Blogging to make up for the fact that I haven't been blogging. Cus I know yall know how I feel about blogging in the daytime. Yuck. Erm...whens the last time I did this? I need to know what I'm catching you up on......-goes to look. Alright I'm back. Here we go.

I was on sidestand at work Friday. Its the single most depressing thing ever. Have yall ever been to the movies and seen those little mini concession stands in the back where the actual theaters are? && then you wonder "why aren't those ever open? That would be so much more convenient." Let me tell you. In general, during the week, theres not enough attendance to warrant having a side stand anyway. But on the weekends at my theater, they open it. Problem being, they don't TELL anybody that its open, so everybody buys their popcorn from the regualar concession stand, and then walks by sidestand like "I wish somebody would've told me you were open! That would've been so convenient!" Yea. its irritating. So basically, I sat there for 6 hours and did nothing. People came to visit me though. I love them for that. See, when I know somebody's on sidestand, I go visit them, because I knwo how incredibly fucking boring it is. && everybody returned the favor. Chase brought me cleaning supplies && pens because he knew I didn't have anything to do. Devin started a popcorn war with me. Edan brought me carrots. Belinda brough me gossip. It was great. However, they didn't realize they'd be keeping me as long as they were keeping me, so they didn't give me a lunch break in time for me to not go into violation. So, while I'm waiting on them to check me out, I'm like "I wonder if they know I'm in violation..." Long story short, when I went to clock out, Lisa, the manager, basically said, oh we clocked you out already. BITCHWAITYOUDIDWHAT?!?! I was heated. They'd clocked me out an HOUR before I left. thats an HOUR I didn't get paid for. Yes, I am calling corporate. Their business hours had ended by the time i thought to call them, but whatever.

After I left there, Edan took me to dinner, lol well not really. He rolled me through the drive through at Carl's Jr. && then drove me home. When i came home I talked to people on aim && yahoo, && myspace, can't forget myspace. Then I went to bed.

Saturday, which was yesterday, was interesting. I opened concessions with a new trainee named DeeJay. No, not DJ. DeeJay. fuck ever. She was cool. She picked up on everything pretty quick. I was all shocked && awed that they'd allow me to train somebody in the first place lol. But I think I did pretty well. Chase was an hour late. He overslept. It was adorable, cus he really wasn't awake at all. Erm....they let me off hecka early. Kayla && I went to lunch. I went to see Death Race, cus I was supposed to see it with Chase today but we're going to the fair instead so I saw it yesterday. Its a good movie. I've just seen so many movies that it was a bit predictable to me. But predictable in the good way, you know, the way that made you want to watch it, even though you know what was going to happen.

When I was leaving work, I get this frantic phone call from Elmo. Dempsey (one of their pittbulls) bit Jonathon. He'd gone to the hospital. They said he was going to need stitches. They called me because they wanted me to be calm before they told mom, because they knew she was going to freak out. Lee thinks the dog needs to be put down. I don't. Neither does mom. I think the dogs need to go somewhere where they can be happy. I think it was ridiculously selfish of Goddaddy & Aunty Isha to get dogs && then have a baby without even thinking about how they would balance the two. I'm terribly upset because Darwin (aka my dog) 's little heart is broken because they locked his brother in the garage, so now the poor baby has no one to play with, && he just sits arouns the house looking forlorn and crying, && its the single most depressing thing I've ever seen in my entire life.

When I got home I was hella bored so I started texting random people in my phone. People from work are the shit lmao. I sent the text out at midnight. My convo with Keely lasted 15 minutes, my convo with Belinda, on && off was about an hour and a half. But Chase? Me && Chase texted from 12 to 3 am. That kid is hilarious.

[textmessagesent]
Seriously. School hasn't even started. & @ 2 am?! Madness.

[ textmessagereceived ]
Madness?! THIS IS AP ECON!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was fucking dying.

Anyway. Then I woke up && it was today.


Things I've noticed about myself recently:

-I don't know if I've always been like this, or its recent, but do you notice how much I stress positive thinking? Like, I've never considered myself an optimist, but the more I think about it, the more I realize, I kind of am. Ew.

- When I was younger, I could spend mass quantities of time entertaining my gotdamn self. I wasn't necessarily anti social, I just didn't need anybody around really. The older I get, the more social I get, I suppose. Cus now, it makes me insane to go more than 15 minutes without a text or something. I'm like =[! where is everybody?

Erm.....super long pointless blog is now over. I'll probably blog again tonight when I get home from the fair.

If you've ever heard of Alexandro Jodorowsky, comment this blog. lol. I'm realizing, when it comes to him, the world is smaller than I thought.

-A.

So uhm....for it to have been such a short day, a lot went down as far as my perspective on life && things of the nature. Thats all I'm really worried about. I've noticed people blogging about events, & i do that occasionally, but really, I blog to take a look at what I think about things, analyze why I think it, and try to figure out if my stance on what I'm thinking matches up with where I'm trying to go in life. Thats forward movement. Progressive thinking. You should try it.

Anyway. Today I realized that I'm actually a master at being an aquaintance. I think thats the most important thing Whitney's ever taught me. After that whole shit went down, it finally dawned on me that I do not have to be best friends with everybody. Some of you are just acquaintances. And I'm realizing exactly how many people I've very quietly, and politely, cut the fuck out of my life. And the one's that I've very quietly invited in. && I'm looking at how thats working for me. Man. Kris, D'Angelo, && Elmo have honestly been my only confidants this summer. And I've been perfectly okay with that. But there's some people that are either just coming back, or that I cut out accidentally, that I need back. I need Sam back, with such a passion. &+ my first "real" boyfriend, Jeremy, he's back. & thats such a good look for the simple fact that he's a perfect way to see where I'm coming from and compare it to where I am.

People who've been cut are equally suprising to me, cus my twin, she's an acquaintance now. Honestly. I feel like everything I tell her I have to repeat about four times. And every time I tell her something, she approaches it with the wrong mindstate. Its either pity, or scolding. Neither of which are what a person necessarily wants to hear. I mean, really? Earnest and Brandon both. Acquaintances. We're cool, && I check up on them occasionally, but still, acquaintances. Its just so...trippy. All these people that I used to be literally like family with, I'm looking at now like...wow.

I'm totally not the type to do this, but I feel like I do need to take a second to address it. You need to stop, and take a look at what you're doing, and think about how other people are seeing it, and think about the effect its having on your relationship. Cus you can spend all your time worrying about the next bitch, and how close she is to your man, but in the mean time, you're not paying enough attention to your man, and what he needs. That'll be your undoing before anything I can do. Understand it.

Moving on, I was totally accepted into my night school program. I am worried about the academic integrity of the establishment though. I hate repeating myself, so I'm not going to tell the story here. Ask me about it if you want to know.

I'm not quitting my job! Whoo hoo! I mean, blah. Nevermind. I might be. But I really don't think I am. I really think this can work. Once again, whatever. Thinking positively, moving on.

I lied earlier. Unknowingly, so don't be upset. I think I could take it though. I mean, it wouldn't be easy, but I think I could. I know yall don't know what I'm talking about. I'm just kind of musing. But I do think that I could use an upgrade right about now, && that, with some help, && understanding, && the right person, I could take it.

Thats all folks.
-A.

I talked to Goddaddy about it today. He took it different than I'd expected. Not better. Not worse, just different. Now I've got an outline for a plan. Not a full plan. But an outline for a plan. If it works, well, if it works, I'll be about three steps ahead of where I am right now, && thats three steps in the right direction. So, wish me luck, even though I'm not going to speak on details to the plan in this venue.

Three songs on repeat:
Twista ft. Faith Evans - Hopeful (you hecka shoulda seen that coming)
"Sit at the light so long, && then we gotta move straight forward cus we fight so strong. So when right goes wrong, just say a little prayer. Get your money man, life goes on."
Gnarls Barkley - Crazy
"&& When you're out there, without care, yea I was out of touch. But it wasn't because I didn't know enough...I just knew too much."
Van Hunt - Down Here In Hell (With You)
"What would I do if we were perfect? Where would I go for disappointment? Love without pain would leave me wondering why I stay."


I was writing my essay for the night school program when I got home, && i swear, I completely amaze myself with these conceptual essay topics. Wanna see a bit?

"Writing's always been a bit like magic to me: My pen, the wand, sprinkling words like fairy dust over my audience, until they're caught up enough in the rapture to go wherever I'm taking them.

The politics of education, however, is the poison apple of my fairy tale world. Natural ability is not enough. They trade survival of the fittest for survival of who can do the most homework. So while the students still relying on basic third grade sentence structure get ahead; I get D's and F's for being too wrapped up in the writing to do the grunt work associated with it. I sit waiting in the box society's created: Sleeping Beauty, waiting on her kiss.

But fairy tales are so old fashioned. I've realized that if I want my happy ending, I'll have to go get that kiss myself. I'll have to work for it. No, natural ability is not enough. I'll have to prove my drive to the world, but more than that, I'll have to prove it to myself. And by the time I'm done, the whole world will know that life can be a fairy tale."

The interviews tomorrow at 1. wish me luck.

Semi made a thingy madoodle with Chase to see Death Race. Sunday I'm thinking, since he starts school on the 2nd. && I probably do too, if the plan goes according to...yea, we're not talking about that. I forgot.

Man, I'm gonna miss late nights at Alyssea, being half drunk & half contact high watching movies. I'm going to miss the smell of popcorn in the morning. I'm going to miss cafeteria's that serve actual food. I'm hella gonna miss my free buspass.

But I'm not going to miss feeling like I'm worth something better. I'm not going to miss waking up and thinking I'm in the wrong body, in the wrong time.

I'm headed to where I need to be, and I'm ready for that. I can't wait for that.

So bring it on.

"Oh I'm hopeful, yes I am, hopeful for today. Take this music and use it, let it take you away, and be hopeful, hopeful, and he'll make a way. I know it ain't easy but, thats okay, cus we're hopeful."

Night world.
-A.

Me & this blog link are like star crossed lovers or some shit. We eternally come back to each other. So yes, I'm back blogging at literary-romance.blogspot.com. If you weren't aware that the link had changed for about a month, you should get to older posts clicking because you've missed about 16 posts worth of drama. Shame on you. I very rarely have to blog blogs like the one I'm about to, because I have friends, you know, people to talk to. However, those people are few, and they all seem to be busy. Well no. D'Angelo's mobile, &+ I don't feel like calling him. Zula's phone is broken & she's not online. I could text Sam, but its late there && she's so out of the loop when it comes to some of these things that I don't want to have to catch her up, not to mention, she's gettin her little family thing going, so I wouldn't wanna interrupt that. And Jill. Well I'm talking to Jill about it now and she seems like she's a million miles away. And not even geographically just like, I mean, priority wise.

Anyway. Let me give you the backstory.

I'm pretty sure I lied to the majority of yall and told you I graduated high school this year. Thats not true. I'll graduate next year, due in large part to a term off for the chicken pox, a term of generally fucking around and not getting anything done, and a term of faulty email systems that have me failing classes I should've passed. Its whatever, honestly, PCC is a thing of the past. Who wants to be at community college anyway? Today I was officially exited from the Early College program, and Thursday I have an interview at Merlo Station High School's Night School Program. Its just like the PCC program I was in, just at a high school, with less people. If they don't accept me (which is highly unlikely, cause honestly? I talk a good game. People generally don't know I'm a screw up until its far too late), I'll be forced to go back to Southridge which would be majorly embarrassing. Erm, so yeaa, I won't be at college this year. However next year, I plan on skipping that JC shit entirely and just doing the university thing full time.

My only dilemma right now, is figuring out how to tell the rest of my family, with the exception of mom, that I lied to them. I mean, I was ashamed. How would I tell my family of geniuses that me, the female skipping all kinds of grades and breaking all kinds of records, that I'm the one that didn't graduate from high school? Its kind of pathetic. So I figured, since I was at PCC already anyway, I'd just tell them I graduated, but was staying on at PCC until I could get the money situation together. That sounded so plausible. Cept for now I'm not at PCC anymore. So I guess I'll have to face the music. My godfather's going to take it the hardest. Nobody else really cares. No, no, let me rephrase, Aunty Isha's going to be the most upset, Goddaddy's going to be the most justified. See, Aunty Isha's going to think that she's the "cool" aunty, and that I wouldn't have lied to her because she's so "cool". Godfather, on the other hand, well....I should've just told them.

Mom & I were trying to contemplate another lie, to make up for the first lie, but....I mean, what can you come up with for "oh, I know I just graduated high school, but I just feeeeeel like going to another high school for no reason at all whatsoever." Shit, I mean if you can come up with something, I'll use it.

More than that though, the school thing I mean, I'm just ready for something new. Something different. I've never, ever, ever, put my whole heart into anything, because I guess I was always afraid it wouldn't be good enough and I guess I'm really ready to be done with that fear. I'm too much of an adult to spend this much time acting so much like a child. It doesn't make any sense. But I need help dammit. I can't do this shit on my own, if I could, I would've already. I need somebody to be there, &+ everybody's so caught up in their own shit that they don't have time to say "how're you doing?" Blah, its frustrating [/pity party].

I'm tired. Emotionally, not physically per say, just, its all in my head. I have been sleeping a whole lot lately, which is great for like...I don't know. I actually see no upside to sleeping that fucking much.

Oh! I changed the layout. I needed something with an older posts button, it was driving me insane. Plus, my comments are back. So, uhm, comment?

-A.

I suppose I should blog it. Just because otherwise I won't be able to get around it. Or over it. Or through it. Or whichever one of those terms describes it best. Just understand, my few faithful blog readers, that this shit is NOT to be commented on. I don't care how close we are, how long we've been friends, how much I love you, if I get a convo that starts with anything closely resembling, "So whats up, I read your blog." That WILL be the end of our association. If you think I'm playing you should try me. I need to make an example out of somebody anyway.

Blah.

Lets start with Sunday night/Monday morning. I didn't get to bed till 3:30-4ish. Woke up at 7 so, safe to say, I was mad sleepy. Worked from 10:15-5. Went to the bookstore, Edan called on my way home, asking to chill. I'm like whatever. He wanted to watch Little Shop of Horrors. No big deal. So I come home, change clothes, he comes, we leave or whatever. It was all good. A typical night for us. He got me some food, I wasn't hungry....


You know what? No. I don't even feel like tellin this story anymore. Some things just don't need to be said. As far as the parts that you should know:

He's moving to Pittsburgh or however you spell it for a month on September 8th. He put in his two weeks at Regal so he won't be working there anymore when he gets back.

I'm considering taking the semester off school. Maybe just do a couple night classes somewhere, but I'm not even tryna do this full time anymore. Its all good, cus that means I can work more, &+ save more, &+ have more, &+ stuffs.

& somebody tell me another good Macy Gray joint other than that "I Try", cus i swear, I've never heard her do anything worth doing, besides that.

Oh, &+ just in case you missed it, just because I ain't tell you the story, DOES NOT mean that you can get in my box, or text/call me on some "so what happened?" type bullshit. NIGGANOTALICKOFYOURDAMNBUSINESS. how bout that?

ehh.

-A.

edit

Just occurred to me that some of yall niggas think too hard. No, the title of the blog has absolutely nothing to do with the story that I didn't tell you. For the record. The song was just stuck in my head.

Complete & total honesty? I sat on Jay's blog for approximately 4.5 hrs watching Hancock & Definitely, Maybe. I'm a loser that way. I had to do something to keep myself occupied while my mommy was on her date thingy. I can't sleep when she's out that late. I know. I'm a loser that way, too. I tried getting drunk to keep myself amused, but I only ended up breaking my jade apple - its a long story. Now its 1:21 in the morning, &+ I'm coming to terms with the fact that I do have to get up and go to work in the morning. Yipee. Oh shit, I need to check my PCC email. -checks. oh wait, nevermind. She doesn't check it on weekends. Somebody remind me to check it tomorrow.

Talked to D'Angelo today. Finally gave him his bday video. Its all moms fault. She didn't wanna record it. You know I'm sleepy cus I hella could not spell his name just now. I'm all looking at the keyboard like "I know theres supposed to be an 'n' in there somewhere....where the fuck would the 'n' go?" I'm only blogging really because that "woe is me" blog from Ree's birthday is beginning to bother me. I hate writing blogs like that. I always feel so....whiny. Yuck. Like gawsh Ashley, man up or something. Is it just me? Probably. Usually is. No, don't worry. I don't mind. I'm used to it.

Can't believe he blogged the damn video. I'm not in it so I guess I can't really take offense. &+ moms gorgeous, so why wouldn't he want her on his blog? If I could fake any bitch on myspace, swear to God it'd be my mother. She's HAD a fake, did I tell yall that? Old low self esteem, menopause going through ass bitches fakin moms on the space! Thats how you know the apocolypse is coming & shit. I spelled that wrong. Don't really care to go back & change it.

My computer is falling apart. The cold, hard truth being, I need a new one. =[. Fuck that. The fuck I don't. I've only had this bitch for a little over two years. I'm going to take it to the Apple store, &+ pay however much they want for the replacement of the gotdamn keyboard. && then I'm going to buy a new battery. all thats about 200 bucks. =/ but whatever! I know I have to buy the battery myself, cus if I tell somebody I need a new one, they'll get it for me for my birthday, &+ I'll cry my fucking eyes out. So seriously.

Erm. I was pretty today. I should've taken pictures. I met another D'Angelo today! Couldn't spell his name either. I need to go to bed. He's adorable though. D'Angelo is obviously just French for sexiness lol. Uhm...have you ever been so sleepy that your entire face hurt? Like...ew.

But yea, I think...well, no, thats nowhere near all I had to say, but its all I'm going to say, &+ if I can remember the rest, I'll blog it next time, whenever that may be.

I hella wanna read Jane Eyre now, randomly. I'll make it my next book after Anna Karenina. lol. && just to round it out, afterwards, I'll read Emma.

G'night

-A.

EDIT

So i was reading over the blog, &+ then I went to go check my links, you know, make sure nobody did any last minute blog edits or anything &+, lo and behold, I click on Mr. da Vinci's blog & the video I was talking about? Not there. Well then. -sigh of relief

Its hella hot. Did I say that before? Whatever, night.

Ehh @ blogging in the morning. Its always felt so wrong to me. Like why would you blog, before anythings happened? Fuckin backwards. But whatever. This is gonna be a long one. Get some popcorn, go pee or something.

Today's my little sisters birthday. She's turning 13. And honestly, I can't even be happy for her. My mom, who never has any money for oh, lets say, bills, or uhm...her medication maybe? Dropped over 100 dollars in the mall yesterday buying last minute shit for Ree's Birthday. She's having a birthday party. They bought hella irritatingly bright colored streamers && table cloths && plates with matching utensils && shit. Pretty sure Aunty Isha got her the DS + game. She got hella clothes, & acsessories or however the hell you spell that word. & I'm not mad at her. I swear, cus its not her fault. I'm mad at the situation.

Cus see, if you flash back to my birthday, you'll remember. Nah, lemme tell yall exactly what I got. I got $200. cash. It got put on my credit card. Me & My mom went to breakfast, like we have every birthday since I was 8. & then we decorated the gotdamn christmas tree. And then I just went to sleep cus I was depressed. Now but wait! Cus you wanna know where I spent that 200? I spent 50 of it taking annmarie to the movies, cus "she was bored, and she doesn't know how to be bored quietly so Ashley, please just take her out somewhere so she'll have something to do." && I spent 75 at the hospital buying food for everybody while we were waiting for the baby to be born. Then for Christmas I got a $130 dollar laptop battery, from goddaddy & Aunty Isha, & some gift certificates from mom. Homemade gift certificates. One $100 dollar shopping spree, as soon as she gets it [oh, but she's never had it when I asked for it], one 8 hr just me and her time [I no longer want to spend that much time with her, she irks me], & one get out of babysitting free pass [fuck that shit, I will leave her kids if I', tryna go somewhere. The end]. & thats what I got, birthday and christmas, thats what I waited all year for.

And now they have the nerve to throw this big ass thing for Ree. I know! I'm being a brat right? Maybe I am, but the shit feels so justified its not even funny. I was in the mall last night, straight crying. CRYING YO! Like fuck is this? I'm crying like an eleven year old, walking behind mom, tryna clean up my face cus I don't want them to see me crying. If that ain't some bullshit, I don't even know what is. Its madness! &, once more, I'm NOT MAD AT REE. I'm mad at the fact that everybody keeps saying she doesn't know how to do stuff, cus they've never let her do it. "She doesn't know how to be at home by herself." thats cus you've never left her at home by herself. "She doesn't know how to babysit your brother" that cus you've never let her babysit my brother. "She's not mature enough." How the hell would you know?! You never let her do anything. And this, being the most relevant. "She wouldn't understand that we don't have enough money to throw her this party." wait, so you're just gonna magically poof up the money, knowing you can't afford it, because she wouldn't understand?!

and WHY do I ALWAYS have to be the fucking understanding one? Huh?! Maybe, maybe, just maybe, if my comprehension was for shit this year around December, yall would say some bullshit like that about me. Oh, Ashley wouldn't understand if we didn't have enough money to not make this the best birthday she's ever had so, we better make it happen. Shit, get in that mindstate when it comes to me, how bout that?

When we came home last night, it was ten. I went to bed. Cried myself to sleep, pathetic as that sounds. Mom was supposed to take me to pick up my check && open my account this morning, because they finally took her off check systems. On hold, for the party, "oh, we'll do it tomorrow." I don't know if this blog has given yall an accurate impression, but "oh we'll do it tomorrow" is code for bitch don't get your hopes up. So when she told me that, I cried some more.

I blogged this blog this morning, because I have to go to this little girls party, and smile, and play with her little friends, and act like I give a flying fuck. I'm upset. & ain't shit anybody can say to change that fact.

December birthdays fucking suck. I'm going to get in the shower.

-A.

Sooooo. Today was boring. Woke up, went to the gym. I got there late cus I was Odee sleepy this morning && did not feel like getting out of bed. When I got there, who wants to be there but Khasha punk ass. Yall prolly don't know nothin bout Khasha cus he's really never been blog worthy but uhm. Khasha is a dude, figure I should clarify cus the name is hella female. He's Armenian or whatever. I posted a pic of him way back in the day cus he's really confusing. Sometimes he's sexy as hell and other times he's not. Anyway, he was there, him && his homeboy or whatever, following me && my aunty && Elmo around the gym. Every section we was in, they was there. Like damn nigga, you wanna see my sweat that bad?! its like that now? Iono, he's creepy. In the, I'll allow him to continue to follow me type way.

Oh! While we were at the gym, Elmo came up with the joke of the day. Which is hilarious all by its self cus (no offense) Elmo's not normally funny. Well she is, but not in the laughing with you kinda way. More like the laughing at you kinda way,feel me? But anyway. I was hella tired, && lazy, && I ain't wanna do the damn shoulder machine mabob thingy. So i was looking at the machine, && i'm like ughhhh I don't wannaaaa, this is gay. Yall are gay. (Joke's only funny if you remember that Elmo's lesbian) She looks at me, straight in the face, with no emotion at all, && says: "I'm not gay". Shit was priceless. I almost spit my water out all over the damn floor. Khasha && his cross eyed friend was just starin at me. I ain't even care. Straight comedy, you have no idea.

After the gym, we went to pick up the baby, went to Panda Express where this bitchass lil Mexican kid would not stop crying. && his mama wouldn't even say shit to him. This bitch just wipin his tears like it was all hunky dory && shit. Had me wishin for the good ol ghetto days. The "I'll give you a reason to cry" days. Anybody remember those. Shit, lil kids these days in doin too much. I wanted to go slap that lil boy damn self, but fuck ever.

After that we took Elmo to take her permit test. SHE PASSED!! Woot Woot! Only bitchass part about that is now I can't steal her car. And I found out that my graduation money is actually in an investment account so I can't touch it till I turn 18. So there goes buying a car. So basically I'm shit outta luck whip wise but its all good. Edan called while I was waiting for Elmo to finish her test. Told him I'd call him back. oops? In all honesty I actually fell asleep && then I just ain't feel like it anymore.

Currently Me & Kris are doing an overview of our pimping this summer. Its been the shit. lol shame she starts school Monday. I shall have to continue the pimping on my own for the rest of the summer. I'm bout to be national pimpin though. I'm talkin LA pimpin. Vegas pimpin. Plus, something fabulous money wise just occurred to me.When all the lil idiot high schoolers at my job go back to school, I'm still going to have my same availability. I'ma get hella fucking hours yo, its gonna be bomb!

Lol, I was really in a bad mood when I started blogging this, &+ now i'm hyper. Ima go, I just need to do a few more lil bullet point type remarks.

- I'm starting a series in the written obsession blog, called Unfair. I feel like complaining, so I'll do it in rhyme. First poem titled Unfair Survival, will be up tomorrow. Two songs that I'm working on are posted there now, one with the instrumental attached. I'll link the blog tonight, promise.

- Its rather disconcerting to be informed of a secret blog one night, && have complete access to it, & then go back to check it a day or so later and be told that your access is denied. You might want to fix that, partner. mhm, you.

- I honestly can't think of what else I was going to say, so I'll stop talking now. G'night.

-A.

I'm not happy anymore.

Overview of my day? Gym. Passports for Aunty Isha && Munchka. Olive Garden w/ Goddaddy, Aunty Isha, & Elmo. [Currently] hiding in the closet. We technically should be going driving in a bit. Whatever.

So at lunch, I'm telling goddaddy that even though we hate each other in solid six month cycles, I still consider Bruce one of my best friends.

Come home to discover he deleted me on myspace.

All I have to say:"Really? We're doing it like that now?"

I really don't have much else to say.

There's approximately 30 songs on that playlist to your left.

Currently blogging to: Intruder Alert - Lupe Fiasco.

I'm gonna go post some stuff in written obsession.

I should link that on here shouldn't I?

Oh yea, & Randomly.....[13.....]

That was for Elmo.

-A.

EDIT!

Before my day turned to shit, I was immensely pleased cus I got this:



=D

I'm about to piss my mom off and fall asleep at my Godfathers. Oops? I'm feeling like not being the picture of adolescent obedience. Moving on. Are the day breakdowns working for you? I like them quite a bit, I think. They keep me organized-ish.

Sunday

I was up at 8 in the morning to go to breakfast with my white family on their way back down to California. We went to Noah's Bagels. I had the best bagel sandwich I've ever had in my entire life. Came back to godfathers, wasted a bit of my life on Myspace. Watched Step Up 2 for some reason that I could not, for my life, describe. Went to the gym, where I met up with Elmo & Aunty Isha. We did our workout together, it was fun. We were dying, like seriously laughing the entire time. It made the workout go by a little faster. After we left the gym we went to Baja Fresh, & Aunty Isha asked me if I'd considered a facial peel, for the chicken pox scars. I told her I didn't think it was that big of a deal. She said okay. Then I went home, showered real quick & went to church with mom. Man, yall remember when I used to go to church alll the time? I realized last night that I haven't been in that building since Easter. Normally I'd feel really guilty about it but I don't. At all. While I was there I realized why I didn't go anymore. The atmosphere of it is so repressive. The people are great, honestly. But I feel like they're so bound by their idiotic & completely archaic traditions, that if I breathe the wrong way they'll be forced to disown me. I don't know. It was great seeing everybody again though. Chris hugged me till it hurt. I sung my new song for Mike. I chilled with Brandon for a minute, that was cool cus I haven't seen him since Juneteenth. It was all good. Then we came home. In the car, on the way home, mom asked me if I wanted to try the microderm abrasion stuff on my face, for my scars. At which point I was like, "okay, whats up with yall?" She was just like, its not that it looks that bad, its that we're your parents && we want you to look and feel beautiful at all times. I explained to both of them that honestly, I feel better now, then I ever have. When my hair was long and perfect, and my skin was flawless, I always felt like there was something wrong with me. I was obsessed with it. One pimple would send me spiraling into a depression. A missed hair appointment was an anxiety attack. I was a mess. & Honestly ever since I cut my hair && got the chicken pox, I've had to build a confidence that was based on who I actually was, not what people saw when they looked at me. So in all actuality, I feel better now then I did before. A part of me is afraid that if my hair were to be long and perfect, and my skin were to be clear, that I'd fall back into that cycle. I'd hate that. But I am trying the microderm abrasion. Baby steps. Anyway, I went to bed as soon as we got home from church, which was like 11:30. & when I woke up it was...

Monday

Monday. Danny woke me up with a text. He was distraught over some stuff that I won't discuss here. I know how yall lil cycle works. I don't want it getting back to anybody. Anyway, I hella fell asleep on him after about ten minutes, && then mom woke me up with a text cus she'd left some stuff at our house && she needed me to bring it to her at Goddaddy's. So I got up & threw on some clothes to go over there. Got caught up, almost missed my bus, to go meet Chase at the movies. Aunty Isha && Elmo drove me to the bus stop so that I could give Elmo some pointers on the permit test, which she went to take today. She didn't pass it (awwww) but I know she'll get it next time, she's a smart kid. =]. Uhm....Me & Chase met at the theater. We had popcorn & candy & overpriced soda & ice cream & we were happy people. lol uhm, both of the movies were hilarious. I saw damn near everyone I've ever talked to from work. lol it was kinda weird. When we came out, it was freaking raining. Which was fabulous, because its been so hot, but unfabulous, because we had to sit in it for ... like twenty minutes. No fun at all. Edan called me while I was with Chase. Not exactly awkward......exactly. lol no, it was fine. Uhm....then I came home, discovered Aunty Isha had been in the emergency room because her gall bladder was fucked. & now I'm in my closet (long story), blogging, && listening to the new youtube video on Chase's page. This kids style is insane. lmao. He's not a copy, I'll give him that.

I don't know whats wrong with me. I'm really tired. Its only quarter to ten. Absolute shame. I'll talk to you lovely individuals later I suppose.

-A.

"Cool these engines, calm these jets, I ask you how hot can it get? And as you wipe off beads of sweat, slowly you say, "I'm not there yet."

Record breaking high temperatures in the State the past couple of weeks.

Swear, corny as it sounds, somewhere between.....i don't even know. I don't even know when it started, or where its going, or how, or anything, but I've totally fallen in love with myself. Like I'm giggling just typing about it. Lame right? Lol I but I love it. I love waking up. I love laughing. I love dancing. I love saying what I'm thinking. Like, omgsh. Its so dumb! I'm dating my damn self. I'm in love with my damn self. Its great!

Erm....whats today Saturday? & i just blogged Thursday, so its really not worth doing the day break down thingy, but I'll do it anyway cus it pleases me =]

Thursday

Was hotter than shit. Nah, yall aren't feeling me. After I left the house, I went to work, picked up Anna Karenina, & went home. So fuckin hot yo, like you cannot possibly understand it. No. Actually, you really can't. Thursday was a chill day. Didn't really do anything. Because I was off all week & i'm working all weekend Thursday kinda felt like Sunday && Friday kinda felt like Monday. If that makes any sense.

Friday

I was at work. 10:45-4:30. Then I came home, downloaded some musics, packed some clothes && headed to Alyssea's house for her birthday celebration mabob thing. It was aight or whatever. Them niggas high as fuck, got the munchies & shit, no food in the house. They pullin a Katt Williams got four blunts in rotation & shit. On they "I should not be this high in four & three quarter minutes" type shit. Lmao, it was cool though. Niggas was freestylin. I shut em up tho. No, not with my freestyle abilities (even though you know I'm the shit). I was tired of hearin these niggas talkin bout the same thing so I very calmly turned on an AdV beat &+ told em to spit to that. It wasn't a beat you've heard, in case you were wondering. I had em on some never released Science Project shit. lol but anyways, them niggas turned into groupies in all sorts of 2.5 seconds. All..."damn that nigga cold, lemme hear some of that nigga shit....damn that Love&Music...." D'Angelo. If for some reason you're reading this right now, I want you to know, niggas was in love with Love&Music. So seriously. Anyway. Shit starts windin down. People start tryna go to sleep. Its round 3 in the mornin. Bo && his girlfriend decided they gone fuck. Yo....have you ever heard two people actually have sex? Not on no porno shit, but like the reality of it? Maybe I'm just a freak (that shit would not suprise me in the least) but there was something hella....poetic about it. Like.....man. Unfortunately<. this nigga Marion (his mother says Marion like Marion Jones but when he's around his niggas he pronounces it like Omarion without the O) anyway, he likes me, && he's not an uncool dude he's just not my type. He hearin the fuckin, got himself in a little mood && now he tryna feel up on me. Act like that shit ain't get shut down with a quickness. I ain't get to sleep till somethin like 4 in the morning so I guess we can officially move on to...

Saturday

Man, a bitch was out the door by 8:30 tryna get to work by 10:15. HELLA hungover. Lack of sleep like a muhfucka and it was hotter than Hell, michigan in that bitch today (inside joke. Hey Elmo!). UHm....work, work, work, work, work, work, me &+ chase (who made my whole day cus he wasn't even supposed to be at work today) made plans to do a movie marathon monday. lol. Pineapple Express && Tropic Thunder. Not a date, I'm not dating him. We're just going to some movies.

Blah so thats it. Random thing I've discovered about myself today: people asking me questions actually really pisses me off. Like, if I tell you something, don't try to dig deeper into that shit. It is not your job to psychoanalyze my shit. You are not finding the deeper meaning in any gotdamn thing. Nigga if I said I don't go to church, why not is not an acceptable response. Bitch, because I don't.

Bleh. G'night =]

-A.

Just occurred to me that y'all know nothing of the last couple days of my life. Let me get you up to speed.

Sunday

My white family came in from out of town. They're from Los Angeles, but they're going on vacation to their timeshare in Seattle, so they figured they'd drive up early, so they could spend some time with us. We took them waterfalling. It was great. Mom hiked! I was so proud of her. She wouldn't have been able to do it last year. She wouldn't have even tried last year. It was a great day. By the time we were done everyone was soaking wet and starving. We went to dinner at Red Robin &+ talked about everything. Oh, by the way, the whole fam was in attendance, which is madd rare. It was me, mom, Jon, Ree, Munchka, Goddaddy, Aunty Isha, Elmo, Uncle Scott, Aunty Mary, &+ William, their son. The only downside of Sunday was that I discovered my monthly gift had popped up. Egh.

Monday

I had to work. I felt like crap but I figured if I haven't had enough hours to just be not going to work, so I went. A little while after lunch, cramps started kicking my ass, &+ I got a little sick in the bathroom. Belinda was doing restroom checks &+ she heard me, so she told a manager &+ they sent me home early. I was mad because I'd only worked three &+ a half hours, but I couldn't really be mad at B cus she just thought she was doing the right thing for me. That girl is so damn sweet lol. Then later that evening I went out with Edan &+ we had a conversation about how we really don't have much in common &+ I don't see this going anywhere in the long run so maybe we shouldn't do anything more. His response to all that was that until there was someone else in my life, there was nothing wrong with us spending time together. He also said that even if we stopped talking, he still wants me to call him sugar, cus it makes him giggle &+ blush inside. lmao. his words.

Tuesday

Me, Mom, Jon, Elmo, Aunty Isha, & the baby went to go get our passports. The only people who actually walked out of there with passports were me && mom. This I find hilarious because they only wanted passports so they could leave me, mom, && Jon here while they went on a three day cruise to Mexico. oops? [Elmo, if you're reading this, I know you didn't know. Its fine. Don't ask them, they'll deny it.] Then, after that, I went shopping. Then I tried desperately to find a ride home from the Tropic Thunder midnight, but I couldn't find one, so I didn't go, &+ my hurt was hurt.

Wednesday

We drove to Seattle, ridiculouslyfuckingearly, && went to the Space Needle &+ the Science center with Aunty Mary, Uncle Scott &+ William. It was cool. Not too eventful. They had little roller coaster rides && things of the nature. We spent a lot of time up there. I was on drugs, cus I get motion sick, so I had to take them for the ride, so I was pretty out of it the whole day. I just remember that Seattle was a beautiful city, &+ there were hella black people there. lol. Then we went to Pike's Place, where the first Starbucks was. Man, on my life that was the best starbucks I've ever had. I don't even want to go anywhere else now. Aunty Mary & Uncle Scott told me to take the train down to LA for a week && they'd teach me how to drive a stick. I want my license before the 22nd when school starts, (sept, not aug) so that could be a good look. After the days festivities we went back to their timeshare && watched the olympics && ate pizza && were generally boring, then we drove back home.

Thursday

Well thats today lol. I aint' wake up till like two hours ago. Had a great lil convo with my twin. I miss that kid. Talked to Sammy, she said her new cam's here && so I should get pics today. Soon as I hit publish post, I'm on my way out the door, to go check my work schedule &+ pick up a book from the library. Then I'll finish cleaning my room &+ stuffs. Its been a bomb ass couple of days as far as I'm concerned.

So, uhm, I changed the layout. As we speak, I'm putting the new playlist together, so by the time you get to it, it should be done. Hope everybody's having as wonderful a life as I am right now. =]

-A.

Youtubers honestly fucking sadden me. Not even sad enough to make me mad. Just depress the gotdamn shit out of me. They fuck with my self esteem yo, honestly. Like, I'll be feeling real good about myself && then come home && check my youtube && these niggas done tore my whole shit down. Its like gahh. I wanna scream but at the same time I don't. I mean, the purely emotional part of me is hurt && mad as shit. [how somebody that can't sing gone tell me what I'm doing? I'm seriously sitting here waiting on you to do it better....seriously.] But then at the same time I'm not. Because singing is not my passion, and people that sit around on youtube all day tearing other people down are not my audience. I want to write the songs. Not sing em. I only even post them damn youtube videos to get songs out of my head when they get stuck there. I should disable comments on them bitches. But I wouldn't do that either, wanna know why? Cus fuck that. Let em talk. The fact that you took twelve seconds out of your life to tell me I'm not shit verbally confirms that I'm the shit Honey. Officially. Point Blank Period [/t.i]

&+ I know I'm not hurt that bad deep down inside, for the simple fact that they've never made me question singing. Fuck that. I can sing. Thats not the question. Cus even the people that say I ain't shit qualify it beforehand with some shit like "your voice isn't terrible..." These muhfuckas DO make me think twice about posting shit though. Its so damn irritating! Like ugh! Man.

lol ANYWAYS! fuck youtube. I'm going to Seattle tomorrow. I half broke up with Edan the other night. Not that we were together. But you know what I mean. I wrote a piece && a half of a song today. Its bomb. I'll post it on written obsession later. I really wanna go to the Tropic Thunder midnight tonight, but I don't have a way to get back. [<3's D'Angelo for letting me borrow his car]. I'm really mad at that. Uhm....is that all? Think thats all. Did a lil shopping today. I'm so broke now. New pics on myspace. COMMENT EM BITCHES!!!

The End =]
-A.

I just want it to be known, exactly how long I've been blogging. The little blog profile thingy will inform you that I've been blogging since February 07. Thats right. I've been blogging since before blogging was cool. Since before everyone had their nifty background celebrity banners &+ they're intimidatingly extensive blog rolls. &+ before I came to this magical place called blogger, you know those blogs myspace offers? I really used them. Like really. I blogged the hell out of those blogs. They got on my nerves though. I didn't like the comments. It always felt like judgement when someone commented my blog. Like "oh, this ones worth talking about, but that ones not," plus the things people on myspace say.....its ridiculous. I mean, I feel like if I wanted your opinion on the issue at hand, I would've come and talked to you about it. Blogging, in all actuality, has been a pretty steady part of my life since about 2004. Blogger, this wonderful website where we spend far too many minutes of our lives, has been with me since early 2007, and we have a cycle, blogger and I, one that I'm thinking I should break but, you know how cycles are.

See, I'll blog for about six months straight. Pour my heart out, expecting it to feel better. But it doesn't. So then I go find alll the blogger friends I possibly can, hoping that having someone to talk about it with after I blog it, will make it feel better. But it doesn't, &+ then I realize thats just more people with my sometimes embarrassing business. So then I stop blogging. I say fuck it, &+ I just stop. This lasts for maybe a week. When I say "stop blogging" I don't mean not writing anything at all persay. Sometimes I'll start doing those today-i-woke-up-went-to-work-came-home-and-now-i'm-going-to-sleep-the-end-goodbye blogs. But after a while of that, it becomes, honestly, like a slow burn in my heart. Like I just have to write it. I just have to type it. I've just got to get it off of my chest. And so I come back, usually with a secret blog that only select people have access to. But then I start to miss the sense of community that came with everyone knowing where my blog is and me knowing where everyone's blog is so, the cycle begins again.

Example? In the beginning my blog name was Reina. I blogged there when I first started, from Feb-07 to June 07. Then I made a new blog, grownwoman, where I blogged from June 07 till....well. lol In Dec 07 grownwoman became the blog you now know as literary-romance, though it went through about fifty million name changes before it got there. the blog once known as Reina, became hiphophurray. In something like mid June, I started a third blog, written obsession, for poetry. Then I stopped writing in literary-romance, &+ turned hiphophurray into the syllable seduction you may or may not be reading now. Its retarded really.


ITYPEDALLTHATTHISMORNINGBEFOREIWENTTOWORK. &+ now i'm staring at it trying to remember what the moral of the story was.

-thinks
...

Ehh ; whatever.

-clicks "publish post" button.

Just thought I'd let you know that.

Not like anyone reads this blog anymore. I just hella didn't wanna clutter up the other one with my ramblings. Its all Dondria's fault. Yall know Dondria right? Ol girl from youtube that just got signed to so so def? Yea, yall know her. Welp, its all her fault. She did this song, called Need You Bad by JAzmine Sullivan, that made me go listen to some stuff by Jazmine Sullivan, so I stumbled upon I'm in Love with Another Man, so I fell in love with it, &+ started thinking about love, &+ how I feel when I'm in love, &+ how I feel when I'm in heavy like, &+ made me realize that I'm not in heavy like with this dude. I'm just not. I want to be. Like you don't know how much I want to be. How much I'm telling myself that I should be. But I'm hella not.

I love how me &+ Kris are hella trying to talk me back into liking this dude. Its a tragedy really.

You can't control your heart. You can't control your hormones. All you can control is what you do, and what you allow to come out of your mouth. [except of course, if your heart and/or hormones get there before you, in which case you're shit out of luck]

I'm shit out of luck.

DAMNYOUDONDRIA.

OMGSH!! I LOVE KRISHAUNA!! SHE MAKES SHIT MAKE SO MUCH SENSE. LIKE JUST THE FACT THAT SHE'S SITTING HERE SAYING YUP IS MAKING ME SOOOOOOOO MUCH MORE SURE OF WHAT THE HELL I'M DOING!! LOOKA! :

AshleyyB: like you remember when we were talkin &+ we were both like we need a dude thats gone tell us to shut up and sit down somewhere?
AshleyyBt: hats not him.
[ .Zula Bell_bby. ] =))
[ .Zula Bell_bby. ] i remember that!!
[ .Zula Bell_bby. ] well Ash..
[ .Zula Bell_bby. ] That's what you're used to. Maybe he'll bring something different that you'll like and appreciate more.
AshleyyB: see! now you see why I was thinking it might work! thats EXACTLY! what I was thinking!
AshleyyB: I ws like, I need to get away from what I normally go for, and maybe try something new.
AshleyyB: but....
AshleyyB: idk. maybe, since its not what I normally go for, I'm not feeling how I normally feel?
[ .Zula Bell_bby. ] yea.. cuz it's new..
[ .Zula Bell_bby. ] girlllll you prolly don't know how to act
[ .Zula Bell_bby. ] You so used to the "shut up and sit down" type dude.. then this one comes along and he's the complete opposite
[ .Zula Bell_bby. ] Got you like "this nigga a lame"
AshleyyB: i get that. but see....
AshleyyB: i mean...
AshleyyB: you know what the problem is? honestly? its that I'm bipolar.
AshleyyB: like when I'm at work or at school, i'm this loud, outgoing, confident, independent person you know?
AshleyyB: &+ the dudes are attracted to that, &+ they want that
AshleyyB: but thats not how I am at all when I get into a relationship.
[ .Zula Bell_bby. ] yea
AshleyyB: I mean, nobody wants to be in charge all the time. I just want to feel like I could be the lady, &+ he could be the man.
[ .Zula Bell_bby. ] yupp
AshleyyB: but he'a attracted to that independence. so yea, I could be the girl he wants. I could be bossy and demanding &+ take charge &+ whatnot, but while I was being what he wanted, would he be being what I wanted?
AshleyyB: thats what I'm worried about.


Man. I'm done talking.

-A.

I wanted to post all the pictures I took today, but my cam cord connector mabob thing (don't front like you don't know what I'm talking about) yea, its broken. I need to buy another one. That business there won't be going down till Sunday. So, there'll be mass quantities of new pics on Sunday. But today was cool, I debuted my new little outfit. Got hella compliments, went to a movie &+ a half with the ABC Crew (Ashley, Belinda, Chase, original right?) lol. We saw Space Chimps. Yea, I know. Me &+ Chase just went cus it was free &+ we didn't have anything else to do. The scary part is that B really enjoyed the movie. Noticing I do &+ <-- that a lot. When'd I start doing it? Ehh, w/e. But yea. So we saw Space Chimps, &+ then me &+ Chase were just killing time before he had to go to work so we caught the tail end of Pineapple Express, &+ I realized I've gotta have a helluva lot more dude in me than I thought, cus that shit was funny. It was gay as hell, but it was funny. James Franco's hot, Seth Rogan's hilarious. Yea. Score for Judd Apatow, that dude's a comedic monster, real talkings.

....real talkings? Okay, I'm off tonight, but moving on.

Thee boo cake should've come back from Florida tonight. He didn't call me but thats okay because you know, its not official anything &+ therefore he's not obligated to call me &+ let me know his plane didn't crash. Assuming that his plane did not, in fact, crash, I'll most likely see him tomorrow at work, but I won't get to spend any time with him until probably Sunday. Ew, no, not Sunday. Maybe Monday night? Bleh, whatever. Definitely Tuesday! No, lmao, Tuesday night the ABC Crew is crashing the midnight showing of Tropic Thunder. I'm normally not into the Jack Black/Ben Stiller comedy type things, but seeing Robert Downey Jr. as a nigga is just gonna amuse the hell out of me.

[Firefox says nigga isn't a word, ain't that bout a blue eyed bitch? &+ when I spelled firefox without a capital F, it put its little red line under that too. Where I come from, we call that being uppity. Uppity ass Firefox.]

Omgsh Zula Bell just signed on. -boxes her, we must talk. About things. Don't ask what things. But there are things, that we must talk about. Lmao. Random.

Uhm....I took the music off the blog because it was getting on my nerves. I think I'll keep it gone. Nobody reads this anyway, so yall don't need any damn ambiance or anything to make your feel more comfortable. Fuck (thats capital F-u-c-k) that. Yup yup. I'm pretty sure I'm done talking now. G'night. -Goes to add Chase on myspace lmao.

-A.

Darlings I promise, if anything had happened in the last few days that was blogworthy, I'd have blogged it, but I swear to you, not a lick of it was. I'm only blogging now because I was starting to feel rather awkward. Like I'd go to sleep feeling like I'd forgotten something, checking lights && the house && things of the nature. I guess this really is my therapy.

Meant to tell you all the other day that I had this terrible waking dream. It wasn't a daydream, because daydreams have always given me the impression of being kind of flimsy and unrealistic. You know, a little girl fantasizing about whats going to happen the next time she sees the boy she likes, thats a daydream. This wasn't that. This was a waking dream. A waking nightmare I should say. It was terrifying. It was horrible. It tore my heart out of my chest and put it on a stand for me to stare at. Honestly. I cried so hard. And it made me realize a lot. And what makes it so scary, is that it was so simple. No monsters. No aliens. No natural disasters. No serial killers. No sci-fi - "I've come back in time to tell you you're going to die," type madness. Just one death, one completely possible death. Deaths like the one in this dream happen everyday. Everyday somebody lives the nightmare, and thats what makes it so heartbreaking.

I had a dream that Bruce died.

A simple car accident. A car accident involving an ex boyfriend scares me so much that I'm on the verge of tears typing this right now. Scares me so much that I'm about to spend multiple paragraphs discussing it, and its implications, with you. My imagination, in vivid detail, went passed the cold, numb shock of hearing he was dead, passed the blurred days of crying, and not crying, and not eating, and not speaking, the days of forcing myself to get out of bed, and continue breathing, and putting one step in front of the other. It fast forwarded straight to the funeral. It fast forwarded to his girlfriend of the moment. She was upset. She had every right to be. She told me I had nerve. Showing up at his funeral, crying and carrying on the way I was. After the way I'd treated him, after the way I'd used him and left him, after that, I must have a strong bone of audacity in my body to show my face here, to cry this way here. She told me I couldnt've loved him half as much as anyone else there. Or I'd have proved such when he was living. And honestly? This is the part that scares me, because in response to her, I said the realest shit, the most truthful shit, I've ever allowed myself to say, or allowed myself to think when it comes to Bruce.

"Get the fuck out of my face. You couldn'tve have loved him as much as I loved him. You don't know how to love as much as I loved him. I don't know how to love as much as I loved him. All I know is that I'm done now. This is as much it for me as it is for him, because I don't know anything about the world without him in it."

Because I Don't Know Anything About The World Without Him In It.

Do you know how scary that is? When I came back to myself, left that terrible place where my heart was open and exposed, the place where Bruce was gone, when I came back I found myself crying. And I couldn't stop, I just couldn't. I couldn't breathe. It was terrible.

I do love him. I hope there's nothing I've said that makes you think I don't. Honestly, Nikki Jean said it best "I see myself in your ugliness, so I can't leave you - You're a perfect mess." He's the most irritating parts of myself, and I can't help but love him, because his insanity is one of the only things in this world that keeps me steady. Knowing that he's going to do what he's going to do is just as much as safety net for me as knowing the moon still revolves around the Earth that revolves around the sun. But I refuse to believe that I gave my heart away at 14 and I haven't gotten it back yet. I refuse to believe that there's nothing else out there for me. If he's a reflection of me, then why isn't the changing as I change? Why isn't he getting better? Why does he seem to just be getting worse? I don't want that. He's the most irritating parts of myself. A 7 year old spoiled brat trapped inside the body of a grown man, and yes I know that he'd do anything for me, as I'd do anything for him, because even though I say I refuse to chase after him, I'm going to tell Elmo to tell him to call me later, because I can't not hear his voice after a dream like that. I have to know he's okay. Even if he does want to be a smart ass and piss me off.

I think I'm done with that now.

There's internet at my house again, thank the Lord God Almighty, because I was beginning to go insane. Tomorrow's my day off, thank the Lord God Almighty, because I was beginning to go insane. I think this kid Chase at work likes me, honestly trying to lay off dudes at work, so I'll just let that go. The other ones in Florida till Friday. He called me last night, but I missed it. Oh shit, where's my phone? -goes to find it. And of course he called me again, twice, like two hours ago. Not knowing where my phone is will get me every time. He probably thinks I'm ignoring him, that I decided I don't like him anymore or something, poor darling. -Checks the voicemail.

G'night.

-A.

I recorded a youtube video today. I'm In Love With Another Man by Jazmine Sullivan. Its by far, guaranteed the best one I've ever done. No, thats a lie. The best one I ever did was I wish I wasn't by Heather Headley, but this one was so damn good. Like you honestly don't even know. You should check it outtttt. [ click it ]

New blog friend. Bryant ol sexy ass, lol. He's a cool person, so far. Cool to talk to && things. If you're reading this, don't forget to make that list, its gonna be good for you, I promise =]

Anyways, worked today. 9:50 to 6:10. Saywhat? thats gonna look bomb on my check. Thee boo person was sick. He's going to Florida tomorrow for about a week to visit his mother. He was supposed to see me tonight, seeing as he's gonna be gone. He wasn't feeling well though, at all, and he hadn't packed yet, so we decided to just leave it alone for tonight. He said he was gonna call me back though -looks at my phone

Even though I'm not like desperateee or nothin, but that is lowkey the only reason I'm still awake.

I would continue to blog if this nigga did not keep buzzing me. Yall know its bad for my concentration. =[

Oh yea. I didn't forget.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY D'ANGELO!!!

I'ma call you when the suns up, me && mommy are gonna sing to you.
=]

Uhm.....and I'm done.
-A.

Illdividual Radio? lmao that used to be my shit. I used to look forward to it && stuffs.

I have absolutely nothing to blog about. No really. This whole thing will be full of unnecessarily random information.

I went to a going away party tonight, for a soprano in my choir, she's going to Mississippi for school. She's almost 20 so we were real happy she was gonna try the college thing and so on and so forth. So we're all sitting at the table (the party was at a restaurant) and somebody says, "So Amber, what school are you going to?" And this bitch has the audacity, the pure audacity to say, "Hines Community College." BITCHWHAT?!? You're moving halfway across the fucking country to go to community college? Uhm....why? No forreal, let me know. stupid bitch. Anyway.

"Maybe this decision was a mistake, you probably don't care what I have to say, but its been heavy on my mind for months now, I guess I'm trying to clear some mental space." lol there's no deep revelation to go along with that, the line was just in my head.

On our way home, the guy driving in front of us was maddd drunk. Like swear to God I thought he was gonna have an accident. I was so scared. But we got in front of him and then drove home in safety.

Mom's license is suspended, they're gonna tow the car if they catch her driving. Silly hoes these days. -shakes my motherfucking head (cus some things need to actually be typed out, Fuck an acronym)

I went shopping today. And now I'm broke. But I'm fly. lmao. Nah, I'm actually financially fine cus my graduation money from my Nana just hit, + i still get paid next week. ANYWAYSZ!

Hella done pretending I have something to say. Even though I prolly talk to her more than yall, I still miss Kris. Her blog used to be my fucking favorite yo. She never said anything. It was fabulous. And then, every now and then, she did say something, && you were like.....woah. Thats why I talk to her. lol but anyway. I'm done. Night.

-A.