This is gonna be like three blogs in one, so try to keep up yea? I know I'm writing them too fast for you to read them but its not like yall are really all that dedicated to reading them in the first place so shut the fuck up about it. Gawsh, and to imagine I was in a good mood a few minutes ago. While I was walking home from Goddaddy's I decided I was gonna blog. Wanna know what that blog was gonna say? [I write em in my head before I get to the computer most of the time, but anyway]:

Good evening my loves, I just thought I'd drop a note to you seeing as I'm in an excellent mood. It feels like summer outside. Are any of you familiar with how summer feels? You know, when its hot, so you can smell everything three times better, and the sprinklers just went off so everything is kind of damp. When you can still here small children laughing in backyards, and the air is so warm and close it feels like its holding you. Thats what it feels like outside. The only thing missing right now is fireflies, because Oregon doesn't get fireflies. Shame. Anyhow, tomorrow the weather will even out, from the brutal high nineties, back to the pleasant mid eighties. Tomorrow people will go back to wearing clothes, and making responsible decisions. But tonight? Tonight, if your weather is anything like mine, I hope you're out doing exactly what makes you happy, and blaming it on summer. Because it feels too good to not do what feels good. G'night.

Thats what the happy blog was gonna say. I feel a little better even just typing it. But then I came home, and realized the internet was off. And the phones are off. Why? Go head. Ask me why. Because SOMEBODY can't pay bills. So i basically had to hotwire it && I'm stealing internet from the people upstairs. Yay. Fuck ever.

Added to that, I'm sick as a motherfucking dog. And I don't know whats wrong. I've never slept this much in my fucking life. Mira*, I slept in the car on the way to the beach, we went to eat when we got there, I couldn't eat anything, fell asleep at the table in the restaurant, so then I went back to the car and slept while they were at the beach having fun. (mhm. I slept through the beach.) && then I slept all the way back. And you wanna know the fucked part? I'm still fucking sleepy. Ain't that bout a...? But whatever. I think my periods starting. [ew] I know. Let me take this time to share with my male buddies that I actually strongly oppose the idea of PMS. PMS does not fucking exist. It is not my hormones that are making me act like a crazy person, its the fact that I'm gonna be bleeding for a fucking week. I'm sorry, if your dick was going to spouting blood for seven days, I imagine you'd be a little pissed off too. And on top of that, add on the fact that when you're on your period, you can never be legitimately mad at anything. Every single fucking time you get upset, some bitchass individual is gonna ask you if you're on your period. And then when you say yes, they start talking to you like you're a seven year old with fucking down syndrome for the next week. If I get mad at that, thats not PMS, thats me, being mad. Thee end.

Blah. On to one of the few things today that made me smile. And is making me smile right now. We had talked about going to see a movie when we left the beach, so I called into my job to see if we could get passed in, cus usually we're not supposed to get passed in opening weekend. So I call, tell em who I am and this guy Devin tells me to hold while I get a manager. So I'm holding ; && then:
Eden: Ashley?
Me: Yea?
Eden: Oh, uhm, this is Eden. Uhm, I was just saying hi, but uhm, I'm gonna pass you to a manager now.
Me: -laughing Okay.
Him: Okay. Bye.

Cutest shit thats happened all day. lol. Don't ask me why.

Second thing that made me smile :
[ .Darian. ]: u got ice pops?
AshleyyB: yes
[ .Darian. ]: eat 1 and watch a movie wit me :)

He's my favorite.

'qone.

edit*
Sorry ; I just realized that I reverted to another language for a second on yall.
Mira* = Spanish for to look, or see.

Don't ask me why I felt the need to use the spanish word.

Spur of the moment revelation. I'm blogging from my Godfather's work computer, which is, in essence, the same as mine except for he has the version that was made in the UK so some of the buttons are different. That was my disclaimer for any typos, or over usage of the ` thingy, that happens to be right next to the shift key.

But on to the revelation:

I'm realizing that I could very easily fall into the categories that people create in their mind when they think of "hoes". I mean, not that I'm having any, but I enjoy sex and all the excitement and tension that comes with it, but more than that, I respect men who make it known from the beginning that sex is something they need. I hate when people try to skirt around it and act like it doesn't exist when it does. Sex is, actually, one of the main reasons for existence as far as the reproduction aspect goes. So I mean, yea, not talking about it would be kind of silly. I find myself more comfortable with men who are openly sexual because theres less threat there. I know they aren't lying, if that makes any sense. I mean, they aren't leading me on, or beating around any bushes, it is what it is, savvy?

And being in the company of people like that rubs off on you, to the point where I could say that I'm almost like that now. Sex is a part of my life, && i'd rather you know its a part of my life now then fuck around and find out three months from now when you're already claiming you're in love with me. Oops than a muhfucka. Sorry sweetheart. But I mean yea, I don't always follow the typical rules people set for what should happen in and out of relationships. Sue me. lol. Actually, call me a hoe. As much as you'd please. I'm alright with that. Cus you don't even know what the fuck you're talking about. lmao. Brandon and Earnest were gm'ing some shit last night about what hoes do and how they hate hoes, && this that && the other. Cold hard fact of the matter is, I've done just about everything that, according to them, "hoes" do. And both of them dated me. And both of them would date me again. Even if I told them I'd done all the shit on there list. hmmmmm.

No but really. Stereotypes are for lames, and they usually leave you lookin pretty much like an idiot by the end of it so...Chea. Try not to create labels and put people in boxes. Only bitch I know that fits in a box is Barbie, && thats cus they made the box to fit her, && not the other way around. Think on it, yea? I'm going to the beach now. =]

If you would like to know how I'm feeling musically, please imeem a song titled Shake It by Metro Station. lol thats my cut right now. Yesh, yesh.

=]
'qone.

Maxie: But if he was standing in the yard with a milkshake already, then your milkshake didn't necessarily bring him to the yard, now did it?
Me: Maybe my milkshake looked like it was getting a little low, so he went to get me a refill ; in which case my milkshake did in fact, bring him to the yard.
Maxie: No, it brought him back to the yard, cus when he was in the yard before, it didn't have anything to do with your milkshake.
Eden: What are you two talking about?

-dead

So this guy from work Eden, randomly walked up to my counter today on his lunch break && said, do you like milkshakes? && I"m like yea. && he's like whats your favorite kind of milkshake? && I'm like vanilla. && he's like okay. So then he walks away. So then like twenty minutes later he comes back up to my counter && is like ; okay so there may or may not be a vanilla milkshake in the break room waiting for you. So I run back there && there's my shake. But it was madd busy so I couldn't even forreal drink it && by the time I got to it, it was melted. However, the fact that he bought me a milkshake, and wouldn't let me pay him back, had my dear friend Maxie (whom I love, did I forget to tell yall about him?) && I talking about how exactly he got in my yard since obviously the milkshake didn't bring him. Twas comedy. But you'd have to be halfway intelligent to get it.

It was really hot today. Like, it was 97 outside. We have air conditioning, but we also have popcorn poppers and warmers and random other things that make it hot than a muhfucka at my job. Lemme just tell you somethin, that you might not have been aware of before. Its cool to get burned by something when its raining outside, or you know its gone be cold for the next three weeks. You can like, rationalize it, feel me? But when its 94 on Friday, 97 on Saturday, and reportedly going to be 101 Sunday, you ain't tryna get burned with SHIT! Like foh really.

So, for a lark, I decided I was gone listen to Lala && them radio show. I already knew that it wasn't really gonna be my cup of tea, but I figured I might get a laugh or two out of it at least. I tune in && errthing, first song ol girl plays: Dance the Night Away - Jay Adams. I'm like looka this nigga && his lil promotion. Why'd you have to leak the only one I ain't like? I'da killed to have heard Baby on the radio. Or Bring it Back. That woulda been gettin my groupie on && shit. But whatever. Lmao I love how I'm typing this like Jay Adams is gonna grace my lowly blog with his presence. pshka.

I'm going to thee beach tomorrow!! I hecka can't wait. I'ma take madd pictures ; && look all sexy in my bikini. lol thats all good.

Weirdness tho ; I'm looking strangely forward to going to work Wednesday ; cus ol dude that bought the milkshake could get it. ;]

In case you were wondering, my cloud is very much intact, I plan on sleeping on it again tonight. And waking up on it tomorrow. And riding it all the way to the beach.

OH!! SPEAKING OF RIDING! get your mind out the gutter tho like seriously. This is like hella in the future and I shouldn't be getting my hopes up but they're talking about giving me Elmo's car and just buyiing Elmo a new one. I'ma be pushinnnnnn. Say again? PUSHINNNNNN. lol in my ol '92 Acura Integra. The sounds on that bitch are insane tho. Lets talk about it. lol.

I'm tired. I'ma get at yall later. Call me loserface. Mhm. You =]

'qone.

I've never had to tell a female to get like me, they automatically assume that position.

I'm feeling so very extraordinary right now. My cloud nine is a bit too high for you to comprehend. But I do honestly wish you could join me. I would extend my hand, but I think the stress of your life would lower my cloud, and I can't allow you to bring down my high. So sorry. Maybe next time? After you've learned how to let the world go for a while.

Life gets good when you let go of the world for a while.

I don't look like what I've been through.

Or do I? Does it show? I've always wondered that, so you who know what I'm talking about please let me know. I've always felt like it should show, like no matter how high I go, or how much I accomplish there should be a mark of some kind showing that I've been through hell to get where I am. I've spent the majority of my life trying to figure out if I should be proud or ashamed. Finally, I came to the conclusion that it didn't make much sense to be ashamed. If the scars going to show then the scars going to show, I might as well wear it as a badge of honor. There are people who couldn't smile after everything life has done to me. Even if you know the worst part, you still only know the half, or an even smaller percentage.

Either put up with it or let it go

People talk a lot about how they've never had friends that stuck with them through the thick and thin, through the good times && bad times and blah. I'm luckier than them. I've had friends who have stuck with me through all kindsa shit. Like really. But what do you do when you've got that kind of friend, and you know that they're a good friend, but you don't click with them anymore? Yall can't talk anymore. What do you do? How do you move on from that? You always end up having the same conversation about the old days. About how good it used to be ; and no one cares to point out that it isn't that way anymore. You just let yourself live in the past. What do you do? Do you maintain that friendship just for the sake of it being a friendship? How to you broach the subject. Someone tell me how to say, "I'm sorry love, I think I've outgrown you" nicely.

Gravity, stay the hell away from me

This cloud and I are making very good friends. I think I'd like to sleep on it. And wake up on it. And spend my day on it, and then come home and sleep on it some more. Yes, that sounds lovely. I've one more subject I'd like to address before I put that splendid plan into action.

Hypothetically, of course, are there some things better left unsaid? Or would you wanna know instead? Hypothetically, of course, are there some wars not worth fighting? Some tears not worth crying? Hypothetically, of course, if all of this happened to you, what would you want me to do?

I wrote a piece of a poem today. I want you to know that the particular hypothetical situation I've put myself in, its kinda fun to write in that situation, so if you're following that, keep in mind that it is indeed hypothetical, and, as of this particular moment in time, has no intention to coming to reality. However, if it does, I guarantee you'll be the absolute last person to now. cus thats the fun part. =D

'qone.

OCD. lol. I changed the blog again. If you can figure it out, which I'm pretty sure all of you smart cookies can, you'll notice thats its veryy pretty =].

[memorylane]First time I put a template up they had this section for your IM names && stuff ; && I ain't wanna put my yahoo down, cus you know, stalkers && whatnot. So in the lil section I put down mindyour.fxcking_business. Then I stared at it for about ten minutes, and then I was like Sam! You think mindyour.fxcking_business is too long to be a yahoo sn? && she was like nah. Thats rude is hell tho. && I was like I know right? && the next day, my yahoo sn was born. Lmao. Its completely stalker proof for the fact that a person looking at it would think it was a joke. lol. There's only been ONE person who saw the name and added it without me telling them first that it was real. <3threecheersforD'Angelo. lol rest of yall are lame.[/memorylane]

ITS MY DAY OFF!! Omgah. My last day off was Sunday. My next day off will be Sunday. && my next day off after that will be Thursday. Thats right children, I work every day except Sunday and Thursday. Whoo hoo for my check. Boo hoo for my fuckin feet, yo. That shit is painful.

I'm trying to figure out what Growl is and why my computer keeps trying to update it. I think its an Adium thing. But seeing as I'm not even forreal using Adium right now.....

Back to it being my day off. I'm reorganizing my room. Like thats the goal for today. Cus maybe if I clean everything out && whatnot, I'll find my phone charger. Where that bitch went? No clue. But my phone is dead and thats not the business so. Yea. Sorry much if you've been trying to get in touch with me. Anyway, when my godfather gets off work, we're going shopping. Mhm. He's taking me shopping as my graduation present. We went to the mall on Sunday, but we ended up not buying anything cus we ain't get there till an hour before the mall closed. So we're going again today. Yay.

When yall were little, do you remember going through a stage where every time you did something wrong you thought your parents hated you and they were going to get rid of you? I remember going through it. I'm pretty sure my little sister did too. My little brother's going through it now. Every time he does something bad, which is rare, he completely freaks out and starts screaming about how we hate him and goes to hide in his room. He doesn't cry anymore tho. My little brother's a G. But seriously, I'm wondering if thats a thing kids go through or if its just a thing kids in our family go through. Kids in our family go through some fucked up stuff in general so it wouldn't be rare.

Yesterday, I was told I was awesome for no reason. That should happen more. Not even just to me. Like no conceitedness. People should be told that they're awesome for no reason. *Goes around telling people they're awesome for no reason* Thats a damn good feeling. Problem is, some of yall are too suspicious. You gone walk around for the rest of the day looking over your shoulder if I tell you you're awesome for no reason. Damn shame. I'ma still do it tho. =D

Have I written enough? [NEVER!!!]. But yea, for now. I'ma shuttup. Wish me luck wif shopping && things.

Oh, speaking of luck. You're probably out of the interview by now, at least you should be, its like five, but I hope you didn't last night get in the way of focusing on today. As far as the interview goes, what you want isn't always what you need, and what you need is very rarely what you want, but I still believe it all happens for a reason. As far as everything else, you know you've got me when ever you just randomly need to vent. You got my house number now and everything. Don't stalk me :-S

=D
'qone.

Ion write reviews no more so uhm...

Mr. Smartmouf

We all know Smartmouf Ent. && its mouthpiece, the prolific Ace da Vinci, are gonna blow up. And if you didn't know that, figure it the fuck out my nigga cus you're behind. Because it would take all day, I won't talk about the whole mixtape and my feelings on it, I'll just point out a couple tracks that deserve special recognition in my eyes.

Chasing Rainbows<3 - We were both half sleep on yahoo when he was downloading the track for this, && he let me hear it. Thats that exclusivity. But this song is heartbreaking and beautiful. Its hard as hell to say goodbye to someone you love, and if I ever did, or had someone say goodbye to me, I hoped it was half as beautiful as this. Lyric: And I know regret is bad for health, but sometimes I gotta ask myself, was it somethin that I said? Or maybe somethin that I wrote. I always ramble in my head. But when I talk I choke.

Matinee<3 - I like this song for entirely selfish reasons. I mean, great use of the Alicia Keys instrumental. Its always a struggle to rap over a beat that someone else has already made famous. The fact that I didn't feel the need to start randomly singing "You don't know my name" is a testament to Mr. da Vinci's originality. But I adore the song cus I hella feel like he's talking to me. a) title is matinee, I work at a theatre. b) [&&itsabigb] Lyric: I don't know if Leos compatible with Capricorn, but my colors blend well with what you have on. [SUBLIMINALS!] lmao. Jokes ppl.

Mr. Smartmouf<3 - This song is funny than a muhfucka just for listenin to Jay ol huge ass talkin shit through the whole thing. As far as Ace is concerned, some of his punchlines were unexpectedly predictable. For him. However, predictable for Ace da Vinci is still genius for the rest of these lames. =] Lyric: This shit is for the birds, every simile is bread and seeds, so feed until your appetite is fed.

Okay yea I'm done.
Exhale made me feel extra special. No nigga, you don't call me back. But its cool tho.
Last Minute is my anthem. "Cus everybody doubts that I'll tell you to your face what I've gotta tell you because I'm known to wait." Yup yup.
The Truth was crazy for the simple fact that, I mean shit, how many ppl you know can come behind Nas, && have that shit not sound lame as hell? I only know one =]
When I borrow ppls cars ; Cha Ching is that song I bump hella loud down the streets in the suburbs. Lmao, yea, that was a compliment, in a me sorta way.

BUT I'M REALLY DONE NOW!!
[thinkinaboutmakinoneofthoseblogtalkradiomabobthings.whatchallthink?]
wrote a poem today.
Nope, you can't read it.
=D
'qone.

Blah. Changes? None. Adjustments? Plenty. Changed the blog. Took it off private. I think I'ma change it again though cus I don't like it now. Even tho the pic at the top is madd pretty. Ooh I redid my wallpaper && icons on the mac. You guys didn't see it before but it was hecka plain && like boring && things. && now it looks like *screen captures*

this
I ♥ it. =D


Uhm....other than that? Nothing really. I recorded a new youtube video today. How Could An Angel Break my Heart by Toni Braxton. BY far the best I've ever done if you ask me which you didn't but thats okay cus you're reading my blog which means you pretty much asked my by default, feel me? Yea.

So right now I'm sitting in Goddaddy && Aunty Isha's room. Goddaddy's sleeping and Aunty Isha just got home from the mall. They ain't get me nothin. Freakin losers. Ooh, she said she went to the gym today. I need to go do that. Yea. I also need to clean my room.

I got movie posters from work today. Fracture, Match Point, && The Great Debaters. Bet yall ain't heard of one of those. Lmao. I'ma movie freak. I know. But whatever.

Pretty sure I'm done blogging. Pretty sure I'ma redo my blog now. I saw this other one picture on deviant art. Yea, its got pretty colors. I think I'ma use that one. Mmkay? Mmkay. I'm also bout to randomly link madd ppl on this blogger. Do not ask me why cus I honestly don't know.

Changes? None. Adjustments? Plenty.
=]
'qone.

(blogging from my mobile device)

Stress is the marijuana of mental illnesses. Its a gateway thing. It can't kill you, but if you give up, the second you give up whatever you're fighting against that's stressing you, stress becomes depression. And if you don't seek help (which most people never do) depression can lead to all sorts of severe mental illnesses which can kill you. None of which i'm interested in trying to spell from the phone.

I typed all that to say.....lmao iono.

What do you do when what you thought you were doing to protect yourself is really just limiting you? Like, you thought that building these walls up around yourself was going to keep you safe and then you realize you've trapped yourself? The answer must sound really easy. I mean, if you made the walls you should be able to break through them right? But actually, that's so untrue. Nobody can trap you better than you because nobody knows you better than you. Nobody knows your fears like you do, nobody. So actually, the walls you create for yourself will be the hardest walls you ever escape from, if you escape at all.

So I've trapped myself, thinking I was protecting myself. And right now i'm realizing that i'm not only trapped, but i'm more open to hurt then I've ever been before. Because the only people I kept close to me were the ones with the ability to hurt me. Not that I don't trust you all, just that I don't. Lol. I can't trust anybody entirely. I'm not there yet. Maybe its not even that I don't trust you, more that I don't trust myself enough to trust you. Makes more sense I think.

And as I work on breaking down these walls I realize that though 2008 hasn't been and probably won't be the dream year I thought it would be, its still a good year. A life built on a shaky foundation was demolished in 2007 and now I have to rebuild. From the ground up, i'm rebuilding. Its not a fun and easy process, and I'll have plenty to complain about, but its necessary, and its good, and I can't wait to see the finished product.

Until then, consider me under construction.
'qone.

Somethin Like An Edit*
Hella later. The phone let me write the blog, just didn't let me post it. Kept sayin it was uploading an invisible video. Ain't that bout a bitch? I'm home now. With internet && things. Was gone for the weekend. At Alyssea's. Did I forget to tell yall that? Funny how summer disconnects your days so it feels like some shit that happend 6 hours ago was like two days ago. Does that happen to anybody but me? Like damn, if you play it right, 24 hrs can be a hell of a long time. I'm done talking now. Night peoples. =]

GAHHH!!!

lol

You ever had a nigga make you wanna go shoppin? Knowin its nothin wrong with the shit you already got but you just wanna be better? Feel better? Look better? Is that just some shit that happens to me? Lmao! Like seriously tho. You ever wanted to upgrade your damn self for a person you're not even with yet? A person you might not even ever be with but you just wanted to be perfect, just in case? Nah nevermind, that sound like some shit that only happens to me. But anyways.

GAHH!

Nigga why you gotta be so perfect for? Not the business. I wish he was just another one of those niggas that I could just fuck around with you know? One of the ones that I'm with when I'm with him && then when I'm not with him I'm not even thinkin bout him, feel me? BUt he's not like that. Nope, not a bit. He's like air. GAWD THAT WAS CORNY AS FUCK!! he's like air tho. Like everywhere at once && without him I'm.....gahh.

I'ma shuttup now before I say some extra corny incriminating ass shit thats not gangsta. Lmao me && Kris are being gangsta this summer. We only get to be corny to each other, the rest of yall muhfuckas get the STONY ASS GANGSTANESS!!! feel me?

Yesh, yesh you do.
=]
'qone

Ashley's Poetry Corner

Martyr
by Ashley Bennett

she said she doesn't wanna be the solution
Its hard to breathe in all this emotional pollution
She wants to scream but she's choking on your hopes and dreams
And crying tears of all the things you've told her you can't be
And she doesn't want to tell you that you can any longer
She's tired of telling you that you're stronger
Its not fair to put your hopelessness on her
You see she's giving out love by the pound
And when she don't get it back, she only feels let down
But she can't stop now
Its how she steadies herself
When her world gets topsy turvy its enough that she can help you
To get through
It makes her feel a little less resentful
of all the trials that make her life a little too eventful
But whats gonna happen when her heart breaks
&& when all the drama's too much for her to take
Will you step up and become the one she needs
or just turn and leave
Honestly she yearns and bleeds
For someone who won't just give up
When the shit gets rough
She's always thought that she deserved that much
But you're proving her wrong daily
And its driving her so crazy
Cus the weakness she's feeling makes her feel like less of a lady
More respectable maybe
If she just doesn't complain
and just does it again
Leaves her feelings out in the rain
And plasters on a warm smile for your behalf
Because whatever in your life you want
She'll help you have.

Is it just all around not a good night? Or is it just me?

Yea, the Lakers lost. The green && white confetti fell from the sky. I'da been an idiot to think we were gonna win in Boston. Congrats to em. I'm not a sore loser. I'm just trippin, rememberin the days when the Boston Celtics goin up against the Los Angeles Lakers was laughable, feel me? Moving on.

Blah. I dunno. Feels like we're growing apart maybe? Conversations that used to last all day now can't be held for more than ten minutes. You know what I mean. Can't help but feel like I'm being left behind. Or maybe I'm moving forward, and you're being left behind? Don't know, but whichever it is, I wish it wasn't. Maybe we should all stop and smell some roses. Chitter chatter about the old days. Yea? I think.

The heavier this shit sits on my heart, the more I want my tattoo. But the heavier this shit sits on my mind, the less sure I am of which tattoo to get. And the less sure I am, the less I want a tattoo. I have no intention of getting some meaningless, spur of the moment type shit permanently inked onto my body. I just feel like I'm being pulled in more than one direction and I honestly don't know which way to go. And if I did I still don't think I'd go that way.

For someone who hates pain as much as I do, I sure do hurt myself a lot. Maybe somewhere subconsciously I think I deserve it. I could see that.

Major in journalism with a minor in marital psychology. Sound Savvy? Thats me.

And finally, I'd just rather start a problem than fix it. I'd rather be the irrational one. I wish somebody would do an intervention for me. I wish somebody would ask me whats wrong, and make me tell them. I wish I didn't feel like I spent so much time makin yall feel better but when I feel like shit its all good cus I'll magically get over it by myself. I wish I ain't have to feel guilty for typing this shit. I wish I didn't feel like everytime I'm upset about something I'm overreacting. I can't always be overreacting. Eventually I have to have a right to be upset. I wish I knew who did this shit to my head.

I'm hella done talking now.
'qone.

I member when everybody on my blog roll used to blog daily. Them were the days. Now I just feel like I talk to much cus I'm the only person who steadily has absolutely nothing to say.

So anywaysz! I shoula told yall this before but last Friday I got my hair cut. She wasn't supposed to cut it as short as she did but whatever. Its cut. At first I was mad but.....I've been hit on by like 8 ppl since I got it cut, so obviously, maybe its working? Anywaysz, point of the story. TODAY. I'm at work && these two dudes come up to my little ticket taking podium mabob thing. One older looking white guy && one reallyyyyyy tall mixed dude. Neither one of em was especially cute, but the mixed one wasn't ugly, + he was tall so you know the deal. Anyway so white dude is tellin me how mixed dudee wants to get with me. Hate shit like that. THAT NIGGA HAS A MOUTH, but whatever. I'm at work so I'm tellin these niggas they needa go away before I get in trouble. Then my manager calls on the little walkie talkie thingy like oh yea Ashley you can go to lunch. =|. So I go to the break room, change out of my work shirt, && I'm tryna sneak out past em without anybody noticing, so I go back by to clock out, keepin my head down & shit, just cus....blah, ion even know. It was kinda embarrassing, feel me? Like, come on, at my job? This is my place of business, you coulda saved that for outside or whatever. So I'm walkin by em && I hear em like "wait, damn was that the same girl just now?" Bitchass Devin: Yes, sir it was. Blah so they followed me outside, and then we all walked to subway or whatever. Mixed dude, whose name is Alexx or whatever, refused to allow me to pay for my sandwich or whatever. Fine then nigga. So I gave em the number && was like yea whatever I'll see yall later bye. Not cus he wasn't cute tho, in a tall ass chipmunk kinda way lmao. He's got a baby face but he's 6'4 so its awkward. Anyway. I'm thinkin its over. Nope. I get off work, these niggas in the parking lot. Well, I say niggas but Alex was the only one who was half black. [sidebar: saw Justin at his job yesterday, all sexy in that damn uniform. Almost jumped him, and thats so real. + I was cute yesterday too? Nah nigga, I shoulda jumped him....moving on] So they were like come on come to the house && chill with us or whatever. So i did. Shit else to do. Had a blade on me so I wasn't really trippin off them makin me do somethin I didn't wanna do. But they didn't tho. After his friends left, he played the piano for me, Unbreak My Heart by Toni Braxton, which happens to be my audition song, like when I do real auditions, && I might do on youtube later now that I think of it. But yea I sang while he played && it was pretty or whatever. Then we went upstairs && watched a movie, which was cool for the simple fact that he didn't try anything. Then he drove me home.

So that was pretty much it. Yay for my haircut yea? Comment the new myspace pictures if you haven't already.

Lala got one more time to GM this damn blog radio station mabob thing before I go upside her head with a keyboard. Yea. Hadda get that out.

Mmkay I'm done. Byeeesz
=]
'qone.

Wait!! -continues to laugh so hard I cry. Wait! Wait! Wait! Why I was in the car with like 16 other ppl yesterday && that song Like A Pimp came on and I started laughing so hard. OMG. Ion even remember who said it. Or who gm'd it. Or nothin. But somebody was like: When I first heard that song Like a pimp i thought he said "real thugs be dyin on the floor, on the floor, real thugs be dyin on the floor, like a pimp" && he was like "THEY BE DYIN LIKE PIMPS!! :((" THAT was the funniest shit I've ever heard/read in my life. && everybody in the car was lookin at me like i'd lost my mind. Which I probably had a little. Cus it was hot and I was hella sick plus my period started plus my blood sugar was low plus I was runnin off five hours of sleep. OH BUT THAT SHIT WAS FUNNY!!

Moving on.

Hi! Its 12:48pm on Fathers Day. We're getting ready to go take pictures. In theee most SHITEOUSLY ugly polo's I've ever seen in my ENTIRE LIFE. Like, lavandar &&& lime green? Even ZULA BELL Wouldn't be walkin around in those colors, && i gotta take pictures in em. Really? No. Am I the only person that sees the problem with being remembered forever in some ugly ass clothes that you would never actually wear? It seems that I'm the only person that takes issue with that? Let me tell yall somethin, if everybody in my freaking family dies today, and they use those horribly ugly pictures for the group funeral shot, I want yall to laugh. No, its not disrespectful. I want you to laugh, and when they allow time for remarks, if any of yall gets up to speak, I want you to TELL THE PEOPLE THAT I WOULD NEVER WEAR NO SHIT LIKE THAT. Okay I'm done. But yea we're going to take pictures and then we're going to Dinner and then maybe miniature golfing? Bombness. No hiking at the falls. Which makes me sad.

Moving on.

I'm hella random today! Love it. Yesh. I see how yall feel now, when we're talking && I keep logging in and out, cus this nigga D'Angelo is on my nerves lowkey. But its not his fault. The laptop is faulty and old. Smh && things. Blah I don't think I have anything else to say....or do I.....?

RIP to my Chanel bag that broke at Juneteenth yesterday. Its completely repairable as soon as I get repair money, which aint' for a while.

Yea. I'm done. This is kinda longish for me to have never said anything huh? Yea. Its the chocolate for breakfast. Don't ask.

=]
'qone.

Hoes is hella scandalous these days. Looka:

Jun 13, 2008 10:43 PM

alrite babi..
bae i cant stop watchin that video lol
we gota chill I wanna fuck you so bad
babi you got me so fuckin horny
I want ya dick so bad bae
I'll do everything to you
cant wait till I get a chance to wrap my tongue around ya dick and suck you up real good babi I cant wait to jump all over it...you gota come down here asap and get ya pussy daddy

No, that wasn't directed to me. It was on this nigga page that added me today. I went to go see who he was, page wasn't set to private && theres ol' girl, talkin bout how she wanna suck his dick........in comments. =|. His comments wasn't even like ; hidden or nothin. Jus all out, in the open. Dick suckin. Thats a shame. I thought niggas wanted a lady in the streets and a freak in the bed? I mean if she a freak in yo comment box, your non hidden comment box, thats kinda....ho-ish? Am I wrong? Should I not have even read that comment? Nah, how was I supposed to not read the comment?! Second line was I wanna fuck you so bad COME ON NAH! But whatever. Moving on.

Its 11:10pm PST. I have to be up at like 6:30 to pull all this shit off for tomorrow && i still have to clean my room. So basically tomorrow I'm gonna be on no sleep. Did I give yall the rundown already? Well here it is again just in case you don't feel like clicking older posts to see it yesterday. Its probably more on it today than yesterday anyway.

Saturday: 8 Am staff meeting. 12pm Final Rehearsal. 3pm Concert Performance.
Sunday: Still family portraits with the losers (who are going to see the Hulk without me tomorrow, fuckin lames.) Then still hiking with the losers at the falls.
Monday: Mall, to blow the rest of my check. Wait, what? Say it again: To blow the rest of my check.

Iono bout the rest of the week yet. Tryna make it out to Alyssea's. Get a lil tipsy. See my Boo Bear. lol. But right now I need to go clean my room so I can get some fuckin sleep yo. I just really wanted to tell yall about the ho.















Aye...but uhm....am I bad for wanting to see the mysterious video that had her trickin in his comments tho? Ion think I am. What chall think? lol ;]


'qone.

Notice I've been blogging extra heavy lately. + Just sittin on yahoo like a lame. Thats that summer boredom for ya ass. Lmao. I'm mad cus if I see an individual that sits on myspace && shit as much as I have this last week, I automatically assume they suck at life. I'ma have to find me an off the computer hobby.

Rundown real quick:
Thursday:(today) Last rehearsal before the big concert. GAME 4 BAYBEEE
Friday: Drop that one book off at PCC, Pick up check, cash check, spend check, get hair done.
Saturday: Fucking 8 Am staff meeting then the concert.
Sunday: Family portraits with them losers, + maybe hiking up at the falls. I'll take pics if we do that.

&& now a surbeyy. =]

1. what's your nickname(s)? - Ash, poohbear, Boopersz, Shy, Sissy

2. what's your zodiac? Capricorn

3. have you ever been in love? - Blah. Once maybe? Twice possibly.

4. are you attached right now? - Nope.

5. do you love them? - Nope.

6. who is your best friend? - I have several. Jill, Bruce, Sam.

7. when did you lose your virginity? - For all intents && purposes, I haven't yet.

8. who is the fourth person on your myspace friends list? - Alyssea, big sister extraordinaire.

9. do you ever talk to them on the phone? - Text messages.

10. when did you meet this person? - Church. Like Nov. 06

11. have you ever met this person in real life? - Yuppersz. I needa go see her...

12. who do you talk to on myspace the most? - uhm....everybody pretty equally actually.

13. who makes you laugh the most? - Sam.

14. who gives the best advice? - Wouldn't know. Never asked for it.

15. where do you work? - Regal Cinemas.

16. do like your job - Adore it.

17. who spoils you the most your mom or dad? - Mom.

18. do you have any regrets? - Only one.

19. what does the last text in your phone say? - Myspace Alert. New profile comment from.....

20. who sent you that text? - Myspace =]

21. what's the last song you listened to? - Alone : Rock Stea'D

22. who is the last person you saw? - Mom && Munchkapie are with me now.

23. what's the last thing you said out loud? - && If you're not going to talk I'll go find someone that will cus I"m not gonna sit here in silence.

24. what turns you on the most? - Agressiveness && Arrogance.

25. what's the last text you sent say? - I'm gonna pick it up tomorrow when I cash my check.

26. who was the text to? - Ms. Gracie.

27. who is 27th in your phonebook? - Kesha.

28. what color are your pants right now? - Blue

29. what color is your shirt? - Red

30. what are your thoughts at this very moment? - I should write a song....

I ain't got you, and it tears me up inside, no I ain't got you, do you know the tears I've cried, but this time I'm through, though these feelings haven't died, I won't stand here any longer, and when I move on I'll be stronger for not having the cries in the middle of the night when I thought I couldn't take it anymore, and the lies that I told you all the time so you wouldn't walk on out that door, I'd trade it all for the ability to stand without holding someones hand, and to tell the honest truth when I say I'm done with not having you.

Thats so bomb lol.
'qone.

To Whom it May Concern:

Changed the blog again. I like it. Didn't do much of anything today. This is that part of summer, ya know, right after its done being cool to do absolutely nothing, right about where it starts to be irritating, but its not far enough into it for there to be anything really to do. Make sense? I had to get out of the house though, so I went to work to get my schedule for next week. I got the weekend off. So unusual. I woulda thought they fired me if I wasn't working Monday, Tuesday, && Wednesday. This is my first weekend of since May 2nd. The Iron Man opening. Its sad that I mark landmarks in my life by movie openings now yea? Well, I do.

Randomly, the last blog I wrote is becoming a favorite for me. Lol I almost didn't wanna write this one because then I wouldn't be able to come to my blog && just read it. You wanna click older posts now huh? It won't make much sense to you. It was very much for me. It makes me smile.

Blah. Musically I've been kinda all over the place lately sooooo I'm going to go make another playlist full of like thee bombest songs I've heard lately && put em all in the same place. The playlist will look something like:

1) Alone - Rock Stea'D
2) Viva la Vida - Coldplay
3) HipHopSoul - Inverse
4) Hero - Nas
5) After Tonight - Justin Nozuka
6) Let the Beat Build - Weezy
7) PJ & Rooster - Outkast.

Yea. that sounds about right. Okay I'll be right back.

everybody get up ; no no no no get down....

lol yea I'm done.
Till Next Time,
Ashley.

'qone.

edit*
Thee longer I sit here ; the more songs I add to this damn playlist lmao.
8) Blackalicious - Make You Feel That Way
9) Steph Jones - Mr. Ordinary
10) Blu & Exile - Dancin in the Rain

okayy i think i'm done lol. Damn PJ && Rooster for refusing to play. I'll fix that later. I'm going to sleep =]

I think I'm going to write my blogs in the form of letters from now on. I'm better at letters than I am at random rambling. I never manage to stay on my subject. So yea. This is more of a ..... skip this one. lol. Its for me.

Act all extra hard around your niggas, but treat me like a queen. If we're arguing, and I'm wrong, tell me that I'm wrong. If i decide to make a stupid decision, be by my side 100%. If want to cry, let me. If i don't want to talk, make me. If i tell you I hate you, know that I don't. If i tell you I love you, know that I do. I'm not asking you to read my mind, I'm asking you to follow the instructions I'm giving you. If I want to take the lead, let me. If i want to dance, dance with me. Let me take pictures of you. Whenever you leave, hang up the phone, log off the computer, say goodbye. Understand that it'll really hurt my feelings if you don't. Remember what I say. I mean, not everything I say, just the important stuff. Feed me. Oh gawsh, feed me. Cook for me if you can. Jesus. I'll clean up afterwards. I promise. Oh! Understand that I really just don't like cleaning, but I promise you I'll get to it. Really. Lets cuddle. And watch a movie I've seen 50 billion times. I already know all the words. And if I quote em all, its an accident bae, cus I know you hate it when I talk through the movie. Let me drive too fast, and play my music too loud. Let me laugh at things aren't funny. Tell me things that aren't funny for me to laugh at. Lets make love before church. Lazy Sundays are the best, and if its good Jesus won't mind. Lets do it again after church, just cus I'll miss you already, even though you've been with me all day. I wanna watch you work, put your glasses on, I wanna see the wheels turn in your head. Its sexy to me. I want to work out with you. I want to see the power your body has. I want to watch you do what you love to do the most. I want to see it light up your eyes and brighten your smile, and when you look at me, I want to know that the lights equal, if not greater. We've got to go on dates, no matter how long we've been together. I want to show you off. I want all the waitresses and random females on the street to be mad when they see me with you. And vice versa. I want you to want to show me off as well. You don't even have to say you want to, I just want to know you want to. Let me buy you things, I know I spend too much money, but I was out, and it reminded me of you, so I wanted to buy it. Let me buy things for you. Buy things for me. Be out, and thinking of me, and spend to much money, because you wanted to. Leave me voicemails in the middle of the day. Who doesn't love voicemails in the middle of the day? Have a nickname for me, something silly that doesn't make any sense and makes me giggle every time I hear it. If you love me, tell me. If you like me, tell me. If you're falling out of love with me, tell me. If you've never loved me, tell me. Never lie. Allow me to be your better half. Understand that I know you're good all by yourself, and that its more that I need you to make me better than the other way around. I don't want to be a good look, I want to be a great fit. Wow, this is longer than I thought it would be. You know how I tend to ramble. I'm gonna go now but, could you do me one last favor? I know I ask alot. But could you be more than imaginary, for a day or two? That'd be great thanks. If you can't, I understand. I'll wait. I'm patient that way you know. I'll just wait.

Till Then,
Ashley.

'qone.

This nigga is seriously upsetting me. Almost to the point that I can't enjoy my laker win. Fuck outta here nigga. You came at me at a bad time and now you wanna be mad cus you got cussed out? Nigga i said sorry. Twice. But yo feelins hurt? Nigga I was havin a hard time. Yo feelins ain't allowed to be hurt. People have bad days. Get that bullshit outta here. Cus i bet money if we put my issue up against your issue you'd be lookin like you lived ya whole life in a mansion compared to my shit. && thats not some shit I say normally. Cus i understand that everybody's struggle is their own && whats really bad for me could be a walk in the park to somebody else and vice versa but gawsh. Today, a little while after I cried my eyes out for the last time, I started talking, to myself like an idiot but I started talking, and I was just talking about my life. From the beginning to right now and I realized that, spoiled as you wanna call it, I've been through some shit that other people wouldn't be able to think about, none the less get through. And even though I have my bad days, bad weeks, shit bad months, I still smile 87% of the time. I can still laugh. I can still crack jokes. I can still function in the world. Its a lotta people facing what I'm facing that can't say that. So thats something right? Even if I'm not all the back to being a full functioning human being, I'm getting there, I'm trying. && thats something.

There's a sound that strongly resembles human breathing going on in my house, but nobody's here but me...&& it ain't me....:-S

I said happy insightful for the next one huh? Lemme think of something happy insightful. THE LAKERS WON!! whoo hooo. Nope, I never lost faith. Ever. Lmao Earnest a pussy for the fact he stopped answering his phone after the Celtics lost. that was comedy. I swear he needa call up Bernadine from Waiting to Exhale. how to not let your bitch ass name turn you into a bitch ass individual 101 he needs to take a summer school class in that shit cus he failed it the first time. Yes I do still understand the Lakers are trailing in the series. But understand that I never stated that the Lakers would win the series. Lmao thats my home team && i love em to death, but they up against some crazy competition this season. Celtics bench is insane. The niggas they never play could take the Lakers easy if Kobe wasn't playin, thats no disrespect, its just really really real. So like I said, I don't claim that the Lakers will win the Ship. I hope they do, but I understand the reality of the situation. What I said, is that the Lakers were going to win tonight. And was I right? yes. So lets move on. =D. OH! but before we move on, in a completely traitorous move from me, I've gotta say: Fuck Doc Rivers for keepin Rondo on the bench for basically the entire second half. Yea House is a shooter but Rondo's a player. There's a difference nigga. Gettin it right wins championships. Ask Phil Jackson. Shit....

lol I'm such a nerd.

Yall wanna recap on my day? Nope. Good. Lol I'm feelin some Ashanti right now....but maybe with a twist? yea. =]

I LOVE HOW THESE NIGGAS NEVER GOT THE SONGS I WANT!!! blah then uhm.....how bout.....




'qone.

So.....something new, yea?



So basically, i hella didn't know that music was up that loud. I'll remember for next time, if I decide to have there be a next time. Never know && things of the nature.

I'm probably just gonna go chill now. There's nobody to talk to. I hate how conversation dies at a certain hour. Ol bed time havin ass niggas. Aight then, I see yall. Been on my raggae, lol I dance like a Trini guh, or so the Trini's tell me. Lets see if I can find the song.....blah. No i can't. && i'm not boutta put no mainstream raggae type shit on here. fuck that up the ass. I'm basicaly just still typing because the video hasn't uploaded yet. But i hella just made up my mind that there will pretty much never be another one of those ever again in life. Man [random] I WISH YAHOO WASN'T FULL OF FUCKING LAMES!![/random]. But like i was saying, no more video blogs. Ion like em. I talk too long about not a gotdamn thing & then when I play em back, i'm always starin at the screen like....."ion even sound like that". Yea. Video's not for me. Speaking of which! I think I am gonna youtube the really bad Anita Baker impression. yea. so that'll be a treat for those of you who know how to find the youtube channel. Vids done thank god.

Back to insightful blogs for the next one? Probably. Happy insightful tho. We'll stick to happy insightful. Love yall.

'qone.

yall don't really need the links to the poems did you? Ion think you do. But if you wanted it:

[ click it ]



on some edit type shit*


It was 8 years ago yall. But that shit made my cry my fucking eyes out. Guess I can conjure up an emotion. I....yall ain't gone get it. Gahh. I really need somebody to talk to now...

So now that everybody that sucks at life has been kicked off the premises ; can we talk?

I don't know if you've noticed but I've been in a bad spot lately. Emotionally. Insecurities have been kicking my ass. I know yall hate the sad blogs, skip it if you'd like. I hope you know I don't really write them for you. They're definitely more for me.

You know whats weird? Even when I just wrote in little composition books I got from school, I still wrote all entries just like this: like I was writing them for someone else.

Moving on.

I don't feel like I'm important. I've never felt like I'm important. Oh shit I'm gonna cry. Well, might as well get it out of the way. I don't know what it is. But, no, I don't know. I don't want to blame it on mom. I'm sick of blaming things on mom. I mean, realistically, this has been going on for so long that its probably got something to do with something. But she's done the best she knows how to do with me && i turned out pretty damn good. && I'm tired of having yall think that I don't have the best mom in the world because I do. But when she had me she was 21, && like me, she was always a little old for her age so I guess she felt like life was over before she'd even gotten to live it. Understandable. But in the beginning it was always her && her boyfriends. I've always been self-sufficient. I can handle myself. When I'm hungry I find myself something to eat, when I'm sleepy, I go to sleep.

Funny Story: Once, when I was really little, mom && aunty isha had gone out clubbing or something && grandpa was watching me. && he had fallen asleep watching westerns like he always did, and I was sleepy. But he wasn't awake to put my in my crib. So i got my blanket + Walter. (wat chall know about Walter tho?) && went && crawled under my crib and went to sleep. So when mom && aunty isha get home they're all like Daddy where's the baby? && he's like uhm....

they tore that damn house up. lol. I tell that story better when I'm not sad. but anyway. Moral being I've always been able to take care of myself if there was no one around. && I guess I dug myself into a hole with that. Cus I guess because I was so good at taking care of myself when nobody's around, people took that to mean that I didn't need anyone around. Which isn't true at all. I need people. Sucks so much to say that. I need people.

But the world has gotten so that its not okay for people to need people anymore. Its every man for himself && shit like that. So much pride in the world. People can't just admit they're wrong and move on for the sake of their relationships. They'd rather stay wrong and just replace their friends. Stupid me for not being that kind of person. I need people. I don't know what kind of friendship yall fuck around with, but mine is forreal. 100% & all the way. if I decide that you're my friend, thats it. You don't even have to prove yourself worthy. I trust you. I trust everyone.

But I've got a bad habit of picking the wrong people to keep close to me. A very bad habit. I make friends with people I wish I were more like. I wish I were a little meaner, a little more like fuck the world ya know? I'm not. lol. I'm all the gap poster child walkin around in bright colors singing "whattheworldneedsnowislovesweetlove" && shit. So i associate myself with people that aren't like that, so that maybe it'll rub off on me a little. make sense?

Thats not even where the problem comes in tho. The problem is I'm always scared they're gonna leave. They're gonna see through it && realize I'm not all big && bad && walk out. I mean, thats what I'd do. The big, bad, mean me. Thats what she'd do. So i do everything I have to do to keep them around. Short of fucking prostitution. I get so mad at myself. We're not talking about Whitney but lets use her as an example. The reason we stopped being friends, before the rest of the bullshit, was because I didn't have to balls to tell her all the negative things I thought about her, so I just didn't tell her. But i'm no good at secrets, really, so I told a friend of mine, Jasmine, all the shit I couldn't tell whitney. Then those two got together, realized I was fake as hell, and decided to turn on me. Can't blame em. Wish they hadn't taken that particular course of action. I mean damn, yall can't just jump me like normal bitches? But I see why they did what they did.

Is the picture gettin clearer for you? I'd gotten better. After that whole shit blew over, I'd turned around. I'd decided that I was gonna be myself and that people were gonna like me for me. But then they didn't. lmao i'm really laughing right now. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT CAN DO TO A BITCHES SELF ESTEEM?!!? like gawsh. and then fall came around, and relationships started forming, and I started feeling more like shit cus I couldn't get one. Or i couldn't keep one. && all the dudes that wanted me were the ones I couldn't stand, because, good guys though they may be, they're just not right. I need one thats going to make me face all these damn problems I've got floating around. && the dudes that want me, they don't do that. They're so happy to have me that they'd take me broken. Don't you see something wrong with that? Doesn't it say something about ones self esteem that you don't care if the person you're with is the best they can be, as long as their with you? I mean, I know I'm not exactly the best person to be talking about self esteem here but come on yall...

&& then the ones that I do think are worthy, are taken. Obviously. Cus thats just the way of the world. *shrugs shoulders*

But its about more than relationships. Its about the fact that this effects every single thing I do. Wanna know why i don't talk on the phone? Cus i never feel like anything I have to say is important, so I just don't open my mouth. Wanna know why I allow myself to fail fucking classes in school? Cus i don't feel like I'm important enough to get all A's like I could. And i hate the spotlight that comes with being an A student. I'm not good with spotlight.

WAIT! SEE?! THAT RIGHT THERE!! dammit! i hate myself for shit like that. Can i correct it? Thank you. thats bullshit! i'm damn good with spotlight. let me explain something to yall. Shit. I sing, I dance, I act, I can play just about any instrument you put in front of me if given enough time, I write, novels, poetry, music. When it comes to the arts I'm pretty much the shit. So how the hell can I say I"m not good with spotlight!? Gawd I get on my nerves.

See? you see how this shit makes me try to make me less than I am?

BLAH!.

i told yall i'm tired of blogging the same old blog so I"ma shuttup but I wrote this blog to say:

that I do see the light at the end of the tunnel and the tide is going to change. Because theres no possible way I can talk this much about something and allow it to stay the same.

yuck. never tell me you're going to do something you're not going to do. That was random but...please don't. Cus i'll believe you. And I'll wait. smh. And then feel like an idiot later. Yea...this shits gone have to stop.

'qone.

I really hope this whole song plays lol.

AshleyyB: sam:) lets talk about something random
[ .Sammy. ]: wussup wit rice ? <--- thats why she's my favorite.

So good afternoon people!! Everyone psyched for the game tonight? I am. Oh, best believe I am. I'm having a wonderful day, not doing a damn thing. When yahoo conversations cease I'm gonna do my last little bit of homework that I have to drop off tomorrow && then I'ma just...chill....like omgsh today has been such a bomb day. =D I don't even know why I haven't done anything. I think its just because I've been spending time talking to people that I enjoy talking to. Fuck the rest of yall. So seriously.

I was gonna go out today but then I made a youtube video and got distracted.
[ .D'Angelo. ] lol you wanna be dominated. <-- do not! Hate it when people say that. I mean....maybe...in some ways... [:> feel me?] lmao but no forreal. What i want is a partnership. I'm tired of carrying muhfuckas. My shoulders ain't that damn strong.

Had a dream last night. I was so mad. I woke up so mad. I was screaming at brandon. Its weird cus I remember the whole thing. We were at rehearsal, and I was in a bad mood, and he asked me why and I told him I was just tired. And he said i didn't have any right to be tired or upset or something like that. And I went off on him, listing all the shit I do (plenty of which I don't actually do at this moment, but all of them being things I want to do this summer) and it was just like....wow. Like the fact that I woke up heated over it is bothering me.

Yall remember when I was tellin yall about entanglement? Sorry that concept is still so eternally bomb to me. OMGAH!!! I have an idea. omg. omg. this is gonna be the shit. && i know just who I'ma get to help me......wow.....oh yall are in for a treat. yesh. definitely trouble triple yes. *skips over to the next subject*

Production wise, concept wise, the Coldplay album is the sickest thing out right now.

If you hadn't noticed, hip hop hurray is officially closed. This blog is next. Swear to god. I'ma set it preffered users. Put a password on the shit. Let me know if you want to be a preferred user cus there's some info I need from you.

I'm bout done. Its a good day tho really. I need a song that perfectly fits it. Something classic. Oh!! i got yall. *gets it*



yea. thats what I'm on. =D

'qone.

edit*
FUCK IT FOR ONLY BEING 30 SECONDS THO!!! lmao
love it anyway, && don't act like you don't know the fucking song.

Ehh so.
Today i woke up && went to work for nine hours && then came home when I really I want to I was feeling hella hyper && i wanted to like get out && go somewhere but ppl in my city are lame then a muhfucka so I just went to the gym to work off the energy && now i'm back.

I was talking to a few people for a little while but now everybody's just about fallen asleeep && i think I'ma follow suit in a while. Watch a movie ; pass out. Life's beautiful in the summertime.

I'd forgotten how much I missed intelligent conversation. How much I'd missed using words that meant something. How much I'd missed having my brain challenged. How much I missed feeling stupid because I didn't know what someone was talking about. How much I missed debating. How much I missed losing. How much I missed winning, but knowing it was an actual competition. How much I missed being steadily poured into by someone who actually had something to offer. Thanks for reminding me.

I don't have much to say. I hella think I'm gonna get a second job. I need the money && things. ehh ; w/e. I love my job so much. I think we've discussed this. I'm rambling. Talking in circles. Making myself dizzy. Talk to yall when the sun's up.

'qone.

Today I almost forreal pulled a Zula && like deleted my whole shit. Or at least set it to private or whatever. Don't really make sense to have a blog if I'm only using it to keep up pretenses. I never really blog about anything important. I don't trust yall enough. Ain't that a shame? Summa yall I talk to every day and I still don't trust yall enough to say what I"m actually thinkin. So instead I put up some little haha hehe random funny shit. Or maybe tell a story. Or maybe type out a lil lesson for yall to take with you on ya daily grind. && honestly I don't consider it a waste because the simple process of typing until a page is full makes me feel better. Its just kinda sad. So i'm thinking I might actually really get rid of this. Or make another thats just for me. I don't know. Consider the status of this blog....pending.

Another thing thats pending is the status of hip-hop-hurray. I'm far too lazy for it actually. And if it had a purpose its not fulfilling it. Its not putting anybody up on game, schooling em on new music or any shit like that. Its just sitting there, boosting a lotta egos. Thats not what it was meant for. I mean I know I'm a good ego booster but I could do that on yahoo, I don't need an entirely new blog for it. Yea the status of that is definitely pending. Unless maybe I get a partner that might be bomb. Like a co blogger or some shit. *thinks about it*

Speaking of yahoo I was boutta get in Jay's box on some extra random shit && i got this weird deja vu feeling. Like i'd done the shit before. It happens to me a lot. I know why and all. But thats another thing I don't feel comfortable addressing with yall. Untrustworthy pieces of shit. Nah, actually its not even that you're not trustworthy. Its just that I don't trust you. lmao yes that did make sense. But as far as the deja vu thing goes, I'll say this. I'm not crazy, I'm blessed. You don't have to understand everything, you just have to accept some things as they are.

My myspace page is so sewper sexy right now. Like i'm really loving it. Like i'ma go stare at it some more cus its sexy. [/randomness]

Uhm...yea. I should prolly charge my phone *looks at it* dont feel like it forreal tho. Only person I wanna talk to is Sam, the rest of yall can very seriously fall off a cliff.

If i died how many of yall would buy a ticket and come to the funeral?
Thats the number of yall that I truly trust.
Everybody that would send a card and some flowers and call my mom up crying && shit
thats all good and well
and I appreciate it
=]

'qone.

Lmao I'm not gonna be able to talk for the next six weeks. My voice is soooooo shot. lol we had a ball. Just kinda updatin or whatnot. This blog is actually entirely purposeless except for to say....

I'm happy. Like really and truly. Tomorrow shit might suck, ya know, two weeks from now, the whole shit could come to an end. But right now? At 11:55pm PST on thursday June 6, 2008? Even tho half the keys on my damn keyboard don't wanna work and my mom's not home yet. Even tho my throat feels like somebody set that shit on fire and then took an ax to it while singing merrily we roll along in the highest most off key voice they could come up with. Even tho every time I see this nigga I really wish we could try again knowing damn well that shit does not need to happen. Lol, even tho I'm rambling. Right now, I'm really happy. Like the first time a baby laughs type happy. Like doyoubelieveinmagic.mp3 type happy. Nah, yall not feelin me. But its cool tho.

Cus half my happiness is springing from the fact that I finally figured out I can't make you happy. Its up to you to make you happy. So the next time you wanna be on that sad shit, take it elsewhere. I understand that misery loves company, but I will not be your company. B-B-B-Bounce that shit on down the block. lmao don't ask me why I said that. Tryna figure that shit out myself.

WHy every nigga I've ever seriously had a crush on (with the exception of Arvon) name start with a B? interesting. Well whatever.

B, can't nobody make me laugh like you. Can't nobody make me mad like you. Can't nobody be there for you like me. Its not possible. So when you're ready for you're upgrade, call me. Till then keep 12-25-07 in ya heart babe. Mistletoe on Christmas && shit....lol

'qone.

She's feeling veryy musical. It was her last official day of school. She got a 93% on her psych final. [notgettingkickedouttaschoolftw]. She doesn't usually refer to herself in the third person, but when she does, she's hella good at it. She very rarely feels the need to quote Weezy, but today she does:

"I got summer hatin on me cus I'm hotter then the sun
Got spring hatin on me cus I ain't never sprung
Got winter hatin on my cus I'm colder than yall
&& I will never, I will never, I will never fall.
I'm hated on by the seasons
So fuck yall who's hatin for no reason."

Yesh ; today, Weezy is worth quoting. You know who else she thinks is worth quoting? Andre 3000. but he's always worth quoting, she thinks:

"Nobody wanted to dance
When I had a lotta time on my hands
But now I've got a lotta hands on my time
&& Everybody wants to be a friend of mine."

Ain't it the truth. Yes it is, children. It really is.

So now she's going to return to eating her soup and drinking her tea in the hopes that her vocal chords won't permanently go out when she tries to exercise them at choir rehearsal this evening. Strep throat + Choir rehearsal = Bad idea. However, she's gonna do it anyway, because a love like she has for singing will make you do stupid things. =D

'qone.

[ the person I'm writing this to does not even read this blog that I know of, but I'ma write it anyway ]
Hey you ;

I know we don't know each other that well, && that I'm probably being really intrusive. I've got a bad habit, when I see someone hurting I've gotta help em. Or at least try. I know you probably don't want my help. Take no offense, but I'm not necessarily sure I want to help you. This superhero thing of mine? Terrible quality. I wish I could shut it off, but since I can't....I was just wondering: do you ever vent to anyone really? Do you ever trust anyone enough to actually let yourself go? Like I said, I don't know you that well, but I'd bet that you don't. I'd bet that you try to be strong for them, I'd bet you wouldn't want them to see you as anything less than strong all the time. I'd bet you might even be a little afraid, maybe, that if they saw a weaker side, they wouldn't respect you like they do. I know their respect means a lot to you. So maybe, in this instance, its better that I don't know you too well, and vice versa. If you ever need someone to vent to, you can come to me. Seeing as you're not reading this ; you probably won't, but you can. I'm good at listening and stuff. I'm good at advice too. Usually anyway. Ask around. I'm pretty damn inspirational nine times out of ten. I don't have much else to say. Just wanted to let you know. The door's pretty much always open. Knock if you're willing. Till then keep your head up. Even at your lowest your higher than the average. Know that, and appreciate yourself for what you are every moment, because you might not be the next. Make sense?

Truly,
Ashley.


older posts for the actual blog

You know what I hate? When people call me stupid and moody. Lmao i mean i'll give you moody ; sometimes I have my moments. But i'm talkin about in the same sentence. Like:

Ashley, you're being really dumb and moody right now.

EXCUSE ME?

bitches got me fucked up majorly. Oh && of course its always followed by:

Ashley, I ain't even mean it like that. You know I love you. We're family.

Waitwaitwait...

EXCUSE ME?!

We're family? You wanna be related to the stupid, moody bitch now? Or even better..

Come on baby, I ain't even mean it like that...

Oh so I'm your baby now? I'm your stupid, moody baby? Fuck outta here.

Family don't treat family like that. && when they do, thats about when its time to disassociate. Ion care if they birthed you. When you start feelin like you ain't worth shit cus thats how they makin you think about yourself, its time to cut em off && get the hell outta dodge. Cus fact of the matter is, when you're in a relationship thats verbally or emotionally abusive like that, its usually not you that needs the other person, its the other person that needs you. But they don't want you to know that because they don't want to look vulnerable. Think about that. That person thats always makin you feel like there's not even a point in living? they need you. Not the other way around. you hold the power. Not them. So use it. && if they don't need you, if it turns out I'm entirely wrong, && they're just making you feel like shit for the sick, twisted pleasure of it, then it still won't do you any harm to leave now will it.

Ain't got nowhere to go? Lmao the bold part of me wants to tell you to leave anyway but I won't. Never do something stupid out of anger or desperation. Think smart, plan smart, be smart, always.

This made me feel better. I'm so busy telling you what to do I forgot that stupid niggas made me mad in the first place. Its time to cut the cord on some of these bitches ; in a very real way. Oh yea, and you, yea....you. You know I'm talking to you. I'm so serious. Its not worth it. No matter who it is or how close to you they are or how obligated you feel, its not worth being put down every day. Its not worth being neglected. Do what you gotta do && get out bae. Cus its scarring you psychologically, and hurting you in ways that you don't even realize has anything to do with it. Trust me, I'ma psych major. Love you kay?

text message received:

Thanks! Ur a doll! I feel the same. Its like watchign someone grow right in front of me. U have such an amazing future ahead of u!

[/text]

:"> My drama final was kick ass by the way =D




'qone.

Today was.....blah then a muhfucka lmao. Woke up ; giggled with my friend Jenny about this foolish female Tyra in our drama class. Chilled. Ate. Talked to hella people on yahoo. The baby boo Dre [ this nigga really wants me to date him...like woah] ; Sam && Danny obviously. Raf && Darian. && This nigga D'Angelo. Who i don't talk to anywhere near enough. I love how he gave me his number && then logged off before I could remember to tell him I don't call people. Lmao. When he surfaces next week I'll be sure to inform him. Thats my new buddy tho. Easy conversation. Chill type. Most definitely. Yay ; I made me a friend. *smiles*

Went to the mall today=]. Ask me what I bought? I'll tell you. NOT A GOTDAMN THING. My check ; that it took me eternity to cash ; was only 190 dollars. So i gave 40 back to mom for the ID + gas. thats 150. Spent 30 on a new camera thingy cus I broke my old one. thats 120. Spent 20 dollars on Chocolate+Anewwallet+apairofgoldearringsthatwerereallycute. thats 100. If you wonder why I never have any money ; its because I hella can't count. Somehow, everytime I did that count ; i ended up with twenty dollars more than I actually have. Gawsh ; i'm not the sharpest tool in the shed today *shakes my head*

I have my drama final tomorrow. My english final was today but haha, I didn't go to school today now did I? I'm totally up for a retake on Thursday. I won't fail. [I can't fail actually]. But anyway, because its an acting final I have to be in like a costume you know so I have to have like...clothes picked out. Which is so not the business but whatever. So i'm staring at my closet right now trying to figure out what the hell one would wear if she were acting out a character in an Anton Checkov play written in 1904 and set in the Russian countryside. Nigga df? I'm from Los Angeles. I'm just now adjusting to dressing for Oregon weather. Now we're going to Russia? Put your passport away for a second, shit.

Speaking of clothes && stuff. OMG I almost cried at the mall today. I wanted these Volcom hoodies so bad. && the summer Forces are out!! lawdd. + there were these Red+Blue+Black Oncores that were so incredibly sexy! Gawsh my next check will go to Nikes exclusively lmao. Nah ; yall not feelin me. But you will be.

I think I'm done now. Boutta go see about dressing like a Russian && crash. lol. Love yall. Hope you're havin a happy life. Mine's pretty damn good right now. Despite it all. Pretty damn good...


THROWBACK!!



'qone.

[ .DAngelo. ]: Consider yourself excluvise, kinda?
Me: :"> definitely. i'm all upgraded from the average && shit:)
[ .DAngelo. ]: Lmao exactly.

I got my instrumental! + two others that I adore. I finally got my ringtone! Call me. I got the phone off vibrate && errthing. =] 448 5560. =D if you know the area code ; get at me ; seriously. =D. I'm all smiley becausee....

Its 3:30 in the morning ; I havent' been to sleep yet. I have three papers to write ; thats what procrastination gets you. Gawsh. I've got an appointment with my advisor at 10. My class, where the three papers are due, is at eleven. It takes an hour and a half to get to school on the bus + an hour and a half to get ready. Thats three hours. which means I need to be starting on all that by seven. Its three thiry now. And I have three papers to write. This is just gonna be soo....interesting. But anyway back to the point. I'm smiley because its 3:30am && i haven't been to sleep yet. Yall know that kinda high you get when you haven't slept in long periods of time? I don't know if thats other people or just me. Whatever. Apparently my insomnia came back with my cam whoreness for the summer. Oh yea, I have insomnia. I told yall that right? Its kinda like in stages tho, like I'll sleep real good for three months, && then I won't, for three months. Summer's a damn good time to not sleep though don't ya think? I mean at least i ain't got nothin to do. Well, next week. This week it kinda sucks but whatever. I'll survive. Wish i ain't coffee so damn much....

Today after school I ran down to the DMV && replaced my ID && cashed my check. So I'm not poor anymore. Woopee for me. Except for now I have to pay mom back for the ID (+ conveniently, gas money) I gotta buy a new wallet lmao. && I gotta give Ree some money for her cell phone next week. + I gotta get my hair done for summer. Get my color touched up finally. + I gotta buy two camera connector thingies. Cus I broke mine && I gotta get one for Brandon so when I finally give him my other camera he'll have a way to get the pictures from the camera to the computer. Cus thats always a genius step ain't it?

I think it would be hella visionary of me to put some purple in this blog. Unexpected. But it would bring some warmth to the coolness. Ya think? I think && thats all that matters. somethin like this. Yea ; thats purty. lol but anywaysz. I hella think I'm done.



'qone

edit*
Explain why I hella wasn't sleepy until I mildly upgraded the blog && now i'm ready to pass out? That so unfair. The mild upgrade is bomb tho no? =]

I've been in a bomb mood lately. Like no matter what happens, it can't even touch me. Workin 7 hours on 3 hours of sleep? I do it with a smile. Talked to Whitney today. && Jazz yesterday. No drama. Its all good. I'm so past it. I like it =]. I was talkin to the homie Raf today ; && i was telling him how my life is changing ; && i'm really enjoying it. Dunno why. Its just so....bomb right now. Lol.

Niggas been comin out the woodwork on some surprising ass shit today. lol. First my homeboy Brian gone tell me that he was trying to cum while talking to me. "not that i'm jerking off to the thought of you....I just happen to be jerking off while talking to you..." Right Bri, lmao. Then my baby boo Dre gone say he's falling in love with me. I was like woah. No seriously, ask Sam. I was like woah. For ten minutes. lmao. He's good too. He called me his angel. Ion even know. I'ma let that sit that tho. Seeing as this nigga is 22 years old. Tryna catcha plane to come see bout me? Orly? nah boo, sit tight. Don't waste the money. Not saying that it would be a waste persay..but i don't think its wise at all. Thats a damn big age difference. [promise]age ain't nothin but a number that determines who you should give your number to[/promise].

Most surprising thing of the day? The Weezy album not sucking. I mean I'm not gonna like rush out && cop it on the 10th. Fuck that, I'll save my money for Seeing Sounds (N.E.R.D in case you're an idiot). Lmao @ Big Boi. Yall ever heard the album version of Moving Cool from Idlewild? Thats what I'm listening to right now. "Cus baby I am, the opening act, the head liner,"

After party ; after partayyyy...lmao I'm done.

I took new pics on myspace finally!! yes people , the cam whoreness is back for the summer. I WANT PIC COMMENTS ASSHOLES! every single one of you knows where the myspace is. Get at it!!! =D.

enough self promotion. I think i'ma clean my room. Cus i'm up now. Sleep is not an option.



=O @ THIS NIGGA SENT ME NUDES!!! ewwwwww. *looks again* LMAO

'qone.

edit*
I made a flickr. So now I have to take pictures of prettiness. Lol lets see how this goes.