=] I changed my layout. I personally think its too white now, but whatever, I'll tweak it later. Zula wants a blog. So.......

Y'all know I've been bitching and moaning about this relationship thing for an eternity, but I've actually really been thinking about it today, and I've realized I'm not in one because I honestly wouldn't know what to do with one if I had one. In one of my favorite movies, The Wedding Date, one of the main characters says that every woman has the exact love life that she wants. And, like the love interest in the movie, I had a problem with that when I first heard it. Who wants to believe that they're responsible for their own predicament? lol, what kind of world would that be - where people took responsibility for their own actions? Please. But the more I think about it, the more I realize its true. I don't know what I want from a relationship right now, so I'm content to complain about how much I want the perfect man to fall from the sky, meanwhile being hearbreakingly rude to any man that approaches me. Its a pretty perfect set up.

However, I've never been the type do be okay with things like that. I've never been okay with seeing a flaw, and just accepting that its a flaw and moving on, I'm a perfectionist. So now that I know what the flaw is, I've started trying to fix it. To understand it, so that I can fix it. There, that's better. And there's the question for this evening: what do I want from a relationship?

Before we start on what I want from a romantic relationship, lets think about what I want from a platonic relationship. I'm going to take two friends and use them as examples. This is another thing I was thinking about today. I have one friend, he asks me what I'm doing, I tell him I'm chillin, he says he's doing the same. We talk about nothing, we laugh about everything. We're both completely capable of intelligent conversation, and we have them occasionally, but otherwise we pretty much avoid it. We're both in the same situation relationship wise, we both want people "on our level" but we ourselves haven't figured out which level we want to be on.

Confused? Maybe this'll help you. My other friend is amazing in every meaning of the word. So accomplished. You can never find this nigga he's always off doing something. And even if he is just sitting around, his conversation, I can guarantee you, will always teach you something. He makes you want to better yourself, makes you want to be up on your game, but at the same time, he intimidates you, makes you want to go hang around your less intelligent friends, so that you can feel like you're the smartest person you know again, even if its just for a little while.

My social life is full of contradictions like these. It always has been, because I'm such a contradiction myself. I was always popular in school but never "popular" if that makes any sense. I just talked to everybody. I've always been that way. I can hold a conversation with anybody, about any subject that suits them. I'm a chameleon. So much so that I never did really figure out what it is that I like talking about, or which people I'd prefer to be around. I just like being around people.

So you see? Well, you might not, but its okay, because I do. Before I can figure out what kind of man I want to be in a relationship with, I'd have to figure out what kind of woman I was going to be in said relationship. Am I going to go with someone thats on the same level as me, someone who will make me feel secure in myself, someone that I'll never have to worry about, someone that'll make me feel comfortable exactly where I am? Or am I going to go with someone who's a few steps above me? Someone who's going to make me strive to be something better? Someone who's not going to make me feel secure and comfortalbe. Can I handle not feeling secure and comfortable?

I tell people all the time that the reason I'm not in relationship is because I don't want more of the same. Why would I want to do the same shit I could've done with the last nigga, the same way the last nigga would've done it? There's nothing new about these people. Thats what I tell people. In reality, I'm not in relationship, not because I'm afraid of more of the same, simply because I'm afraid of anything different.

And thats what I realized about myself today.

You happy now Zula?

-A.