Blogging from another person's computer is weird. Its like...i don't know. Its like putting a top secret file on the hard drive at the library. Its just fundamentally backwards. Worse still, is going from an Apple to a PC. Its hard to blog when I have to refamiliarize myself with buttons && shit. Feelin all inferior to the keyboard. This is not the way the world is supposed to be.
I hate when people I don't talk to fuck around and get their feelings hurt cus I'm not up to pretending that I talk to them. Like uhm....yes, I am going to ask you about my actual current relationship status because I actually do need a male's opinion. Then your feelings are hurt because your supposed to be my "boo"? NIGGA YOU CLAIMED TO BE IN LOVE WITH MY BEST FRIEND! So run that shit by me one more time? Yea, thats what I thought.
I just realized I have Y! Multi on this computer. -opens it. Ehh, nevermind. Old yahoo's are old yahoos for a reason. I was thinking about making a new one, but I mean, come on. Have you seen my sn? It actually doesn't get anymore cruel and unusual than that. I love it. It shall stay.
That song "Can't Believe It"? Stuck in my head for no reason. Like, on heavy mental rotation. && I'm not even a T-Wayne fan. Weezy works my fucking nerves in that song actually. Nigga stop mutterin. Speak up. Ya mama ain't teach you enunciation? ENUNCIATE NIGGA. Another reason I dislike that song? The use of the word ventilation. "Baby I brought you in the back cus you need a little persuasion, plus you need a little ventilation." I promise you T-Pain, the room she was in before was properly ventilated. I promise you it was. Unless she's working at an illegal Chinese sweat shop in East LA, she had ventilation. And if she was at the sweat shop, the fuck were you doing there? Is there some new hip definition for the word ventilation? Am I trippin? Cus you know, I'm thinking like, vents && shit. Let me know if I'm wrong so I can shut the fuck up though, seriously.
Speaking of Chinese sweat shops in East LA. I wanna see Real Women Have Curves. That movie is my shit. America Ferrerra is my shit. Thats that pre-Ugly Betty, pre-Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants America Ferrerra. Thats from way back when the only way you knew who America Ferrerra was is if you watched Gotta Kick It Up on Disney Channel, back when Disney Channel was cool, before Hannah Montana's bitch ass invaded. Back when Hannah Montana was watching Lizzy McGuire && wishing she could be on a TV show of her own. Are you with me? lol, I kinda got off track there, so if you're not with me, don't trip, I'm not even with me. The deterioration of Disney Channel is a soft spot for me. Like, you know what irks me? They take full credit for Lindsay Lohan, ya know, for giving her her "big break" in Parent Trap, but they take no credit for Shia LeBouf, who got his "big break" on Even Stevens.
Randomly related. Have yall seen Eagle Eye?! Top notch movie, people. And I don't say that often. Shit. I can't watch real women have curves without my computer charger. My computer chargers not here. Thats why I'm not on my computer. Shit. I'ma have to go get it.
Shit.
Damn.
Fuck.
I'll talk to yall later.
-A.
Can't Believe It
30.9.08
The Lounge.
28.9.08
My philosophy class has gotten me thinking about what I stand for really. My instructor says every person has a few basic principles that they base their life around, and, whether good or bad, those principles make the person. I have three, that I can think of off the top of my head, and, when I think about it, they actually really do explain just about everything I do.
1) If nothing else, I believe in balance. There's no pleasure without pain, no prosperity without suffering, no right without wrong. You wouldn't be on time if nobody had ever been late. You wouldn't be smart if somebody wasn't stupid. You wouldn't be pretty if somebody wasn't ugly. Would you know what clean looked like if somebody wasn't dirty? Balance is the most underappreciated thing in the world. Everything you look at is relative. Its on a spot in the spectrum of balance. You think gas prices are high, but they're only high now because they were low at another point. You think you're broke, but you only think that because someone else has more. And you're only rich if someone else has less. Balance makes the world go round.
2) This isn't something that should be applied to everyone, but it definitely applies to me. I'm a perfectionist to the point that if I'm not going to do something all the way, I won't do it at all. Think go hard or go home, except for if I'm not going to go hard, I won't leave the house. Why waste the energy? If i'm not going to clean my room all the way, I won't clean it. If I'm not going to do my homework well, I won't do it. If I'm not going to give my all at school or work, I won't go. Thats the number one thing that pisses people off about me most of the time. They try to explaian to me that the world doesn't work that way. And if it did, no one would ever get anything done. I don't agree. I think the best people would get the best things done. People say that, if I really live like that, people must dislike me a whole lot. Not true at all. I'm admired. Because the few things I do,I do well. So well in fact, that I'm asked to do them regularly. I'm knowwn for the things I do, and the things I don't do are very rarely even mentioned, because people are so in awe with the things I do. Like I said, probably not a good mindset for everyone to have, but its definitely one I live by.
3) This probably should've been number two, but I thought of it last. I believe in God, and have faith. Faith, really, is at the bottom of all my decisions. Because at the end of the day, the things we do are nothing in the grand scheme of the world. And you have to believe you have purpose, or the contents of your life, no matter how grand, start to seem so small. Faith, the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen, will produce a breeze on the hottest day. Faith will be that extra ten minutes on your cell phone battery. Faith will be the good friend that calls you just as your world seems to fall apart. Faith is the joke that makes you laugh when you were on the verge of tears. Without faith, the world really is a dark place.
However, believing in balance as I do, I understand that everyone can't have faith. It wouldn't be faith if they did. If everyone believed, belief wouldn't have the power that it does. It wouldn't shock and awe people the way it does if it was commonplace. But it hurts my heart that everyone can't have the faith that I have. The underlying sense that, no matter what the drama, everythings going to be okay. Yes, sometimes I cry, because I can't see the way out, but I dry my eyes soon after, because I know I don't have to see it for it to be there. I don't have to see Him for Him to be there. And I know that He is.
I don't know how to describe it. Knowing that he's real and believing in him is so different. Its like the difference between air and wind. Same thing when you look at it scientifically, but the believing gives it so much more power. I wish everybody could feel that. I wish everybody could understand that.
But I know that they can't.
My faith is one of the few things that I generally don't push. For the simple fact that I'm not doing it to the best of my ability. I'm actually not doing anything at all with it. Theres that perfectionism. I want to though. I need to start taking responsibility for my own spiritual growth and not leaving it in the hands of just anybody. Blah. somebody remind me that I said that. I'll forget.
Uhm. I could probably conjure up plenty more to say, but I won't. Its hot. Its late. I think I'm going to head over to my godfathers though, && watch my TV shows. I'm all late. I didn't remember it was Sunday till justttt now. lol, how slow am I.
Anyway, if you're reading this, try thinking about the few principles that make you who you are. It doesn't matter how big or small they are. Just that they are. Ever heard that line "Stand for something, or you'll fall for anything"? It actually doesn't matter what you stand for, as long as you're standing.
Dontcha think?
-A.
1) If nothing else, I believe in balance. There's no pleasure without pain, no prosperity without suffering, no right without wrong. You wouldn't be on time if nobody had ever been late. You wouldn't be smart if somebody wasn't stupid. You wouldn't be pretty if somebody wasn't ugly. Would you know what clean looked like if somebody wasn't dirty? Balance is the most underappreciated thing in the world. Everything you look at is relative. Its on a spot in the spectrum of balance. You think gas prices are high, but they're only high now because they were low at another point. You think you're broke, but you only think that because someone else has more. And you're only rich if someone else has less. Balance makes the world go round.
2) This isn't something that should be applied to everyone, but it definitely applies to me. I'm a perfectionist to the point that if I'm not going to do something all the way, I won't do it at all. Think go hard or go home, except for if I'm not going to go hard, I won't leave the house. Why waste the energy? If i'm not going to clean my room all the way, I won't clean it. If I'm not going to do my homework well, I won't do it. If I'm not going to give my all at school or work, I won't go. Thats the number one thing that pisses people off about me most of the time. They try to explaian to me that the world doesn't work that way. And if it did, no one would ever get anything done. I don't agree. I think the best people would get the best things done. People say that, if I really live like that, people must dislike me a whole lot. Not true at all. I'm admired. Because the few things I do,I do well. So well in fact, that I'm asked to do them regularly. I'm knowwn for the things I do, and the things I don't do are very rarely even mentioned, because people are so in awe with the things I do. Like I said, probably not a good mindset for everyone to have, but its definitely one I live by.
3) This probably should've been number two, but I thought of it last. I believe in God, and have faith. Faith, really, is at the bottom of all my decisions. Because at the end of the day, the things we do are nothing in the grand scheme of the world. And you have to believe you have purpose, or the contents of your life, no matter how grand, start to seem so small. Faith, the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen, will produce a breeze on the hottest day. Faith will be that extra ten minutes on your cell phone battery. Faith will be the good friend that calls you just as your world seems to fall apart. Faith is the joke that makes you laugh when you were on the verge of tears. Without faith, the world really is a dark place.
However, believing in balance as I do, I understand that everyone can't have faith. It wouldn't be faith if they did. If everyone believed, belief wouldn't have the power that it does. It wouldn't shock and awe people the way it does if it was commonplace. But it hurts my heart that everyone can't have the faith that I have. The underlying sense that, no matter what the drama, everythings going to be okay. Yes, sometimes I cry, because I can't see the way out, but I dry my eyes soon after, because I know I don't have to see it for it to be there. I don't have to see Him for Him to be there. And I know that He is.
I don't know how to describe it. Knowing that he's real and believing in him is so different. Its like the difference between air and wind. Same thing when you look at it scientifically, but the believing gives it so much more power. I wish everybody could feel that. I wish everybody could understand that.
But I know that they can't.
My faith is one of the few things that I generally don't push. For the simple fact that I'm not doing it to the best of my ability. I'm actually not doing anything at all with it. Theres that perfectionism. I want to though. I need to start taking responsibility for my own spiritual growth and not leaving it in the hands of just anybody. Blah. somebody remind me that I said that. I'll forget.
Uhm. I could probably conjure up plenty more to say, but I won't. Its hot. Its late. I think I'm going to head over to my godfathers though, && watch my TV shows. I'm all late. I didn't remember it was Sunday till justttt now. lol, how slow am I.
Anyway, if you're reading this, try thinking about the few principles that make you who you are. It doesn't matter how big or small they are. Just that they are. Ever heard that line "Stand for something, or you'll fall for anything"? It actually doesn't matter what you stand for, as long as you're standing.
Dontcha think?
-A.
All Bullshit Aside...?
26.9.08
I blogged, but then I kept coming back and staring at the blog, feeling dissatisfied. Lets talk. Forreal. Lets.
Weekends are the worst. I'm beginning to really hate them. I need to be at school. Or at work. Or out. All the time. When I'm not, I spiral into this completely irrational depression. It feels like everythings going to fall apart, so I shouldn't even try. Like I'm not worthy of the friendships I have, so I should end them. Like, I don't know, it just feels like sadness. Like immensely overwhelming sadness.
With the exception of Walter, everything I've ever loved has been taken from me, or left me, at some point in time. Everything. And its never been in a gradual, "we're just growing apart" kinda way. Its always been violent, and heartbreaking. To the point that I just don't want to love anymore. I'd prefer to skip it entirely. But I still want to be loved. Unconditionally. Isn't that selfish. I'm normally not a selfish person. At all. Well no, thats a lie. I'm ridiculously selfish. I only do what makes me feel good. Issue being that making other people feel good makes me feel better than anything else. I'm rambling aren't I? Sorry. I was just saying, maybe I should be less considerate? Maybe I should think about me. I've had this conversation with myself before. This is what I meant when I said I'd hit a brick wall. I'm going in circles with the same shit, and everytime I think I've conquered it, it sneaks back up on me. Its ridiculous. I want to cry. Honestly I do.
It just occured to me that my mommy's not home yet. If she were, I would go snuggle up under her until she kicked me out. I love mi madre. I don't have anything else to do with my life but sleep. Depression in my case generally leads to heightened insomnia. Are you awake? Talk to me.
& as far as that friendship that I said I was going to have to end, I changed my mind. I deserve to be happy, and theres no reason why I can't be happy and everyone else in the situation be happy at the same time. And if someone does end up getting hurt, its their own gotdamn fault. So yea, I'll be keeping that friendship, no need to worry.
If you had cause to think I was talking about you, I probably was.
Can I ramble for a minute longer? This is why my blogs always seem so written, they usually are, like I usually know what I'm going to say before I even get to a computer, because if I just let things flow, they get really random and long and hard to follow. I'm not an idiot, but my thoughts don't always flow intelligently. Anyway, like I was going to say:
I honestly don't believe in purely platonic relationships between members of the opposite sex. I believe relationships can function purely platonicly, but I don't think they ever actually are. I think the girlfriend/boyfriend is just the contest winner, and the best friends are the runner ups. Every female sees the possibility for love in a male counterpart, especially if they already get along pretty well, and every man thinks with his dick at some point and thinks of the possibility of some pussy, with someone he already gets along with pretty well. Win win situation. I've probably said too much but nobody READS this bitch, and its my blog I'll say whatever the hell I want.
& with that, I'll mosey on to the next subject. I hate people who write cryptic ass blogs about important subjects but for some retarded ass sociopolitical reason, they can't give details. Is that out of respect or fear? I think its fear. Honestly, in my case, most times, its fear. But I think I bullshit less. I think I'm worse at secrets, cus generally, if I'm talking about you, you're gonna know I'm talking about you, and anyone else who knows the situation is gonna know that I'm talking about you, and on a bad day, I might just call your whole shit out. Who cares? I don't. Why should yall? Aw...i hurt your little internet feelings when I mentioned your boyfriends name in my blog? get the fuck over it. Ain't yall supposed to be grown? Who has time?
Transition has been made. I'm not sad anymore, I'm pissed. I'm pissed about the fact that I'm sad with absolutely no reason. That shit pisses me off. I'm venemous and I'm bitter and I should really shut up before I end up saying something that just hurts everyone.
I'm going to bed.
"I may never understand why. I'm doing the best that I can and I, I try and I try to forget this, but I'm too damned full of resentment."
-A.
Weekends are the worst. I'm beginning to really hate them. I need to be at school. Or at work. Or out. All the time. When I'm not, I spiral into this completely irrational depression. It feels like everythings going to fall apart, so I shouldn't even try. Like I'm not worthy of the friendships I have, so I should end them. Like, I don't know, it just feels like sadness. Like immensely overwhelming sadness.
With the exception of Walter, everything I've ever loved has been taken from me, or left me, at some point in time. Everything. And its never been in a gradual, "we're just growing apart" kinda way. Its always been violent, and heartbreaking. To the point that I just don't want to love anymore. I'd prefer to skip it entirely. But I still want to be loved. Unconditionally. Isn't that selfish. I'm normally not a selfish person. At all. Well no, thats a lie. I'm ridiculously selfish. I only do what makes me feel good. Issue being that making other people feel good makes me feel better than anything else. I'm rambling aren't I? Sorry. I was just saying, maybe I should be less considerate? Maybe I should think about me. I've had this conversation with myself before. This is what I meant when I said I'd hit a brick wall. I'm going in circles with the same shit, and everytime I think I've conquered it, it sneaks back up on me. Its ridiculous. I want to cry. Honestly I do.
It just occured to me that my mommy's not home yet. If she were, I would go snuggle up under her until she kicked me out. I love mi madre. I don't have anything else to do with my life but sleep. Depression in my case generally leads to heightened insomnia. Are you awake? Talk to me.
& as far as that friendship that I said I was going to have to end, I changed my mind. I deserve to be happy, and theres no reason why I can't be happy and everyone else in the situation be happy at the same time. And if someone does end up getting hurt, its their own gotdamn fault. So yea, I'll be keeping that friendship, no need to worry.
If you had cause to think I was talking about you, I probably was.
Can I ramble for a minute longer? This is why my blogs always seem so written, they usually are, like I usually know what I'm going to say before I even get to a computer, because if I just let things flow, they get really random and long and hard to follow. I'm not an idiot, but my thoughts don't always flow intelligently. Anyway, like I was going to say:
I honestly don't believe in purely platonic relationships between members of the opposite sex. I believe relationships can function purely platonicly, but I don't think they ever actually are. I think the girlfriend/boyfriend is just the contest winner, and the best friends are the runner ups. Every female sees the possibility for love in a male counterpart, especially if they already get along pretty well, and every man thinks with his dick at some point and thinks of the possibility of some pussy, with someone he already gets along with pretty well. Win win situation. I've probably said too much but nobody READS this bitch, and its my blog I'll say whatever the hell I want.
& with that, I'll mosey on to the next subject. I hate people who write cryptic ass blogs about important subjects but for some retarded ass sociopolitical reason, they can't give details. Is that out of respect or fear? I think its fear. Honestly, in my case, most times, its fear. But I think I bullshit less. I think I'm worse at secrets, cus generally, if I'm talking about you, you're gonna know I'm talking about you, and anyone else who knows the situation is gonna know that I'm talking about you, and on a bad day, I might just call your whole shit out. Who cares? I don't. Why should yall? Aw...i hurt your little internet feelings when I mentioned your boyfriends name in my blog? get the fuck over it. Ain't yall supposed to be grown? Who has time?
Transition has been made. I'm not sad anymore, I'm pissed. I'm pissed about the fact that I'm sad with absolutely no reason. That shit pisses me off. I'm venemous and I'm bitter and I should really shut up before I end up saying something that just hurts everyone.
I'm going to bed.
"I may never understand why. I'm doing the best that I can and I, I try and I try to forget this, but I'm too damned full of resentment."
-A.
Everything I Do.
So I know that in the tri state area, thats California, Oregon && Arizona, they do this thing called 'Poetry in Motion' on the buses. Basically they just put up poems on the bus, so that people can read them while they're riding. The program was recently picked up and sponsered by comcast, so you might see it outside of the original tri state area, but it started in LA. A young poet named Karina Morales started leaving poems taped to the seats on the buses and the city thought it was a good idea. Uplifting && shit. Whatever.
The ones in LA were about shit that happened in LA. They were about feeling like you were in two different worlds. About drive-bys && Hollywood && shit. The ones in Oregon are about shit that happens in Oregon. Downside? NOTHING HAPPENS IN OREGON. So most of the poems are about nature. And some of them are really pretty. But I mean, they're still about flowers && dogwood trees && shit. The prettiest ones that I've seen out here aren't even real poems. They're just little one liners, that could mean nothing, but I choose to let them mean everything. My favorites:
"I believe in myself slowly. It takes all I have. It takes my wonder." - That ones the screen saver on my phone.
"You absence cuts through me like a needle and thread, so everything I do is stitched with its color." - That ones gorgeous to me. Like, wow. Anyway moving on.
I didn't do anything today but go to work. I watched My Best Friends Girl after work. Dane Cook is funny. Came home, cooked for my brother, put him to bed, and now I'm blogging. What do yall think of the blog by the way. I know Zula likes it. Could I get someone to comment other than Kris, please? Not that I don't appreciate your support Zula! Wuv you!!!
Sidebar: I can't put my finger on it, but I have a bad feeling.
Erm. I smoked a cigarette for the first time yesterday. Don't ask me. I don't know. I was just like, "lemme get a drag off that," && just kinda snatched it. I'd never smoked before that. I'm being corrupted.
My current conundrum: My mother is allowing me to take the Amtrak train to Los Angeles and stay with my friends there for a week, but she won't let me go see Alyssea in Gresham for a weekend. The hell kinda bullshit? Tell me if that shit makes sense to you, cus its killing me.
& Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,
Everything I do is stitched with its color.
-A.
The ones in LA were about shit that happened in LA. They were about feeling like you were in two different worlds. About drive-bys && Hollywood && shit. The ones in Oregon are about shit that happens in Oregon. Downside? NOTHING HAPPENS IN OREGON. So most of the poems are about nature. And some of them are really pretty. But I mean, they're still about flowers && dogwood trees && shit. The prettiest ones that I've seen out here aren't even real poems. They're just little one liners, that could mean nothing, but I choose to let them mean everything. My favorites:
"I believe in myself slowly. It takes all I have. It takes my wonder." - That ones the screen saver on my phone.
"You absence cuts through me like a needle and thread, so everything I do is stitched with its color." - That ones gorgeous to me. Like, wow. Anyway moving on.
I didn't do anything today but go to work. I watched My Best Friends Girl after work. Dane Cook is funny. Came home, cooked for my brother, put him to bed, and now I'm blogging. What do yall think of the blog by the way. I know Zula likes it. Could I get someone to comment other than Kris, please? Not that I don't appreciate your support Zula! Wuv you!!!
Sidebar: I can't put my finger on it, but I have a bad feeling.
Erm. I smoked a cigarette for the first time yesterday. Don't ask me. I don't know. I was just like, "lemme get a drag off that," && just kinda snatched it. I'd never smoked before that. I'm being corrupted.
My current conundrum: My mother is allowing me to take the Amtrak train to Los Angeles and stay with my friends there for a week, but she won't let me go see Alyssea in Gresham for a weekend. The hell kinda bullshit? Tell me if that shit makes sense to you, cus its killing me.
& Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,
Everything I do is stitched with its color.
-A.
Comfortable
24.9.08
I've hit a brick wall as far as this blogging thing is concerned. I don't have anything to say anymore. I don't feel like any of the millions of thoughts running through my head are worth writing down anymore. I don't feel like there's anything new about me. Or, anything that I haven't said already. And I hate writing those, "here's what I did today" blogs. I mean, who wants to hear an itinerary? Especially seeing as I don't do much with the 24 hours God gives me daily. I waste most of it, sad as it is to say. As much as I'd like to get out && do more and things of the nature, I don't really know where to start. So, I guess I've hit a brick wall in more than just blogging.
Its happening with people too. I just don't know what to say to a lot of you anymore. I don't know where to start. Obligation keeps me sending texts and hopping into yahoo boxes and answering phone calls, but honestly? I don't know what to say. Conversations that used to last for hours now span a whopping five minutes. People I used to have everything in common with, I feel like I don't even know anymore. Have I changed? Have you changed? I don't know. I don't place any blame. I haven't figured out if its a bad thing? Maybe I should just move on?
But I don't want to. I've been doing that all my life. Getting tired of people, trading old best friends for new best friends and then wondering why I can never say, "Oh, I've known her for ten years." Why I've never had any long standing friends. Because I always do shit like this. I always get to this place and feel like thats all we can do. Like this is the extent of our friendship, so I bounce. Its terrible of me, but what am I supposed to do? Please tell me, so I can do it. Am I supposed to reveal some new deep, dark, secret, so that we can have something to talk about again? Let me know if thats what I need to do - you know I've got like 47 deep dark secrets. What needs to happen? Because you see, I feel like real friendships shouldn't come to huge standstills like this. I feel like if we were really friends, we'd never run out of things to say. Or maybe, its okay that we've run out of things to say? Maybe, because we're friends, we can just bask in the comfortable silence? I think thats it. Honestly, thats what I think it is. However, with internet friends, basking in the comfortable silence does not seem friendly at all, it feels like you're being ignored. Is that just me?
Here's what I know. There's one friendship that I'm going to have to end. I spend too much time thinking about things that I shouldn't and I'm not the type of person to come in between someone and their relationship that way. So, yea. Its gonna suck, but thats pretty much it. I'm gonna have to come up with some reason. I hate lying. Maybe I'll just tell the truth. Gawsh. Lyings so much easier. Whatever.
I'm done. Please return to your regularly scheduled programs. Click older posts if you didn't see Zeitgeist. Which I know you didn't, you fucking liars. Nevermind. Don't even watch it. Your minds aren't even ready honestly. It'd go straight over your pathetic little heads.
But now you wanna watch it, don't you?
-A.
//edit// click the xoxoshy link to your right, looka that layout, tell me what you think. you can comment there or here. thx.
Its happening with people too. I just don't know what to say to a lot of you anymore. I don't know where to start. Obligation keeps me sending texts and hopping into yahoo boxes and answering phone calls, but honestly? I don't know what to say. Conversations that used to last for hours now span a whopping five minutes. People I used to have everything in common with, I feel like I don't even know anymore. Have I changed? Have you changed? I don't know. I don't place any blame. I haven't figured out if its a bad thing? Maybe I should just move on?
But I don't want to. I've been doing that all my life. Getting tired of people, trading old best friends for new best friends and then wondering why I can never say, "Oh, I've known her for ten years." Why I've never had any long standing friends. Because I always do shit like this. I always get to this place and feel like thats all we can do. Like this is the extent of our friendship, so I bounce. Its terrible of me, but what am I supposed to do? Please tell me, so I can do it. Am I supposed to reveal some new deep, dark, secret, so that we can have something to talk about again? Let me know if thats what I need to do - you know I've got like 47 deep dark secrets. What needs to happen? Because you see, I feel like real friendships shouldn't come to huge standstills like this. I feel like if we were really friends, we'd never run out of things to say. Or maybe, its okay that we've run out of things to say? Maybe, because we're friends, we can just bask in the comfortable silence? I think thats it. Honestly, thats what I think it is. However, with internet friends, basking in the comfortable silence does not seem friendly at all, it feels like you're being ignored. Is that just me?
Here's what I know. There's one friendship that I'm going to have to end. I spend too much time thinking about things that I shouldn't and I'm not the type of person to come in between someone and their relationship that way. So, yea. Its gonna suck, but thats pretty much it. I'm gonna have to come up with some reason. I hate lying. Maybe I'll just tell the truth. Gawsh. Lyings so much easier. Whatever.
I'm done. Please return to your regularly scheduled programs. Click older posts if you didn't see Zeitgeist. Which I know you didn't, you fucking liars. Nevermind. Don't even watch it. Your minds aren't even ready honestly. It'd go straight over your pathetic little heads.
But now you wanna watch it, don't you?
-A.
//edit// click the xoxoshy link to your right, looka that layout, tell me what you think. you can comment there or here. thx.
Ain't Nothin Idle.....Everything Is Wild.
22.9.08
Today was a typical fall day in Oregon. Mostly cloudy, scattered showers, lots of rainbows, the way rain makes trees smell, sunlight reflecting on wet roads, a gorgeous breeze, and the awful feeling that time was passing by faster than you could use it.
I firmly believe that in the summer, you can experience every hour out of the twenty four in the day. You know what the sun looks like in the sky at 2:37 versus 12:15. But now its like, my mind is so consumed with that I need to do, with the checklist, that the time goes by too fast.
Woah. okay. So, all that I typed up there? That saved at 10:12 PM. its now 2:25 AM && I've gotta be up in a couple of hours for work. I had a lot to say, but I was watching this movie, and now, I really don't. I'm not big on conspiracy theories, I'm not. I believe in God, and I have faith that He'll work things out for my good. However, I also believe that God helps those who helps themselves, and I think He's ashamed of all the people who call on His name and ask for His help, meanwhile doing nothing to help themselves. I don't think God has any patience for ignorance. So, even though I believe in God, some of the things I heard and saw in this movie really scare me, and its something I pay very close attention to in the future.
Seriously, if you sit online all day, I want you to take the time out of your day to watch this movie.
I don't agree with all of it, but its all really interesting and informative. I'm just saying. I know you're gonna be online doing absolutely nothing for the next two hours anyway. Just watch it. Most of it is listening anyway. So pause your Lil Wayne && TI, your Jay Adams && your Ace da Vinci, && just listen for a bit, alright? You'll be better for it. I promise.
-A.
I firmly believe that in the summer, you can experience every hour out of the twenty four in the day. You know what the sun looks like in the sky at 2:37 versus 12:15. But now its like, my mind is so consumed with that I need to do, with the checklist, that the time goes by too fast.
Woah. okay. So, all that I typed up there? That saved at 10:12 PM. its now 2:25 AM && I've gotta be up in a couple of hours for work. I had a lot to say, but I was watching this movie, and now, I really don't. I'm not big on conspiracy theories, I'm not. I believe in God, and I have faith that He'll work things out for my good. However, I also believe that God helps those who helps themselves, and I think He's ashamed of all the people who call on His name and ask for His help, meanwhile doing nothing to help themselves. I don't think God has any patience for ignorance. So, even though I believe in God, some of the things I heard and saw in this movie really scare me, and its something I pay very close attention to in the future.
Seriously, if you sit online all day, I want you to take the time out of your day to watch this movie.
I don't agree with all of it, but its all really interesting and informative. I'm just saying. I know you're gonna be online doing absolutely nothing for the next two hours anyway. Just watch it. Most of it is listening anyway. So pause your Lil Wayne && TI, your Jay Adams && your Ace da Vinci, && just listen for a bit, alright? You'll be better for it. I promise.
-A.
Following the Leader
20.9.08
I have a follower on my blog! It makes me feel so warm & toasty inside.
So today I bought my train ticket to LA. I'll be there from Oct 24 to Nov. 2. I'm gonna spend the week with all my old fam. My twin, one of my closest guy friends, Will, my crazy friend Britteny, who might be pregnant, my old crush Xavier. I'll probably see Brian && Jeremy while I'm out there. I can't wait. Its gonna be a bomb ass week. I miss them so much.
Big question? Will I or will I not see Bruce? Will I or will I not even tell him that I'm coming? Ehh. Its a toss up. I kinda want to see him. I don't like this animosity I feel building up between us. At the same time, I don't want any mixed signals coming between us either. I'd prefer the animosity to that. Or would I? I don't know. Honestly. This you see right now? This is confusion.
I find myself wanting to go back to church. I haven't been in a long time, but I find myself wanting to go back. I miss feeling like I was on the right track. Its something thats always been really important to me, and I'm starting to feel like my priorities are shifting in a way that I'd prefer them not to.
Segue way, my minds not even here right now. Like, I can't deal with the problems and issues of the now, because my minds already in California. I'm packing, in my head right now, thats what I'm doing. I honestly can't wait.
But I do want to go back to church, remind me that that's something of major importance to me.
Trained a new kid at work today. He was cute. lol. Thats bout all.
G'night loves.
-A.
So today I bought my train ticket to LA. I'll be there from Oct 24 to Nov. 2. I'm gonna spend the week with all my old fam. My twin, one of my closest guy friends, Will, my crazy friend Britteny, who might be pregnant, my old crush Xavier. I'll probably see Brian && Jeremy while I'm out there. I can't wait. Its gonna be a bomb ass week. I miss them so much.
Big question? Will I or will I not see Bruce? Will I or will I not even tell him that I'm coming? Ehh. Its a toss up. I kinda want to see him. I don't like this animosity I feel building up between us. At the same time, I don't want any mixed signals coming between us either. I'd prefer the animosity to that. Or would I? I don't know. Honestly. This you see right now? This is confusion.
I find myself wanting to go back to church. I haven't been in a long time, but I find myself wanting to go back. I miss feeling like I was on the right track. Its something thats always been really important to me, and I'm starting to feel like my priorities are shifting in a way that I'd prefer them not to.
Segue way, my minds not even here right now. Like, I can't deal with the problems and issues of the now, because my minds already in California. I'm packing, in my head right now, thats what I'm doing. I honestly can't wait.
But I do want to go back to church, remind me that that's something of major importance to me.
Trained a new kid at work today. He was cute. lol. Thats bout all.
G'night loves.
-A.
Alright Then Zula Bell Damn......
19.9.08
=] I changed my layout. I personally think its too white now, but whatever, I'll tweak it later. Zula wants a blog. So.......
Y'all know I've been bitching and moaning about this relationship thing for an eternity, but I've actually really been thinking about it today, and I've realized I'm not in one because I honestly wouldn't know what to do with one if I had one. In one of my favorite movies, The Wedding Date, one of the main characters says that every woman has the exact love life that she wants. And, like the love interest in the movie, I had a problem with that when I first heard it. Who wants to believe that they're responsible for their own predicament? lol, what kind of world would that be - where people took responsibility for their own actions? Please. But the more I think about it, the more I realize its true. I don't know what I want from a relationship right now, so I'm content to complain about how much I want the perfect man to fall from the sky, meanwhile being hearbreakingly rude to any man that approaches me. Its a pretty perfect set up.
However, I've never been the type do be okay with things like that. I've never been okay with seeing a flaw, and just accepting that its a flaw and moving on, I'm a perfectionist. So now that I know what the flaw is, I've started trying to fix it. To understand it, so that I can fix it. There, that's better. And there's the question for this evening: what do I want from a relationship?
Before we start on what I want from a romantic relationship, lets think about what I want from a platonic relationship. I'm going to take two friends and use them as examples. This is another thing I was thinking about today. I have one friend, he asks me what I'm doing, I tell him I'm chillin, he says he's doing the same. We talk about nothing, we laugh about everything. We're both completely capable of intelligent conversation, and we have them occasionally, but otherwise we pretty much avoid it. We're both in the same situation relationship wise, we both want people "on our level" but we ourselves haven't figured out which level we want to be on.
Confused? Maybe this'll help you. My other friend is amazing in every meaning of the word. So accomplished. You can never find this nigga he's always off doing something. And even if he is just sitting around, his conversation, I can guarantee you, will always teach you something. He makes you want to better yourself, makes you want to be up on your game, but at the same time, he intimidates you, makes you want to go hang around your less intelligent friends, so that you can feel like you're the smartest person you know again, even if its just for a little while.
My social life is full of contradictions like these. It always has been, because I'm such a contradiction myself. I was always popular in school but never "popular" if that makes any sense. I just talked to everybody. I've always been that way. I can hold a conversation with anybody, about any subject that suits them. I'm a chameleon. So much so that I never did really figure out what it is that I like talking about, or which people I'd prefer to be around. I just like being around people.
So you see? Well, you might not, but its okay, because I do. Before I can figure out what kind of man I want to be in a relationship with, I'd have to figure out what kind of woman I was going to be in said relationship. Am I going to go with someone thats on the same level as me, someone who will make me feel secure in myself, someone that I'll never have to worry about, someone that'll make me feel comfortable exactly where I am? Or am I going to go with someone who's a few steps above me? Someone who's going to make me strive to be something better? Someone who's not going to make me feel secure and comfortalbe. Can I handle not feeling secure and comfortable?
I tell people all the time that the reason I'm not in relationship is because I don't want more of the same. Why would I want to do the same shit I could've done with the last nigga, the same way the last nigga would've done it? There's nothing new about these people. Thats what I tell people. In reality, I'm not in relationship, not because I'm afraid of more of the same, simply because I'm afraid of anything different.
And thats what I realized about myself today.
You happy now Zula?
-A.
Y'all know I've been bitching and moaning about this relationship thing for an eternity, but I've actually really been thinking about it today, and I've realized I'm not in one because I honestly wouldn't know what to do with one if I had one. In one of my favorite movies, The Wedding Date, one of the main characters says that every woman has the exact love life that she wants. And, like the love interest in the movie, I had a problem with that when I first heard it. Who wants to believe that they're responsible for their own predicament? lol, what kind of world would that be - where people took responsibility for their own actions? Please. But the more I think about it, the more I realize its true. I don't know what I want from a relationship right now, so I'm content to complain about how much I want the perfect man to fall from the sky, meanwhile being hearbreakingly rude to any man that approaches me. Its a pretty perfect set up.
However, I've never been the type do be okay with things like that. I've never been okay with seeing a flaw, and just accepting that its a flaw and moving on, I'm a perfectionist. So now that I know what the flaw is, I've started trying to fix it. To understand it, so that I can fix it. There, that's better. And there's the question for this evening: what do I want from a relationship?
Before we start on what I want from a romantic relationship, lets think about what I want from a platonic relationship. I'm going to take two friends and use them as examples. This is another thing I was thinking about today. I have one friend, he asks me what I'm doing, I tell him I'm chillin, he says he's doing the same. We talk about nothing, we laugh about everything. We're both completely capable of intelligent conversation, and we have them occasionally, but otherwise we pretty much avoid it. We're both in the same situation relationship wise, we both want people "on our level" but we ourselves haven't figured out which level we want to be on.
Confused? Maybe this'll help you. My other friend is amazing in every meaning of the word. So accomplished. You can never find this nigga he's always off doing something. And even if he is just sitting around, his conversation, I can guarantee you, will always teach you something. He makes you want to better yourself, makes you want to be up on your game, but at the same time, he intimidates you, makes you want to go hang around your less intelligent friends, so that you can feel like you're the smartest person you know again, even if its just for a little while.
My social life is full of contradictions like these. It always has been, because I'm such a contradiction myself. I was always popular in school but never "popular" if that makes any sense. I just talked to everybody. I've always been that way. I can hold a conversation with anybody, about any subject that suits them. I'm a chameleon. So much so that I never did really figure out what it is that I like talking about, or which people I'd prefer to be around. I just like being around people.
So you see? Well, you might not, but its okay, because I do. Before I can figure out what kind of man I want to be in a relationship with, I'd have to figure out what kind of woman I was going to be in said relationship. Am I going to go with someone thats on the same level as me, someone who will make me feel secure in myself, someone that I'll never have to worry about, someone that'll make me feel comfortable exactly where I am? Or am I going to go with someone who's a few steps above me? Someone who's going to make me strive to be something better? Someone who's not going to make me feel secure and comfortalbe. Can I handle not feeling secure and comfortable?
I tell people all the time that the reason I'm not in relationship is because I don't want more of the same. Why would I want to do the same shit I could've done with the last nigga, the same way the last nigga would've done it? There's nothing new about these people. Thats what I tell people. In reality, I'm not in relationship, not because I'm afraid of more of the same, simply because I'm afraid of anything different.
And thats what I realized about myself today.
You happy now Zula?
-A.
This Is A Tester Blog!
The actual blog is literary-romance.blogspot.com.
bold
italic
Just....you know....a test =]
-fact: I love navigation blogs, so, most of my blogs are navigational. Not like your average blog. Divs instead of tables.
-fact: I get all my stylesheets from blogskins.com. But I'm not using blogskins layouts really. Example. Originally, this layout that you're seeing now, looked like [this]. I use my own colors, && my own pictures.
-fact: The pictures usually come from deviantart.com
The end.
Layout "jelly beans" created 09.24.08
All Rights Reserved©®
bold
italic
Just....you know....a test =]
-fact: I love navigation blogs, so, most of my blogs are navigational. Not like your average blog. Divs instead of tables.
-fact: I get all my stylesheets from blogskins.com. But I'm not using blogskins layouts really. Example. Originally, this layout that you're seeing now, looked like [this]. I use my own colors, && my own pictures.
-fact: The pictures usually come from deviantart.com
The end.
Layout "jelly beans" created 09.24.08
All Rights Reserved©®
Evolution
16.9.08
Jay Adams. You think you blog? No. That nigga blogs. You just bullshit. Check it out, you might learn something. I'm sure I have. Not that I can put my finger on it at the moment, but I'll concede that I've probably picked up something from Jay. Oh! I know what it is. The need to have sexy ass layouts. I picked that up from Jay. I mean, my blog is a reflection of my thoughts and emotions, therefore I refuse to allow that shit to be ugly. I've got an idea for the next blog layout by the way. Its kind of....Carmine inspired. You're now wondering how I know Carmine. I don't, I just blog lurk, && his is always sexy. You'll see. =]
If I could tell you my mood right now, the closest word I could find would be nostalgic. Reminiscent maybe? Is that a word? Firefox says it is. I'm just thinking about the past year and a half, and how much I've changed, and grown, and evolved, and really come out of myself, or grown into myself, since I started blogging. When I first started blogging, I started for all the wrong reasons. Honestly? I've been blogging for a year and a half and I'm just now beginning to blog for the right reasons. I have the soul of a writer, I write to be read, and so when I wrote my blogs I was writing them for the readers, tailoring them for the digestion of the public. The way I phrased things, the topics I chose, were all so that people could better understand me. I've come to a point in my life where I've realized that the only person that needs to understand me is me. I've finally realized that the people that matter are going to love me through my dysfunction. Through the hyper blogs and the depressing blogs and the absolutely pointless blogs (Case in point: this one). && through me blogging the same blog over and over, with different words, or sometimes, even the same ones. They accept that, they accept me. && I love that.
I'm not a blog icon. I'm not Lizzy, or Jay Adams. I'm not even Ace da Vinci. I'm just Ashley. I've just been chilling at literary-romance.blogspot.com for approximately 8 months. I don't even know if anybody reads me religiously. I doubt it. I'm okay with that. There's some people that I know come to check on me. I know Elmo's always here. I know Kris is always here. I know Ace comes through occasionally. I know if Sam's got net, she's gonna come through, and therefore Danny's gonna know whats going on. I know that, and I honestly, even if I didn't know that, I'd still be okay.
However, I do wish you niggas would comment more. Hmph.
&imout.
If I could tell you my mood right now, the closest word I could find would be nostalgic. Reminiscent maybe? Is that a word? Firefox says it is. I'm just thinking about the past year and a half, and how much I've changed, and grown, and evolved, and really come out of myself, or grown into myself, since I started blogging. When I first started blogging, I started for all the wrong reasons. Honestly? I've been blogging for a year and a half and I'm just now beginning to blog for the right reasons. I have the soul of a writer, I write to be read, and so when I wrote my blogs I was writing them for the readers, tailoring them for the digestion of the public. The way I phrased things, the topics I chose, were all so that people could better understand me. I've come to a point in my life where I've realized that the only person that needs to understand me is me. I've finally realized that the people that matter are going to love me through my dysfunction. Through the hyper blogs and the depressing blogs and the absolutely pointless blogs (Case in point: this one). && through me blogging the same blog over and over, with different words, or sometimes, even the same ones. They accept that, they accept me. && I love that.
I'm not a blog icon. I'm not Lizzy, or Jay Adams. I'm not even Ace da Vinci. I'm just Ashley. I've just been chilling at literary-romance.blogspot.com for approximately 8 months. I don't even know if anybody reads me religiously. I doubt it. I'm okay with that. There's some people that I know come to check on me. I know Elmo's always here. I know Kris is always here. I know Ace comes through occasionally. I know if Sam's got net, she's gonna come through, and therefore Danny's gonna know whats going on. I know that, and I honestly, even if I didn't know that, I'd still be okay.
However, I do wish you niggas would comment more. Hmph.
&imout.
Now I'm On My Own Side. 's Better Than Being On Your Side.
13.9.08
"The walls start breathing, my mind's unweaving. Maybe its best you leave me alone. A weight is lifted on this evening; I give the final blow.
When darkness turns to light, it ends tonight, it ends tonight. Just a little insight won't make this right. Its too late too fight, it ends tonight."
My mama told me sometimes, when the devil doesn't have anything new to trap you with, he'll bring out something old, and trick you into thinking you're reliving it.
I think thats whats happening to me right now.
I sit at this table, in this really nice restaurant, on one of our few family nights out. No one's fighting. There's no tension. There's no animosity. We're all happy. Talking about what a good day we had. Talking about how hungry we were. I was so hungry. I was struggling to make conversation, I was so hungry. The smells were amazing. Every tray that passed by made my mouth water, I couldn't wait for the food to arrive. After a while they started teasing my hunger. "Ashley's gonna eat the plate and the tablecloth when she runs out of food.." We laughed, but I was contemplating. Beavers eat wood, right? Couldn't be too bad.
Then finally, the food arrived. The first time, its my absolute favorite thing in the world to eat: lemon herb grilled salmon with garlic mashed potatoes & mixed vegetables. I take a bite of everything. One bite of each portion, and find my stomach feeling unnaturally full. I laugh and joke, thinking, in a moment, the food will settle, and I'll be able to eat some more. It doesn't happen. Soon, no amount of laughin and joking can distract from my completely full plate. The check arrives, the waitress passes it to my godfather from behind me, and I just for a moment, see the total. $302.77
He sighs, puts his credit card into the folder and hands it back to the waitress. Even she feels the tension at the table now. She looks around, nervously, eyes lingering on my full plate before she scurries away. Mom tries to save me, says her mashed potatoes were too salty, and that it was probably best I hadn't eaten them all. Aunty Isha makes a joke that Goddaddy probably shouldn't have eaten it either, all those carbs won't do anything for his figure. Goddaddy retorts:
"Imagine that when my figure gets thin, my wallet does too. Yea, bet that'll get you to shut up."
The whole table is quiet. I feel tears build up in my throat, along with something else. A hot bile, an unmistakeable flavor. I bolt from my seat, run towards the bathroom, sure I collided with several people, because I can hear their shouts and the shatter of dishes behind me.
I make it to the bathroom just in time to be violently sick. I vomit until there's absolutely nothing left in me, and then I cry, until I'm dehydrated from all the fluid I've secreted so rapidly, and shaking in embarrassment and anger.
And somewhere in me, at the bottom of it all, I understand that I'm still hungry.
No one comes to get me, I recover myself. Clean myself up, return to the table. Except for when I leave the bathroom, we're at my grandmother's in San Bernadino. She's sick, about to go into surgery, but she cooked because we came to visit. The weariness is in her eyes. I smell it before I see it. My favorite: Pork Chops, Black eyed peas & Rice, with a big glass of purple kool-aid. (I'm her special baby, I've always liked the purple better than the red). I sit down to eat, thanking her for cooking for me, telling her how hungry I am. We laugh, we talk. Three bites. Thats all.
I lived these situations. And many, many more. Many worse, many more embarrasing, than these. This was my life from August 2004 to April 2007. And I thank God every day that he delivered me from it.
But now, its coming back to me, in dreams, at night. First that night at Newport Bay, than Grandma's, than the charity reunion for church, over and over, every time I step out of the bathroom and into a new nightmare. And at the end of it all, I'm still hungry.
And it bothers me. And when I wake up I cry. I cry so hard. But when I snap out of it, I walk to the kitchen, and fix myself something to eat. I eat it all, or, just until I feel better, and I say "Fuck You" with enough venom, if not enough volume, to send the shadows scattering. Then I walk back to my room, and I go to sleep smiling, and I sleep well the rest of the night.
Because my mama told me that sometimes, when the devil doesn't have anything new to trap you with, he'll bring up old things, and make you think you're reliving them. My mama told me that the Devil only comes after you when good things are coming to you. So I say keep em coming. The more madness you send my way, the brighter my skies will be when the storm is gone, so now that I've got my umbrella out, let it fucking rain. I'm good.
And I'm not hungry.
-A.
P.S. : Thanks mucho to D'Angelo, for always letting me talk, & Darian, for always making me laugh. Love yall. =]
When darkness turns to light, it ends tonight, it ends tonight. Just a little insight won't make this right. Its too late too fight, it ends tonight."
My mama told me sometimes, when the devil doesn't have anything new to trap you with, he'll bring out something old, and trick you into thinking you're reliving it.
I think thats whats happening to me right now.
I sit at this table, in this really nice restaurant, on one of our few family nights out. No one's fighting. There's no tension. There's no animosity. We're all happy. Talking about what a good day we had. Talking about how hungry we were. I was so hungry. I was struggling to make conversation, I was so hungry. The smells were amazing. Every tray that passed by made my mouth water, I couldn't wait for the food to arrive. After a while they started teasing my hunger. "Ashley's gonna eat the plate and the tablecloth when she runs out of food.." We laughed, but I was contemplating. Beavers eat wood, right? Couldn't be too bad.
Then finally, the food arrived. The first time, its my absolute favorite thing in the world to eat: lemon herb grilled salmon with garlic mashed potatoes & mixed vegetables. I take a bite of everything. One bite of each portion, and find my stomach feeling unnaturally full. I laugh and joke, thinking, in a moment, the food will settle, and I'll be able to eat some more. It doesn't happen. Soon, no amount of laughin and joking can distract from my completely full plate. The check arrives, the waitress passes it to my godfather from behind me, and I just for a moment, see the total. $302.77
He sighs, puts his credit card into the folder and hands it back to the waitress. Even she feels the tension at the table now. She looks around, nervously, eyes lingering on my full plate before she scurries away. Mom tries to save me, says her mashed potatoes were too salty, and that it was probably best I hadn't eaten them all. Aunty Isha makes a joke that Goddaddy probably shouldn't have eaten it either, all those carbs won't do anything for his figure. Goddaddy retorts:
"Imagine that when my figure gets thin, my wallet does too. Yea, bet that'll get you to shut up."
The whole table is quiet. I feel tears build up in my throat, along with something else. A hot bile, an unmistakeable flavor. I bolt from my seat, run towards the bathroom, sure I collided with several people, because I can hear their shouts and the shatter of dishes behind me.
I make it to the bathroom just in time to be violently sick. I vomit until there's absolutely nothing left in me, and then I cry, until I'm dehydrated from all the fluid I've secreted so rapidly, and shaking in embarrassment and anger.
And somewhere in me, at the bottom of it all, I understand that I'm still hungry.
No one comes to get me, I recover myself. Clean myself up, return to the table. Except for when I leave the bathroom, we're at my grandmother's in San Bernadino. She's sick, about to go into surgery, but she cooked because we came to visit. The weariness is in her eyes. I smell it before I see it. My favorite: Pork Chops, Black eyed peas & Rice, with a big glass of purple kool-aid. (I'm her special baby, I've always liked the purple better than the red). I sit down to eat, thanking her for cooking for me, telling her how hungry I am. We laugh, we talk. Three bites. Thats all.
I lived these situations. And many, many more. Many worse, many more embarrasing, than these. This was my life from August 2004 to April 2007. And I thank God every day that he delivered me from it.
But now, its coming back to me, in dreams, at night. First that night at Newport Bay, than Grandma's, than the charity reunion for church, over and over, every time I step out of the bathroom and into a new nightmare. And at the end of it all, I'm still hungry.
And it bothers me. And when I wake up I cry. I cry so hard. But when I snap out of it, I walk to the kitchen, and fix myself something to eat. I eat it all, or, just until I feel better, and I say "Fuck You" with enough venom, if not enough volume, to send the shadows scattering. Then I walk back to my room, and I go to sleep smiling, and I sleep well the rest of the night.
Because my mama told me that sometimes, when the devil doesn't have anything new to trap you with, he'll bring up old things, and make you think you're reliving them. My mama told me that the Devil only comes after you when good things are coming to you. So I say keep em coming. The more madness you send my way, the brighter my skies will be when the storm is gone, so now that I've got my umbrella out, let it fucking rain. I'm good.
And I'm not hungry.
-A.
P.S. : Thanks mucho to D'Angelo, for always letting me talk, & Darian, for always making me laugh. Love yall. =]
Night School....
....has ruined my sleeping pattern.
Its 5:23 in the morning. Now, if I had school, that'd be perfectly acceptable, because I don't have to be there till four. I could go to sleep at 6, wake up at 1, psh, thats seven hours of sleep, people wish they got that much sleep in the world today. However, tomorrow I have work - Thats an entirely different can of worms, seeing as I'm very, very, very seriously considering putting in my two weeks tomorrow - and I have to be up for work in two hours, and out of the house in 3. Plus side? With the way things have been going recently, I'll probably only be at work for 3 hours. No wait, stop. Lets think about this. Really, lets think about it. I'll get up at 7:30, leave @ 8:30, be on the bus from 8:40-9:50, clock on a 10 && be there till one. It'll then take me between an hour & an hour & a half to get home, so i'll get back home between 2 && 2:30. Stop! Cus if you calculate that correctly *counts on fingers* seven thirty to ten is 2.5 hrs isn't it? plus the 1.5 max it'll take me to get there? Yes, children thats correct. It'll take me longer to get to && from work, then I'll actually be at work. I make 7.95 an hour. 8x3 is 24 minus .15 so in net pay i'll make 23.85 tomorrow (this is all theoretical, I'm actually half asleep right now). After taxes that'll come up to something like 17.05. IMADOALLTHISSHITFORSEVENTEENFUCKINGDOLLARS. man. && this is my only day on the schedule. The only one! Yo. Like. I haven't worked since last saturday. I'm not going to work again until this friday (MAYBE). I KNOW I'm not working until at LEAST next Friday. Keep in mind that I'm still the only person in this house with a job, you tell me the fuck I'm supposed to do with seventeen dollars. These people make me fucking sick yo. I know I kinda randomly fell into this but I really need to let it go.
yes, I'm a sensitive person but these assholes hurt my fucking feelings. I pride myself at being damn good at shit I decide to do. So you tell me why the fuck this new manager comes in and decides he's going to pick on all the shit I decide to do? ALLOFIT. No matter what it is, or how many other people do it, he picks on me. I'm trying really, really, really hard to not think this is racially motiviated (I am, however, the only black person that works there) I mean, I want to believe the best in people, so I'd rather just think my GM's an asshole, not a racist asshole, cus thats just too much.
I'm gonna hate myself for typing this when I'm fully awake cus its a gramatical nightmare. Not that yall give a shit about grammar anyway. Yall use words that don't fucking exist. With the exception of Jay Adams. Jay Adams uses fucking punctuation. That nigga knows proper semicolon usage && shit, its beautiful. Don't ask me how I wandered off there. Now you see what people who actually talk to me have to deal with, this is what I do, people. This is actually what I do.
Back to what I was fucking saying. I'm considering putting in my two weeks. I told a coworker (Chase, who really no longer counts as 'a coworker' thats my Chaseface [justfriends]) that I was putting in my two weeks today because they FUCKINGPISSMEOFF! man. I just don't wanna quit till I have another job. I've gotten used to my money && shit. I'm tryna make plans. Going to LA in October. I need a new laptop battery. I'm tryna save for my braces. lol fuck my car. Our medical does not cover anything orthodontic. OMGSH @ THATS ACTUALLY A WORD THAT I SPELLED CORRECTLY. But you know, braces type shit. They cover none of it. Its despicable. So I'm going to have to pay for my own braces cus, pshka, I'm the only one with a job.
So i'm in a shitty position cus I can't afford to quit the job I'm at, but I can't afford to stay either. MAN! WORKING FUCKING SUCKS. Okay, if I'm going to continue this blog, I'ma need to start typing like I have some sense, cus I'm pissing myself off right now.
Don't read this. I mean, you're fucked at this point, cus...you've read all the way down here, but like....if for some reason you're skimming the blog before you decide to read it, catch this part, don't read this. I'ma highlight the word don't. You really don't even need to do it. When I start using Caps lock excessively, thats when you need to be ignoring me, cus I hate caps lock, actually. It drives me fucking insane. Like, what, over the internet, could you possibly need to say that involves you hitting that fucking button. You're letters being bigger is not going to make me respond faster. If anything I'ma sit there longer wondering what possessed you to think getting loud with me was gonna make me agree with you more. Like shit, turn your font size down, please.
I'm done with that little rant. So basically: Night school fucked up my sleeping pattern so when I go to work in a couple hours I'll be fucked and not really paying attention which sucks because it could very possibly be the day that I put in my two weeks notice so I don't wanna be seen acting like a fucking idiot, even though it'd be what they get for stressing me out the way they have. That was the purpose of me writing this blog.
I wrote another blog last night (tee hee, circa 7 hrs ago) about some other shit that I was pissed off about, but I'm not even mad at that anymore. You can read that though, if it floats your boat. Its prettier, and much easier to follow than this blog here. This blog here is bullshit. I'm rambling. Like majorly. I think you figured that out though. You're smart that way.
Saddest thing I just realized. The other blog? I posted it at 9:46. Its now 5:41. Nigga. I have been laying in bed on my damn computer doing absolutely nothing for 8 hours. Thats longer than I'm at school. Thats longer than I've ever been at work. Thats longer than some of my whole days. If I'd have gone to sleep right after I posted that blog, and woke up now, I would've gotten a full 8 hrs sleep. Like. Man. Thats just amazing to me. The way I just waste time like its nothing.
Okay. Hella done talking. Drifting away. I'ma take a catnap before my mom starts screaming at me.
Wish me luck && shit.
-A.
Its 5:23 in the morning. Now, if I had school, that'd be perfectly acceptable, because I don't have to be there till four. I could go to sleep at 6, wake up at 1, psh, thats seven hours of sleep, people wish they got that much sleep in the world today. However, tomorrow I have work - Thats an entirely different can of worms, seeing as I'm very, very, very seriously considering putting in my two weeks tomorrow - and I have to be up for work in two hours, and out of the house in 3. Plus side? With the way things have been going recently, I'll probably only be at work for 3 hours. No wait, stop. Lets think about this. Really, lets think about it. I'll get up at 7:30, leave @ 8:30, be on the bus from 8:40-9:50, clock on a 10 && be there till one. It'll then take me between an hour & an hour & a half to get home, so i'll get back home between 2 && 2:30. Stop! Cus if you calculate that correctly *counts on fingers* seven thirty to ten is 2.5 hrs isn't it? plus the 1.5 max it'll take me to get there? Yes, children thats correct. It'll take me longer to get to && from work, then I'll actually be at work. I make 7.95 an hour. 8x3 is 24 minus .15 so in net pay i'll make 23.85 tomorrow (this is all theoretical, I'm actually half asleep right now). After taxes that'll come up to something like 17.05. IMADOALLTHISSHITFORSEVENTEENFUCKINGDOLLARS. man. && this is my only day on the schedule. The only one! Yo. Like. I haven't worked since last saturday. I'm not going to work again until this friday (MAYBE). I KNOW I'm not working until at LEAST next Friday. Keep in mind that I'm still the only person in this house with a job, you tell me the fuck I'm supposed to do with seventeen dollars. These people make me fucking sick yo. I know I kinda randomly fell into this but I really need to let it go.
yes, I'm a sensitive person but these assholes hurt my fucking feelings. I pride myself at being damn good at shit I decide to do. So you tell me why the fuck this new manager comes in and decides he's going to pick on all the shit I decide to do? ALLOFIT. No matter what it is, or how many other people do it, he picks on me. I'm trying really, really, really hard to not think this is racially motiviated (I am, however, the only black person that works there) I mean, I want to believe the best in people, so I'd rather just think my GM's an asshole, not a racist asshole, cus thats just too much.
I'm gonna hate myself for typing this when I'm fully awake cus its a gramatical nightmare. Not that yall give a shit about grammar anyway. Yall use words that don't fucking exist. With the exception of Jay Adams. Jay Adams uses fucking punctuation. That nigga knows proper semicolon usage && shit, its beautiful. Don't ask me how I wandered off there. Now you see what people who actually talk to me have to deal with, this is what I do, people. This is actually what I do.
Back to what I was fucking saying. I'm considering putting in my two weeks. I told a coworker (Chase, who really no longer counts as 'a coworker' thats my Chaseface [justfriends]) that I was putting in my two weeks today because they FUCKINGPISSMEOFF! man. I just don't wanna quit till I have another job. I've gotten used to my money && shit. I'm tryna make plans. Going to LA in October. I need a new laptop battery. I'm tryna save for my braces. lol fuck my car. Our medical does not cover anything orthodontic. OMGSH @ THATS ACTUALLY A WORD THAT I SPELLED CORRECTLY. But you know, braces type shit. They cover none of it. Its despicable. So I'm going to have to pay for my own braces cus, pshka, I'm the only one with a job.
So i'm in a shitty position cus I can't afford to quit the job I'm at, but I can't afford to stay either. MAN! WORKING FUCKING SUCKS. Okay, if I'm going to continue this blog, I'ma need to start typing like I have some sense, cus I'm pissing myself off right now.
Don't read this. I mean, you're fucked at this point, cus...you've read all the way down here, but like....if for some reason you're skimming the blog before you decide to read it, catch this part, don't read this. I'ma highlight the word don't. You really don't even need to do it. When I start using Caps lock excessively, thats when you need to be ignoring me, cus I hate caps lock, actually. It drives me fucking insane. Like, what, over the internet, could you possibly need to say that involves you hitting that fucking button. You're letters being bigger is not going to make me respond faster. If anything I'ma sit there longer wondering what possessed you to think getting loud with me was gonna make me agree with you more. Like shit, turn your font size down, please.
I'm done with that little rant. So basically: Night school fucked up my sleeping pattern so when I go to work in a couple hours I'll be fucked and not really paying attention which sucks because it could very possibly be the day that I put in my two weeks notice so I don't wanna be seen acting like a fucking idiot, even though it'd be what they get for stressing me out the way they have. That was the purpose of me writing this blog.
I wrote another blog last night (tee hee, circa 7 hrs ago) about some other shit that I was pissed off about, but I'm not even mad at that anymore. You can read that though, if it floats your boat. Its prettier, and much easier to follow than this blog here. This blog here is bullshit. I'm rambling. Like majorly. I think you figured that out though. You're smart that way.
Saddest thing I just realized. The other blog? I posted it at 9:46. Its now 5:41. Nigga. I have been laying in bed on my damn computer doing absolutely nothing for 8 hours. Thats longer than I'm at school. Thats longer than I've ever been at work. Thats longer than some of my whole days. If I'd have gone to sleep right after I posted that blog, and woke up now, I would've gotten a full 8 hrs sleep. Like. Man. Thats just amazing to me. The way I just waste time like its nothing.
Okay. Hella done talking. Drifting away. I'ma take a catnap before my mom starts screaming at me.
Wish me luck && shit.
-A.
Yesterday
12.9.08
text message received:
I'm gonna have this girl who I like over, but she's all lovey dovey relationship like, do girls like that like being asked out all cute or just plain and simple?
Its no secret that I'm good at relationships. Not at having them, perse, so much as helping you to have them. Yea, you, the person reading this right now. One of two things is going through your mind right now. A: you know what I mean, you know I'm right, && you know whats coming next. B: You think I'm talking out the side of my ass, in which case, wait till you have a problem with your shit, then come see about me. Like I was saying, blessing and a curse. It honestly makes me feel really good to be able to say, heyy, I helped out, you know? Or just to be there to listen to someone when they need to vent. It makes me feel better to help people, even if its in the smallest way. But after a minute, you'll have to excuse me for wondering what the hell is wrong with me, that I can match-make, preserve, and maintain your shit, and all the while be lonely as hell and miserable?
Lets get something clear, I am not desperate. I'm not afraid of being by myself, I do not have self esteem issues. At least, not in this regard. When it comes to this, I just know. I've always been this way. I'm happier in a relationship. I'm happier as a part of a couple. I'm just happier that way. I can honestly say I was built to be a wifey. I was. Its just how I operate. I'm not so much of an "upgrade" as Beyonce put it, as I am just a supporter. I know how to make a man feel like a man, and which road to take to turn an argument into a compromise.
You wanna know how I know I know how to do these things? Cus last time you && your boo had a relationship snag, I told you how to do it. Those who can't do, teach? I'm honestly hoping thats not the case, cus I teach damn well, so....that doesn't say good things about my future love life.
Maybe I just think about it too much. Its possible. But I mean, thee fuck else am I supposed to think about when everybody around me is all hopelessly in love && I'm forced to sit there and watch. And then, even better, participate in the smooth operation of another couples relationship. Bottom line: I'm not helping you with your shit anymore, it depresses me.
I'm lying. lol.
But, even though I know yall forget on a regular basis, I'm 17 years old. I'm a teenager. Hormones are raging && shit. My brain actually doesn't think about much else besides boys. And the occasional girl. Thats what it was built to do. I'm supposed to draw my first name attached to "his" last && circle it with a heart. While I've never actually done that - the name thing, yes. The heart thing? Fuck outta here - I know far too many people that have, and there's enough people that have to make me accept that its typical behavior.
Shit! I pick this, out of all aspects in life, in which to be typical. Shame on me.
Any fucking ways. I took pictures. There on myspace. the link to which is in the profile section of this blog, which you can access by pressing the big shiny button that says profile. If you'll excuse me.
-A.
I'm gonna have this girl who I like over, but she's all lovey dovey relationship like, do girls like that like being asked out all cute or just plain and simple?
Its no secret that I'm good at relationships. Not at having them, perse, so much as helping you to have them. Yea, you, the person reading this right now. One of two things is going through your mind right now. A: you know what I mean, you know I'm right, && you know whats coming next. B: You think I'm talking out the side of my ass, in which case, wait till you have a problem with your shit, then come see about me. Like I was saying, blessing and a curse. It honestly makes me feel really good to be able to say, heyy, I helped out, you know? Or just to be there to listen to someone when they need to vent. It makes me feel better to help people, even if its in the smallest way. But after a minute, you'll have to excuse me for wondering what the hell is wrong with me, that I can match-make, preserve, and maintain your shit, and all the while be lonely as hell and miserable?
Lets get something clear, I am not desperate. I'm not afraid of being by myself, I do not have self esteem issues. At least, not in this regard. When it comes to this, I just know. I've always been this way. I'm happier in a relationship. I'm happier as a part of a couple. I'm just happier that way. I can honestly say I was built to be a wifey. I was. Its just how I operate. I'm not so much of an "upgrade" as Beyonce put it, as I am just a supporter. I know how to make a man feel like a man, and which road to take to turn an argument into a compromise.
You wanna know how I know I know how to do these things? Cus last time you && your boo had a relationship snag, I told you how to do it. Those who can't do, teach? I'm honestly hoping thats not the case, cus I teach damn well, so....that doesn't say good things about my future love life.
Maybe I just think about it too much. Its possible. But I mean, thee fuck else am I supposed to think about when everybody around me is all hopelessly in love && I'm forced to sit there and watch. And then, even better, participate in the smooth operation of another couples relationship. Bottom line: I'm not helping you with your shit anymore, it depresses me.
I'm lying. lol.
But, even though I know yall forget on a regular basis, I'm 17 years old. I'm a teenager. Hormones are raging && shit. My brain actually doesn't think about much else besides boys. And the occasional girl. Thats what it was built to do. I'm supposed to draw my first name attached to "his" last && circle it with a heart. While I've never actually done that - the name thing, yes. The heart thing? Fuck outta here - I know far too many people that have, and there's enough people that have to make me accept that its typical behavior.
Shit! I pick this, out of all aspects in life, in which to be typical. Shame on me.
Any fucking ways. I took pictures. There on myspace. the link to which is in the profile section of this blog, which you can access by pressing the big shiny button that says profile. If you'll excuse me.
-A.
Shuffle
9.9.08
Its so weird, putting my iTunes on shuffle, and falling in love with music all over again. I should do this so much more often than I do.
I did a bad thing today. I completely did not feel like calling to make my hair appt, so I made Jill do it for me. Lol! We used to do shit like that all the time in LA. We'd have days where we'd just swap phones, && make all each others calls, && take all each others calls. Its bomb having a secretary, && its not so bad being one either. lol.
"Jill Ballestero's phone, may I ask who's calling?"
I miss that kid.
Everything.m4p
&& How can I stand here with you && not be moved by you?
I'm in love with this song on so many levels. I love the unintentional gospel aspect of it. Like, its not purposefully gospel, but listen to it. Man.
I'm just kind of rambling. I was gonna watch saw, but the opening scene damn near made me sick. If you're a man, be grateful that you're a man, and you have man parts. If you're a woman, you know what I mean.
Bruce called me a few minutes ago. It was weird. It was. I mean. Twas whatever. I'm not even opening this door for him anymore. We can be cool. I've known him too long and we know each other too well to just shut the door entirely, && honestly, nobody understands us, but us, so I'm not really trying to explain it, its just.....yea.
It Just Ain't Right.m4p
Damn its been somethin like three years since we came to an end, goodness I didn't realize its been that long...
Funny timing, that song has.
Tonight I was reminiscing on American Juniors. lol, did I tell yall I was on American Juniors? Twas fun. I didn't make it passed auditions, but that was a hella fun two days.
I think I'm done talking. This was kinda random. Blame it on......blood loss? lol I always say too much. But its like 11:30, && I still wanna clean up a little before I go to bed, && i've gotta be up in the morning for my hair thing. So, night people.
Tell me the truth, could we still be in love?
-A.
I did a bad thing today. I completely did not feel like calling to make my hair appt, so I made Jill do it for me. Lol! We used to do shit like that all the time in LA. We'd have days where we'd just swap phones, && make all each others calls, && take all each others calls. Its bomb having a secretary, && its not so bad being one either. lol.
"Jill Ballestero's phone, may I ask who's calling?"
I miss that kid.
Everything.m4p
&& How can I stand here with you && not be moved by you?
I'm in love with this song on so many levels. I love the unintentional gospel aspect of it. Like, its not purposefully gospel, but listen to it. Man.
I'm just kind of rambling. I was gonna watch saw, but the opening scene damn near made me sick. If you're a man, be grateful that you're a man, and you have man parts. If you're a woman, you know what I mean.
Bruce called me a few minutes ago. It was weird. It was. I mean. Twas whatever. I'm not even opening this door for him anymore. We can be cool. I've known him too long and we know each other too well to just shut the door entirely, && honestly, nobody understands us, but us, so I'm not really trying to explain it, its just.....yea.
It Just Ain't Right.m4p
Damn its been somethin like three years since we came to an end, goodness I didn't realize its been that long...
Funny timing, that song has.
Tonight I was reminiscing on American Juniors. lol, did I tell yall I was on American Juniors? Twas fun. I didn't make it passed auditions, but that was a hella fun two days.
I think I'm done talking. This was kinda random. Blame it on......blood loss? lol I always say too much. But its like 11:30, && I still wanna clean up a little before I go to bed, && i've gotta be up in the morning for my hair thing. So, night people.
Tell me the truth, could we still be in love?
-A.
Alexander
7.9.08
1) The blog is an absolute work of complete and total, undisputed beauty. Zula says the eye scares her. I don't give a flying fuck. -cackles like the Wicked Witch of the West I'm so fucking happy. Jay helped me. Thanks bew!
=| cannot believe I just spelled boo like that. Yall fucking bloggers yo, you're rubbing off on me with you're accents && made up words && shit. Fuckallthat. Anyways.
2) I'm very big on names. I don't know why. But the syllabic structure of a person's full name makes me very very happy. My name's Ashley Pearl Bennett. Individually, the names are pretty basic, but all together, the name rolls of the tongue pretty well, && the Pearl throws in a bit of the old fashioned classiness that I'd like to think I have. Anyway, when I've talked to people for an extended period of time, I tend to ask their middle names. Just to see if it sounds right. I won't post anybody who might be reading this, but just to name a few: Jasmine Nicole Manglinong, Whitney Simone Thomas, Cynthia Monique Garcia, Edan James Koch (its German, and pronounced Cook. You guys need something to do.) && just recently, Chase Alexander McCartney. His name makes me so happy, lol, its syllabically perfect. Yes firefox, I know syllabically is not a word, but whatever. I like it.
3) I start school tomorrow. Blah.
4) Tomorrow I find out when I'm going to LA. No longer a question of if I'm going, but when && for how long. I've already got parties && shit lined up. I'm an animal. lol.
5) Took mom out today. We went to see Death Race (this is my 2.5th time seeing that movie) && then we went to iHop. Spent too much money, but whatever, its my moms. We had fun.
6) Did I tell yall bout her boyfriend? I'm just mad the nigga can't be cute. As fucking sexy as my mom is. I mean damn.
7) Most people do bullets, watchu know about numbers though, my nigga?!
8) Movie marathon coming up. I'm thinking: Life or Something Like It, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Saw 2 (which just happens to be my favorite) && some other movie where people die horribly.
9) I know my periods coming because I'm in the mood to watch terribly gory horror movies. I always like those on my period, seeing other people bleed from awkward places makes me feel better.
Too much? LMFAO. don't ask me why I type the shit I type, cus I honestly don't know.
-A.
=| cannot believe I just spelled boo like that. Yall fucking bloggers yo, you're rubbing off on me with you're accents && made up words && shit. Fuckallthat. Anyways.
2) I'm very big on names. I don't know why. But the syllabic structure of a person's full name makes me very very happy. My name's Ashley Pearl Bennett. Individually, the names are pretty basic, but all together, the name rolls of the tongue pretty well, && the Pearl throws in a bit of the old fashioned classiness that I'd like to think I have. Anyway, when I've talked to people for an extended period of time, I tend to ask their middle names. Just to see if it sounds right. I won't post anybody who might be reading this, but just to name a few: Jasmine Nicole Manglinong, Whitney Simone Thomas, Cynthia Monique Garcia, Edan James Koch (its German, and pronounced Cook. You guys need something to do.) && just recently, Chase Alexander McCartney. His name makes me so happy, lol, its syllabically perfect. Yes firefox, I know syllabically is not a word, but whatever. I like it.
3) I start school tomorrow. Blah.
4) Tomorrow I find out when I'm going to LA. No longer a question of if I'm going, but when && for how long. I've already got parties && shit lined up. I'm an animal. lol.
5) Took mom out today. We went to see Death Race (this is my 2.5th time seeing that movie) && then we went to iHop. Spent too much money, but whatever, its my moms. We had fun.
6) Did I tell yall bout her boyfriend? I'm just mad the nigga can't be cute. As fucking sexy as my mom is. I mean damn.
7) Most people do bullets, watchu know about numbers though, my nigga?!
8) Movie marathon coming up. I'm thinking: Life or Something Like It, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Saw 2 (which just happens to be my favorite) && some other movie where people die horribly.
9) I know my periods coming because I'm in the mood to watch terribly gory horror movies. I always like those on my period, seeing other people bleed from awkward places makes me feel better.
Too much? LMFAO. don't ask me why I type the shit I type, cus I honestly don't know.
-A.
Do you have the time to stay for life?
5.9.08
First & Foremost....
Like duh, people.
treatyougood.m4p
"She fancied herself in love with almost every man she met, for varying amounts of time. Those amounts of time depending on the range of their likability counted against the range of her loneliness. She also fancied almost every man she met in love with her. Presumptuous, one might think, but then they'd see the shock and disbelief she experienced when someone did like her, and change their minds immediately. She was in desperate need, but of what she didn't quite know. If she knew, she told herself, if she could figure it out, she'd get it, and it'd be done. However, figuring it out was the hardest part, because the answer to everything seemed to be love, and she was smart enough to know that it couldn't be that easy. If it was, why on Earth was it so hard?
She credited many a heartbreak to loneliness. A vicious cycle it was: loneliness would break her heart until she felt she had to tangle herself up in a relationship, that only served to break her heart all over again. And so went, one man after another, until she'd convinced herself that it had to be men, because she'd tried everything. And so it went again, one woman after the other, and so on and so forth, until now.
Now, not in the sense of this very moment, but this time and space in her life. Now, she realizes that the key to love is love. That loving another is impossible without an overwhelming love for oneself. Its harder than you'd think, coming to terms with the fact that you don't love yourself as much as you should. Harder than you'd think, to admit that to other people. The hard things, however, have always been the best things for her. The harder it was, the more she got from it. So now -not in the sense of this very moment, but this time and space in her life - she's bearing down, preparing for the cold winter, the loneliness, the heartbreak, and the phoenix from the ashes."
I'd write a novel if I could get everything I write to stop sounding so bloody autobiographical.
I'm done. =]
-A.
//edit// I was really tryna feel Terrance Howard && his singing, but its not happening. I'm SORRY! [ looka ]
Like duh, people.
treatyougood.m4p
"She fancied herself in love with almost every man she met, for varying amounts of time. Those amounts of time depending on the range of their likability counted against the range of her loneliness. She also fancied almost every man she met in love with her. Presumptuous, one might think, but then they'd see the shock and disbelief she experienced when someone did like her, and change their minds immediately. She was in desperate need, but of what she didn't quite know. If she knew, she told herself, if she could figure it out, she'd get it, and it'd be done. However, figuring it out was the hardest part, because the answer to everything seemed to be love, and she was smart enough to know that it couldn't be that easy. If it was, why on Earth was it so hard?
She credited many a heartbreak to loneliness. A vicious cycle it was: loneliness would break her heart until she felt she had to tangle herself up in a relationship, that only served to break her heart all over again. And so went, one man after another, until she'd convinced herself that it had to be men, because she'd tried everything. And so it went again, one woman after the other, and so on and so forth, until now.
Now, not in the sense of this very moment, but this time and space in her life. Now, she realizes that the key to love is love. That loving another is impossible without an overwhelming love for oneself. Its harder than you'd think, coming to terms with the fact that you don't love yourself as much as you should. Harder than you'd think, to admit that to other people. The hard things, however, have always been the best things for her. The harder it was, the more she got from it. So now -not in the sense of this very moment, but this time and space in her life - she's bearing down, preparing for the cold winter, the loneliness, the heartbreak, and the phoenix from the ashes."
I'd write a novel if I could get everything I write to stop sounding so bloody autobiographical.
I'm done. =]
-A.
//edit// I was really tryna feel Terrance Howard && his singing, but its not happening. I'm SORRY! [ looka ]
I honestly don't even know
4.9.08
Came back early. Mom's was trippin. Says I can't go to Alyssea's anymore, cus of all the niggas that be there and how she know Lyse likes to party && stuff. Not even true. But I know what she means, I mean, it do be a whole lot of different niggas at her house && it is always some weed, or hooka, or alcohol or [on good days] all three, in that bitch. But its never like the situation moms thinks it is. We hella just be sittin there. Last night? Woah. Let me tell you. Last night, we was up till....man, okay. So, I went to sleep at 3:30. We was sittin there doing not a damn thing. Like, the xbox wasn't on. We was just listenin to music. Lyse was braidin Tabe hair. Des was smokin a black. Quick was playin DJ. We was all just sittin there. Lyse wanted Des && Quick to do the dishes so she could cook. && it hella ain't feel as late as it was. I went to bed at 3:30. Woke up at 5 cus Quick had got in bed with me. This nigga play too much, I ain't get back to sleep till seven fucking thirty. But we didn't do anything, feel me? Like.....iono.
I understand where moms is coming from though, especially with my school situation. Like, I haven't really shown her that I deserve all the freedom that I have, so I'ma roll with her on this one. I'll respect her decision && not act an ass about it.
In other news. You know how I was worried about having to quit my job? Now these pieces of shit tryna fire me. Let me tell you. Cus like, we got a new general manager a couple months back, && this individual hates me. Like, honest to goodness, he does not like me. Everytime he sees me he's telling me I'm doing something wrong. && at first I was like, "well maybe he's just pushing us all to be better," you know, or some shit like that. But its not everyone, its just me. He insults me in front of my customers, calls me clumsy, and forgetful, which I'm not in any way, shape or form. He's just fucking irritating. I would've quit, but I really do love my job && i'm not bout to let some asshole run me out cus he has problems with me. I'm stubborn that way. Anyway, last Saturday, Me, Chase, && Keely are sitting around talking, && he walks by like, you guys should be doing something, so we do or whatever. On Tuesday, an assistant manager Jenni, gives me a write up slip, like Mr. Atchley wrote you up on Saturday. I'm like, for fucking what? Cus everybody talks when we don't have anything to do. But whatever. Ok. Jenni's like, "We're only doing one write up now, && then its employee counseling" [employee counseling being their fancy term for your exit interview]. So i'm like, alright. Come to find out, that even though there were three of us talking, even the write up slip says there were three of us talking, I'm the only one that got written up. Alright. I see you Mr. Atchley. I'ma lynch him, swear to God. But no, what I'ma do is just do what he says. I'm not so stubborn that I'ma lose my job off some bullshit, and if I do leave, I'm sure as hell not getting fired. I do not need that shit in my life right now. I'll put in my two weeks like a normal person. But I'm just really uncomfortable with the fact that he hates me. I don't like it when people don't like me. I really don't.
Other than that there's honestly nothing going on in my life right now. I feel kinda weird cus this is the first day in like 6 days that I haven't talked to Chase. I would text him, but I kinda don't wanna cus you know like, I'm not tryna look like I need to talk to him. I'll see him tomorrow.
I love how early the house shuts down once school starts. I got home at 9:33, everybody was knocked. Insane.
Anyway, I'll get at yall tomorrow most likely.
-A.
I understand where moms is coming from though, especially with my school situation. Like, I haven't really shown her that I deserve all the freedom that I have, so I'ma roll with her on this one. I'll respect her decision && not act an ass about it.
In other news. You know how I was worried about having to quit my job? Now these pieces of shit tryna fire me. Let me tell you. Cus like, we got a new general manager a couple months back, && this individual hates me. Like, honest to goodness, he does not like me. Everytime he sees me he's telling me I'm doing something wrong. && at first I was like, "well maybe he's just pushing us all to be better," you know, or some shit like that. But its not everyone, its just me. He insults me in front of my customers, calls me clumsy, and forgetful, which I'm not in any way, shape or form. He's just fucking irritating. I would've quit, but I really do love my job && i'm not bout to let some asshole run me out cus he has problems with me. I'm stubborn that way. Anyway, last Saturday, Me, Chase, && Keely are sitting around talking, && he walks by like, you guys should be doing something, so we do or whatever. On Tuesday, an assistant manager Jenni, gives me a write up slip, like Mr. Atchley wrote you up on Saturday. I'm like, for fucking what? Cus everybody talks when we don't have anything to do. But whatever. Ok. Jenni's like, "We're only doing one write up now, && then its employee counseling" [employee counseling being their fancy term for your exit interview]. So i'm like, alright. Come to find out, that even though there were three of us talking, even the write up slip says there were three of us talking, I'm the only one that got written up. Alright. I see you Mr. Atchley. I'ma lynch him, swear to God. But no, what I'ma do is just do what he says. I'm not so stubborn that I'ma lose my job off some bullshit, and if I do leave, I'm sure as hell not getting fired. I do not need that shit in my life right now. I'll put in my two weeks like a normal person. But I'm just really uncomfortable with the fact that he hates me. I don't like it when people don't like me. I really don't.
Other than that there's honestly nothing going on in my life right now. I feel kinda weird cus this is the first day in like 6 days that I haven't talked to Chase. I would text him, but I kinda don't wanna cus you know like, I'm not tryna look like I need to talk to him. I'll see him tomorrow.
I love how early the house shuts down once school starts. I got home at 9:33, everybody was knocked. Insane.
Anyway, I'll get at yall tomorrow most likely.
-A.
How do you spell indecisive?
2.9.08
Indecisive? Mad i spelled it right on the first try. I spelled it undecisive for the freaking longest. Then my dyslexia kicked in && i was fuckin all the letters up. Undesicive? Undevicsive? The fuck? Yea. This is one of those moments I'm real glad firefox has spell check.
In other news, I was in love with this layout while I was creating it, then I looked at it...&& now i'm like..ehh. I might redo it. That'd be the third time in like....ever. I was looking at the pictures on Lizzy's blog. I think I might steal one && make it a banner. Yes, I would do that shit. AND make it bomb. What now?
I'm In Love With Another Man, my youtube video, has 2300 views. Or some number close to there. I know thats not a lot, but its more than I've ever gotten, so I'm kind of pleased with it. Like it kinda makes me want to do something to follow it up. I think I'll do God Bless The Child. That'd be so bomb. Okay, but uhm, back to the blog.
I have absolutely nothing to say. I'm blogging cus tomorrow I'm going to Alyssea's && I hella won't be back till next Monday night if I can get away with it so I feel like I need to leave yall with something.
Oh yea && Chase? He likes me. lol. I've decided that he does, even though I'm still not sure. I don't believe in men just being altruistically friendly though. That "oh maybe he's just nice" stuff? bullshit. Whatever though. Iono if I wanna corrupt him. He's all young && innocent. Let me stop talking.
I'm on a Billie Holiday kick. Man! I'm just thinking! Like if I was to describe myself, that would be the weirdest fucking combination! Alejandro Jodorowsky movies && Bille Holiday songs, Air Forces && Big Earrings. Lmfao thats me. All day. I think I'm gonna start typing long ass blogs like a black person. Can you imagine? Like:
H3y y@ll, w@ts b33n up w!t u?
LMFAO. Can't take it. Laughing so hard. Omfgsh. Let me take this trash out && go to sleep. Tomorrow's gonna be bomb. I can feel it.
Night
-A.
In other news, I was in love with this layout while I was creating it, then I looked at it...&& now i'm like..ehh. I might redo it. That'd be the third time in like....ever. I was looking at the pictures on Lizzy's blog. I think I might steal one && make it a banner. Yes, I would do that shit. AND make it bomb. What now?
I'm In Love With Another Man, my youtube video, has 2300 views. Or some number close to there. I know thats not a lot, but its more than I've ever gotten, so I'm kind of pleased with it. Like it kinda makes me want to do something to follow it up. I think I'll do God Bless The Child. That'd be so bomb. Okay, but uhm, back to the blog.
I have absolutely nothing to say. I'm blogging cus tomorrow I'm going to Alyssea's && I hella won't be back till next Monday night if I can get away with it so I feel like I need to leave yall with something.
Oh yea && Chase? He likes me. lol. I've decided that he does, even though I'm still not sure. I don't believe in men just being altruistically friendly though. That "oh maybe he's just nice" stuff? bullshit. Whatever though. Iono if I wanna corrupt him. He's all young && innocent. Let me stop talking.
I'm on a Billie Holiday kick. Man! I'm just thinking! Like if I was to describe myself, that would be the weirdest fucking combination! Alejandro Jodorowsky movies && Bille Holiday songs, Air Forces && Big Earrings. Lmfao thats me. All day. I think I'm gonna start typing long ass blogs like a black person. Can you imagine? Like:
H3y y@ll, w@ts b33n up w!t u?
LMFAO. Can't take it. Laughing so hard. Omfgsh. Let me take this trash out && go to sleep. Tomorrow's gonna be bomb. I can feel it.
Night
-A.
