(blogging from my mobile device)

Stress is the marijuana of mental illnesses. Its a gateway thing. It can't kill you, but if you give up, the second you give up whatever you're fighting against that's stressing you, stress becomes depression. And if you don't seek help (which most people never do) depression can lead to all sorts of severe mental illnesses which can kill you. None of which i'm interested in trying to spell from the phone.

I typed all that to say.....lmao iono.

What do you do when what you thought you were doing to protect yourself is really just limiting you? Like, you thought that building these walls up around yourself was going to keep you safe and then you realize you've trapped yourself? The answer must sound really easy. I mean, if you made the walls you should be able to break through them right? But actually, that's so untrue. Nobody can trap you better than you because nobody knows you better than you. Nobody knows your fears like you do, nobody. So actually, the walls you create for yourself will be the hardest walls you ever escape from, if you escape at all.

So I've trapped myself, thinking I was protecting myself. And right now i'm realizing that i'm not only trapped, but i'm more open to hurt then I've ever been before. Because the only people I kept close to me were the ones with the ability to hurt me. Not that I don't trust you all, just that I don't. Lol. I can't trust anybody entirely. I'm not there yet. Maybe its not even that I don't trust you, more that I don't trust myself enough to trust you. Makes more sense I think.

And as I work on breaking down these walls I realize that though 2008 hasn't been and probably won't be the dream year I thought it would be, its still a good year. A life built on a shaky foundation was demolished in 2007 and now I have to rebuild. From the ground up, i'm rebuilding. Its not a fun and easy process, and I'll have plenty to complain about, but its necessary, and its good, and I can't wait to see the finished product.

Until then, consider me under construction.
'qone.

Somethin Like An Edit*
Hella later. The phone let me write the blog, just didn't let me post it. Kept sayin it was uploading an invisible video. Ain't that bout a bitch? I'm home now. With internet && things. Was gone for the weekend. At Alyssea's. Did I forget to tell yall that? Funny how summer disconnects your days so it feels like some shit that happend 6 hours ago was like two days ago. Does that happen to anybody but me? Like damn, if you play it right, 24 hrs can be a hell of a long time. I'm done talking now. Night peoples. =]