So now that everybody that sucks at life has been kicked off the premises ; can we talk?

I don't know if you've noticed but I've been in a bad spot lately. Emotionally. Insecurities have been kicking my ass. I know yall hate the sad blogs, skip it if you'd like. I hope you know I don't really write them for you. They're definitely more for me.

You know whats weird? Even when I just wrote in little composition books I got from school, I still wrote all entries just like this: like I was writing them for someone else.

Moving on.

I don't feel like I'm important. I've never felt like I'm important. Oh shit I'm gonna cry. Well, might as well get it out of the way. I don't know what it is. But, no, I don't know. I don't want to blame it on mom. I'm sick of blaming things on mom. I mean, realistically, this has been going on for so long that its probably got something to do with something. But she's done the best she knows how to do with me && i turned out pretty damn good. && I'm tired of having yall think that I don't have the best mom in the world because I do. But when she had me she was 21, && like me, she was always a little old for her age so I guess she felt like life was over before she'd even gotten to live it. Understandable. But in the beginning it was always her && her boyfriends. I've always been self-sufficient. I can handle myself. When I'm hungry I find myself something to eat, when I'm sleepy, I go to sleep.

Funny Story: Once, when I was really little, mom && aunty isha had gone out clubbing or something && grandpa was watching me. && he had fallen asleep watching westerns like he always did, and I was sleepy. But he wasn't awake to put my in my crib. So i got my blanket + Walter. (wat chall know about Walter tho?) && went && crawled under my crib and went to sleep. So when mom && aunty isha get home they're all like Daddy where's the baby? && he's like uhm....

they tore that damn house up. lol. I tell that story better when I'm not sad. but anyway. Moral being I've always been able to take care of myself if there was no one around. && I guess I dug myself into a hole with that. Cus I guess because I was so good at taking care of myself when nobody's around, people took that to mean that I didn't need anyone around. Which isn't true at all. I need people. Sucks so much to say that. I need people.

But the world has gotten so that its not okay for people to need people anymore. Its every man for himself && shit like that. So much pride in the world. People can't just admit they're wrong and move on for the sake of their relationships. They'd rather stay wrong and just replace their friends. Stupid me for not being that kind of person. I need people. I don't know what kind of friendship yall fuck around with, but mine is forreal. 100% & all the way. if I decide that you're my friend, thats it. You don't even have to prove yourself worthy. I trust you. I trust everyone.

But I've got a bad habit of picking the wrong people to keep close to me. A very bad habit. I make friends with people I wish I were more like. I wish I were a little meaner, a little more like fuck the world ya know? I'm not. lol. I'm all the gap poster child walkin around in bright colors singing "whattheworldneedsnowislovesweetlove" && shit. So i associate myself with people that aren't like that, so that maybe it'll rub off on me a little. make sense?

Thats not even where the problem comes in tho. The problem is I'm always scared they're gonna leave. They're gonna see through it && realize I'm not all big && bad && walk out. I mean, thats what I'd do. The big, bad, mean me. Thats what she'd do. So i do everything I have to do to keep them around. Short of fucking prostitution. I get so mad at myself. We're not talking about Whitney but lets use her as an example. The reason we stopped being friends, before the rest of the bullshit, was because I didn't have to balls to tell her all the negative things I thought about her, so I just didn't tell her. But i'm no good at secrets, really, so I told a friend of mine, Jasmine, all the shit I couldn't tell whitney. Then those two got together, realized I was fake as hell, and decided to turn on me. Can't blame em. Wish they hadn't taken that particular course of action. I mean damn, yall can't just jump me like normal bitches? But I see why they did what they did.

Is the picture gettin clearer for you? I'd gotten better. After that whole shit blew over, I'd turned around. I'd decided that I was gonna be myself and that people were gonna like me for me. But then they didn't. lmao i'm really laughing right now. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT CAN DO TO A BITCHES SELF ESTEEM?!!? like gawsh. and then fall came around, and relationships started forming, and I started feeling more like shit cus I couldn't get one. Or i couldn't keep one. && all the dudes that wanted me were the ones I couldn't stand, because, good guys though they may be, they're just not right. I need one thats going to make me face all these damn problems I've got floating around. && the dudes that want me, they don't do that. They're so happy to have me that they'd take me broken. Don't you see something wrong with that? Doesn't it say something about ones self esteem that you don't care if the person you're with is the best they can be, as long as their with you? I mean, I know I'm not exactly the best person to be talking about self esteem here but come on yall...

&& then the ones that I do think are worthy, are taken. Obviously. Cus thats just the way of the world. *shrugs shoulders*

But its about more than relationships. Its about the fact that this effects every single thing I do. Wanna know why i don't talk on the phone? Cus i never feel like anything I have to say is important, so I just don't open my mouth. Wanna know why I allow myself to fail fucking classes in school? Cus i don't feel like I'm important enough to get all A's like I could. And i hate the spotlight that comes with being an A student. I'm not good with spotlight.

WAIT! SEE?! THAT RIGHT THERE!! dammit! i hate myself for shit like that. Can i correct it? Thank you. thats bullshit! i'm damn good with spotlight. let me explain something to yall. Shit. I sing, I dance, I act, I can play just about any instrument you put in front of me if given enough time, I write, novels, poetry, music. When it comes to the arts I'm pretty much the shit. So how the hell can I say I"m not good with spotlight!? Gawd I get on my nerves.

See? you see how this shit makes me try to make me less than I am?

BLAH!.

i told yall i'm tired of blogging the same old blog so I"ma shuttup but I wrote this blog to say:

that I do see the light at the end of the tunnel and the tide is going to change. Because theres no possible way I can talk this much about something and allow it to stay the same.

yuck. never tell me you're going to do something you're not going to do. That was random but...please don't. Cus i'll believe you. And I'll wait. smh. And then feel like an idiot later. Yea...this shits gone have to stop.

'qone.

I really hope this whole song plays lol.