Ehh @ blogging in the morning. Its always felt so wrong to me. Like why would you blog, before anythings happened? Fuckin backwards. But whatever. This is gonna be a long one. Get some popcorn, go pee or something.

Today's my little sisters birthday. She's turning 13. And honestly, I can't even be happy for her. My mom, who never has any money for oh, lets say, bills, or uhm...her medication maybe? Dropped over 100 dollars in the mall yesterday buying last minute shit for Ree's Birthday. She's having a birthday party. They bought hella irritatingly bright colored streamers && table cloths && plates with matching utensils && shit. Pretty sure Aunty Isha got her the DS + game. She got hella clothes, & acsessories or however the hell you spell that word. & I'm not mad at her. I swear, cus its not her fault. I'm mad at the situation.

Cus see, if you flash back to my birthday, you'll remember. Nah, lemme tell yall exactly what I got. I got $200. cash. It got put on my credit card. Me & My mom went to breakfast, like we have every birthday since I was 8. & then we decorated the gotdamn christmas tree. And then I just went to sleep cus I was depressed. Now but wait! Cus you wanna know where I spent that 200? I spent 50 of it taking annmarie to the movies, cus "she was bored, and she doesn't know how to be bored quietly so Ashley, please just take her out somewhere so she'll have something to do." && I spent 75 at the hospital buying food for everybody while we were waiting for the baby to be born. Then for Christmas I got a $130 dollar laptop battery, from goddaddy & Aunty Isha, & some gift certificates from mom. Homemade gift certificates. One $100 dollar shopping spree, as soon as she gets it [oh, but she's never had it when I asked for it], one 8 hr just me and her time [I no longer want to spend that much time with her, she irks me], & one get out of babysitting free pass [fuck that shit, I will leave her kids if I', tryna go somewhere. The end]. & thats what I got, birthday and christmas, thats what I waited all year for.

And now they have the nerve to throw this big ass thing for Ree. I know! I'm being a brat right? Maybe I am, but the shit feels so justified its not even funny. I was in the mall last night, straight crying. CRYING YO! Like fuck is this? I'm crying like an eleven year old, walking behind mom, tryna clean up my face cus I don't want them to see me crying. If that ain't some bullshit, I don't even know what is. Its madness! &, once more, I'm NOT MAD AT REE. I'm mad at the fact that everybody keeps saying she doesn't know how to do stuff, cus they've never let her do it. "She doesn't know how to be at home by herself." thats cus you've never left her at home by herself. "She doesn't know how to babysit your brother" that cus you've never let her babysit my brother. "She's not mature enough." How the hell would you know?! You never let her do anything. And this, being the most relevant. "She wouldn't understand that we don't have enough money to throw her this party." wait, so you're just gonna magically poof up the money, knowing you can't afford it, because she wouldn't understand?!

and WHY do I ALWAYS have to be the fucking understanding one? Huh?! Maybe, maybe, just maybe, if my comprehension was for shit this year around December, yall would say some bullshit like that about me. Oh, Ashley wouldn't understand if we didn't have enough money to not make this the best birthday she's ever had so, we better make it happen. Shit, get in that mindstate when it comes to me, how bout that?

When we came home last night, it was ten. I went to bed. Cried myself to sleep, pathetic as that sounds. Mom was supposed to take me to pick up my check && open my account this morning, because they finally took her off check systems. On hold, for the party, "oh, we'll do it tomorrow." I don't know if this blog has given yall an accurate impression, but "oh we'll do it tomorrow" is code for bitch don't get your hopes up. So when she told me that, I cried some more.

I blogged this blog this morning, because I have to go to this little girls party, and smile, and play with her little friends, and act like I give a flying fuck. I'm upset. & ain't shit anybody can say to change that fact.

December birthdays fucking suck. I'm going to get in the shower.

-A.