that you've done it. lol, thats some shit we would both completely do. We're terrible. I love and miss her.

I had a dream that I moved to LA and lived there for three years without ever telling Bruce I was in the city. In that dream, I was so happy. Thats terrible.

"No ones going to fool around with us. No one's going to fool around with us. So glad to meet you, Angeles"

-A.