Because I'm in a bind. I'm in a horrible predicament and I don't know how to work myself through it and I can't blog it on Tumblr because people are watching there and I just need space and quiet. I just needed to come back to my white box where everything makes sense.

I'm in very deep like with the ex boyfriend of a friend of mine. Their break up didn't have anything to do with me and we didn't start talking until well after they'd broken up and it wasn't intentional. I swear, we just kind of fell into it and now that we're into it....I don't want to get out of it. I adore him. At some point he just became this part of my life, when something happens I have to tell him and..I feel horrible.

Seriously, I feel like a fucking monster. Primarily because she's not over it. So I'm watching her mope and wallow in this depression about this man and I empathize with her so much because I know what she had. I know how wonderful he is and I feel so bad for her. I think if she were over it it'd be easier for me. Scratch. I know if she were over it, it'd be easier for me. But she isn't. And so I'm watching her crumble from love of the same man who's building me up so much.

Yuck! Does nobody else see why this is a problem? He doesn't, but he's too close to the situation and there's no one I can tell because everyone knows who she is and everyone knows who he is and everyone knows their drama and everyone knows everything and it's so incredibly irksome to me because I'm not the kind of person to put my business in the street like that. I don't want to be a part of that. Like, I'd be that female that demanded we have a secret relationship if we did decide to do this, because I couldn't be in this spotlight he creates. I'm a quiet, behind the scenes kind of person.

The situation is so fucked. And I just need her to move on so that I can move on. At this point I don't even feel like I can tell her. Like, I feel like the relationship would be irreparably damaged if I told her and I don't feel like it's okay to do something if I can't tell people I'm doing it. I'm transparent. I'm honest. Honestly, lmao.

And I get his point. I get the logic that, whether we put the title on it or not, we're doing it. We consider ourselves in a relationship with each other. We just haven't put a word to it because I refuse. So it's ridiculous for me to say that because we're not using the word the relationship isn't happening and it's crazy for me to think that I'm less wrong just because I'm in denial about how wrong I'm being.

Oh God. Oh God he's right. All these wrong things that I'm saying I'm not doing, I AM doing. And by refusing to put the title on it I'm doing the exact thing I'm saying I don't want to do. I'm doing something in secret. I'm sneaking into his room and turninig the water on in the bathroom so everyone thinks I"m just using the restroom while I do my dirt. I'm Isaiah in this situation.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuckity fuck fuck.

Fine.

The problem is, that means I need to put on my big girl panties and tell her. I can't! Gosh it's either tell her or cut all communication. The problem is she'll probably cut all communication if I tell her.

FUUUUUUUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCKITY. FUCK. FUCK.

Ok. Ok. Decision time. What do I do.

It's really easy for me to say I have to tell her and then not tell her, lol. And that's what it's most likely for me to do. Is just keep saying I have to tell her until she finds out some other way. Jesus. I'm such a punk. She's going to hate me.

I hate my life.