I blogged earlier, but I had another thought, so I'm back.

I lie. To myself mostly. I just want...I don't know. I want so much. And I feel like I deserve so much, till I feel like I shouldn't have to survive without the things I want. So I make them up. I satisfy myself and I move on. Thing about being a liar is, you generally know when someone's lying. Especially when you're doing it to yourself. It was easy to convince myself I was in love with Bruce when I didn't have him. Now that I do I'm trying to figure out what the hell I was thinking. I don't like that little boy. I do love him. But I'm not in love with him. The love I have for him is obligatory. I don't want anything to happen to him, but not for him. Its such a selfish feeling. I want him to sit in a corner, and be there, whenever I have one of those moments where I need him to be there. But I don't want him to touch me. Or talk to me. Or talk to anyone else about the fact that I told him I loved him. Just....sit there. Don't move. Don't touch anything. Don't fuck up the life I'm building for myself, and I might just let you stay around. As long as you're "staying around" over there.

My second to last day in LA, he asked me why I treated him so bad. I told him because he let me, & because he could take it. I'd always figured that one day he'd man up, and make me act like I had some sense. I don't want to be dominated, damn all you people that think that. However, I do want a dude that could dominate me, if we wanted to. I want a man, not some little kid I could play mind games with for three years, and still have trailing around after me, skipping school and ditching his job to spend mass quantities of time with me whenever I come into town. I'd have more respect for a man that told me he was sorry, but he couldn't see me, cus he had shit to do. That's sexy. But when Bruce told me he wasn't going to allow me to treat him this way anymore, I didn't even hear him. I wasn't even listening to him. I was thinking about Starbucks, honestly. Because I don't believe him. I believe he's all talk. And even if he was to be dead serious, I still don't think I'd let him be the man I keep around. I think I'd let him go. "Oh, you don't want to play the game anymore? Well thank you so much for your services, I hope you have a wonderful life." And thats how its pretty much been with every individual I've involved myself with since I began involving myself with individuals in that way.

The only reason I continue coming back to Bruce, is out of fear. Its a completely irrational fear for a seventeen year old to have, mind you. What if nobody else will tolerate me? Bruce is the only one who's stuck around this long. So even though I respect him the least, for not standing up for himself at all, I need him the most. If he were to stop loving me, that'd be it. I'd be truly unwanted. And who's to say if I'll ever get that back? Irrational, I know, I've got the rest of my life and blah, blah, blah. But fear isn't supposed to make sense, and this one most definitely doesn't. More than anything else, I couldn't take saying that there was nobody in the world who'd want to marry me someday, who'd want me to have their children. Who'd want me to love them. I....in a world where everyone falls in love so readily, and allows themselves to be so happy, so easily....I wouldn't want to be alone. Couldn't bear it really (is that bear or bare?). So I keep Bruce around. Just when he's about to get sick of me, I give him something, I confession of undying love. A sappy blog about what an idiot I am, so he'll stay (he reads this, btw. Wonder how that's gonna go....). And he always does, he always stays, because I think he harbors the same irrational fear that I do. But once he's agreed to stay, I always push him away, put him on a diet of maybe two or three "I love you"'s a week, and hope he dies from lack of attention, or shuffles off to find a better deal. Saying that he left me is just easier to swallow. Why? Because nobody would believe it.

Didn't expect you to understand that last part. Blah.

I'm too worried about my future to live in the now, I guess. I don't talk to people I don't see potential in. No need to waste my time. But I'm seventeen. I've got nothing but time, to waste. Even if I met the perfect man, right now, he wouldn't marry me. I'm seventeen. We wouldn't immediately start having babies. I'm seventeeen. And yes, I tell myself this all the time. That I should just live in the moment but I can't. Its not how I'm built. Plus, living in the moment is how I met Bruce in the first place, and why the hell would I want to do some shit like that again?

Plus, I think I'm unapproachable. Something about intelligence being intimidating. Oops? Maybe the kind of man I'm looking for doesn't exist yet. Maybe I should become a scientist so I could create him -scratches chin.

I'm going to sleep so I can dream up the prototype. G'night.

-A.