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H on est ly ,

The night is always darkest just before the dawn.

&& Zula Bell bby
30.1.08

Lmaoooooooo Kris wanted a nickname. She got one. thats [ Zula Bell Baby ] ayo mii nigga. Its better than Bernadine. lmaoooooooo
Buh forreal who knew Angela Basset name in Waiting to Exhale was Bernadine tho?
Why the FUCK did they do that to her?
Thats why she hadda be so gangsta
Settin that nigga shit on fire
Her name was fuckin Bernadine!!!
She couldn't go out like no punk
[ Earnest needa pop that dvd in && take his ass some notes mii nigga ]
That female could teach a class
"This is how to not let your bitch ass name turn you into a bitch ass individual" 101
I kno i lottaaaaa niggas that needa be signed up for that shit.

Anywaysz.
=[ i want mii lil brother back
Fuck his gotdamn net adapter that nigga betta make his way to a local library or some shit
Get some gotdamn internet for twenty minutes so i could be happy
shiiiietttttt
=[
&& iss makin Sammy sad too cus yahoo suck without Danny
so uhm....yea he needa come back in a quick fast hurry so we could get on wif our business.

So todayyyyyy
I went to school
Took mii health exam
left
went on break
decided i wasn't going to writing
Met up wif this girl who's name is
[ Ashley ]
&& her friend Nicole
&& they said they were going down to one of the high schools to pick somethin up
&& then they were goin to get some food
&& they asked me if i wanted to come.
And since
[ the incident ] with Whitney && Jasmine; (if you don't kno; yu don't need to know)
I haven't really been out with like people like mii own age && shit so i was like sure
&& we hung out
&& we're going to the basketball game Friday night.
Yipee {^.^}

Speaking of Whitney && Friday
I'm gonna chill with Whitney on Friday
During the day && then do the game that night.
Don't ask me why cus i don't know
I mean shit if she's being sincere about wanting to be friends
Then i can give it a shot
Lemme see one sign that she's bullshittin tho
Just one
&& it can be over quick as shit mii nigga

Uhm...so everybody who's thinkin
Okay Ashley who are you officially && actually crushing on?
That would be Arvon.
LMAOOOOOO && the funny part is it ain't even over no shit he himself did on purpose
I was bored as shit today during mii break
So i went to go see if this nigga had a myspace right?
Of course he made like three but the most recent one was on the second so i go look right?
Okay this nigga has no friends
cept for like
[ Tom ]
Lmao he has no layout up
But he wrote all his shit out && errthing so i was readin it
Cus it was more words on that myspace then i have ever heard come out that nigga mouth.
[ oh yea don't ask me for no links ya nosy bastards ]
So i'm readin it
&& i'm like
why from the about me
Do arvon sound like a nigga I would fuck wit?
&& then i asked mii mom that
[ minus the f word obviously ]
&& she was like
Cus Arvon is a nigga you would fuck wit
[ minus the f word obviously ]
but yea whatever.
Thats the blog for the day

Nowwwwww
I have to go all the way in mii roommmmmmm
Get the cameraaaaaa
plug it up to the comppppp
&& upload the pic of the day
-goes

Pic Of The Day::


Story behind the picture::
Its a triangular piece of plastic
That says bitch suck this shit
that we found on the busstop
=]
Don't ask
It was a random ass situation.


&& Randomly
29.1.08

Yu know what i miss?
I miss being so crazy stupid in love wif somebody
That i hadda change the song on mii myspace every five minutes cus there wasn't just one that expressed what i felt
So dumb in love with somebody
That i wore them out from taking pictures all the time, just cus i wanted every single perfect moment captured somewhere
So in love that my hand felt weird when they weren't holding it
Or my waist felt cold without their arms around it
You know what i mean
that kind of love

I miss getting that shiver when somebody said their name
[ no not the horny shiver ]
the excited as hell shiver like oh shit my baby's here
Even if they weren't
&& i miss the smile that i can only smile when i'm in love
Like i don't know where that bitch goes when i'm not in love
but you will never see a smile like the one i've got when i love somebody
I miss that shit

&& i miss actually giving a shit what the date was cus that meant we'd been together a day longer
And stupid shit like that
lmao yea
i miss that shit
=]


;& DF Nigga......;*

Chea this blog is pretty purposeless

I hate it when people say
Ashley that was so random
Df
nigga do you know who you're talking to?
Like anybody
ANYBODY
who has spoken to me for more than 5 minutes
will tell you i'm random as shit
and then you start talkin
and wanna say
I'm random
=|
do you want a cookie for that discovery mii nigga?
Is Vanna White supposed to start pointin to your prizes?
I mean like, what the FUCK was the point of that?

Moving on.

I had this hugeeeee
longgggg
epicccccc
ass dream about what my life's gone be like when i move to LA
lmao i'ma planner
I plan shit out
years in advance
&& i hate
when people say shit
or like make "plans"
that aren't forreal
their like fake plans
that they don't really plan on doing.
Like if thats the kinda person you are
Thats all good && well
But don't involve me in your half ass plans that you don't really want planned out
That shit irks me
Cus if you say
Oh i wanna be an astronaut by 2010
My super plannin ass will get on google lookin up trainin programs n shit
just so you could say you wasn't serious
Then i'ma be mad
And you gone be like well ain't nobody tell you to get all involved
Nigga
Thats just me

So yea, don't do that shit no more
It messes wif mii head
Real talk

&& uhm...
You know how when you're little
&& ur mom tells you to do ur chores
You're alwaysz like well mom whats your chore?
&& she be like i'm payin the bills.
Okay so why this mornin
Mom was screamin cus the house wasn't clean
And my lil brother
gone say
Well mommy we don't have food
Or cable
And the guy came about the rent twice
......
&& everybody just got HELLA quiet
like i hadda move over there closer to him to make sure she ain't hit him
Cus the nigga was real right.
She ain't doin her chores
df we gone do ours for?
And so she stopped screamin
[ && started cryin ]
&& so then i hadda calm her down
And then this bitch made me take the bus to school
In the snow
So now i'm sick


And that mii dears
Is the end
Of this blog
-looks for pic of the day
..........

Pic of the Day::


Deucesz
=]


Go Baby [Ch. 2][pt 3]
27.1.08

Seeing as those were her three least favorite ways to feel, she called up her play sister Patriece and asked if she was doing anything that night. When Patriece said no, Whitney informed her to find something cute to wear because that night, they were going clubbing. Getting out of the house always made her feel better. Rolling around Portland in her pretty ass car was the best feeling in the world. So she got off the phone with Patriece, called up Jasmine to see if she wanted to go, which she didn’t, and then started looking at what she wanted to wear.
Her closet was full, as always, with designer clothes that’d she’d bought over the summer, but there was nothing that was really catching her eye. Realistically she could go buy something new, even though her mother had told her to stop spending so much money. She hated that.
Isn’t that the reason you did all this shit, she asked herself bitterly, so you could buy yourself a car and maybe have enough money to get your own place and move the hell away from this bitch? How the fuck did you get stuck like this? You got a cheatin ass boyfriend, a controlling ass mom, and no real friends, cus everybody around you is using you for your money. And the only person who was ever anything anywhere near close to a friend to you won’t even talk to you anymore cus she knows damn well you stole her shit. Is this what you wanted?
Tears started to well up in her eyes. But she shook them off. Hell no she wasn’t gonna cry. She picked out a bright red top from bebe, her black rock & republics and her red j’s. Yea that was a cute lil fit, she thought as she went to get in the shower. This was gonna be a good night if it killed her.
She grabbed her laptop and got on myspace, starting leaving comments to all the people she knew in Portland except Ashley about a huge party going down at club zone in downtown Portland. She got about seven comments back from guys saying they couldn’t wait to meet her or they’d see her there or something like that.
Knowing that Patriece knew everybody in the city she called her up and instructed her to do the same thing. They were gonna take over the city tonight. Her boyfriend could work or fuck his side hoe or drive to sacremento or smoke till he didn’t rmember his name, she didn’t care. This was her night dammit. And hopefully somebody she met tonight knew Ashley well enough to go back and tell her what a wonderful time they’d had. That’d serve that little backstabbing bitch right. Ashley probably wasn’t doing anything this Saturday night but sitting in her room on her computer listening to old ass music and reading a book. She was so boring.
Back to thinking about Ashley, part of her mind thought, but she couldn’t help it. That little girl got on her nerves. What you think about you give power to, she repeated over and over in her mind, until she wasn’t thinking about Ashley anymore. And at that exact moment, her mother came into the room.
“Whitney where are you going?” She asked, looking around at the clothes that had been laid out on the bed.
“Me and Patriece are going clubbing tonight.” She responded easily.
“Not you’re not.” Olga said. Whitney turned to look at her.
“Why the hell not?” She asked. Olga took a couple steps closer.
“Watch your mouth young lady. Don’t forget that I’m your mother.” Ugly said in what was supposed to be an intimidating voice. Whitney almost laughed at her.
“Watch your tone, old lady. Don’t forget that if it wasn’t for me you’d still be living in a piece of shit apartment in Tigard.” And she walked around her mother, into the bathroom to go get ready to leave.



When Cynthia Barker Moore walked into her house on Saturday afternoon she walked in with a smile that almost wouldn’t let her get through the door. She called out to her husband.
“Jerome!!” Her voice carried through the house. He appeared at the top of the stairs, looking tired, with their sleeping three year old daughter Leanna in tow.
“Wat woman? You see this girl sleepin what you screaming for?” He asked grouchily. But Cynthia knew he was just tired, and that her news would cheer him up considerably.
“Arvon here?” She asked. He rolled his eyes at her. “Where else would he be? Its not like the lil nigga got a life, or a job, or a girl or nothing like that.” At this she grinned almost uncontrollably.
“He’s got a date with Ashley later on this evening.” She said. Jerome’s mouth dropped open. “A date with Ashley who?” He asked.
Cynthia laughed. “Ashley you was tryna get him to go to prom with on your birthday.” Now Jerome was smiling.
“I knew them two lil weird niggas was gone like each other.” He said. Then he called Arvon down from his room.
“So where you takin her?” Jerome asked when Arvon was halfway down the stairs. The young boy rolled his eyes.
“How do old people know everything?” HE asked, more to himself then his parents.
“We’re old, we ain’t got shit else to do but be in your business.” Cynthia chuckled. “So where you takin her?”
Arvon stared at the two, who were gonna gang up on him until he told them where he was taking her. He might wanna be nice and do what they said since he fully intended on taking the car.
“A bunch of my friends from the team are having a date night type situation and I needed to take somebody.” He shrugged his shoulders.
“Okayyyy, but where are you going nigga?” Jerome asked, raising an eyebrow.
“Movies.” Arvon said, turning around and having every intention of leaving the room when he turned around again.
“But seriously how did you know I was taking her out?” he asked, generally confused.
“T, you raised the slowest boy in the history of slow boys in history, I’m telling you.” Jerome shook his head and opened the refridgerator.
“Ashley called Chris to ask if she could go out tonight so naturally Chris asked her where she was going, and she told her. So chris called me so I told Jerome.” Cynthia beamed at her son. She was so happy. Finally, her son was dating a girl that wasn’t stupid or stuck up or a hoe, or white. A good church girl, that sang in the choir and actually listened when the preacher spoke. What kind of mother didn’t want her son dating a girl like that?
Seeing his mother’s happiness he took this opportunity to drop the bomb.
“So can I take the car?” Arvon asked quickly. And Jerome shot straight up, banging his head against the top of the refrigerator.
“Hell no boy!!!” He shouted, waking up the baby. She started to cry
“Now look what you did.” Cynthia glared at him. “Yeah Arvon, you can take the car.” She said, and she walked upstairs.
“T!!” Jerome called after her. “What if I need the car?” She stopped, turned, and looked at him.
“What bills you payin?” She asked him quietly, and that was the end of the discussion. Jerome went in the living room to watch tv with the baby, Arvon went back up to his room to get ready, and Cynthia went to sleep, happy that her son had finally found a good Christian girl.



Go Baby [Ch. 2][pt 2]


Just as she got settled back into her book, her phone vibrated again, this time, it was actually ringing. Excitement and dread washed over her again. Oh no this bitch is not actually calling me, she thought frantically, but when she pulled out the phone she let out a huge sigh of relief. It was just TT. She answered the phone happily, she was always happy when she talked to TT, they would just sit and laugh at dumb stuff, like what level they were at in their computer games, or the stupid deals people made on Deal or No Deal, or what she was gonna teach Ashley to cook the next time they came over.
“Hello?...Oh hey Arvon…” the stupid smile formed on her face. He’d never called her before. He sounded hella different on the phone.
“Aint you supposed to be at practice or somethin’?....Oh…you just got home?..okay.” They made small talk idly. He told her he was boutta make some food, she called him fat, they laughed, the usual. It was only when she realized she was almost at her stop that she thought about how long they’d been talking. She ain’t have minutes for stuff like this.
“Uhm….Von, I’m almost at mii hair appointment so..I’ma have to go.” She said, politely trying to get him the fuck off her phone.
“Oh, that’s cool, “ he replied, “But uhm.. I called cus I was wondering if you might wanna go see this movie with me and some friends tonight.” H said shyly.
Ashley took the phone off her ear and stared at it. This nigga just asked her out. She remembered hearing in a movie somewhere that you were never supposed to be available if a man asked you out for the night of. But…..well she was available. And shit like that had never made much sense to her anyway so she said yes, he told her he’d pick her up at six, and they got off the phone.
She walked into the hair salon with all the excitement and none of the dread she had when her phone first rang. She did a little dance in her head. Lalalalala I have a date.
Then she laughed at herself for being so silly and went on about her business. She texted her mom to make sure she didn’t have any other plans for that night, and her mother, of course, was thrilled. She called almost immediately.
“You have a date!!!???” She almost screamed through the phone. Ashley laughed. She wasn’t big on dating so it was reasonable that everyone would be excited. But damn did she have to scream through the phone like that?
“Yea mom, I have a date. Unless you need me to do something else.” She said.
“Oh No!!!” Her mother screamed some more, “I don’t have anything. You just, tell Trish about your date, have her put some curls in your hair or something pretty, for your date.”
“Mom you don’t have to keep saying the word date.” Ashley sighed into the phone. She grinned at her mother’s excitement, but it was still kinda irritaiting.
“Am I not allowed to be excited that my little girl is going on a date!?” She cried. Ashley laughed.
“No mom, you’re not allowed to be exicted. I’ll talk to you later. DON’T.CALL.TT MOM!! She shouted. “Last thing I need is Jerome all on me bout this. Don’t do it.” Her mom laughed at her.
“Of course I’m callin Cynthia, why wouldn’t I?” and she hung up the phone. Ashley stared at it.
“This bitch…..” She muttured, but she stopped as her hairdresser started asking her questions about what she wanted done.
She stared at herself in the mirror for a long time before she replied, “Some curls maybe. I’ve got a date tonight.”




Whitney sat on her bed watching tv pretending she wasn’t thinking about Ashley. That lil stupid fake bitch got on her nerves. Always thinking she was better than somebody. Always thinking she knew everything. Didn’t she know she just looked stupid now? Wasn’t it obvious that Whitney had one. It was her with the gorgeous house and the gorgeous car and the gorgeous boyfriend. Ashley didn’t have shit anymore. She was at the bottom, the very bottom. Her mom didn’t even have a car anymore. And still, still she had the nerve to wanna talk shit? What was wrong with her?
Marcell walked in the room and sat on the bed. She moved over so he could get more comfortable. Ever since he’d cheated on her she’d been doing whatever she needed to do to keep him happy, but usually he just wanted to be by himself, so she was surprised that he wanted to come lay next to her.
They sat that way, without talking or touching too much, until her show went off. Then he kissed her on the cheek and asked for some money for gas.
“What happened to the money I gave you last week?” She asked him suspiciously. He rolled his eyes at her.
“We went to Sacramento in my car remember? That’s where the gas went. I need some more to get to work and back. Or I could just take your car.” He said rudely. She looked down. Part of her wanted to tell him to get the fuck out of her house, to stop using her like she knew he was. But the other part of her, the smarter, less emotional part of her knew she couldn’t get rid of him. Ever. He knew too much for her to let him go. So no matter what he did, how much he cheated, how much money he asked for, she had to give him whatever he wanted, that was the only way to protect her family and herself.
So she sighed and gave him 40 dollars to fill up his tank. And as he went to leave the room she called out after him.
“I love you.” But she got no reply, and the silence that echoed after made her feel small and lonely and pathetic.


Go Baby [Ch. 2][pt 1]


Two weeks later, Ashley was on the bus on the way to Porland to get her hair done, when she got a text message from an unknown number.
So I hear u got a boyfriend, it read.
Ashley frowned at the message, wondering who could have sent it, and what the hell they were talking about.
She didn’t wanna be rude, in case this was someone she knew, just a number she’d forgotten to get, so instead of sayin the first thing that popped into her head, she responded:
New phone. No numbers. Who’s This?
She stared out the window with her iPod playing while waiting for the response. She glanced at the phone to make sure she wasn’t going to be late for her appointment, and when she saw that everything was going according schedule, she took out her book and started reading, it was a really good story, and she’d been thinking about what might possibly happen to the characters all day.
Just when she got settled in good, her phone vibrated, she pulled it out to look, and was hit with the familiar mix of excitement and irritation. It made her head hurt a little and her stomach ache a lot. The text said one thing.
Wifey.
She immediately saved the number as Whitney, so that she’d know if Whitney ever called or texted, whether or not to answer. Where she had once been like an addiction, like air to Ashley, now she was like some rare food that you could only eat in very careful moderation. You could really do without it entirely but if you ate some everynow and then you’d be fine. But if you ate too much it’d fuck you all up. Yeap. That was Whitney.
No, no boyfriend. Where’d you hear that? She responded in what she hoped was a friendly matter. She didn’t want the girl to think she was being rude. Not tha she was afraid of Whitney, she just really didn’t need anymore trouble with the girl. Her and her family had been through enough already at the young girls expense.
Ashley shook her head and went back to her book, knowing now that she wouldn’t get comfortable until her conversation with her ex best friend was over. She looked at the words on the page but they were all gibberish, because her mind was really focused on how Whitney would’ve found out anything about her life at all. But really she already knew. Brandon had done it.
Brandon was probably still talking to Jasmine who was the other girl who had helped ruin her life. And as far as she knew, Jasmine and Whitney were still in contact. So there it was. Even though she really didn’t wanna think that Brandon would put her business in the street like that.
But as far as he knew, Ashley, Jasmine and Whitney were still friends, they just weren’t the best of friends anymore, so there wouldn’t be any reason for him to not tell her.
She shook her head in disappointment. Silly dumb dumb had gone and fucked everything up. And she couldn’t even be mad at him for it. Poor thing didn’t know any better.
The phone vibrated, she rolled her eyes. Excitement and dread had both disappated. She just didn’t wanna do this anymore.
I know everything about you Wifey, the text read. And Ashley rolled her eyes again. Oh this bitch was on something, she thought to herself, and we need to stop talking, cus if I tell this girl what I actually think, its gone be a fight. Ashley smiled, and then made herself stop. No, I really don’t need a fight right now, she thought. But she still responded sarcastically.
Obviously not, or you’d know I didn’t have a boyfriend. Check your sources. =]
Rude. Yes. But she wasn’t just gone let this girl run her life. That was against all sorts of rules. This one was responded to quickly.
I shoulda known nobody wanted you. It said. Ashley laughed. Out loud. People on the bus turned and looked but she didn’t care. Ohh if Whitney only knew. She decided that this conversation really did need to end, no matter how much fun she was having.
Lmao. Yea, for knowing everything you really shoulda known that. She responded, knowing there was nothing else Whitney could say. Ashley chuckled at the stupidity of the whole situation. No matter how stupid and rude and hurtful Whitney was she never seemed to forget that they had been best friends once, more than best friends once, and so it was hard to hate her, no matter how hateful she was.


Go Baby [Ch. 2][pt 1]


Two weeks later, Ashley was on the bus on the way to Porland to get her hair done, when she got a text message from an unknown number.
So I hear u got a boyfriend, it read.
Ashley frowned at the message, wondering who could have sent it, and what the hell they were talking about.
She didn’t wanna be rude, in case this was someone she knew, just a number she’d forgotten to get, so instead of sayin the first thing that popped into her head, she responded:
New phone. No numbers. Who’s This?
She stared out the window with her iPod playing while waiting for the response. She glanced at the phone to make sure she wasn’t going to be late for her appointment, and when she saw that everything was going according schedule, she took out her book and started reading, it was a really good story, and she’d been thinking about what might possibly happen to the characters all day.
Just when she got settled in good, her phone vibrated, she pulled it out to look, and was hit with the familiar mix of excitement and irritation. It made her head hurt a little and her stomach ache a lot. The text said one thing.
Wifey.
She immediately saved the number as Whitney, so that she’d know if Whitney ever called or texted, whether or not to answer. Where she had once been like an addiction, like air to Ashley, now she was like some rare food that you could only eat in very careful moderation. You could really do without it entirely but if you ate some everynow and then you’d be fine. But if you ate too much it’d fuck you all up. Yeap. That was Whitney.
No, no boyfriend. Where’d you hear that? She responded in what she hoped was a friendly matter. She didn’t want the girl to think she was being rude. Not tha she was afraid of Whitney, she just really didn’t need anymore trouble with the girl. Her and her family had been through enough already at the young girls expense.
Ashley shook her head and went back to her book, knowing now that she wouldn’t get comfortable until her conversation with her ex best friend was over. She looked at the words on the page but they were all gibberish, because her mind was really focused on how Whitney would’ve found out anything about her life at all. But really she already knew. Brandon had done it.
Brandon was probably still talking to Jasmine who was the other girl who had helped ruin her life. And as far as she knew, Jasmine and Whitney were still in contact. So there it was. Even though she really didn’t wanna think that Brandon would put her business in the street like that.
But as far as he knew, Ashley, Jasmine and Whitney were still friends, they just weren’t the best of friends anymore, so there wouldn’t be any reason for him to not tell her.
She shook her head in disappointment. Silly dumb dumb had gone and fucked everything up. And she couldn’t even be mad at him for it. Poor thing didn’t know any better.
The phone vibrated, she rolled her eyes. Excitement and dread had both disappated. She just didn’t wanna do this anymore.
I know everything about you Wifey, the text read. And Ashley rolled her eyes again. Oh this bitch was on something, she thought to herself, and we need to stop talking, cus if I tell this girl what I actually think, its gone be a fight. Ashley smiled, and then made herself stop. No, I really don’t need a fight right now, she thought. But she still responded sarcastically.
Obviously not, or you’d know I didn’t have a boyfriend. Check your sources. =]
Rude. Yes. But she wasn’t just gone let this girl run her life. That was against all sorts of rules. This one was responded to quickly.
I shoulda known nobody wanted you. It said. Ashley laughed. Out loud. People on the bus turned and looked but she didn’t care. Ohh if Whitney only knew. She decided that this conversation really did need to end, no matter how much fun she was having.
Lmao. Yea, for knowing everything you really shoulda known that. She responded, knowing there was nothing else Whitney could say. Ashley chuckled at the stupidity of the whole situation. No matter how stupid and rude and hurtful Whitney was she never seemed to forget that they had been best friends once, more than best friends once, and so it was hard to hate her, no matter how hateful she was.


;& Ay0 son so......;*
26.1.08

This is a random ass blog lmao
iono wdf i'ma do wif that story cus it was hella in mii head the first day && now i'm like
....
bout the whole thing.
Me && Mii Aunty are goin to the movies tonight no doubt
Neither one of us been in for fuckin ever
Cus she been pregnant && I been broke
ANDDD...she said when i get enough money to get mii phone turned on she'll gimme her old blackberry
[ why old to this female really means brand new, i'll never know ]
So yea; today was madd boring
woke up
talked to yall
tried to write
[ didn't work ]
Me && Kris finally linked each other on here cus we discovered we some damn blog stalkers yo lmao
oh yea
[ Me+Sammy+Kris=3.Musketeers ]
Cus we all hellllaaaa like in sooooo many waysz
Me && Sammy was talkin bout how we all hadda get together && chill sometime or somethin
I love the way we say that like we live anywhere near each other
[ Oregon, Texas, Missouri........right ]
=/
buh shit we gone work it out
cus shit its very rare that i find some people i could actually put up wif
&& that'll actually put up wif me
So when i find them niggas
I stick to em
[ Kris readin this like oh shit; now i'm not gone get rid of her ]
lmao nope nope.
Uhm...anywaysz I don't really have shit else to say
I guess i'm kinda typin right now tryna think of wuh the pic of the days gone be
-thinks
..........
OH!! Shit!!! I Got It!!!
-googles
lmao so yea

Pic Of The Day::

Yesszir thats gone be mii phone =]
[now lemme get a damn job]

Duecesz =]


Go Baby [Part 4] [End Chapter 1]
25.1.08

“Can’t just go around changing on a person, soon as I get used to old Arvon that don’t know nothing bout nothing this nigga wanna switch up and kno everything bout everything. The hell kinda sense….” She said to herself quietly.
“Stop talking to yourself.” Her mother called as she swung into the room. “Did you eat anything?” She asked. Ashley shook her head. “Watching those two took my appetite away.” She said. She pondered for a second, then looked at her mother.
“Should it bother me that their cousins?” She asked. Her mom turned, sat down at the calendar, looked at her seriously.
“Does it bother you that their cousins?” She asked.
“Yea, no, well kinda. I mean. They are cousins. And I did date Brandon. For a minute. A second. But I did. And now Von….I mean. I’m not so much worried about it myself, but on the outside lookin in don’t that seem kinda dirty?” She asked.
“If it doesn’t matter to you, and it doesn’t matter to him, and it doesn’t matter to Cynthia and Jerome, and it doesn’t matter to me, then whats the issue?” Her mother asked patiently.
“Brandons the issue. What if it matters to Brandon?” She asked, her guilt starting to show. She expected her mother to say something, but when she didn’t Ashley continued.
“I mean, me and Brandon are friends in some weird twisted type way and I don’t wanna mess that up.” She said.
“The only way you going to prom with Arvon is going to mess up your friendship with Brandon is if he still has feelings for you or you still have feelings for him.” Her mother said patiently.
“Mom, you know I don’t have feelings for Brandon in that way anymore. I mean I just don’t know if he still has feelings for me that way. Everybody says he does, he acts like he does, but he hasn’t said anything, and I’m not gone sit around and wait. I mean, me and Arvon, it might not even be anything, so why would I risk my chance at prom just to save Brandon’s feelings? I mean he broke up with me, not the other way around, its not like I broke his heart.” She rambled.
“But you did a bit, I think.” Christina pointed out.
“No…..well I mean. Yea, I was mean to him, && if I could take that back I would but I still don’t think even being nice to him woulda saved it, he wanted me to be like, fake around him. He was always like don’t act smart, don’t be mean. Like he was basically telling me not to be me.” She shrugged. Christina shook her head.
“ You talk yourself through your own problems Ash. Don’t do anything that doesn’t feel right. Don’t think about it. Don’t think about what other people think. Don’t think at all. Do what you feel.” She said. And then she walked out of the room.
“I’ma get bout sick of yall walkin out the room on me!!” Ashley called after her mother.
But she sat back down, and thought about all the stuff going through her head. Arvon, Brandon, Arvon, Brandon. Ugh. Whatever. That’s why she stayed single. Everything got complicated when boys came into it, even boys she really didn’t wanna be with that way. How had this nigga changed from, Oh that’s Arvon to this nigga that she might possibly actually consider having a relationship with. This shit was stupid.
She was tired of thinking about it really, but there wasn’t anything else going on. Or, there was too much going on and she didn’t wanna think about, which is why she made such a big deal about things that really didn’t matter.
“Ashby,” Brandon walked back into the room. “Hmm?” she responded. “You okay?” He asked. “Mhmm.” She responded. “You wanna come up and play with us?” He asked. She looked at him. Smiled. “Yea I guess.”
And they walked up stairs to the game room together.


Go Baby [Part 3] [thats it for a minute i'm still writing]

Ashley watched them eat, Brandon and Arvon, and talk about the latest girl in Brandons life. Brandon had a girlfriend, but she’d moved to DC a little while after they got together, so he was always talking to someone new to keep him occupied. Ashley never knew if he really liked all these girls or if he just really liked being able to tell all his friends how he juggled them, but she guessed the latter.
She didn’t wanna think too much about Brandon though, seeing how that was always a weird place to go in her mind. Yea, she’d liked him, but she’d known from the beginning that it wasn’t gonna last. He wasn’t mature enough, or maybe she was just too mature. But then she knew that wasn’t true. The people she really trusted could tell you she was silly and fun and she bursted into song and dance at the randomest times. That didn’t sound like a person who was too mature by her standards at all. She didn’t deny however that sometimes she was in very mature moods, and when she was in those moods, she needed somebody to be in those moods with her, or at least understand and respect those moods, and Brandon was not that person.
Or he hadn’t been, when they’d dated. But she had to admit that he had mellowed considerably since he’d been back. She didn’t know if it was enough, but it was considerable. When he’d gotten out of jail, she’d waited for an explanation as to why he’d broken up with her, or waited for him to try to get back with her. When she got neither, she’d drawn her own conclusions. She’d been too mean to him, he couldn’t handle it, he realized he deserved better than what he was getting so he went and got something else.
What he got was jail, some small part of her mind said, and she smiled out of plain spite. Then she forced herself to think about the matter at hand.
But what exactly was the matter at hand? She looked at the two of them. Why were cousins. First cousins. And she had already dated one of them, was she now seriously considering the other one? Was she that girl?
Wait fix that, her conscious screamed. You were not seriously considering him until he started seriously considering you. And if he’s seriously considering you than Brandon must be okay with that. And if he’s not then that’s between them. You only dated Brandon for a month, its not like it was a big thing. And Arvon, well you’re going to Prom with Arvon in June and its January, so you’re going to be involved with him a lot longer than you were involved with Brandon, even if you don’t take it any further than just being his prom date.
But something like guilt had crawled up and settled in her belly, and she knew she was gonna have to do something about that. Why is it no matter what I decide to do or who I decide to like I always manage to feel like a hoe? She thought to herself.
“Ashby,” Brandon called. She snapped out of her thoughts and gave him her attention. “Huh?”
“Where you interviewin at tomorrow?” He asked her. Where’s your interview tomorrow, she corrected in her head.
“Claim Jumpers at Clackamas Town Center,” she responded. She didn’t really want to be in this room with the two of them anymore. Her first instict was to tell them she’d be right back and just walk away, but that was a bad habit she had, one she was trying to get out of, so instead she just stayed in her thoughts, which was as much leaving the room as anything else.
“What colors you and ‘Von wearin to prom?” He asked. And she laughted. And so did Arvon. Jerome had brought that up sooo many times the week before that it had made both of them sick.
“Black and white?” Ashley asked, looking to Arvon.
“Ain’t the colors you wore to your Winter Thingy last year?” Brandon asked.
“Black an white’s good,” Arvon responded, “I got a tux already so that’ll work.”
“Yall niggas cheap as shit.” Brandon sighed.
“You got prom money?”
“I don’t see you putting no money up nigga.” Ashley and Arvon said simultaneously. Then they looked at each other and laughed some more.
Brandon looked from one to the other, then shook his head. “Yall weird.” He said as he took his pizza into another room, leaving them alone.
They were so busy laughing they didn’t notice him leave. When they did however, there was an awkward silence.
“Um…so you should probably know I can’t dance.” Ashley giggled, still in a pretty good mood.
“I’ve seen you dance, you dance just fine.” Arvon told her matter of factly. Ashley figured she needed to get accustomed to the fact that he looked at her when he talked to her. Right at her. And only at her.
“When- Where’d you see me dance? What was I dancing to?” Ashley asked disbelieving. She did dance. A lot. But she usually did it when nobody was watching.
“One of those nights you were staying over, you were in Amaiyah’s room with your iPod on all extra loud, and I was gone come in there and tell you to turn it down, but you were dancing, with your headphones in, so I knew you wouldn’t hear me even if I did tell you to turn it down.” HE said. She scoffed.
“So you just watched like a stalker?” She asked him, eyes slanting. He raised his hands in innocence.
“Only for a second, I mean, I’m a guy, you’re a girl, you were dancing, I was watching. But then I stopped.” He said, rambling, in the slow, cute way that Arvon usually spoke. This was the Arvon she was used to.
“Do you remember what song it was?” she asked him. She was tryna hide the embarrassment and move straight to the amusement but the shit was hard. She really couldn’t dance, she just did it anyway, like people who couldn’t sing, but did it anyway. She was noooo good at it && she hated when people saw her do things she wasn’t good at. She hated doing things she wasn’t good at in general.
“I don’t know what song it was. I heard it just fine but I’d never heard it before that night. It was something loud. && hyphy like. Like something Brandon would dance to.” He said, never taking his eyes off his pizza.
“You’re fat, you know that right?” she said absently, not even thinking about it, just saying it. He looked up at her, “what?” he asked.
“Nothin,” she replied, “I’m jus sayin, that when it comes down to like, dancing, like, in front of other like, people. I’m no good at it.” She said, changing the subject back.
“I don’t really see the problem. Just dance like you did in Mya’s room && you’ll be just fine. And I’m not fat.” He smiled at her as he left the room.
She sat there, on the chair in the corner of the kitchen, staring at the spot where he’d been sitting a moment before, wondering where the old Arvon had gone. Cus this new nigga? This new nigga was startin to get on her nerves.


Go Baby [Part 2]

Now if that wasn’t worse than his hand on her chin she sure as hell didn’t know what was. He liked her. Why? The fuck had she ever done to show him she was likeable? All she did was crack jokes and watch sad movies and take too many pictures and eat up all his food when she was around him. Oh yea, and talk shit about Brandon, if he was there, seeing as that was one of her favorite things to do.
How was that likeable? How in the hell was that likeable? Ugh. She didn’t wanna be liked. She didn’t want anything that niggas had to offer right about now. She had too much shit going on. There was tooo much drama in her life to let a nigga in. Any nigga in. Especially the slow ass sexy kind like Arvon Barker. Nope nope. She did not need that. Didn’t need it a bit.
She wanted it though. She turned her back as a silly smile broke out on her face. The people that had caused the most damage in her life were all living it up, they had their houses and their fancy cars and their picture perfect relationships. And what did she have? A dirty apartment, no car, and no man. Part of her wanted to grab onto this thing with Arvon and ride it till it was dead, just for the fun of it. Just because she wanted to be a stupid teenager for once, and do stuff she shouldn’t do.
But, as always, she was too smart to allow herself to be the stupid teenager. She didn’t have time for it. She had school, she had a job interview tomorrow. She had choirs to sing for and bills to pay. She didn’t have time for boys. But she kept the silly smile on her face, cause it felt good to know that if she chose to go after it, she could have exactly what she wanted.



Arvon wasn’t the type to dwell over things that had already happened. He lived in the present, not the past, or the future. He said what he wanted to say when he wanted to say it and dealt when the consequences when they came, not before.
Brandon, on the other hand, was a pro at dwelling on things that had already happened, or things that were going to happen, or the way things should’ve happened, or could’ve happened. He supposed that’s why the two of them made such a good team. Brandon thought about it and Arvon did it. He thought about that movie Hustle and Flow, where Anthony Anderson had been talking about the two kinds of people, those who did the talking, and those who did the walking. Now those who did the walking generally didn’t do too much talking, seeing as they were busy walking. But those who did the talking generally didn’t do any walking, cus they usually convinced the walkers to do the walking for them.
The smile that had formed on his face went away. No, he didn’t like that. That didn’t fit this situation the way he thought it had. There was no denying Arvon didn’t do a lot of talking, and Brandon did. But that didn’t mean Brandon wasn’t doing any walking. Or that Arvon was doing any of Brandon’s walking for him. It was Brandon who had gone to jail, not Arvon, and he’d served his time, and he’d come home, and he’d gotten his life together. But he did have to admit that he did a lot less talking since he got out of jail.
Too busy walking, a voice in his head said, and he shook it off. He looked at Arvon. Incredulous.
“You told her you liked her?” He asked. Arvon nodded his head. Brandon shook his. Sometimes this nigga really was just stupid.
“Well why’d you go and tell her that. Now she’s gone get all big headed about it, start bossin you around and bein mean to you.” He said. She was nice sometimes, he remembered whistfully, but it was real rare.
“How you figure she gone be like that?” Arvon asked, looking at his cousin in disbelief. Ashley did have a smart mouth, but she’d never been mean to him. She just played a lot is all.
“I dated her remember, I know how she is.” Brandon replied, and he regretted it the instant he said it. Everybody knew Ashley and Brandon had dated but it was such a short amount of time that they often allowed it to slip from their memory. it hadn’t been anything serious. Their getting together had been quiet, their relationship had been quiet, and their breakup had been quiet.
Well, the breakup hadn’t been so much quiet as it had just been overshadowed by Brandon’s arrest and subsequent jail sentence. But she bought him a present for his birthday while he was inside, and made sure his brother, Michael, gave it to him when he got out. And they were still friends he supposed, but not the way normal friends were. They had that weird friendship you could only have with someone you’d dated and broken up with.
“Why did you break up with her?” Arvon asked. And for a second Brandon didn’t know. He thought about the good times, sitting in the car with her talking about what she was gonna get him while she was in California. He thought about how when he didn’t know what something was or how to do something, he could always ask her because she never made him feel stupid about it, she just told him, and moved on. Sometimes he missed it, missed her, how she’d lean on his shoulder and talk real soft, and her voice would change, and she’d always smell so good, and get real shy before she had to tell him something important.
But then he remembered. “She was mean most of the time. Acted like she didn’t even like me. Like if I fell off the face of the planet it wouldn’t bother her not one bit. That wasn’t cool, you know? So I figured if she felt like that I’d just break up with her, let her go find a nigga she really wanted.” Brandon said, shrugging his shoulders.
Arvon’s brow furrowed. That didn’t sound like the Ashley he knew. The Ashley he knew was loud, and random, and slow. She was real shy until she started talking and then you couldn’t get her to shut up. He started to smile, thinking about how she’d started crying watching John Q at his house the week before, the week Jerome had brought up that whole madness about them going to prom together, but he kept it to himself, locked it away in that secret place where he kept all the thoughts that made him smile. He wasn’t the type to just randomly smile, cus then people asked questions, and he definitely was not the type to answer questions.
“Didn’t she say no the first time you asked her out though?” Arvon asked. And Brandon stiffened. She had said no the first time. And she second time. She’d said yes the third time, and she’d sounded pretty exasperated. It’d been Christmas.
“Yea she said no the first time. You sure do have a lotta questions today nigga.” Brandon responded, and then tried to make himself busy doing something or other, but Arvon followed him.
“And how long were yall together?”
“A month.”
“And didn’t you go to jail like right after yall broke up?”
“Yeah, and?” Brandon turned to look at his cousin.
“Nothin’, I’m just sayin maybe she won’t be like that with me. Cus she said yes to me the first time. Maybe she only went out with you to get you to stop asking.” And with that Arvon backed down.
“Boys!” Miss Chris called over to them from the house, “Come on in, foods here.” And like the boys they were, they put all differences aside and raced into the house before the pizza was all gone.


Go Baby [Part 1] [yeap its long]

“Oh I don’t like him. I don’t like him not one bit.” She ranted and raved to her mother, who watched with her normal mix of amusement and confusion. “What’d he do?” Christina asked dutifully.
“He asked me to prom!! He asked Me to prom!! He wasn’t supposed to do that what on Earth could he have been thinking!! I shoulda told him no that’s what I shoulda done. Got the nerve to ask me to prom. The Nerve!!” Ashley exploded. Her mother chuckled softly.
“Well I told you once he decided to like you, you wouldn’t have much choice. And why would you tell him no?”
“He can’t decide to like me!! He doesn’t know anything about me!! And I don’t know anything about him!!!! The boy DOESN’T TALK!!!! That doesn’t make any sense mom!! Tell me how that makes sense. And I’d tell him no because he WASN’T SUPPOSED TO ASK!!! And we don’t have prom money. And I’m not gonna be the girl who shows up in the dress she wore to Winter Cotillion the year before!! And yea that probably makes me really shallow but darnit mom!!!” Ashley collapsed onto a box in exhaustion and exasperation.
“And yall wonder why I’m single. Look at what boys do. Look at it.” Ashley muttered. Her mother got up and walked over, intending to give the girl a hug. Ashley always had been too emotional. She took everything so seriously. Christina personally thought she enjoyed it. Before she could reach her however, they were interrupted.
“Ashley,” Brandon called. Ashley looked over at him miserably. He motioned for her to come over to him. She didn’t move.
“Arvon want you.” He called over again. Ashley scoffed. “You tell Arvon as long as he got legs that work he could get over here himself.” Christina chuckled again, and moved away to go busy herself elsewhere. Children would be children.
Ashley got up to, and pretended she was completely occupied with packing and moving a box from the storage unit to the car.
Gone tell me that I need to come over to where he is? Pshka this nigga got me fucked up. Thinkin he gone tell me where I need to be and what I need to do. The fuck the think he is? She thought to herself bitterly as she attempted to lift the heavy box and move it to the car.
Difficult, Arvon thought as he watched her. Why did girls have to be so difficult? He approached her slowly, like he did everyone and everything else. Arvon had never been one to rush, unless he was on a basketball court.
“You need help.” He told her, in more ways than one, he added on in his mind, but he wouldn’t dare say that, Ashley was kinda crazy, she might kill him or something.
“No. Thank you.” She grunted as she attempted for the third time to lift the box.
“I wasn’t asking you.” He informed her as he lifted the box himself and carried it to the car in one quick movement. Like it was the easiest thing in the world. God she hated when niggas did that. Why could he not let her just move the damn box herself? It wasn’t that big a deal. She told him as much.
“I coulda moved the box myself you know.” She spat. “Yea but it woulda taken about twenty minutes.” He replied coolly. She rolled her eyes. Gave up arguing. This was Arvon. He wasn’t gonna get it. HE wasn’t gonne understand that it was important to her that she could move the box by herself. Niggas, she thought again.
“Why you mad?” He asked her.
“I’m not mad.” She lied
“You are mad. Now why?” He asked her again. His voice stayed calm. He wasn’t used to dealing with girls like this one, he was used to dealin with white girls, that cried for everything, or talked so much that it was impossible for you to not know how they felt. He wasn’t used to this. He almost thought she really wanted him to just go away. Which he would have done, but he didn’t want to leave knowing he made her mad, so he needed to figure out why she was mad.
She glared at him. Why was she mad? He wanted her to tell him why she was mad? The worst part about it was she’d had a million reasons before he’d asked her, but now that she was looking at him, she couldn’t remember any. She was just tryna figure out why his eyes weren’t that normal nigga shade of brown. They were lighter. Prettier. And distracting as hell while she was trying to be mad. Why niggas always gotta fuck up my anger? She thought.
“NIggas”, she said, chuckling and shaking her head. Looking at the ground. He put his hand on her chin, forced it up, forced her to look into those un nigga brown eyes.
“No, not niggas. Nigga. Its just me.” He said firmly. Still quiet, not like he was raising his voice at her, not like he was gone snap and kill her if she kept talking shit, she didn’t know what it was about that voice, but there was definitely something about it. Something that made her wanna stop actin up, and maybe be nice to him for a minute or two. Maybe. Possibly. Why was he still touching her?
Oh shit. She thought, panicking. Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit. No Ashley. She thought, frantic. Stop. Stop liking him. Stop liking him right the fuck now. This is stupid. This nigga don’t like you. You always tryna put extras on something. He asked you to prom cus Jerome && TT told him to. Not because he actually wanted to take you. So calm down. Get ya head together, and STOP liking Arvon Barker right the fuck now!!!!
“I’m not mad though, really. I was just surprised when you asked me. I just really don’t like surprises that’s all.” She said, smiling at him a little. Reallyyyy hoping he would stop touching her so she could get on with her life. He did. Looked at her for a second. Turned around, took a few steps and then turned back.
“I like you.” He said bluntly. “I mean I know I don’t know you that well, but from what I’ve seen, I like you. And I wanna get to know you better. Just me and you. And so just in case you were wondering, that’s why I asked you to prom. Because I like you. And that shouldn’t be a surprise. That people like you. You’re a likeable person you know.” And then he turned around and walked away again.


;& Tell Me Somethin Good;*
23.1.08

Lmaoooooo -watches that 70's show-
"Look guys; i'ma bear"
lmaoooooooo @ jackie made Donna the wicked witch of the west
Oh lord
So tell me why i was in sam's box singin the theme song?
Answer: [ because i'm a dork ]

This is a random ass blog cus i ain't got shit to say
Today was a good day
I finally got my books so i can so my homework and get grades && shit like that
Except for now i gotta write this 900 word paper
&& i got 431 words
&& its due tomorrow at 2.
Which technically i guess means I can do it during break tomorrow
But then that'd mean i'd have to print it somewhere
&& they charge you to print at that school
so i dun wanna
lmao
buh that means i have to do it tonight
&& ion wanna do that shit either
i guess i could be hella sneaky && print it in the early college office for free
lmaooooo i'm soo dumb for that

I'm mad its 12:30 && i still hellaaaaa want some Chinese food
Mii mom was like; yu got money, buy yur own
&& i was like =| no i don't have money cus i bought youuuu food last night
&& she was like well i guess you ain't got no money for chinese then
&& i was like die
&& she was like excuse me
&& i was like nothin
&& she was like thats what i thought
&& i was like wait a minute Christina you ain't bout to punk me
&& she was like excuseeee me
&& i was like you heard me
&& then i ran
&& then i tripped on a hot wheel
&& so she caught me
&& then i cried && begged for mercy
buh she didn't listen =[
&& then she tickleddddd meeeeeee
moral of the story? [mii mom stll kicks ur moms ass]

uhm........
i was gone say somethin else
oh yea
one word
arvon
i'm mad
i got a new crush
every day
[song plays:: i don't wanna be a playa no more; i'm not a playa i jus crush a lot]
lmao
i keep mii possibilities opennnnn mii nigga
thass all
and i mean shit i might as well consider the nigga
Since our parents are tryna hook us up

[random: i wanna meet the guy who does the Jack In The Box voice in the commercials; thats mii nigga]

Chea so i'm like basically done talking considering the fact that i still really actually needa write this paper && i do kinda sorta have to wake up in the morning which i really [ really ] don't wanna do.

mhm
&& thats life

Pic Of The Day:

Me && Arvon randomly sitting on the couch watching Boyz N Tha Hood
=D


[Hustle] Ch. 1: The Beginning
18.1.08

NIkki stared at her school schedule; confused. First Period: AP English. Skytime. Second Period: AP Psychology. Third Period: Concert Choir. Fourth Period: Algebra II. Fifth Period: Calculus. Okayyyyy, sure. But what the fuck was a Skytime though? She pulled her glasses out of their compartment in her purse, and put them on, like looking through the glass would make word make more sense.
It was the second day of school, September 6th 2006. She was trying to get used to this whole "normal highschool" thing. And trying not to talk shit about everyyyyyyyy stereotypical white person she saw. It was hard though....cus it was a lottaaaa stereotypical white people here. Especially the girls she thought, thinking back to this one little girl she'd seen in the hall talking on her cell phone. Crying on her cell phone actually.
"HE broke up with MEEEE, Jenna!!! HE broke up with MEEEE!! Does he know who I AMMMM? How dare he break up with MEEE??!!!" The girl screeched at the top of her lungs, with a few of her friends standing around her, and it had been everything NIkki could do not to burst into laughter in the middle of the hallway. She couldn't think of which one, but she knew she'd heard that on somebody's tv show somewhere. She shook her head as she walked. Ahhh....white people.
Anyway, now she was sitting in this class that was apparently called skytime, staring at her schedule hoping she'd magically remember where her next class was. She usually had a good memory but this school was hugeee and the room numbers were confusing. She was focused intently on her schedule when another girl walked in, speaking spanish rapidly on her phone. Nikki looked up, nosy && interested, to find that the girl looked black. She must've been mixed with something. She sat down and continued to talk on the phone until the teacher looked at her pointedly and told her to get off. She shrugged, hung up the phone, looked over at Nikki && smiled.
"Heyy, I'm Simone. Its good to see another black person at this school finally." Nikki giggled, said hey and went back to her schedule. A few minutes later she looked back up and said, "Hey....uhm....do you know what we're supposed to like....do in this class?" She figured she was being friendly, since she wasn't gone find that many black people around here. Simone moved so that she was sitting next to Nikki && glanced at her schedule.
"Psh, don't worry about it. Nobody ever does anything in here. Its like a study hall or whatever. Ooooh," she remarked glancing back at the schedule, "you got them smart people classes." Nikki giggled, even though on the inside she was scared. it'd happened before that people stopped talking to her cus they thought she was one of those stuck up smart people, which she really wasn't. Simone launched into a story about how much she hatedddddd her English teacher. && how she was racist and she thought all black people were stupid. From this monologue Nikki learned that Simone had skipped a grade, just like Nikki had, && all the sudden she wasn't worried anymore.
The music started to play, signaling the class was over. Simone gathered up her things, handed Nikki her class map. "So you won't get lost." She said with a smile. Nikki laughed, cus she'd completely forgotten to ask where her next class was. She said thanks, and started to walk away.
She'd taken about seven steps when Simone called her name. She turned
"You wanna go shoppin with homecoming dresses with me and my friend Blance next week?" she called from through the crowd.
"Sure!!" Nikki called back. And then she continued walking to her class. But now she was smiling.


;& In Reference To Past Events...;*



I think that I'm unique in the fact is that all I really want in life is for people to be the best they can be. Unused potential drives me absolutely insane. I get mad. Like really mad, just because there's so much wrong in the world that could be fixed if you'd just try, and there are so many people that are too disinterested to try. And I mean i know it seems like its a bit out of your hands but the fact of the matter is, this generation is the future. And if we don't give a shit now we're not gonna give a shit ever so how can we expect the world to get better? Imagine a world where a whole bunch of people with the mindsets we have now run the country? Imagine us as the future doctors, lawyers, psychologists, and politicians of the country. Imagine us as the future celebrities && role models. Imagine how fucked up shit would be if everybody in the country made it a point to act they way we do now? I mean you're probably thinking, we're just kids, we'll mature as we get older but actually, by the age of fourteen you pretty much are who you're going to be throughout your entire life. So unless some drastic event happens, you're not gonna change that much. So now you see why i'm worried about the future? [yu probably don't but its okay]

Anyway. Because I think really big thoughts like that, like oh shit one day thats gonna be us, all i really want is for everyone to do they're best. To be their best. Cus it doesn't make any sense to be anything less. And all this time you think you have to get better? Its not really there. Yesterday there was a baby thrown off a freeway overpass in Hawaii. =| you have NO TIME nigga. You're on borrowed time. So whatever it is you plan on doing with your life uhm....get to it.

But this blog isn't really about the world, its more about me. Cus you see, I mess up sometimes. "The road to hell is paved with good intentions....", it is. Cus you see my intentions are always so good, they just never work out like they should. I want people to do they're best, so when i see people doing something wrong I want to tell them but I just don't know how to say it without hurting your feelings. So I just don't say anything. But then it all just builds up, and it irritates me and i lose it and i go off like an idiot and tell somebody else what I think you're doing wrong. And then eventually you hear it and you think i'm a backstabbing bitch. That I betrayed you. That i can't be trusted. Yadda Yadda Yadda.

Smh && yea i see how stupid that is. You Shoulda just told em. But you gotta understand that i'm insecure in a lotta ways. And i've been saying for the longest that i don't have a lotta friends because a lotta ppl can't understand and respect who I am. But the real reason is probably because I don't really understand and respect who I am, so why the hell would anybody else? && so i guess because of that, a lotta my friendships are dysfunctional, because i'm so afraid that one day my "friends" are gonna wake up and realize that i'm not worthy of they're friendship and they're gonna leave. && you have no idea how tired I am of people leaving. So i don't speak my mind a lot, cus i want them to stay. And i let them take advantage of me sometimes. Cus i want them to stay. && yeaaaa typin it out I'm startin to see how pathetic that is, but its me, && its my issue and i'm working on it.

I guess i wrote this blog to say that there's a lotta stuff about me that you don't know. And there is always a reason for me doing the things that I do. && there's a lot going on inside me that I don't really let anyone see. && there's a lotta stuff I wanna say that I can't even type here because of all the drama that really takes place in my life.

And my instinct is to just close myself off, and not speak to anybody until I can get myself under control. And not try to be friends with anyone again cus I don't want it to be dysfunctional like it has been in the past. And its not so much that i can't trust other people anymore, as much as i can no longer trust myself.

Bleh.

To You:: I don't kno if you read this, but if by some off chance you do, I'm sorry. I'm soooooo sorry. Cus i messed up. I did some things that I shouldn't have done. I said some things that I shouldn't have said and for that I apologize. But we both know damn well that I'm not the only one at fault here. && i don't wish that everything that happened could be undone because I know that some good will come of this whole situation. I want you to know that even though we've had some hella fucked up times, you'll always know me better than 99% of people in the world, and that there's still shit i laugh at and then wanna cry at cus i miss you. And i hope one day if I see you in the street we can both be mature enough to smile at each other, maybe have a little small talk, and go on about our business. Because you and I both kno that its never gonna be the same...

Pic Of The Day


;&Fuck......
15.1.08

Mii baby is crying cus he's hungry
Mii baby is crying cus he's hungry
Mii nigga i don't even know if its possible
For you to understand what that does to the pit of my stomach
My baby is crying cus he's hungry.

All my old friends from school ask
Where do you have apps in?
I tell em
Starbucks, Albertsons, Best Buy, Claim Jumpers, Haggan
They say no Ashley I mean college
How i'ma think about college when i don't have a job
And my baby is crying cus he's hungry?
Fuck college right now mii nigga, i swear i'll think about it later
And if i gotta start college a year late
Cus i was too busy workin
So my baby
wouldn't have to cry hisself to sleep
Cus he was hungry
Then i'll start a year late
I skipped a grade anyway
So that'll just put everything back on track
Who cares?

Who cares
About education
And going to movies and parties
And what tennis shoes i have on
And what kinda laptop i got
And what kinda car i drive
When my baby
is crying
cus he's hungry?
Who gives a flying fuck about that really?

Ahhhhhh && i hate that i can't care
About anything or anybody
I want to
Its in mii nature to care about you
and whats going on in ur life
&& shit like that
But it feels like i dishonor to my own family
To be worried about you
When our shit is so fucked up
I gotta be about mines
I ain't got time for yours

And at the same time
Yall bullshit is usually mii motivation
I talk shit
Lmao i talk shit bout damn near all yall
You wanna know what i say?
I'll tell you.

Woopty do
Earnest got a job at Subway.
Nigga =|
Yo mama been tellin you to get a job since i met you in April
Which makes you almost a year late
Yessir thats correct
Almost a year later
You finally did
What your mother
told you
to do.
Am i supposed to congratulate you on the fact that your slow as shit?
Am i supposed to smile at that?
Please forgive me
If i find that i have better shit to do
Then lie and pretend i'm happy for you
Cus i could really care less.

Daniel got a job at a resturant to purchase his macbook and his move to the stl
Okay i'ma get on some people's nerves with this one
Cus yall are hella disillusioned and thats real
Daniel
is not doing anything major
Daniel
is doing what you're supposed to do
If you want something
You are supposed to go out and get it
You are not supposed to think that just because ur under 18 ur mamas sposta do everything for you
Cus if im not mistaken
Daniel already has a laptop
And a desktop
So uhm....his mama did her job
So no i'm not gone pat Daniel on the back
for getting a job
So he could afford what he wanted
Cus thats what the fuck he's supposed to be doing
And if you make a nigga feel too good about doin some shit he shoulda been doin anyway
Chances are he'll never movin on to doin the good shit, the shit he doesn't have to do but does anyway.
Everybody's freaked out over Danny cus he does what a nigga should do
And thats sad
Yes i talk shit
A whole lotta shit
Alllll the time
You ever wonder whats really goin on in mii head
Here it is

&& if ur sittin up
readin this
mad
Fuck you mii nigga
If you're wonderin
What it is i'm doin
that gives me the right
To talk about everybody
Choke on a dick and die
Cus i ain't gotta explain miiself to you
But as long as you keep explainin ur shit to me
Complanin to me
Or somebody else stays in mii ear about what you're doing
I'ma feel free to judge
And its the internet
So its not like you're really gonna do anything about it
And its not like the loss of your friendship is gone break me
Can't shit break me mii nigga
Everything in life is expendable
I know that because i've lost it all already.
And got it back.
And lost it again.
So whatever problems you may have with what i say in mii own gotdamn blog
Suck it up nigga
&& get on with ur bullshit life
&& continue giving me something to talk about
Your pathetic attempts at living meaningful lives
Amuse the hell outta me.




Yes i've said some unnecessary things
Yes i'll probably apologize
Tomorrow
Maybe
But prolly not
Cus its not like anybody reads this shit but Sammy
&& i ain't say shit for her to be mad at
So thereeee you go
Anywaysz
Too much shit to do for me to continue writing
Im too mad for it really
So yea
Pic of the day is a picture of you suckin mii internet dick
Visualize
Understand
Respect
[Duecesz]


So Like Wayyyyyyy Superrrrrr Dayszzzz Laterrrrrr

Me:: sammyyyyy )
Me::
*Sammy Bear:: whaaa ?
Me:: whyyy i was talkin to mii mommm?
Me:: && we was talkin bout earnest
Me:: && she was like
Me:: errtime i hear that lil boy name
Me:: i think of them movies
Me:: earnest goes to camp
Me:: earnest gets a job
Me:: )
*Sammy Bear:: ))))
*Sammy Bear:: OMG !!!!!
Me::
*Sammy Bear:: SDJKLAFH; omg !!!
*Sammy Bear::
Me::
Me:: )
Me:: she was like
Me:: earnest works at subway
Me:: don't that sound like one of them movies?
Me:: ))
Me:: omgggggg
Me:: i was dyinnnnn
*Sammy Bear::
*Sammy Bear:: OMGGG
Me:: )
Me:: tell me that shit ain't funny ):
*Sammy Bear:: omg lsdjkfl;ashdf && that nigga
*Sammy Bear:: waas slow as shit
*Sammy Bear:: omg
*Sammy Bear:: yer blog combined wit yer mom = what im thinkin
Me:: ) i wanna put that in the blog now
Me:: i'ma put it as an edit on the end
*Sammy Bear:: LMFAODJFKA;S lmfaooooooooooooooooo !!!
Me:: that shit is toooooo funyyy
*Sammy Bear:: om gi c;anty type
*Sammy Bear::
*Sammy Bear:: cant*
*Sammy Bear:: type shit
Me:: && i'm mad she ain't say it in a mean way
Me:: she said it like it was jus wat she was thinkin
Me:: which made it worse
Me:: cus she wasn't even tryinnnn to clown on the nigga
*Sammy Bear:: omg thta makes it funnier
Me:: she jus did )
*Sammy Bear::
*Sammy Bear:: to yer mom
*Sammy Bear:: ajlskdfas;
Me:: yea i hugged her for both of us
Me:: cus u kno i'm psychic
*Sammy Bear::
*Sammy Bear:: like duhh sammy psychic =D
Me:: yea sumfin like that
Me:: buh forreal actually
Me:: i hugged her
Me:: and then i was like
Me:: nah sammy's gone dieeeeee
Me:: so then i hugged her again
*Sammy Bear:: LKSF oim mad im laffin too loud
*Sammy Bear:: m,y siste rsaid wtf bish
*Sammy Bear::
*Sammy Bear:: omg i cant type
Me:: )

Pic Of The Day



;& La Di Da Di Daaaa;*
14.1.08

So last night mii tooth hella hurt so i took one of mii moms pain pills that her doctor prescribed her after her surgery && got hella high. Like buh it wasn't the good high tho like i felt like shit mii nigga. Like i was all giggly && fucked up buh mii vision was madddd blurry && mii stomach felt all queasy && mii head...whoooo lawd mii head....&& anywaysz i was up talkin to Elmo bout how in the world i was gone tell mom i'm bi right? Cus i been tryna tell her for the longest buh i jus ain't kno how cus it was like.......=/ ya kno?

Anywaysz cus i was high i wasn't really thinkin straigh or givin a shit or whatever so i sent mii mom this mad random long ass email tellin her i'm bi && i didn't want it to be a big deal or nuffin i jus thought she should know. && knowin mii mom ol madd cool ass she was jus like yea i prolly knew before you did && now that its out in the open you can't have no more girls sleepin over && i was like woooooooow. i mean you kno like i wasn't expectin her to be thatttt cool about it. I mean i kno my mom so i knew she was gone be cool but i didn't know she was gone be thattttt cool. lmao cus she was pretty damn cool. So now i'm all extra happy && comfortable wif miiself cus mii mommy knows. Cus it be feelin like some shit ain't even real if mii mommy don't know about it thats mii best buddy for life you can't top her. Nope nope not never. lmaooooo.

Uhm....so anywaysz even before i found out mii mom was maddd cooler than i thought she was today was a bomb ass day. Hella skipped school. I was like 30 minutes late for mii first class so i was like fuck it yo, went && made layouts in the library, then took mii ass to goddaddy && aunty Isha's house to chill out over there. Ended up watchin movies wif Elmo && Larry && Rachael && them && talkin bout how mii godfather needed to fix his myspace. Cus his shit is raggedyyyyy like you wouldn't even believe lmao. Then mom called spazzin bout how i needed to come home, cus i hadn't told her i was goin anywhere after school, so i came on home and then started workin on the layout site, which sammy is gonna be mii partner on. So i put 5 new layouts up, we got the support code && the affy code up, we did the blog design && shit. lmao now i'm tired as fuck buh i was like lemme write a blog real quick fore i pass out. Cus sammy ain't awake no more so it ain't like i'm talkin to nobody [note to self: make more friends].

But yea i liked today, it was cool. && so now i'ma jus go change into mii pj's && take miiself a niceeee little rest && wake up in the morning && do this shit alllll over again. lmao cept for tomorrow i'm actually goin to school mii nigga real talk like cus thats necessary. I'm mad i wanted to put this one pic of mii mommy up as the pic of the day buh i think i deleted it off mii damn comp && i'm pretty sure i left mii camera at the other house...[-looks-]. Chea thass hella deleted. && i'ma have to go back for mii camera TO[morr]OW ccus that is not how shit rolls around here;; I need mii camera yo. U kno i'ma whore for it =/

Anywaysz; In substitution for the pic i wanted to put up i'ma put up this pic of me && mom that i fuckin hate cus mii teeth is madd crooked && hers lookin straight out the magazine && shit. I hate that hoe =/ lmao [i'm md the pic won't upload tho. fxckin piece a shit]



&& wif that. I'm qone
[Duecesz]
=]


;& Sometimes I'm Up;; Sometimes I'm Down;*
13.1.08

She used to be the sweetest girl ever. ever. now she's like sour ameretto. She wears her dress to the T like the letter, and if you make it rain, she will be under the weather. She used to run track back in high school. Now she tricks on the track right by school. She takes the loss cus she don't wanna see her child lose. So respect her, or pay her for the time used. And then she runs to the pastor. And he tells her there will be a new chapter. But she feels no different after. And then she asks him. Where's My Money At?

I understand that 99% of the time its in controversy that you become a better person, and that most times its the bad things in life that work for your good. I don't dispute that.

All i'm saying is:: if controversy makes you a better person, then I'm one hell of a good person. And if bad things work for your good, then somewhere in the future, my life's gonna be pretty damn good.

In the mean time, now i'm like sour ameretto, wearin mii shit to the t like the letter, tryin to stay away from them niggas that make it rain cus i'm the type to make mii own weather. Never ran track so i'll never trick off one, but my babies are hungry so i gotta do somethin, and since no one knows the struggle niggas can't respect the hustle, and they don't pay me for the time used. There's still hope when i run to my pastor but that shits fading faster everytime i see him. Don't even wanna go to church no more, me && god got an understandin, he knows i gotta work more. Ion even cry no more;; mii eyes stay pretty damn dry these days, cus cryin ain't gone get these bills paid, and everyone who used to know me always manages to say

She used to be the sweetest girl.


See i'ma tell you like who told me. Cash rules EVERYTHING around me and don't sing dolla dolla bill unless you gone pay some bills cus this shit ain't no wyclef jean song;; this shit's real.

=/


;& Ramblings that Rhyme;*
11.1.08

This might not make sense to you. It hardly makes sense to me so don't feel bad.

small aches and pains
they signal change
not so much age
maturity
And lies once told
By brave and bold
Now stand for truth and purity
the things they carried as they tarried
here and there have now been married
couple off with memories
of happy times that they might need
when sadness comes upon them like a cloud
it tries to choke them like a shroud
those happy thoughts
though sparse they are
outstretch their hands
And comfort far

Take back your life
The wisemen say
As if i let it slip away
Of my own voluntarity
Like it never belonged to me
Take back your heart
They echo still
On nights i don't know how to feel
I watch the world through windows
hoping that the glass protects me
Take back your drive the wise men say
And i and i alone know they
Have seen a certain part of me
That no one else what meant to see
Take back your life
Take back your heart
Take back your drive
The say to me
so urgently
And though i try so fervently
i don't know where to start

small aches and pains become the change as lies become the truth
Your hearts beats in your chest sometimes but its still far from you
There are some things in life you can't explain
Always some height you can't attain
But try and try again
Just find out where to start.


;& Ion Even Kno;*
7.1.08

I feel so fuckin qood yo =]



Aiqht so i'm sittin in the library @ school waitin for mii next class to start;; && iono yo like i'm sooooo happy. && i feel soooooo good. Like i feel like I'm ready this time. Like i'ma be on mii job this time. Like i could do whatever the hell i put mii mind to ya kno? I mean like normally i be havin to give miiself pep talks && shit. Like Ashley you know what you're doing. You can do this. blah blah blah. Buh now i ain't even gotta do that;; iss jus like i'm doin it, without even thinkin about it, i'm jus doin it. && i'm soooo happpy wif that. LIke you don't kno how irritating the last couple yrs of mii life has been. Cus its been so much shit i knew i could do;; && i jus ain't been doin it you kno? && i could never figure out why i wasn't doin it;; i jus wasn't. Like somethin was blockin me. Like i was gettin in mii own way. I was always extra hella super shy round people cus i didn't wanna let nobody get to kno me cus i was afraid they didn't like me. && straight up i fuckin hate when people don't like me. Seriously.

Buh lately iss jus been like fuck it ya kno? Like this is mii life && i'ma do what i want with it. Like life's too short to know that i can do something and not do it. Df kinda bullshit is that? I mean i'm not sayin this whole transformation shit is gone be easy. Its gone take work;; cus after 17 yrs of procrastinatin it ain't gone be no piece of cake to jus all the sudden start doin it right buh i can do it now. i'ma do it now. && i ain't never been so excited bout that. Never been so happy bout it you know? Like in the past its always been i'ma get right cus i have to. Now its like shit i'ma get right cus i want to, cus i wanna be livin the life i've always wanted. && i finally realized that there's no age limit on the life i want. Its not gone happen this year or next year or next month or on the first of January or on the 18 Of September its gone happen on the day when i wake up && decide to make it happen.

&& knowin that, && knowin that really my life is in mii hands && can't nobody run it but me makes everything seem brand nu. I ain't gotta treat people like i used to treat em && i ain't gotta talk to people like i used to talk to em && i ain't gotta hide from nobody no more. Ahhhhhhh that shit makes me feel good. It should make you feel good too. lmao if your life's not the way you want it you should make it that way. Asap. =]

[Randomly] This is the first blog i've ever written while the sun was up.
[More Randomly] I'ma start doin a pic of the day with mii blog, as soon as they find the fuckin charger for mii camera cus these niggas lost it again. [8-|]

The End
=]


;& Maybe I Fucked Up;*
5.1.08

Its easier when the bitch that steals ur man is ugly. Then u can talk shit about her;; && u could talk shit about him;; && u could talk about how they gone have ugly babies, && shit like that. You kno. && some ppl are like oooh he went out with a ugly girl after you thats an insult, and in some ways it is. But i promise you its easier.

Cus when a pretty bitch steals ur man;; YOU CAN'T TALK SHIT. and that be the main thing gettin ur ass through a break up, the fact that you get to talk shit. But when that hoe is beautiful;; you gotta be like....well....uhm.....yea. && feel stupid. Cus it forces you to realize that there is bigger and better than you. && that ur man can do bigger and better than you. && that maybe all that time u was spendin takin him for granted u shoulda been cherishin that nigga cus now you lookin madddd stupid and hellaaaa lonely cus ur man found somebody to do all the shit that you wouldn't AND that bitch is pretty.

[cus i mean its a different thing entirely when she's doin all the shit you didnt do && she's ugly. She doin that shit cus she gotta do it. She's ugly. Ugly bitches gotta do some unnecessary shit to get a man.]

But when the female is beautiful you gotta think about the shit like well gotdamn. Maybe i fucked up.



Well gotdamn. Maybe i fucked up.


The End.


PS:: lmao ion be bloggin for specific reasons no more. I jus like to fuckin type is all =]


;& You && You && You;*
3.1.08

I redid mii blog
Yay
=]

I'm writing this blog for mii three favorite dudes in the world:: Earnest Lee Lawson Jr;; Brandon Lamarr Tashan Blackman;; && Brandon Marquise Dean.

Numero Uno:: Best Friend

Mannn i swear i almost cried i read that blog yesterday. I was like ohhhhh shit;; i'm loved.[:">] Buh on the other hand i was like df this nigga talkin bout? Talkin bout how u ain't done right my me. Nigga u spoil me rotten. lmao i be actin like a brat sayin u neglect me cus i be needin the attention. You the sweetest nigga i kno. && u already kno i got ur back thru any && errthing. && u already kno ion let nobody talk shit bout you, [cept me] && u already kno i do occasionally talk shit bout u. lmao. Ion even kno wuh i'd be doin in this world if i ain't have u as a best friend to fall back on. Like errtime i have a bad day i be like df mii best friend at? Cus i kno u will do whatever it takes to make me smile even if you gotta make an ass out urself && i love you for that like you don't even kno. 07 was a shitty ass year for me buh the best thing that came out of it was most definitely you, && i hope we can keep this thing up thru 08 cus it won't be mii year if you ain't in it. Love you best friend!!!

Numero Dos:: This Nigga Brandon

Oh shit nigga. lmao. So uhm....there were the CATCH days, when i said u'd never turn me on. lmao u proved me wrong. i only said that cus u was madddd short back then. Short niggas cant get it [-x no sir. && don't say shit about Bruce neither cus u was shorter then that nigga at the time. lmao buh u grew [:>] && so u could get it now. LMAOOO. lemme shuttup. Buh anywaysz. Chea that whole relationship thing ain't work out between me && u. Partially cus the timin wasn't right && partially cus i'm an asshole. Buh i mean you kno some shit just ain't meant to happen the way people want it to happen. && if it is meant to happen then it will; till then keep fuckin round wif fake bitches it'll keep u busy. [lmao i ain't needa say that;; that was mean. sowwie]. Uhm....buh yea. We needa get back to talkin cus u kno u mii buddy. We be havin a good ol fashioned time talkin bout the good ol days. && u kno forreal if u eva needed me i'd be right there for u cus us Cali ppl gotta stick together at all costs lmao. So......don't eva hesitate to get at me if you need me. && when ya broke ass get some long distance u could even call me. [smh @ that.] So i'ma shuttup now. But uhm....before i go....i gotta say.....cali ppl are the shit. [&& if you gotta problem hold a cum filled cheese stick down ur throat till u choke] Love you Love =]

Numero Tres:: Mii Favoriteee Ex Boyfriend

Lmao && its some niggas that would kill for that title. I guess i could be truly honest bout what i wanna say bout him here cus i kno he ain't neva gone read it so....yea. I think i fucked up forreal when i let this nigga go. I be sittin up thinkin about it sometimes like damn i had a soldier && i let that shit go. I mean technically he broke up wif me buh only cus I was bein a asshole. Cus i was scared. I'm a scared ass person i jus be naturally scared of shit. Especially since i really liked him. I'm only mean to niggas that i think will take advantage of me if i show em how i really feel. I mean like, i felt like if i showed him how fuckin open he had me, he'd fuck around and play me like he do the rest of the bitches he roll wit. So instead i treated him like he was jus another nigga. && thats where i messed up. Cus he wasn't jus another nigga. && so now i gotta see this nigga around, && act like ion care bout him, cus he gotta gurl && he movin on lovely [&& he told me the shit that happened on christmas was a mistake;; && i cried, buh its cool] And so yea. thats where i messed up. But i'm thankful that we're still friends && we could still act civil when we see each other. && i hope......well...lets not get started on what i hope cus that shit would be a whole nother blog.


So chea. Thats it for this evenin. I been thinkin bout these niggas mucho lately so i hadda get it out. 08 is a good year for me cus before i neva woulda even wrote this i jus woulda thought about it till it drove me fuckin crazy. [random] I got to take pics wif the baby yesterday. He likes me. I held him && he went straight to sleep. His grandma was madddd [that bitch can't stand me] lmao thass wuh she get. Maybe once she get that stick out her ass the baby won't cry whenever she walk in a room. Ol count dracula lookin ass needa shave her moustache && shit. lmaoooooo

Duecesz



Ashley

just another little black girl with dreams. I play my music too loud, and I don't listen. I'm only at peace when I'm in pain: when my wrist is sore from writing my emotions out like blood on the band-aid of a page, or when my throat is raw from singing my thoughts like tears into the air. I'm conflicted, and unrepentant, and I like the way this blogging shit makes me feel. This is the one and only place I'll never lie, honestly.

Soundtrack




Ashley @ ...

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2007.12
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