I blogged, but then I kept coming back and staring at the blog, feeling dissatisfied. Lets talk. Forreal. Lets.

Weekends are the worst. I'm beginning to really hate them. I need to be at school. Or at work. Or out. All the time. When I'm not, I spiral into this completely irrational depression. It feels like everythings going to fall apart, so I shouldn't even try. Like I'm not worthy of the friendships I have, so I should end them. Like, I don't know, it just feels like sadness. Like immensely overwhelming sadness.

With the exception of Walter, everything I've ever loved has been taken from me, or left me, at some point in time. Everything. And its never been in a gradual, "we're just growing apart" kinda way. Its always been violent, and heartbreaking. To the point that I just don't want to love anymore. I'd prefer to skip it entirely. But I still want to be loved. Unconditionally. Isn't that selfish. I'm normally not a selfish person. At all. Well no, thats a lie. I'm ridiculously selfish. I only do what makes me feel good. Issue being that making other people feel good makes me feel better than anything else. I'm rambling aren't I? Sorry. I was just saying, maybe I should be less considerate? Maybe I should think about me. I've had this conversation with myself before. This is what I meant when I said I'd hit a brick wall. I'm going in circles with the same shit, and everytime I think I've conquered it, it sneaks back up on me. Its ridiculous. I want to cry. Honestly I do.

It just occured to me that my mommy's not home yet. If she were, I would go snuggle up under her until she kicked me out. I love mi madre. I don't have anything else to do with my life but sleep. Depression in my case generally leads to heightened insomnia. Are you awake? Talk to me.

& as far as that friendship that I said I was going to have to end, I changed my mind. I deserve to be happy, and theres no reason why I can't be happy and everyone else in the situation be happy at the same time. And if someone does end up getting hurt, its their own gotdamn fault. So yea, I'll be keeping that friendship, no need to worry.

If you had cause to think I was talking about you, I probably was.

Can I ramble for a minute longer? This is why my blogs always seem so written, they usually are, like I usually know what I'm going to say before I even get to a computer, because if I just let things flow, they get really random and long and hard to follow. I'm not an idiot, but my thoughts don't always flow intelligently. Anyway, like I was going to say:

I honestly don't believe in purely platonic relationships between members of the opposite sex. I believe relationships can function purely platonicly, but I don't think they ever actually are. I think the girlfriend/boyfriend is just the contest winner, and the best friends are the runner ups. Every female sees the possibility for love in a male counterpart, especially if they already get along pretty well, and every man thinks with his dick at some point and thinks of the possibility of some pussy, with someone he already gets along with pretty well. Win win situation. I've probably said too much but nobody READS this bitch, and its my blog I'll say whatever the hell I want.

& with that, I'll mosey on to the next subject. I hate people who write cryptic ass blogs about important subjects but for some retarded ass sociopolitical reason, they can't give details. Is that out of respect or fear? I think its fear. Honestly, in my case, most times, its fear. But I think I bullshit less. I think I'm worse at secrets, cus generally, if I'm talking about you, you're gonna know I'm talking about you, and anyone else who knows the situation is gonna know that I'm talking about you, and on a bad day, I might just call your whole shit out. Who cares? I don't. Why should yall? Aw...i hurt your little internet feelings when I mentioned your boyfriends name in my blog? get the fuck over it. Ain't yall supposed to be grown? Who has time?

Transition has been made. I'm not sad anymore, I'm pissed. I'm pissed about the fact that I'm sad with absolutely no reason. That shit pisses me off. I'm venemous and I'm bitter and I should really shut up before I end up saying something that just hurts everyone.

I'm going to bed.

"I may never understand why. I'm doing the best that I can and I, I try and I try to forget this, but I'm too damned full of resentment."

-A.