Re-did the blog. You like, you like? I'm okay with it. Thats all that matters anyway. Erm. I leave in about twenty minutes for the train station. Mom got her license suspended last night (whooo! long story) anyway, she can't drive, so I'm on the bus. And so is she. So she's not gonna be seeing me off, or anything. =[ I want my freaking mommy yo! But moving on. Did I ever tell you guys about my airport fiasco a couple years ago? If I can handle that, this'll be a piece of cake.

Lalalalala

Life's a trip, you know? Crazy how one moment, you're a kid, cuddling under your mommy cus you had a bad dream, and the next, yall are both taking off in your separate directions, waving at each other even though you're not sure if the other person is still standing there, trying your hardest not to cry. We consider this a practice run. If we can live through this one, then we're pretty sure we can handle me going out of state for college.

Did I blog last night? lol I remember typing it, but I'm pretty sure I deleted it. I was highhhhhh. lol no I wasn't. I was hooka'd. It doesn't actually get you high, but my head was all light && I was gigglier than shit. lol. I don't think it would've been in my best interest to blog. I'm only blogging now because I need to kill some time before my bus gets here. 62 to Milikan Way Max Station then the Blue Line to Old Town. Remind me.

This would've been better as a video blog, but I packed the camera's, so there goes that. Plus I'm so utterly unglamorous, that I'd probably regret it as soon as it was posted. Ehh.

Its 11:45 now. Am I wrong for feeling like a hobo because I have to take the train with all my luggage && shit. I don't want people to think I'm a hobo. Then the logical side of my brain kicks in and says, Ashley, you won't look like a hobo. You'll look like someone going on a trip, without a car. lol. I see people on the train coming to and from the airport all the time. I never think they're hobos. I think they're people going on or coming from trips, without a car.

Thanks for helping me clear that up.

Just remembered there's no music on this blog, but thats okay, cus yall never listen to it anyway. Everybody like, pauses the blog music and then continues listening to theirs. Except for me, of course. I seem to be the only person in the blog universe that thinks the music on the blog makes the blog. And you can tell, a lot of times, what tone someone is actually taking from the music on their blog. Plus, I can read and listen to music at the same time, which I've been told is a rare skill. Whatever.

OKay, I think I've wasted about as much time as I can afford to waste. Wish me luck, yea? I'll take pictures. Blehhh, I don't wanna go without my mommy. =/

there will never be two things that go together better, than you and me
-A.

I totally intended on blogging, then got to this screen, you know what this screen looks like, &+ didn't have anything to say. Sucks right? I was thinking, I'll be at 100 posts on this blog soon. So I was gonna do a Jay Adams recap of my first 100 posts, so I was reading over them all, seeing which one I would choose. And now that I'm done with that, I've realized that I've never let not having anything to say stop me from blogging. Lol, some of my best blogs have started with "I don't really have anything to say" and ended with "Hella done pretending I have something to say". I'm just amazing that way.

I was on the phone with Bruce until 3 in the morning. We slept on the phone together. He hung up at around five thirty, but then we woke up at six. Or we were supposed to. But I actually got up at 7:30, but whatever. Hair appointment, school, a bunch of us went for ice cream after, I came back home, chilled for a minute, then hopped over to GD&A's for ANTM. They sent Joclyn home. Pretty sure I spelled her name wrong. Poor thing, though. They always send the girls home for the same reasons. There's always the one gorgeous girl that gets sent home because she has no personality, and the girl that gets sent home because she lets the competition get to her too much, and so on. The predictability is kind of upsetting. But anyway, the girls go abroad every season, and this season they're going to Amsterdam. I almost choked when Tyra said that. "High as a muhfucka, flyyy as a muhfucka" lol I don't know.

I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to go back to an old blog layout. Which one? You remember the black and purple and blue and green with the eye? Yea. That was like the height of my blog excellence. I'm going back to that. Plus, I finally figured out how to put an older posts button in a div layout, so I'm going to try that out, & it'll be pretty perfect.

Anyway, full day tomorrow, plus I leave Friday, so I wanna finish packing some stuff and cleaning some stuff up for the final trip. Like I've said before, I don't know what my internet situation is going to be while I'm out there, so I'll probably blog early Friday morning, or something. I wanna talk to y'all again before I go. For now, I'm just going to try to make this layout as perfect as it was before, seeing as I don't save the codes after I change them. Yea, this is going to be fun.

I'm sick off my ass, by the way. Anyway, I hope you're having as wonderful of a life as I am.

-A.

Lets get right to it, shall we?

I've never loved anybody but him. There have been people that made me feel comfortable. There have been people who boosted my ego, people that told me all the things I wanted to hear. But there's never been anyone like him. Anyone who took my heart and twisted, just to show me that he could, almost until I hated him, just so he could kiss it and make it better, just to show me that he could. Just to show me that he could make me feel completely better, and make me love him more than anybody else ever could.

So does it come as a surprise to you that a fourteen year old ran from that feeling? Ran as far and as fast as she could? Did everything she could do hurt him because she didn't want anyone to have that much control over her? I was fourteen! I was scared, I was convinced that he wouldn't do anything but hurt me, because if I had that power over someone, thats what I'd do. Coincidentally, I did have that power over him, and thats what I did. But thats not the point.

All this little excursion has shown me is that I pretty much can't do without him. Except for now, I've gotta remind him that he pretty much can't do without me, either. It would suck a whole lot if now that I've finally figured it out, he's over it. But wouldn't that just be life? lol. I can sense that he's very close to being through with me completely.

Blah. My pride doesn't want to have to work for it. Ya know? My pride says, well if he's done, let him be done, I'll find another. My heart doesn't say that. My hearts never said that. I've been listening to my pride for three years, and I think its time for my heart to have a say. I guess its time to put it all on the line. And if it doesn't work out, it'll be because it didn't work out, not because I was too scared to try.

Ehh. I've gotta go pack. I leave Friday. And this whole trip has just become the "go get Bruce back" experiment. Fuck. I'm scared now. No other word. Wish me luck, yea?

In other news: If you take the Can't Believe It video, put it on acid, and give it brighter colors, it becomes the Chopped & Skrewed video. And I've gotta admit, I like chopped & Skrewed better than Can't Believe it.

Goodnight yall
-A.

There's so much in my head right now that I've willed myself into believing there's nothing. Have you ever done that? I need a drink. I thought we had alcohol in the house, but I opened the fridge to pour a glass && it was gone. Like an alcoholic, I woke my mother up to ask her where it was. She said she didn't think I needed to drink anymore. She picked now to come to that excellent conclusion. Now, when I need a drink.

Wanna know something funny? I don't drink when we're in a crisis. I thrive on that. I feel like I have something to do. Like I have a reason to wake up in the morning. Like I have a conflict to resolve. I feel needed. I feel productive. Only when something catastrophic is going to happen, do I feel as though life is worth my time. I try my hardest not to start any unnecessary drama though. I'm not a drama starter, I'm not a drama queen. I just enjoy it. I enjoy fixing things when they're broken. But I don't break them. I'm not that bad yet.

Anyway, all the times when my life are good? I drink then. Out of boredom. What the hell is there to do when life is good. Enjoy it? For what? Its just gonna come crashing down in another five minutes. Its not like theres any permanence to life. I'd rather not get attached to the illusion. I'd rather stay in a half drunk haze during the good times, and be fully sober during the bad ones. The bad times make me stronger. I don't really see the point in the good ones.

Wow. That sounded bad. I'd be more cheerful if I had a fucking drink.

Blah. Why did I start blogging? I totally could have skipped this, could've left this spot empty and allowed yall to keep looking at the previous blog (whatever the hell that said, I can't recall) until I had something chipper, and happy to say. But blogs aren't about that, now are they? My blog is about me talking about what I feel.

And I feel like I need a fucking drink.

Its funny how guys are always the ones who tell me to stop drinking. Guys who smoke ALL THE FUCKING TIME. They're the ones that warn me about kidney, or liver, or whatever the hell the alcohol damages, problems. The one on yahoo who's stat is "I'm high as fuck" has the nerve to get mad at me, cus I had a drink. or two. or seven. fuck difference does it make? Somebody out there is smoking a black right now, and itching to tell me that I could do something more productive with my life if I didn't drink so much. Hypocritical to the fucking bone. I hope you get lung cancer.

Ehh. Yea, I really didn't need to start typing. This was a bad idea. I think I'm going to go watch porn and pretend I had something alcoholic to keep me company.

Unless you wanna buy me a drink? ;]
-A.

She would always look in the mirror and she told herself, instead of pointing the finger at other people she would look in the mirror, and she would scold herself, its her fault that her life ain't easy. She would look in the mirror, and compose herself, if she ever needed help in her life she would look in the mirror, and she would hold herself down, so everything would get done right."

"Our circumstances are not an accurate reflection of God's goodness. Whether life is good or bad, God's goodness, rooted in His character,, is the same." -Helen Grace Lescheid.

So, we passed our housing inspection. We're not being kicked out, we're not moving away, life isn't coming to an end. Life's going pretty well or whatever, now that I'm not afraid for my life as I know it. Schools pretty steady. Works pretty steady. Life's pretty steady. Chillin with friends Sunday. You know the last time I've "chilled with friends"? Last time I had friends to chill with. Lmao. Whatever though. I'm feeling good.

I'm getting my grades back from when I screwed up last spring, so next spring I'll be able to return to PCC, && get all my transfer credits for university. Feels good to have a plan, you know? I can see it happening. The vision is the best part.

Honestly, life is just so chill at this particular moment in time. There's nothing for me to bitch to yall about. Its 11:15, I'ma make some soup, watch a movie, &+ go to bed. Work tomorrow (plus its payday), work Saturday, that whole "Chill" thing Sunday. If I don't sleep over at Monica's, I'll be at Zilly's Monday, then school. I'm rambling. I know you don't need an itenerary.

Goodnight =]
-A.

Found this sick book with all these wonderful quotes in it. They're mostly religious. You'll love em. Read with me.

"Where there is faith, there is love; Where there is love, there is peace; Where there is peace, there is God; And where there is God, there is no need." -Leo Tolstoy

"There is a deep peace that grows out of illness and loneliness and a sense of failure. God cannot get close when everything is delightful. He seems to need these darker hours, these empty-hearted hours, to mean the most to people." -Frank C. Laubach

"God our of life, there are days when the burdens we carry chafe our shoulders and weigh us down; when the road seems dreary and endless, the skies grey and threatening; when our lives have no music in them, and our hearts are lonely, and our souls have lost their courage. Flood the path with light, run our eyes to where the skies are full of promise; tune our hearts to brave music; give us the sense of comradeship with heroes and saints of every age; and so quicken our spirits that we may be able to encourage the should of all who journey with us on the road of life, to Your honor and glory." St. Augustine.

"When circumstances seem impossible, when all signs of grace in you seem at their lowest ebb, when temptation is fiercest, when love and joy and hope seem well-nigh extinguished from your heart, then rest, without feeling and without emotion, in the Father's faithfulness." -David Tryon

"I will trust Him. Whatever, wherever I am, I can never be thrown away. If I am in sickness, my sickness may serve Him; in perplexity, my perplexity may serve Him; if I am in sorrow, my sorrow may serve Him. My sickness, or perplexity, or sorrow may be necessary causes of some great end, which is quite beyond us. He does nothing in vain." -John Henry Newman.

"A certain amount of opposition is of great help to a man. Kites rise against, not with, the wind." -John Neal

"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing, and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares." -Henri J.M. Nouwen

"One thing we may be sure of, however: For the believer all pain has meaning; all adversity is profitable. There is no question that adversity is difficult. It usually takes us by surprise and seems to strike where we are most vulnerable. To us it often appears completely senseless and irrational, but to God none of it is either senseless or irrational. He has a purpose in every pain He brings or allows in our lives. We can be sure that in some way He intends it for our profit and His glory." -Unknown

"The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quiet, alone with the heavens, nature and God. Because only ten does one feel that all is as it should be and that God wishes to see people happy, amidst the simple beauty of nature. " -Anne Frank

I'm done typing. So seriously. These made me hecka happy after a really bad day. This is a really bad time for me, and if you pray, I'm going to ask you to pray for me. If you don't, please just keep me in your thoughts, I need all the positive energy I can get.

Till then, Love Yall.
Stay up.
-A.

Okay. So lets talk about it. I'm ready to talk about it. Are you ready to talk about it? Doesn't matter, we're talking about it. Here's whats up.

We had a housing inspection about a week ago, they do that before your one year lease is up, just to make sure you haven't been fucking shit up extensively while you've been living there. I'm not gonna lie to yall, it was a surprise inspection (I was butt naked, hiding in the bathroom when I heard them walk in, real talk, had it been a robbery, that'd have been the last of me), so the house wasn't exactly clean. But thats not what they took issue with. They took issue with the amount and size of the furniture we had in the aparment, and the fact that the way some of it was placed made it a fire hazard. They said they'd be back in a week, and if it wasn't fixed, they'd be forced to evict us.

We did all we could do. Fixed that fire hazard shit with a quickness, cleaned everything spotless (by spotless, I mean to the best of our ability with the cleaning supplies and appliances on hand), and moved everything we weren't actively using into goddaddy & aunty isha's garage. The follow up inspection was today. We twiddled our thumbs and waited.

No go.

Still too much stuff, arranged poorly, its cluttered, they don't like it. The manager is being "kind" and giving us two days to try again. Today being day one of that two days. Tomorrow being day two. I skipped school today to help mom clean. The more we understand what they want us to do, the more we realize it can't be done. Especially since there's not gonna be anyone here to help her tomorrow. I've got work and school, & I can't miss again. They will fail me. & we already know how the high school diploma situation is going, so we can't have that. So basically, we're looking and eviction.

And not just eviction. No, not just eviction. We failed a housing inspection twice, therefore, they can use something they like to call "special circumstances eviction" which will have us evicted in two weeks.

We can't afford to move. We can't stay. Go ahead and ask me what the fuck we're going to do.

I haven't the slightest. I haven't talked about it with mom yet. She's not ready to deal with it realistically. She's still saying "It'll all work out". I know it will. It has to. But how? Here's what I'm thinking: we're going to have to split up.

AnnMarie pretty much already lives with goddaddy & aunty isha. She's got her own room && a tv && she's pretty happy there. Mom's considering going back to LA, taking Jon with her. They'd get a spare room with one of her friends. The two of them could pull that off.

And me? Well, I've got options. I've got a job here. Plus, when I turn 18, I'll get that money, so I'm not gonna be too bad off anywhere. But here are my options:

If I stay here:
I could live with Alyssea, get a transfer out to her neighborhood, finish school, & decide what I'm going to do from there. Downside? The chances of me remaning a relatively good human being at Alyssea's are about [..] this big.

I could live with Mike, get a transfer out to his neighborhood, finish school, & decide what I'm going to do from there. There is no downside. Mike's amazing. He'd have high expectations though.

Third option, and the most conventional: I could move in with goddaddy and unty isha as well. Same as living anywhere else out here, minus the transfer. Life'd be better. They're a little more liberal with money. They were buying elmo Ed Hardy sneakers when she couldn't walk (THE FUCK DID YOU NEED SHOES FOR ELMO?) but okay. Downside? They work my fucking nerves. I'd probably go insane.

I could move to LA, live with any number of people. I'd be back home. I'd have my friends back. I'd have my life back. I'd have my mom, but I wouldn't be living with her. Job transfer, finish school, decide what I'm gonna do from there.

Or I could move to Rockford. Stay with my uncle perry & aunt Shirley. They've got plenty of room. No job transfer, I'd have to get a new one. New school, new people, fresh start entirely. No mom. No anybody. It'd be creepy.

Those are my options. I don't know. You know, as young adults, we all reach that point where you have to leave the nest, the safety and security of the blah, blah, blah. Never thought it would happen quite like this.

But nothing in life, bad or good, ever lasts. Remember child, that this too shall pass.
-A.

Neither the height of your intelligence, nor the depth of your conversation are going to save me from the hole I'm in right now. I do believe that this is rock bottom. There's no lower for me to go. I don't care anymore. I don't care. I don't put the effort into saying what I should, or doing what I should, like I used to. I'm sitting at the bottom of the well, water lapping around my hips, in the dark, and I feel like I'm running out of clean air to breathe, and I'm waiting for the walls to close in around me, so I won't feel cold and scared anymore. I'd rather feel nothing. I'm tired of feeling cold and scared.

Optimistic as always, I think of the benefits of being numb. After this hurt, after all the hurts that I've experienced and overcome, what could ever hurt me again? I listen to others complain about things that are so damn trivial. And before, I would have remembered that its not my place to judge someone else' struggles. Whats hard for me might not be hard for them, and whats hard for them might not be hard for me, but that doesn't make it less hard. That's what I lived by before. That's what I lived by before I was at the bottom of the well. But who gives a shit now, really? You complain about bullshit. About broken phones and gas prices, and parents who just don't understand. You blame it on the recession. You blame it on the economy. You blame it on the government. And then you don't vote. You don't get a job. You just complain. Complaints without action are empty and fucking irritating. And now when you complain about things that don't matter, I'll laugh. I'll laugh in your face because who gives a fuck? Right, your internet friendship means so much to me that I couldn't survive if I didn't have it. Be real.

I want to not give a fuck. To be icy and cold all the time and not care about the feelings and emotions of other people, I want to be so far gone that space and time and drama don't effect me. I want to drown in a sea of alcohol and float on a cloud of smoke and die a thousand little deaths until pain and I are on a first name basis. I don't want to remember names or places, or the same old faces that would've consoled me before. I don't want to be consoled anymore. I want to be angry till anger runs out and there's nothing in life to be angry about. And then I want to die.

Don't wanna be myself no more, I wanna be somebody else.

-A.

I'm bothered, & I can't really put my finger on why.

In reference to the last post, I only know I've changed when I talk to people I used to talk to, and I realize that the conversation that used to flow so easily dries up around the time its my turn to speak. Or, more specifically, around the time they have to respond to what I've said. They can't catch up anymore. Or maybe its incomparable. Maybe we're not even talking about the same things anymore. Can't figure it out. Don't need to.

It bothers me that people like to play the hypothetical "what if I was where you are" game over the internet. Doesn't matter. Cus you're not. And you're making no moves to be. No plans to be. You just wanna know what I'm going to say. Then get mad when I'm not in the mood to play the game. What good does it do me to tell you that if you came out here I'd stop my entire life to spend two to three days in complete and total bliss with you? No nigga. If you came out here, you'd realize there wasn't shit to do, so all you'd want to do is fuck. And I'm not fucking you. If you didn't get the memo, I'm not fucking anybody. But if you came all the way out here from pittscataway, new jersey, you'd expect something in return right? Well, you can keep that shit where you're at. I don't have time for it. Niggas exhaust me with the bullshit.

And understand something, there's a difference between friendships and internet friendships. I go see people I'm actually friends with. Note the ticket to Los Angeles, the trip thats already been planned. The next trip is to STL to see Sam && Danny, soon as they get moved && settled, & no, I haven't discussed that with them yet, but I don't have to, cus thats family. And we're not gonna play the "what would we do if you were here" game. I'ma say, "hey, is it cool if I come out there && spend a couple days with yall?" && their gonna say "hell yea, when you comin?" We'll figure the rest of the shit out when I get there, cus when you're doing things, you don't have time to plan what you would be doing, if you were doing something. And yes, I know that shit made sense, so if you didn't catch it, you're reading the wrong blog.

Can't yall sense the bitchiness in me today though? I'm trippin cus there's no reason for it. Like, I have no reason not to be incredibly happy. I'm just not. If you give me time to sit and stew in my thoughts, I'll piss myself off over nothing. But if I'm talking toooooo somebody I'm all smiles. Psycho right? Yea.

Done talking now. I'll prolly blog again later, seeing as I don't feel like this one really counts.

-A.

Zula doesn't like it. See? Thats why I was waiting on her opinion. Honestly? I don't either. Blah. I'll end up changing. Probably taking it back to something simpler? Dumb thing about blogger layouts it that if you're layouts a div, its impossible to have and older posts button. Ehh, I'll figure something out. On to the actual blog.

Have I changed? I wonder. Sometimes I feel like I have. Sometimes I feel like I've matured immensely, like the things that hurt me once couldn't hurt me again. You know, I look back on the way I "used" to be, and the things I "used" to do, and I feel so above them. I chalk all my mistakes up to being young, and tell myself I'm older now. Those stumbling blocks that tripped me then? My legs are too long to be caught up in such trifles now. lol, sometimes, I'm on top of the world.

But then there's other times, when I laugh at myself. I laugh at my insecurity. I laugh at my moments of "fake it till you make it" confidence. I give myself the facts. If I've grown, I couldn't have grown to much, cus I still post the same damn blog almost monthly when I feel like I don't have any real friends, when I feel like no one cares about me, when I can't imagine anyone ever loving me. I put out the same all call, daring one person to tell me that I'm wrong, that I'm worthy of being loved, and cared for, and that I have friends. But no one ever does. And knowing why they don't, I still let that plunge me into another spell of depression, so how much could I have changed?

My godfather tells me its like trying to watch a plant grow. If you're looking at it all the time, you'll never see the centimeters that creep into its lengthy frame. You'll never see the hues of green that make it more beautiful than it was the day before. But if you take a look, then leave for a while, and come back, you can see the real growth, and appreciate it. But I can't stop looking. This blog is nothing but a big mirror. It doesn't tell me about myself as much as it makes me wonder about myself. What am I doing? Where am I going? And wait, tell me again what I'm doing? But blogging keeps me sane, it keeps me stable, so I guess I'll just always have to wonder if I've grown or not. I guess this is another one of those conversations I'll keep having.

Maybe I'm good the way I am? A tad too trusting, a tad too loving, a tad too giving, a little insecure, given to complaining, but never about the big things, and to be so in love with love, that I see it everywhere, even when its actually just the desire for sex.

Maybe I'm good that way?

-A.

So.....its like quarter to midnight. I'm hella tired. Leaking & shit. Not the business. I'm goin to sleep soon as I finish typin this here shit out. Y'all like the change? I don't. Shit would not cooperate with me. and I forgot to transfer the counter code over. genius right? lol its still not finished. I might alter the colors a bit. && if you look close you can see the singing box code && a little bit of the javascript floating around, but all & all, its alright I guess.

No, I'm truly never satisfied with anything I do. Its cool though, cus thats how everything I do ends up a step above everything you do. You should try it.

I lost my wallet. I think. All I know is I don't know where it is. Bullshit. Man. I lose more wallets than any other person you know. Keys? Those too. I always find em though. But I lose wallets in public places && shit. I hate that about myself. Man. How I'm supposed to save money if I'm always fucking losing something? Explain that to me.

I don't have anything to say really. Sleepy. I was reading this book last night? Cried my fucking eyes out. It wasn't the saddest thing either, just the way it was written was bomb. When most people write about sadness, they try to use the big words, and the big ideas, and the big comparisons, you know? They try to make the pain as big as they can, but that generally makes it so unrelatable, that even though you know its sad, it doesn't quite click for you (apparently, unrelatable isn't a word). This wasn't like that though. It was so raw, and the words, and comparisons were so real, so relatable, that I couldn't help but cry (apparently, relatable isn't a word either? How the fuck do you put relate in the active tense then? Relate, related, relation...whatever). Anyway, cried. Went to sleep. Beautiful thing. I slept with Walter<3. =]

BLOG MORE BITCHES! I need something to read. Night.
-A.

You know what sucks worse than losing? Winning. You're expecting to lose. In most cases, you're expecting to lose, you know how to lose, you've lost before. But winning? Well now, thats a different case entirely. If you'd lost, you'd have gone on with your life, the same way you had before, but winning? You can't just continue being a content loser after you've won. Why, the world just doesn't work that way.

Jazmine Sullivan picks the winner of the Fearless Lyric Contest a week from today, and I'm so honestly hoping its not me. I'm not ready for all that.

Date situation went well. You know you were dying for me to tell you that.

Do y'all remember Jesse? White boy, with the fiance that would not quit from last spring? He's back. Well no, let me amend that. He's not back for shit. But he wants to be back. He planned this immaculate ass scheme to get back in my life today. Somethin like this:

Text message received: Jenny:
Jesse has your sweater. Can I give him your number?

Me (thinking): Watch this nigga just wants an excuse to call me. But wait, I did lose my red & black sweater. And WAIT! that is the sweater we used in our performance...okay

Text message sent: I guess.

Turns out, he just wanted an excuse to call me. Said I wouldn't have agreed to give him my number if I didn't wanna talk to him. Nigga I was concerned about my mother fucking sweater. You and your fat ass insecure stupid bitch of a fiance can hit the ground runnin with the bullshit. Fuck off my phone. That shit upset me all fucking day.

And if you're wondering why the hostility at his fiance, cus that bitch pissed me off! And almost made me want to take her fucking man all this time ago. On some "Ashley, you're worried about people thinking there's something going on between you and Jesse, please don't. I've already told everyone, you're not his type at all! He likes his women more.....mature." She's 24. He's 21. They're both full of shit. Her more than him. He's just a dog. She's running the kennel - letting the dog shit all over her, and loving it.

Sorry. Feeling a little pent up aggression there.

My head really hurts.

I'm putting the new layout up as soon as I talk to Zula about it. Which will be never again, so it'll look like this forever. Not a bad way to go, if I do say so myself. I am changing the playlist though. Now. =]

-A.

//edit// I FIGURED IT OUT!! I FIGURED OUT WHY NO MATTER WHAT I DO, I CAN'T MAKE THE NEW BLOG SEXY! lol. Okay. I'll put it up tomorrow. Omgsh, I'm so dumb. I see the light now! I see it! Really!! Don't you see it?

Lol. Its not gonna be a big change, but you guys will love it. Guaranteed.

I don't really feel like blogging. I'ma go hop in the shower, wash my hair && shit. I've got a date type situation tomorrow, so I gotta be all extra'd. =] Yall wanna know the details? Yea well, fuck that. Through my own personal experience and observation I've learned that to blog about a perspective relationship is to doom said relationship before it even has a chance to blossom. Leaves too much room for over analysis. So I'm not telling yall shit until something becomes something. And this way, if it doesn't, I don't feel like I have to explain myself to you. Moving on.

Sam && Danny's blogs are officially back open. You have no idea how happy that makes me. I missed the shit out of them. They're both linked, if you wanna be nosy. Hadda one of those semi long random talks with Sam today. I miss those. Where we talk for a decent amount of time about absolutely nothing. Don't you love that? I showed her the upcoming blog layout. I know yall wish I'd stop talking about it and just put it up already. I know you wish that. I know. She likes it. The more I look at it though, the less I like it. The more I think it could be more....I don't know. I feel like for all the time and energy I put into it, it could be better than it is. I'm my own worst critic. When I put it up, comment, & tell me its pretty, yea? Everybody who sees it, comment, && tell me its pretty. That'd just make my day.

I'm itching. I haven't taken pictures in a while. lol yall have no idea the extent of my cam whoreness. I get hella antsy after a little while.

Off topic: My room is a fucking pressure cooker right now. Its so hot. I like the heat though. But I like sauna type heat, this is middle of the desert, dry, anti humidity type heat. Whatever. back on topic.

I'ma take pictures soon. Stay tuned for em & stuff.

Had a long talk with my twin today. Well, technically, we've paused the talk, cus I'ma get in the shower, but we're talking about her boy problems. You wanna know what her problem is? She doesn't know who to choose. She's got like seven dudes waiting around for her to choose them, and she doesn't wanna choose the wrong one, so she's not choosing at all.

I look at her, and I look at me, and I wonder how she's got like twelve people struggling to be in her life, and I'm trippin of tryna catch one. But I know what it is. My twin is so content. She doesn't need much. She just needs a man thats going to try, and thats going to support her while she's trying. Thats all. Its so peaceful, and admirable. I know any relationship she enters into is going to be a steady one, because she's just that kind of person.

Me, on the other hand, I need a boss nigga. lmfao. I need a lot of attention, and a lot of time. I need you to prove to me that you give a shit, all the time, && if you can't, you're cut off. I need text messages in the middle of the day that say "I was just thinking about you." Like some girls are like, oh that'd be nice. No, thats necessary. Without stuff like that, I'd be lost. I'd be wondering what he was doing that had him not thinking about texting me. lol. OKay, I see it clearly now. I'm insecure, & a little psycho. Where as my twin, she's very secure, and very much not psycho. That makes much more sense.

Like I was saying. Shower, wash my hair, watch Dream Girls while I talk to my twin, && then I'm going to bed. Need my beauty rest & stuff.

Night All.
-A.

You know whats lame? Following your own blog. I think following blogs is gay anyway. lol I mean, in theory. It turns everything into a popularity contest. Oh! I've got five followers && you've got none. Seriously? I don't think thats what bloggings about. Why is it that all websites are getting hella myspace-y? Like, okay, Facebook. I fucking hate Facebook, no doubt about it, but I respected Facebook, for the fact that Facebook was not Myspace. It was nothing like myspace, which made it cool. Then, it went & added all the applications to make it just like Myspace. So now, not only is it irritating, its unoriginal. No points for Facebook.

And has anybody noticed myspace is reaching a new high on the lameness meter? The new myspace music almost had my mom in tears this afternoon. "Ashley! I put the song on, cus, I like it, but now its telling me I can only put on ten songs, and I wanna take it off, but it won't let me!!"

Speaking of MySpace, this girl in my philosophy class tonight didn't know who Sarah Palin was. & we're like, you don't read magazines? The paper? Watch the news? Open Yahoo.com & see her face in the election section? & then my friend Angelica pointed out that MySpace has made it completely socially unacceptable to not know whats going on. There's an election button on Myspace. They stream the debates live. So theres really no reason for you to not be up on your candidates.

I can't vote, so my opinion doesn't matter, but honestly, neither one of em seem to amazing to me.

Moving on. I walked home from school tonight. It took me like an hour. It was beautiful out. In a fall kinda way. A little chilly, but mostly just beautiful. Have I told yall that I love how rain smells? Cus I really do. Picked up some food on my way home, & now I'm watching Flashdance. Well, I've got Flashdance on pause, its like 15 minutes from the end. Whatever.

Another thing that hit me today? There's nothing new about our generation. Step up came out & we freaked the fuck out like that was just our new shit. Have you ever seen Fame? There is nothing new about step up. Nothing at all.

Another thing that was brought up in my philosophy class was how a lot of philosophers struck out to live on their own at age 17. And why it is that the people of the past, who I seriously believe are so much smarter than we are now, did so much on so little, and we, the new generation, do so little with so much? Basically the philosopher we're studying (who's name is French, so I won't bother myself with trying to spell it) says that living with our parents shelters ourselves. Not saying that anything in our lives actually changes. Basically like your parents are a safety net that doesn't actually exist. A placebo, if you will, for your well being. You think you're safer because they're around, when in reality, they can't protect you from anything. He says the moment we strike out on our own, stop taking the sugar pill, we gain new knowledge about ourselves and the worlds around us.

Why do we do what society tells us to when we all so openly hate society? We all hate trends and fads that make us all the same, yet hating the trends has become the trend, so we're right where society wants us, now aren't we? Why doesn't anybody do anything new? Anything different? Anything ground breaking? Anything completely and utterly fucking stupid? Why do we all just do nothing? Sit here in front of our computers, blog about our pasts, our presents, our futures, our hopes, are dreams, all the things we want to do, but we don't ever actually do anything? I'm sick of it. Is it because its never occurred to us to do something different? Be something different? Is it because we don't think we could? Is it fear? What is it, so we can get passed it. This generation is going to make a difference. The question really is, what kind of difference is it going to be.

I don't want to sit in front of a computer anymore and tell yall about what I"m going to do. I want to tell you what I've done. I want to show you where I've been. I honestly wish you all could experience it with me. Wouldn't that be cool? Just like, some people, in a van, on the road, going to anywhere? I want that so much right now.

Blah. I'm rambling.
Bye.

Its been a long day of doing absolutely nothing. I'm appropriately tired && ready to take my black ass to bed. To see a movie tomorrow or not to see a movie tomorrow? That is the question...

Downloaded that 'You're Fired' by AdV this evenin. If you haven't yet, you should. Gimme a minute, I'll provide a link [clickit]. Right, like my blog gets soo much traffic that I'm allowed to promote. [/sarcasm] oh! Speaking of traffic, did yall notice my counter? Course you didn't. I'm discreet that way.

Anyway, I brought up the AdV project because one of the songs gave the idea for the finishing touches on the new blog layout. I'm gonna tweak a few more things but I'm pretty sure its done. I just don't want to put it up yet. Its so sick. You guys truly aren't ready. *giggles maniacally*

Sam said she's coming back to blogging!! Danny too. I can't fuck with yall, yall don't blog consistently. Its irritating as fuck.

Speaking of inconsistency, Elmo deleted her blog. =[ she was my only follower. Now my blog is cold and lonely again. Follow me?

Erm. My head has hurt all fucking day. I don't even wanna look at this screen anymore. I'm going to bed.

-A.

What is it that you should do on the eve of a layoff? What files do you panic to send yourself from the company email that you KNEW you should not use for personal things - such as bashing exes, flirting with the next, downloading music, trashing bosses, and the rest of the thousand inappropriate ways you frittered away your time on the company dime? But, screw 'em. You were loyal to them... and they in turned dumped you like they had a hotter, younger and smarter one waiting in the wings. They don't of course. But you still feel like you gave them the best years of your life. This, is a lie. Not the best - it was a paycheck and not your life's ambition. And yet, you feel like they broke up with you, and, you, in turn look at them incredulously like "YOU are breaking up with ME?"

-Taken from some random blog I stumbled across.

Come visit forreal @ literary.romance@blogspot.com

I've been hella tired lately, like it doesn't even make any sense. I fall asleep on the bus on the way to work, I fall asleep at work, I fall asleep on the bus on the way to school, I fall asleep at school, I fall asleep on the bus on the way home from school, then by the time I get home, I'm up. =| I'm sure you see how this can be problematic. So today, when I got home I was like 'fuck this, I'm going to sleep.' I knew I'd be up madd early but I figured I'd clean my room or something. I really do need to clean it, its getting gross again. Anyway. I went to sleep at 8.

Now its 3 in the morning, and I'm wide awake.

Now there's some people in the world that can only get a set amount of sleep. &+ I did used to think I was one of them. Like if you put me to bed at ten, I'd wake up at five, so I was like okay, seven hours of sleep, thats me. But then, my sleep schedule started getting thrown off && i'd sleep for all sorts of ridiculous hours. Once, I was asleep for a solid twelve (four AM to four PM, it was nightmarish). So after all that I figured I wasn't one of those set hours of sleep people. And now look at me.

& I'm hella not cleaning my room until the sun comes up. I mean I'll do it, but I'ma chill here for like five more hours. Omgsh. No! See?! I don't wanna waste my fucking day like that. I would go to 24, but its raining. Fuck walking to 24 & back in the rain. 'Oh, I was trying to get healthy, & just happened to catch pneumonia in the process." Yea, right. It always amazes me when I spell pneumonia right. Like, that u/e thing? I always feel like its gotta be a trick.

And tell me why I had this completely pointless, nonsensical ass dream that we had a night school class in the support room of my job? Wait, no. Like I can't remember the whole dream. At first we were in the break room of my job with blankets on the floor playing GTA. But that was just like Me, && Dale, && Belinda. Then we were having a weird night school class in the support room. But like, I wasn't. Like they were in one portion, && I was in another, fucking around. No! I was talking to Jen, our production coordinator, cus she was showing me some stuff on youtube, like how she wanted me to move && dress for the night school play && stuff. &+ then Chase started playing I'll Be in the Sky (the main song on here) on the guitar. And then I got a call from this little girl named Sol, who's supposedly my Cousin Kenisha's daughter. She didn't say Kenisha though. I just figured she meant Kenisha cus I knew it was my Aunt Sherise calling, I recognized her voice. I think I was actually thinking of my cousin Paris' baby, cus they were calling from Denver*. So basically my brain just got hella confused. Last thing about this dream that makes it hella crazy, is that when I walked out of the support room to take the call, I was actually in the main hallway of my house, like I'd just walked out of my bathroom. I walked in the ktichen to get something to drink, and woke up realizing I was thirsty as hell.

Its weird cus now that I think about it, that pretty much sums up everything I've been thinking about for the past two weeks. Work, school, work, work, work, work, and the mass quantity of cousins, all in my age range, that're getting pregnant like that shit is in fashion. Don't get me wrong, I mean, thats what black families do, right? You've always got between 2 and 7 pregnant family members. I guess its irkin me because its never been that close to my generation before. My cousin Shaky got pregnant last summer, she's only a year older than me. Paris is pregnant, she's only two years older than me. Kenisha's not pregnant, I don't think, but its possible, she's a year older than me. My friend Brittney's talkin about how she might be pregnant. I guarantee you, my cousin Decko will be pregnant before the end of next year, and she's a year younger than me. Its so weird, that we're at that stage in life. I don't know, its just irking me.

Zula! A) I was laughin so hard when I seen that layout. See? If people were as original as me, we wouldn't be having these problems. B) I actually wanted the purple Nano for a second, cus I thought it was dark blue, && then the orange one, cus it looks Gold, but I'ma just stick with my good old fashioned blue one. c) Why when you said top part of your phone, I read pop tart like 8 times? I'MHUNGRY! =[ & we have to communicate through blogs now I guess since we're never on yahoo at the same time anymore. Sad as that is. =/

Yea, you actually didn't have to read that last paragraph, but its okay. I forgive you.

-A.

*You ever said something, and read it over, && realized you said something other than you just thought you said? lol I get Denver, Colorado and Chicago, Illinois confused, all the time. I have since I was like three. Cus the first time we went to Chicago, we took the Greyhound, && we had to get off and switch buses, and we did that in Denver. So I'm like, "mommy are we there yet?" && this female gone lie and say "just about". So I've always associated them with each other, even though I know Denver ain't no kinda "just about" Chicago. Kay, I'm gonna try sleep again now.

//edit// I didn't go to sleep when I finished this blog, I went to go fiddle around with the new blog idea. Yall remember the tester blog link? You can look if you want. Boy do I have some shit for you. =D

Today I was seriously thinking about what I wanted for my birthday. I've come up with a couple things. I know its only October and my birthdays in December, but I've gotta give yall time to come up with a savings plan right?

The first, and probably the easiest, the LG Voyager:


Second, a little harder, a new nano (the blue one, don't be stupid):


Third, && I lied, these are hella the easiest, an adorable pair of black high heeled boots, something like this:


Fourth, one of the hardest, I'm sure. My middle name is Pearl, if you all didn't know. I'm addicted to them. Most of mine are fake though. I only have one real one, that I never wear, because I'm afraid something will happen to it. I'd like a strand. Something like this:

Note: Not those exactly! Those cost 4000 dollars. Psh.

Fifth, the second hardest, the pearls still being the hardest. I want a car. In particular:


Thats it! Lol, yea, I'm a brat. Spoiled. With expensive taste. && I love me that way. Seriously? I'll probably get none of that. Maybe the boots. I'm getting the phone simply because I'm getting it for myself. But if you wanna get any of it for me, let me know, I'll set you up with info && stuffs.

Is your birthday coming up? Tell me what you want. =] W/ pictures though. Pictures make it fun.

-A.