In Love With Another Man.mp3 -Jazmine Sullivan

That song makes me think of Bruce. Miss that loser. The one I fell in love with, not the one he is at the present. Contradictory? Not really. People change. Not always for the better. I wonder though, like, does he think he changed for the better? I worry about him. Like honestly, I don't think I really still have romantic feelings for Bruce. I mean, okay, as far as I'm concerned there's a difference between romantic and sexual feelings. Sexually? Me and him are hot enough to burn some shit down, but romantically? I'm honestly through. However, as I get older, mature && stuff, and see what people are calling love these days, and then compare it to how I felt about him, I realize that he's probably the only person I can ever say I've entirely, and unselfishly loved. So how can anyone tell me not to worry about him when I see him on the path he's on? I mean, he's got a little bit of my heart with him, so if he goes down, a piece of me will too. Therefore, isn't it my obligation to myself to keep him on his two feet? I need to call him. His phone's disconnected though. I worry.

Anyways! Hey. I gave the link out, only to D'Angelo [edit* I put it on myspace too, not that those niggas can read but yea], but I guess I have to accept the possibility that I might have readers again. Readers are always fun. Don't know what to tell y'all though. My day was definitely uneventful. I was supposed to work but I didn't get to sleep until like five and so I overslept and I was running late. Which is no excuse, I was even gonna go in, and just call and tell them I was gonna be late but then we discovered that mom had forgotten to wash my work pants, so they'd just sat in the washing machine since Saturday, so they'd mildewed, so they had to be rewashed and dried before they were usable. Which is totally fine, when you're not running on four hours of sleep. Fuck that. I called in sick and took my ass back to sleep.

Wait wait wait! Rewind. I forgot to say why I was up till five in the morning. I got a BOOK! [yes, that sounded hella nerdish] But no forreal, I got a book. Guess what kindddd of book. I got the best book of useless information. WHOO!! lol. Omgsh. I was having too much fun with that. Hell freezing over, coal mine fires that lasted 84 years. Buddy. Like you have no idea. I was dying. And then after I finished the book, I was on the phone with him<3. Haven't talked to him today though. He thinks I'm at a sleepover. I'm supposed to be at a sleepover, did I tell yall that? Me && my friends Belinda && Keely were gonna do a girls night in thing at B's. But those plans fell through because Keely had to close. Guess we'll do it again whenever. But yea, he hasn't called me because he thinks i'm at a sleepover. && I haven't called him cus....well I don't call people. lol ask anyone with my number, they'll tell you, it doesn't happen.

Anyway. When I figured out I wasn't gonna be at the sleepover, I rolled, running errands && things, with Aunty Isha, Elmo, Jon, && Munchka. We went to take passport pictures. Yes, I'm getting a passport. No, we're not going anywhere. Isn't that lame? I'm all excited to go somewhere cus I'm gettin a damn passport && everybody's like, "Ashley, we're not going anywhere."

FUCKYOUGETMEAPASSPORTFORTHENNIGGA?!

lol I'm fairly certain I'm going to stop talking now. There's nothing at all to do, so I think I might just go to sleep. How lame is that? Blehh, welcome to my life. Night loves.

-A.

"Now every club promoter wanna bid like auction//cus we pack shows, Cel-tics like Boston"

Lets make something plain: I am not the baddest bitch. I'm definitely more like your average bitch. But I'm okay with that, so does that make me a little closer to the baddest? I don't know. To be honest, the whole "swagger" concept, confuses the hell out of me. Its like that word was just born in 2004. Popped up again in '06 and now everybody's tryna go all extra hard && be "swaggerful". Honestly? Sit that shit the fuck down somewhere when it comes to me. Like forreal, miss me with it entirely. People with too much "swag" work my fucking nerves. Wanna know why? I'll tell you.

Swag got muhfuckas thinkin its okay to be conceited and generally rude. Oh, swag makes it okay to be an asshole? Fuck outta here. Swag got muhfuckas thinkin its okay to be disrespectful? Fuck.out.of.here. What thee fuck happened to respect and tolerance? Like, I know I might sound like a "lame" (another concept thats going straight over my head, I'm not just like you so I'm lame? Right.) but honestly? Ain't your mother teach you manners? Ain't she tell you all the little kids weren't gonna be like you, and you had to be okay with that? "swag" is getting just as bad as racism, you ask me. Oh, you have permission not to talk to someone because you've decided you know everything about them? Iono. Honestly, I don't. I'll shuttup. But really? Just like, think on it.

Kash was talkin the other day about biting. And to be honest? I'm guilty. I'm not good at not being liked. I know that sounds pathetic. I don't have a problem with that seeing as no one's reading this. But honestly, honestly, it feels to me sometimes like if the only thing preventing me from talking to this whole slew of people who seem so damn fascinating, the only thing preventing me from speaking to them is the fact that my blog layout isn't ridiculously savvy, then shit, I'll make a savvier layout. Small price to pay? Blah. Guess thats what people do when they're being discriminated against. It kinda sucks to realize you really are the type to turn your back on everything you though you believed in just to be accepted.

I said in the other blog, a while back, that I was slowly but surely tearing down all the old stuff and building something new. And I'm still very much doing that. But I can't necessarily consider the old stuff torn down if I can't even say it. If I can't even talk about it, to my damn self lol. So here we go:

There was a time, there are still times, when I'd sacrifice what I think, to be accepted.
I occasionally stretch the truth to sound "cooler" - No one listens to someone with nothing to say.

Those are the two major problems I'm dealing with now. Slowly but surely.

This blog was inspired by, and originally supposed to be about, Nikki Minaj. Cus I'm not the baddest bitch, and she's wanna those extra swaggerful people that I have a feeling would bother me if we met in real life, but you can't say that bitch ain't got punchlines out the ass.

"Cel-tics like Boston"? come on now.

I need to put some music on this blog.
-A.

The problem with secret blogs is that no one can help you make bomb ass banner for it, so you're stuck doing it on your own. I'm no good at it. I think I'm just gonna put a template on this one cus its not like it really matters. And then from there I might spin it into something new. Who knows. Blah.

So I opened at the theater today. Worked from 10:15 to 5:20. Stayed for little while so I could be there when he got there. But by the time he did I was in really bad mood and I didn't really wanna talk; &+ he was running late. So I saw him, and then I left. Now I'm home. I'm watching Psyche with Godfather and Aunty Isha. I don't really watch tv like that so I'm just kinda sittin here.

Myspace is so lame. lmao. Tryn figure out why I'm so incredibly addicted to it. I've been wanting to redo it, but I once again, don't feel like creating anything. I'll probably just put a layout on that too.

I had a dream the other night, that D'Angleo finished the beat, and I got the converter for my mic, and recorded the song. And in my dream, when it was finished, the first person I sent the song to was Jay. For the simple fact that I know that nigga'll tell me the truth. If nothing else.

He never talks to me anymore. Well, rewrite: He never really talked to me. I don't know. I'm paranoid about people now. I don't want anyone around who hasn't proved their worth. He hasn't. Thats real. I would delete him again, seeing as he doesn't speak its not like he'd miss me or anything, but then eventually I'll tell someone I deleted him, and he'll throw a temper tantrum. Which I'm really not in the mood for. Here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna try again. -boxes him

I'm madd hungry. Actually, more thirsty. I think I'm going to get something to drink. I'd love to see a movie. Seeing as they're free. But I don't really feel like moving. Blah &+ a half. G'night.

-A.

Thats a pretty blog name. I'm actually thrilled with it. I'm equally thrilled with the thought of starting a new blog for the simple fact that I wrote for far too long for the pity and/or respect of other people. I thought maybe if they knew what I went through, they'd understand, cut me a break, something. I'm realizing that they don't. I'm realizing that nothing I can say will make them understand where I'm coming from, and make them respect the hustle. Walkers don't do much talking, cus they're too busy talking. I realized I've been talking too much. To the wrong people. About the wrong things. Its all good though. I'm on track now.

I think I'm going to keep him. Like a puppy who followed me home one day. But seriously, I think I'm going to keep him. He makes me feel safe, and he tells me the truth, and he's unbelievably sweet, and no matter what happens when we're together I feel like its what was meant to happen. And I mean that in the least cliche way humanly possible. I adore him. Really. Whenever I'm with him I think:

"The sweetest thing I've ever known, is like a kiss on the collarbone."

He makes me wanna sing it, all the time. Because he's just so painfully perfect I can't get over it.

I tell you, the blog, all the time that I'm going to get better. That everythings magically going to be the way it should. That I'm magically going to become the person that I should be, and abandon the person I am. I never come through. So this time, I'm not going to say it. I'm just going to show you.

I realize now, I've been talking too much.

-A.

I'm done blogging. I've discovered there's no point. So uhm, bye.

-A.

Rewrite: Yall know I ain't stop blogging lmao. I'm just no longer blogging here. I refuse to delete the blog though, yall know i'm in love with this link. The other one is equallyyyyy sexy. Ask about it =]

One of those blogs I try not to write too often. One of those scared blogs.

My mom got taken off the medical insurance. She's diabetic. She doesn't have her pills. Her blood sugar is going up higher and higher each day. She's trying to work out to keep it down, but it keeps going back up. Ig it gets too high....if it gets to high yall.....she could die.

Its 297-315 over the counter. I don't have that much money. I'm scared. I'm really really scared.

And thats all I'm saying about that.

Thee blogs redone. I like it. Thee playlist changed.
1) Lost (acoustic version) - Coldplay
2) Showtime - Ace da Vinci
3) Let Me Get This Right - Ne-Yo.

I don't have anything else to say.

Mom: We should google him to make sure he's not a registered sex offender.
Me: Mom ; they'd have to inform everyone at the theatre if he was a registered sex offender.
Mom: We should google him anyway. I'm trying to be okay with this Ash, but you know I'm paranoid. Lets just google the boy so I'll feel better.

So we googled him. Like some damn twelve year olds. And you know what we found? Well...he's not a registered sex offender.

Him: Hello?
Me: You wrote a book.
Him: I did?
Me: Yes! You wrote a damn....book!
Him:Oh..that...it was years ago. Don't read it.
Me: I already am. I'm not stopping now.
Him: Oh. Okay. Well, wait.....
Me: What?
Him: I'm not a registered sex offender am I?

lol. I don't have anything to say really. I'm out.

-A.

Blog Part One: && I am not ready ; no we are not ready ... && who knew....?

Two related (albeit random) statements of fact:
a) Whitney's Birthday was yesterday
b) I talk to him almost everyday now ; && I adore every minute of it.

I'm honestly beginning to think that she's thee reason why I'm so hesitant about him. Like I don't wanna move, I don't wanna introduce him to anybody. I don't want to bring him around anywhere. I kinda just wanna keep him locked in a corner && that way if it turns out he has a hidden self destruct button, thee only person he takes with him is me. Not that it turns me off at all, but he looks like he comes with a self destruct button.

Not that thats fair. And it probably means I'm not ready to involve myself with anybody. However, I don't even know if he wants to be involved with me in that way anyway. He could see it as just a fling. Thats all anybody else sees me as. I should ask him. Its a hella vulnerable posistion to put myself in though.

Me: Hey , I just wanted to know if this was serious to you, or if you're just tryna fuck.
Him: Oh, uhm, I was actually thinking just that fucking thing would be okay.
Me: Oh.

oops?

a) I believe in myself more than that.
b) I believe in him more than that.
c) He's not thee type to say that. Even if I did ask him directly.
d) I've been wrong before.

Lets move to part two yea?

Blog Part Two: Magic && Miracles.

Samantha && Daniel are together. I'm waiting on pictures. I'll post em as soon as I get em. Thee fact that those two are going to sleep in the same room this evening proves to me that somethings that truly seem impossible really are. I'm so proud of them. I so much admire the leap of faith they took in each other and in the strength of their relationship when they decided to make this move.

I'm such a contradiction. As much as I know thinking about things will bring them to an end faster but I just can't stop. I have to play out every possible scenario until I've talked myself out of moving at all.

And then just when I've convinced myself that standing still is thee best way to go ; I move anyway. I take the worst road possible. It always sucks. lol. Done being depressing.

Samantha and Daniel and Dasia make me believe in magic and miracles. Even if I'm not ready.

But anyways ; he said he was gonna call me back. -scurries off to somewhere quiet with my phone charger

-A.

Before I get into thee mushiness that shall be this blog, I have to vent on some bullshit. You wanna hear some bullshit? You wanna hear some aintthatboutablueeyedbitch bullshit?! Guess what my bitchass A key did? Nah, nah, guess what my BITCHASS A key did?! It leanedddd its punk ass to thee side ; beat the SHIT outta my S key, && now this shit don't wanna work neither. I'm taking it to thee Apple store tomorrow cus this shit is outta hand. -grumbles Fuck you Ace for fuckin up my A key in the first place. I'ma call you Mr. _ce d_ Vinci from now on. Fuck outta here...


On to thee mushiness...lol

It ain't even that mushy ; fuck outta my blog with that bullshit. Me && Kris still on our stone cold gangsetrness thank youuuu very fuckin much. But anyways.

-



Iono man. Like, yea. We chilled today or whatever. Just like, it was nothin. Just like went to his house and laid down. Like, fuck the bullshit. I mean, you know how in the beginnin you steady tryna impress a person. Not that you're putting on a show, you're just constantly on your best behavior && whatnot. Its almost like we're passed that already. Like we seriously went to his house && laid down. He changed clothes. We laughed about how he needs to do his damn laundry. It was just....chill. I mean, to be 100% perfectly honest, the sexual tension was heavy than a muhfucka, but still...I felt...comfortable. && usually I don't. Cus of thee thing. I told him bout thee thing, did I tell yall that? Yea. He knows. I think part of it is that i'm just feeling more comfortable saying it now, feel me. But some if it is actually really him. Like he's just so....magnetic. Like I told Kris. It just clicks. And sticks. And stays.

She asked me if it was like fireworks. I told her it was like flowers opening in the morning. Thats what I was gonna title this blog. Like flowers opening in the morning. But then when he was driving me home...and he kinda stopped, and looked and said "And when its sunny out, I wonder if the sun has always looked like this. Or maybe it was different once, && we'll just never know." && that shit was so bomb to me. Like I seriously wanna write a poem about it. Is that not the bombest line? Come on now. On some:

&& when I feel your kiss
It makes me wonder if the sun has always looked like this

Type shit. Yea. I'm writing that one. After I finish harder to hold on to than your echo. Which I might not even post cus. lol. but anyway.

Thats all I'm going to say. OH! except for this ol bad influence, drunk drivin ass nigga. We split a rum && coke on the way back. lol I was fifteen minutes late for curfew. This is thee second time I've been late. I'm a bad girl. Lowkey miss him already. Keep that shit to yourself tho.

-A.

Sick right? Not finished. I'm madd hungry. This is a random ass blog. 200? Lmao thats a whole lotta nothing. My heart is [..] that much hurt that I'm not linked on Jay's blog. Specially considerin ol temper tantrum he threw to get linked on mine. Hell nah. -boxes edit: Nigga would be idle && unrepsonsive....smh.

Ace broke my A key. Ever since we did tha one yahoo interview that one time, its been broken, but not like out && out broken. Like ghetto ass broken so it'll act like it works for an hour && then stop. Then it'll act like it works for two days and stop. =[ I'm very unhappy. Its all good tho. I'ma go pick me up a sugar daddy && go get my whole shit replace. reall talk.

:-S @ random niggas addin me on yahoo.....

Blahhh but anyway. Its Friday. Batman came out. You seen it yet? Don't say I ain't tell you. Gawsh. Bomb ass movie yo. Great part? I get to see it twice. =D For Free! beautifulllll.

I thinkkkkk I'm done talking now. i'ma put new songs on the playlist. yup yup. + new pics are coming. i'm feeling the itch && stuffs.

-A.

I didn't realize I was even thinking about it that much until I went off on that small tangent in D'Angelo's box a little while ago. Oops? Sorry love lol. I've realized, however, that its not even so much that I like him as much as I like being liked. And I like the feeling of liking someone. If that makes any sense which I know it did. Blah. Not rushing. Sitting patiently. lol.


White People These Days.

So my friend DreShawn got in my box a couple hours ago on some bullshit.

Him: You know I love you right?
Me: No, actually I wasn't aware of that.
Him: Well I do.
Me: When did you come to that conclusion?
Him: A while ago, but I told you that to tell you something else.
Me: Which is?
Him: I'm deploying.

Okay. So he's going to war. Thats depressing as hell and I felt generally bad about it. UNTIL!

Him: Its a shame we could never make it work between me and you.
Me: What do you mean?
Him: I mean, I thought we really could've been a power couple and now I'm going off to war and you may never hear from me again and....
Me: And?
Him: I was just really hopin that you'd consider being my girl now. I mean. I ship out Monday, and I'd love to know that I had you here waiting for me. It might give me a reason to stay alive.



=\. Nigga. I firmly believe that the day I become your last hope for living is the day its time for you to go. Thats pathetic. And really? You thought guilting me into going with you was the way to go? Like.....really? Thats all you got? All that was followed by something loosely along the lines of "wellifimakeitoutalivei'mmovingtoOregon". Pshka. Don't get your hopes up too high. Not like I'm just gonna wait for however long. I have no patience. And I hate waiting.

Anything else? Yes. Batman. No. I won't tease you. Nevermind. Just....Gah. Go see it. Its magical. Goooo see it. Immediately. I'm talking midnight shows. I'm talking standing in long ass lines to get the best seats humanly possible. GOSEEIT. It kinda hurts that I have to keep it from my family that I saw it. The kids now. The kids being Elmo && AnnMarie. Mom knows cus she doesn't really care but Goddaddy && Aunty Isha....smh. It would break their little hearts.

I need new blog friends. I shall find them =]

I don't think I have anything else to say. So now I shall....shuttup....=D lol



-A.

I was feeling that blog urge I just have no idea what I'm blogging about yet. I used to post these madd personal blogs that made me feel better for about half a second but then they made me feel like shit cus nobody really cared. Then I transitioned to these madd purposeless blogs about absolutely nothing which made me feel like shit from the jump cus it was like a waste of time, feel me? I think I'm gonna go back to my madd personal blogs. I think. Maybe. Possibly.

Gawsh, inspiration struck me hard the other day, I was determined. I was gone go buy a converter for me mic. Go dig out my keyboard. Get to writing. And recording. I was just gonna put everything behind me and just do it, ya know?

Somethin else struck me hard the other day. Bills. And after the water, and the electricity, and the phones/internet, (yes Jesus thank you, there's internet at my house again) wasn't much money left for converters.

My mom recently became the musician for the church she goes to.
And since she gave her piano away
She's forced to practice on mine.
So i now have no access to my piano
That I just recently dug out of a closet
Three cheers to inspiration
Moving on.

Random: My little sister is making brownies, and they smell really good. And I want one.

Suppose I'll tell yall bout my date now. I don't go on those often. I'm shy lol. I don't socialize well at all. I'm not good at like subtle hints and things of the nature. But anyway. Yea. Milkshake kid. Came to the house, picked me up, we went to get some food, went back to his place, watched nightmare on elm street, went to the park, played on the swings, came back to his place, and (SERIOUSLY, LIKE THIS IS NOT CODE FOR ANYTHING) hella fell asleep. Woke up, drove me home. Thee end. Pleasant little evening.

It was good enough to make me not too upset that I missed the interview.

That is, until I heard the interview.

Not that it was per say, bad, so much as it was....Blah whatever. I wish I could've listened in, cus I feel like somebody needed to be keeping it on track, and nobody was.

Random: I got the brownies, they are bomb. && I really wanna watch Dexter's Laboratory right now. Like really.

So anyway. Thats whats up with me right now. Whats up with you?

-A.

That was thee saddest commercial I'd seen all day. Know what I hate? People that comment on that like well he shoulda got a job. I mean like, I understand that you've got to take a certain number of steps to get where you want to go, but when you trip and fall sometimes its nice to have someone to steady you. And if you fall down, and stay down, don't you want somebody to care? Gawsh people these days are so out for themselves. Thats the real problem with our society today. Not childhood obesity or terrorism or any of that. Just the fact that nobody cares about anybody else anymore.

Whatever. I actually honestly don't feel like blogging. I think I'm going to go sit up in my closet, my pitch black dark closet, and dream. With my eyes open. And out loud.

-A.

Ughhh. The monthly bleeding has begun. NOT that you necessarily needed to know that, but it was a pretty solid heads up just in case you get snapped on for something random later. Can't say I ain't warn you, right?

I was listenin to Illdividual radio earlier. That was a bomb show. Talkin about gays && lesbians and whether or not you should love people regardless or whatever && this one dude on there was talkin about his sister who's a a lesbian, && how he just thought it was so disgusting that he couldnt' even speak to her and he just despised her lifestyle and blah dee blah blah. And I was dyin cus I was thinking about Elmo. Like, I don't know if yall know about Elmo but thats my older sister, she's linked on the blog, she's lesbian, she's doing all the surgeries && whatnot, && i mean, biblically, I understand that its not what she's supposed to be doing, and its not what God has planned for her, but honestly?

1) I believe that everything you experience in your life, God knew was going to happen. Yes, he gave us free will, but you think he doesn't know which way we're going to go? Or what the outcomes are either way? So no, I don't think God necessarily condemns my sister for the simple fact that what she's going through (no I won't call it a phase in respect of her choices) is something necessary for her to go through in order for her to be the person she was created to be. You have no idea how much strength it takes to be gay in society today. People are just so damn mean.

2) Before she's gay, or lesbian, or whatever term you want to pull out of your stereotypical little hat, before all of that, thats my fucking sister. That love is unconditional. Me and that girl have been through too much shit for me to decide I don't love her because she's decided she wants to spend the rest of her life with a woman. Fuck does that have to do with me? If she's happy then she's happy. And I will personally go upside the head of anyone who has the audacity to try to prevent her from living her life happily.

3) Before she's my sister, she's a human fucking being. And as human fucking beings none of us should allow anyone to be treated as anything less than a respectable person for the choices that they've made. In Gods eyes, all sins are the same, whether its murder or theft. So since I know I've sinned, who the hell am I to tell her that her sin is so terrible that I'm going to disown her? "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone"? I mean shit, you wanna talk bible verses, I'll give you bible verses.

I'm just saying. I was listening to this dude talk shit about his sister. And then she called in and was talkin about how their relationship is, and I was just thinking about my sister. Cus, man. For all the ppl in the chat room talking about how gayness was wrong and she was gonna burn in hell and it was against the bible. Do you realize that out of everybody who says that, maybe one in ten ppl know what the bible verse actually says?! FUCK KINDA BULLSHIT IS THAT?! I'm on one about this if you hadn't noticed cus its so fucking stupid. You're telling me we're gonna throw out every bible verse that says love your neighbor as though he was your brother, every bible verse that says hate the sin and love the sinner, every one that says if your brother betrays you seven times, you're to forgive him seven times seven, every one that says everything about loving each other, we're gonna trade all that in for one that might possibly say something that could be loosely interpreted as [butdon'tlikegayppl]

All I'm saying is, if you have a problem with homosexuality, you need to look your sins in the mirror, work your shit out and then come talk to somebody else. Remove to branch in your eye, before the twig in mine. WHICHISALSO, in the bible.

INOTHERFUCKINGNEWS[yea i know, i'm feelin that caps lock today, partially because the button is broken && i figure if I hit it enough it'll act like it has some sense, yea?]

I'm on the phone with my godfather on my lunch break, where I was standing outside cus it felt mad good and my stomach hurt so I was doing anything that felt mad good and my godfathers like where's the kid that bought the milkshake. [his name is Edan if you needed a refresher, cus I have been callin him milkshake kid for a couple posts now, my fault.] && I'm like he's right here. He's working. && godfather was like you should give him your number. && I was like......


=\

&& godfather was like, no you really should. && I was like....


fuck this, I'm not givin yall the whole story. Short version:

I gave him my number. He called, we're going out Monday. Bowling. I actually love bowling. My grandfather used to bowl daily (RIP) so keep your corny bowling comments to your fucking self thx.

[not that anyone comments my blog, *sad face*]

I actually think I'm going to go rest now. I feel really good about the length of this blog thought...feels like.....we're back[/drake].

A.

Godfather: You have music, on your blog?

I'm mad he said that like it was a foreign concept.

Blah! I'm very very very very very very very very very very very very very very unwell.

And I have absolutely nothing to blog about

And even if I did, I wouldn't tell you.

But wait hold up tho.

Got my check today.

Wanna know how many hours I've worked in the last week?

51 and a half.

I'll be there all day tomorrow.

Text me. Or leave me a message or something so I can smile.

=D

A.

Yea, so lets step out of the bulleted format for a moment. I haven't had space to ramble in the last couple of days. Starting to feel a little constricted. My mom said whats good everybody. She actually did, thats the sad part.

Her: What're you doing?
Me: Blogging.
Her: Tell your blog readers I said whats good.

Mama too hood for her own good lmao. But whatever. She's waitin for Ace interview. Yup, Ma's an Ace da Vinci fan. (you had her hooked from the shea butter) as disgusting as that is. just ew.

I tried speaking to Mr. Adams a moment ago. No response. Just can't conversate with some people. smh.

I actually have nothing to say. Just blogging for thee sake of...yea. Didn't blog yesterday. No net. Made me sad. I cleaned half my room and went to sleep early. After I finished my book. Lmao I'm such a nerd like you actually have no idea. Picture me in my Prada frames reading historical romances in a half clean room in candlelight. && then falling asleep. Lmao that was yesterday. All I needed was a glass of wine and it woulda been straight out of a romantic comedy.

Ma also bought me some alcohol at the store today. Well no, scratch that, I bought it, but she provided the much needed identification. Reason 456378 why my mom kicks your moms ass.

Pretty much done. Can I say somethin thats gonna look madd groupie ish but I've just always wanted to say?

Ha! A-C-E I'm Crazy B, ya know?

Lmao yea I'm done.

Jay don't feel left out. You member the million dollar kid gorilla jones story?

=D
A.

∴ Had a date with the milkshake kid today. Blast.
∴ Financially stable. I mean me, not my family. My shit is paid for, with a little somethin on the side. So take that.
∴ My GPA was less than 2.0. I can fix it tho. Oh, shit, speaking of. Dammit!!!
∴ I've thought the mathematical symbol for therefore was sexy since I first saw it in 8th grade
∴ <-- thats what that is btw.

Random Convo!!
Him:I was a dork in high school. I never really knew how to start conversations. It'd go like this. I'd be like, in my head, "I really want to get to know this person." And so I'd walk up to them and say something along the lines of: "Hi. I see you're wearing blue today. Very pretty color. Blue. Except for like, corpse blue, thats not exactly a......yea....I see this conversation isn't going the way I'd planned. I'll just talk to you later." Everyone thought I was a stoner. But I never smoked =[
Me: See, that would've been fine for me, cus I probably would've said something along the lines of: "No, corpse blue is about where the attractiveness of the color reaches its end. But corpse blue actually wouldn't be a very bad color, if it wasn't on a corpse. You know. Its kinda like lightening blue, just less pretty."
Him: And more dead.
Me: Well yea, theres that.


Lmao. That made me giggle. Lots.
A.

• Gotta be at work in 8 hrs. Which means I've gotta be up in 6.
• Fourth of July used to be my favorite holiday. It didn't quite live up to that today
• Wanted is good. I know I'm late, but it is.
• I know when to take a step back, its just easier to fall forward. I'm stepping back now.
• Don't really see the point in blogging anymore, can you tell?
• "And alls well that ends okay, so I'ma end this shit with a 'fuck you' but a 'have a nice day'."

A.

I miss Sammy, Danny, Kris, Khiry, Jazzy, Brandon, Earnest, Jarell punk ass who I don't never even talk to. But yall remember the days I'm talkin about. Well maybe you don't, cus yall ain't even readin this right now.

I miss when we used to talk shit about everybody. Like flash back to when Sams blogspot URL was still dayummsam, && she wrote that blog about Diamond && Gabby && them. Member that? Flashback to when we used to call that female aluminum foil. Flashback to making a blake in the middle of the day cus invitation codes sounded sexy than a muhfucka. I still sign on blake everynow and then, but nobodys ever there. Flashback to when I massed Brandon not knowing I went to school with this nigga in LA. Flashback to when I dated Earnest. Flashback to when I talked to Jazzi more than Sam. Flash back to when I hated Sam cus Khiry made her sound crazy as hell, && I just wanted to take him from her so bad. Mann. Flash back to when I thought Kris was too mature for me to talk to. Lmao, flashback to when I thought Darian was an asshole. Just flash the fuck back for half a second. && then meander your ass on back to the future, && try to figure out where it all went.

I'm so happy for Sam & Daniel. Yall are gonna do it so big. They said they was gone make me a video yall. Thats whats up right? Honestly, me && Brandon && Earnest don't even talk like we used to. I mean forreal, I used to get a text from earnest everyday, now its like once a week. Ion never talk to Brandon for more than 8 seconds. I ain't never used to talk to Darian, now he havin light night conversations at least once a week cus it ain't nobody around thats worth talking to. Its all just, changed, and I don't even know when, or how, or most importantly, why.

I didn't give a shit about anybody at my last high school. I didn't know them, and they didn't know me. I didn't want to know them and they didn't want to know me. I did my thing and went home, and when I transferred to college, I kept in touch with ONE person, and I don't even forreal talk to her, just a nod if I see her at the mall, feel me? But when it comes to yall, I feel like I just graduated. I feel like I just finished high school. And it hurts. And its scary. Cus I'm going somewhere new and very few of yall are coming with me. And I don't want to make new friends. Lmao. Yall know I'm bad at that. I can't initiate. I need somebody to take the lead, I fall in step pretty fast but man...

I feel like I'm going somewhere, && yall can't come with me. Ain't it a shame?

If you didn't know, a lot of my blogs are written as I think them . Like really, a lot of the revelations are coming as I'm typing, && I'm just sittin here, like wow.

I'm not even tryna be on some condescending shit. I'm not saying that the road you're going down is the wrong one, or its not worthy of me, or no shit like that. Not at all. Please believe me when I tell you, not at all. But honestly, blah. We're going separate ways. && its gone hurt to do, but let me call out the people who're really on the path with me right now.

D'Angelo.
Samantha.
Darian.

smh @ thats it.
Brandon, if for some strange reason you're reading this, you're not gonna be a rapper. And if for some reason you do become one, you're gonna be like the.....Ray J of rappers. Except for minus the minute sexiness Ray J used to have when he was just Brandy's little brother.

Earnest, you'll never be a rapper either. Come on now yall. Life is too short, especially in the hood. Don't waste your time. Be forreal.

Zula! Where'd you go? You on your grownup. I respect it. Blah. I want you to roll. Forreal, you're the only one I'm really hurtin for. You + Daniel. But it seems like you don't have time to maintain online friendships. Like we take the back burner to everything else you've got goin. Its understandable. I mean, if a trains comin, I can't save you. I'm halfway across the country. I get that. But it hurts, feel me? Cus I was there for you, before some of the bullshit in my immediate life, I was there for you. && you just kinda disappeared on me. Like you ain't got every form of communication other than knocking on my door. Like, no homo, but my heart is trippin. All love tho.

Daniel. My Macaroni, My breastie. Man, I remember last year, Sam had no net, && me && you were just chillin online. && the whole world seemed like it was fallin apart without Sam. But me && you were cool. Macaroni && Cheese && blue koolaid. Listenin to Ne-yo's first album. I remember when I blogged about the baby. And then I deleted it. But you read it. && you just gave me a hug >:d< && told me you were there for me. Damn. Like did you know how much that meant? How much that still means? But its like you're gone now. I understand that you're making your moves && I'm so proud of you. So proud. Like, my little brother's becoming a man. && you're gonna be great at it. && you're gonna be a great father. You already are a great father. && when you get that unlimited text don't act like you don't know my number. You're welcome on the path I'm on any time Breastie.

Am I missing anybody? No.

I hate the position I'm in cus I'm open. I honestly don't know which way to go, so I'm kinda grabbing in all directions in the dark, lookin for somebody to steady me. You feel that pull? Thats my heart. && its crying out for you. Honestly. I'm honestly confused. And I keep talking to God and....gawsh this blog is getting long but man. I need to sort this out. Its too heavy on my heart right now.

Is it strange that I look at myself in the mirror and don't know where I went?

I'm actually done talking.

Smile, somebody loves me? I try so hard. But I'm not seeing it. Yall should tho, smile. Cus i got madd love for each and every one of you just for makin it to the bottom. I'll keep giving and giving and giving. I actually don't know how to do it any other way

A.

I don't even forreal feel like blogging right now. Seems like I've been blogging for days about absolutely nothing. Where'd the people that cared go? Yuck. Whatever. I know. The world doesn't revolve around me. I know other people have shit to do too. I mean just. Gawsh. I know this is gonna sound really whiny and all around bitchy/moany, but I do a fucking lot yo. I'm at work all the fucking time. My doctor made me not take summer school classes. MYFUCKINGDOCTOR. Not my mom, not anybody else. my DOCTOR. said it would be too much on my body if I added that to everything else I was doing. Yall know that choir I sing in? Yea. Its not just a choir. Its a full ministry. We do food drives, blood drives, car washes, community outreach. We minister on the streets, we volunteer and hospitals. I'M VICE PRESIDENT OF THAT SHIT. But yall ain't know that. Cus I ain't tell you. Cus I don't like to brag. Cus I shouldn't have to.

Yall know the last person to say: Ashley, what did you do today?

Me neither.

&& I'm tired of telling you, feel me? I'm tired of rationalizing to myself like oh no Ashley, people aren't gonna remember to ask you about yourself, just tell them, thats okay. Fuck all that. I'm not gonna keep pushing shit on people that aren't giving me anything back, feel me? I'ma just go back to not fucking talking.

Yes. I know I'm sensitive. So the fuck what? I get like this maybe twice a month. You know what I am the rest of the time? Strong. For you motherfuckers. So when your days are bad and shit I can sit for hours just talking about you. Rationalizing out your shit like I really give a flying fuck. Because to talk about me would be selfish, right?

My mama once told me if I kept giving and giving and giving I wouldn't have anything left for myself, and I wouldn't have anything left to give. I never believed her. I always figured God would give it all back to me. Everything I gave, I'd get it all back.

I'm still waiting.

But my faith in that particular aspect is getting rather shaky, cus He also said He only helps those who help themselves.

So maybe I shouldn't care so much about yall?
Maybe, just maybe, fuck all yall.
Yea?
I'm bout there.
Tired of being a good friend.
When I don't have any.
That shit is madd irritating.
Like seriously.
So yea.
Fuck yall.
And if that makes me faithless
Then God forgive me.

A.