Neither the height of your intelligence, nor the depth of your conversation are going to save me from the hole I'm in right now. I do believe that this is rock bottom. There's no lower for me to go. I don't care anymore. I don't care. I don't put the effort into saying what I should, or doing what I should, like I used to. I'm sitting at the bottom of the well, water lapping around my hips, in the dark, and I feel like I'm running out of clean air to breathe, and I'm waiting for the walls to close in around me, so I won't feel cold and scared anymore. I'd rather feel nothing. I'm tired of feeling cold and scared.

Optimistic as always, I think of the benefits of being numb. After this hurt, after all the hurts that I've experienced and overcome, what could ever hurt me again? I listen to others complain about things that are so damn trivial. And before, I would have remembered that its not my place to judge someone else' struggles. Whats hard for me might not be hard for them, and whats hard for them might not be hard for me, but that doesn't make it less hard. That's what I lived by before. That's what I lived by before I was at the bottom of the well. But who gives a shit now, really? You complain about bullshit. About broken phones and gas prices, and parents who just don't understand. You blame it on the recession. You blame it on the economy. You blame it on the government. And then you don't vote. You don't get a job. You just complain. Complaints without action are empty and fucking irritating. And now when you complain about things that don't matter, I'll laugh. I'll laugh in your face because who gives a fuck? Right, your internet friendship means so much to me that I couldn't survive if I didn't have it. Be real.

I want to not give a fuck. To be icy and cold all the time and not care about the feelings and emotions of other people, I want to be so far gone that space and time and drama don't effect me. I want to drown in a sea of alcohol and float on a cloud of smoke and die a thousand little deaths until pain and I are on a first name basis. I don't want to remember names or places, or the same old faces that would've consoled me before. I don't want to be consoled anymore. I want to be angry till anger runs out and there's nothing in life to be angry about. And then I want to die.

Don't wanna be myself no more, I wanna be somebody else.

-A.