Its 2 o clock in the morning, so forgive me if I ramble, or misspell words, or have bad grammar. Keep in mind that I don't actually have anything important to say, depending of course on your definition of important, so if you've never been a fan of the rambling blogs, you should probably skip this one.
Whats up Shani? You & Zula have become like, my two most faithful blog readers. Don't trip Danny, Sam, I know yall still around. You just show it differently. Zula & Shani comment. Daniel turns some shit from my blog into his stat on Y! like a black person. The duck wasn't even that good, by the way. Thats gay, right? Yeah, son, thats what I said. The rest of it was bomb though.
I'm moving back to California in the beginning of February. I start school out there on Valentines. Made this decision without consulting my mom, so she's kind of in a tizzy. Oops? I wasn't thinking when I made the arrangements. I know that sounds impossible, but it was really, impulsive. I did it all last night. Almost exactly twenty four hours ago actually. I just...did it. Its not hard. An online application here, a well placed email there, & boom. She's registered for school start February 14 2009. She's got a place to stay, financial aid, and a job.
I bet you're wondering, if its that easy, why the hell I've been out here for so long. The answer being, my family found my weak spot & pushed on that shit. Thats what sucks about having geniuses as family members. These motherfuckers told me my happiness and success didn't have anything to do with where I was, it was just me. I was just unhappy. I was just unsuccessful. Oh. They told me when I could be happy and successful where I was, then I could be happy and successful anywhere, and they'd let me go.
But, approximately twenty four hours ago, something hit me. The word "let". Hold the fuck up. I pay bills around here. You don't let me do shit. I do what I want. I mean that in the least temper tantrum throwing way humanly possible. I do what my mother asks out of respect for her. Not because she deserves it (sounds harsh, but its true), not because I'm scared of her, not because I'm afraid she'll kick me out. I do what she says because theres no reason for me not to. It makes life easier, everybody's pleased, so why not.
But the fact of the matter is, I'm not happy here. Its not me. Its here. When I was flat broke in LA, I was happy. I had friends, I had good grades, I had a hustle, I had my city. I was happy. Broke as hell and happy. I got out here and started fucking up. Nothing to do. Nowhere to go. No one who understood. And I'm not happy here. And why should I try to force myself to be happy here, when I know I could be happy there? Souds bullshitty to me. How bout you?
So I'm moving. At least thats the plan as of *looks at watch* now. And thats the most groundbreaking event in my life. Anything ground breaking going on in your life? You should tell me about it.
Oh, and randomly, I'd like to let you all know, that since Thanksgiving has officially passed, I start my birthday countdown on Monday, December 1st. So if you start to see random numbers in my stats, or in the blog somewhere, thats what that is, and so you'll have absolutely no excuse not to tell me happy birthday.
The end.
-A.
Gotta Be Feelin Some Kinda Way About It.
28.11.08
You're All I Need To Get By.
24.11.08
Uhm....what's good lil white blogger box? Long time. And hey, all you nondescript, blog lurking individuals who read my blog without ever taking the time out to let me know you read my blog. How've yall been? My relationships with yall have also been lacking. The worlds been gray lately. Conversation suffers first in a gray world. Nobody wants to talk about much, cus nobody wants to complain. And the people that do talk a lot are complaining, so no one wants to talk to them. Shame, right? Welp, thats the way the cookie crumbles. Oooh, cookies. Moving on.
Thanksgiving on Thursday. What? What?! Anybody else getting hungry just thinking about it? I am, for diggity damn sure. Macaroni and cheese. My mom bought duck this year. Turkey, ham, and duck. The white people are starting to get to her, cus I told her I don't know not one nigga [in all of niggadom] who had duck for Thanksgiving. But its cool. I have to work Thanksgiving morning. You may think thats lame, but I'm cool with it. All I do on Thanksgiving is wake up early and wait six hours for the food to be ready anyway. Now, during that six hours I'd normally be desperately hungry and browsing myspace, I'll be feeding greedy fat white people mass quantities of popcorn, and can anyone say time and a half? Oh yes. Life is good in the hood.
Bruce just called me. No bluetooth and its hard to talk and type at the same time, but I just put him on speaker so I"m back. All sorts of sixteen minutes later. What was I saying? Oh yea.
I really thought I was big pimping when I went on my LA trip. I've been broke as a gotdamn joke since I've been back. my bank account is overdrawn forty two dollars and I have about 77 cents to my name. I get paid this Friday. So now you see why I'm picking up every available shift at my job. I can't take that poorness. Being broke is not in my genetic make up. Selling off my Coach purses in the meantime. I have four. Three of them are up for sale. Anybody interested? I'm selling em hella cheap. I'll charge you shipping though. Nothings free in this world my loves.
There is nothing else for me to say except that I'm no longer pleased with this blog layout. I know! I know! I said this was going to be the last one, but I honestly don't think any of you read that blog, because I covered it up so quickly, and no matter how many times you click the older posts button, you'll never find it [oooh, solve that riddle] anyway, because nobody read the blog that said I wasn't going to change the layout again after this one, there's no one to hold me to it. So there! I win. I think I'm going to bring back those lips. So it'll be the same layout, in essence, just different color scheme. Zula liked the lips. I'm always happy if Zula likes it. Or if theres another sexy eye, I'll change it to that. I don't think I'm going to do it tonight thought [which of course, means I am] I need to finish these job applications and go to sleep. I've got work and school tomorrow. But yea, I'm trying to work two jobs through the holidays. Cus the time and a half for the holiday shifts at regal, plus supplementary income from job to, plus the 1400 I'm gonna get for my birthday, plus the fact that I won't be in school from Mid January to the beginning of April means I should have a car, a decent one, by this summer. Especially if I get a better job in April, like one that pays more than minimum wage. A bitch is sick of minimum wage.
At some point I probably should've turned that into a new paragraph, but I couldn't think of where I'd do it sooooo....goodbye lovers.
-A.
Thanksgiving on Thursday. What? What?! Anybody else getting hungry just thinking about it? I am, for diggity damn sure. Macaroni and cheese. My mom bought duck this year. Turkey, ham, and duck. The white people are starting to get to her, cus I told her I don't know not one nigga [in all of niggadom] who had duck for Thanksgiving. But its cool. I have to work Thanksgiving morning. You may think thats lame, but I'm cool with it. All I do on Thanksgiving is wake up early and wait six hours for the food to be ready anyway. Now, during that six hours I'd normally be desperately hungry and browsing myspace, I'll be feeding greedy fat white people mass quantities of popcorn, and can anyone say time and a half? Oh yes. Life is good in the hood.
Bruce just called me. No bluetooth and its hard to talk and type at the same time, but I just put him on speaker so I"m back. All sorts of sixteen minutes later. What was I saying? Oh yea.
I really thought I was big pimping when I went on my LA trip. I've been broke as a gotdamn joke since I've been back. my bank account is overdrawn forty two dollars and I have about 77 cents to my name. I get paid this Friday. So now you see why I'm picking up every available shift at my job. I can't take that poorness. Being broke is not in my genetic make up. Selling off my Coach purses in the meantime. I have four. Three of them are up for sale. Anybody interested? I'm selling em hella cheap. I'll charge you shipping though. Nothings free in this world my loves.
There is nothing else for me to say except that I'm no longer pleased with this blog layout. I know! I know! I said this was going to be the last one, but I honestly don't think any of you read that blog, because I covered it up so quickly, and no matter how many times you click the older posts button, you'll never find it [oooh, solve that riddle] anyway, because nobody read the blog that said I wasn't going to change the layout again after this one, there's no one to hold me to it. So there! I win. I think I'm going to bring back those lips. So it'll be the same layout, in essence, just different color scheme. Zula liked the lips. I'm always happy if Zula likes it. Or if theres another sexy eye, I'll change it to that. I don't think I'm going to do it tonight thought [which of course, means I am] I need to finish these job applications and go to sleep. I've got work and school tomorrow. But yea, I'm trying to work two jobs through the holidays. Cus the time and a half for the holiday shifts at regal, plus supplementary income from job to, plus the 1400 I'm gonna get for my birthday, plus the fact that I won't be in school from Mid January to the beginning of April means I should have a car, a decent one, by this summer. Especially if I get a better job in April, like one that pays more than minimum wage. A bitch is sick of minimum wage.
At some point I probably should've turned that into a new paragraph, but I couldn't think of where I'd do it sooooo....goodbye lovers.
-A.
Fear
18.11.08
Listen && Understand
Basically, for my song lyric for today I was going to do a quote from that song, but I couldn't think of just one. So yea.
-A.
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Basically, for my song lyric for today I was going to do a quote from that song, but I couldn't think of just one. So yea.
-A.
Pregnancy
16.11.08
"Unsure of what the balance held, I touched my belly, overwhelmed, by what I had been chosen to perform"
Lol, now that I've backspaced the bullshit, let me try to explain logically why this is bothering me. Okay, deep breath:
I'm seventeen years old. I'll be eighteen next month. I'm excited. I've felt like I've been grown for a long time, and so my family members (evil geniuses they are) told me that they'd consider me grown when I could come up with a reasonable definition of it, outside of "old enough to buy cigarettes". I thought about it, for a long time, and when I was fourteen I told my mother that being grown was having the presence of mind to know that just because you could do something, didn't mean you needed to do it. I've been grown in the eyes of my family ever since. That's when my mother started fronting her ID for my alcohol, lol. Different blog, but the point is:
It seems that people around my age are getting pregnant really quickly. I know I've discussed this before, but its really irking me. It seems foolish. I mean, I don't know. My mom was old enough to have me, she was twenty one, that's respectable. But she wasn't in the financial position to have a baby. It would of been fine, if she'd have stopped with me, but she kept going, and only with Jonathan was she in the financial position to support three kids. Growing up in that, seeing how it effected not just us, but her, I decided that I wasn't going to have a baby until I was old enough to financially support one. I vowed that when I was ten, the day my mom told me she was pregnant with my little brother.
When I was twelve I'd had really bad periods, and so we put me on birth control. That's when we discovered that I was allergic. That was a major set back to my sex having plans, let me tell you. Lol, I mean, condoms are all good and well, but my mom used condoms and birth control with all three of her kids....so uhm, you see why I was hesitant. Plus, we could only afford the cheap ones, and I'll be damned if I spend four dollars on some condoms just to have them bitches rip and get pregnant anyway (twelve year old mentality, mind you), so I held off on sex. Time went by, realized, didn't need to be having sex with the dudes that I would've been having sex with anyway. And, in general, I'm pretty okay with my non sex having lifestyle. Occasionally my hormones flare up and I wish I could be a hoe for five minutes, but in general, I'm satisfied.
Fast forward to 2008 and every bitch you've known since the sixth grade, who's birthday is two weeks before, or two weeks after, yours is pregnant. And pleased with this. Not even feeling like a failure. Bold about their pregnancy. All over myspace and on the phone and in text messages "Oh, I'm having a baby!" Bitch do you realize you're broke, your baby daddy's broke, shit, your moms still broke, she hasn't recovered from your punk ass yet. Do you realize you haven't made it out of high school, your baby daddy never made it out of high school, and your mom has so little school that, at 39, she's still working two jobs to keep a roof over your head. Do you realize that by the time the baby's born, you probably won't even like the father, so forget wanting to spend the rest of your life with him. Do you realize that your baby is going to be as lost, misguided, confused, stubborn, and sometimes downright stupid as you? Have you thought about any of these things? I know you haven't. 'Cause if you had, you wouldn't be anywhere near as proud. I just want to grab these girls and shake them. You're not grown! The fact that you think you can conquer the world at eighteen is a testament to how not grown you are! [ insert growl here ] drives me insane, I tell you.
But more than that, honestly, more than being angry at stupid little kids who think they're grown, I'm scared. Scared because I realize that eventually, the stupid little girl getting pregnant is going to be me. I mean, I don't know what you think this is, but I won't be a virgin forever. And I'm scared. What if I get pregnant and I'm not ready? What if I'm not in a financial position to have a baby and I have one? What if I'm broke? If I haven't made it out of school? If I don't like the baby's father? What would I do? I know its dumb that I freak myself out about things that haven't happened yet, but I realized a long time ago that thinking about what could happen generally prevents it from happening. Which is a blessing and a curse (once again, diffferent blog), I'm just saying, I'm ridiculously scared.
Completely off topic: My house is making rather frightening, and completely uncharacteristic noises. I have the base of a broken lamp for protection. I will kick a muhfucka's ass in here tonight, don't doubt me
"But then an angel came one day, told me to kneel down and pray, for unto me a man child would be born"
-A.
Lol, now that I've backspaced the bullshit, let me try to explain logically why this is bothering me. Okay, deep breath:
I'm seventeen years old. I'll be eighteen next month. I'm excited. I've felt like I've been grown for a long time, and so my family members (evil geniuses they are) told me that they'd consider me grown when I could come up with a reasonable definition of it, outside of "old enough to buy cigarettes". I thought about it, for a long time, and when I was fourteen I told my mother that being grown was having the presence of mind to know that just because you could do something, didn't mean you needed to do it. I've been grown in the eyes of my family ever since. That's when my mother started fronting her ID for my alcohol, lol. Different blog, but the point is:
It seems that people around my age are getting pregnant really quickly. I know I've discussed this before, but its really irking me. It seems foolish. I mean, I don't know. My mom was old enough to have me, she was twenty one, that's respectable. But she wasn't in the financial position to have a baby. It would of been fine, if she'd have stopped with me, but she kept going, and only with Jonathan was she in the financial position to support three kids. Growing up in that, seeing how it effected not just us, but her, I decided that I wasn't going to have a baby until I was old enough to financially support one. I vowed that when I was ten, the day my mom told me she was pregnant with my little brother.
When I was twelve I'd had really bad periods, and so we put me on birth control. That's when we discovered that I was allergic. That was a major set back to my sex having plans, let me tell you. Lol, I mean, condoms are all good and well, but my mom used condoms and birth control with all three of her kids....so uhm, you see why I was hesitant. Plus, we could only afford the cheap ones, and I'll be damned if I spend four dollars on some condoms just to have them bitches rip and get pregnant anyway (twelve year old mentality, mind you), so I held off on sex. Time went by, realized, didn't need to be having sex with the dudes that I would've been having sex with anyway. And, in general, I'm pretty okay with my non sex having lifestyle. Occasionally my hormones flare up and I wish I could be a hoe for five minutes, but in general, I'm satisfied.
Fast forward to 2008 and every bitch you've known since the sixth grade, who's birthday is two weeks before, or two weeks after, yours is pregnant. And pleased with this. Not even feeling like a failure. Bold about their pregnancy. All over myspace and on the phone and in text messages "Oh, I'm having a baby!" Bitch do you realize you're broke, your baby daddy's broke, shit, your moms still broke, she hasn't recovered from your punk ass yet. Do you realize you haven't made it out of high school, your baby daddy never made it out of high school, and your mom has so little school that, at 39, she's still working two jobs to keep a roof over your head. Do you realize that by the time the baby's born, you probably won't even like the father, so forget wanting to spend the rest of your life with him. Do you realize that your baby is going to be as lost, misguided, confused, stubborn, and sometimes downright stupid as you? Have you thought about any of these things? I know you haven't. 'Cause if you had, you wouldn't be anywhere near as proud. I just want to grab these girls and shake them. You're not grown! The fact that you think you can conquer the world at eighteen is a testament to how not grown you are! [ insert growl here ] drives me insane, I tell you.
But more than that, honestly, more than being angry at stupid little kids who think they're grown, I'm scared. Scared because I realize that eventually, the stupid little girl getting pregnant is going to be me. I mean, I don't know what you think this is, but I won't be a virgin forever. And I'm scared. What if I get pregnant and I'm not ready? What if I'm not in a financial position to have a baby and I have one? What if I'm broke? If I haven't made it out of school? If I don't like the baby's father? What would I do? I know its dumb that I freak myself out about things that haven't happened yet, but I realized a long time ago that thinking about what could happen generally prevents it from happening. Which is a blessing and a curse (once again, diffferent blog), I'm just saying, I'm ridiculously scared.
Completely off topic: My house is making rather frightening, and completely uncharacteristic noises. I have the base of a broken lamp for protection. I will kick a muhfucka's ass in here tonight, don't doubt me
"But then an angel came one day, told me to kneel down and pray, for unto me a man child would be born"
-A.
pt 2
15.11.08
"This here is on some truthful shit, it seems like everything he does I'm used to it"
But who says that's such a bad thing? I mean, no, my blood doesn't boil in his presence anymore; and no, I don't get the shivers when he touches me, but he's steady. There's something to be said for steady, isn't there? I mean, I've changed drastically over the passed few years, and so has he, but he's always been there. Yes, the majority of the time, thats irritating. And yes, my every experience with him is similar to a roller coaster you've been on for far too long, but its still a ride, is it not? Wouldn't I rather be on it, than standing on the ground, watching?
Ehh, so much for metaphors. Lets be honest. I don't want to be alone. I'll repeat that its not that I don't know how, or that I'm afraid to be, its just that I'd rather not. And since he's standing there, and insists on standing there, no matter how much I try to push him away, why not let him stand there? His presence is usually more comforting than it is annoying.....usually. And when he gets tired of standing there, and decides to move, let him. Let the chips fall where they may, right? Then it'll be sink or swim time, and those of you who think I can't handle being alone will see that I can handle it just fine. Till then, it makes him feel important to stand there, and it makes me feel good to know he's standing there. Its still a win win situation.
How can he expect me to take him seriously, anyway? He dropped out of school! High school! Just left, because he didn't feel like it anymore. He still lives with his mother. He's two months from being 20 years old. Almost twenty years old: No house, no car, not even a license, no high school diploma, no job. And apparently he doesn't have his dignity either because he continuously allows me to treat him like this. Maybe he thinks he's punishing himself for being a failure. Suits me just fine, since he is one. I'd prefer he punish himself for being a failure by making himself a success. No cure for laziness like hard work, if you ask me. It'd be different, if he were trying. I can appreciate trying. But its been three years. Two and a half since I left, and he's gone more downhill every time I see him.
Do you know what he told me the other night? He told me that he was glad he wasn't the man he was when I met him. Said that man was weak, because he fell in love with me, and allowed my leaving to break him. But let me tell you about that man, let me tell you about the man I fell in love with. Because the man I fell in love with had a job, and multiple side hustles. The man I fell in love with had art displayed in the Los Angeles Museum of Ethnic Arts. The man I fell in love with had the fourth highest SAT score in Los Angeles County. That's the man I fell in love with. The man I fell in love with told me I was going to love him. Told me, can you imagine? And now he's become an angry little brat with no ambition, no drive, and no intention of doing anything other than what he's doing right now. An angry little creature with pride enough to tell me he's not going to be the man I want, but not enough pride to tell me he's leaving. And he expects respect? How can I? Could you? I very unapologetically (Firefox tells me unapologetically isn't a word, but unapologetic is.....strange) tell you that I cannot. Respect is earned, and he's nowhere near it.
But, as I said, I'll allow him to stand there, until he decides to leave. Maybe watching me conquer the world one useless nigga at a time will knock the sense into him. One can only hope.
"This here is something personal, I highly doubt this feeling is reversible"
But who says that's such a bad thing? I mean, no, my blood doesn't boil in his presence anymore; and no, I don't get the shivers when he touches me, but he's steady. There's something to be said for steady, isn't there? I mean, I've changed drastically over the passed few years, and so has he, but he's always been there. Yes, the majority of the time, thats irritating. And yes, my every experience with him is similar to a roller coaster you've been on for far too long, but its still a ride, is it not? Wouldn't I rather be on it, than standing on the ground, watching?
Ehh, so much for metaphors. Lets be honest. I don't want to be alone. I'll repeat that its not that I don't know how, or that I'm afraid to be, its just that I'd rather not. And since he's standing there, and insists on standing there, no matter how much I try to push him away, why not let him stand there? His presence is usually more comforting than it is annoying.....usually. And when he gets tired of standing there, and decides to move, let him. Let the chips fall where they may, right? Then it'll be sink or swim time, and those of you who think I can't handle being alone will see that I can handle it just fine. Till then, it makes him feel important to stand there, and it makes me feel good to know he's standing there. Its still a win win situation.
How can he expect me to take him seriously, anyway? He dropped out of school! High school! Just left, because he didn't feel like it anymore. He still lives with his mother. He's two months from being 20 years old. Almost twenty years old: No house, no car, not even a license, no high school diploma, no job. And apparently he doesn't have his dignity either because he continuously allows me to treat him like this. Maybe he thinks he's punishing himself for being a failure. Suits me just fine, since he is one. I'd prefer he punish himself for being a failure by making himself a success. No cure for laziness like hard work, if you ask me. It'd be different, if he were trying. I can appreciate trying. But its been three years. Two and a half since I left, and he's gone more downhill every time I see him.
Do you know what he told me the other night? He told me that he was glad he wasn't the man he was when I met him. Said that man was weak, because he fell in love with me, and allowed my leaving to break him. But let me tell you about that man, let me tell you about the man I fell in love with. Because the man I fell in love with had a job, and multiple side hustles. The man I fell in love with had art displayed in the Los Angeles Museum of Ethnic Arts. The man I fell in love with had the fourth highest SAT score in Los Angeles County. That's the man I fell in love with. The man I fell in love with told me I was going to love him. Told me, can you imagine? And now he's become an angry little brat with no ambition, no drive, and no intention of doing anything other than what he's doing right now. An angry little creature with pride enough to tell me he's not going to be the man I want, but not enough pride to tell me he's leaving. And he expects respect? How can I? Could you? I very unapologetically (Firefox tells me unapologetically isn't a word, but unapologetic is.....strange) tell you that I cannot. Respect is earned, and he's nowhere near it.
But, as I said, I'll allow him to stand there, until he decides to leave. Maybe watching me conquer the world one useless nigga at a time will knock the sense into him. One can only hope.
"This here is something personal, I highly doubt this feeling is reversible"
Brand New
14.11.08
"I can't even find the perfect brush so I can paint whats going through my mind"
I have a headache. I call them the "no way out" headaches. Its when your head hurts so bad you want to cry, but you don't cry to avoid that nasty headache you get after you cry, so the tears build up right behind your eyes till its so much pressure that you feel like you're going to explode. Yea, its one of those.
When you've been with somebody for three years, the Drake song Brand New takes on new meaning. Because its no longer a question. You know for a fact nothing that you're doing is brand new. But what if you've been scraping right at the border of acceptability for those three years? What if, for three years, you knew she wasn't really happy, but she was holding on because she knew you were trying, and all of the sudden, it feels like she doesn't wanna hold on anymore. That'd be kinda terrifying, don't you think?
So what do you do? You've only got a couple options. Actually, you don't really have any. You have to sit back and wait for her to end it. Every time you try to talk to her, to sort things out, she closes up. She doesn't talk when you call her, she never calls you, you don't know what to do. You start to get that cold feeling in your heart, bracing against the hurt, waiting for that final blow, then it can be over, and you can move on.
But it never comes. She just keeps playing. One day she loves you, the next she doesn't. And everything in you wants to just be whats she wants, do what she wants so that she'll come back to you, but she's been running you around, playing games with you for years, and you know that she doesn't want you to let her do it anymore. So you don't, you refuse to be the person she wants. You refuse to budge. You stay true to yourself.
And you end up in a relationship all by yourself. She doesn't speak, she doesn't try, she dares you to leave her, without ever saying a word. Eventually you will. You'll show her that you can. You prove your point. But your worst fear is that she really doesn't care. That she'll applaud you for finally growing some balls, and go on living her life - happier now that you're officially in the rearview.
So what do you do? When nothing that you're doings brand new...
"Racing against myself, but I'm a couple steps behind"
This, of course, is written from his point of view. Except for the part about the headache. I really do have a headache.
-A.
I have a headache. I call them the "no way out" headaches. Its when your head hurts so bad you want to cry, but you don't cry to avoid that nasty headache you get after you cry, so the tears build up right behind your eyes till its so much pressure that you feel like you're going to explode. Yea, its one of those.
When you've been with somebody for three years, the Drake song Brand New takes on new meaning. Because its no longer a question. You know for a fact nothing that you're doing is brand new. But what if you've been scraping right at the border of acceptability for those three years? What if, for three years, you knew she wasn't really happy, but she was holding on because she knew you were trying, and all of the sudden, it feels like she doesn't wanna hold on anymore. That'd be kinda terrifying, don't you think?
So what do you do? You've only got a couple options. Actually, you don't really have any. You have to sit back and wait for her to end it. Every time you try to talk to her, to sort things out, she closes up. She doesn't talk when you call her, she never calls you, you don't know what to do. You start to get that cold feeling in your heart, bracing against the hurt, waiting for that final blow, then it can be over, and you can move on.
But it never comes. She just keeps playing. One day she loves you, the next she doesn't. And everything in you wants to just be whats she wants, do what she wants so that she'll come back to you, but she's been running you around, playing games with you for years, and you know that she doesn't want you to let her do it anymore. So you don't, you refuse to be the person she wants. You refuse to budge. You stay true to yourself.
And you end up in a relationship all by yourself. She doesn't speak, she doesn't try, she dares you to leave her, without ever saying a word. Eventually you will. You'll show her that you can. You prove your point. But your worst fear is that she really doesn't care. That she'll applaud you for finally growing some balls, and go on living her life - happier now that you're officially in the rearview.
So what do you do? When nothing that you're doings brand new...
"Racing against myself, but I'm a couple steps behind"
This, of course, is written from his point of view. Except for the part about the headache. I really do have a headache.
-A.
If You Don't Know Me By Now....
12.11.08
"The way we live, the way we die, what a tragedy, I'm so terrified"
So....the blogs done. For pretty much the last time. I've officially lost the battle with the older posts button. The thing about this blog (yes, you've seen the layout before, we'll get to that later) is that in the [exits] section, it'll give you the last ten older posts. A little less convenient, I'm sure, however, rooting around in the history of my blog shouldn't be easy...now should it?
As far as where you've seen it before, this is the same layout as the Jellybeans one. If I'd been smart, thats the layout I'd have stuck with. That one or the eye. Two of my best, I tell you. But they're both gone, and so this is all I could do. Its not bad. Simply complex. I hope it doesn't confuse anyone...but I've been doing navigations for so long that if you don't get it by now there's not hope for you anyway.
I should've never left the old blog, and started this one. Thats another foolish thing I should've never done. But whatever, its done now. However, I'm not going to acknowledge the change anymore. This is actually my 273rd blog. Ha. When I get to 300, the recap will be a combination of the two.
My F key is broken, and I can't afford to have it fixed.
My birthdays coming, and we probably won't do anything.
I don't know whats wrong with singingbox, but I have no music =[
I'm going away now....far...far...away.
"Daydreamers, please wake up. We can't sleep no more."
-A.
So....the blogs done. For pretty much the last time. I've officially lost the battle with the older posts button. The thing about this blog (yes, you've seen the layout before, we'll get to that later) is that in the [exits] section, it'll give you the last ten older posts. A little less convenient, I'm sure, however, rooting around in the history of my blog shouldn't be easy...now should it?
As far as where you've seen it before, this is the same layout as the Jellybeans one. If I'd been smart, thats the layout I'd have stuck with. That one or the eye. Two of my best, I tell you. But they're both gone, and so this is all I could do. Its not bad. Simply complex. I hope it doesn't confuse anyone...but I've been doing navigations for so long that if you don't get it by now there's not hope for you anyway.
I should've never left the old blog, and started this one. Thats another foolish thing I should've never done. But whatever, its done now. However, I'm not going to acknowledge the change anymore. This is actually my 273rd blog. Ha. When I get to 300, the recap will be a combination of the two.
My F key is broken, and I can't afford to have it fixed.
My birthdays coming, and we probably won't do anything.
I don't know whats wrong with singingbox, but I have no music =[
I'm going away now....far...far...away.
"Daydreamers, please wake up. We can't sleep no more."
-A.
5:56
11.11.08
Okay, for one thing, I need you to understand that its six o clock in the morning and I haven't been to sleep yet. I've been up all night, fiddling around with this blog. Now, you're insane if you think it took me all night to come up with what you're looking at now. I was trying to get the iFrame to work, which its kind of doing now, in a really ghetto, roundabout kind of way. All of this is related to my story, I'm just kind of rambling because I'm exhausted.
The blog you're looking at and the blog you're reading aren't the same blog. As we all know, I have three. Literary-romance, the one you're looking at, writtenobsession, the poetry blog, and x0x0shy, the tester blog, which is the one you're actually reading right now. See, I couldn't get the iFrame to just link to another part of the page, so for now, just so I could see how it looks, its linked to the tester.
Why? Because I wanted a real older posts button, and I wanted the music to continue playing when you clicked the older posts button. Yes, there are more straightforward ways of doing that, but they involve learning new code. Not finding new code, not trying new code, familiarizing myself with an entirely new language. Not up for it tonight.
Anyway, if you've been with the blog for a while, you'll know that x0x0shy, the tester blog, was actually the original literary-romance. I changed blogs sometime during the summer, when the blog title was syllable seduction. I took literary-romance back a couple months after. It doesn't feel right if I'm not blogging here. I really am trying to stay on topic, hold on.
Okay but anyway, because the blog finally has a real older posts button & everything, I was clicking it. You should too if, like I said before, you've been following the blog for a while. There's some oldies but goodies on here. Like damn, I used to blog. Fuck the bullshit, like, some of the stuff I was reading while I was clicking through here had me almost in tears. And I wondered when I'd stopped blogging like that. Then I figured it out.
I stopped blogging like that when I started to care more about what the blog looked like then what the blog said. I mean yea, I have become a little obsessive about my layouts. I've had some pretty good ones, that I should've just stuck with, but I'm silly, so I changed them. Always looking for something better, more advanced. And it never occured to me that I was sacrificing content for appearence. Not till now. And when it did....well I mean, wow. Color me stupid. I just kind of....stopped. & stared at the screen for a while. I'd been looking at backgrounds for the blog. I was changing the color scheme. It was going to be black & green. It probably still will be but, when I realized what I'd been doing, I had to stop, and come back here, to the original literary-romance, and talk for a little while. Cus now that I think about it, I've been doing some shit that I never did when I blogged here. I've been lying to my blog. Lying to an inanimate web page. How fucking stupid am I? Who tells a computer screen what they think it wants to hear? Isn't that silly? Gosh. Lol, I don't know.
When I finish this layout (which I have to now, its going to bother me for years if I don't), its going to be the last one I have for a while. I'm not saying its going to be a long while...I do have OCD when it comes to this shit....its kind of compulsive, but...I don't know. Can I ask for you guys' help? When I start to sound like a raving lunatic, but my layout is bomb, can you please steer me in a more sane direction? It doesn't take much. Just something along the lines of
"You're doing it again."
Would probably be enough to get me back on track. Think we can try that? Thank you.
Until then, or, until I get this layout fixed, don't hit the archives button in the "links" section. Its a mess, trust me.
Love Yall
-A.
The blog you're looking at and the blog you're reading aren't the same blog. As we all know, I have three. Literary-romance, the one you're looking at, writtenobsession, the poetry blog, and x0x0shy, the tester blog, which is the one you're actually reading right now. See, I couldn't get the iFrame to just link to another part of the page, so for now, just so I could see how it looks, its linked to the tester.
Why? Because I wanted a real older posts button, and I wanted the music to continue playing when you clicked the older posts button. Yes, there are more straightforward ways of doing that, but they involve learning new code. Not finding new code, not trying new code, familiarizing myself with an entirely new language. Not up for it tonight.
Anyway, if you've been with the blog for a while, you'll know that x0x0shy, the tester blog, was actually the original literary-romance. I changed blogs sometime during the summer, when the blog title was syllable seduction. I took literary-romance back a couple months after. It doesn't feel right if I'm not blogging here. I really am trying to stay on topic, hold on.
Okay but anyway, because the blog finally has a real older posts button & everything, I was clicking it. You should too if, like I said before, you've been following the blog for a while. There's some oldies but goodies on here. Like damn, I used to blog. Fuck the bullshit, like, some of the stuff I was reading while I was clicking through here had me almost in tears. And I wondered when I'd stopped blogging like that. Then I figured it out.
I stopped blogging like that when I started to care more about what the blog looked like then what the blog said. I mean yea, I have become a little obsessive about my layouts. I've had some pretty good ones, that I should've just stuck with, but I'm silly, so I changed them. Always looking for something better, more advanced. And it never occured to me that I was sacrificing content for appearence. Not till now. And when it did....well I mean, wow. Color me stupid. I just kind of....stopped. & stared at the screen for a while. I'd been looking at backgrounds for the blog. I was changing the color scheme. It was going to be black & green. It probably still will be but, when I realized what I'd been doing, I had to stop, and come back here, to the original literary-romance, and talk for a little while. Cus now that I think about it, I've been doing some shit that I never did when I blogged here. I've been lying to my blog. Lying to an inanimate web page. How fucking stupid am I? Who tells a computer screen what they think it wants to hear? Isn't that silly? Gosh. Lol, I don't know.
When I finish this layout (which I have to now, its going to bother me for years if I don't), its going to be the last one I have for a while. I'm not saying its going to be a long while...I do have OCD when it comes to this shit....its kind of compulsive, but...I don't know. Can I ask for you guys' help? When I start to sound like a raving lunatic, but my layout is bomb, can you please steer me in a more sane direction? It doesn't take much. Just something along the lines of
"You're doing it again."
Would probably be enough to get me back on track. Think we can try that? Thank you.
Until then, or, until I get this layout fixed, don't hit the archives button in the "links" section. Its a mess, trust me.
Love Yall
-A.
Teeheehee
10.11.08
Fuck that last blog, it was thirsty. Oh, shit, I forgot my song lyric.
"I was born by the river, in a little tent"
Had a bomb day today. Chilled with my friend Monica. We had a ball doing absolutely nothing. We watched like a movie & a half & did art projects & shit. Good times. She's trying to hook me up with this dude, that happens to know my old classmate Nicole, so now they've teamed up. Whatever, another blog for another day.
"Oh and just like the river, I've been running ever since"
Samantha! =[ I miss you, loser. You better be reading this. See, this is the problem. You don't have a phone, mine is tripping, you're never on yahoo or myspace, so we can't talk. Thats not whats up. We need to fix this. You & Zula used to be like my heart. Now....its broken! -tear. Fuck ever. I need to speak with you. I still have that MMS you & dasia sent me [:">], i listen to it before I go to sleep sometims. Lemme stop before I get mushy. Tell Mr. Pinion I said hello as well.
"Its been a long, long time coming"
This blog layout is beginning to irritate me. I think I'm going to go back to a template. But....I really really....do want an older posts button. I guess I'll have to fiddle with it till it works. I'm doing youtube videos tomorrow. Multiple I think. We'll see. Whatever.
"But I know a change gone come..."
-A.
"I was born by the river, in a little tent"
Had a bomb day today. Chilled with my friend Monica. We had a ball doing absolutely nothing. We watched like a movie & a half & did art projects & shit. Good times. She's trying to hook me up with this dude, that happens to know my old classmate Nicole, so now they've teamed up. Whatever, another blog for another day.
"Oh and just like the river, I've been running ever since"
Samantha! =[ I miss you, loser. You better be reading this. See, this is the problem. You don't have a phone, mine is tripping, you're never on yahoo or myspace, so we can't talk. Thats not whats up. We need to fix this. You & Zula used to be like my heart. Now....its broken! -tear. Fuck ever. I need to speak with you. I still have that MMS you & dasia sent me [:">], i listen to it before I go to sleep sometims. Lemme stop before I get mushy. Tell Mr. Pinion I said hello as well.
"Its been a long, long time coming"
This blog layout is beginning to irritate me. I think I'm going to go back to a template. But....I really really....do want an older posts button. I guess I'll have to fiddle with it till it works. I'm doing youtube videos tomorrow. Multiple I think. We'll see. Whatever.
"But I know a change gone come..."
-A.
SMH
9.11.08
"Open up your heart and see like me"
I'm bedridden. Cramps are a bitch. Periods in general are a bitch. I've only left this bed today so I could pee and puke. Yes, I'm fully aware that was too much information, but I'm PMS'ing pretty heavily right now, so you might either want to skip this blog entirely, or shut the fuck up. -_-
I'm also upset at fucking myspace jockers. I put my little slideshow up with my pictures a couple days ago. No, scratch, a couple weeks ago, and realize today, that two bitches have stolen my exact idea. Now normally I'd put it in the great minds think alike category, but not with these two. Because both of them have stolen shit from me before. But here, I'll show you.
Here's my page
(click for a bigger picture)
Here's Girl numero Uno's page
She gets on my nerves the most, cus she didn't even size the pics right, like...come on now.
Girl numero Dos' page
Her slideshow is actually the cutest except for...oh shit! If you look to your left, you'll discover a secondary slideshow, full of people she loves. Also stolen from me. See:
Are you starting to feel that strange feeling? You know, the one where you think people are stalking your page, just to see what you're putting on it? Whatever.
If you're wondering what Jamelah stole from me, she's got almost every song from my playlist on hers, which doesn't bother me as much, cus people in Oregon need to listen to better music.
Whoo! That just took damn near all my energy. I'm going back to my pseudo sleep now, I just had to get that off my chest. It was irking me.
Why am I the only person besides Jay who still blogs daily? =[
"Open up your plans and, damn, you're free"
-A.
I'm bedridden. Cramps are a bitch. Periods in general are a bitch. I've only left this bed today so I could pee and puke. Yes, I'm fully aware that was too much information, but I'm PMS'ing pretty heavily right now, so you might either want to skip this blog entirely, or shut the fuck up. -_-
I'm also upset at fucking myspace jockers. I put my little slideshow up with my pictures a couple days ago. No, scratch, a couple weeks ago, and realize today, that two bitches have stolen my exact idea. Now normally I'd put it in the great minds think alike category, but not with these two. Because both of them have stolen shit from me before. But here, I'll show you.
(click for a bigger picture)
Here's Girl numero Uno's page
She gets on my nerves the most, cus she didn't even size the pics right, like...come on now.
Girl numero Dos' page
Her slideshow is actually the cutest except for...oh shit! If you look to your left, you'll discover a secondary slideshow, full of people she loves. Also stolen from me. See:
Are you starting to feel that strange feeling? You know, the one where you think people are stalking your page, just to see what you're putting on it? Whatever.
If you're wondering what Jamelah stole from me, she's got almost every song from my playlist on hers, which doesn't bother me as much, cus people in Oregon need to listen to better music.
Whoo! That just took damn near all my energy. I'm going back to my pseudo sleep now, I just had to get that off my chest. It was irking me.
Why am I the only person besides Jay who still blogs daily? =[
"Open up your plans and, damn, you're free"
-A.
& another one
7.11.08
I blogged earlier, but I had another thought, so I'm back.
I lie. To myself mostly. I just want...I don't know. I want so much. And I feel like I deserve so much, till I feel like I shouldn't have to survive without the things I want. So I make them up. I satisfy myself and I move on. Thing about being a liar is, you generally know when someone's lying. Especially when you're doing it to yourself. It was easy to convince myself I was in love with Bruce when I didn't have him. Now that I do I'm trying to figure out what the hell I was thinking. I don't like that little boy. I do love him. But I'm not in love with him. The love I have for him is obligatory. I don't want anything to happen to him, but not for him. Its such a selfish feeling. I want him to sit in a corner, and be there, whenever I have one of those moments where I need him to be there. But I don't want him to touch me. Or talk to me. Or talk to anyone else about the fact that I told him I loved him. Just....sit there. Don't move. Don't touch anything. Don't fuck up the life I'm building for myself, and I might just let you stay around. As long as you're "staying around" over there.
My second to last day in LA, he asked me why I treated him so bad. I told him because he let me, & because he could take it. I'd always figured that one day he'd man up, and make me act like I had some sense. I don't want to be dominated, damn all you people that think that. However, I do want a dude that could dominate me, if we wanted to. I want a man, not some little kid I could play mind games with for three years, and still have trailing around after me, skipping school and ditching his job to spend mass quantities of time with me whenever I come into town. I'd have more respect for a man that told me he was sorry, but he couldn't see me, cus he had shit to do. That's sexy. But when Bruce told me he wasn't going to allow me to treat him this way anymore, I didn't even hear him. I wasn't even listening to him. I was thinking about Starbucks, honestly. Because I don't believe him. I believe he's all talk. And even if he was to be dead serious, I still don't think I'd let him be the man I keep around. I think I'd let him go. "Oh, you don't want to play the game anymore? Well thank you so much for your services, I hope you have a wonderful life." And thats how its pretty much been with every individual I've involved myself with since I began involving myself with individuals in that way.
The only reason I continue coming back to Bruce, is out of fear. Its a completely irrational fear for a seventeen year old to have, mind you. What if nobody else will tolerate me? Bruce is the only one who's stuck around this long. So even though I respect him the least, for not standing up for himself at all, I need him the most. If he were to stop loving me, that'd be it. I'd be truly unwanted. And who's to say if I'll ever get that back? Irrational, I know, I've got the rest of my life and blah, blah, blah. But fear isn't supposed to make sense, and this one most definitely doesn't. More than anything else, I couldn't take saying that there was nobody in the world who'd want to marry me someday, who'd want me to have their children. Who'd want me to love them. I....in a world where everyone falls in love so readily, and allows themselves to be so happy, so easily....I wouldn't want to be alone. Couldn't bear it really (is that bear or bare?). So I keep Bruce around. Just when he's about to get sick of me, I give him something, I confession of undying love. A sappy blog about what an idiot I am, so he'll stay (he reads this, btw. Wonder how that's gonna go....). And he always does, he always stays, because I think he harbors the same irrational fear that I do. But once he's agreed to stay, I always push him away, put him on a diet of maybe two or three "I love you"'s a week, and hope he dies from lack of attention, or shuffles off to find a better deal. Saying that he left me is just easier to swallow. Why? Because nobody would believe it.
Didn't expect you to understand that last part. Blah.
I'm too worried about my future to live in the now, I guess. I don't talk to people I don't see potential in. No need to waste my time. But I'm seventeen. I've got nothing but time, to waste. Even if I met the perfect man, right now, he wouldn't marry me. I'm seventeen. We wouldn't immediately start having babies. I'm seventeeen. And yes, I tell myself this all the time. That I should just live in the moment but I can't. Its not how I'm built. Plus, living in the moment is how I met Bruce in the first place, and why the hell would I want to do some shit like that again?
Plus, I think I'm unapproachable. Something about intelligence being intimidating. Oops? Maybe the kind of man I'm looking for doesn't exist yet. Maybe I should become a scientist so I could create him -scratches chin.
I'm going to sleep so I can dream up the prototype. G'night.
-A.
I lie. To myself mostly. I just want...I don't know. I want so much. And I feel like I deserve so much, till I feel like I shouldn't have to survive without the things I want. So I make them up. I satisfy myself and I move on. Thing about being a liar is, you generally know when someone's lying. Especially when you're doing it to yourself. It was easy to convince myself I was in love with Bruce when I didn't have him. Now that I do I'm trying to figure out what the hell I was thinking. I don't like that little boy. I do love him. But I'm not in love with him. The love I have for him is obligatory. I don't want anything to happen to him, but not for him. Its such a selfish feeling. I want him to sit in a corner, and be there, whenever I have one of those moments where I need him to be there. But I don't want him to touch me. Or talk to me. Or talk to anyone else about the fact that I told him I loved him. Just....sit there. Don't move. Don't touch anything. Don't fuck up the life I'm building for myself, and I might just let you stay around. As long as you're "staying around" over there.
My second to last day in LA, he asked me why I treated him so bad. I told him because he let me, & because he could take it. I'd always figured that one day he'd man up, and make me act like I had some sense. I don't want to be dominated, damn all you people that think that. However, I do want a dude that could dominate me, if we wanted to. I want a man, not some little kid I could play mind games with for three years, and still have trailing around after me, skipping school and ditching his job to spend mass quantities of time with me whenever I come into town. I'd have more respect for a man that told me he was sorry, but he couldn't see me, cus he had shit to do. That's sexy. But when Bruce told me he wasn't going to allow me to treat him this way anymore, I didn't even hear him. I wasn't even listening to him. I was thinking about Starbucks, honestly. Because I don't believe him. I believe he's all talk. And even if he was to be dead serious, I still don't think I'd let him be the man I keep around. I think I'd let him go. "Oh, you don't want to play the game anymore? Well thank you so much for your services, I hope you have a wonderful life." And thats how its pretty much been with every individual I've involved myself with since I began involving myself with individuals in that way.
The only reason I continue coming back to Bruce, is out of fear. Its a completely irrational fear for a seventeen year old to have, mind you. What if nobody else will tolerate me? Bruce is the only one who's stuck around this long. So even though I respect him the least, for not standing up for himself at all, I need him the most. If he were to stop loving me, that'd be it. I'd be truly unwanted. And who's to say if I'll ever get that back? Irrational, I know, I've got the rest of my life and blah, blah, blah. But fear isn't supposed to make sense, and this one most definitely doesn't. More than anything else, I couldn't take saying that there was nobody in the world who'd want to marry me someday, who'd want me to have their children. Who'd want me to love them. I....in a world where everyone falls in love so readily, and allows themselves to be so happy, so easily....I wouldn't want to be alone. Couldn't bear it really (is that bear or bare?). So I keep Bruce around. Just when he's about to get sick of me, I give him something, I confession of undying love. A sappy blog about what an idiot I am, so he'll stay (he reads this, btw. Wonder how that's gonna go....). And he always does, he always stays, because I think he harbors the same irrational fear that I do. But once he's agreed to stay, I always push him away, put him on a diet of maybe two or three "I love you"'s a week, and hope he dies from lack of attention, or shuffles off to find a better deal. Saying that he left me is just easier to swallow. Why? Because nobody would believe it.
Didn't expect you to understand that last part. Blah.
I'm too worried about my future to live in the now, I guess. I don't talk to people I don't see potential in. No need to waste my time. But I'm seventeen. I've got nothing but time, to waste. Even if I met the perfect man, right now, he wouldn't marry me. I'm seventeen. We wouldn't immediately start having babies. I'm seventeeen. And yes, I tell myself this all the time. That I should just live in the moment but I can't. Its not how I'm built. Plus, living in the moment is how I met Bruce in the first place, and why the hell would I want to do some shit like that again?
Plus, I think I'm unapproachable. Something about intelligence being intimidating. Oops? Maybe the kind of man I'm looking for doesn't exist yet. Maybe I should become a scientist so I could create him -scratches chin.
I'm going to sleep so I can dream up the prototype. G'night.
-A.
6.11.08
"No matter how I think we grow, you always seem to let me know it ain't workin'"
Today was eventful. Well, actually not so much. I don't know how to describe today, actually. One of the requirements of me being accepted into my night school program was that I sing in their little production they were putting on at the end of the term, & today was our last show. It went well, twas all good. To celebrate, a bunch of us were going to go see Saw V, (which I've seen already, but no biggie) since I've got got the hook up it was gonna be like five out of six of us free. Good deal, right? So I call in to make sure I can actually get that many people in with me,, and Lisa, one of the managers, informs me that actually, I've been placed on suspension, because I missed two shifts, and technically that's job abandonment.
I must've read the schedule wrong, cus she said I was supposed to work on this past Tuesday and I had no idea. I honestly probably just read it wrong. The other shift they're saying I missed though, was entirely their fault. I was still on the train back to Oregon during this shift. I wasn't even in the state, and yes, I told them I was going to be gone. Plus, when I was running late the for Tuesday shift, they should've called me. Nobody called me. If they'd have called me like, Ashley, aren't you coming in for your shift today? I woulda been like oh shit I'll be there in twenty minutes. No big deal. Whatever. I've gotta go fight that out with them tomorrow. I'm gonna be massively pissed if I lose my job.
So, since the movies was out, we decided we were gonna go to my friend Monica's & just chill. Once we figured out that we weren't going to the movies, Kassy & Angelica were like, oh, I've got to go home and uuhhh....change. But uhm....I'll call you. I'm like, whatever. Halfway to Monica's, we change our mind, && decided to go over to my godfathers. Bigger TV, plus the Wii && the XBOX360. Pool/Air Hockey table. Jenga. Arcade games, piano. We had a ball. We ate pizza and talked shit && it was cool or whatever. Kassy texts me like, I'm sorry I left you with that lame party. No response to that. None at all.
Blah. But that's pretty much all thats been up with me. What about you, whats been up with you?
"And when I try to walk away, you hurt yourself to make me stay. This is crazy"
-A.
Today was eventful. Well, actually not so much. I don't know how to describe today, actually. One of the requirements of me being accepted into my night school program was that I sing in their little production they were putting on at the end of the term, & today was our last show. It went well, twas all good. To celebrate, a bunch of us were going to go see Saw V, (which I've seen already, but no biggie) since I've got got the hook up it was gonna be like five out of six of us free. Good deal, right? So I call in to make sure I can actually get that many people in with me,, and Lisa, one of the managers, informs me that actually, I've been placed on suspension, because I missed two shifts, and technically that's job abandonment.
I must've read the schedule wrong, cus she said I was supposed to work on this past Tuesday and I had no idea. I honestly probably just read it wrong. The other shift they're saying I missed though, was entirely their fault. I was still on the train back to Oregon during this shift. I wasn't even in the state, and yes, I told them I was going to be gone. Plus, when I was running late the for Tuesday shift, they should've called me. Nobody called me. If they'd have called me like, Ashley, aren't you coming in for your shift today? I woulda been like oh shit I'll be there in twenty minutes. No big deal. Whatever. I've gotta go fight that out with them tomorrow. I'm gonna be massively pissed if I lose my job.
So, since the movies was out, we decided we were gonna go to my friend Monica's & just chill. Once we figured out that we weren't going to the movies, Kassy & Angelica were like, oh, I've got to go home and uuhhh....change. But uhm....I'll call you. I'm like, whatever. Halfway to Monica's, we change our mind, && decided to go over to my godfathers. Bigger TV, plus the Wii && the XBOX360. Pool/Air Hockey table. Jenga. Arcade games, piano. We had a ball. We ate pizza and talked shit && it was cool or whatever. Kassy texts me like, I'm sorry I left you with that lame party. No response to that. None at all.
Blah. But that's pretty much all thats been up with me. What about you, whats been up with you?
"And when I try to walk away, you hurt yourself to make me stay. This is crazy"
-A.
You Already Know.
4.11.08
"If there is anyone out there who doubts that America is a place where anything is possible, who still wonders if the dream of our founders is alive in our time, who still questions the power of our democracy, tonight is your answer"
Man. I can't even breathe. This is so amazing. I hadn't wanted to get my hopes up, just to have them shot down. Tonight I find myself hopeful, but afraid. I'm ridiculously proud that our nation has come so far as to elect an African American man as the forty fourth president of The United States of America, but at the same time, I wonder if we've come so far as to let him stay there. I'm afraid for him, and of what will happen to our country if something happens to him. But we won't talk about that tonight. Tonight, we'll bask in the glory that we've worked so hard for. Tonight, we'll enjoy.
"It’s been a long time coming, but tonight, because of what we did on this day, in this election, at this defining moment, change has come to America,"
-A.
PS: + Kris re opened her blog?! My life doesn't get any better than it is right now. It really actually doesn't.
Man. I can't even breathe. This is so amazing. I hadn't wanted to get my hopes up, just to have them shot down. Tonight I find myself hopeful, but afraid. I'm ridiculously proud that our nation has come so far as to elect an African American man as the forty fourth president of The United States of America, but at the same time, I wonder if we've come so far as to let him stay there. I'm afraid for him, and of what will happen to our country if something happens to him. But we won't talk about that tonight. Tonight, we'll bask in the glory that we've worked so hard for. Tonight, we'll enjoy.
"It’s been a long time coming, but tonight, because of what we did on this day, in this election, at this defining moment, change has come to America,"
-A.
PS: + Kris re opened her blog?! My life doesn't get any better than it is right now. It really actually doesn't.
Back.
3.11.08
"I'm just a little bit caught in the middle. Life is a maze, and love is a riddle"
I've been gone for a minute but now I'm back. Do me a favor and pretend you missed me, yea? I had a ball on my little vacation. I missed my city. It was nice to go back. I've never had more fun being hit on by homeless people and choking every forty seven seconds because the air was so dirty. However, I'm never taking the train again. I was delayed two hours getting into the city, and four coming back. Not good at all.
Its weird though, cus when I got back, nobody missed me. I mean, not the people that I thought would. There was nobody at the train station when I got home. They didn't know where it was. They didn't mapquest it or anything until I got there. It was kinda depressing. Goddaddy seemed kind of irritated that he had to stop doing whatever he was doing to come pick me up, Aunty Isha was too busy being on the phone to be excited I was back, they told me they think the baby forgot who I was. Great. Elmo was in the bathroom when I got there and after that she went straight to sleep. She didn't even say anything to me. Wow. And mom, well, I mean. Whatever, we won't even go there. Ree & Jon where happy to see me. That made me happy.
I guess it only threw me off because it was so much the opposite of what happened in LA. Like I got there and everybody was at the train station to greet me, like not outside waiting, they were at the gate. The whole time, I don't know, I mean, they took care of me. I felt loved. I guess its cause they don't deal with me everyday? Like, maybe if I lived there again they wouldn't be so attentive? Probably. Absence makes the heart grow fonder & such. But that still doesn't explain whats up with my freaking family. I mean, I've been gone for a week and these niggas are acting like they wish I would've stayed gone. Its.....I don't know. Disconcerting.
On the other hand, people at school were glad I was back. They hugged me and screamed like white people have a tendency to do. It was cool. It made me feel hella better after the reception I got at home.
Anyway, I'm gonna stop talking really now. I hope you guys had a great week, and you were enjoying yourselves while I was gone.
"I'm just a little girl lost in the moment. I'm so scared, but I won't show it"
-A.
I've been gone for a minute but now I'm back. Do me a favor and pretend you missed me, yea? I had a ball on my little vacation. I missed my city. It was nice to go back. I've never had more fun being hit on by homeless people and choking every forty seven seconds because the air was so dirty. However, I'm never taking the train again. I was delayed two hours getting into the city, and four coming back. Not good at all.
Its weird though, cus when I got back, nobody missed me. I mean, not the people that I thought would. There was nobody at the train station when I got home. They didn't know where it was. They didn't mapquest it or anything until I got there. It was kinda depressing. Goddaddy seemed kind of irritated that he had to stop doing whatever he was doing to come pick me up, Aunty Isha was too busy being on the phone to be excited I was back, they told me they think the baby forgot who I was. Great. Elmo was in the bathroom when I got there and after that she went straight to sleep. She didn't even say anything to me. Wow. And mom, well, I mean. Whatever, we won't even go there. Ree & Jon where happy to see me. That made me happy.
I guess it only threw me off because it was so much the opposite of what happened in LA. Like I got there and everybody was at the train station to greet me, like not outside waiting, they were at the gate. The whole time, I don't know, I mean, they took care of me. I felt loved. I guess its cause they don't deal with me everyday? Like, maybe if I lived there again they wouldn't be so attentive? Probably. Absence makes the heart grow fonder & such. But that still doesn't explain whats up with my freaking family. I mean, I've been gone for a week and these niggas are acting like they wish I would've stayed gone. Its.....I don't know. Disconcerting.
On the other hand, people at school were glad I was back. They hugged me and screamed like white people have a tendency to do. It was cool. It made me feel hella better after the reception I got at home.
Anyway, I'm gonna stop talking really now. I hope you guys had a great week, and you were enjoying yourselves while I was gone.
"I'm just a little girl lost in the moment. I'm so scared, but I won't show it"
-A.
