So yea ; yall knew that blue && green was gone have to go. Me && Zula are hella feeling this green && yellow tho. Madd simple. Yessuh. This is thee shit. =] As far as changes && updates && stuff ; the blog rocks to one song now ; that Cold Hearted. If it changes ; it'll be to gospel. Yall don't listen to the music on ppl blog no way. lol. Oh yea && Mr. Adams has officially been added to the blog roll. Seeing as I've been reading his blog since last October....figured he could be official lmao.

So last night I went to Alyssea's to see Bo (did I tell yall his name was Bo? Thee sexy one. If you seen the pic you know who I'm talkin about) he had some friends with him. We all chilled basically like usual. They smoked, I drank. We watched movies && talked shit && passed out at something like 3 in the morning. I had to get up for work at 6 ; cus I had to be at work at 9 ; then I worked from nine to five like a fucking old person. I'm gonna have to get another job. I'm not gonna quit Regal, I'm just gonna get a second one. I'm probably one of the few people you know who loves their job. Like as much as I bitch && moan && complain ; I adore what I do, and I don't wanna stop doing it. Even if the popcorn machine does take my damn arm off lmao. But anyway ; I'ma have to pick up another one that pays better once summer starts.

WHOOOOO!!! @ summer. my mom was like whatever you're grown. Go where you want, do what you want, don't get pregnant or die. Keep your phone bill paid. Call me. WHAT?! LMAO that female don't never wanna see me again!! But anyways. -takes a step away from that.

I'm bored tonight. Mom's gotta a date so I'm babysitting. Its kinda weird to me that my moms dating again. Like, not that I don't want her to date its just....iono. Her taste in the past has had weird effects on my life. && he was the last dude she seriously dated so I'm like....scared. Not even for me cus I'm gone. More for like Jon....not even for Ree, cus she bounced. But you know people are fucked up these days, ya know? && I can't have that touching my little brother. Thats my heart. Yall should already know.

Can I say OMG @ D'Angelo for this damn beat he gave Jay!! Soon as I talk to this nigga again ; I'm stealin this instrumental ; turning it into a ringtone, && puttin it on my phone. FUCK THE BULLSHIT THIS IS FLYY!

I think I'm done. Once more tho, my blog is pretty. Ion even needa put a picture up on this one. Yall know what I look like. && if perchance, you don't, I'm sexy then a muhfucka. Bet on it nigga.

=P
'qone.

In reference to the blog I posted yesterday, I got one person. I mean yea, I knew the list was gonna be short but...

lol I'm not trippin. Its a lotta ppl that ain't even have to answer. Yall with me by default, for the simple fact that I'm not letting you go. Possessive much? Oh i'm secretly insane. Yeen know?

Moving on.

Today was magically a good day. I think I might be losing my mind really. Cus no matter how much stuff continues to suck, its not even fazing me anymore. Maybe thats a good thing? I dunno anymore really.

I gotta wake up, wake up to my good health, I've got goals to meet to maintain my wealth, && don't hesitate to ask if you need some help...

I'm not even really in a blog mood no more. Nothing to complain about. Nothing exceptionally bomb to report. Everythings just kinda....blah. lol

I do have a question though.

Why is that even though Zula deleted her blog, we all still got her linked?

Just wondering.

You think you fuckin wit me Negro please, I play the game like a legend in the Negro League
'qone.

So I'ma have the conversation with myself one more time. Cus I'm really actually very confused. Perhaps yall can help me out? Cus see ; ooh && I love yall to death for this, but what you generally do, is yall cheer me up and make me laugh when I'm feelin like this. But the problem is, its just a mask, && its sticks for a minute, but when it wears off I'm back bloggin the same damn blog again. I'm tired of it. Can we ditch it? Like once && for all? I think we can. But I'ma need yalls help. I mean, I'm fully capable of being strong all by myself, but if thats what I gotta do then fuck I got yall around for? No disrespect meant but...yall know what I mean. So help me out right now. I'm asking for help. Its rare as a muhfucka. When it comes to things of importance anyway.

So let me tell you the dilemma. In person, like if you actually meet me on the street face to face, I'm a very different person then the one you'll meet on the internet. Yall know how that goes, the computer screen is better at buffering rejection. So its easier to be outgoing && what not here then it is when you're actually standing in front of someone. Anyways, when you meet me in person I'm kind of quiet, && shy. I'm always afraid I talk too much, so I just don't talk at all. Lmao, I'm that girl that doesn't wanna look "too smart", so she never answers any of the teachers questions. Feel me? I purposefully dress down cus I don't wanna look like I'm showing off. Yall get the picture? Here ; I'll break it down for you like this:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, but that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, handsome, fabulous, and talented? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us. It is not just in some; it is in everyone. And, as we let our own light shine, we consciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others." Marianne Williamson

"The nail that sticks out gets hammered" Japanese proverb

Make sense? Fact of the matter is, as beautiful, and logical as Ms. Williamson's speech is, its flawed. Because people don't actually behave that way. We fear what we don't understand, and we don't understand people who aren't afraid. Get it? So my dilemma is, should I continue being the person I am? The one who shrinks out of fear, and always lets others shine, or should I be the person I can be? The one who's fully capable of shining all by her damn self. The one who doesn't have to be mean when she gets nervous because she knows being nice is good enough? The one who would never ever in a million years involve herself with a man who was already in a relationship just because she wasn't sure if she could get anything else. Cus like seriously, how sad is that? The one who always does her best, always looks her best, && always comes her hardest because she knows God gave her the ability for a reason? Which way should I go? Easy question, I know. Here's the hard part.

How theee fuck am I supposed to get from point A to point B? This ain't a pity party darlins. I'm not saying its impossible. I'm not saying that because I've been this way or 17 years this is the only way I'll ever be. Fuck that. I'm just saying its gonna be hard as hell, and I'ma need help. So I'd like to know if I have your help. I'd like to know if I have your support. Right now, this here, this is the all call. This is your time to stand up. This is how I'm determining who my real friends are. So if you're reading this right now && you think you can help me do this, get in touch with me in whatever way you have. The cell ; the yahoo ; the myspace ; however. Just let me know. This is gonna be a short list, but if I'm going to accomplish what I'm planning to, I'm not gonna have much time for anybody who's not on that short list. So there we go.

I'm done talking. I feel better. This isn't a passing phase. This is it.
Depth perception. How deep do you perceive yourself to be?
'qone.

yaaaaaaaaaaay!
ayo so this is like
officially
like the last
blog link change
EVER
I got
literary-romance back!!!!!
=D

otay so uhm....
thats it.
click older posts if you ain't hear me rantin && raving about my weekend
I really need to go to school I just....
You know how towards the end of the year
You just be like
ugh?
Yall know?
Yall know.

Trying hard not to hear but they talk so loud
'qone.

Understand that this is like, four days of blogging crammed into one night of blogging. This is gonna be intersting. Stick with me. Or bounce. I'm actually cool either way. Fancy that.

Me and you so crucial baby
&& that champagne so fuscia baby
I do things that you ain't used to baby
I'll take you back home to St. Lucia baby
When raindrops hit the tan roof its crazy
Thats a metaphor, did I lose you baby?
When you are wet, and covered in sweat
I'll wipe ya ass down like Boosie baby
&& love I don't mind feedback
Tell me to give it to you if you need that
Touch right there, whatever the speeds at
&& if its over fast then I promise you a relapse
Forget what you're guessin I'm on
&& who was in your past I'm refreshing and grown
So charge that cell that I message you on
&& if you let us girl then I'ma bring the dressing along.
You hear that professional tone?
Half of thats ice && the rest is patron
Show up on time for the class I'm teaching
cus guaranteed I'ma bring a lesson along
&& you just gotta bring them breatsts along
Instead of holding out wondering what it coulda been
I confess this address to you and I'm the post man looking for a slot I could put it in
With no New York number, moms still upstairs, I'm two floors under
But my rooms soundproof
&& you're so tempted to satisfy your urge so you don't wonder"
I know I told you before
I'll grab that for you like holdin the door
Cus mine's is Polo
&& your's is Vickie
&& they both spread all over the floor.

-Drake (teachyoualesson.mp3]

That songs been on my head with a passion since I first heard it forreal. Its been on my head so much this past couple of weeks that I seriously know it by heart off the top of the head so well that I typed it just now with another song going. Do you know how hard it is? Whatver. It reminds me of a certain someone. lol

[text message received]
Oh fuck her u basically said you gotta homewreck in oregon so yea
[/text]

the sexy midget speaks truth :>. lol. I will be putting my morals aside for at least two weeks && just doing what I want. Fuck what I should. Fuck right && wrong. Lets just suspend that reality for a minute. I've spent a big chunk of my existance worried about what works best for other people and at this point? I could give a fuck. Cus realistically worst case scenario is that it ends badly for him. Which is his fault for comin at me in the first place. But fact of the matter is, I'm single as a muhfucka. I answer to nobody. So uhm....there's nothing preventing me from fucking whoever I want? OHNO?!

[text message received]
Pregnancy and aids can be avoided with condoms:-D but the other shit you outta luck lmao
[/text]

Sexy midget speaks truth pt 2. byebyevirginity? I'll keep you posted.
thee fuck I won't. Mindyabusiness. Yall nosy as hell. shit

-skips off to another subject.

This summer, this oh so wonderful summer of '08 will be a special one for me. Instead of being the normal, steady, wifey type that I usually am, this summer, I'ma be a nigga. Lmao. Its not my style really but I figure I should try it once before I die && shit. This summer there are no crushes. Fuck that, thats girly then a muhfucka. No, no, no, my loves. This summer, there are only prospects. Prospect #1 [click it] tiny ass cell phone picture. That kidd there is sexy as hell to me. I'll keep you posted on that too lmao.

-skips off to subjecto numero tres

The more I think about it, the more I'm thinking I'm actually not moving for my 18. I've pretty much told everybody that matters, so the blog was naturally the next wave of ppl to know. So yea. PDX is pretty much gonna be my official home until I get outta college, which is....2012? lmao, yall know the mayan calendar stops in 2011. We might all be dead in 2012. (Mom: Or maybe the ancient Mayans, way back in whatevertheheck date that was BC, thought 2011 was a far enough ways away && they could just stop?) lmao I'm feelin you Moms, but you know the scientists freak out, && then the people freak out, && then us poor humans with common sense have to deal with the madness.

-skips off to gloss over the subjects that haven't been addressed yet so I can move the fuck on with my life.

So i'm fairly certain my job gave my wallet, that I left there, to a person that wasn't me. I lost 35 bucks, my permit, my bus pass, my credit card. I get paid next week but I cant' cash my check without my ID which I can't replace without my check. Conundrum much? I did break my nail at work, so I subsequently took em all off, I did sprain my ankle at work. You know what? Lets just wrap all that shit I did at work up, and turn it into, I am very seriously considering quitting my job. I am going back to Alyssea's next weekend. I will bring my computer this time. She still doesn't have internet so it still doesn't matter. I still have school tomorrow. I still have a shitload of homework to do before that time. It's still 12:30.

I missed yall with a passion, like really. Except for Sam, who was pretty much there with me every step of the way. Next time I go away yall needa keep in better touch or some shit. =[ its like you didn't even miss me.

Now I gotta go write several random papers && shit. Yuck. I'ma do it though. Then I might even clean my house.......sike.

Be Easy my loves
Love's a shoulder to lean on, love is you
'qone.


edit*
Fuck the hmwrk. I'll do it tomorrow. In class probably. Cus I'm black that way. Night ppl

Post 150 was nothing ; just in case you hadn't seen it && were wondering. I just remembered, I don't know if I'd told you or not but I'm leaving home for a couple days because Jonathan's father is coming up for his birthday. His birthday is today btw, he turned 7. My babies growing up like majorly. We went to see Speed Racer. Its terrible. Its so terrible that I might even do a one sentence review for hip-hop hurray. Yeaps, one sentence: Don't see Speed Racer. Damn good sentence as far as I'm concerned. But anyway yea. Karl is coming up Friday and the majority of you know my personal drama with him plus I've got drama with mom so. I'll just go to my friend Alyssea's house for the weekend. Monday's a holiday So i'll be back Tuesday afternoon. Figured I'd let yall know that because Alyssea doesn't have internet. I'll probably actually end up leaving the computer here, so there's like no chance of getting in touch with me if you don't have my number. Which a shocking majority of you do. Or could, if you asked the right person. W/e.

I recorded a youtube video. I did Killing Me Softly cus its been stuck in my head all day. Its a hot mess, as most of my youtube videos are. But if you're just missing me and feel the need to see me act an ass on the world wide web, feel free to hit up the youtube my loves, thats what its there for. [ click it ]

Uhm...I think thats all I've got to say. I'm going to clean the kitchen && do some hw, not even all of it, just some, maybe. Yall know how I hate it, && then I'ma go on to bed. Seeing as its already quarter till midnight && i've got extensive travel && shit to do tomorrow. I'll see yall later.

I felt all flushed with fever, embarrassed by the crowd, I felt he'd found my letter and read each one out loud
'qone.

lmao @ I just deleted a grippa ish. lol I said only good things about Mom from here on out right? Kay then.

I feel like doing a youtube video. Maybe Killing Me Softly? Blehh, we shall see.

I'm going on, && I'm prepared to go it alone
'qone.

Tell me why I was on my Zula Bell shit at the nail shop today? Its prolly cus I was talking to her before I left. DAMN YOU ZULA!!! I keep looking at my hands, wondering who allowed these colors on here. Its hot tho. In a way that just shouts "ZULA BELL". Here, I'ma take a picture. blah nevermind. I wish the light didn't suck so much & this room. & I hella don't feel like pluggin up the other lamp. Even though I might. Later. Possibly. Anyway, the colors are yellow, orange && lime green. Yea. Lime green. Ain't that got Zula written all over it?

TELL ME WHY I JUST FIGURED OUT ZULA WAS ONLINE?!

this blog is gonna suck for the poor idiot that doesn't know who Zula is....

-skips off to Hip-Hop Hurray to write an artists spotlight.
Tryin to keep it movin but I'm stressed in the worst way, so I let my ink bleed, check what the verse say and listen.
Told this nigga he was quotable...but nooooooo...
'qone.

So now for the blog that I was supposed to post yesterday lmao.

Ashley's Poetry Corner
Forgive the non cohesive flow of this poem, I was very much in a moment.

Sometimes shit happens
And it feels like a dream
You remember the heat and the sweat
Not a damn thing in between
You give it as good as you get
Don't give a damn what it means
As long as its hard and it wet
Don't give a damn how it seems

Sometimes shit happens and it seems like a song
As long as the rhythm is good
Don't give a damn whats wrong
As long as its pumping into you
Don't give a damn how long
It could take till the end of the day
If the stamina's strong

Sometimes shit happens
And you can't let it go
It burns in your blood till you speed
But you can't take it slow
It thickens your tongue till you speak
But you can't let em know
It pulls at your knees till you're weak
But you can't let it show.

But sometimes shit happens
And its clear as day
No earthquake or hurricane
Could shake it away
Such things effect your body
Even more than your mind
Till you search your soul for an answer
And you're shocked when you find
That the things you once found important
Unexpectedly changed
And your once valued priorities
Had been rearranged
See we laugh like its hilarious
When others go through
But life gets a little precarious
When shit happens to you.


flip the track to dear self for me, Darlin'
Blah. So i'm not going to school today. Nope. I'm going to clean the house, and try to be less of a loser. Lmao @ my moms response to my letter. Here, I'll give you a couple direct quotes.

"But please understand that the fact that you go to school and work is nothing. Nada. Whether or not you work or go to school does not do one thing for me. It doesn’t change what I do, it doesn’t change what I have to do, it doesn’t change what I think about." This is very true. My little minimum wage job does nothing to help Christie. I can't argue that. However, do we think that tone was necessary? She over here gettin all bolded && italicized on me. Gettin gangster on the net is bad enough. This bitch went hard in a word document tho. OHNO?!

"As for this whole mother thing – whatever. Part of me hates to say it, but whatever. Maybe when you’re older, or when you have kids you’ll understand. Maybe you never will. It no longer matters. Whatever. If you want to believe it or not, you have a very active mother who has done a dog-gone good job with you. You can think whatever you want. Your thoughts don’t change reality. " Now let me clarify. My mother is no deadbeat. I apologize if I had yall thinkin she was. She just turns it off sometimes, gets a little overwhelmed. Like in the situation we're in now. At the end of the day, on her worst day, my mom still kicks Danny's moms ass. There was no offence meant there, just making it known. Howeverrrrrrr, the word whatever used in reference to your children is never really a good sign now is it? My whole problem with her response is that I was just trying to tell her what was going wrong && she got mad. Hella mad. Who was that, Chuck, that was like, "if they gm more than three lines, they mad" she maddddddd.

Lets see....do I wanna quote anything else? OH. hol up lemme find it....

"So here’s what I’m going to need you to do. I’m going to need you to grow up a little more and realize that life and people are not perfect. It’s not going to be exactly what you want it to be. You can choose to make the best of it, or you can choose to allow yourself to be overwhelmed and frustrated and pissed off. Or you can choose to take some responsibility for your own actions (I wouldn’t bug you about your chores if they were done, you wouldn’t be late if you’d get up and get there like you were supposed to, and I didn’t ask you for gas money YOU OFFERED IT, I based my actions around what you said you were going to do) and get over it. Move on already. " If there's one thing reading this letter from my mother has shown me, its that she's 100% convinced she's right about everything coming out of her mouth. You know how people can be right....but they still wrong? Thats my mom right now lmao. She's right. I did offer her gas money. Because she told me she'd spent hers. Phone conversation:

Her: Your little brother got into a water fight in Gresham. I need to buy him more clothes. Or I could just go home && get him more clothes, but either way thats gonna be like...all my gas money.
Me: Mom, I can give you gas money. Thats not an issue.

YOU tell ME the FUCK i was supposed to say?! lmao but its nothin major. Its over now.
Another interesting point there is that unless I'm really mistaken....-looks. Yea. I was real polite in my little letter mabob thing. I mean, I cursed once. But you know, I tried to sound like something other than a spoiled teenager throwing a temper tantrum. It might not've worked, but theres no saying I didn't try. So tell me why, after all that effort not to curse her out and call her a terrible person, she ended her little response with, move on already? lmao orly? Okay.

This is the last you'll hear about it. I love that woman to death && i'm not gonna hold anything against her. There's a high probability she's right. Maybe I'm just a brat thats delusional && thinking I'm accomplishing something. Oh shit. My fault. Anyway, you'll only hear wonderful things about my mother from here on out. Only wonderful, wonderful things.

OH SHIT! && I AIN'T EVEN TELL YALL WHAT HAPPENED WITH him YET!! lmao this blog is too long. I'll tell you later.

Dumb kid with a tongue, that I got from hip-hop, but she left me for you, so i'ma give her to you. Cold hearted and young.
'qone.

Blehh I had an entirely different blog I was going to blog but this letter to my mom is in my head so I'ma need yall to just bare with me for just a few minutes.

Dear Mom,

This is getting very hard for me. And I'm trying not to let it get hard for me because I know you're trying. I know with every fiber of my being that you are but gawsh. I go to school. I go to work. I try to make good grades. If we find a church I like, I promise I'll go back. I sing whenever I'm needed. I cook occasionally. I DO clean up, not as much as I should, thats a given, but I do. Whenever you need me, I try my hardest to be there. Its always been that way. I've never asked for much. Temper tantrums have never been my thing. And maybe thats why when we got up here you decided to spoil me so much. And maybe this reaction is just the result of being spoiled, even though I don't think it is.

Its getting very very hard for me to go to school, and go to work, and then come home, and have you complain about how nothings the way you want it. Very very hard. Its hard for me when after school, and work, when all I want to do is watch the season finale of THE ONLY SHOW I WATCH, you can't get up, and cut they baby a slice of pizza. You had to make me do it. Can I ask what you were doing that was so important that you had to make me do it? Nothing. Mom you weren't doing anything. You just didn't want to. Its hard for me when you do stuff like that. Its hard for me when you tell me the house isn't clean and remind me I need to give you gas money in the same sentence. Thats hard for me. Its hard for me when i ask you to bring me my work shoes, and then five minutes before I have to work you tell me you're nowhere near my job. And then get an attitude with me about like your day has just been so hectic that YOU need a moment to rest. No ma, I need a moment to rest. Not you. Its hard for me that whenever I ask you to drop me off somewhere, I'm late, and whenever I ask you to pick me up from somewhere, you're late, or you're too early, so you get an attitude when I come out, like I'm wasting your precious time. Its hard for me when you say things like "Ashley, I'm trying to be patient with you about this kitchen". Like your unconditional grace and mercy is the only thing keeping us afloat. No ma. I'M being patient with YOU. There is no other way around this. EVERYONE is being patient WITH YOU. Cus we all know that eventually you're gonna turn this around and pull another miracle out of that hat of yours. We're rooting for you ma, really we are. But you've gotta do something. Ma, you've got to show us something, or else we lose faith. && I don't wanna lose faith in you Ma, I really don't, but this is getting really HARD.

And I understand that its hard for you too. I really do get that. I know this can't be easy for you. But ma, you can't keep running away everytime stuff gets hard. Cus you know who gets stuck with the bag? Me. Its always me. Cus I'm always sticking up for you. Always. So now everyone's mad at me. I won't go over to goddaddy's anymore because I won't sit and listen to them talk about you, no matter how right there are. I won't let them do it. But then I come home and you just complain, and complain, and complain. And I can't take it! I just need to like....get out. Just move. Just not be around you or something because its just getting too HARD. and I don't want to blow up on you. And I don't want to run out on you, but Ma, you're not giving me too many choices here. You're not giving me too much to work with.

And I hate to bring this up again but I feel like I have to. Ma, I'm 17 years old. And you're stilling turning on && off this mom thing as you please. I tried, I really did try to forgive you for everything in the past and just move on, and for awhile, we were moving forward. But everytime you get good and forgiven, you go & mess it up again! You're worse than Bruce!! And I tried, even though it was so hard, Mommy I tried to give you the opportunity to be my mother again. When you grounded me, I let you. I never snuck out, or just did what I wanted to do anyway. Even though I could've. I had every right to. I didn't. I tried to honor you. To do right by you. And that was hard for me too, but I did it. But now, thats not even an option now. You don't get to be my mother now. You don't get all the perks of having a child and none of the responsibilities Mom. You don't get to do that! And you've never really faced the responsibilities. Every time something goes wrong, you hand me off. You run away. I'm the ONE person that's never run out on you mom! I've never left. Yea, I've talked my shit but I'm entitled. Pardon my language, I was trying to go the whole post without it, but it didn't work. I'll try harder. You've never stuck it out with me mom. You've always let someone else handle the problem for you. And now you're doing it with AnnMarie. You're just letting her go. You're just running from it. And what're you gonna do with Jon mom? Boys can't take that! He's gonna end up like Isaiah if you don't treat him well. You've got to eventually step up to the plate and realize that YOU have three children.

I just, gawsh, like I really don't know what to do anymore. And you know this has always been our thing, we write letters, cus we cry so freakin much. And I hope you're not crying right now. Even though I'm fairly certain you are. And I just want you to know that I really am trying. And I need you to work with me. Ma, you sit at home all day. Maybe, ya know, you could clean the kitchen? You could straighten the bathroom? Maybe? I mean....come on. I'm trying. You've just gotta give me somewhere to start. Please just give me somewhere to start ma?

I'm going to be conveniently asleep when you read this. I'm sorry for being a brat really. I'm sorry for making things harder than they already are for you. I really am. I just, I can't not tell you whats going on for me right now. Thats not fair or healthy for either one of us. We'll get through this Ma, just like we get through everything else. But we're not gonna get anywhere just lying on the ground and taking it. We've gotta fight ma. I need you to fight with me? KK?

Truly,
Ashley.



I wrote a poem today. I'll post it.......later.
Cus we lost it all, nothing lasts forever. I'm sorry, I can't be perfect
'qone.

Darian*now was wrong?
Ash*people get on my fuckin nerves is all
Darian*on hea?
Ash*nah. don't nobody give a fuck about niggas on yahoo. :-j
Darian*like
Darian*jus people u kno?
Ash*fam
Darian*o
Darian*how u gonna get rid of da bullshit
Ash*i can't
Ash*the bullshit is my mother
Darian*wha she did 2 u
Ash*nothing. thats the problem
Ash*she doesn't
Ash*do
Ash*any
Ash*fucking
Ash*thing
Ash*i'm the only person in this house with a job
Ash*+ i go to school
Ash*+ i cook
Ash*+ i clean
Ash*+ i go to church
Ash*+ outside choir performaces
Ash*&& all this female o
Ash*do*
Ash*is bitch
Ash*and moan
Ash*and tell me the house is still a mess
Ash*and ask me for fucking money
Ash*and try to tell me what to do
Ash*with my shit
Ash*like all her advice
Ash*worked so well for her
Darian*wow @ her
Darian*all dat
Darian*id b tryna move out
Ash*i am moving out
Ash*in Jan when i turn 18
Ash*but
Ash*its only May now
Ash*&& if i left now
Ash*she wouldn't have enough money
Ash*to fuckin breathe
Ash*&& even tho she get on my gotdamn nerves
Ash*i'm not gone leave her out in the cold like that
Ash*&& i'm not gone leave my little brother out in the cold like that
Ash*i'm just irritated
Ash*cus this is fucking bullshit
Darian*so u jus gon take da shit for a year?
8Ash*half a year*
Ash*&& yea
Ash*the fuck else i'm supposed to do?
Ash*thats still my mother
Darian*yea
Darian*i know


Complain complain complain complain nag nag complain. Gone tell me I can't got to work Monday night cus she has a date with a dude she met on BLACKPLANET. And ask me for gas money in the same sentence. UGHHHHHH i'm through. Like hella. I know summa yall are confused right now cus you're thinking I got the coolest mom in the world, but in reality she's just making up for bullshit in the past. Very few people know what my mom has put me through, and a couple years of her being cool and cracking jokes isn't a blessing from god, its exactly what the fuck I deserve. I just don't see how she's seriously doing this. Like its okay to do it. Like isn't something in your head ashamed that your daughters giving you money for gas? That you're driving your neices car? That your brother's paying your rent? That the governments buying your groceries? && don't you think that shame would maybe PREVENT you from talking SO MUCH SHIT ABOUT EVERYTHING? Nope. Exact opposite response. Its because she feels so ashamed that she acts like this. BEcause she wants the whole world to think she's in control. Ma, if by any chance you decided to come read my blog today, I want you to kno that I know that you're not in control. && I want you to know that this lil facade you put on for other people is getting on my nerves. && that you should practice being more concerned with what you're family thinks then "other people" cus, as I'm sure you've noticed, its not "other people" that pay your bills when times get hard. Its us.

But oh, when I look around, and think things over..All of my good days outweigh my bad days, so I won't complain
'qone.

New songs on the blog

1) Going On - Gnarles Barkley
2) Dear Self - Beanie Sigel

First one's at the front of the playlist, last ones at the back.

I finished the Iron Man review, its on Hip-Hop Hurray, not that anyone cares, seeing as the movie came out two weeks ago. I know. I'm slipping. I don't care at the moment. Blah.

Its hot yo.

Anyone who needs what they want, but doesn't want what they need, I want nothing to do with. Because I do what I do what I want, and to do what I please is first on my to-do list
'qone.

edit*
Zula's cupcake is cute.
My little girl reading comic books was cuter
&& i'ma steal
that whole blog idea
Lmao

*Ash: wait
*Ash: !!!!! @ you
* PenisMcPenis ®: ?!!!!
*Ash: theeee fuck did you get the new blog link from?
* PenisMcPenis ®: off your blog:))
* PenisMcPenis ®: dh
*Ash: lmao @ me
*Ash: wow
*Ash: i'm sleepy
* PenisMcPenis ®: ))))
*Ash: nah you don't even know.
*Ash: gawsh.
*Ash: i'ma blog it
* PenisMcPenis ®: YES !
*Ash: lol kk

So i got up at 8 today cus I had to be at work at 9 fifteen. Okay yea sure. So I get there && realize two things. 1) the monthly vaginal bleeding as begun && 2) my managers not there. Now the only reason I was there at 9:15 was cus I had to leave at 3 for a concert on the other side of town at 6. My mother was in the boonies doing a carwash/bakesale for another choir she's involved with. Anyway. So i'm cramping, but thankfully my girl Kayla had had a dentists appt earlier that day so she had some pain pills on her. Then when she went on her half hour break she went to the store and bought me some necessities. I love that chick. Like forreal. But anyway, while she was on her break, I was working with this girl Keely. She's not new, she just normally doesn't work concessions so sometimes she does hella dumb shit. So anyway yall know how the popcorn normally spins around in the little bucket thingy? Or even if you've only ever made it in the microwave, even in the microwave it spins. Cus if it doesn't the kernels will burn. Anyway, in real popcorn poppers the spinny thingy is called an agitator. && ours got stuck. It happens every once in a while, you've just got to get this big silver bowl && dumb the burnt batch into it, but you've got to do it before the popcorns finished popping or you get burning pieces of popcorn kernel flying at you. So anyway Keely knew the agitator had stopped, but she didn't tell me until the first piece flew out and burned her. So i'm like okay run in the back && get the bowl. So i'm standing in front of the popper because if one of those flaming kernels hits a customer thats my ass. Not even Keely's because I'm the senior concessionist, so its my ass. && this bitch got in the back && decided to act stupid. Well basically, she couldn't find the bowl, && meanwhile, the popper was exploding. I have burns on my face, my arms, and all down my chest. And in the end, I had to go get the bowl my damn self, because she couldn't find it. Anyway then the lady covering for my manager didn't let me off on time so i was an hour late for my choir performance, which was supposed to be at 6. but I didn't get there until 7. It was bomb in case you were wondering. That didn't end till nine. Mom came && picked me up, then we came back to Aunty Isha && thems house cus my Aunty Josie && my nana are here from LA. Aunty Josie = Coolness. Nana = The devil incarnate. She tried to suffocate my finger with this damn ring she bought off QVC. AND she thinks I smoke crack. ehh, w/e. So we stayed over there talking to them till about 15 past 12. So then we came home and had popsicles. And now i'm blogging.

So just so we're clear.
a) I was up at 8.
b) I worked 7 hours
c) I have multiple burns
d) my period started
e) I've got bitch ass family in town for a week
f) I had to perform, in heels.


I don't even like know whats going on right now. Its like all a dream. Like i hella wanna say hi to everybody before i like pass out cus I kno I haven't been on all day, but my niggas I'm sleepy.

Lmao @ i'm hella not giving anybody my blog link anymore. Fuck yall. If you want it you can find it. End.

I don't look like what I've been through. Oh no I don't look like what I've been through. I can smile now, no longer mad now, everythings new now. Because I went through
'qone.

I'ma leave my blog like this for fucking ever. Its pretty yo. I like it. Yeapsss. Iono tho. Cus i'm getting sick of my myspace, && i usually change em at the same time. I was actually gonna take the banner from there && use it here. But blah, whatever. Moving on to something more semi substantial.

I got paid today. Bought the babies birthday present. Yay. Made a nail appt, paid my phone bill. Now i gotta give mom some money for the water && then I'm straight. Life's a walk in the park. Ain't heard from ol dude since Wednesday which is something very closely resembling a blessing. I lowkey hope he moved out of state. That would make shit a whole lot easier for me.

Is it just here, or do mexicans like to pop out in the summer time? they was ALL OVERRR the place today. My question being "where was yall on Cinco de Mayo tho?" Notta one Mexican that whole day. I'm the only one seeing something wrong with that?

Slowllyyyyy I am overcoming my ultra super shyness. I think. Possibly. Don't test that shit tho cus I might be wrong. I've been better tho. Huh Zula? I ask Zula cus she the only one introducin me to muhfuckas. Oh && sam. to Chuck. Which don't count cus he doesn't speak. Lmao all I got from Daniel was fucking Kalores. Thx =|.

Even though literary-romance is gone *deep sigh* I still really wanna change my blog link. c0mplexities is irritating me. Persuasi0n was alright but I wasn't really persuading anybody to do anything so it seemed kinda dumb. I need something all encompassing. Something that actually says something about me. Ya think? I think.

Has this been random? I do believe it has. Its all good though. Those who kno and love me kno and love my randomness. Lmao sam figured out this morning that I actually can't spell. that was such a tragedy.

GIMME BLOGLINK IDEAS BITCHES!!

&& i'm pretty sure thats the end.

And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you? Now you tell me how could it be any better than this?
'qone.

I have a bone to pick with you Zula. A really big bone. A certain 6'7" bone. How is it...yesh, explain to me how it is, that you can go on this nigga blog, && preserve his natural colors but when you come on MY shit, you always leave me wit some lime green hot pink puke orange colored madness && a damn cheetah girls quote? Splain it to me Zula. Nah. You know what? Ion even want it. No Zula! Don't speak. Your explanations mean nothing to me. I see how things really are now. I see where I stand with you. *sniffles*

THATS WHY YOU AIN'T GET TO WATCH NARUTO TILL ALL SUPER EXTRA FUCKING LATE

I'm mad in my head, I like to think I know how people are gonna react when they read my blogs. lmao at this point....

Sam: o.o
Danny: /:)
Kris: :O =;


am i right? am i right? Fuck yall of course I'm right. Nobody else reads it so they don't matter. Except for Darian, who is straight facing the shit outta his monitor right now. Bet money. Lmao. Anyways...Oh yea Sam inform your boyfriend/fiancee/lover person that i'm psychic. He don't know.

Uhm...so yea. I'ma need yall to understand that I'm going off three hours of sleep and my day ain't even half over. I still gotta take the train to portland, sing, && take the train back. Whoo hoo. Sounds like a blast right? Nah nigga. Just...nah.

I don't feel like blogging anymore. I actually really posted this blog so you won't read the one before it. lmao i'm mad I told yall that. ehh. w/e. yall some older posts clickin muhfuckas anyway.

I'm done now!!!

a dream, a simple fantasy that I wish was reality. That you'd come knocking at my door and we, we'd live this dream once more...
'qone.

edit*
*gasp* @ I almost forgot. RIP to literary-romance.blogspot.com. I never should've let you go.

Why does nobody understand how frustrating this is for me? He's cute dammit!!! && he's feeling me. More than physically. He doesn't know it yet but he's hooked. And then there's her. Gawsh i'm not really that girl am I? This is my self esteem fuckin up. I know yall realize I've spent the last couple months talking about love && relationships and then this nigga comes along. So i'm just jumping at it. Rolling with it. Like can we say fuck morality for eight seconds? Can I just live? I expect so much from myself and I have no fun, and the last time I did it was a disaster. It changed my life and the life of my family forever. So as much as I want to, i'm not sure if I want to take that leap again. & I know the chances of something that terrible happening again is slim but I can't risk it. I'm not ready to risk it. Yall get that right? I'm not wrong am I? Living in fear, possibly, but its understandable right? Blah. I don't even know. Somebody call me an idiot and just tell me what to do. Making decisions is so beyond me right now.

*rip to literary-romance. Yes i'ma keep saying that*

'qone.

Pre-paper writing blog

[text message received]:
I fill like you want to jump my bones you just aren't sure enough yet. Maybe?
[/text]

LMAO! I'm not over that. I'm not havin sex with you honey. You can't spell feel. Thats a no no.


Good lord. But today was cool. This blog is pointless I just really had to put that text message somewhere. Lawd.

*R.I.P http://literary-romance.blogspot.com* Sleep well until the day I see you again. =[


'qone.

I'm changing my blog link back to literary-romance when I get home. Change it.
Yea I know. Its the OCD, which is entirely Sam's fault
Don't ask me how
It just is
Have a blessed day mii loves
=]

'qone.

edit*

http://literary-romance.blogspot.com/ <---- click it!!!
:-O
:((
FUCK THEM THO!!!

Me*:: ;;)
[ .peanut butter. ] pt. duex: lol
[ .peanut butter. ] pt. duex: guess wha :)
Me*:: wha?
[ .peanut butter. ] pt. duex: im not special :)
Me*:: you will be at the end of the month :)))
[ .peanut butter. ] pt. duex: wow
[ .peanut butter. ] pt. duex: i aint kno u was a dickrida :-O
Me*:: :))) i'll stop bein one
Me*:: at the end
Me*:: of the month
Me*:: =))))
[ .peanut butter. ] pt. duex: aight :)
Me*:: :)
Me*:: so why aren't you special
[ .peanut butter. ] pt. duex: cuz
[ .peanut butter. ] pt. duex: kris told me i wasnt
Me*:: awwwie
[ .peanut butter. ] pt. duex: ayo
[ .peanut butter. ] pt. duex: wen u gonna get a bf
[ .peanut butter. ] pt. duex: rite at da end of da month huh? wen i get my mic :)
Me*:: =)))
Me*:: nah
Me*:: when i find
Me*:: the right one
Me*:: but it'll prolly be
[ .peanut butter. ] pt. duex: lol
Me*:: at the end
Me*:: of one of them
Me*:: months =)))
[ .peanut butter. ] pt. duex: prolly
[ .peanut butter. ] pt. duex: wat u doin doe
Me*:: shit chillin. readin blogs && talkin to sam
Me*:: gimme your link
[ .peanut butter. ] pt. duex: naw..ima give it 2 u at da end of da month
[ .peanut butter. ] pt. duex: :))
Me*:: =))))
[ .peanut butter. ] pt. duex: ^_^
Me*:: :* *on the cheek*
[ .peanut butter. ] pt. duex: y i get a kiss?
[ .peanut butter. ] pt. duex: im not special
[ .peanut butter. ] pt. duex: :)
Me*:: you might not be special
Me*:: but you're my favorite
Me*:: :)
Me*:: till the end of the month
[ .peanut butter. ] pt. duex: okkkkk
Me*:: :) so watchu doin/
[ .peanut butter. ] pt. duex: downloadin songs
[ .peanut butter. ] pt. duex: prolly wont b done till da end of da month doe
[ .peanut butter. ] pt. duex: :)
Me*:: :)
Me*:: you needa get
Me*:: some new internet at the end of the month then :)
[ .peanut butter. ] pt. duex: why dont u get me some
AM Me*:: cus my check don't come till the end of the month :-??
[ .peanut butter. ] pt. duex: damn
[ .peanut butter. ] pt. duex: u must b broke as shit den
Me*:: only till the end of the month :)
[ .peanut butter. ] pt. duex: :)

A few moments later...

[ .peanut butter. ] pt. duex: u a hoe doe :-<
[ .peanut butter. ] pt. duex: i hope u stop bein a hoe at da end of da month doe
[ .peanut butter. ] pt. duex: pull off a rae rae Me*:: :)))))
Me*:: yea well i hope your dick fall off at the end of the month
Me*:: && you start havin periods
Me*:: montly
Me*:: so you'll be more careful
Me*:: about your increments of time
[ .peanut butter. ] pt. duex: shut up
[ .peanut butter. ] pt. duex: ur wack
Me*:: when you use em in coversation
[ .peanut butter. ] pt. duex: dat was lame.....................
Me*:: lmao not as lame as the fact you actually let that shit come out your mouth in the first place
Me*:: Its cool tho
Me&:: I'll get better
Me*:: At the end
Me*:: Of the month.


Lmao thats cool. I got your blog link anyway. I'm boutta link you. As "laughter". Somebody's mad OHNO?!

olderposts

*sigh* So i just discovered I don't have school tomorrow, which is beautiful cause it'll give me time to get back on track. I'm slippin yall. Like I'm all off. My schedule is fucked. This school, work, church, havin a life thing is gettin a lil hectic. But I shall work it out. Have to. *Hums No Other Choice*

Ehh, flip the track to No Matter What && take a step into my head for a second.

This my family anthem real talk. My immediate family. The one's in my house. Fuck them niggas up the street. Nah forreal I'm through with them. Mom got two interviews tomorrow. Give her her props for that. She has been trying. My little brother won the math award for his whole school. My babies smarter than 5th graders. [he's in 1st]. His birthdays comin up && act like I'm not prepared to blow my wholleee check on the baby. 7's a big number. He's not a baby anymore. This weekend I'm goin to stay wit some friends uptown. After work. + I got a choir performance. I know that sounds like a whole lotta randomness but...

Them niggas took everything we had. They thought. They took our house, they took our car, they took our money. But they left somethin. Spirit. We been through too much to let some muhfuckas from Oregon keep us down. So if you're reading this: My mother will not stay jobless. My little brother will not be as ignorant as you. And I am not afraid anymore.

"I ain't dead, I ain't done, I ain't scared (of what?) I ain't run (from who?) Still I stand. No matter what people here I am. No matter what. Listen I ain't break. I ain't fold. They hate me more, yea I know. But here I go. No matter what people here I go. No Matter What"

=]
'qone.



Edit*

I redid Kris blog. Its purty go look.

Sam*: I Am Weasel!: word he right...we waiting for the end of the month OH NO?!

[I'm puttin OHNO?! at the end of EVERYTHINGGGGG NOW]



OHNO?!

My mother is currently on blackplanet caking her lil ass off. lmao she jus keeps giggling && sayin "o0o" && like doin lil hand movements at the computer like them niggas can see her. =| Christie stop. You are grown. Lmao but its mothers day so I'ma let her have her fun. I love how I said that like these niggas ain't gone be after her tomorrow. && the day after that. && the day after that. I mean come on. Have you seen my mother? If you haven't [click it]. Lmao i love how half yall have seen my mom && you gone click it anyway. Cus she's just that pretty. *prays I'll get to look like her when I grow up*

Moving on, AnnMarie didn't call to tell mom Happy Mother's Day. Well, I just got on aim && told her to so she's about to but....=/. Yall feel me.

Moving on again, the new person on my essentials is Jill, my best friend since 10th grade. (i was in 10th she was in 9th) so yea. She ain't blogged nothin yet. That was for the nosies that were wondering.

Moving on a third time? Yesh. Zula I'd be glad to do your blog. I'll even do it in bright ass colors. I have an idea actually. I saw these forces (that i plan on purchasing shortly) that were like this, this, this, this, && then some white. Trust me love ; i could make that hot. lmao jus let me know. Amazing how little we talk considering you're one of the *counts on fingers* 3 ppl I met on the internet who has my phone number. Sheesh.

I think thats all I have to say. While I was being nosy today ; I saw a banner thats inspiring me to step my game up. I'm not gone show yall cus then you gone kno who's blog I was spying on but! Know that if//when I do Kris' blog it'll be the shit for the simple fact that I've been inspired.

Kris happy as hell right now like \:D/ oh shit i got the good stuff\:D/. yesh Zula, you do.

'qone.

Hella.Fucking.Beautiful.

I'm feelin like Zula right now ; lovin the change. New blog link. New blog layout. New Music.
Thee blog is currently bumping to 4 songs:
How Big Is Your World - Median
Cold Hearted - Blue
Just Listen - AdV
No Matter What - T.I.

&& that No Matter What? Flip to that real quick if it ain't on right now. Thats boutta be my new shit. However, that Cold Hearted is also insane.

Absolutely nothing to blog about. Me && Cyn had study group today. Cept for we ain't study we just kinda guessed really smartly. Lmao. We passed either way so fuck it. Now i'm pretty much chillin eatin ice cream before I gotta get on the bus for an hour to go watch this play thats required for my Drama class. I have no problem with plays or things of the nature, its fun to just be out of the house. However, this bitch happens to be three hours long, which changes the perspective of things a bit.

lookbackatme.mp3 huh? /:)
-downloads.

"But she a freak do...."
;]

'qone.

Bleh lemme just vent for a minute. It has nothing to do with yall so I'd actually like you to not read it. Thx.

See the problem with this whole "okay lets just leave it at friendship" thing, is that you don't kno how to just be my friend. You're either lovey dovey or an asshole cus you got rejected, tryna show out in front of your friends so that you can feel like you're on top of the world. When we're being "just friends" you say shit like "sometimes your just hella fucking stupid" when I ask innocent questions like "its Tuesday right?" Or you'll say shit like "you're an asshole" when I tell you I don't feel like talking right now. Or shit like "you're that one person in my life that I want even know there's nothing about you worth wanting." ME NIGGA?! ME!!!????. fuck outta here! fuck YOU. n fuck alllllllla that shit you talkin. Fuck it up the ass with a rusty pipe and no vaseline. FUCK IT. When you were claiming you were depressed cus i left you, sittin on ya moms couch eatin cereal at 4 in the afternoon with no job, no money, no education, no nothin, who was on the phone with you tryna motivate you to get a damn job? ME. who tried to convince you to go back to school? ME. && now just cus I don't want to be with you that way I have nothing worth wanting? I think you've got that confused. Because YOU'RE the one doing the wanting. So I should be saying there's nothing about YOU to want, seeing as I don't want you. BUT I WOULD NEVER SAY SOME SHIT LIKE THAT TO YOU. no matter how mad you've made me in the past I've never said anything even generally along the lines of Bruce, there's nothing about you worth wanting. EVER. How dare you put your hurt feelings on me? I've been nothing if not there for you.



&& if you, of all people, could actually let some shit like that come out of your mouth; you who's seen the majority of my changes and growths, could say there's nothing about me to want, nothing? Damn. How can I expect anyone else to see that there's anything good in me if you can't?

*sigh*
'qone.

I dare you to read it all. I double dog muhfuckin dare you to do it. You won't tho. Pussy.
[[gold stars to those that do]]

Bleh. I wanted to write about relationships. Not a blog though, like an actual article. I was going to put it on the hip-hop hurray blog. When I wrote it. But for some reason I can’t. I guess I’m just not good enough yet to take the things that really get on my nerves about life and put them into a more professional context. Its cool. I’ll get there. Until I do though, you guys are just going to have to listen to me rant and rave until I feel better. And the cool thing about writing a blog instead of an actual article is that now I get to name names. Think I won’t? Nah, you know I will.

“No I take that back cus I never really trusted you, I just did what I had to do cus I loved you.” That right there is what the fuck is wrong with relationships today. That.right.there. It is not possible to love someone that you don’t trust. It is not possible. Its possible to love someone that you don’t want to trust. Its possible for your mind to say one thing and your heart to say another. But it is not possible to not trust a person and still claim that you love them. Its just not. People use that word love way too lightly. They’ve forgotten that love is the pentacle. It’s the top. There are people that spend their whole life climbing mountains trying to get to love and you were in love at 13? Rly? Fuck outta here. No you weren’t. You were in like, strong like, heavy like, hormonally driven lust, infatuation (infatuation being the worst because that shit will make you really think you’re in love), you were fascinated, confused, enthralled. But you were not IN LOVE in middle school. ESPECIALLY not if yall broke up a year later because you got tired of each other. Nope. Love is not something you get tired of. Nor is it something you throw away. You people sicken me really.

And there are so many things I could blame. There are so many reasons I can give you as to why people claim to be in love so fucking much and aren’t. I mean, I could blame the media making every bitch you see on tv the skinniest, most terrifyingly georgeous creature you’ve ever seen in your life. Or in the case of males, the tallest, buffest, sexiest thing breathing. From the youngest age, you’re taught that that’s what you’re supposed to want, or that’s what you should be, and when you realize you aren’t that, its not even possible for you to be that, you lose confidence, you lose trust in yourself and if you don’t trust you how the hell are you going to trust somebody else? If you don’t love you how the hell do you think you’ll magically fall in love?

I could blame music, making females think that every nigga is exactly the same. Making you think that all they want is sex, or bitches and hoes, or whatever. ALL NIGGAS DON’T WANT THAT! Fuck MOST niggas don’t even want that. The problem is, they think they do. Why? 50 cent told em so. Fuck that shit. My advice as far as listenin to rappers? Only listen to the ones with longevity. Jay-Z? Married. Kanye? Engaged (well, the engagements broken at the moment but him && Lexi always get back), Nas? Married. You getting the picture? Stop fuckin listenin to the niggas that ain’t got no money!! Stop emulating the niggas that ain’t doin shit with they lives no way! You fuckin up you messin round with them. && that was my little piece for the men.

Or I could blame just, the way our world works. So much fucked up shit happens to people. So much fucked up shit, when they’re young too, that they harden their hearts. They blame the world, they blame everybody for everything. And they don’t trust anyone because of the hurt they’ve experienced. And so they’ve blocked off the possibility of love because they can’t deal with the possibility of hurt.

The saddest part about that being that these are the people who usually rush into love. They’re the ones that want somebody to love them, just to be prove that its possible for them to be loved. They want somebody to hold them and tell them everythings goin to be okay. They want someone to confide in. And so they get a boyfriend/girlfriend, and they expect that person to magically wash all the wounds away. And it might work. For a while. But eventually theres going to be a fight. And somebody’s going to say something to hurt somebody else. And because you’ve been hurt so badly in the past, you’re going to shut down. You’re not going to listen, you’re not going to try to work it out. You go straight into the battle position, and all the sudden its if you’re going to hurt me I’m going to hurt you worse. Back and forth and back in forth until everybody’s miserable. “I’m not mad.” Fuck outta here. You’re a fucking mess and you kno it. And I know it, and the person you love knows it.

The movies and books and songs make love look easy. Even the ones talking about how hard it is still make it look easy. But its not. Because there are requirements, there are things you have to do, things that its absolutely necessary to do, so that they can be happy.

So now I’m going to get to the name calling part. Because you deserve to be happy. Yes. You deserve to be happy. Kris, you deserve it. Darian, you deserve it. Samantha, you deserve it. Daniel, you deserve it. Earnest, you deserve it. Brandon, you deserve it. Shonyae, you deserve it. Alexandra, you deserve it. And I understand that there’s a fear, a fear of things not going your way. A fear of things turning for the worst, a fear of you being back in the same pain you were in before. But you’ve been in it before and you know how to come back out. Nothing is going to go your way, nothing is going to work out for you until you can push that fear away and go get what you deserve. Simply because you deserve it.

‘qone.


Whoooo!! you did not read all that shit. You read the first && last paragraphs. You are a muhfuckin lie. Lmao. I wouldn'ta read it all neither if I hadn't wrote it. Ain't that bout a blue eyed bitch...?

So i'm in psychology right? This is the tidbit I'd like to share with you. Its kinda cool.

Entanglement: its been proven that certain sub atomic particles that have been connected at some point become entangled. Therefore no matter how far away they are, what happens to one affects the other.


So if we as humans are made up of millions of particles, what are the chances that one of your particles is entangled with a particle of someone you love? Or someone you hate? Or someone you never met? That what you do affects them in even the smallest way, and what they do affects you.

That's madd cool to me.

'qone.

I've got 1234 blog views! Make a wish on it! Make a wish!!!

of course the fact that you're viewing the blog means I no longer have 1234 blog views. You fucked it up. Thx bunches for that.

But anywaysz. Just blogging to say that I'm tired cus I went to school && I went to work && I cooked && i cleaned && i changed my myspace && i'm boutta do my homework && pass out cus its bout an hour past my bedtime. [yea i got a bedtime. I'm old that way, catch up youngins] But chea. No work tomorrow so thats good. Gotta babysit tho. Bleh. Me && Jon run the house anyway its not like anybody's really gonna miss mom. When she's here its like she's gone && when she's gone we just think she's in the bathroom. Till she comes back && then we're like "oh, you left?"

I keep thinkin she's gonna die tho. Like soon. Like while I'm still here. Its only creepy cus its reoccuring. Like allllll the time I think she's gonna die. But whatever. Lets think positive. "Mommys not gonna die." Say it you fucking punks!! :((

Bleh I forgot what I was going to say. Not that it was anything meaningful.

Godfather: "How does it feel finally having money?"
Me: "I wouldn't know, I'm always giving it to you."
Godfather: "Ahh, welcome to life."

Well shit, where was I before && can I go back?

'qone.

Reason number 23876783 I miss LA: On Cinco de Mayo in LA, every fucking body parties. Black white spanish blue yellow purple you're fucking drinking a corona if you're between the ages of 8 && 98.

In Oregon the whole day passed by && i ain't see so much as a flag. Shit we can't get a fucking FLAG on Cinco de Mayo?!?! Fuck kinda bullshit? I talked to Mexicans today that ain't care it was Cinco de Mayo. Thats how you know you're in Oregon.

Anywaysz. Thee end.

'qone.

I'm mad I've never tried to blog from my phone before. Let's see if it works. Click older posts.

This yellow is bright && starting to wear at my nerves. I'll be changing it as soon as I finish this post.

[thee following post is sure to sound madd conceited]

Why is everyone so convinced that they're in love with me? Whoo, yea that did sound conceited. It was meant too tho. I mean like I'm textin Earnest talkin bout how he's gone stay single && just get focused or whatever. && i'm like yea thats all good && well but if the right girl comes along don't block her out over some shit in the past. He gone say "-looks at you." Nigga is yo eye lazy or sumn? What would you look at me for? I'm not bout shit. lmao. I mean forreal tho. Errbody kno i do/say some fucked up shit. So why would you think I'm the person that you'd actually wanna be in love with. I really don't think it has anything to do with me. I think it has a lot more to do with wanting to be in love than actually being in love. Cus i mean....summa this shit don't make no sense.

AND THEN I was talking to Brandon about how he needa go ahead && get with youknowwho. && then somehow we started talkin about me && him && how he'll never get over me or whatever because he was in love with me. FORWHAT?! Come on now. That was not nothin like a loving relationship. There wasn't enough time for you to love me. You actually don't know shit about me like. Forreal? Once again, more wanting to be in love than actually loving.

&& then last but not least this nigga Bruce who swore I was his soulmate till I told him I ain't want his ass no more then all the sudden he's like okay well lets "just be friends", except for he doesn't know how to be my friend so now he's just actin like an asshole && i'm like damn well if this is how you gone be then shit was it ever anything there to begin with? Like seriously what the fuck is the point?

I think "love" the way yall niggas is thinkin of it don't even exist. Its not some magical, fix all cure for all the problems in your life. Iono. I guess I'm just tired of people faking it. No point. Cus then when you find the real thing you won't even know what it is you'll be too busy all caught up in the fake shit. Make sense? Betchu it does.

In other news
Been talkin to my long lost favorite buddy Brian again lately. Me && this nigga go back to like 8th grade PE. What? Yes. I had the biggesttttt crush on him in 9th grade after I broke up with Jeremy. I wrote him a letter && everything. and [big surprise] I actually gave it to him. He ain't like me like that tho. He liked a girl named Andrea at the time I think. Anywaysz. -resumes aim conversation with this nigga.

'qone.

Where you are
seems to be
as far as an enternity
Outstretched arms
Open hearts
&& if it never ends
Then when do we start?

Not that that made any sense. But it did to me && thats all that matters cus its my blog =]. This is the latest I've been out on a friday && basically forever. I just got home like 7 minutes ago. But yea. I'ma finish my Taco Bell && go to sleep. Love yall.

'qone