Blehh I had an entirely different blog I was going to blog but this letter to my mom is in my head so I'ma need yall to just bare with me for just a few minutes.

Dear Mom,

This is getting very hard for me. And I'm trying not to let it get hard for me because I know you're trying. I know with every fiber of my being that you are but gawsh. I go to school. I go to work. I try to make good grades. If we find a church I like, I promise I'll go back. I sing whenever I'm needed. I cook occasionally. I DO clean up, not as much as I should, thats a given, but I do. Whenever you need me, I try my hardest to be there. Its always been that way. I've never asked for much. Temper tantrums have never been my thing. And maybe thats why when we got up here you decided to spoil me so much. And maybe this reaction is just the result of being spoiled, even though I don't think it is.

Its getting very very hard for me to go to school, and go to work, and then come home, and have you complain about how nothings the way you want it. Very very hard. Its hard for me when after school, and work, when all I want to do is watch the season finale of THE ONLY SHOW I WATCH, you can't get up, and cut they baby a slice of pizza. You had to make me do it. Can I ask what you were doing that was so important that you had to make me do it? Nothing. Mom you weren't doing anything. You just didn't want to. Its hard for me when you do stuff like that. Its hard for me when you tell me the house isn't clean and remind me I need to give you gas money in the same sentence. Thats hard for me. Its hard for me when i ask you to bring me my work shoes, and then five minutes before I have to work you tell me you're nowhere near my job. And then get an attitude with me about like your day has just been so hectic that YOU need a moment to rest. No ma, I need a moment to rest. Not you. Its hard for me that whenever I ask you to drop me off somewhere, I'm late, and whenever I ask you to pick me up from somewhere, you're late, or you're too early, so you get an attitude when I come out, like I'm wasting your precious time. Its hard for me when you say things like "Ashley, I'm trying to be patient with you about this kitchen". Like your unconditional grace and mercy is the only thing keeping us afloat. No ma. I'M being patient with YOU. There is no other way around this. EVERYONE is being patient WITH YOU. Cus we all know that eventually you're gonna turn this around and pull another miracle out of that hat of yours. We're rooting for you ma, really we are. But you've gotta do something. Ma, you've got to show us something, or else we lose faith. && I don't wanna lose faith in you Ma, I really don't, but this is getting really HARD.

And I understand that its hard for you too. I really do get that. I know this can't be easy for you. But ma, you can't keep running away everytime stuff gets hard. Cus you know who gets stuck with the bag? Me. Its always me. Cus I'm always sticking up for you. Always. So now everyone's mad at me. I won't go over to goddaddy's anymore because I won't sit and listen to them talk about you, no matter how right there are. I won't let them do it. But then I come home and you just complain, and complain, and complain. And I can't take it! I just need to like....get out. Just move. Just not be around you or something because its just getting too HARD. and I don't want to blow up on you. And I don't want to run out on you, but Ma, you're not giving me too many choices here. You're not giving me too much to work with.

And I hate to bring this up again but I feel like I have to. Ma, I'm 17 years old. And you're stilling turning on && off this mom thing as you please. I tried, I really did try to forgive you for everything in the past and just move on, and for awhile, we were moving forward. But everytime you get good and forgiven, you go & mess it up again! You're worse than Bruce!! And I tried, even though it was so hard, Mommy I tried to give you the opportunity to be my mother again. When you grounded me, I let you. I never snuck out, or just did what I wanted to do anyway. Even though I could've. I had every right to. I didn't. I tried to honor you. To do right by you. And that was hard for me too, but I did it. But now, thats not even an option now. You don't get to be my mother now. You don't get all the perks of having a child and none of the responsibilities Mom. You don't get to do that! And you've never really faced the responsibilities. Every time something goes wrong, you hand me off. You run away. I'm the ONE person that's never run out on you mom! I've never left. Yea, I've talked my shit but I'm entitled. Pardon my language, I was trying to go the whole post without it, but it didn't work. I'll try harder. You've never stuck it out with me mom. You've always let someone else handle the problem for you. And now you're doing it with AnnMarie. You're just letting her go. You're just running from it. And what're you gonna do with Jon mom? Boys can't take that! He's gonna end up like Isaiah if you don't treat him well. You've got to eventually step up to the plate and realize that YOU have three children.

I just, gawsh, like I really don't know what to do anymore. And you know this has always been our thing, we write letters, cus we cry so freakin much. And I hope you're not crying right now. Even though I'm fairly certain you are. And I just want you to know that I really am trying. And I need you to work with me. Ma, you sit at home all day. Maybe, ya know, you could clean the kitchen? You could straighten the bathroom? Maybe? I mean....come on. I'm trying. You've just gotta give me somewhere to start. Please just give me somewhere to start ma?

I'm going to be conveniently asleep when you read this. I'm sorry for being a brat really. I'm sorry for making things harder than they already are for you. I really am. I just, I can't not tell you whats going on for me right now. Thats not fair or healthy for either one of us. We'll get through this Ma, just like we get through everything else. But we're not gonna get anywhere just lying on the ground and taking it. We've gotta fight ma. I need you to fight with me? KK?

Truly,
Ashley.



I wrote a poem today. I'll post it.......later.
Cus we lost it all, nothing lasts forever. I'm sorry, I can't be perfect
'qone.